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i.
It starts as an accident. Mindless scrolling turned into lurking on fan blogs, turned into making an anonymous blog in order to like things so he could save them and… well, it all just sort of fell apart from there.
It was weird, being told about your life by the internet, and he found it strange how so many things were just accepted to be true on there. Apparently his daddy kink was alive and well but also, more worryingly, in certain corners of the web the question about whether he and Phil were an item wasn’t even being asked. It was just accepted as fact.
The ‘proof’ was the worst. A long list of behaviours that apparently proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they were an item. Stood too close, let their gazes linger too long, moved in each other’s space without thinking. They were too close, too forgiving of each other’s presence, too much, too much of everything. And the trouble was, Dan started to notice it too. He saw patterns and meaning in the everyday where he hadn’t before. Prompted by the insistence of unknown people on the internet with his own face in their display pictures, he started to question everything.
“God, I barely slept at all.” Phil said, moving into the kitchen with tiny, uncoordinated steps.
“Yeah?” Dan said, pulling mugs from the cupboard.
“Yeah. Don't know why, I was really tired.”
“Why are you awake now then? Go back to bed.”
He watched as Phil reached for the cupboard above the oven and pulled down the box of cereal.
“Heard you up and about.” Phil shrugged, as though that answered the question. He yawned and began pouring out cereal.
Dan simply hummed in response and moved around Phil to get the milk for the coffee, closing the cupboard door Phil had left open in the process.
When he was done with the milk he slid it across the counter top to Phil.
“I was thinking we could get lunch at that weird noodle place after the meeting today.” Phil was saying as he poured milk. “I can't believe they did strawberry noodles, what even is that?”
“Sounds good.” Dan said, distracted now.
Phil was babbling about the meeting and unusually flavoured noodles and all Dan could focus on was that somehow, without needing to be asked or discussing it first, they had made a small division of labour.
As they left the kitchen Dan had a coffee in one hand and a bowl of cereal made by Phil in the other. Similarly, Dan had made coffee for Phil without even thinking about it.
They moved around each other with practised ease, sinking into the couch at the same time, putting on anime they'd been watching, picking up from the last episode.
It was troubling. Was it troubling? Perhaps Tumblr had just got in his head. There was nothing wrong with having a comfortable routine with your housemate. They were best friends after all.
He tried not to believe that Phil, despite lack of sleep and the want to be curled up in bed, had gotten up just to spend time with Dan. Just because this was their routine and he didn't want to miss it.
He tried to convinced himself, but when Phil nodded off on the couch once breakfast was finished, curled in on himself, head tipped towards Dan, it wasn't as easy to believe.
ii.
It wasn't just Tumblr. Dan started noticing people they actually knew making assumptions too.
“Hey, where's Phil?” he heard someone ask.
“Over by the bar,” Dan responded without looking up.
“Thanks, I knew you'd know.” There a giggle. A small one. It shouldn't have affected him the way it did and yet…
“What do you mean I'd know?” Dan whips his head up to see a sheepish Jack Howard hovering by his elbow.
“God, Um.” Jack looked shocked at Dan's response, hand coming up to cup the back of his own neck. “I just meant, well, you always know where he is.”
“I don't… I…” Dan frowned. “Not always.”
“Okay Dan,” and the smile was back in place, awkward moment seemingly passed. “You know better than I do. Always losing the other half of my duo. I've got no idea where Dean is, probably causing a ruckus somewhere. Maybe I should know. Fuck. I'm going to get blamed for it aren't I?”
Dan laughed, because that was the appropriate response. He was only slightly perturbed that he’d referred to them as a ‘duo’ at least it wasn’t ‘couple’. Jack comparing them to him and Dean just meant a comparison to a working partner, nothing more. “You'd better find him then.”
With a final good natured laugh Jack was gone, disappearing into the crowd. Sure enough, he caught up with Phil who was stood chatting the bar. Dan couldn't consciously remember how he'd known that, they'd been separated as soon as they'd entered this party so God knows how Dan had known where he was. Was he that conscious of his friend’s movements around a room? Tracking him in his peripheral vision all the while?
Dan caught Phil's eye as he looked up and felt a weird sinking sensation in his stomach as he smiled. He couldn't explain why.
Instead, he downed the drink in his hand and went to order another one, because it was easier than thinking about it.
Later though, drunk and loose in the taxi home, he couldn't help but ask.
“Do you know where I am?”
Phil's eyebrows knitted together and he didn't even verbalise a response, simply tipped his head in a manner that suggested Dan wasn't making much sense.
“I mean at parties and stuff, do people ask you where I am?”
“You mean on the rare occasions we're not stood next to each other? Yeah, sometimes”
“And do you know?”
Phil looked confused again.
“I mean--” Dan attempts, swimming through the thick fog that has descended over him.
“Yeah I know what you mean, I just hadn't thought about it before.”
