Chapter Text
Remember? …yes, I remember all of it. It would be easier if I could forget, but…well, I’m not that lucky. Never have been. Never, except once.
You once told me you kept your name in a little box. That was a good idea. I had to do the same thing. I know, I don’t have to talk about this, but…I think I need to. I want to share it with you. I— …it felt like I was in there a long time.
You…you know how I…stayed behind. You know how you got me out. But what happened between…Toru, I spent so long here trying to make sure everything was real. I couldn’t really trust it, not until after our baby girl… I should have been there. Should have been stronger…
You’re right, I shouldn’t talk like that. I’m okay, I promise. At least, as okay as I can be.
They…well, they took me to a cell, just like the troublemakers and new kids got at the office, you know? I think it was a local thing, in case one of them had to wait overnight instead of at one of the main buildings. They kept me there for a day, then moved me to an armored truck. I got to ride with some old Pro Heroes, but they…they decided I was a traitor. The only autographs I got were bruises they blamed on me “tripping” when I got in.
They took me back to the office, almost like it was just another day of work. Jeanist escorted me down to one of the training rooms. But they’d…they’d changed it.
It was all featureless. Every wall looked exactly like all the others. The corners to the ceiling and floor were rounded off so there wasn’t even a seam. When he shut the door, it didn’t make a sound. It just…sealed up, and I couldn’t tell which wall was the way out after a while. I’m not even sure where the light came from. The walls were all grey, but I could see okay. Not bright, just…ambient, really.
They took away anything they thought might be a tool. Jeanist personally removed any clothes from afar; so I couldn’t retaliate, probably. Just…left me there. It wasn’t cold, and the ground wasn’t too bad to sit on. It was just…so neutral.
What I really remember was the silence. Nothing seemed to make any sound. I couldn’t make more than a few muffled sounds by walking or slapping the surfaces, and when I talked…I dunno, my voice seemed to fade away too fast, even before I finished making any noise. I tried to keep myself focused by talking to myself, by singing, by reciting information about Pro Heroes, but…I don’t know, I just felt like I was running out of things to say after a while. I don’t know how long it took. I couldn’t mark the walls, and they didn’t seem to have a schedule on when I got interaction.
There were…two ways they interacted with me at first. One of the corners, always a different one, would open up into a hole around the size of my leg. The material would just kinda…pull away. No sound, no warning, it just opened up. And always on the opposite side from me, I couldn’t try to catch it or anything. That was where I had to, you know…go. The other way was this dripping water from the ceiling. It would start whenever I got tired, and fade away if I was really awake. I just had to kind of stay awake to get a slow drink, sitting under it and leaving my mouth open.
They just left me like that for a while. I don’t know how long. You said you got me out a month later? That’s how long it took to find me and bust me out? …I dunno, it felt longer. It felt…it felt like a lifetime.
That’s when they started.
I didn’t know Mandalay was still on the payroll. I thought she retired with the other Pussycats back in the day, you know? Either she got a new code name, or they called her in especially for that. Probably figured that having someone in the room with me or letting me use my ears from an intercom would be too generous.
State your identity, the voice spoke directly into my head.
I sat up, half-thinking I imagined it.
“Hello?” I called, but there was no answer. Not for a while. Not even my own voice.
Some time later, it came again.
State your identity.
I decided to bite. Why not, right?
“Midoriya,” I confirmed to the voice in my head.
Incorrect. That is not an accepted identity.
The change confirmed for me that I wasn’t quite crazy yet.
“It’s my name,” I reaffirmed. “It’s who I am.”
Incorrect, the voice said without emotion. You are 41-Alpha, matched to 17-Lambda.
“Those are codes,” I countered. “I’m not a robot. I have a name. So does my wife.”
That’s when they started hurting me. Nothing obvious, no, that would be too easy. Just a bolt of electricity that shot up my legs, across my spine, and sent me into a writing mess for a few seconds. I might have screamed in surprise and then pain, but…I don’t remember for sure.
You do not have a name. You have an identity. You are 41-Alpha. Unacceptable answers will be punished. Repeating an unacceptable answer will increase the punishment.
I knew better than to say anything; than to protest futilely. I couldn’t even let them know I was thinking my name to myself. I couldn’t let them know I still had it. So I put it away. Away in a little box in the back of my mind where even I couldn’t find it without a lot of searching.
You were confused. You were tricked into thinking 24-Omega was unhappy here. That she was being mistreated. This isn’t true. She had all she could want.
“All she could want except choice,” I countered from the floor.
That’s how I learned it hurts more if I lay down or lean against a wall. The least pain came if I stood up when they shocked me.
She has not been harmed. She would have changed the world.
“She still will change the world, and in her own way!” I insisted. “She won’t be dissected and have her blood used in bombs around the globe!”
