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My name is Erwin Smith and I have always lived my life by the rule of never regretting any of the choices I have made.
Yet now I find myself breaking that rule and drowning in the pain of my dark deeds from twelve years ago…
My deepest regret? Losing my little girl.
No, actually I tell a lie...I never lost her, in fact...it's completely the opposite.
I cast her aside and abandoned her, not once...but twice.
I walked away without looking back, I happily signed the adoption papers and let someone else take over the role that was meant to be mine and mine alone.
I was selfish and stupid, I callously denied that she was my own flesh and blood to her innocent young face.
I felt nothing when she cried and asked why I was being so cruel, I felt no remorse for bullying my ex wife and causing her nothing but heartache.
I couldn’t have cared less about the consequences of my actions, just as long as I got what I wanted...but now, I can honestly say that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side...
It all started when I had an affair with my secretary Marie and ended up falling in love with her.
I chose her over my wife. My beautiful, loving, crazy Hanji; The angel who put her body and soul through hell to fulfill my desire to become a father and how did I thank her? By seeking satisfaction for my own carnal needs with Marie when her attention became more focused on our much longed for daughter rather than towards me.
Did I care when she walked in on me making love to Marie on my office desk at work? No, I did not.
Did I feel guilty? Honestly, I felt nothing.
In fact, I showed so little remorse for my actions, that I filed for divorce that very afternoon, but I wasn’t completely heartless.
I promised to provide for our daughter and maintain regular contact with her.
F/n didn’t need to suffer because of my infidelity, she was innocent and I wanted to keep it that way.
However, my selfishness once again reared its ugly head...
Fate would have it that Marie had fallen pregnant, but the biggest shock was that she was already at the end of her first trimester when we discovered that she was carrying my child.
As soon as my divorce was finalized, I married Marie two months later and moved her into the home I once shared with Hanji and f/n.
Of course, it helped that I had friends in high places, so I was able to rush my divorce through the courts and avoid having to give Hanji half of everything I owned.
Despite all the pain I put her through, she was content to just take enough money to buy and furnish a decent dwelling for her and f/n to live in.
She truly was an angel and I was too blind to see it.
I was happy with my new life.
I looked forward to the birth of my second child and was also relieved that I no longer had to sneak around and hide my deeds from my friends and family. I could show off my new wife to world and let them revel in her glowing pregnant beauty.
However, I suspect that those closest to me would rather I hadn’t.
My family shunned me when the truth about my affair with Marie was revealed, they called her a “homewrecker” and a “whore.” They refused to come to our wedding and wanted nothing to do with us or our unborn child.
I should’ve been upset by this, but I wasn’t; I simply shrugged it off.
As long as I was happy and it didn’t have any impact on my business affairs, I couldn’t have cared less what anyone thought of us.
I loved Marie, she loved me and I couldn’t wait for our child to come into the world.
I continued to have regular contact with f/n as promised, Hanji and I remained civil to each other for her sake; However, I could tell that she wanted nothing more than to give me a piece of her mind and verbally tear Marie to pieces, the restraint this woman showed for the sake of our daughter was incredible; However, things did not remain that way...
The constant questioning from f/n over when I was coming home began to get on my nerves; Especially when Hanji refused to allow me to introduce her to Marie.
I felt this was extremely unfair, Marie was f/n’s step mother now after all and also carrying her unborn brother or sister, so why shouldn’t they meet and get to know each other?
It soon transpired that Hanji had not even told f/n that I was now married to someone else than that she had a new brother or sister on the way, something that angered my greatly when I later found out that she had moved on with her life and was now dating an old friend from school who had just returned from overseas deployment with the military, Levi I believe his name was.
I knew at some point that he would more than likely be introduced to f/n, yet my new wife, who was carrying her unborn sibling, was to be denied this privilege; Where was the justice in that?
However, when I did eventually confide in Marie about Hanji’s double standards, I came to a shocking realization about my wife.
I wasn’t sure if it was the hormones affecting her judgement or whether she had always been that way, but she came to reveal that she possessed a callous and frighteningly selfish streak that rivalled my own; A revelation that led her to issue me with a shocking ultimatum:
Abandon f/n and cut her out of my life completely...or she would divorce me and never allow me to see our child when they were born.
Of course my life long rule of not regretting any of the choices I heavily influenced my decision.
I already had one child from a broken family that would now never be accepted by Marie, I couldn’t bear to pass up another chance at being a proper father and I was determined to make sure that this one would not have to go through what f/n was currently having to endure.
