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There's no reason why Jin Ling should be nervous as he and the disciples accompanying him make their way to Cloud Recesses. He's the Lanling Jin Clan leader, raised by two great clans. Nothing and nobody should intimidate him. So there's no accounting for why his heart pounds as he walks toward the gate in preparation for spending one month studying with the Lans at Cloud Recesses.
It was his idea, coming here. He's learned a lot in Carp Tower and Lotus Pier, but he's still young and he still has more to learn, even if he is a clan leader now. After working with Lan Sizhui and the other Lan juniors, he saw that they had knowledge and expertise that he doesn't, and while the Lans won't teach him everything they know, he feels it would be productive to spend some time studying with them.
It has nothing to do with Wei Wuxian being in Cloud Recesses, of course.
His racing heart is becoming irritating by the time he reaches the gate, so he's particularly glad to be distracted by the sight of Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi waiting there. "Clan Leader Jin," Sizhui says, bowing politely. Jingyi bows too, in a more perfunctory way.
Jin Ling bows back and then says, "You don't have to be so formal."
Sizhui's smile turns warm and helps him relax somewhat. "Jin Ling. Welcome to Cloud Recesses. We're happy to have you here."
"I hope you're ready to behave yourself." Jingyi sounds skeptical, but it's more teasing than harsh and Jin Ling tries not to let it bother him.
"I'll follow your rules while I'm here," he says.
The two junior disciples show him in, and Jin Ling looks around curiously. He's been here before, but not in a few years and never for long. One month isn't all that long, but it's strange to think that he'll be here long enough to get used to it, to get to know the place and more of the people.
"Jin Ling!" The enthusiastic call draws his attention, and he looks over to see Wei Wuxian smiling at him, a typically stone-faced Hanguang-Jun at his side. After bounding over to him, Wei Wuxian amends, "Sorry, I mean, Clan Leader Jin." He bows, and it feels a hundred times stranger than Sizhui greeting him that way.
"What are you acting all polite for?" he snaps. He doesn't mean to get angry, but he can't seem to resist with Wei Wuxian, even more than with most people. He wonders if this is how his uncle feels.
"All right, then, Jin Ling it is." Wei Wuxian slaps him on the shoulder like they're suddenly good friends. Jin Ling doesn't know what to do with that either.
"Welcome." Hanguang-Jun's voice is perfectly calm and even, but somehow Jin Ling feels like he's being threatened. Don't treat him badly, that cold expression says. I won't forgive you if you hurt him. Is that what Hanguang-Jun thinks he's here to do?
Wei Wuxian, seemingly oblivious, chirps, "Yes, welcome! We're excited to have you." In a stage whisper, he adds, "But let me warn you: these Lans are intense, and kind of boring. Come to me if you need some fun."
"I'm here to learn," Jin Ling says gruffly, to camouflage his conflicted feelings of being happy about the offer but unable to accept Wei Wuxian's invitation.
"I know, I know. But you can have fun and learn, even if the Lans don't think so." Wei Wuxian nudges Hanguang-Jun playfully, and the fond look that earns him makes Jin Ling want to be anywhere but here.
"Let me show you where you'll be staying," Sizhui comes to his rescue. "Please excuse us, Hanguang-Jun, Wei-qianbei."
Sizhui leads the way to the rooms set aside for them, and Jin Ling follows without looking back. His heart is still pounding, and much of it is nerves, but there's also some excitement. He may well regret coming here, especially if Wei Wuxian wants to play with him, but he's hopeful, at least, that he'll learn something, about cultivation and also about himself. That's all that he can ask.
* * *
Jin Ling doesn't go to Wei Wuxian to have fun. In fact, he avoids Wei Wuxian as much as humanly possible, which is easier than he thought it might be. He takes most of his meals with the Lan junior disciples, and studies and night hunts with them. Most of the studying is with Lan Qiren, though Hanguang-Jun and Wei Wuxian both make appearances. They're old enough that some of the night hunting is on their own, and when it's not, there are plenty of other people around to serve as a buffer. Wei Wuxian isn't even in Cloud Recesses the whole time, leaving on business for days at a time.
