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For Tony, it’s never not about Howard. Almost everything he did, maybe even everything he does, comes back to his dad. The time Tony got his tongue pierced, even drunk as a skunk, all he could think of was Howard’s face when he found out. That rush of rebelliousness, because he knew Howard would be mad.
When Tony befriended Rhodes. Because Howard Stark would never admit it, but he was racist. Racism was bad for PR, but that didn’t stop him from being perfectly nasty to those with darker skin. So, maybe for Tony, his friendship with Rhodes started out as a giant middle finger to his dad. But it turned into so much more. Rhodes was probably the only person left in Tony’s life who he was certain would never leave.
His days as a playboy, the direct result of wanting to push away his sexuality. Howard couldn’t be disappointed in him for being gay if all he did was drown himself in women. Of course, he wasn’t gay. He wouldn’t realize that until later. To him, at the time, liking men meant he was gay. End of story.
The drinking, he did that to cope. Howard was abusive. He hit his son. It was a well known secret among socialites that no one talked about those who hit their kids. It was for their own good. And Tony believed that, but it still hurt. And he couldn’t feel the pain when he was drunk, and when he wasn’t, he was too hungover to care.
He produced weapons because it made Obie proud. Maybe Tony would have seen what was happening sooner, but Howard had well and truly fucked up Tony’s sense of self worth, so he did anything to make Obie happy. Anything to keep that pride focused on him. So he made weapons, and he hated himself, and he drank. But it was okay, because Obie was proud of him.
Tony hired Pepper because he wasn’t doing a good job of things himself. Like Howard always said, Tony just couldn’t do anything right. So he gave his company to the fierce redhead that he trusted with his life, with his livelihood. And if he fell in love, it’s because he really couldn’t separate friend love from romantic love. He was just too damaged. So desperate for any kind of love, he took it where he got it. And sometimes that meant things got twisted up.
Pushing away Captain Fucking America was easy. Here was this man, a man Howard had idolized. And if Howard, that bastard, loved him then he couldn’t be all that great. Because Howard’s track record when it came to friends was far from stellar. The good Captain made it clear that he had no taste for someone like Tony. Great, neither did Howard. One more thing the two men had in common.
Falling in love with Steve Rogers was easy. He was nothing like Captain America, but he was exactly like him in all the ways that mattered. Tony found himself falling in love with Howard’s best creation, and delighted in the fact that his father was probably rolling in his grave. Howard had made Tony hate the Captain, which made it easier to accept Steve. He was just a boy from Brooklyn, after all.
Falling out of love wasn’t easy. But Tony was disillusioned. Steve may have cared about Tony, but he cared about Bucky more. And in the end, despite the accords, despite Bucky’s involvement in Tony’s mother’s death, it all boiled down to Steve’s choice. To protect Bucky, or tell Tony the truth. And wasn’t that a kicker. Because Steve didn’t trust Tony enough, didn’t trust his fiancé enough, to believe that he would see it wasn’t Bucky’s fault. Tony knew Bucky wasn’t to blame. He wasn’t mad at Bucky, he was mad at Steve. But they were both there, and maybe Tony was mad. Not at Bucky as a person, but the idea of Bucky. He was just so perfect for Steve. Tony didn’t stand a chance. And that was something Howard had always told Tony. That Tony didn’t deserve love, wouldn’t ever be good enough. Because he knew it was inevitable, Tony was pulling punches. Keeping up appearances of anger and self-righteous indignation. But Tony wasn’t angry, he was tired. And Steve was going to kill him. And Tony, tired as he was, was going to let him.