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Felix looked over at him as Jake sank back into his seat. “That was pretty cool of you.”
Jake wasn’t sure how to respond. He hadn’t done it to be cool – it had just seemed like something he had to do. Besides which, he still felt a little strange talking to Felix, after all this time. Even stranger after that morning – part of him still couldn’t really believe that Felix would actually be happier living in a world where no one remembered him. Eventually, he settled on, “Thanks,” and smiled. It had felt good.
“Kind of like the old you,” Felix added, and Jake’s smile slid off his face.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, and Felix looked away.
“Nothing,” he said, pointedly looking out the window. Jake knew he should probably follow Felix’s lead, let the subject drop. It was ancient history, and it shouldn’t have mattered any more.
But it did. “Don’t do this, Felix. I said I was sorry.”
“I know you did,” Felix replied blandly, still not looking at him. Jake’s good mood had totally evaporated, leaving only anger and confusion in its wake. For a moment, he was fourteen again, standing frozen on Felix’s porch, the noise of the door slamming still echoing in his ears. He settled back in his seat, frowning.
“You were the one that pushed me away,” he muttered, low and petulant.
And that made Felix turn to him. He looked as irritated and confused as Jake felt, which wasn’t really a reaction he expected. “No, I didn’t. Don’t try to pin this on me.”
“Yes, you did.” Jake’s frown deepened. He couldn’t understand what Felix could be trying to do by denying it. He hadn’t wanted Jake around anymore, and had let him know; it wasn’t exactly a scenario Jake was unfamiliar with, he’d understood.
“I never pushed you away, you left,” Felix said, tone heavy with anger and derision.
“I left because you wanted me to!” Jake snapped back. It was only in the ensuing silence that he realised he’d half-shouted and almost everyone in their immediate vicinity was looking at them. Andy, a few rows in front, had practically turned all the way around in his seat. Jake flushed.
“Guys? Everything okay?” Andy asked, tentatively.
Felix had returned to stubbornly staring out the window. Jake tried to swallow his irritation. “Yeah, Andy, everything’s fine,” he said, trying for calm. Andy looked at him for a few more seconds, concerned, then nodded and turned back to Ellen.
“I didn’t want you to,” Felix said quietly, still looking away.
“You slammed the door in my face, it seemed pretty obvious to me,” Jake replied, mostly succeeding in keeping his voice low and even.
Felix turned back to him, and he had a look on his face that Jake wasn’t sure how to describe. Incredulous fury, maybe. “Seriously? Seriously? And you never thought that maybe I just didn’t want to see you right then?”
Jake had thought a lot of things, back then. “I-“
“I had other things on my mind, if you remember,” Felix continued, viciously.
“No, I don’t,” Jake snapped back. “I don’t remember because you didn’t tell me. You didn’t want me around.
Felix sneered at him. “If you’d really cared, you’d have come after me.”
Jake gaped. “You wanted me to read your mind? I thought I was doing what you wanted!” he said, fighting to keep his voice low.
“You thought what I wanted was for you to throw away our friendship?” Felix asked harshly. Jake was about to respond that that was what Felix had done, but Felix wasn’t finished. “For you to ignore me, until you started pushing me around? For you to start calling me a freak?”
“Well, you were one,” Jake retorted, and Felix’s face shut down. He shut his mouth and turned sharply away, looking out the window again. Jake felt sick. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“Really,” Felix said flatly, still not looking at him.
“I didn’t!” Jake insisted. “You were just so… different. I didn’t know what to think.” It had been scary, seeing Felix change so completely almost overnight. It had felt like Jake had never known him at all. It had felt like his best friend had completely disappeared.
Felix was silent a long time, but Jake waited. Eventually, Felix said, “Things change.”
Jake sighed, and tried to force his anger and frustration away. It wasn’t getting them anywhere. “Look,” he said, “I know I was a bonehead back then, and I am sorry.” He paused, and then added, “I’d lost my best friend, and I was angry.”
This time, Felix was quiet for so long Jake almost gave up, but then he said, very softly, “Yeah. Me too.”
Jake felt some more of the anger leak out of him. He still remembered being a little kid, when seeing Felix sad was the second-worst thing in his whole world (his mum being sad was the worst, and he’s had more than enough of both). “Guess we both messed up, huh?” he asked, almost to himself.
Felix shifted, very slightly, so he was looking at Jake out of the corner of his eye. Jake pretended not to notice. “Yeah,” he said.