Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Bully Childe Agenda

drunkassbard: So I’m preparing for my first appointment б（＞ε＜）∂

isucktitsnotdicks: congrats you're one step back into humanity 

drunkassbard: mean~! i’ve always been human, beidou! (´；ω；｀)

isucktitsnotdicks: uh huh 

electrocritqueen: whos accompanying you to your appointment tho 

drunkassbard: no one~! (￣ω￣)

DilucRagnivndr: No, Kaeya is accompanying you to your appointment. 

kaeyastits: what

drunkassbard: what Σ(꒪ȏ꒪)

DilucRagnivndr: I’m pretty sure both of you can see 20/20. 

kaeyastits: i thought you’re going to take me out for lunch or smth 

drunkassbard: i mean no offense to kaeya but i did not sign up to have a babysitter (´･_･`)

kaeyastits: no offense taken kiddo 

drunkassbard: … actually please take the offense （♯▼皿▼）

DilucRagnivndr: You owe me a favor, Kaeya.

kaeyastits: ugh fineeee 

iownmoraxass: haha kaeya became a babysitter now

kaeyastits: shut it simp

iownmoraxass: *g a s p* 

AlatusXiao: get fucking wrecked 

iownmoraxass: uGH not u again 

DilucRagnivndr: Anyways, Kaeya will accompany Venti to his first appointment. If I feel generous enough, I might bring you guys out for lunch.

drunkassbard: cOUNT ME IN! (◕‿◕✿)

kaeyastits: ok now we’re talking 

kaeyastits: fine i’m accompanying the kid to his rehab session 

drunkassbard: you’re making it sound like im a drug addict (；一ω一||)

electrocritqueen: isn’t that what you are tho

drunkassbard: rude! don’t make me expose your hobbies, keqing! ()`艸´()

electrocritqueen: … you wouldn’t dare. 

drunkassbard: oh i wud dare (・｀ω´・) dont test me, i know all of ur darkest secrets 

lumine: even ours? 

drunkassbard: LUMINE! AETHER! MY FAVORITE TWINS HOW ARE YOU? (●o’∪`o)ノ―♪`*.+

iownmoraxass: you know them? :OO

aether: heya venti

drunkassbard: OH YES I KNOW THESE TWINS! i went to their school before (★≧▽^))★☆

lumine: we’re honestly shocked at your… current situation right now

aether: but i think i’ve seen it coming tbh 

drunkassbard: nOOOO WHY SO MEAN AETHER~? (TдT) im an angel! (◕‿◕✿)

lumine: unless you’re talking about our stage play where you played as the angel, then no ur not 

drunkassbard: ΣΣ(ﾟДﾟ;)

aether: i think the saying, “wolf in sheep’s clothing” best described you 

drunkassbard: ΣΣ(ﾟДﾟ;) ΣΣ(ﾟДﾟ;) ΣΣ(ﾟДﾟ;) ΣΣ(ﾟДﾟ;)

lumine: yeah ur a menace

aether: a large one 

lumine: we’re not surprised ur still a menace here 

drunkassbard: (இ﹏இ`｡) 

drunkassbard: i-i was so nice to you guys… and all i get in return are these nasty burns? (☍﹏⁰)｡

AlatusXiao: Now, now we don’t want Venti to break without going to his first rehab session 

drunkassbard: fuck u Xiao im going to kiss u when we meet again ╭∩╮◕ل͜◕)╭∩╮

AlatusXiao: Please don’t.

iownmoraxass: yeah the guy is still pining over Zhongli not recommended

drunkassbard: OH 

drunkassbard: ↑_(ΦwΦ;)Ψ

AlatusXiao: Childe shut your fucking mouth before I shut it up 

iownmoraxass: you cant make me :PP 

drunkassbard: I forgot that ur still pining for Morax (；・∀・) no worries, I wont do that (ｏ'ｖ｀ｂ)ｂ

AlatusXiao: istg childe im punching ur face once this pandemic is over 

iownmoraxass: and im going to run away from u

iownmoraxass: thankfully ur short 

AlatusXiao: … that’s it. i’m going to kill u.