It's stupid and Jin Ling knows it, but it doesn't stop him from continuing to dodge Wei Wuxian, so at least he won't have to be alone with him. He's afraid of what Wei Wuxian might say to him if they're alone, or maybe of what he himself might say. There have been too many thoughts rolling around in his head since he found out who Wei Wuxian is, too many feelings he hasn't dared to acknowledge, let alone talk about. It would be too awkward to have to talk to Wei Wuxian about them before he's ready, or maybe ever.
He does manage to avoid Wei Wuxian, but that doesn't mean he's completely out of danger. Perhaps the only thing potentially more awkward than being alone with Wei Wuxian is when Hanguang-Jun finds Jin Ling sitting outside in the evening, not long before the Lans' strict bedtime. He bows and says, "Jin Rulan."
"Don't call me that," Jin Ling snaps reflexively, before he thinks who he's talking to. Still, it seems like a dig at him for Hanguang-Jun to not use his title, so perhaps his irritation is justified.
"It's your name." Hanguang-Jun's calmness only annoys him more.
"My name is Jin Ling," he retorts. Everyone knows that's what he prefers to go by, even someone like Hanguang-Jun who keeps his distance from most people.
"Do you not like Rulan?" That's the truth, but it's awkward to say so considering that some part of the reason has to do with his uncle's irritation toward the Lan Clan. Before he can answer, Hanguang-Jun continues, "Or do you not like the person who gave you that name?"
Jin Ling squirms uncomfortably. As far back as he can remember, no one used his courtesy name. Among the Jiang Clan, it was because his uncle would get mad any time it came up, knowing who it came from. The Jins went along with that to avoid angering the Jiang Clan leader, and because they were none too fond of Wei Wuxian themselves. For Jin Ling, there was never a question of liking the name, any more than there was a question of liking the man who gave it to him. "No one calls me that," he hedges.
"Your mother gave you that name." It's unfair for Hanguang-Jun to say things in a perfectly even voice and still make it feel like scolding. Who is he, anyway, to scold Jin Ling?
"I know who chose it," he mutters.
"And did you know that it was Jiang Wanyin's idea for him to do so?" Hanguang-Jun asks.
Jin Ling is startled, because that's something his uncle never told him. "Is that true?"
"Yes. Wei Ying told me recently."
He knows, of course, that his uncle and Wei Wuxian weren't always enemies, that once they were even like brothers to each other, but it's hard to wrap his mind around it—particularly given that Wei Wuxian had already left the Jiang Clan by the time his parents were married. His mother was too kind and forgiving, Jin Ling has always been told, but his uncle isn't like that. But Hanguang-Jun isn't someone who lies, and there's no reason Wei Wuxian would lie to him about this, is there?
When he doesn't respond, still trying to sort out whether he believes that, let alone how he feels about it, Hanguang-Jun says, "You must know that there are many things you have never been told about Wei Ying."
"Yes, but..." Jin Ling frowns deeply. There are also many things that he has been told, over and over, things that are not easily set aside.
Hanguang-Jun studies him intently, and Jin Ling tries very hard not to squirm again under the weight of his gaze. At last, he says, "I understand what you must have been told you should think of him, but you should form your opinion from what you've seen for yourself. Surely you've seen enough."
"I don't see everything," Jin Ling mutters. He's thinking of Jin Guangyao, how he thought his uncle was a decent man who loved him and wanted what was best for the Jin Clan, and it turned out that he was wrong about all of that, that he was a liar and a murderer and willing to sacrifice Jin Ling to get what he wanted.
There's barely any shift in Hanguang-Jun's expression, but there's a hint of sympathy in it that makes Jin Ling think he knows what's going through his mind. "Wei Ying is no pretender. Or rather, he doesn't hide the kind of person that he is. He doesn't pretend to care when he doesn't. You can trust what you've seen of him." He has only Hanguang-Jun's word for that, but Jin Ling does find it believable that Wei Ying is honest about who he is, aside from the understandable Mo Xuanyu charade.
