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Josh and Dan are laughing at Max’s shit comeback as they pass between two vans full of their gear and step into the road. Josh checks for traffic as an afterthought, his eyes widening as he sees the car heading straight for Dan. The driver hits the brakes, but it’s too late, he won’t stop in time.
Josh doesn’t even realise he’s moved until the car hits him. Apparently, he pulled Dan out of harm’s way, but didn’t have enough time to move himself. He rolls across the bonnet, slams into the windshield, then finally hits the ground with a dull thud, slipping out of consciousness as his head bounces off the tarmac.
When he comes round a few minutes later, he’s flat on his back on the ground, his bandmates hovering over him worriedly. He tries to sit up, but a hand on his chest stops him.
“Don’t, Jay, just… You’re hurt, really bad. Just… Lie still just now, the ambulance is coming,” Max tells him shakily, and Josh groans softly as the pain finally hits him.
“Is Dan alright?” He rasps, his eyes slightly unfocused as they swivel around looking for him.
“I’m here, mate, I’m fine. I fell when you shoved me, so my arm’s a bit scraped up, but other than that, I’m fine,” he reassures him gently, and Josh smiles, letting himself slip out of consciousness again. As long as Dan’s okay.
When Josh comes to again, he’s lying on something soft, and the pain has dulled significantly. He can hear his bandmates voices all around him, murmuring softly. He slowly forces his heavy eyelids open and lets his head loll to the side. As soon as he moves, Chris notices the movement and turns to look at him.
“Hey, mate, how you feeling?” He asks softly, and Josh tries to shrug
noncommittally, but a sharp whine of pain forces its way out as soon as he moves his shoulder. “Yeah, you broke your collarbone, and a couple of ribs, and your ankle, and there’s a few fucked up tendons and a concussion,” Chris informs him, and Josh nods carefully.
“Is that why it feels like someone cracked open my skull with an axe and filled it with cotton wool?” He slurs softly, and Chris nods.
“Yeah, though the cotton wool thing might be from the painkillers,” he adds, and Josh nods again, letting his head fall back onto the pillow and getting comfy.
“You sure you’re alright?” He mumbles, squinting at Dan, who nods with a small smile.
“Yeah, just scraped up my arm, like I said. It should be me lying there,” he mumbles, his smile dropping, and Josh shrugs with his uninjured shoulder.
“Well, I’m glad it’s not. I’d do anything for the four of you, I’m glad I was quick enough to do this,” he insists, frowning when Chris snorts then laughs long and loud.
When he finally calms down, he grins apologetically at Josh.
“Sorry, I just got the image in my head of you and Max in the middle of the road, wrestling with each other over who gets to sacrifice himself for the other,” he explains, and Josh laughs, ignoring how much pain it causes him.
Once they’re sure he’s out of danger, they take turns sitting with him, so he’s never alone, even when he’s asleep. It’s during one of these times, Dan watching over him as he sleeps, when Josh wakes from a vivid, confusing dream. He makes a small noise, and Dan’s instantly beside him, sitting on the edge of the bed as he strokes Josh’s hair back.
“Hey, it’s alright, you’re okay,” he soothes, running his fingers through Josh’s hair as Josh nods slightly.
“Yeah, just… Weird dream,” he murmurs. His head is fuzzy, sleep muddled and still concussed, and loaded up on strong painkillers, and that’s why the next words slip out. “I love you,” it’s barely a whisper, but in the nearly silent ward, sitting so close, Dan hears it clear as a bell.
“I love you too, ya daft bastard,” he responds affectionately, but Josh shakes his head.
“No, not like that. I’m in love with you, have been for a long time,” he slurs as he slips back to sleep. Dan smiles at him affectionately as he slides off the bed and settles back on his chair. Josh has been saying some weird stuff the last few days, but this is definitely the weirdest.