“Oh.”
“I mean, I guess I do. But I suppose it's because I know I'm going to have to point you out or drag you into a conversation eventually so it saves time, you know?” he laughs, “I didn't even know I was doing it.”
“Me either.” Dan admitted, satisfied with Phil's reasoning behind it. “Is it weird?”
“No,” Phil shrugged leaning back in his seat, “We're like, business partners, most discussions I have at work things like that will involve you at some point.”
“I guess you're right.” Dan nodded. “But, just, go out sometime this week okay? And don't tell me where or when you're going.”
Phil laughed good-naturedly. “Sure. If it will make you feel better.”
He reached out and patted Dan's leg reassuringly and Dan, alcohol-fuzzy and slow, stared at the spot Phil's fingers had touched the whole way home.
And Dan thinks it will be fine. Until Phil is on his way out of the door on Wednesday and Dan shouts goodbye down the stairs followed by “Say hi to PJ for me.”
Phil blinks up at him and grins. “Sure. But Dan? That's a little creepy.”
“I know,” Dan says as the door swings shut, “I know.”
iii.
It keeps happening. It's not even the big stuff, that's the problem. Because as much as Dan could try to curb his behaviours with the most obvious stuff, it always ends up being the unconscious little things that resonate the most, that make him question things.
The way they reach out to each other, touch without thought. The press of a hand to a arm to get the other’s attention, gentle pushes against the rib cage in response to a joke, consoling palms swept gently across shoulder blades in times of stress. IT’s all too much and it makes Dan aware of his body, calculating the space left between them and wondering if it’s too much or too little for any given situation. He used to be able to work it out easily, now it seems he’s lost the skill, finds himself drifting closer. But Phil doesn’t mind, or if he does he hasn’t said anything, but Dan knows it’s probably only a matter of time.
Other people though. Other people making assumptions is what really sends Dan’s brain into overdrive. It’s easy to notice when the fans do it, but it never occurs to him that people in their lives do too.
It sneaks up on him, when his phone rings in mid January.
“Hello?”
“Dan,” Louise says happily, “Hey sweetie. I'm just calling to find out about Phil's birthday.”
And maybe he's being thinking too much, and he's definitely been on Tumblr too much because instead of simply telling her he says “Why would you assume I'm doing something for Phil's birthday?”
“Well, aren't you?”
“Not the point.” Dan mumbles, dropping down on his bed. “I resent the assumption.”
“That's a weird thing to say.”
Louise won't ever let Dan get away with things, she's always calling him out on his bullshit.
“Sorry,” Dan apologises, “I am doing something for Phil's birthday, party round here. I'll text you the details.”
“What's going on, Dan?”
Dan stays silent for a moment but Louise gives him the space, doesn't let him off the hook.
“I just, why do people always assume things about me… and Phil?”
“Assume things? I don't… I mean, I hadn't thought I was assuming anything. What has brought this on?”
“I don't mean you.”
“Then who? The internet? Because honestly you sort of bring that on yourselves. It's been your branding for years and you really do mess with them a bit.”
“No,” Dan says hurriedly, “I know, I don't mean that. The shipping and stuff, when it's ridiculous and made out of nothing. I get that, it's just…”
“Daniel Howell, exactly how much time are you spending on your Tumblr tag?”
“Not alot.”
“Really?”
“Okay. But sometimes I think… like, when they point stuff out that I didn't even notice, you know. Sometimes…”
“You believe them? Dan, that's ridiculous. You can't start shipping yourself.”
“Ugh. I know.”
“Well then.”
“I just mean, it's easy to start reading into stuff when you're given situations from a third party perspective. There’s only so many loops of gifs I can watch before I start believing their interpretation of that moment. It’s just so easy to get swept along.”
Louise hums in agreement. “It is. But, tell me, do you want it to be true?”
Dan is silent.
“Dan are you reading all of this in to it because you want there to be some truth to it? Are you hoping?”
“I…” He snaps his mouth shut for a second, frowning into the phone. “I just want to know why everyone assumes things. Like, it's just expected that I'm the one doing Phil's birthday thing.”
“You're best friends.” Louise says, “Sure, you're closer than most but, that's just who you guys are. It's doesn't have to be any more than that. Unless you want it to be.”
Dan takes a deep breath and, in a rush so that he doesn't lose courage, finally let's out the thought he'd been holding in. “I don't know if I do.”
“Well I can't answer that for you hun.”
“I know. I've just never even thought about it before but now… every little thing. Why is it so difficult?”
“I don't think it has to be.”
“How?”
“Well, you know. Stay off Tumblr for one.”
“Obviously.”
“And,” Louise says with a sigh “Talk to Phil.”
“Lou…”
“I'm serious Dan, it's the only way.”
“I’m not even sure what I'd say.” Dan admits, “I don't even think it makes sense to me.”
