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Joonmyun has learned not to take himself too seriously. Besides, ready to counter every mean comment about him is a legion of fans who adore him for who he is. It's one of the reasons why he doesn't have any kind of SNS. The temptation is great, but there are things he's better off not knowing.
People have always accused him of being too scripted, too plastic with his PR smile and manufactured lines. It's hard not to be when there's so much pressure to be perfect. Once, Joonmyun had been so afraid of making mistakes that he was paralyzed, too scared to try anything. Still, he is extremely aware of that slim, nearly inexistent, margin of error between success and failure. He does exactly what he's told, because he can't afford to do anything wrong.
Contrary to what most people believe, it's not solely because he cares about what the company thinks. He does everything for the people whom he loves as a family, whether they fully appreciate it or not. He's stern because he's supposed to be, but it still breaks his heart when he can sense their silent resentment. No matter how lovingly he treats his members, the position he holds is just so innately isolating.
Jongin is suspicious. He always takes Joonmyun's smiles and hugs with a grain of salt, since Joonmyun is always acting. Joonmyun acts braver than he feels, more powerful than he is, more certain of the group than anyone can reasonably feel. Jongin knows that his hyung is a good actor. He's too busy to take on a major role at this point, but Jongin knows that Joonmyun will be an even brighter star someday.
But for now, Jongin wishes that Joonmyun would just stop acting. It's almost like he's two-faced. When they're at home, Joonmyun is quiet, austere. The warmth he displays in public cools by the time they reach the dorms. They're all tired, but Joonmyun seems to always recoil away from the rest of the group, almost as if he's trying to stay aloof.
The other boys pair off to play video games, watch tv, or just chat, but Joonmyun always slinks off by himself to his bedroom. Jongin isn't sure what he does, since the leader is hopeless when it comes to social media and technology in general. Given how blatantly odd Joonmyun is at times, Jongin wouldn't be surprised if his hyung spent his alone time curled up in bed, reading mangas and selectively ignoring the outside world.
Joonmyun is a melting pot of contradictions, and it's sometimes hard for Jongin to keep up. In public, the leader is warm and gregarious, but when they're alone, sometimes his face is so curiously blank that it's impossible to know what's going on. Jongin isn't sure if Joonmyun is just tired or if he's quietly disapproving of everything he sees. Jongin knows that it's the leader's job to be communicative about his thoughts and feelings, but Joonmyun can't always be completely transparent about everything.
Sometimes he just rings a little insincere to Jongin. It's hard to reconcile the affectionate skinship onstage with the jaded blankness Joonmyun displays offstage. Or maybe Jongin just isn't paying close enough attention. Either way, Jongin has never been one to fabricate his own feelings. He may not be as expressive as the others, but he's genuine.
As the years wear on, Joonmyun finds it harder and harder to be who he needs to be, every second of every day. The most important thing is for him to be who he's supposed to be when he's in public. But by the time they get back to the dorms in the evening, mental and physical exhaustion erode Joonmyun to a mere shade of himself.
He quietly craves affection, but he knows that he can't seek it out the way some of the other members do. Joonmyun is the rock, the foundation of the group. He must be independent, strong, the one others go to when they need love and attention. It's not supposed to happen then other way around.
If Joonmyun is a drawn curtain, Baekhyun is an open window, blindingly transparent. They are complete opposites in many regards, but there's an tacit understanding between them. Joonmyun lets Baekhyun in during his most vulnerable moments, and Baekhyun will turn a blind eye, because Joonmyun is terrified of being vulnerable, but sometimes he just needs someone to cling onto.
Now is one of those times. It's the night before the SMTown concert, and Joonmyun feels something he hasn't felt virtually since their debut. Nerves. There's no logical reason why he should be nervous for this concert out of the hundreds of times they have performed already. But there's no use in trying to rationalize the tingling in his veins or the roiling in his stomach as he sits on the sofa, curled into himself and staring ahead at nothing.
The other members assume that he's just brooding, but Baekhyun is more perceptive than what he is given credit for. He recognizes the worry in Joonmyun's eyes and curls an arm around Joonmyun's slim shoulders.
"Everything's going to be alright," he assures him, leaning in to peck Joonmyun on the cheek.
"Don't you have a girlfriend or something?" Joonmyun asks with half-hearted accusation in his voice.
"Everybody thinks I'm at least a little gay. Including her." Baekhyun grins a sheepish half-smile.
Joonmyun scoffs and leans his head against Baekhyun's shoulder. He's always had a fondness for Baekhyun's shoulders. After a few moments, he looks back up at Baekhyun, realizing the younger is watching him. Baekhyun shifts a little closer, and for a moment, Joonmyun thinks that Baekhyun is about to kiss him.
He looks away shyly after an awkward beat, but Baekhyun nudges Joonmyun's chin back with an elegantly tapered finger. There's no mistaking it this time--Baekhyun tilts Joonmyun's head back and kisses him gently, and then with greater insistence.
