Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Dear Evan Hansen,

I’m not allowed to write about how lame I think this scheme is. I can, however, tell you that this is my 14^th attempt that hasn’t been rejected yet and let you draw your own conclusions from that.

So you’re also a member of the mentally fucked therapy patient, how’s that for you? Doesn’t it make you wanna die even more?

My name is Connor Murphy, I have bipolar disorder, I’m 17 and I’m considering a second suicide attempt over writing any more of this shit.  And my favourite movie is One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

I’m now required to ask you 3 questions in order to maintain the communication between us in order to best develop a lifelong co-dependency, did I say co-dependency? I meant to write friendship. Auto-correct.

1. How are you fucked up?
2. What fucked you up? Abusive dad? Orphan? Gamma radiation?
3. What’s your emotional response towards couscous? Personally I don’t trust it. But don’t let that sway you.

Sincerely,

Me.

Dear Connor Murphy,

Hello. Do you have to write hello after already saying ‘Dear’?
Is the ‘Dear’ the ‘Hello’ of a letter?
Have I just essentially said “Hello, Hello?”.
Am I overthinking it?
I’m probably overthinking it.

14 letters is excessive, I only got up to 10. But my therapist wasn’t censoring me. It was more me censoring myself, because I came off too annoying, and I overshared, and my writing started to go wonky and then I thought like “Oh my god what if he thinks I’m on crack?” and THEN I thought “But what if he’s on crack and thinks it’s offensive that I think my writing looks like a crackhead wrote it? Some crackheads might have really nice handwriting- This is maybe why it took me 10 attempts.

 Yes, I’m also in therapy. It’s fine. How’s your therapy?

I’m also 17. I have a social anxiety disorder, can you tell? Is it obvious? Are you lying if you say no? There’s no right way to respond to this.

Also (am I using the word also too much) you only technically asked me one question so the communication flow is severely lacking on your part. The answer is indifference. Although I’d like to hear further of your distrust of couscous… Which leads me into my 3 questions:

1. Why do you dislike couscous?
2. How can you not trust a food?
3. What fucked you up? Dead uncle? Cyrofreeze?

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. Even if it’s lined out I can still read it.

Dear Evan Hansen,

You don’t say hello in a letter. It’s like rule number one of letters. Rule number two is that you also don’t comment on the handwriting of another person, and since I’m well-versed in letter etiquette, your crack habits are a safe secret hidden among uncrossed T’s and ink smudges (are you left-handed?).

Therapy is therapy, no-one’s therapy is fine. If you’re in therapy, you’re not fine.

Having said that, my therapy is fine.

Also, with the social anxiety thing… Sucks, bro. :/  Now that’s out the way I want to discuss couscous. I have very strong opinions okay? I don’t believe in it. What is it? Is it a lentil? Is it a rice? Is it a vegetable? Is it a carb? It makes me uncomfortable and I don't. trust. it.
Evan Hansen, how can you feel so indifferent towards such an abomination? How can you live with yourself knowing you made such wrong decisions!
(Wait list that as one of my 3 questions)

2. What are your interests?
3. What’s your favourite colour?

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Yes, I know, that’s how we send secret messages. It’s covert Evan, keep up.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I think maybe I should’ve taken a class on letter etiquette before I agreed to this exercise, my therapist didn’t warn me of the expectations when she gave me the Pen-pal Talk (capitalisation completely necessary). I’m not 100% sure that mentioning a crack habit is entirely appropriate in letters that go through our respective therapists, but I won’t tell if you don’t. ((Dr Sherman if you’re reading this please know I am joking, I would never do crack. I snorted sugar once and I did it too hard and burst a blood vessel in my nose and it bled out for like 2 hours and I had to go to A&E, I am very particular about the contents of my nose and I promise for it to remain that way so please don’t tell my mom I do crack, I don’t wanna get grounded.))

Yes, I’m left-handed, well I was, before the ‘incident’. That made it sound like I lost my arm. I still have it. It’s just broken. I fell out of a tree. I like trees (they’re my interests).

