Chapter Text
I took another deep breath, trying to soothe my rising anxiety to no avail. Every tip and trick Dr. Nose Hair ever uttered wasn't doing a damn thing to help. Turning my head side-to-side I cracked my neck before refocusing on the blank wall in front of me. I had no idea what time it was, only that it was the middle of the night and I'd been sitting on the couch in our living room for hours trying and failing to calm down.
I knew there was no chance of me getting any kind of sleep, but for Bucky's sake I'd crawled in beside him and closed my eyes earlier. The former assassin fell asleep unusually fast allowing me to slip out of bed and into the darkened living room where I could continue to freak the fuck out without disturbing his peaceful slumber.
"Evie?" My shoulders slumped in defeat. Or not. "What are you doing sitting out here in the dark?"
"Nothing."
That was the honest truth. I wasn't doing anything. I was just watching time tick by, wondering if I wanted it to move faster or slower. Second guessing every single decision that had let me to this point.
Bucky sighed before sitting down and immediately gathering me in his arms. "It's going to be OK."
"I know."
"You realize even without the bond, which is broadcasting everything you're feeling like a megaphone, I'd know you were lying?"
Dropping my head onto his massive shoulder I interlaced our hands. "I'm hoping if I say it enough I'll start to believe it."
"You don't have to go."
There it was. The simple sentence no one had been brave enough to utter since I'd made this decision. He was right. I didn't have to do anything, not anymore, but how could I live with myself if I didn't do this? If I ran away simply because it was the easier option?
I sat up, shifting my body so I was fully facing him. He turned slightly, giving me his undivided attention.
"I'm a lot of things Buck, but I'm not a coward. They've already taken so much. I won't let them have this too."
He stared into my eyes for what felt like a year before giving me a firm nod. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead before pulling me closer. "OK."
"OK."
We stayed like that the rest of the night. We didn't talk. We just sat on the couch wrapped in each other's arms until there was a firm knock on the door hours later. Bucky stood and went to the door as I pulled myself to my feet, rolling my shoulders and swallowing around the giant lump in my throat.
Steve and Bucky nodded awkwardly to each other which almost made me smile. The two centurions may have buried the proverbial hatchet a few weeks ago, but my dad still couldn't handle his best friend and daughter shacking up together out of wedlock. It appeared no matter what time period he was in Captain America was a prude.
"You're up...and dressed." My father sounded stunned and to be fair he had a point. I wasn't exactly a morning person, but I'd ready to go since midnight. "Everything OK?"
"Couldn't be better," I replied quickly, my voice far too wobbly and high pitched to be believable. Steve glanced at Bucky who subtly shook his head making me cross my arms over my chest defensively. "I may be freaking out, but I have eyes and that..." I pointed between the two. "Was not subtle."
"I wasn't aiming for subtle," my live-in boyfriend countered, coming to stand in front of me, "I was aiming for the truth."
I scoffed, annoyed he was right. Rolling his eyes, he held my face in his hands before slowly inching his way into my personal space. My body instinctively moved closer, and for the first time in six days I felt like I could take a full breath. His eyes tracked across my face before he slowly lowered his head, his soft lips brushing against mine in a barely there kiss.
"OK, that's enough of that," my dad pleaded.
Curling my hands into his shirt I pulled him flush against me, covering his mouth with mine while running my tongue across his bottom lip. He moaned, the plates in his arm shifting in time with my rising pulse.
"I have eyes, and this is not something I want them to see. I'm still your father young lady and you shouldn't be doing...that...while I'm standing right here...or ever."
"What's with all the yelling Rogers?" Nat asked, at least I'm pretty sure it was Nat. Ninety-nine percent of my focus was on Bucky's tongue deftly stroking against mine. I was addicted to the way his body felt against mine. Yes, it was probably inappropriate to be enjoying something like that in front of my dad, but I was an addict, and as such, it was out of my control.
"They're...doing that," Steve finished in a huff.
"And that's a problem because?"
"I'm her father and it's not...proper."
"You sound a little wound up. Maybe instead of watching your daughter play tonsil hockey with her boyfriend you should find someone to tongue wrestle with."
That comment broke me out of my Bucky induced haze causing me to chuckle as we finally broke apart, turning so we could fully enjoy Steve's discomfort.
