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Fear and longing crept through Fili's mind, curling between and around the joy and relief and hope, icy tendrils reaching down his neck, tightening his back, slowing him down. It had been days since he saw Kili. Not a word since. He sighed out of his suit and into worn jeans and t-shirt, dug around a drawer for warm socks. He poured whiskey in coffee, sunk down into his couch, and rubbed his hands together, idly wondering if he still had one of his grandmother's crocheted blankets somewhere.
The TV automatically landed on the sports network, his employer, his job, now his life. He didn't think he really wanted to watch that, figured a movie would provide more complete distraction, but his favorite show was on. So he sank into that, too, and allowed the debates of these other “experts” to wash over and around him, familiar as a safety blanket.
His eyelids were heavy despite the caffeine, and he wavered between getting another drink and dragging himself to bed. He kept his mind stupidly blank, focusing on knowledge he already had, arguments he had heard before or made himself, and pushed away warm brown eyes as he'd been doing his whole adult life. That, too, could be called comforting from sheer force of habit if it didn't still feel like a knife sliding from his heart.
Banging on his door jarred Fili from his stupor, confusion mixing with concern - guests had to be buzzed into his building. He stood and crept barefoot and silent to the peephole, stiffened in surprise, then threw the door open.
All he saw were eyes, warm and deep and serious, the right eyes. He froze in their intensity for long moments. Finally his view widened to see that they were framed by dark curls and dark circles, and lower by a generous mouth pulled thin with concern. "Hey," Kili murmured, eyes wide, arms reaching forward.
"Kee-" Fili grated, cleared his throat, looked down. "Oh, I should take-"
He reached for the long, shining box Kili held out to him, focused on it, turned the label to face him. "Oh."
"Oh god," Kili said, "you don't like scotch anymore."
Fili pulled his thoughts back to the, admittedly very weird, moment, and shook his head. "No. No, I do. Like it still. This is my favorite. I just-" He swallowed. "It just reminded me of ..." He trailed off, then looked away and finished with "...something."
Fili forced himself to straighten and focus on the taller, slender man in front of him, the one he'd been aching to see again for days. That's right, 'days', he grimaced inwardly. Kili swayed, just slightly.
Concern gave Fili momentary clarity. "You haven’t slept in days!"
"No," came the too soft reply.
Fili knew his brain still wasn't helping him process this. Kili. Here."No. Um. What is this for?" He hefted the box.
"Can I come in?"
"God, yes, of course," Fili stepped aside, and closed the door softly behind Kili. "I'm sorry, I'm just surprised."
"So yeah that's why the booze. Sorry for the surprise." He didn't look very sorry, eying Fili and standing tall and straight with hands in the pockets of his jeans.
Fili ran his hand through his hair. "It's fine. I mean, good."
"Put the box down, Fili," Kili responded.
"Um." He backed up and placed it on his rarely used dining table, eyes on Kili. "Come in?"
"I needed to see you, Fili," Kili rumbled. "I need to see you." A pause then, "Take your shirt off."
"My- What? Kili?"
"Do it, Fili," Kili demanded, perhaps made bold by alcohol. Or maybe it was just lack of sleep - Kili couldn't quite hide he wasn't entirely steady.
"Did you- Have you- Does he-?" Fili stammered.
"Yeah. He didn't take it well. Lots to sort out. Shouldn't be here yet. Now, please. For me."
"For me" vibrated through Fili’s body and memories and tugged him closer to the right path. He could think of nothing he wouldn't do for Kili at this point, and very slowly, not feeling sexy but rather awkward and uncertain, he pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor.
Kili's eyes burned through him. "Pants."
The world narrowed to him and to Kili, his own body again frozen in the beautiful exhausted eyes that he loved, in his confusion, his desire. Sound came back first, the babbling TV over the city's white noise, then sensation as his arms and back tightened in uncertainty. Then he unbuckled his belt, button, zipper, and he was bending to pull off his jeans.