Josh forgets all about his late night confession until a fortnight later. They’d cancelled the rest of the tour, so as soon as Josh was released from the hospital, they’d taken him home. He’s staying with Matt while he recovers, and the two of them are watching TV when the memory suddenly comes back to him. He sits up quickly in a panic, falling back again with a pained yelp as the movement jars his still healing ribs. Matt starts to get up to help him, but Josh waves him back into his seat.
“What the hell was that?” Matt asks worriedly, and Josh whines pitifully.
“I told Dan that I’m in love with him. I’d forgotten until now,” he groans, and Matt laughs loudly.
“I knew it! I fucking knew it! That little fucker owes me so much money!” He crows, earning a poisonous glare from Josh.
“Do you fucking mind? I’m having a crisis here!” He snaps, and Matt
quickly sobers.
“Sorry, mate, we’ve had a bet going for a while, nice to know I won, is all,” he informs him, and Josh huffs. “Has he said anything, since you told him?” He asks, and Josh shakes his head. “Well, then he probably just thought it was the meds talking,” he reassures him, and Josh shrugs.
“Yeah, the problem is, I don’t know if I want him to think that or not,” he tells him with a sigh, and Matt nods.
“Alright, the four of us are grabbing a beer tonight anyway,” he pauses at the hurt look on Josh’s face and gives him a reassuring smile, “making super top secret plans for your birthday,” he adds, and Josh grins. “I’ll see if I can bring it up, see what he says,” he offers, and Josh nods appreciatively.
They’ve been talking for a few hours before Matt gets the chance to
casually bring it up. Max asks how Josh is doing, and Matt sees his opening.
“Yeah, he’s a lot better. Still can’t move around much on his own, but at least he’s stopped talking total gibberish,” he replies, hoping they’ll latch onto it, and they do.
“Shit, yeah, he was coming out with some right belters, wasn’t he?” Max laughs.
“Fuck, at one point, he announced he was in love with me,” Dan tells them, and Max and Chris laugh.
“You sure that was the concussion talking?” Matt asks, and Max swats at him.
“You just want to win the bet, you arse,” he accuses him, but Matt shrugs.
“No, I’ve just… Noticed some things,” he comments evasively, watching Dan carefully, but Dan’s not giving anything away, only raises an eyebrow and waits patiently.
“Noticed what?” Chris asks curiously, and Matt shrugs.
“Just some stuff he’s said, the way he looks at Dan sometimes, nothing big,” he tells him, still watching Dan, noticing a strange expression appear on his face.
Thankfully, Chris takes this as his cue to finally voice his own observations.
“Yeah, I’ve noticed that myself. He always seems more relaxed when Dan’s around. Like… Like he doesn’t have to try so hard, or something, I dunno. He just seems as if everything’s easier for him when he’s around Dan,” he adds, and Matt grins.
“Thank fuck, I thought I was going crazy,” he laughs, and Max makes a thoughtful face.
“He talks about Dan a lot when he’s not around, too, have you noticed? Whenever it’s just the two of us, that’s all I get out of him, ‘Dan said this, Dan did that’. Funny, the things you notice without actually noticing,” he muses, and Matt smiles a secret little smile to himself as he and Chris nod in agreement, especially when he notices the pensive look on Dan’s face.
A few days later, Dan goes over to Matt’s. When Matt answers the door, Dan gives him a tense smile.
“Hey, mind if I kick you out of your own house for a little while? I need to talk to Josh,” he asks quietly, and Matt nods, shoving his shoes on and grabbing his jacket.
“What’s that?” He asks, motioning to the Tupperware box under Dan’s arm as he slides around him to leave.
“We all know you can’t cook, and you said Josh can’t stand up for very long yet, so I made you guys lasagna,” Dan grins, shooing Matt out with his free hand as he moves further into the hall.
Once Matt’s gone, Dan puts the lasagna in the fridge and goes looking for Josh. It doesn’t take long, he’s on the same couch he’s spent the majority of his time on since he got home.