"Does that count as cheating?" Joonmyun asks breathlessly, and Baekhyun shrugs, another half-smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
In a dorm full of nearly a dozen minds scattered in all directions, Joonmyun takes comfort in knowing that Baekhyun will always be there to give him his time and affection when he needs it the most. It's against Joonmyun's nature to actively seek attention. He brushes up against the other members when he's craving physical closeness, but they usually just brush him away. But with Baekhyun, Joonmyun never has to worry about rejection.
Snuggled up against him, it's easy to forget that Joonmyun might be receiving unwanted attention. Jongin rolls his eyes when he sees his leader making out with Baekhyun's neck, which he seems to have some bizarre affinity for. Their entire relationship is perplexing, and Jongin doesn't understand why Joonmyun seems to favor Baekhyun, of all people. Why Joonmyun is always quick to forgive Baekhyun, even though he's the one who has to deal with the worst of his shit.
Joonmyun is an angel, so caring, forgiving, and impossibly patient. But Jongin doesn't understand why that kindness is extended to Baekhyun. He doesn't understand why Joonmyun is so withdrawn, yet so affectionate during those moments Jongin has caught him with Baekhyun. Jongin tries to push the thoughts out of his mind. He tells himself that they're simply not worth dwelling on.
Jongin's friendship with Taemin is one of the most precious relationships he has formed during his young adult years. They’re quite close in age, but Jongin can’t help but look up to him. Taemin just has this natural aura of self-assuredness, the image of an individual who has achieved self-actualization. The maturity and boyish charm he displays to the public is no different from how he acts when there are no cameras around. Jongin enjoys spending time with Taemin not just because they’re close friends, but also because he feels like he is becoming a better person by just talking to him. It’s also an escape from the rest of the members, many of whom still have a lot of growing up to do, Jongin included.
With his arm slung across Taemin’s shoulders during the finale of the SMTown concert, Jongin doesn't even feel like he's performing. It's not hard for him to smile and wave and look happy, because he's truly glad to share a stage with one of his best friends. But suddenly, there's a hand on his arm, trying to pull him away from Taemin. Jongin feels a sharp spike of irritation when he sees that it's Joonmyun.
The leader probably just wants to join them, but Jongin doesn't want Joonmyun to cheapen what he has with Taemin. It's not where he belongs. Jongin yanks Joonmyun's hand away, ignoring the brief flash of shock and hurt in the smaller man's eyes. He gives Joonmyun an impassive kick to the stomach to reinforce the message. It has little power behind it, but Joonmyun buckles over nevertheless and shields himself from Jongin with his pale arms.
Jongin's only joking around, Joonmyun thinks, so he tries again to insert himself between the two friends.
As he's turning away, Jongin feels Joonmyun hooking an arm around his shoulders the way he has seen him do to Baekhyun so many times.
"Fuck off, hyung," Jongin hisses under his breath, and Joonmyun quickly withdraws his hand as though he's been jolted with electricity.
Taemin pats Joonmyun on the back sympathetically, his luminous smile never faltering. Joonmyun's heart wobbles on its axis, but he bravely tries to maintain his own smile. He's been on an adrenaline high throughout the entire concert, especially with his first cross-dressing performance earlier in the day, but Joonmyun suddenly feels so exhausted. He lingers near a few of his other members, but no one, not even Yixing, seems to notice him.
Despite the heaviness settling into his limbs, Joonmyun forces himself to stay energetic and upbeat, because that's what he's supposed to do. Most of the other performers have resigned to dawdling around the stage and waiting for the concert to be over, but Joonmyun knows that the audience wants a show to the very end. He skips around the stage and blows kisses to the fans, hoping that his exterior won't betray his slowly crumbling interior.
His heart leaps with gratitude when Choi Siwon flashes him a warm, encouraging smile, and he giggles when the older man tries–and fails–to lift Joonmyun from the ground. Joonmyun is filled with renewed energy and enthusiasm, especially now that he has found someone else willing to act like a public embarrassment alongside him.
When Kyuhyun greets Joonmyun with open, inviting arms, Joonmyun bounds into his embrace. Kyuhyun's larger frame curled around Joonmyun's smaller one makes him feel safe and comfortable, and it reminds Joonmyun that there are people outside his group who never fail to make him feel good about himself. He has other friends who adore him and who Joonmyun doesn't think he's been spending enough time with lately. Joonmyun has given so much to his group mentally, emotionally, and physically, that he has essentially let EXO monopolize his life. He realizes that it wouldn't be bad for him to get away from the dorm once in awhile and spend time with people who don't take him for granted.
"Hyung-nims..." Joonmyun giggles in embarrassment, snuggling in closer to Kyuhyun's side.
"Joonmyunie, don't be so modest," Kyuhyun teases, combing his fingers through Joonmyun's hair.
"We're all so proud of you, Joonmyunie," Changmin agrees. "Even though you never have time to play with us anymore."
Joonmyun tries to protest, but Minho grins and fondly tickles Joonmyun's waist, his weak spot. Joonmyun writhes both in reaction to the tickling and in embarrassment at all the attention. It's been a long time since he's been doted on like this.
"Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys today," Joonmyun says, feeling warm in his cheeks and in his chest.
"We should be thanking you for making time for us, since you've been so busy with EXO-L. Which reminds me...I miss ELF," Kyuhyun sighs.