“Yeah,” Louise sympathises, her voice soft and lilting “I know. But you're the only one that can work that out.”
“Right.” Dan says standing up from his bed as if willed into action. “Less of this, it's stupid. It's all just too much Tumblr and not enough sleep. Honestly I don't even know what I'm going on about.”
“Okay,” Louise says, but she doesn't sound like she believes him.
“Party. Here. Weekend of Phil's birthday week. I'll text you.”
“Right, thanks Dan. I'll see you then.”
“See you.”
Dan stands in the middle of his room for a moment, adrift in the middle of his carpet. He knows he should let it go, it is just over thinking and absolute nonsense considering that he hadn't even noticed any of this before. But he can't shake it, the little voice in his head that keeps asking what it all means and whether Phil thinks about these things too and whether any of it is normal. He's aware of himself at all moments and he can't be at ease knowing that his unconscious actions might mean something more than he'd originally intended them to. Especially when he can't be entirely sure that he hadn't meant them on some level.
“I know what you're up to” comes a voice from the hallway.
“Shit Phil, you made me jump.”
“Sorry,” Phil grins.
“What do you mean you know what I'm up to?”
“The party. I hope it wasn't supposed to be a surprise. If so, you're pretty crap at keeping it.”
“No,” Dan says, “Not a surprise. I just hadn't gotten around to sorting it yet. You didn't have other plans did you?”
“No,” Phil shrugs, “I just kind of assumed you'd be…”
Dan wonders how much of the conversation Phil heard and what he might have discerned from it.
“Oh, yeah. Of course. I am.”
Somehow it doesn't make him feel weird when Phil assumes, he feels warm. His face could be flushing but he isn't sure.
“Good. And don't worry, I don't know anything else about it. I only caught the end of your conversation there.”
“Good.” Dan nods, “That's good. But, it's not a surprise. You can have anything you want.”
“I trust you.” Phil smiles, soft and small, “You'll sort it.”
“Yeah,” Dan says, smiling back “I will.”
iv.
Dan knows he’s really reading into it all when his over-thinking brain thinks Phil’s mum might be in on it. Of course, she has always been accepting of Dan, drawing him into the tight circle of their family without comment. There is always a spot at their dinner table, and Dan has always been grateful.
So he tries not to bat an eye when Phil is on the phone to his mum one lazy evening and says “Yeah, he’s fine.” and “I’ll let him know you liked it.” and “Yes mum, do you just want to talk to him?”
He probably shouldn’t assume that Phil’s mum is talking about him but, who else would it be?
Phil gestures with the phone a few moments later in Dan’s direction and removes any doubt. Dan accepts it in silence because it's normal, or it would be, if he could just stop overthinking everything.
“Dan,” she says as soon as he gets the phone to his ear.
“Hello.”
“Tell that son of mine that you’re coming up next weekend will you?”
“I am?”
“He hasn’t even told you has he? I don’t know what I’m going to do with him. Always forgetting. Yes, cousin Rita’s birthday. Not Phil’s cousin, not even my cousin… come to think of it I don’t know whose cousin she is.”
Dan laughs slightly, trying to keep up, catching Phil’s eye on the other end of the couch. Phil stretches his legs out and wriggles his toes under Dan’s thigh. That’s new.
“Anyway” she’s continuing, “We’re having a party and I told Phil that of course you’re invited. He says that you wouldn’t want to come but I said of course you would. You would, wouldn’t you Dan?”
“Err… yeah.” Dan swallows, feeling how cold Phil’s feet are against his leg. He’s only wearing pyjama pants and Phil hasn’t got socks on and for God’s sakes it isn’t like this is in any way a strange situation but Dan can’t stop focussing on the sensation of Phil’s toes pressed under his leg. “Of course I will.”
Phil is looking at him intently and Dan shrugs.
“If that’s okay” Dan adds, mostly for Phil.
“Well of course it is,” she says in a rush, “It’s been ages since I’ve seen you both. You really should come to visit more often. We miss you, you know.”
Dan laughs, but he isn’t sure it really sounds sincere, because he’s pretty sure that isn’t normal. Since when did people’s parents accept strangers into their families so readily? The Lesters were warm and inviting people but this was a stretch, thinking of Dan in the same breath as thinking about their son.
“We’ll see you next weekend.” Dan reassures and watches Phil’s eyebrows shoot up.
He says his goodbyes and hangs up, passing the phone back to Phil.
“Did you get the guilt trip too?” Phil asks, removing his feet from Dan’s leg.
“She mentioned she hadn’t seen… us in a while.”
“Yeah. I try to get up every few weeks but, we’ve been really busy you know?”
“I know.” Dan nods as Phil twists in his seat to flop down on the couch.
“We really should visit more often.” Phil sighs. He lands so that the top of his head is now pressed where his feet were, crown brushing Dan’s thigh. “So you’re coming to the thing?”