Flashes of memory pop into Jin Ling's mind: Wei Wuxian helping him fight Jin Chan and the others in Carp Tower; Wei Wuxian in the Burial Mounds, putting himself at risk to save the rest of them; Wei Wuxian apologizing to him for his thoughtless words at Dafan Mountain, in a way few people ever apologized for insulting him; Wei Wuxian in Yi City, his eyes dark and angry as he explained what Xue Yang had done; Wei Wuxian in the Guanyin temple talking about what he owed the Jiang Clan, watching Jiang Cheng scream at him with regret in his eyes.
He's also seen Wei Wuxian being ridiculous and obnoxious, playing the fool and boasting and mocking, but what he hasn't seen is Wei Wuxian being the cruel, evil man Jin Ling always believed he was. If he didn't know any better, if he'd never heard anything about Wei Wuxian before, he would think him an irritating but generally good man—but he does know that that's not all there is to him and he can't let go of that. "He killed people!" he bursts out, frustrated at his inability to make sense of one single man. "You can't tell me that's not true."
"We all killed people," Hanguang-Jun says bluntly. "Those were different times—difficult times. If anything, others were eager to kill innocents when he refused."
"My parents would be alive if not for him." He understands the part Jin Guangyao played in that, as much as it hurts him to think of his beloved uncle being responsible for so much suffering, but the fact remains that his father and mother wouldn't have died if Wei Wuxian hadn't turned Wen Ning into a puppet, and if he hadn't fought the cultivation clans at Nightless City.
"Perhaps so, but he never wanted them to die. When they died, he..." It's rare for Hanguang-Jun to leave a sentence unfinished and Jin Ling doesn't know what to think of it, or of the dark look in his eyes. He knows Wei Wuxian died not long after his mother did, but there are so many rumors about how and why that he can't pretend to understand what happened then.
"He what?"
Hanguang-Jun shakes his head, and Jin Ling isn't brave enough to push him. After a long, uncomfortable moment of silence, he finally says, "Whatever you may think of Wei Ying, he saw your mother as a real sister to him, and he sees you as his nephew. He wants to protect you, and to help you however he can. He takes protecting people important to him very seriously."
If life were simpler, Jin Ling would be happy to hear that. His parents and grandparents and any Jin uncles he knew of are dead. He spent his childhood wishing for more relatives, brothers and sisters to play with or aunts and uncles to take care of him. But he never wanted the infamous Yiling Laozu to be anything to him—until he met him without knowing it and found himself drawn to him, found himself trusting him in spite of himself. Now, he doesn't know how to feel.
He remembers again being in the Guanyin temple with Wei Wuxian's arms around him as he cried about his parents. There were tears in Wei Wuxian's eyes then too, whether for Jin Ling or for his parents or for himself and what he lost back then. Whatever the reason, it's clear that he cares, but it's all so complicated. Hanguang-Jun is watching him steadily and Jin Ling envies him his straightforward feelings for Wei Wuxian, that seemingly unshakable love. He wants to feel that for someone, and he wants someone to love him like that, in a way that he can trust will always be there.
There's still no resolution to his own feelings, but there won't be any time soon and he doesn't want to dwell on that anymore. Without thinking about it too hard, he asks, "If he's my uncle, what does that make you?" He doesn't worship the ground Hanguang-Jun walks on like the Lan juniors do, but a part of him thinks it would be nice to have someone so steadfast and loyal on his side.
The slight shift of Hanguang-Jun's mouth can't really be called a smile, but Jin Ling thinks that might be what it is. He's never seen Hanguang-Jun smile before, let alone at him, and it's a very strange experience, but he finds he likes it. Hanguang-Jun doesn't reply, only inclines his head and says, "It's time for bed."
Despite his still jumbled feelings, as Hanguang-Jun walks away, Jin Ling feels strangely a little lighter. He's lost so much that any indication, however small, that people care about him means a lot. He huffs in irritation at his own weakness, but it doesn't stop him from going to bed with the barest hint of a smile, much like Hanguang-Jun's, on his face.
* * *
Halfway through his time at Cloud Recesses, Sizhui invites Jin Ling to the cold spring after a particularly rough morning of sparring. The invitation is perfectly casual, but there's something a bit suspicious about how Sizhui brushes off the other boys who ask to join them (claiming that it will be too crowded). They make casual small talk about the morning's exercise until they're in the water, which feels good on Jin Ling's sore muscles. (These Lans really know how to train.)
