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“I am your friend and I love you , Barry .”
“I am doing this for you , for once , can’t you just sit back and relax ?”
Red-clad gloved fingers dug into his arms as he closed his eyes tightly, hoping to bury those feelings deep inside until they suffocate and die, so, they could never wrap around his heart like this and squeeze to hurt him. He could feel the cold shatter-proof glass against his back through his suit, a glass that was supposed to be standing between him and the dark-haired man who was currently sleeping in the uncomfortable looking bed that was secured against the metallic wall of the tiny cell. His back was turned to the hero of Central City who was pushing his body against the glass to make himself look smaller.
It was a mistake. To be here, to stand here. To break and bend every rule to sneak into Iron Heights because the red-clad hero wasn’t able to face his inner demons and between madness and this, facing the man who put him in that situation in the first place was more favorable.
Barry placed his hands against the glass behind him and pushed himself forward, taking another step forward to stand in the middle of the tiny cell. He only needed to take another step forward to be in the range of touching the other man. It was strange to stand here and watch him sleep so peacefully after everything he’s done and realize that he felt no anger or hatred toward him. There was only pain. And shame, but that one was reserved for himself.
August turned around to face Barry with a groan, Barry was startled until he realized August was still fast asleep. He leaned forward to take a closer look at the dark-haired man. Barry met Wolfe first-hand, both as Barry Allen and the Flash, he knew the warden wasn’t a nice guy, Kristen even claimed he was shady and suspicious. Prison has been hard on the ex-detective, clearly. Barry knew August was tough and he didn’t back down from a challenge, he wasn’t afraid to clash with those extremely dangerous inmates locked up in Iron Heights. He had to admit, a part of him has always been worried about him. Without super speed, as an ex-detective, August was in grave danger in Wolfe’s prison.
“Barry...” The blond man pulled back with wide eyes, afraid August was awake and all of a sudden, this idea of confronting him about what happened sounded like a terrible idea. However, August didn’t open his eyes. Barry looked down at him with sadness shadowing his features. This man was his friend, this convict was the first person (other than James) to befriend him and treat him as an equal, not just a young lab rat who got a job at CCPD due to his connections to the Captain. And in his sick, twisted way, what made him end up here was their friendship.
After locking August behind the walls of Iron Heights, Barry struggled with deep-rooted guilt for weeks. He questioned his own actions. Was he a good friend to August? Did he become Godspeed because of Barry? Was Barry a bad influence? Did he neglect his friend when August needed him the most? Then life caught up; David was dropping more cases on him; Bloodwork was keeping him occupied and he promised to help Iris with Wally’s school. In a way, it was nice; to feel needed and to be so occupied to think about your own mistakes, failures and guilt.
But now, looking down at August, it was impossible to avoid thinking about his own shortcomings. He trusted August from the beginning; he shared his identity with him, taught him everything he knew about the Speed Force. Not for a moment, he stopped to think about red flags; the way August talked about his brother’s murder... He was so focused on Avery and other speedsters that, he never questioned August, he never wondered why out of all of them he was the one with the best control. David Singh told Wolfe that Barry Allen was the best CSI in Central, then why did it take Barry so long to solve August’s case? Or... did he even want to? Did he even want to know the awful truth, that one of the speedsters he loved and cared about was the murderer?
If he acknowledged the possibility of August being the speedster killer, he would lose one of his few friends. Barry Allen had none (especially after Manuel’s death) until he became the Flash. Was the red-clad superhero all that he could ever be? Would he and Hal still be friends if he wasn’t the Flash? After all, they were so different, they only had the Justice League in common.
Maybe Grodd was right about him, maybe without his powers, Barry was nothing. Maybe he had nothing and maybe it was because he didn’t deserve anything.
“No!” His thoughts were interrupted by the dark-haired man’s scream; August sat up with eyes wide open and left hand desperately reaching forward. Barry forgot about his emotional turbulence and sat next to August lightning-fast, fingers wrapping around August’s wrist.
“Calm down.” He said softly. “It was just a dream.”
August tried to fight back first, probably a reflex he developed in prison but he calmed down slowly. His muscles relaxed under Barry’s fingers when he turned his head to look at the blond man with wide eyes.
“Barry?” The blond man forced an awkward smile.
“Yes?” August eyed him for a moment, he was still considering the possibility of Barry being a dream or hallucination. When he realized he was neither, he frowned at the blond.
“What are you doing here?” Barry’s forced smile fell, he backed away from the bed with a frown appearing on his face, blue eyes turning away from August.
“That’s a good question.”
“So, you only came here to watch me sleep like a creep?” Barry turned to him with anger in eyes and shame coloring his cheeks.
“No!”
“Then why are you here?” August raised an eyebrow, looking almost amused. Barry lowered his eyes in shame.
“This was a mistake. I should go.” But August reached forward and grabbed Barry’s wrist and maybe a part of Barry wanted the ex-detective to stop him, so, that’s why he didn’t move at super-speed.
“No.” August looked at him with a serious expression that showed no mockery. “Stay. Please.”
Barry turned around to look down at August’s hand on his wrist and he was suddenly struck by a desperate need to cry. It was like a punch to the stomach. He wanted to cry and beg August to tell him none of this happened, that August wasn’t here for killing Eobard Thawne and all other speedsters and whatever happened wasn’t Barry’s fault.