My favourite colour is blue. Like the sky. Or like, water. Or you know… Other blue things.

1. What’s your favourite colour?
2. What’s your favourite tree? (This is very important to me)
3. Have you ever been to A&E?

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Copy that, over.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Your therapist doesn’t think you’re doing crack Evan, chill out. These letters are confidential. They’re meant to inspire trust between anonymous parties, if we knew therapists read them we probably wouldn’t get past the shit like “what are you’re interests?”. SPEAKING OF INTERESTS.

Who THE FUCK  has trees as an interest?! That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Okay that was mean I’m sorry.
I never really thought about trees.
 Is pot a tree? It’s like, a plant, and trees are plants.
So like… In theory pot is a tree.
That’s my answer. I stand by it.

Wow. Blue. Original. Very masculine and heteronormative. Mine is yellow. (If we ever met I think you’d laugh at that).

Also yes I’ve been to A&E, but it wasn’t for snorting sugar that’s for damn sure. The suicide attempt mentioned in my first letter. Or are we glazing over that?

Now it’s time for the question segment of today’s letter:

1. Worst thing about your M.I?
2. Favourite place?
3. What question would you like to ask your future self? Maybe 30 years down the line I’ll send your letters back to you to see how you answered. If we're both alive.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Roger that, Hansen. Over and out.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I THE FUCK have an interest in trees, thank you very much. And pot is not a tree, the mere suggestion of that offends me to my very core. Trees are all high and shit- actually there are some similarities. (Please say that was funny, I don’t understand weed culture. 4/20 blaze it.)

Hey I like blue but the very last thing I am is hetero and how dare you suggest otherwise. (I’m gay btw, idk if that’s weird for you but like if it is then that’s kinda your problem not mine but I feel the need to validate myself through other people’s opinions ((worst thing about my M.I.))  so like kinda is my problem but can’t really help that because apparently it’s the chemical imbalance in my brain but being gay is just like a part of who I am and if you hate it then you’re being dick and you can’t blame an imbalance in your brain it’s just like blatant homophobia- I’m making it more weird by talking about it aren’t I? Imagine that conversation x10 and you get me coming out to my mom)

My favourite place Ellison State Park, I did a summer internship there, it’s actually how I broke my arm. You didn’t ask but I thought you might find that interesting, I don’t know why. I wasn’t just like weirdly hanging out in a tree, I was an intern …weirdly hanging out in a tree.

 I would ask my future self what I should study in college but that’s dumb because by the time I get my own answer I’d be 30 and if I didn’t go to college because I was waiting for an answer you’d probably just have to send the letter to a cardboard box on the side of the street because I’d have no life. No future. No qualifications. Just a boy and his box.

So instead I’d ask him,

Dear Evan Hansen,

Are you Happy?

Sincerely,

You.

What about you? What would you ask?

Do you believe in aliens?

What do you want to study at college?

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. Who’s Roger? Are you sending therapy letters to other people, Murphy? I thought what we had was special.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Your weed jokes are terrible, I bet you haven't even drunk a marijuana. (See? That's how it's done. Comedy gold right there.)

Yes you made it more weird, why would you assume I was some homophobic asshole? Would a homophobic asshole get strung up about heteronormativity? I think not.
Checkmate.
In the spirit of oversharing I'm bi so like, enjoy that information I guess. 

Man I wish I was a fly on the wall through-out your coming out, that would've been an Experience™. Pretty brave though. How did your mom react? 

You make climbing trees sound like a weird kink thing, I don't wanna kinkshame man but if that's what gets you off then I might have to cease communication for some time until I can get the mental image of you rubbing yourself on a tree like a bear with a scratch and getting off in the middle of the national park out of my brain. What do you look like?

I would ask myself "Was it worth it to try?". I hope for both our sakes the respective answers are yes.

I believe in aliens, who knows maybe I should study them in college. Is there a course for Extra terrestrial study? If not then I'll make one: E.T. 101. Would you attend my class, Hansen?

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. I would never. It's only us, Hansen.