Chapter Text
"Oh, no, Nate is gay. The gayest super soldier stud muffin of all time. So, so gay."
"Nah, I'm straight," Wade said with a sniff.
"Wade," Peter said slowly, "we're dating. You are gay."
"We're fucking," Wade corrected as he turned a page in the cook book. "You've got a great ass, I like sex, and you're Spider-Man. I mean, I would have to be crazy to turn down Spider-Man." He paused, "Hmmm. I am crazy, so suddenly this is a quandary. Huh." Wade stared thoughtfully into the air.
Peter loved Wade. Really, he DID ... but he could be the most infuriating human being on the planet and he constantly picked fights with Peter. Like right now, where he was just sitting there and taking pot shots at their relationship, as though it wasn't anything special.
"Wade, you are sleeping with a man. That is the definition of gay."
"Excuse you. Who are you to tell me what my orientation is? I like women. I like women 100% more than men. Because breasts are basically amazing. Women, however, apparently have standards, unlike some men in this room. Honestly, Spidey, have more self respect."
For more than a year, what you see above was all there was to Shovels. Just a random scrap of conversation that had nothing to do with shovel talks at all. D:
A year ago, I sat down to struggle with Archipelago and Shovels flowed out of me in a torrent instead. Despite being the beginning, this scrap never quite fit in properly. I attempted to fit it into the end of Chapter 5 (see below), but eventually deleted for the actual end of Chapter 5.
"So Cable plays for both sides?" Peter finally asked.
"Oh, no, Nate is gay. The gayest super soldier stud muffin of all time. So, so gay."
Peter couldn't reconcile that bizarre statement with the fact that Nathan had a wife. A wife he had been faithful to, no less. Not to mention all the other women that Peter knew he had slept with. He tabled that craziness as Wade craziness and powered on, " ... why haven't you two hooked up?"
"Because I'm straight," Wade said with a sniff.
"Wade," Peter said slowly, "we're dating. You are gay."
"We're fucking," Wade corrected as he turned a page of a cook book. "You've got a great ass, I like sex, and you're Spider-Man. I mean, I would have to be crazy to turn down Spider-Man." He paused, "Hmmm. I am crazy, so suddenly this is a quandary. Huh." Wade stared thoughtfully into the air.
Peter loved Wade. Really, he did ... but he could be the most infuriating human being on the planet and he constantly picked fights with Peter. Like right now, where he was just sitting there and taking pot shots at their relationship, as though it wasn't anything special.
"Wade, you are sleeping with a man. That is the definition of gay."
"Excuse you. Who are you to tell me what my orientation is? I like women. I like women 100% more than men. Because breasts are basically amazing. Women, however, apparently have standards, unlike some men in this room. Honestly, Spidey, have more self respect."
"I can not believe you," Peter huffed, "You slept with Bullseye!"
"That's because I have no standards," Wade sniffed, "Obviously."
"You slept with Taskmaster!!"
"Have you seen that man?" Wade fanned himself with a hand, "Unf. Also, Tasky is the best. Almost kinda but not really my best friend ... beside Weasel and Nathan of course."
"Have you slept with Cable?" Peter asked, burying his face in his hands.
"I'm been physically merged with Nate on the molecular level, jumped through a dozen dimensions to find his baby self to bring him home, his brain plays footsy with my brain, and I've seen him naked at a dozen really annoying times," Wade rolled his eyes, "Of course I haven't slept with him, Spidey. We're besties."
"I am going home right now before I punch you in the face."