Chapter Text
Roger’s P.O.V
I need to get out of this place.
Mimi came to me last night. I couldn’t believe it when she told me it was all true.
The rumours about her and Benny have been in circulation for a while now. I ignored them. I've always ignored them.
But I can’t do that now.
Mimi came to me last night. She came and she told me that it was all true.
I can’t unhear the words that came out of her mouth.
“It’s true. The rumours. Benny was... he is... he supports me. He’s always there for me when no one else is. He cares about me, Roger. Can't you see that he’s trying to help me? I know you hate him, but he’s good for me.”
And then there was my reply.
“Mimi... no. You lied to me? You cheated on me? With Benny? The landlord. Who has a wife. Who will never love you like I do. Benny isn’t good for you; he’ll get bored and throw you out like he tried to throw me out of this flat.”
Tempers flared quickly.
“You’re jealous! So what if I want something between me and Benny? He’s a nice man! Unlike someone I can think of!”
I loved her still. I couldn’t face the fact she was seeing someone else behind my back. The girl had my heart in her hands, just as April did before her.
“I’m not jealous! I’m just upset! Why didn’t you tell me?”
And of course, she brought the illness into the argument.
“You have enough to worry about. You don’t want to be stressed out over what could be the last few months of your life.”
Mimi knew that the HIV was slowly killing me. She went to the doctor last time and heard him tell me that I didn’t have long left. She held my hand as I shook and asked if there was anything we could do. And as always, he told me that we couldn’t do anything without a cure.
It was Mimi’s illness too. We shared it with each other. We knew it would be our downfall, but we also knew we would tumble together.
“Mimi please, I love you.”
And the cold look in her eyes had been enough to freeze me in place, enough to hold steady the hand I had been reaching to her.
“Do you? Do you really? Because, you know what Roger? I don’t think I've ever heard those words come out your mouth before. I’ve never once heard you tell me how you feel.”
I didn’t cry. I just stood there. I watched as her eyes shone with fury and realised that she was right.
“I can tell you! From now, I’ll always tell you. I love you Mimi Marquez. I’ve loved you ever since you first brought your goddamn candle into my loft. I've loved your brown eyes and soft hair since I first saw them under the moonlight.”
Then she slapped me. She slapped my hand and pulled her body away from me. Her mouth formed the most distasteful snarl, and she whispered to me harshly.
“It’s too late Roger. You can bury those feelings at the bottom of the ocean, because I don’t love you. Not anymore. Not now. Maybe you could’ve saved that, if you’d have opened up to me instead of locking your feelings away. But now I have someone who isn’t afraid to say he loves me, who isn’t scared of letting out his emotions. I love Benny now, not you.”
I had to fight back the tears. I didn’t want my ex to see me cry. I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I'd never wept in front of anyone before. I had a reputation to keep up. People thought I was strong. Mimi used to think I was strong. And before her, April used to think I was strong.
April was the reason for my short life expectancy. She was the one who shared the needle with me when we injected the substances into ourselves. She was the one who spread the disease to me.
And then she died. I found her lying in her own blood in the bathroom, a note next to her that said, “We have AIDS.”
I stopped doing drugs. I found Mimi. She was in the same situation as me in terms of health. She was a pole dancer and heroin addict. She was beautiful.
“See you around Roger. Maybe when we meet again, you’ll understand how to love.”
And she walked out the door. I watched her go down the street, a thick coat pulled around her body.
I started to strum, singing. The song I'd been searching for so long planting itself in my brain.
“Who do you think you are? Leaving me alone with my guitar.”
Mimi was the song. We were destined to fall out. Her leaving was meant to happen. As I saw her leave for the last time, the words were settled and clear in my head.
I don’t love Mimi anymore. My feelings died when she left me. It's been a week since then and this place is really getting to me.
I don’t leave the house. Mark tries to get me to go out to dinner with them. But I can’t. I don’t want to see their faces. Since Angel’s death, they’ve changed.
Collins doesn’t smile anymore. All he speaks about is Angel. He shares all his best memories of her. And then he cries and I don’t know how to comfort him.
Maureen and Joanne are on bad terms. They either argue or just don’t speak to each other.
Angel really was the one holding us all together. Without her, no one remembers how to love. She kept the family alive. She knew the right things to say, what to do. She always had the answer.
Collins says that she’s still up there. I don’t think so. If she was, she would’ve done something to help us all by now. She wouldn’t be letting us suffer like this. She'd get me outside, get Maureen to apologise, get Mark to take a break, get Collins to move on from her.