“I mean, not if you don’t want me to.” Dan clarifies, resisting the urge to put his hand in Phil’s hair. It comes from nowhere and he vows to stay off Tumblr tonight, because this is getting ridiculous.
“No, of course I want you to… I mean, whatever, you might as well.” Phil shrugs, “I just thought you wouldn’t want to.”
“Why?”
“Because it’ll be boring, it's just a family thing. A small thing for a distant relative. I don’t know…” he trails off and Dan can see the genuine look on Phil’s face. “We have to go to that panel thing with the BBC the next day.”
“I’ll come.” Dan insists, “Like you said, I haven’t seen your mum in ages and… well it’ll be good to get away won’t it? Besides, the panel is up that way, we'll be closer if anything.”
“Yeah,” Phil says, closing his eyes, “It makes sense really.”
“Yeah.”
--
When they arrive at Phil’s parents’ house the next weekend they are greeted with hugs and Dan is quite swiftly passed a drink of something strong.
“Drink it dear,” Phil’s mum says in a conspiratorial whisper, “You’ll need it.”
“Oh god, I will?” Dan says, making his eyes go wide and trying to stop the rush of affection he feels for this family.
“Cousin Rita,” she says glancing up at Phil with a knowing look.
“I told you.” Phil says with a slight grimace.
“Just ignore her,” Phil’s mum says, “She won’t be told.” She swipes a hand across both of their shoulders, dusting off invisible lint. “You both look so handsome.” she pinches Dan’s cheek and reaches up to pat Phil’s head. “I’ve put you both in your room Phil, go drop your stuff and come and mingle, there’s a lot of people that want to say hi.”
With that she wanders into the party leaving Dan wondering who won’t be told what.
The rest of the evening passes quickly and with so many small awkward encounters that Dan is fairly glad that Phil stays by his side so that he doesn’t have to waste any more of his brain’s capacity subconsciously tracking him around the room. He still hasn’t dropped the habit, however much he told himself that he would.
When they meet the infamous Rita she announces loudly, to the room, that it is so good to finally meet Phil’s ‘special friend’. Dan thinks he could be reading into the elderly relative’s proclamation a little bit, due to his recent rumination on the subject, but she proceeds to explain that her new neighbours are ‘two lovely gay gentleman’ but that Dan and Phil make a ‘much more handsome couple by far’ so Dan’s pretty sure that he was spot on with his interpretation.
Dan is mortified, red in the face, but Phil gets him another drink and pleads with his eyes for Dan not to say anything.
Similar conversations happen with a number of Phil’s relatives who seem to be under the impression that because Dan and Phil live together that they also live together. Phil doesn’t seem to want to cause embarrassment for relatives he won’t see again for a long time so he doesn’t contradict them, and Dan doesn’t either.
The drinks keep coming and Dan is warm and Phil is leaning somewhat by the time they get some space. Dan has dropped his guard and has let his mind run wild with speculation and as he accepts yet another compliment on how happy Phil looks, and how lucky he is to have a friend like Dan, he begins to let himself imagine that it’s true.
It’s innocent at first, and he doesn’t mean to, but as he replies with “I’m quite lucky too” he catches Phil’s eye. His friend smiles shyly and nods a little and Dan almost thinks he might be going along with it.
They don’t outright agree to play along. But it happens anyway.
They drift closer, as if they’ve been maintaining a sort of distance between them up to now and have finally relaxed the tension. Their shoulders brush, fingers gravitating to a lower back to move the other through the crowd. Hands brush as they pass each other drinks, lips brush the soft shell of an ear as they lean close to speak over the music and Dan lets himself just, be.
It is the most free he has felt in a long time and suddenly, he feels as though he doesn’t want to go back to leaving that gap between them.
Phil slips a hand into his on the way up the stairs once the party is over. They are both a little worse for wear in the drink department and Dan can excuse the hand holding with the fact that they both sway against the banister.
“That was mad.” Phil says once they reach his room. He drops Dan’s hand and sits on the bed, lifting a leg to pull off his shoe. Dan tries not to feel disappointed at the loss.
“Completely mental” he agrees instead.
“Shit,” Phil says as his shoe flies off with too much force and he is propelled backwards on to the bed.
Dan lets out a loud raucous laugh, bending at the waist. Unfortunately, this only serves to tip him forwards too and Dan falls face first on to the bed beside Phil.
They laugh together for a few moments, shaking and rolling on the bed so that they move closer. Soon, the thread of what they were even laughing at disappears and they are simply looking at each other, matches grins gracing their features.
“Tonight was mad,” Dan repeats, “but I had fun.”
“Me too.” Phil agrees, reaching out a hand to cover Dan’s where it is spread on the duvet between them. “I liked… not having to contradict everything all the time.”
Dan’s eyes must go wide and he feels his lips part.