Standing in his own entry way in his Under Armour boxers, Fili felt more naked than he had in any locker room or barracks or after any of his past trysts. He shifted, opened his mouth to say something, but words yet failed him.
"Where did you get that one?" Kili asked, eyeing a long, narrow scar across the top of Fili's chest.
"Boot camp."
"That one?"
Fili's lips quirked. "Appendix."
"And that?"
The urge to smile fled more quickly than it had come. Fili’s eyes focused somewhere around Kili's left arm. Not even past his torso, and Kili was surely looking at him like the scarred mess he was. What did he think of the leg, and what about the big one he couldn't see - whatever the concussions had done to his brain? God what right do I have to drag him into me?
"Locker room fight." It was too silent, so he continued. "Motherfucker went after a female reporter."
"Jesus, we haven't even gotten to the war," Kili murmured.
Fili rubbed his neck. Shit. Still wrong. "No. I, look, Kili, I'm-" He forced himself to at least look up while he apologized again, and what he saw snapped his jaw shut.
Kili wasn't disgusted. He looked... hungry. "You're a mess, man," he said with a ghost of a grin under dilated eyes.
Fili barked a short laugh. "Yeah."
"So where's your bedroom, Scars?"
"My. Bedroom."
Kili took a step closer, licked his lips, eyes on Fili's. "You've forgotten how to use sentences, Fili."
"Dumb jock, remember?" Fili tried to counter, mesmerized.
Another step brought heat and scents of hops and fresh air. Fili's hands twitched, but he didn't dare touch.
Kili dared. He placed a scalding hand over Fili's heart, halting its pounding along with his breath. Fili closed his eyes, drank it in. "Show me your bedroom," the deep voice spoke into whatever was left of his soul.
Fili opened his eyes and reached for the hand, but it was as Fili feared - Kili wouldn't suffer his touch. Hope blossomed out of the cold, though; maybe, maybe soon. He turned and led his dream down the short hall to his room, turned on a dim light. He turned toward Kili and was pushed, urgently, irrevocably backwards and onto his bed.
"Get comfortable," Kili growled.
Bemused, aroused, Fili did as he was told. Head back on comfortable pillows, flat on his back, hands... He didn't know what to do with his hands. Kili, at least partially, supplied that direction, too.
"Don't touch me." And with that he moved onto the bed, straddling Fili over his thighs. Kili settled back onto his knees and drank Fili in. "God, you're gorgeous," he breathed. "Just like I always imagined. Better."
Kili moved Fili's hands off his stomach and to his side. Kili took a deep breath, and Fili gasped as with reverence Kili placed his hands on Fili's shoulders, closed his eyes, sighed.
Kili opened sable eyes, glided soft hands from shoulders over to settle on Fili's chest. The eyes focused on pectoral muscles, as he caressed the skin up over collarbone and back down to shoulders. "You still work out."
"Mm," Fili managed to get out of parched mouth. He found himself relieved to be jeans-free. His dick would've been ... uncomfortable. The ache to touch, though - that radiated from head to hands, pulled at the depths of his restraint.
Kili bent down and brushed soft lips on collarbone, and Fili groaned. The lips ghosted down his chest, warm breath stirring chest hair, fleetingly teased a hard nipple.
Kili, breath already harsh, sat back up and brought focus and his hands again to pecs, dragged fingers around muscle, cupped them firmly with long fingers, moaned "I want you so bad."
"Oh god, Kili, let me touch you."
Kili's head snapped up, irises black ringed with heat, cheeks flushed. He shook his beautiful perfect exhausted hard head. "We can't be together yet. But so many. So many. Years. Of wanting and waiting and wanting, and I am taking this."
Fili fists clenched. Okay. Okay, I can do this. He just nodded.
Hands still resting on Fili's chest, Kili tilted his head, and Fili was under the magnifying glass again, bare, though no longer cold. One hand stretched up and twisted a lock of hair. "I can't braid this."