“Matt? Who was at the door?” Josh asks, before looking over his shoulder and seeing Dan. “Oh, hey, thought you were Matt,” he smiles, waving towards one of the armchairs in silent invitation. Once Dan’s settled in the chair, and Josh has wriggled into a more upright position, Dan sighs.
“So, I don’t know if you remember, but a couple of nights before you got out of the hospital, you said something to me-”
“I remember,” Josh cuts him off quietly, seeing the serious look on Dan’s face and expecting the worst.
“Okay, uh, my question is; did you mean it, or did you say it because you were doped up on painkillers and half asleep?” Dan asks slowly, and Josh lets out a breath. He hadn’t been expecting to have to answer that.
“Uh, I… really meant it,” he mumbles after a minute, and Dan nods.
“Okay. Just out of curiosity, how long is ‘a long time’?” He asks, and Josh sighs, closing his eyes so he won’t have to look at Dan.
“Uh, since I was about seventeen or eighteen, I think,” he admits reluctantly, and Dan’s eyebrows shoot up.
“That long? Damn.” He pauses, thinking about what he wants to say carefully before he says it. “I hate having to say this, but I don’t-” He stops when Josh raises his hand with a sad smile.
“It’s alright, I know. Don’t worry about it. I’ll… I’ll get over it, get over you, eventually, just… Be patient with me, yeah?” He reassures him, keeping his composure better than he’d thought he would.
Dan leaves soon after, and Josh lets himself cry. When Matt comes back a little while later, he comforts Josh the only way he knows how; they eat far too much of Dan’s lasagna and Matt lets him win a few games of Fifa. Oddly enough, it does make Josh feel a bit better, and after the third game Matt lets him win, Josh nudges him slightly with his shoulder.
“Hey, thanks, for all this,” he mumbles, and Matt smiles slightly.
“Don’t worry about it. And hey, you’ll find the right person soon enough,” he reassures, and Josh snorts, but doesn’t reply, just starts another game.
Once Josh is better, they start planning a tour to replace the canceled one. As they sit around Dan’s kitchen table, drinking tea and eating slices of the cake Dan made that morning, Chris notices Josh massaging his shoulder with a grimace.
“You alright?” He asks quietly, making the other three turn to Josh with worried looks.
“Yeah, just aches a bit sometimes. I’ve got an appointment with a physio on Thursday morning, it’s fine,” he reassures them, dropping his hand from his shoulder and reaching out with his healing left arm to grab his mug, ignoring the way it trembles as he lifts the mug to his mouth.
Almost a year later, they head out on tour, and Josh’s shoulder is still bothering him. He’s done every exercise the physiotherapist gave him, as well as a few more he found online, but still, it aches fiercely almost every single day. He puts on a brave face and tries to ignore it, but it’s constant, niggling, and it’s beginning to wear him down. After several doctor’s visits, discussions with the physiotherapist, and an x-ray of his shoulder, they decide that it’s psychosomatic. His emotional pain as he tries to get over Dan is making his brain think his shoulder hurts when it doesn’t. Or it’s making his shoulder hurt when it shouldn’t. Josh isn’t sure, he feels like he always leaves doctor’s appointments with no idea of half of what’s been said.
As the first few weeks of tour pass, Josh starts to notice something strange. Every now and again, his shoulder will stop hurting. Sometimes only for a few minutes, but other times, it’s hours, sometimes a whole day. During one of these times of relief, he’s thinking about it, contemplating what might be responsible for it. After a while, he realises. It’s Tom.
“What?” Tom asks, turning from his conversation with Max to look at Josh. “You said my name, what d’you need?” He elaborates when Josh frowns in confusion.
“Oh, I was thinking about something. Must have said it outloud without meaning to,” Josh mumbles, sinking back into his thoughts as Tom, along with half the room, give him amused looks and return to their conversations. He’s not sure if he's right, but he’s determined to find out.