DilucRagnivndr: @drunkassbard It’s almost your appointment. I hope you’re ready, because I’m making Kaeya drive to your house now. 

kaeyastits: i hate it how im forced to this

Bully Childe Agenda

iownmoraxass: is anyone alive

chongyunsbottom: well hello childe

iownmoraxass: oh thank god its just u xinqiu

chongyunsbottom: is there a reason as to why youre so relieved it was me?

iownmoraxass: well im gonna sound weird but zhongli actually messaged me

chongyunsbottom: oh what a pleasant surprise! what did he say?

iownmoraxass: he said hello and nothing else

chongyunsbottom: did you not… reply back?

iownmoraxass: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY THOUGH

chongyunsbottom: um… hi also? you’re a human person, childe why is it so hard for you to reply to your crush? 

iownmoraxass: sRSLY HES NOT MY CRUSH 

chongyunsbottom: i think the Inazuman term for this is, tsundere

iownmoraxass: i am not tsundere

AlatusXiao: oh he definitely is

iownmoraxass is offline.

chongyunsbottom: well you might’ve scared him off, xiao

AlatusXiao: meh fuck that guy 

Private message with RexMoraxLapix

(2:00PM)

RexMoraxLapix: Hello Childe.

(2:15PM) 

iownmoraxass: oh heya zhongli is there a reason you're chatting me?

RexMoraxLapix: Oh am I supposed to have a reason to chat you? 

iownmoraxass: ah uh no…? 

RexMoraxLapix: Hm… okay. Well I just wanted to check in with you.

iownmoraxass: Oh neat well I’m fine

RexMoraxLapix: Then that’s good.

iownmoraxass: aren’t u like busy with student council stuff?

RexMoraxLapix: Not at all. I always have enough time to have a chat with you, Childe.

iownmoraxass: ...oh thats kewl

RexMoraxLapix: By the way, I am intrigued by your nickname. 

iownmoraxass: oh shit.

Bully Childe Agenda

iownmoraxass: can anyone dig a hole for me

AlatusXiao: I volunteer

iownmoraxass: okay thanks xiao i might need that soon 

booksarebetterthanmen: are you alright, childe?

iownmoraxass: i'm absolutely embarrassed right now that the ground can swallow me 

electrocritqueen: im betting Zhongli asked you about your nickname

iownmoraxass: yeah i mean wait 

iownmoraxass: how did you know that im talking to zhongli 

electrocritqueen: backreading

iownmoraxass: ugh yeah forgot about that 

Private message with RexMoraxLapix

iownmoraxass: i uh

iownmoraxass: apologize for my nickname. i’ll change it

RexMoraxLapix: No no it’s fine. 

iownmoraxass: but why 

RexMoraxLapix: To be honest, I

RexMoraxLapix: ...It looks like they’re calling for a meeting in the council. 

iownmoraxass: oh yeah sure! good luck with the meeting, xiansheng

RexMoraxLapix: Thank you, Tartaglia. 

Bully Childe Agenda

iownmoraxass: hello im alive 

AlatusXiao: A shame, really.

iownmoraxass: shush it pinning fool 

AlatusXiao: >:/

isucktitsnotdicks: how did your convo with zhongli go childe

iownmorax: he was supposed to say something but he got cut off cuz he got sc duties

DilucRagnivndr: We’re back. 

kaeyastits: thank god venti didnt act like a rabid animal 

iownmoraxass: speaking of him, how did his session go

kaeyastits: good enough, he acted tame for the entire time 

lumine: you are treating him as if he’s an animal :sweat drops: 

kaeyastits: enough of the kid, it looks like you talked to zhongli, childe

iownmoraxass: uh huh

DilucRagnivndr: Did you finally confess your feelings? 

iownmoraxass: nO wtf thats too fast 

isucktitsnotdicks: my grandfather confessed his feelings to my grandmother by 16 

isucktitsnotdicks: they divorced at 20 

iownmoraxass: thanks for the vote of confidence btw 

iownmoraxass: its not like i like the guy. he’s just cute

DilucRagnivndr: Uh-huh. 

kaeyastits: uh huh 

lumine: uh huh 

isucktitsnotdicks: uh huh 

AlatusXiao: ...If you’re not going to court him, then I will. 