"I'm not...that isn't..." His eyes narrowed as he looked down at Nat, his chest heaving. The super spy smirked back at him with a raised eyebrow. Steve's ears turned bright red as he sputtered and coughed before fixing the three of us with a stern look. "I'll be downstairs."
Nat chuckled before throwing me a wink and turning her entire focus on Bucky. "If you hurt her you answer to me Barnes."
Nat's decision to issue the threat in Russian was ballsy yet effective. Quicker than I could track Bucky placed his massive body in front of mine. Gone was any trace of vulnerability. In its place was stone, cold determination.
"I would never hurt her Romanoff."
"We'll see."
With that she turned on her heel and sauntered away like she hadn't just threatened one of the most dangerous men on the planet.
"Wow, that was some epic dick measuring," I commented dryly, tucking my cell phone into the back pocket of my jeans.
"Where did you learn that phrase?"
"Sam."
Bucky rolled his eyes, taking my hand and leading me out of our apartment and towards the elevator. My nerves returned with a vengeance, seeming to build as the elevator descended quickly towards the lobby. I needed something else to think about, anything else, so I blurted out the first thing that came into my head.
"Was it me or were Dad and Nat flirting?"
"Romanoff was definitely flirting. Steve was just being Steve."
I bit my lip, "Do you think she's serious?"
"About what?"
"Wanting to suck face with Steve?"
Bucky's lips twitched in a barely there smile. "Would that bother you? The two of them...sucking face?"
"I could make a fortune recording you say stuff like that and posting it online."
"As soon as you're gone me and Sam are having a conversation." Now that I needed video of for sure. I would have to ask Friday when I got back. "Back to Steve, what makes you think anything is happening there?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe I'm crazy but it felt like the two of them were...harmonizing," I finished uncertainly. Bucky frowned, struggling to follow my train of thought. "No, that's not it. Clicking. No...gelling."
"Vibing?" Bucky added.
"Yes, vibing! How do you know that word?"
"Sam."
I laughed. The only thing better than the Training Wheels protocol on my iPad that was supposed to catch me up on everything I missed in 70 plus years was an hour with Sam and a six pack.
"To answer your question, no, I wouldn't mind if the two of them...fondued." Bucky pinched my side and I yelped, jumping away from him. "I just want him to be happy. We've all been through so much. We deserve to be happy."
"We do."
As promised Steve was waiting impatiently in the lobby. He visible relaxed when the doors opened, and we weren't locking lips. I was tempted to push his buttons some more, but my anxiety peaked to an all-time high as I eyed the outside world just beyond the doors of the tower. My stomach rolled violently, and I struggled to swallow around the huge lump in my throat.
"The cars out front. You ready?" Steve asked, concern written all over his face.
"Yeah, I'm ready," I choked out, reluctantly letting go of Bucky's hand. If Steve looked concerned Bucky looked downright worried.
"I'll be right here waiting for you when you get back."
I nodded, unable to find my voice. Turning, I followed Steve out of the tower and to the car that was waiting at the curb. My father opened the door for me and I climbed in, scooting to the opposite side to allow room for his massive frame. I didn't even hear him get it and close the door, my mind going a thousand miles an hour. My hands were sweating profusely so I wiped them on my jeans, trying and failing to get myself under control.
Suddenly Steve reached over, taking my hand in his and giving it a squeeze. I looked over at him, offering him a shaky smile he returned. His hand was firm in mine, unwavering, like the man himself. He didn't let go the entire drive.
The driver pulled into an underground parking lot, and stopped next to a secured elevator that a man in a pressed suit was standing in front of waiting. He moved to open the door the moment the tires stopped rolling, greeting my dad with so much enthusiasm I was tempted to stay in the car.
"Captain Rogers, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Ivan and I'm the Chief Administrative Officer for the hospital."
"Steve's fine." He held out his hand to shake and Ivan legitimately fangirled for a moment before taking it. "This is Evelyn."
"Pleasure to meet you ma'am."
I nodded curtly, following them onto a private elevator. The entire ride Ivan didn't stop talking though I didn't hear a word of what he said. Steve was doing his best to stay polite, but I could tell he was nearing his limit as well. This couldn't be easy for him either so I offered him the only kind of support I could at the moment, reaching out and giving his hand a quick squeeze. He returned the gesture, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye with a soft smile.
"Everyone has been cleared off the floor at your request."