Over the next week, Josh tests his theory, much to the bemusement of his tourmates. The test that both amuses and puzzles them the most is when he walks into their dressing room, sees Tom sitting there with Max, and immediately backs out of the room, only to walk back in a few seconds later, and back out again. He does it three more times, before nodding to himself and coming all the way into the room, sitting down beside Max and starting up a conversation, as if he hadn’t just been doing something strange.
He decides he’ll know for certain with one final test. Since the pain began, he’s never gone more than two days without it flaring up, so when they have three days in a row with no shows and no press, he glues himself to Tom’s side. Thankfully Tom enjoys Josh’s company and doesn’t mind his new shadow, so it’s an easy test to carry out. He pays close attention to his left shoulder the entire time, and as he settles down to sleep at the end of the third day, he’s certain now. The only times it’s hurt in the past three days were when either he or Tom were in the bathroom, or once Josh got into his bunk for the night. There’s no doubt in his mind, Tom is the solution to his chronic pain. He just doesn’t know why.
He figures it out a few days later. Dan suggests they get lunch together when Josh has already made plans with Tom, and Josh doesn’t hesitate to choose Tom. It’s not until several minutes after he’s turned him down that Josh realises it’s maybe the first time ever he hasn’t dropped everything for Dan. He wonders what’s changed, and after pondering for a while, it comes to him. That aching hole in his chest from knowing Dan doesn’t return his feelings and never will, is gone. Or not gone, but filled now with a soft warmth. He can’t figure out where it’s come from, until he meets up with Tom an hour later, and Tom’s arm around his shoulders makes that warmth swell until his chest feels puffed out with it.
It takes a while for it to sink in, what this feeling means, so he gets through lunch and the time they spend nosing around a few vintage shops easily enough, but once he’s back on the bus and he has time to process it, he has a crisis. This can’t be happening to him again. He can’t be falling for someone else he has almost no chance of having. It’s not fair. He spends a few hours moping, then decides to do himself a favour. He spent 10 years giving himself false hope and letting his feelings grow, and he’s not going to hurt himself like that again.
By the time he hypes himself up enough to tell Tom, it’s time to go onstage, so he resigns himself to having to wait just a little while. He channels his nervous energy into putting on what’s undoubtedly his best performance for a while. His bandmates are planning on asking what’s changed, but in the end, they don’t have to. As soon as they get offstage, he zeroes in on Tom and goes straight to him. They’re totally surrounded by people, but it’s loud enough here that he doesn’t care.
“So, I’m like, at least half in love with you, and I need to know whether to ask you out or work on getting over you.” He announces without preamble, and Tom stares at him in surprise for a second before beaming at him.
“It’s about fucking time,” he laughs, grabbing Josh’s sweat-soaked t-shirt and dragging him in to kiss him, not even caring that most of their friends and his own brother are less than ten feet away from them. A cheer goes up around them as their friends spot them, but neither of them even notices.
Josh’s ecstatic mood seems to have seeped into the others as they all end up in the dressing room, they’re all practically bouncing as they happily chatter about finding a party or a club or just doing something fun. The noise level drops a little as they drift into clusters of different conversations, so they all hear it, and freeze, when Josh stretches his arms out as he cools down and a loud, deep thunk comes from his left shoulder. They stare at him in horror as he stands completely still, waiting for the pain that has to be coming. A minute or two pass in frozen silence, until Josh realises something feels different, and a grin slowly spits his face.
“It doesn’t hurt anymore. All this time, even the few times it didn’t hurt, there was this constant pressure in the joint, like I was just waiting for it to start hurting again. And it’s finally fucking gone.” His voice is soft, still stunned that the pain is really fully gone, but then he’s laughing gleefully, his friends crowding him as they hug him and celebrate with him.
Dan’s grin is the biggest, Josh never actually said it, but Dan’s always kind of known the pain was his fault, or at least connected to him. But now, as he sees his best friend so happy and relaxed, feels him lean over his shoulder to seek out Tom and share a grin with him as Dan hugs him, Dan finally feels the weight of guilt lift from his own shoulders.