“I mean,” Phil corrects, “There is nothing to deny, of course. I mean… it was nice not having to worry about it all the time. To just let people think whatever the hell they want.”
Dan nods slowly, lets his eyes slip shut and blames the drink for what he says next.
“Do you ever… have you ever thought about it?”
Phil goes silent for a moment and Dan almost thinks he might have fallen asleep.
“I’ve thought about it.” Phil whispers finally. “Have you?”
“Yeah,” Dan admits, “Sometimes too much.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” Phil announces.
Dan freezes when feels Phil roll away. It’s only when he hears Phil continuing to get changed that he dare move, safe in the knowledge that Phil hasn’t left the room because Dan has pushed this too far.
“We need to go to sleep.” Phil says, insistent and final, and Dan drags himself up to get changed too.
They finally climb into the bed beside each other, which in itself should be weird but the alcohol is lending a pleasant sense of ‘not-giving-a-fuck’ to Dan’s brain and he’s thankful that he doesn’t have to overthink this one right about now.
“Thanks for coming to the party,” Phil says as they drift off to sleep, flat on their backs on separate edges of the bed.
“Thanks for having me,” Dan says, and he means it.
He loses himself to thinking a few minutes later, imagining what it would be like to always have conversations like he did tonight, to always let the space between them dissolve, to collapse the boundaries they’ve built up, to fall asleep next to Phil like this every night. Thinking of this, he finally sleeps.
v.
The next time it is pretty much his fault. He hadn't checked the travel plans for the panel closely enough, hadn't really thought he'd had to because this was the BBC and he's so sure that they know what is and isn't going on in the world of Dan and Phil that it hadn't crossed his mind.
But it turns out, whatever unknown person in a random office somewhere who is responsible for booking hotels has either been vastly uninformed or is an actual shipper because as they drop their bags on the hotel room floor they come to the slow realisation that there is only one bed.
“Well,” Phil shrugs, “Here we go again.”
“Is this becoming a weird pattern?”
“Nah,” Phil says.
“Should we say something? Try to switch rooms?”
“I mean, it doesn't bother me. We should probably drop it into conversation at the radio station at some point but… does it bother you?”
“No,” Dan says and realises that it doesn't, really. “It doesn't.”
“Good. Right, panel. I think some of the others are meeting in the hotel bar for coffee before we head over, you want to go down?”
“Definitely.”
It turns out this thing is bigger than he'd thought and there are even Americans. Which means there is even an awkward encounter with Cat to navigate. He's thankful for the coffee in his system to make it tolerable but less thankful that Phil gets dragged away within minutes of ordering it.
“Hey stranger,” Cat says, cheerful and loud in his ear.
“Hi Cat.”
“Long time no see.”
“Yeah, busy times huh?”
And while it's true, they both know that isn't really the reason.
Somehow they've found themselves separated from the crowd, perched on the end of a table while everyone else is in conversation with each other.
They talk for five minutes before she asks.
“So,” and she flicks her hair out of her eyes distractedly, “Any gossip? Potential love interests? Come on, what's going on with you?”
“Nothing,” Dan insists. “Definitely no love interests.”
“You sure?”
“Come on Cat, when does that ever work out for me?”
“It will,” she assures him.
Dan purses his lips for a moment and really does try not to ask. He hears the words falling from his own lips before he's made up his mind to say them but once it's happened he's fairly intrigued to know the answer.
“Why didn't it ever worked out with us? You know, just so I can get a handle on where I'm going wrong.”
Somewhere across the room Phil is laughing at something Hazel Hayes is saying and Dan feels a grin on his own face. Phil looks up, catches Dan's eye and smiles. He tips his head as if to ask if Dan's okay and Dan just nods.
“It's Phil.” Cat says bluntly.
“What?”
“Phil… is the, you know, reason.”
“You like Phil?”
Cat laughs, it's warm and not at all mocking. “No.”
“You don’t like Phil?”
“Phil is literal sunshine, I defy anyone not to like Phil, come on.”
Dan feels his brows furrow. “You think… I like Phil?”
Cat is suddenly serious, turning in her seat until she is facing him. She sighs before speaking.
“I can't answer that. All I know is that regardless of where you guys draw the line in your relationship it's never visible enough for anyone else to be able to see.”
“I don't understand.”
“When something exciting happens, who do you tell?”
Dan frowns again.
“When you think about doing something you’ve always wanted to do, or to go travelling, or hell, see a movie, who do you see next to you doing that stuff?”
Dan licks a lip as if thinking, but this is the one thing he doesn’t have to overthink. At least not the initial image of those things, the implications of it though… that’s another story.
“Fair point.” he settles for saying.
“It's difficult for someone to get close to you and try to be the most important part of your life when that role pretty securely taken up already.”