I chose Marie and our unborn child, setting in motion the unforgivable and cruel process of erasing my once beloved f/n from my life.
There was no level I was not prepared to sink to; I changed my will, stopped paying Hanji maintenance and even ended my monthly contributions to the savings account we had set up together before f/n was even born so we could give her the best possible start in life when she was old enough to make her own way in the world.
Then finally, the cruelest act of all...I demanded that my name be taken off f/n’s birth certificate.
Of course I knew this could not legally be done unless it was proven that she wasn’t my biological daughter, but I couldn’t risk losing Marie who had now given birth to a healthy baby girl whom we named Eleanor; So naturally, I was determined to do everything in my power to keep them both in my life.
I was so focused on her, that I did not care about the impact my actions would have on those around me and as expected, a bitter battle between myself and Hanji broke out when I contacted her to inform her that I no longer wanted to be apart of f/n’s life.
Threats were exchanged and solicitors were contacted, however Marie wasn’t satisfied with how slow things were progressing and decided to take matters into her own hands.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, she arranged for her best friend Rose to kidnap f/n while Hanji was at work one day and then bring her to our home so she could learn the true nature of why I had abandoned her.
Would I have put a stop to this plan if I had known about it at the time? I honestly can’t say; Yes I wanted to hurt Hanji and I was prepared to use f/n to do that, but this was obscenely low, even by my cruel standards.
When Marie put her despicable plan into action, we had just returned from taking Eleanor for a four month check up at the local clinic.
I saw f/n come running down the street towards us, the fact that she was so happy to see me left me mortified.
Marie however probably felt a sense of glee that everything was going according to plan, especially when I assumed Hanji had done this as a way of getting back at me for my earlier threats.
Desperate to prove my loyalty to Marie and Eleanor, I gave f/n the brush off; I coldly told her that I wasn’t her father and that I never wanted to see her again before leaving her stood in the middle of the street, scared and confused.
I felt no remorse or guilt as I stood in the window, looking out at her through the blinds and seeing her staring back at me, tears streaming down her face wondering why the father that had once adored her now wanted nothing to do with her.
After a few moments, a man who I did not recognize came to her aid.
He could’ve been anyone, a social worker, an off duty police officer or something much worse...yet I still did not care, I just wanted the girl gone.
From the way he picked her up and attempted to comfort her when she buried her head into his shoulder, I assumed that he was Hanji’s new boyfriend.
I'll never forget the way he turned his head to look at my house, catching sight of me watching him and feeling his piercing grey eyes glaring into mine.
I stood my ground and placed an arm around Marie when she came to my side, carefully swaddling our child and humming softly to her before turning her attention to what was happening outside, more than likely feeling a great deal of self satisfaction that she had gotten away with her crime...for the time being at least.
Still determined to have my name removed from f/n's birth certificate and prove my loyalty to Marie, I decided to try a different tactic.
Calling on an old friend who happened to be a senior laboratory technician at the local hospital, I told him of my intentions to have a DNA test performed on f/n and that I wanted the results to show that I wasn't her biological father.
He was reluctant to agree at first, however after a rather large bribe, he was more willing to help me achieve my goal.
I then arranged for myself and Hanji to attend a mediation session in the hopes that they could force her to agree to having the test performed on f/n, citing that I had reason to believe she wasn't my child.
Unfortunately, things did not go as planned.
Hanji soon revealed that she had a rather callous streak of her own, the only difference being that she used hers as a means of protecting her daughter from what she saw as potential harm, rather than her own selfish desires.
To say I was shocked to find out that she had secretly recorded our telephone conversations and even made copies of our email correspondence on the matter was an understatement, I couldn't believe what happening when everything was presented to me at the mediation session and they took my ex wife's side of the argument rather than mine; Even going as far as stating that if I was adamant that the evidence presented to them was fake and I still insisted on a DNA test being done, I would need to take the matter to a family court and initiate legal proceedings.
I was left with no choice but to admit defeat, I refused to gamble on the fact that the barristers and other legal professionals would no doubt see through my lies; I couldn't even rely on my old family friend, Judge Dahlis Zackly to help me get the results I wanted.
My status and influence were strong, but unfortunately, not that strong.
However, telling Hanji that there was no need for us to have further contact and that I would simply disappear from her life was not the end of the matter.
In fact, it was far from it being the end of the matter...
Upon leaving the mediation room, the last thing I had expected to see was Hanji and Marie locked in a verbal confrontation.