"No."
"I miss your long hair," Kili mused, "but this suits you."
Fili's fists hurt, and his jaw ached from wanting. He tried to relax, licked his lips. "Unh. Thanks."
Finger traced through beard and along jaw, collarbone, and then both scalding hands slid down chest and along ribs, thumbs caressed hip bones. Fingers slowly moved back up, raking through coarse belly hair, and Fili suppressed a moan at the tingling sensation. He tried to focus on Kili's neck and the press of weight on his thighs - not chest muscles moving under shirt, arms flexing, gasps, full lips, or erection straining against jeans.
Fili's arm jerked involuntarily, and he pressed it down, squeezed his eyes shut, hoped his heart wouldn’t beat out of his chest. Kili was playing with the hair on Fili's chest and abdomen, and then kissing a scar, and this really was too much, but he would hang on, at least Kili was here, and -
"Why don't you fight back?"
Fili's eyes snapped open, and Kili ran his hands from shoulders down to Fili's wrists, held on. "You still keep everything inside. Always in control."
Fili's eyes felt too wide as he wondered where this was going, swimming in desire, still confused. "Not always."
Kili snorted. "You only got in fights after you decided you needed to. Cold anger. Jesus Christ, you fucked women. You didn't even kiss a guy til - wait. You have kissed a guy?"
"None of your fucking business," Fili grumbled, feeling like a teenager, but the bittersweet memory cooled his heat. Kili was wrong, he could burn, and the first man he was with... Excitement, relief, the rightness of finally being true to himself, all were tempered by the stabbing certainty that it was too late, that it should've been Kili.
It should have been Kili, and the ache in his jaw was back, and down to his shoulders, and stomach, and...
"God, Fili, even now you -"
Fili twisted his arms, grabbed Kili's wrists and in one motion kicked with his good leg to reverse their position. Now Kili stared up at him with wide eyes, panting. Fili wanted to drown in the eyes but he kept himself straight, holding Kili's gaze. "Not. Always."
Kili bucked his hips, settled. "Mmm. O- Okay, Fili. I know. Just. It wasn't just that I wanted you and couldn't have you. I lost my best friend.”
Fili wanted to look away, but held on. Kili broke the eye contact, and his body tensed. “You chose hiding over our friendship. Fuck. Let me up."
Fili let go of Kili's wrists, but didn't get up. "And that is why I wasn't fighting back."
Kili shook his head, kept it turned to the side. "If this works, it -"
"This will work," Fili barked.
Kili almost smiled, but shrugged instead. "If this works, it would be stupid to be with you yet punish you forever, and we will talk, and I will forgive you. But not yet."
"No, not yet," Fili murmured as he moved off of Kili and rolled back onto his back.
Kili stayed motionless for a moment, sighed, then clambered back onto Fili. He just looked at him for an endless, breathless moment, then finally relaxed. He bent down and pressed his chest to Fili's, mouth by his ear. One hand settled on Fili's face, and one tight in his hair, and "God, I want you, you're so beautiful, I missed you. How? How did I miss you for that long? And I hated you so much sometimes. Hated, wanted," he whispered into Fili's body, and Fili was getting hard again, desperate, hands fisting in his sheets. Kili's hands reached back and down, grabbed Fili’s wrists again and pulled Fili's arms up above his own head, pinned them there with one hand, as he sat up and dragged the other hand down Fili's arm, slowly down Fili's chest, stomach, and just brushed Fili's cock through his shorts.
"Kili," he moaned, back arching.
Kili slowly let go of Fili's arms, and Fili forced them away from his tormentor and back to his side. Kili was undoing his own belt, button, zipper, and Fili shook his head in a silent and ignored plea for mercy. And then Kili's cock was out, head glistening as he started stroking it slowly with one long hand, the other back on Fili, short nails scratching patterns on his lower stomach.