“But people's friends are important.” Dan insists. “With the absence of a romantic possibility, wouldn’t you usually imagine your best friend for those things?”
He’s not sure who he’s trying to convince, her or himself.
“Yes,” Cat nods, a soft small hand on his arm, “But Dan, when that possibility comes along, people usually make room in their lives for new people, rearrange things, make a girlfriend or boyfriend some space to develop in that role. But…”
“I don't?”
Cat shrugs, “It felt like it wasn't even an option.”
“Oh.”
“I don't mind,” Cat corrects, “It wasn't meant to happen and it's not like I'm still sore about it or anything.” She smiles, all teeth.
“That's good, I guess.”
“Do you think… well, I mean.. not to sound like a weird fangirl or something but what if the reason you can't let anyone in is because Phil is the moment important person… in more ways than he already is. What if you don’t want to change that, ever.”
Dan glances over at his friend.
“You should see the way you look when you think he can't see you,” he says when he doesn’t respond.
“What? No I…”
“Even more though, you should see the way he looks when he thinks you can't see him.”
Dan shakes his head and tries not to let that thought invade. Somehow though, it does anyway.
vi.
The final straw is when he starts projecting it onto Phil. Curse Cat and her putting the stupid thought in his head, but as soon as it’s wriggled in there it sets up camp and Dan can hardly stop himself from reading into Phil’s actions now, as well as his own.
He’s asking himself questions every second of the day. Is it usual for best friends to be so emotionally codependent? It can’t be normal for a roommate to be the person that knows you better than anyone else ever has. But then, they’ve never been normal.
He barely has to finish sentences.
“Can you pass me the--” is met with the precise thing he’d wanted.
“I’m hungry,” results in Phil cooking the exact thing he’d been craving because, shock horror, he’d been craving the same thing because they’d seen it on some stupid tv show earlier that day.
Utter silence is met with compassion. Quiet comfort in the form of space, or allowing Dan to choose the movie they put on and then ignore. It’s sitting shoulder to shoulder on one end of their couch even though the other end is completely empty. It’s Phil not asking to fill the silence because he knows Dan can’t, and Dan offering Phil the same in return.
There isn’t much Dan doesn’t overthink these days and it’s almost inevitable that he’ll have to tackle the problem at some point. He’s been spending so long taking everyone else’s assumptions and opinions on their relationship, he thinks maybe it’s time to ask Phil what he thinks, or at least tell Phil what he’s feeling. If only he could actually work it out.
“Do you ever think about it?” he asks again, because it harks back to an earlier conversation, and it seems like a good place to start. It’s familiar. Safe.
He doesn’t know if Phil can read minds, or if it’s just because he can see Dan has Tumblr open on his laptop, but Phil understands what he’s talking about.
“I think about it,” he nods, looking pensive but not actually looking up from his computer. “But, you don’t need to worry, you’re not actually in love with me Dan.”
“How do you know?”
Phil smirks, “because I’d know if you were.”
“What if I didn’t even know?”
“How would you not know if you were in love with someone?” Phil still isn’t looking at him, but Dan can tell from the way his eyes stop tracking over the screen that he isn’t paying attention to what’s on his computer either. He eyes keep slipping sideways, glancing in his peripheral vision.
Dan shrugs, because he knows Phil can see it. “It could happen.”
“Well, I don’t think so. If you’re in love, then you’re in love. And you Dan, you’re not in love. So it’s fine.”
“I just think it’s a bit presumptuous isn’t it? To assume I’m not.”
Phil does turn to look at him then.
“Are you trying to convince me that you’re in love with me? Or are you trying to convince yourself?”
Dan just bites his lip and can’t think of what to say, because he’s not even sure any more because it’s all just wrapped up with other people’s opinions and assumptions they’ve made. Maybe it’s not even possible for him to know anymore.
“Do you think it’s possible to overthink yourself out of love?”
“With you Dan, I think it’s possible to overthink yourself out of anything. Or into anything. Coffee?”
Dan marvels. How can Phil go make coffee right now, hasn’t he just said that he might be in love with him? Or has he? Has he really said anything at all or, for all his words, has he said absolutely nothing?
“No, thanks.” Dan says quietly.
“Probably for the best, it’ll only make your brain work even faster than it already is.”
Phil rises from the couch and pauses for a moment, leaning to run a finger through Dan’s fringe, pushing it from his face. It’s surprising, and Dan doesn’t really know what to make of it but before he can ask, Phil leaves to room.
It’s time, he thinks, to stop asking for other people’s opinions and just sort it out for himself. He takes the first step, and closes the lid of his laptop, cutting off Tumblr’s hold on him and equally, silencing a million voices.
The next step is the logic. To try and piece it out.