"And the cameras?" Steve questioned, eyes narrowed to slits. He may be "Steve" right now, but he could flip the switch the "Captain America" in a heartbeat.
"They are off and will remain off until you are both out of the facility. Mr. Stark's legal team was very thorough in their requests."
"Thank you, Ivan. We appreciate it."
"Oh, of course Captain Rogers, I mean Steve." Was it me or was Ivan blushing? "There's a phone in the room that will connect you directly to the nurse's station downstairs. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask."
Steve nodded curtly, waiting patiently until the elevator doors closed, leaving just the two of us.
"Ready?"
I could only nod, struggling to get enough air into my lungs. My dad put a hand on my shoulder, watching me closely for a few seconds before nodding down the hall. He started walking and on autopilot I followed.
He hesitated in the doorway to the room at the end of the hall for a beat, and I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing. When I opened my eyes Steve was standing beside the only bed in the room. The occupant appeared to be sleeping.
"Peggy...are you awake?"
My mother opened her eyes, her face lighting up when she saw Steve. "Oh Steven, you came back."
"Of course I did, had to come see my best girl."
It was hard to process what I was seeing. Rationally, I knew she was old, sick, dementia Bruce had called it, but whatever I was expecting it wasn't this. The woman who gave birth to me was a giant, so ahead of her time no one quite knew how to handle her. She was brave, fierce, loyal, literally larger than life. She had been my whole world. I'd looked up to her, wanted to be her. When I'd been taken I'd missed her so much I thought it would kill me.
Looking at her now I saw glimmers of the person I used to know, but it was only a shadow that came and went in the blink of an eye. She was frail, her hair long and white, her face pale and wrinkled. She had lived her entire life, without me. Despite telling myself I wouldn't do it I gazed at her soul box, flinching at the sight of the weathered and deteriorated vessel that held her soul. I had no idea how much time she had left, but I knew it wasn't much.
"Peggy, this is Evelyn," Steve said, gesturing for me to come closer.
I held my breath, irrational hope making my stomach clench. I wanted her to know me, to remember me, to say how much she'd missed me. I wanted her to open her arms and sob that the daughter she believed dead was standing in front of her.
"Oh hello, it's lovely to meet you." Her English accent was still prominent, and the comfort of it made me smile. She flashed a devilish grin at my dad and smirked. "Steven, is this your sweetheart?"
My heart shattered, again, into a million pieces. She didn't recognize me. She had no idea I was her daughter. I was a stranger.
I could tell my dad was at a loss as to how to proceed, how to answer her question without breaking both our hearts, but mine was already destroyed so I took the lead.
"No, we work together," I replied softly, stepping closer to the bed.
"At SHIELD?" I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. "That's marvelous. Please, come sit, tell me dear, what is it you do?"
On shaky legs I walked closer, my eyes briefly meeting those of my father who looked absolutely gutted for me. I attempted to smile at him, to try and take some of the burden off his shoulders, but I could tell by the way he kept curling his hands at his side it wasn't working. He was desperate to alleviate my pain, and helpless to do it.
"I um, I'm an assistant to the Deputy Director," I supplied, sinking into the chair beside her. Why my mind decided to latch on to Maria Hill's position was anyone's guess. Most likely because she had stayed over for dinner a few days ago. "I'm just starting out, but I've heard so much about you. You're a legend."
She waved a frail hand at me. "That's a bit of an overstatement."
"No, it's not. You're the reason..." My eyes watered and I fought to keep the tears at bay. I'd imagined this a million times, knew that it would most likely be excruciatingly hard, but nothing in my imagination came close to the utter devastation I felt in that moment. "You're the reason I'm here."
"Aren't you a dear," she replied, laying a hand over mine. She had no idea how true my words were. She was my mother. She'd given me life, protected me, trained me, loved me, and forgotten me. My eyes drifted to the numerous picture frames on her bedside table. "Aren't these lovely? My grandchildren and great grandchildren brought them in."
I picked up a delicate silver frame with a picture of two women standing on either side of my mother. Their arms were around each other, the picture taken in the middle of all three laughing. If you could capture what unconditional love, put it in a frame, it would look exactly like this.
"Those are my daughters. Aren't they lovely?" My throat closed up, my entire body shaking like a leaf. I felt Steve step closer, ready to intervene if needed. I tried to smile at my mom, nodding along as she spoke in detail about the half-sister's I'd never know. If she noticed my distress she didn't comment on it. "They passed some years ago, but their children live here in the city. They come by on the weekends."
