Chapter Text
INT. MANSION - AFTERNOON
Funny Hamon user MR JOSEPH JOESTAR is arguing with loving Hamon user MR CAESAR ZEPPELLI. JOSEPH tries to hug CAESAR but he shakes him off.
JOSEPH
Please, Caesar, don't leave me.
CAESAR
I'm sorry Joseph, but I'm looking for somebody a bit braver. Somebody who faces his fears head-on, instead of running away.
JOSEPH
I am such a person!
CAESAR frowns.
CAESAR
I'm sorry, Joseph. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
CAESAR leaves.
JOSEPH sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, giving Hamon user/Joseph's mom MRS LISA (ELIZABETH) LISA (JOESTAR) barges in looking flustered.
JOSEPH
Goodness, Lisa (Elizabeth)! Is everything okay?
LISA (ELIZABETH)
I'm afraid not.
JOSEPH
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
LISA (ELIZABETH)
It's ... a pillar man ... I saw an evil pillar man kill a bunch of elderly gents!
JOSEPH
Defenseless elderly gents?
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!
JOSEPH
Bloomin' heck, Lisa (Elizabeth)! We've got to do something.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
JOSEPH
You can start by telling me where this happened.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
I was...
LISA (ELIZABETH) fans himself and begins to wheeze.
JOSEPH
Focus Lisa (Elizabeth), focus! Where did it happen?
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Forest! That's right - Forest!
JOSEPH springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
JOSEPH rushes along the street, followed by LISA (ELIZABETH). They take a shortcut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. FOREST - SHORTLY AFTER
WAMMU PILLERMAN a stupid pillar man terrorizes two elderly gents.
JOSEPH, closely followed by LISA (ELIZABETH), rushes towards WAMMU, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
What is it? What's the matter?
JOSEPH
That's not just any old pillar man, that's Wammu pillerman!
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Who's Wammu pillerman?
JOSEPH
Who's Wammu pillerman? Who's Wammu pillerman? Only the most stupid pillar man in the universe!
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Blinkin' knickers, Joseph! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid pillar man in the universe!
JOSEPH
You can say that again.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Blinkin' knickers, Joseph! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid pillar man in the universe!
JOSEPH
I'm going to need Hamons, lots of Hamons.
Wammu turns and sees Joseph and Lisa (Elizabeth). He grins an evil grin.
WAMMU
Joseph Joestar, we meet again.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
You've met?
JOSEPH
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young JOSEPH is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees WAMMU. He takes off his headphones.
WAMMU
Would you like some chocolate?
JOSEPH's eyes light up, but then he studies WAMMU more closely, and looks uneasy.
JOSEPH
I don't know, you look kind of stupid.
WAMMU
Me? No. I'm not stupid. I'm the least stupid pillar man in the world.
JOSEPH
Wait, you're a pillar man?
JOSEPH runs away, screaming.
EXT. FOREST - PRESENT DAY
WAMMU
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
(To JOSEPH) You ran away?
JOSEPH
(To LISA (ELIZABETH)) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
JOSEPH turns to WAMMU.
JOSEPH
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
JOSEPH runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
JOSEPH
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Hamons.
WAMMU
I'm not scared of you.
JOSEPH
You should be.
EXT. STREAM - LATER THAT DAY
JOSEPH and LISA (ELIZABETH) walk around searching for something.
JOSEPH
I feel sure I left my Hamons somewhere around here.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Hamons.
JOSEPH
You know nothing Lisa (Elizabeth) Lisa (Joestar).
LISA (ELIZABETH)
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, WAMMU appears, holding a pair of Hamons.
WAMMU
Looking for something?
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Crikey, Joseph, he's got your Hamons.
JOSEPH
Tell me something I don't already know!
LISA (ELIZABETH)
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
JOSEPH
I know that already!
LISA (ELIZABETH)
I'm afraid of sausages.
WAMMU
(appalled) Dude!
While WAMMU is looking at LISA (ELIZABETH) with disgust, JOSEPH lunges forward and grabs his deadly Hamons. He wields them, triumphantly.
JOSEPH
Prepare to die, you stupid parsnip!
WAMMU
No, please! All I did was kill a bunch of elderly gents!
CAESAR enters, unseen by any of the others.
JOSEPH
I cannot tolerate that kind of behavior! Those elderly gents were defenseless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Joseph Joestar defender of innocent elderly gents.
WAMMU
Don't hurt me! Please!
JOSEPH
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Hamons on you right away!
WAMMU
Because Joseph, I am your father.
JOSEPH looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
JOSEPH
No, you're not!
WAMMU
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
WAMMU tries to grab the Hamons but JOSEPH dodges out of the way.
JOSEPH
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, WAMMU slumps to the ground.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Did he just faint?
JOSEPH
I think so. Well, that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Hamons.
JOSEPH crouches over WAMMU's body.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Be careful, Joseph. It could be a trick.
JOSEPH
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Wammu pillerman is dead!
JOSEPH
What?
JOSEPH
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
LISA (ELIZABETH) claps his hands.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
So your Hamons did save the day, after all.
CEASAR steps forward.
CAESAR
Is it true? Did you kill the stupid pillar man?
JOSEPH
Ceasar how long have you been...?
CAESAR puts his arm around JOSEPH.
CAESAR
Long enough.
JOSEPH
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Wammu pillerman.
CAESAR
Then the elderly gents are safe?
JOSEPH
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enters, looking relieved.
CAESAR
You are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to JOSEPH.
JOSEPH
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Wammu pillerman will never kill elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.
CAESAR
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes JOSEPH a red stone of Aja
CAESAR
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
JOSEPH
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
JOSEPH
Well, if you insist.
JOSEPH takes the stone of Aja.
JOSEPH
Thank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more and leave.
JOSEPH turns to CAESAR.
JOSEPH
Does this mean you want me back?
CAESAR
Oh, Joseph, of course, I want you back!
JOSEPH smiles for a few seconds but then looks defiant.
JOSEPH
Well, you can't have me.
CAESAR
WHAT?
JOSEPH
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a pillar man to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
CAESAR
But...
JOSEPH
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend and mother, Lisa (Elizabeth).
LISA (ELIZABETH) grins.
CAESAR
But...
LISA (ELIZABETH)
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
CAESAR
Joseph?
JOSEPH
I'm sorry Caesar, but I think you should skedaddle.
CAESAR leaves.
LISA (ELIZABETH) turns to JOSEPH.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
JOSEPH
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly LISA (ELIZABETH) stops.
LISA (ELIZABETH)
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the pillar man, don't you?
THE END