“Hey.” Bary was surprised by the softness of August’s voice. It’s been a while since he heard anything other than sarcasm and anger from the dark-haired man. There was a time when August was loving, caring, funny and sweet to him. Barry desperately wanted to go back to those simple times. But August got up from his bed and wrapped an arm around Barry’s shoulders, pulling him to his warm body. “Calm down, Barry. You are always on your feet. You always think so much. Sometimes you just need to slow down and calm down.”
“Why?” Barry choked, placing his hands on August’s chest and pushing him back. “Why did you do that, why did you kill him?”
“I told you I would.” August answered calmly. “Out of all people, you know how dangerous and terrible he was.” Barry reached up and pushed back his cowl with shaky hands, running his fingers through his messy blond hair. “Why does it bother you so much, Barry? Why are you only talking about Eobard Thawne now? You know I killed other people, too.”
“I already told you, you were wrong about your brother’s murderer.” Barry hissed between his teeth.
“Oh, yes.” August grinned at him. “When my good old friend Barry Allen visited me at the prison. Joyful.”
“Is this a joke to you?!”
“Shh, darling, don’t let Wolfe hear you.” His eyes turned toward the glass before meeting Barry’s blue ones again. “No, I assure you, it’s not. And I wasn’t kidding when I told you I want redemption. But only for the innocent people I killed. Not for him.” His face hardened. “Whatever I did to him, he deserved it.” August reached forward, fingers barely touching Barry’s shoulder. “I did it for—”
“Don’t.” Barry pulled back with a pained expression. “Don’t tell me you did it for me.”
“Why?” August pulled his hand back. “Why does it bother you so much?”
“Because I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t want you to kill him.” August looked at him in a way that reminded Barry of Henry Allen, long before his mother’s death, when he would show his disappointment. It sent a shiver down his spine.
“Barry, you are too good. I told you that before, too. But this is also your biggest flaw. You are not bold enough to deserve to be called a hero.” Barry didn’t feel any anger at his words, a part of him was questioning his own heroism these days. “You value and keep your own morals above everything else. You are selfish. And since you are too afraid to take that one step, you fail every time. Your enemies keep coming back. They hurt more people. You let them hurt you. Because you are afraid.”
“I--”
“And you are afraid now, too.” August’s eyes softened. “I know why you are here, Barry. You aren’t actually mad at me for killing Eobard Thawne. You are mad at me for how you feel about his death.”
Barry’s face hardened as he took a step back defensively.
“I--”
“You are relieved that he can’t hurt you or the people you love anymore. You are almost happy that your mother’s murderer died. You feel free. And these feelings are killing you inside because you are ashamed to feel relief when it comes to someone’s life. Because you are against killing, no matter what.” August looked at him with sympathy. “There is no shame in that, Barry. He hurt you a lot. You can feel relief. You can be happy about it.”
“Stop!” Barry buried his hands in his hair, fingers pulling blond strands almost painfully. “That’s not— I don’t want to feel this way. It’s wrong. It’s not who I am.”
“And you blame me for that.”
“You shouldn’t have done that, August.”
“He’s gone and he can no longer hurt anyone, Barry. Wally and Avery will be safe. You are right to feel relieved.” Blond man buried his face in his hands.
“I wanted him to go to jail. I wanted him to pay for his crimes. My father is free, and that’s all that matters to me.” He lifted his face with wide eyes, not meeting August’s gaze. “Yet... I still feel this way. I am... relieved that he’s gone. A part of me is happy to see his demise and it makes me feel so guilty. Then... fear. I am afraid, August.”
Barry sighed, closing his eyes like a huge burden was lifted from his shoulders by this confession. As his priest in this situation, August listened to him calmly. He knew Barry long enough to understand his struggles even if they made no sense to him. Barry had no reason to feel so much guilt or fear.
“You didn’t commit the murder, Barry. I did. Feeling relieved isn’t a crime. You won’t wake up one day, corrupted, and destroy everything on your path. You are still you.” August took a step forward to place his hand on Barry’s shoulder. The blond man didn’t pull back this time. “The problem is, this city sees you as a god-like being. But you are not. You are just a person trying his best to do the right thing. And it makes you better than a god, trust me. Because gods don’t feel. They don’t stop to befriend people, to help them as you do. I think what you need to do is to banish this obsession with perfection. You can’t be perfect, Barry. You will make mistakes. You will fail. You will disappoint people. But at the end of the day, you are still Barry Allen, a man who had the power to destroy the man who destroyed his life yet didn’t take the shot because he believes in justice, not revenge.” He squeezed Barry’s shoulder who was looking up at him with unshed tears in his eyes. “I still don’t agree with your methods. I still think you treat them softly; you go easy on them and give them so much freedom. But everything aside, I know your heart is at the right place. You have no reason to be afraid. You are human, Barry Allen, and a beautiful one, too.”
Barry’s hand reached up, wrapping his gloved fingers around August’s wrist. They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment before Barry smiled up at him softly.
“I missed you, August. The station isn’t the same without you.” His fingers slightly tightened around his wrist. “And I miss my partner, too.”
August smiled at his old friend.
“I missed you, too, Barry.”