It was extremely uncomfortable, not to mention embarrassing to see my wife rising to the bait and causing a scene, however it was also infuriating to see that she was doing so while carrying my sleeping daughter in her arms...However, this was not the worst part.
Seeing an opportunity to try and find something I could use against Hanji, I hung back behind the door and listened to their argument.
I did feel slightly guilty that I did not intervene and at least take Eleanor out of the toxic situation, but I am admittedly a selfish man and my desire to get revenge on my ex wife outweighed my need to protect my daughter.
As I continued to eavesdrop, I was made painfully aware once more that Marie's callousness rivalled...no, actually surpassed my own.
So angry that her plan to oust Hanji and f/n from my life had failed, she brazenly confessed that she was the one who had arranged for f/n to be brought to our house, that her best friend had willingly kidnapped f/n and brought her to me to deliberately hurt her by showing her the truth of why I had abandoned her.
A red mist descended at that moment, I had heard enough.
Making my presence known, I confronted Marie over her confession, yet I was not willing to air my dirty laundry in public as she was.
I refused to speak to her until we arrived home and even then, things did not go well for us...In fact, they couldn't have been worse.
Hanji made full use of Marie's confession and reported her to the police, causing my wife's best friend to leave town in an effort to escape justice, leaving her to face the music alone.
Fortunately, it would seem that Marie also had friends in high places.
Her brother just happened to be a police officer and by some miracle, he managed to erase all evidence that was being gathered to bring charges against her.
Of course, I was relieved that the case was dropped, but I was also still angry that she had been so careless and in particular, arrogant in her actions of confessing everything.
After much begging and pleading, claiming she was only trying to get Hanji out of the picture and do what was best for our family, I came to forgive her; Yet this was only done on the understanding that she no longer interfered in matters concerning my ex wife and daughter.
Naturally, she agreed to my demands and we moved forward with our lives; Or so I foolishly thought...
A year passed by, Marie and I were perfectly happy raising Eleanor and watching her grow.
She had started crawling and trying to say her first words, I couldn't have been more proud of her.
Yet as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end...and this blissful time was no exception to the rule.
Needless to say I was confused to find the police knocking on my door demanding to speak to myself and Marie about allegations of fraud against Child Services regarding an adoption request by none other than my ex wife Hanji.
My confusion towards the situation only intensified when they told me the details of the allegation; How I had asked Marie to pose as Hanji and tell the Social Worker that I was not yet ready to give up my parental rights and wished to try mediation again before proceeding with the adoption.
When I explained to them that I had no idea what they were talking about and questioned whether it was some sort of elaborate prank, Marie's reaction spoke volumes.
Breaking down in tears and claiming that Hanji had it in for her and was trying to tarnish her reputation for stealing me from her, insisting that the allegation was false; However what she did after they left started to plant the seeds of doubt about her honesty towards me.
When I caught her making a suspicious phone call to someone, telling them "they need to act quickly before they get caught" those doubts began to take root and sprout in my mind...
One weekend while she took Eleanor to to go and visit a friend, I decided to conduct a little investigation of my own.
Taking advantage of her being out of the house, I took the opportunity to go through her personal belongings and made a shocking discovery.
There, hidden in her wardrobe, was an envelope addressed to me; Inside, was a letter from Social Services and paperwork which required my signature, paperwork that indicated I was willing to relinquish my parental rights over f/n and allow Hanji's now husband to adopt her.
In that moment, my heart sank.
My suspicions about Marie having lied to not only myself, but the police and Child Services; A government organization as well.
Fighting back my disappointment that she had so desperately clung to the past and her desire for revenge after the first police investigation, I checked the date on the letter to see how long she had been keeping her closely guarded secret.
Drawing the conclusion that it had been delivered during one of my regular business trips out of the city where I was often away from home for up to a fortnight, thanks to my company reaching a much wider client base, I felt I had no choice but to try and confront Hanji over the matter.
The last thing I wanted was to see her, no doubt she would feel a great sense of satisfaction from the anguish of my situation, but if there was one thing I could rely on from her...it was that she would tell me the truth...
As expected, Hanji was not pleased to see me; Even going as far as accusing me of helping Marie stage another attempt to kidnap her daughter.
I was well aware that I fully deserved the hostile attitude she showed towards me. In fact, I willingly embraced it as atonement for everything I had done to her in the past.
Fortunately for me, her husband seemed to be the voice of reason and I respected him for that...even though I knew he would've more than happily let Hanji tear me to pieces if he thought it would satisfy her anger and resentment towards me.