Mark's the same as always. Hiding behind the camera. I hardly see him anymore. Since he was hired by Alexi, his work is priority. He doesn’t have the time for me.
I'm always inside, always alone.
I can’t be around them, knowing that two are missing. Knowing I sent one of them away. Knowing one of them is dead.
A meal with them means sitting at a table with four people trying to find things to talk about. Two of them avoiding each other, one crying and the other messing about with a camera. It's people who don’t know how to act, how to carry on without the leader. They’re careful when speaking, avoiding anything that may trigger memories.
They need Angel. We all do.
Angel was the best person I ever knew. She was confident and strong, but also kind. So nice to everyone, even those who were horrible to her. She faced so much discrimination. People didn’t understand her.
She was the first drag queen I ever met. I was confused at first, I'll admit even a little scared. But she was so nice. She answered every question I had. She explained it all.
I can’t take any more of this place.
Benny is waiting for our rent. Mark hasn’t earnt anything. Neither have I. I no longer have someone to get me through it.
I’ve had enough.
Everything is blowing up around me. I'm alone in the middle of a battlefield. My friends fight and wage war to win the right to love. I fight for money. I fight for this home. I fought for Mimi.
Now I fight for myself.
I can’t waste time looking out for others. Mimi showed me that. I’m the only one who counts.
I’d be better off somewhere else. Somewhere I could start over again, live out my the last of my time in happiness. Don’t I deserve to relax before I die?
All I'm getting here is stress. Needing to pay up to live. Trying to forget those who’ve been lost. Trying to stop missing those who walked out.
I fight for my path to light.
Angel is everywhere. When I look out the window, I see her drumming on the street. When I see Benny, I think of his dog Evita. Then I think of Angel driving said dog to suicide. And I laugh. I remember the way she burst into this room on Christmas Eve after finding Collins bleeding on the street. I remember when she dragged us all out to the life support meetings.
There are too many memories here. I need to get away from them.
Mimi follows me too. I see her buying smack down the alleyway. I see her leaving from the Cat Scratch Club, dressed in black leather and lace. I see her hair in the moonlight that makes its way into the loft.
I can’t escape the memories. They haunt me like a ghost, like I sometimes imagine Angel’s ghost does. It’s nice to picture her watching over me, real wings sprouting from her back, that gentle smile on her face, the warm glint in her eyes.
I pick up a piece of paper from the dresser.
Sorry Roger. I won’t be home for dinner tonight again. Alexi’s got me working late. There's some stuff in the fridge, leave some for me, okay?
Mark
I sigh. When will he see this job isn’t getting him anywhere? He’s being tricked. They're making him work late, and then not paying.
I drop the paper and look in the fridge. As I thought. More month-old frozen lasagne. I can’t eat that again.
The room feels so small around me.
I need to run away from this dump.
Angel’s dead. Mimi’s gone. Mark's never home.
I'll go mad if I stay in New York any longer.
I need to go.
There's a pen on the side. I'll leave Mark a note. I'll tell him why I’m leaving.
Mark, I need to leave. This place is driving me crazy. It feels like I'm trapped. I need to go and get away from the memories. If I'm far away, maybe I'll stop seeing Angel and Mimi around me. Maybe I'll be able to forget about them. I don’t have long left and I need to spend that time living my life, not hiding in a loft. But I can’t stand to be around people I know. I need a fresh start, another try.
I hope you understand.
Your best friend,
Roger.
But where to? Somewhere far away. Somewhere different from here.
I remember Angel and Collins’ dream about going out to Santa Fe. She never got to go there. Maybe I could for her.
Yes. But I can’t tell anyone. They'll come and bring me back. I need a break. I need to breathe.
I shove my guitar into a bag. The same guitar I used to play Mimi songs on. The guitar I accompanied Angel’s drums with. The instrument I played to get myself to sleep as a child. The only thing my parents gave me. My favourite thing in the whole world.
My hand slips a candle in without my brain even noticing. I see it lying on my guitar and throw it out. I'm going away to escape memories, not take them with me.
I pick up the bag and walk out the building, making towards the bus station. I don’t even turn to see the house one last time. All I'd be able to see is the eviction posters in the window anyway.
Maybe the next time Mimi sees me I will have learnt how to love.
But something tells me I'll be seeing Angel before her.
I take the detour past a house I'm all too familiar with and leave one more note in the window there. She'll see it, I know she will.
Goodbye love.
Roger Davis.