The voice went silent for a while after that, and I got an extra sharp zap. I thought I’d won a little, maybe scared them into checking how I knew about that. It was wishful thinking. They started the illusions then.
I’m not sure who or how they managed it, but they started…changing the environment. The wall blew in and you and the others tried to break me out. But as soon as I tried to follow, it all vanished and I was left in a cloud of pink smoke that faded away. The wall was fine, and I was alone…again.
They were closer together then. Always different. They tried to mess with my sense of time too. One really got me, when I was on a hill with you and…and two kids. You were all visible. They tried to make me think it was a world where all Quirks were erased, and we’d been free again. But I could tell your face was wrong. The illusion you. They didn’t get your smile right, or your forehead. And it…it moved wrong.
Eventually it was nonstop. They all kinda…blurred together. It was hard to keep track of which was which, and what was reality. Sometimes the room was the illusion, and they had me somewhere else just to mess with my sense of grounding.
They kept trying to get me to identify by that damn code. Tried to get my name from me. Tried to get your name. I was starting to lose my grip on what I believed in. I…I think they broke me, near the end. Especially because they started giving me breaks.
Every so often, they’d just…leave me alone in the room. No tricks, no voices, no attempts to trick me into accepting the voice in my head as my conscience. Just…leaving me be. Letting me wonder if that room was fake, or if it was all that was real.
I could have been a reward for breaking a little. Or maybe it was just to get me to question my own memories. Either way, I wasn’t going to last much longer like that. Maybe they’d already won, I was just too weak to submit.
When you and the others got me out…I wasn’t sure. I just couldn’t be. You seemed right, but…but could I trust myself on that? The door finally revealed; heaved open by you and Melissa in that mech suit, plus Mina and her wife going full Pro Hero? It was so fantastical it could have been real. Or maybe that’s just what they wanted me to think.
I went along with you because it didn’t matter anymore. I was…I was happy you’d come for me. Saved me. It didn’t matter if it was real or not anymore.
But then it kept going. I kept being…here, and nothing was changing. I wasn’t being poked or prodded to use my real name, or to go by the number. I wasn’t being shown how hopeless it all was or how wonderful their world would be. I was just…waiting for the other shoe to drop.
After a while, I started wanting for it to end. To go back to the room I’d associated with reality. There at least I could be sure. Could know with certainty the illusion was gone. That’s probably what they intended. Even when I was free, I was never…free. Not at first. And not when you needed me.
When you started showing signs…Toru, I got so scared. I was so terrified of becoming attached to this reality, and then it being ripped away from me. When it was just you, I could manage to have the dream end and wait for you again. But our baby…our little girl…how could I let myself get attached to her, knowing at any moment I could find myself back in that room, and that our real child would be out there, without me?
That was why…that night… I’m not proud of what I did, but you deserve to know the details of why and…and what happened.
I asked Melissa to let me out for the evening. See the stars again, breathe some fresh air and try to get myself ready for being a father. She had me escorted, and I took a while to follow the constellations, looking for flaws or mistakes. They were perfect, of course, but all I could think was that they were too perfect.
What did they tell you happened that night?
…
I had an ‘episode’ huh? I suppose that’s as good a description as any.
What happened was I had to test it. I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t really in that cell anymore. I did something really stupid, and jumped off the side of the island. I knew how much they could fake, and I knew drowning is something they couldn’t replicate. Either I’d wake up, or I’d be gone. Either way, I’d know for sure.
I know, it was stupid, I really do. But that’s why they didn’t let me see you for a while. After they fished me out of the freezing water, I had to have my legs put back together again, and…well, I was certain it was an illusion. That they’d stopped me to keep me from breaking the illusion. I couldn’t conceive of any other reason why I was alive. That was when I started having episodes.
I had to be held down again. Strapped down in a new room, and kept on a short leash while they tried to reassure me that I was really real. Help me spot the seams in the fake realities I remembered, so I could recognize that there weren’t any out here. Months of therapy sessions, and I kept having lapses into my paranoia. By the time I was stable again…Toru, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. You, or our baby girl.
When they finally let me see you again…Toru, I can’t explain how much it hurt, seeing you and knowing what I’d done. I didn’t fully believe it was real, but I still felt so ashamed. But then…then you brought our little Akira to see me…
I could never imagine all her perfections, all her imperfections, all the subtleties of her little face and tiny hands. No amount of faking could make her look so much like you, and yet still feel like she was part of me. Seeing her on the other side of the glass…Toru, I knew in that moment that I had to get out of there. Some way, some how.
And now, at long last, I’m free. Really, truly, fully free. Here, with you, forever. No more adventures, no more surprises, no more chaos. Just you, me, and our baby girl. Feeling her in my arms…I should have known. I should have been here for you.
Toru, I love you so so much. More than I can ever express.
And more than that, I love our little Akira.
I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Thank you for coming back for me.
Thank you for bringing me home.