Only once they're settled does Sizhui ask, "How are you finding your time in Cloud Recesses so far?"
"It's...I'm learning a lot." That's the truth, but only a fraction of it. He's learning many useful things about cultivation, but he's also learning about a very different kind of discipline from the Jiang Clan's yelling and the Jin Clan's indulgence. He's learning that there are boys his age who are far more mature than him, because they haven't been spoiled and protected, and yet far more innocent, because their family trees are nothing like the disaster his is. And he's not learning anything about Wei Wuxian beyond what he discussed with Hanguang-Jun, which is partly his own fault for continuing to dodge him, afraid of what he might see if he looks more closely and what he might feel if he lets himself.
"I'm glad." Sizhui's smile is small and polite, but his gaze makes Jin Ling feel uncomfortably seen. "Is there anything else in particular you'd like to learn here?"
Jin Ling's first impulse is to be irritated at what is clearly a pointed question, but he restrains himself. Sizhui is always so kind and patient that around him, Jin Ling feels particularly conscious of his own faults, his impatience and his tendency to lash out. Besides, he's not really irritated with Sizhui but with Wei Wuxian, and with himself for being a coward. "You must know," he mutters, looking down.
"I hope you know you can ask me anything," Sizhui says, still so patient, but not volunteering anything.
"Wei Wuxian." Jin Ling bites out the words with difficulty. "It doesn't bother you at all, knowing who he is?"
"No, it doesn't," Sizhui says calmly. "Because I know who he is." At Jin Ling's confused look, he elaborates, "He cares so much about other people and expects nothing back. He does what he believes is right without worrying about his reputation. And he's so smart and knowledgeable and creative. Even if he is a little silly sometimes, I would be proud to learn to be more like him."
Sizhui smiles as he says all that, a sparkle in his eyes, and Jin Ling can't understand it. Or perhaps more accurately, he can understand admiring Wei Wuxian's skills and knowledge, as he did himself before he knew the truth about "Mo Xuanyu," but there's a gulf of difference between that and praising his morals, let alone talking about him with such fondness. Sizhui may not have been directly hurt by the actions of the Yiling Laozu like Jin Ling was, but he's a good person who should have higher standards. Hanguang-Jun is a lost cause, but Jin Ling expects more from Sizhui.
"But you know the things he did, back then," he protests. "He hurt so many people."
"He did, but things are different in war—and he also saved many people." Sizhui's gaze softens. "I understand why it's difficult for you to forgive him for what happened to your parents, but...do you know, I asked Wen Ning once about what happened at Qiongqi Way and he told me that Wei-qianbei was so excited to meet you. Then when your father died, he was heartbroken for your mother and for you and for himself losing the chance to know you."
"Why should I care what the Ghost General says?" It's easier to focus on that than to think about what happened to his father and what it meant for him, let alone to consider that it hurt Wei Wuxian too.
Sizhui frowns slightly. "He's not what you think he is either. Not at all. And he deeply regrets killing your father, even though it wasn't something he could control."
"He's a fierce corpse," Jin Ling says gruffly, "and a Wen. Why should I trust anything he says?" He remembers, though the memory is somewhat hazy under the panic he felt in that moment, Wen Ning fighting as hard as he could to keep Baxia from hurting him, but it's not enough to counter everything he's heard about the dreaded Ghost General, and the Wen Clan as a whole.
For what feels like forever, Sizhui just looks at him, his expression unreadable. Jin Ling can't figure out why; did he say something to offend Sizhui, who usually seems easygoing? Is he so attached to the Ghost General after whatever discussions they've shared that he can't tolerate any insult to him? Finally, as Jin Ling is starting to consider backtracking purely so Sizhui of all people won't hate him, Sizhui says quietly, "I can trust you, can't I?"
"Of course!" None of his peers—and precious few adults—have ever trusted Jin Ling with anything, so how could he say no? But beyond that, he trusts Sizhui, despite his dubious opinions of the Yiling Laozu and the Ghost General, and he wants to be worthy of Sizhui's trust in return.