After a tense, but thankfully brief discussion where they confirmed that the investigation was indeed genuine, I came to realize that I could no longer continue in my marriage to Marie.
We had reached the end of the line; Despite giving up my seemingly insatiable thirst to prove myself loyal to her and our child, I had been strong enough to know when to put an end to the hostilities between myself and Hanji, where as Marie had not.
She had continued to hold on to her resentment and anger, desperately pursuing her need for revenge even though she had managed to pry me away from my once loving marriage in favour of being with her...I couldn't deal with her lies and deception a second time, a sense of guilt was starting to build within me for everything I had done in the past; For choosing Marie over Hanji, abandoning f/n, for thinking I could trust my wife to let go of the past...
It was in that moment that I silently vowed to myself that enough was enough, the end of the road had been reached. I had to think of my daughter Eleanor and how best to protect her from the net inevitably closing in on her mother and tearing our once happy family apart.
I willingly signed the adoption papers in front of Hanji and her husband, purposefully making sure that they would bear witness to this symbol of my desire to put the past behind us and amicably go our separate ways; After which, I would make contact with the police and Child Services, setting in motion a catastrophic chain of events which would result in a divorce for myself and Marie, but would prevent my precious Eleanor from being taken away and placed into the foster care system.
Where f/n would still have her mother to love and care for her, I knew I needed to be the one who stayed in the picture to take care of Eleanor, should Marie no longer be able to do so...
Twelve years later...
I had an important meeting with a potential new client to discuss a contract that would put a very significant amount of business my way and we had arranged to meet at a tea shop that he regularly visited, which was a new experience for me.
Normally, all of my business transactions were conducted in my office at work, so to be dragged away from the comfort of my private inner sanctum was unnerving to say the least.
I had never been to this place before, but it was fairly easy to find and I had heard excellent reviews about it.
The shop was well furnished, had a very cozy atmosphere and the smell of freshly baked cakes and pastries, coupled with assorted teas and coffee was truly tantalizing.
Approaching the counter I decided to get myself a drink while I waited for his arrival, glancing at the coffee menu mounted on the wall, I happened to notice a familiar man with piercing grey eyes walk past me and make his way through a door just behind the counter.
I have a very good memory for faces and his was certainly one I had seen before.
Levi Ackerman.
The man that married my ex wife Hanji and adopted my daughter f/n, the man who had the privilege of seeing her grow up and call him “Daddy.”
Who had no doubt been there for her when she cried, attended her parent-teacher conferences at school and been present for every Christmas and birthday that I had waved away my right to be apart of the day I signed those papers giving him permission to relieve me of my role in her life permanently...A day I deeply regretted...
“Hi there, are you ready to order or would you like a few minutes?”
Snapping out of my dark thoughts, I quickly looked around and was met by a pretty young girl with h/l h/c hair and e/c eyes, who couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old.
My eyes narrowed slightly as I studied her appearance, my breath catching in my throat when I heard someone calling her from the door which I assumed led to the kitchen.
“F/n, when you’ve finished serving that customer I need you to clear down some tables.” He explained in a matter of fact tone. “I’d go myself but Isabel’s on a break so I’m needed back here, your dad is making a couple of amendments to the rota and your mum is getting some more change from the office.”
“Okay Uncle Farlan.” She responded, before turning back to face me. “Sorry about that, what can I get you?”
“I’ll have a black coffee please.” I answered quietly, forcing myself to regain my composure.
Surely this couldn't be my f/n? It was a popular name afterall, the chances of it really being her weren't all that great...were they?
“Will that be to take away or drink now?”
"I'll be staying a while."
"Anything else?" She smiled politely, she'd clearly been well trained in how to deal with customers; A rather impressive trait for someone so young.
"That will be all for now."
“Take a seat and I’ll bring it over.”
“Thank you.”
I handed over my payment and slowly walked over to one of the plush brown leather sofas by the window.
Sitting down, I focused my attention on the counter and sighed deeply, watching her go about preparing my order.
I eventually noticed her turn to speak to a brown haired woman wearing glasses, someone who I recognized instantly; My ex wife, Hanji.
For some unknown reason, my heart fluttered upon seeing her again.
She looked well, there was a smile on her face as she spoke to the young girl who had served me...a smile which widened considerably when Levi returned to join them.
Inhaling deeply and holding onto it for the briefest of moments before letting it out, I felt a weight settle in my stomach as it was confirmed for me that she was indeed the little girl I had rejected all those years ago. This truly was my f/n.