Falling in love is a messy and complication business and it’s not something he’s ever tried before. Perhaps because it’s not something one usually has to try at. It’s a shame, he thinks, because if only he could work it out it could be great. Because if it turns out all of his behaviours add up to having fallen in love with Phil, then all of Phil’s behaviours should add up to him having fallen in love with Dan too. At least, that’s the logical angle. Two plus two equals four. Dan plus Phil equals…. Well, he’s not sure.
He spends a few hours staring into space on the couch and Phil mercifully doesn’t return so he’s left with his thoughts. It isn’t until hours later that he rises, pads carefully and determinedly down the corridor to Phil’s room and knocks softly.
“Uh huh?” Phil calls, letting Dan know he can go in.
“You’re right.” Dan says upon entering the room, standing awkwardly in the doorway.
He doesn’t want to shut the door behind him because it feels like he’s trapping them both in there, he hovers near the entrance, unsure and timid.
“Not that I’m not glad,” Phil grins, “But what am I right about?”
“I haven’t fallen in love with you.”
“Oh,” Phil says, grin dropping, “That’s… I mean, was that in question?”
“Yes.” Dan nods, “It was.”
“Well, then I’m.. glad you worked that out.”
There’s a beat of silence where Phil goes back to what he was doing- watching the tv- and Dan sways slightly on the spot, feet restless and shuffling.
“That’s not all.” Dan finally manages.
“It’s not?”
“No, Phil, God please, this is important.”
Phil lets out a long breath before moving over on the bed, signally for Dan to sit next to him. “I know it’s important. I just… why do you want to talk about it now?”
“Because… because everyone says I’m in love with you.” Dan exclaims sinking down on to the bed and pulling his knees to his chest.
“They do?”
“Yes.”
“Everyone?”
“Well…” Dan corrects, “Not everyone. But some people.”
“People say you’re in love with me?”
“Not in so many words,” Dan finds there is a tiny hole in the knee of his jeans. He can’t remember when or how it got there but it’s as good a thing as any to focus on while he does this so he pokes a finger into it, widening the gap between the fibers. “People assume things.”
Phil nods at him to continue.
“Like your birthday, and the fact that we’ll share a bed. Your family assume we’re together and we don’t correct them. Your parents… they’ve welcomed me in with open arms like I’m one of their own. And Cat… she pretty much said the whole reason me and her didn’t work out is that I’m in love with you.” He leaves out the bit about Phil, it’s not a wise decision to bring it up considering. “I’m not even going to mention goddamned Tumblr.”
“No,” Phil says slowly, hesitating between words. “Probably best not to.”
Dan pulls on a particularly stubborn thread of his jeans, it digs into his finger for a moment but then gives way, the hole growing bigger.
“So, because people have said things… it somehow caused you to question whether you actually have fallen in love with me? Because… you might not have noticed?”
“It sounds really stupid when you put it like that.” Dan agrees.
“Well it is a bit odd, Dan.” Phil says placing a hand over Dan’s on his knee, stilling his fingers. “But if you’ve decided that you haven’t fallen in love with me then everything is okay.”
“No, I haven’t fallen in love with you,” Dan summarises, “My feelings for you haven’t changed since the day I met you.”
“Well… that’s… I mean, I’m glad you’re not confused anymore.”
“I’m not.” And Dan smiles.
There is silence again and Phil looks around himself awkwardly. “Not really sure what you’re looking for me to say here, Dan.”
Dan takes a breath, holds it for a second and lets it out in one long stream, the words following after it.
“I haven’t fallen in love with you Phil. I think… no, I know… that I’ve been in love with you the whole time.”
“Oh.” Phil’s mouth goes still and small. Lips pursed in thought.
“But I think… and I really don’t want to spring this on you but trust me, I’ve given it a lot of thought… I think you’re in love with me too.”
Phil laughs. He throws his head back and lets the big sound escape him. His tongue points shyly from the corner of his mouth for a second before his hands come up to cover his face.
“Oh my god.” He’s high pitched and incredulous.
“I know,” Dan insists, “It’s strange. But I honestly have thought about it… I know, I know, I overthink everything. But I do that so you don’t have to, can’t you just trust me?”
“I should just… trust what you’re telling me. Just… go along with whatever you’re saying.” Phil says, still giggling.
“Yes.”
“Because you’re given it some serious thought… and have decided, after much much intense deliberation… that you are in love with me.”
“Yes.”
“That you always have been.”
“Yes.”
“And, this is the most important bit,” Phil says, face deadpan, “I am, in fact, in love with you too.”
“Yes!” Dan says, voice raising, irritation becoming apparent.
“Well I wish you hadn’t bothered giving it so much thought,” Phil says casually.
“What do you mean?” Dan asks, straightening his legs on the bed, the hole of his jeans bigger now so that a flash of pale skin shows beneath it.
“I mean that well… of course I’m in love with you.”
Dan feels his lips part, mouth dropping to accommodate all the words that he would say, if he could find them.