Fili held his breath and watched for a long moment, then scooted them over just enough so he could fumble around the nightstand for lube. He pushed it into Kili's free hand. And then cold for a moment as Kili's touch withdrew, and hot as the tracing fingers returned.
Kili's back arched, and Fili could see just a peek of pale skin and black hair above Kili's cock, and he would explode without being touched, and "Kili, Oh godddd, Kee, you're so perfect. Fuck."
Kili's eyes were back on Fili, raking over his body, breaths were sharp gasps, lips parted, the hand on Fili erratic.
Fili's hips writhed, his cock pulsed. So. Much beauty. And he's with me. Almost with me. Maybe with me, he babbled to himself. "Me. Kili. Can I touch?" Fili took a deep shuddering breath as Kili's hand on his hard length sped up. "Can I. I'm going to touch myself, just me."
"Yesss," Kili hissed.
Finally he could do something about this, if not his first choice, and his hand had his dick and pulled it over waistband and "Kiliiii." That felt good, hand stroking up and down, Kili's weight on his legs so real.
Kili looked down, moaned, jerked hard at his cock. "Shit. Oh fuck me. God that looks -" and he came on Fili's stomach with what almost sounded like a sigh of relief. His shining curly head drooped as his hand slowed and stilled.
Warmth pooled in and on Fili's belly, his body contracted, head and eyes dropped back, and he came with a wordless shout, an intensity of sensation bordering on pain, then shuddered to calm languor.
Kili rolled off of Fili, plopping on his side with a soft grunt. "I needed that."
Fili turned his head, reality returning. Kili's eyes were closed, breath even. "Gotta go home," he mumbled.
"You can stay," Fili said softly, just resisting the urge to brush hair back from Kili's drawn face with his clean hand.
It looked like Kili might have tried to shake his head, but his only response was a soft and utterly adorable snore as he relaxed into the bed.
Fili managed to make it to the bathroom without leaving a mess and cleaned off his stomach. He padded into the living room to turn off TV and lights, then found a blanket.
He stood by the bed for a moment marveling at the fact that Kili was lying on it, then quietly laid the blanket over him. Fili crawled on the edge of the bed onto his side and watched the rise and fall of Kili's chest and the occasional fluttering of eyelids and fought the urge to touch. It seemed to him the most beautiful and engaging show he'd ever see, and he didn't want to miss a second. So despite heavy lids and uncountable yawns, he didn't.
Finally a ray of sun and bird calls and sleepily blinking brown eyes heralded the dawn. "You haven't slept," Kili croaked.
"No."
"You didn't touch me either."
"No."
"I'd admire your self-control if it hadn't burned me so badly."
Fili had no answer to that, just the familiar stabs of regret. He thought maybe he should say so, feared words were inadequate. He didn't have a chance to settle on anything, though, before Kili was up and moving on.
"You should've slept. You look worse than me now," Kili smirked.
"Impossible," Fili huffed a laugh. He looked up at Kili and was sure they almost shared a smile before Kili looked away.
"I'll walk you out," Fili said, clambering out of bed.
"No, get some sleep. Better not to draw this out anyway. Um, right." Kili ran a hand through his hair, looked down. "So. Thanks." He turned away.
"When-"
Kili stopped, kept his back to Fili. "I don't know. I'll text when I can."
And once again Fili held onto everything he wanted to say and resisted the urge to plead for more, to tell Kili how badly he missed him, needed him, would make it up to him in every way he possibly could. But he wouldn't make this harder on Kili than it already was. "Thank you for stopping by," he said softly.
Fili told himself it was the lack of sleep that made it look like Kili was taking a path straight back out of his life. He followed him as far as the living room hoping for just a glance back.
He got it. A flash of deep brown, and maybe - and he told himself this wasn't sleep-deprived imagination - a hint of a smile. He held onto that like a lifeline as the door closed behind Kili, taking his warmth with him.