"Then I'll tell you something, but you can't repeat it, not to anyone, no matter how angry you are."
Jin Ling resists the urge to snap in response, which would just prove his point. It's a valid concern, if he's honest, that he might say something in anger without meaning to. But he's a Clan Leader now, and he's growing up. He can control himself, especially when it comes to any secrets Sizhui might be willing to share with him. "I promise."
Sizhui nods. "I hope that this won't change your opinion of me, because I'm the same person I've always been."
Now Jin Ling is confused; he thought this was about Wen Ning or Wei Wuxian, not Sizhui himself. "You didn't have anything to do with my parents' deaths, did you?" It's an awkward attempt at a joke and neither of them so much as smiles.
"No, but I did have something to do with Wei-qianbei's actions back then, in a way." Jin Ling is utterly lost, especially seeing that Sizhui looks strangely nervous. He waits until Sizhui continues, "I don't know what stories you've heard, but what happened is that he went looking for Wen Ning at his sister Wen Qing's request, and he fled to Yiling with the two of them and some other relatives, hoping they'd be safe in the Burial Mounds."
What Jin Ling heard was that Wei Wuxian awakened the Ghost General and had him kill a number of the men guarding Wen prisoners, then fled to the Burial Mounds before they could be caught and punished, abandoning the Jiang Clan in the process. He can see how Sizhui's story fits in with that, but it's hard to know what to believe about the details. "How can you be sure that that's what really happened?"
"I believe what Wen Ning and Wei-qianbei have told me about that time, and about the home they built in the Burial Mounds. And...not the escape, but bits of what happened later...I remember it."
Sizhui meets his eyes, still nervous but determined, and Jin Ling tries to understand what he's saying. "You remember... You were there?"
"Yes," Sizhui says simply. "I was born a Wen. And I was one of the Wens that Wei-qianbei rescued back then."
It's asking for too much for Jin Ling to even begin to understand how he feels about his friend being one of the old enemies. "But how...?"
"Hanguang-Jun took me in after Wei-qianbei and the others died. He kept the truth secret even from me, so I would be safe. I only remembered some things very recently after talking to Uncle Wen and Wei-qianbei."
"Uncle Wen..." Jin Ling can hardly judge someone for having problematic uncles but it's so difficult to make sense of the Ghost General being anyone's relative, let alone someone like Sizhui.
"Yes." Sizhui flashes him a small, hesitant smile. "So you see, I understand why you hate those two, but to me, they're...family. Protectors. And they've both done things they regret, but they're also the reason I'm alive. Wei-qianbei especially, if he hadn't been willing to stand up for us when no one else would, I wouldn't be here. I don't expect you to find it a fair trade, me for your parents. I only want you to understand that he didn't turn against the other clans for his own amusement, or to hurt anyone. He did it to help his friends, and people like me."
Jin Ling suddenly feels intensely frustrated at how complicated everything is. He likes Sizhui, even if he's annoyingly self-righteous sometimes in the way Lans seem to be. He doesn't think Sizhui deserves to be dead. But if the Wens didn't deserve everything they got and the Yiling Laozu and the Ghost General aren't evil but the last two Jin Clan leaders were, if Wei Wuxian was a selfless protector instead of a selfish traitor, how is he supposed to make sense of the world?
"Why can't anything be simple?" he grumbles.
Sizhui's smile widens, though it's sympathetic. "I suppose in a better world, it would be. But this is the world we live in, and we're all only doing our best to get through it. We can only decide for ourselves what we think is right." Jin Ling sighs heavily, and some fond mocking sneaks into Sizhui's smile. "Talk to him, all right? I think you'll both be the happier for it."
"Fine." Jin Ling needs time to sort through his feelings about everything Sizhui told him, but there's one thing he can say now, though not easily. "I...I'm glad you're here."
"Thank you." Sizhui looks so happy, like it really matters to him what Jin Ling thinks. "I imagine you have some questions about me after what I told you. Feel free to ask, if you'd like."
Jin Ling does have a lot of questions, and it's at least a little easier to focus on Sizhui's background than to think about the broader implications. He sets the rest of it aside for now, and thinks about what he wants to ask.