“Dan I’ve been in love with you since you were a pixelated Skype call, since the moment you stepped off a train and into my arms… Dan, I’ve been so in love with you for as long as I can remember. I don’t need people making assumptions or sharing opinions to tell me that. Frankly, I’m kind of surprised it’s taken you this long to work it out.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“I thought you knew!” Phil said, “I thought that it was just something we’d silently agreed not to acknowledge. Because you were… struggling with it or whatever. And I was never going to be the one to pressure you into something you didn’t really want. I thought I was… obvious. I didn’t give it much thought.”
“You didn’t give it much thought, Phil, are you kidding me? You just accepted you were in love with me and lived with it for 7 years?”
“Pretty much.”
“You’re an idiot.”
And Dan moves forward in a rush, gripping the front of Phil’s t-shirt in one fist and bringing their lips crashing together. There’s a moment of adjustment, Phil’s hand curling around Dan’s jaw and neck and Dan pulling, pulling on Phil until they are pressed from shoulder to hip. They topple over with force of it, Dan landing solidly down on Phil, but neither seem to mind.
And it lasts. God it lasts, for blessedly long minutes and Phil rolls them until he is hovering over Dan, kissing the last 7 years of emotion into Dan’s mouth with his own. Dan answers back, sliding his legs to part so that Phil can rest between them, hands wandering all the while. Tracing lines over shoulders, waists, backs, hips.
Phil licks a stripe along Dan’s bottom lip and he parts his mouth in response. Making a tiny sound in this throat as Phil’s tongue comes into contact with his own. But he doesn't know what to focus on most, Phil’s tongue in his mouth or Phil’s hand at the hem of his shirt, sliding heated digits below the fabric to caress his rib cage.
Instead he moves his own hands, running along the strip of skin above Phil’s belt where his shirt has ridden up at the back. Taking a risk and gripping the soft cotton tightly, he moves insistently upward until Phil gets the message and pulls away for a moment to lift it over his head.
Their eyes meet and Dan gives a small nod. It is all that is needed because after 7 years of waiting, and thinking and hesitating, Dan doesn’t want to stop this now. Not now everything is finally making sense, and he doesn’t need anyone else's opinion on this particular activity thank you very much.
So he rips off his own shirt, sending it flying off to the side where it lands on an unknown, unseen patch of carpet. And Phil is kissing him again, but now there is the added sensation of their bare chests pressed against each other and the heat of their bodies combining. Dan moans.
“Feels good,” he says between kisses.
“Yeah.” Phil answers. “Do you want…”
“Yes.” Dan breathes quickly, “Anything.”
Phil grins lasciviously, “Anything?”
“Pervert.” Dan admonishes, laughing.
And Phil swallows the laugh with a kiss. Moving to work at Dan’s belt and button and zip until he has Dan’s jean’s undone and is wriggling a hand in to them.
“Fuck,” Dan says, squeezing his eyes shut as Phil’s hand wraps around him.
“Not yet,” Phil pants, again, “Maybe next time. Takes too long.”
“Oh god, only you would make a joke--ahh” Dan it cut off mid sentence by a moan as Phil twists his wrist and runs a thumb over the top of Dan’s cock.
Meaning to get his own back a little, he too has Phil’s jeans open in a matter of moments, sliding his own hand into the heat of his boxers and tracing the firm length of him.
“That’s… more than I was expecting.” Dan admits.
Phil just smiles.
It’s bumpy at first, their wrists knocking at awkward angles until they are both released from the confines of their underwear and they set an easy rhythm, stroking and thrusting into each other in sync.
Dan falls apart first, bucking and writhing underneath Phil, spilling over his hand as the air is filled with the sound of Dan’s hoarse voice calling his name. His own hand tenses around Phil who cries out and follows only moments after, moving his hips to slip through Dan’s fist, tight and perfect.
They fall against each other. Jeans at half mast, spent cocks trapped between their bodies, the collection of their orgasms sticky and wet collected on their respective torsos. They are silent in the haze for a moment, breathing heavily, eyes closed.
“That was…” Dan manages.
“It was.” Phil answers.
“Hmmm.”
It might seem, to Phil, that Dan is monosyllabic and pretty zoned out. He’s silent and listless, arms wrapped loosely around Phil's shoulders, the heavy beat of his heart in Phil’s ear. But behind it, Phil could swear he hears the gears of Dan’s brain working.
“What is it?” he asks, “What are you thinking?”
“It’s just…” Dan says, tracing light fingers over Phil’s shoulder blade, making patterns Phil can’t work out, “Where does this leave us? Are we together now?”
Phil chuckles, lifting his head to gaze into Dan’s eyes. He kisses him softly, a brush of lips and against lips.
“I love you,” he says, because it's true, it always has been.
“I love you too,” Dan replies, and the same is true for him.
“You think too much.”
“I do,” Dan admits, “I really do.”