iownmoraxass: oh now ur saying that 

iownmoraxass: let the best man win bitch 

AlatusXiao: I thought you don’t like him though

iownmoraxass: i changed my mind im not losing to ur short ass 

AlatusXiao:  (눈_눈)

electrocrtiqueen: anyone want to play GI with me? 

guobasupremacy: OH me me! im free rn after doing my comms 

bunnybaronboom: me too!! lets do the domain of forgery cuz i need the materials there for my character 

electrocritqueen: sure, let me just get on our discord and connect to the voice chat 

isucktitsnotdicks: im coming as well keqing, i need sum specialties 

electrocritqueen: and you decided to steal mine? 

isucktitsnotdicks: what im a pirate in-game so i might as well act as one 

electrocritqueen: :<

iownmoraxass: @DilucRagnivndr may i join ur world i kinda need to run some domains and leylines 

DilucRagnivndr: No, you may not. Go join Zhongli’s world. 

kaeyastits: Literally and figuratively 

iownmoraxass: srsly

iownmoraxass: fine im just gonna sulk in a corner and do my modules while i cry 

iownmoraxass is offline. 

Bully Childe Agenda

lumine: we’re only a week in classes and we already have a quiz?

drunkassbard: heh yeah that’s how it is in Teyvat High (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

aether: whats the coverage again?

lumine: uhhhh history of mondstadt mister dvalin says 

aether: ugh until the fall of decarabian? 

drunkassbard: oOOHHH i’m an expert in that! do u want help? （☆ω☆*）

lumine: okay sure then since it seems like you’re back from your sugar-induced coma 

aether: i thot elzer is keeping an eye on you

drunkassbard: he is~! but i managed to juke him and grab a few bars of snickers downstairs (*＞ｖ＜)ゞ*゜+

DilucRagnivndr: Don’t make me send more people there just to look after you, Venti.

drunkassbard: NOOOOOOO pls no more (┳Д┳) elzer is already stuffy enough, i dont need another stuffy guy!! 

DilucRagnivndr: … I’ll let that off-hand comment slide. 

iownmoraxass: im back fuck u guys 

AlatusXiao: Fuck you too ginger haired bitch.

iownmoraxass: wow aggressive already? calm down shorty

iownmoraxass: anw sup venti 

drunkassbard: wassup another pining fool of Morax 〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜

iownmorax: srsly

drunkassbard: you are tho, you should just confess your feelings to him. im sure he likes you too! (`•ω•´๑) 

iownmoraxass: how can u tell, youve been gone for a long ass time 

drunkassbard: doesnt mean that i dont talk to that blundering buffoon~! (✧≖‿ゝ≖) i’ll have you know that i’ve known that rock for ten years now (￣ω￣)

iownmoraxass: can u give me a percentage of how much he likes me

drunkassbard: hmmmmmmmmmmmm

drunkassbard: (◕‸ ◕✿)

drunkassbard: probs 40%-50%? the 40% is the chances that he likes u (◕▿◕✿)

iownmoraxass: not a lot, fuck. 

iownmoraxass: how bout xiao 

AlatusXiao: Really.

iownmoraxass: what, u aren’t curious?

AlatusXiao: … 

iownmoraxass: heh

drunkassbard: what am i, your personal love calculator? (￣ー￣；

kaeyastits: not just any love calculator, its a zhongli’s love calculator-for-bitches-who-cant-come in-terms-with-their-feelings-and-instead-pine-like-an-idiot

iownmoraxass: congratulations on writing that long ass burn. you want a clap?

AlatusXiao: *claps* 

kaeyastits: thanks it took 30 seconds of my precious life to type that 

drunkassbard: anw

drunkassbard: i believe when it comes to little xiao… (◕__◕✿)

drunkassbard: its a 35%~! (✿◠‿◠)

AlatusXiao: Decent enough

iownmoraxass: oh hell no it aint 

iownmoraxass: ur 5% less than me! 

iownmoraxass: i cannot accept that 

AlatusXiao: Watch out twink i’ll get that 50% soon.

iownmoraxass: heEY! i’m still older than you

AlatusXiao: … Damn it.