* * *
One month seemed like a long enough time to spend at Cloud Recesses, but before Jin Ling knows it, the final day is approaching quickly. He's learned a lot and had some good experiences, but his denial isn't strong enough to pretend he doesn't know why he really came here, and that he won't be disappointed if he doesn't manage to talk to Wei Wuxian. He may well be disappointed even if they do talk, but at least he'll know he tried instead of continuing to be the coward he has been for the past three and a half weeks until the end.
He thinks about Sizhui enthusiastically praising Wei Wuxian, and about Hanguang-Jun telling him to trust what he's seen of Wei Wuxian over all the gossip. He wants to believe that what he's seen is the truth, and to see more of those positives Sizhui described, but maybe he is a coward when it comes to this. After everything that's come out about his family, he can't bear another disappointment. Can the Yiling Laozu of all people really be someone he can look up to, someone he can trust not to let him down?
There's a banquet on the last night before Jin Ling leaves, though a Lan banquet is nothing like the lavish ones the Jins throw. Wei Wuxian is there, sitting next to Hanguang-Jun, and he smiles brightly at Jin Ling but doesn't approach him until the end of the meal. He bows politely but asks casually, "Are you busy?"
"No." Jin Ling tries and probably fails to hide his wariness. This is what he wanted, and it's his last chance, but he still doesn't feel ready; he doubts he ever will. He lets Wei Wuxian lead him outside and away from the banquet hall, following a step or two behind until he stops in a quiet courtyard.
Wei Wuxian turns and studies him for a long moment. "I heard you talked to Lan Zhan," he says eventually. "And Sizhui. But it seems like you've been avoiding me." Jin Ling shrugs awkwardly, and Wei Wuxian smiles. "You wouldn't be the first person to avoid me like the plague. And you can go back to avoiding me after this if that's what you really want, but I thought we should talk before you go."
Jin Ling is bursting with questions, but all that comes out is, "All right."
There's another silence, which seems strange with how much Wei Wuxian likes to talk. Finally, he asks, "Why did you come to Cloud Recesses?"
"I—" Jin Ling starts, but Wei Wuxian interrupts him.
"Why did you really come to Cloud Recesses?" Jin Ling glares because he doesn't want to lie, but he can't say the truth out loud either. Wei Wuxian rolls his eyes, but fondly, Jin Ling thinks. "I suppose Jiang Cheng has told you a lot of awful things about me over the years."
"Not a lot." His uncle was always very clear on his hatred of demonic cultivation and all who practice it, but when it came to the details of what exactly was so awful about Wei Wuxian, he preferred to change the subject. Surprise flickers over Wei Wuxian's face at his denial, and what Jin Ling thinks might be relief, or even gratitude. "Other people did, though."
"Of course they did." Wei Wuxian sighs. "If your mother had lived, she would've told you good things to balance it out." He grimaces, clearly regretting the words as soon as they're out of his mouth, but Jin Ling bristles anyway.
"And whose fault is it that she didn't?" His words are harsh and maybe unfair, but why does he have to be fair when it comes to his parents' deaths?
For a moment, Wei Wuxian's expression is still that awkward grimace, but then it slowly shifts, revealing subtle but deep sadness and guilt. It seems that Wei Wuxian is deliberately choosing to reveal those emotions to him, and Jin Ling doesn't know how to feel about that. In his head, he hears Hanguang-Jun saying, When they died, he... and remembers the dark look in his eyes. He's been so busy blaming Wei Wuxian for his parents' death, for the pain it caused him and his uncle, that he hasn't stopped to think about the pain it caused Wei Wuxian himself.
"For what little it's worth," Wei Wuxian says after a long silence, "I'm sorry." He grimaces again, clearly uncomfortable with revealing so much of himself. "Your mother, she...she was the best person I've ever known, and she deserved so much better than what she got. And so did you."
Frustration flares up in Jin Ling again, because they can talk and talk and talk about this, but it won't change anything. His parents will still be dead, his uncle will still be angry at the world, and Wei Wuxian will still be a near stranger to him. What difference does it make if he wants Wei Wuxian to be more than that—assuming he even does? "It's not fair," he grumbles. "It's all such a mess."
