Chapter Text
Light was streaming through Severus Snape’s barely open eyes. A strong antiseptic smell assaulted his senses, causing the Professor to fully awaken. A sensor spell beeped, alerting the Hogwarts mediwitch that Snape was awake and alert. Before he could utter a sound, Madam Pomfrey was at his side, wand out, scanning him for after effects of his acute anaphylaxis from cannabis exposure.
“Severus Snape, I am relieved to say that you are suffering no permanent damage after your near death experience. How could you indulge in marijuana, endangering your life, knowing that you are allergic to it? Was it worth the high? Or do you enjoy flirting with death? Merlin, Severus, first a massive poisonous snake, then near death from cannabis exposure - what’s next, acromantula breeding? Scimitar juggling? Russian roulette?”
“Cease your infernal chatter, Poppy, I did not willingly ingest cannabis!”
“Madam Pomfrey, Severus was fine until the annual potluck dinner” Minerva McGonagall stated. “He collapsed almost immediately after eating a forkful of Filius’s spaghetti bolognese.”
Flitwick’s squeaky voice pierced the silence that followed Minerva’s observation. The Hogwarts staff, all still in camping attire from the retreat, were staring daggers at the diminutive Professor.
“I think I used marijuana instead of marjoram when I made the bolognese sauce. The two herbs are adjacent on my spice rack” he meekly admitted.
“Your inattention to detail leads me to believe that you can not be trusted making foodstuffs for the faculty, Professor Flitwick “ Minerva snarled. “I am confiscating your stash until such time that you can be trusted to properly store it and leave it far away from your kitchenette. And Pomona, do not replenish his supply until he has completed a course in cannabis safety.”
“I give that course to the sixth and seventh forms, Filius. You shall be taking that course, and you will be expected to earn an “Exceeds Expectations or better” Pomona Sprout shouted.
“Pomona, please do allow me to assist you with the course curriculum for our esteemed weed aficionado. Professors should be held to a higher standard, seeing as he is in a position of authority” Severus growled, causing Filius to visibly tremble.
“Professor Flitwick, you had my partner fighting for his life. When his vital signs stabilized, he started hallucinating, screaming things like ‘Dammit Harry, we’re all vinyl’, ‘Holy Merlin, this great big frigging cockroach is going to devour me’ and ‘What the hell am I doing here in New Jersey?’.
“That is the last time I help Hagrid with his Madagascan Tap Dancing cockroaches” Severus mumbled. “And Horace, no more action figure presentations at the Sharing Circle. And I don’t give a tinker’s cuss that your new, never removed from box, Severus Snape action figure with cauldron-stirring action came from a collector in suburban New Jersey!” Severus shouted, clearly at his wits end, having been pumped full of adrenaline.
“Sevvie, please relax. I almost lost you, a year after finally partnering with you. I can’t lose you” Harry whimpered.
“Be at peace, my Harry, I will never willingly leave you” Severus purred, grasping Harry’s hand, immediately calmed by their compatible magics.
“Does this count as tonight’s Sharing Circle, Professor McGonagall? Only Hermione has promised to cosplay as Doctor Barbie later”-
“Draco! Boundaries!” Hermione shrieked.
“I know I’ve shared enough tonight.” Filius mumbled.
“The lot of you may return to your quarters. We meet at the cabin at dawn, Professor Flitwick, where you will be responsible for all of Filch’s chores prior to the staff’s arrival at 8 a.m. The house elves will be joining us for breakfast. They will be providing us a totally cannabis-free repast. You will be observing its preparation. Watch and learn, Filius!” McGonagall barked.
“There has been enough excitement in my Infirmary, Professors. Severus, you may leave with Mister Potter, with the understanding that you Floo me immediately if your symptoms recur.”
“I’ll take good care of him, I promise!”
“I’ll be fine, Poppy, you need not mother hen me.”
“Any more lip from you, young man, and I’ll keep you overnight for observation!” Pomfrey sniped.
“Your medical skill is greatly appreciated, Poppy. I will notify you immediately if I have a recurrence of symptoms” Severus mumbled petulantly.
“That’s much better, Severus. Professors, I am going to retire to my quarters. Floo me if you need me.” After delivering that directive, Poppy Pomfrey authoritatively strode from the infirmary, robes billowing in a manner that put Snape’s billowing to shame.
Later, in their quarters, Harry was unusually quiet. This unnerved Severus. A quiet Harry was usually an unhappy Harry.
“Harry, beloved, what has you so troubled?”
Little did Severus know that Harry kept silent because he feared he’d bust out laughing. His imagination was running wild. Hogwarts staff as vinyl dolls.
“Severus, I gotta know, those vinyl dolls, were they buff? Or were they irresistibly cute?” Harry couldn’t help it, he succumbed to the hilarity of his partner as a square headed, big eyed, adorable vinyl doll.
“We were too cute to be taken seriously. Even Hagrid and McGonagal were adorable. And I will hex you Slytherin green if you tell a soul!”
Harry chuckled before asking his final question. “Was the cockroach cute as well? You seemed terrified of it!”
Severus wished he had never roused Harry from his silent musings. He’d had enough for one day. After a near death experience via cannabis, a solid dressing down from Poppy, hallucinations that were replaying in his brain, and Harry bringing up that blasted cockroach, Severus made good on his threat and hexed Harry, turning Potter’s hair and eyebrows (and other hairy bits) a brilliant shade of Slytherin green. The carpet matched the drapes, Severus was nothing if not thorough.
All in all, it was a typical Hogwarts faculty retreat, complete with Harry being completely, comedically humiliated by Severus Snape. And the retreat still had one more sharing circle to go. Severus couldn’t wait!