Levi looked at her with evident pride and ruffled her hair as she continued to work, her mother giggling and shaking her head at his actions.
I couldn't help but chuckle lightly at the way she ducked and pushed his hand away, the words “Geez! Get off me Dad, I’m not a little kid anymore!” leaving her lips in a tone typical of someone her age.
Summoning my courage, I smiled at her when she brought my coffee over and decided to try striking up a conversation with her. I wasn't entirely sure why I did this, but something deep down compelled me to do so.
“You look a little young to be working, shouldn’t you still be in school?”
“I’m sixteen years old, I left school in June after sitting my G.C.S.E’s!” She giggled shyly, putting my cup down on the table before straightening up and placing her hands behind her back.
“Ah I see, so you work here full time then?” I knew I probably should have left it at that, but I couldn't resist pushing my luck. "My apologies if this seems too forward, but I assume this is your parents establishment?"
“Full time for now and yeah, this is my dad's place." She confirmed, causing a dull ache in my heart at hearing her refer to Levi as her "dad." "It’s a family run business, there’s also my mum, uncle and aunt working here. He set this place up twelve years ago after leaving the military, I remember him telling me it was something he’s always wanted to do since he was around my age.”
She sounded so proud when she spoke, I was actually jealous of the admiration she held for this man.
Yet I couldn’t blame her, he had clearly been a good father to her; Much better than I had ever tried to be.
“So you have a job for life then?” I questioned curiously. “You’re very lucky, not many people your age have such good fortune straight after leaving school.”
“I’m hoping to start at the bottom and eventually work my way to the top." She explained, completely unaware of who I really was; Yet still willing to hold a such a personal conversation with me. "I’m going to Trost Technical College in September to do an advanced business studies course.”
“Sounds like you have it all planned out.” I nodded approvingly, picking up my coffee and taking a sip.
“Pretty much.” She mused thoughtfully. “After that I’m hoping to go to Stohess University and get myself a business management degree so I can eventually take over when my parents retire. I’ll still continue working here at weekends, so at least I won’t need to worry about looking for a job to help cover my tuition fees while I’m studying.”
“You’re clearly a very determined young lady, your parents should be very proud of you.” I said softly, feeling a sudden swell of pride that I had absolutely no right to do. “I wish you the best of luck.”
“Thank you, that’s very kind of you. Can I get you anything else?”
I was tempted to say that I wanted to get the last twelve years back, but I kept that thought to myself; She was clearly happy and I owed it to her to keep it that way.
“No thank you, I have everything I need for now.”
F/n nodded and afforded me one last smile before returning to work, leaving me to sit frowning at my coffee.
My decision to cast f/n aside for Marie and Eleanor, someone who ultimately revealed herself to be one of the cruelest women I'd ever met and a child who turned out to not even be mine, is one that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I threw away the privilege of being granted the gift of fatherhood for a woman whose scheming and callous selfishness surpassed my own and ultimately cost her not only her freedom, but her child and our marriage.
While I can never get over how devastated I was when Marie's sick need to torture Hanji after being humiliated by her when the kidnapping plot was traced back to her consumed her; Pushing her to break the law and almost drag me down with her, I was thankful, that I was able to escape the fate she faced when her actions caught up with her, (partly in thanks to me cooperating with the investigation) and she was made to pay for her actions.
However, that did not stop her from turning against me and leaving me to face the fallout of her actions as she spent the next several years languishing in a prison cell with her best friend Rose keeping her company.
I will never forget the day her ex husband, a man named Nile Dok showed up at my house with representatives from Child Services to serve me with papers demanding a DNA test on Eleanor, or the feeling of my heart being ripped out of my chest when it was revealed that this man was indeed her biological father; A discovery which ultimately led to him being granted sole custody of her and the child I had spent nearly two years raising being removed from my life forever.
It really was the ultimate irony now that I look back on it; Marie was still sleeping with her then husband behind my back, while I was sleeping with her behind Hanji's...what a fool I was to think I should be allowed to be happy after the heinous acts I'd committed.
Everyone in my life told me I had deserved everything I got and quite frankly, I agreed with them wholeheartedly.
Now, I sit here in the tea shop owned by the man who raised my only child, the man who treated my ex wife the way she deserved to be treated...
They had the world at their feet, while I was left alone with nothing but my business to keep me warm at night...
My name is Erwin Smith and I can honestly say that abandoning my daughter and not being the father that I should have been, the father that she deserved me to be...is most certainly, my deepest regret.