"That's life, I'm afraid, though you have gotten more than your fair share of it." Wei Wuxian smiles wryly and perhaps a little bitterly.
"How did you decide?" Jin Ling asks.
Wei Wuxian eyes him warily. "Decide what?"
"All of it. The demonic cultivation. Siding with the Wens, and leaving the Jiang Clan." He has so many questions he doesn't know where to begin, and he's not so sure he wants to hear all of the answers.
Wei Wuxian laughs. "Oh, is that all?" Jin Ling fights to restrain his anger, annoyed at being laughed at. Before he can find an appropriate retort, Wei Wuxian's smile softens. "Sizhui said he told you about his background?" At Jin Ling's nod, he continues, "Wen Ruohan was an awful man, and Wen Chao...he was a smarmy asshole. But there were Wens who were innocent. I doubt Jiang Cheng ever told you, but Wen Ning and his sister saved our lives after Lotus Pier was attacked, and Sizhui was just a little kid who never did anything wrong."
Jin Ling is old enough and has been through enough to know that the world isn't black and white, but that doesn't mean it's easy to hear this. "But why did you need to save them? Didn't the Jiang Clan need you too?" He knows, at least to some degree, how hard it was for his uncle to be left alone as the young leader of a clan that had been nearly destroyed.
Wei Wuxian flinches ever so slightly. "Believe me, I would have been very happy if I didn't need to save them. But someone had to, and I owed Wen Qing and Wen Ning. And..." There's so much more in Wei Wuxian's expression than Jin Ling can begin to understand. There's so much to Wei Wuxian, really, and for every thing he learns, it seems like ten more questions arise. "Maybe if I'd known the consequences, I would have chosen differently. I honestly can't say. But I made a choice, and I can't take it back."
And Sizhui is alive, and Wen Ning is...whatever he is because of that choice. Jin Ling still doesn't know how to feel about Wen Ning, but he can't wish Sizhui dead. Perhaps he can understand, as painful as it is, why Wei Wuxian can't simply say that he'd take it all back if he could.
"Jin Ling, I..." Wei Wuxian hesitates briefly before charging forward. "I don't expect Jiang Cheng to ever forgive me for leaving him, let alone for the rest of it. It's too late for him. You don't have to forgive me either, but...we shouldn't be strangers to each other. That is...is that really what you want?" He looks so vulnerable for a moment, as though this really matters to him—as though Jin Ling really matters to him.
"I don't know what I want." It's a lie, and Jin Ling wants to take it back the second he sees hurt flash across Wei Wuxian's expression. Instead, he asks, "What do you want?"
Jin Ling expected this conversation to be hard for him, but it's the strangest thing to realize that it's hard for Wei Wuxian too, not just to remember difficult things from his past, but also, it seems, to ask for what he wants from Jin Ling. Awkward silence stretches out for a few seconds as he visibly fights with himself, but then he laughs. "You know, Hanguang-Jun gave me a lecture about talking to you. He said I 'have a history of not being open about your feelings, to the detriment of your relationships.' As if he has any room to talk."
There's nothing Jin Ling can think of to say to that, so he waits until Wei Wuxian continues, "He's probably right, though, so I'll just say it: I always knew that when my shijie had children, I'd want to be a good uncle to them, to protect them and play with them and teach them about the world. It didn't matter if we weren't blood related—although I guess we technically are now. I was ready to love her children like I loved her. And I know I've missed so much and so much has changed, but I still..."
Jin Ling is struck by a fierce sense of longing, not for Wei Wuxian specifically but for what could have been: a world where his parents were still alive and his mother would take him to Lotus Pier for his two uncles to play with him, where his father led the Jin Clan instead of Jin Guangyao and there was so much less pain for him and his family and the so many others affected by the shockwaves of their struggles. He feels the loss keenly, though it's a world that never was, with Wei Wuxian gone from the Jiang Clan before he was even born.
Wei Wuxian is watching him, seemingly casual but with a hint of tension in his shoulders, and Jin Ling feels happy and uncomfortable and shy and sad and nervous and somehow guilty all at the same time. "I'm sorry," he says gruffly. He never apologizes, but it was Wei Wuxian, after all, who told him that he'd live to regret it if he didn't learn how.