"That's...that's nice," I choked out, setting the picture down. "You must really miss them."
Her face contorted in grief, a single tear trailing down her weathered face. "Oh I do...I miss them so much. A parent should never have to bury their children. My memory is all but gone now but the pictures help me hold on to them."
My eyes drifted over the expansive pictures around her, of her family, her children, her grandchildren and great grandchildren, but there wasn't one of me. She couldn't hold on to me because there was nothing to hold onto. I wasn't there.
She stared at my face, her brow furrowing as she attempted to sit up. Steve rushed forward to help, but my mother's eyes never left my face. For a heartbeat it felt like she remembered, but it was gone before she could voice it.
"Steven, oh my, Steven, is it really you?" she cried, clutching my father's hand tight.
I stood quickly, backing up to give my dad room to help settle her. My throat felt like it was closing up, the walls pushing in around me. I didn't even realize I was backing out of the room until Steve tried to stop me.
"Evelyn, wait, please. Just let me get her calmed down."
"It's fine. I'm OK. You should stay with her." My mom continued to gush over my dad, reluctant to let him go or tear her eyes off him like he might disappear into thin air. "I'm just going to wait in the car, give you two some time to talk."
"Yes, that would be so lovely, I've missed you so much Steve."
"I missed you too Peggy." My father looked at me, torn between comforting the woman he'd loved or the daughter she'd lost. "Evelyn..."
"It was so nice to mee you Ms. Carter."
"Call me Peggy dear."
"Peggy."
With that I all but ran out of the room. On autopilot I walked in a daze to the elevator, pressing the button for the lobby. I knew I should go to the parking garage and wait in the car like I'd promised, but I felt like I was going crazy. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I needed space and time to think, to process what had happened.
Stepping outside into the blinding sunlight I was instantly swallowed up by the throngs of people rushing about their lives in New York City. I had no destination in mind. I simply walked, lost in my grief. In the back of my mind it registered that wandering around the city wasn't the best idea for someone like me, but it was difficult to care at the moment.
I walked for what felt like hours until I ended up on the outskirts of Central Park. It was shocking to see this expanse of nature in the middle of one of the busiest cities in the world, but the tranquility of it was alluring. In my stupor I slumped down on an empty bench, watching a pair of lover's picnic under a tree, a mother buying her son an ice cream cone, and an old man feed the birds.
I was surrounded by millions and millions of people yet I'd never felt more alone. The sun continued to get lower and lower until it finally dipped below the tree line. It would be dark soon. I was coherent enough to realize everyone would be worried sick about me. I needed to get up, go back, do something, anything other than sit here feeling sorry for myself, but I didn't have the strength. For once in my life I didn't want to be strong. I wanted to fall apart.
Before I could even consider it someone sat down beside me.
I sucked in a lung full of air, the tears I'd been holding back for hours finally spilling down my cheeks. I collapsed against Bucky who gathered my in his arms just like he'd done earlier in the morning. He didn't say anything. He just held me, his strong arms my tether to this world. I cried for my mother, for what she'd lost, for how she must have suffered. I cried for myself, for what could have been but would never be, for the woman I loved who didn't remember me. It seemed even free from HYDRA I wasn't free from the pain they could inflict. Their cruelty, what they'd done was like a tattoo, permanent. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, utterly spent in a way I'd never experienced until that moment. When I finally settled down he turned me to face him, searching my blotching face intently.
"What do you need?"
"This, you, exactly what you're doing."
He hauled me against him, hugging me so tight it was almost hard to breathe, but it was exactly what I needed. Everything felt a little less shitty when I was in his arms.
"How did you find me?"
"I know you better than you think I do." I leaned back, looking at him skeptically. "OK, fine...your phone. Tony designed it so..."
"Enough said." I buried my head in the crook of his neck, feeling my tense muscles relax for the first time today. "Is Steve OK?"
"Yeah, he's waiting in the car. He feels terrible."
"It's not his fault. I'm sorry I ran. I just..."
He took my face in his hands, eyes intense. "Hey, you don't have to explain or apologize, OK?" I nodded, eyes watering again. "I'm just sorry you're hurting. I would do anything to take your pain."
I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him as close as possible. "It doesn't hurt as bad when I'm with you."