"For what?" Wei Wuxian asks, surprised.
"For wasting this time." This was a month they could have spent getting to know each other, and what has he done with it?
Unexpectedly, Wei Wuxian laughs. "We can find more time, if you want it. I could find a reason to be in Lanling, and assuming, of course, that the Jin Clan Leader would deign to let me visit..."
Jin Ling rolls his eyes. "I suppose."
Wei Wuxian grins and slaps him on the back. "That's very gracious of you, Clan Leader Jin."
"You're so annoying," Jin Ling grumbles, and surprises himself with the fondness in it. Quickly, so that Wei Wuxian can't comment on it, he adds, "You should come to Yunmeng some time too."
Wei Wuxian frowns. "I don't know if that's a good idea..."
Maybe it's Jin Ling childishly indulging that fantasy of being with his uncles in Lotus Pier, but he wants it, and he also wants, perhaps selfishly, to believe that it's not too late for those two stupid uncles who clearly still care about each other to make amends after all. "Someday," he says, and at least Wei Wuxian doesn't argue.
It's getting late by Lan standards, and Jin Ling has an early start to head back to Lanling tomorrow morning. (He also, if he's honest, needs time to process all of this, but it's a convenient excuse.) "I guess I should go finish packing..."
"Yes, yes, go." Wei Wuxian cheerfully waves him off. "I'll see you off in the morning, and come bother you in Carp Tower soon enough."
Jin Ling forgets himself and smiles widely, without any artifice. Wei Wuxian ruins the moment by looking annoyingly smug about it, but Jin Ling thinks he's happy too. It feels good enough that he indulges them both by saying, "Goodnight, jiujiu."
Wei Wuxian looks utterly shocked for a second, and then he smiles so brightly it's embarrassing, but good too. "Goodnight, Jin Ling," he says warmly. It's only a start, with no telling what kind of relationship they'll manage to form, but as he heads off to bed, Jin Ling can't help smiling too.
* * *
The next morning, there's a crowd to see Jin Ling and the other Jin disciples off. Lan Qiren is as stern as ever as Jin Ling thanks him for his teaching. "I hope you will use what you learned here to be the kind of leader the Jin Clan deserves." It's clearly a dig at the last two Jin Clan leaders, but a fair one, to be honest.
Sizhui is all smiles and Jingyi manages a wry sort of smile too. "It wasn't as bad as I thought, having you around," he says.
Sizhui elbows him and then tells Jin Ling, "Take care. We'll see you again soon, I'm sure." His smile is warm and Jin Ling is glad to have a friend—his first time having the kind of friend he can share secrets with. He smiles back, ignoring Jingyi's raised eyebrows at the uncharacteristic expression.
Finally, still somewhat nervous despite last night's conversation, Jin Ling makes his way over to Hanguang-Jun and Wei Wuxian. Hanguang-Jun nods to him, and while his expression is as solemn as ever, Jin Ling thinks he can make out some degree of approval, perhaps of him starting to mend his relationship with Wei Wuxian or perhaps just of him in general. It might be wishful thinking, but he'd like to think that he's right.
Wei Wuxian, for his part, grabs Jin Ling's shoulder and grins at him. "These Lans aren't so bad, right?"
"No." Impulsively, Jin Ling adds, "Neither are you."
That prompts a loud laugh from Wei Wuxian (and a glare from Lan Qiren). "You're very kind, Clan Leader Jin."
"Stop that." It comes out an embarrassingly childish whine, which only amuses Wei Wuxian more.
At least he listens, though, adding a more normal, "I expect I'll find a very good reason to be in Lanling in a month or two."
Jin Ling nods. It's not much, but hope flares in his chest all the same. They have time to figure things out, but this means that they'll have a chance. With so many people around, he's more self-conscious than last night, but he wants to make a point, so he braces himself, and says, "See you soon, jiujiu.
Wei Wuxian beams, though he curls into Hanguang-Jun's shoulder a little like he's embarrassed too. When he recovers, he says firmly, "Travel safe, Jin Ling. I'll see you soon."