"And it seems like Cassiopeia is slowly shrinking, too," Changmin adds sadly.
Joonmyun isn't sure what to say, how to express the admiration he has for the others in the room. He remembers watching each one of them rise to fame, while silently hoping and wondering when his own turn would come. But his own life had eventually taken a turn for the surreal, and sometimes his mind still struggles to play catch-up.
“You’ve worked hard, Joonmyunie,” Kyuhyun assures him, fondly patting his shoulder.
"I thought you were just going to get some snacks," Jongdae says with a frown when Joonmyun returns to the dorm. He's sitting at the kitchen table with his phone in hand.
Realizing his mistake, Joonmyun's eyes widen in alarm. He had indeed bought snacks, but they're all gone now. When Kyuhyun invited him to hang out with the others, Joonmyun had offered them the snacks he bought without hesitation.
"I did. I kinda lost them along the way," Joonmyun admits.
"Did Changmin, Kyuhyun, and Minho sunbaenims eat them all?" Jongdae asks suspiciously.
"W-what? How did you know?"
"Kyuhyun just tweeted that he finally convinced you to spend some time with them."
"So?" he asks defensively.
"But we were supposed to go shopping this afternoon, hyung. Am I not good enough for you?"
The first part is true, but Jongdae is also deliberately playing on Joonmyun's acute sense of guilt. It's unfair, and they both realize it.
"We both know that you just like shopping with me because I pay for your clothes," Joonmyun snaps.
He's filled with instantaneous regret when Jongdae's expression sinks. His instinct urges him to apologize, but Jongdae beats him to it.
"I'm sorry, hyung. I...it's probably my fault that you've always thought I was taking advantage of you. The truth is, I really like spending time with you, hyung. And I like it when we buy matching clothes, too..."
Joonmyun's chest aches deep and dull as Jongdae makes this confession with a troubled expression tightening his handsome features. He walks over to where Jongdae is sitting and cradles the younger's head to his chest.
"I should be the one who's sorry. I just completely forgot. I'll make it up to you, sound good?"
"You have nothing to apologize for, hyung. But yeah. That sounds really good, I can't wait."
Jongdae stands up and draws Joonmyun closer, so their hips are tangent and his lips nearly brush the shell of Joonmyun's ear.
"Do you know what I like even better than when you buy me clothes?" he asks, and Joonmyun shakes his head. "When I wear your clothes," Jongdae finishes with a sly smirk.
Joonmyun chokes and splutters. "Just not in public, okay?"
"But it looks good on me! All your clothes do..."
"That's not what I mean! It won't...reflect well on us."
"Fine, hyung," Jongdae concedes with a childish pout. "Just wanted to let everyone know you're mine."
It's one of those mornings when Joonmyun feels the dreaded prickle in the back of his throat turn into pain when he tries to swallow. He's tried so hard to take care of himself, but he's been burning the candles at both ends and stretching himself thinner than he thought possible.
At the same time, it's been getting progressively more difficult for him to sleep. Each night is fitful with nightmares that dissipate from his mind as soon as he opens his eyes. They leave him with a chilling emptiness even though he can't remember what any of his dreams are about.
Tonight's nightmare is no different. The troubling feelings evoked by the dream still linger at the periphery of his consciousness, as he shivers between his sheets in a cold sweat. He vaguely recalls losing something and feeling troubled by the loss, and the emptiness is unsettling in his stomach. Or maybe it's simply whatever illness he's starting to succumb to.
He checks his phone–it's three in the morning. Joonmyun can't help but feel a little guilty, but he remembers their promise. He gingerly steps out of bed and tiptoes to the bathroom, phone in hand.
"Mmmrrrhh?"
Joonmyun smiles at the familiar, unintelligible groan on the other side of the line.
"Sorry for calling so early. Or, late. I'm just...I just need someone to talk to, Yifan. And you're the only one-"
He coughs, the full-chested kind of hack that claws his throat raw.
"Hey, Joonmyun, are you okay? That doesn't sound good..." Yifan is suddenly wide awake with concern.
Joonmyun moans softly and tries to speak, but Yifan cuts him off.
"No, no, save your throat, it probably hurts to speak, right?" He chuckles, warm and low, into the phone. "It's funny, I can just hear you nodding on the other side of the line."
Yifan's strong, comforting aura reaches Joonmyun even over the phone, and he can't help but smile.
"I hope they've been taking care of you well. I know that you've been trying your best for them, you always have. But it would make me feel a lot better knowing that they're doing the same for you." There's a pause, as if Yifan is pursing his lips in disapproval. "I guess not, though, if they let you get sick like this, huh?"
"It's not their fault," Joonmyun rasps in protest.
"Shhh," Yifan hushes him with a smile in his voice. "Just let me lay here thinking that I could have taken care of you better."
Joonmyun wants to ask, "Then why didn't you? Why aren't you with me here right now?" But he knows that Yifan's choice was his own prerogative.
As if he had picked up on Joonmyun's silent change in mood, Yifan quickly apologizes. "God, I'm sorry. I hope I didn't upset you by saying that. I miss you, Joonmyun. But you know how it goes."
Joonmyun is quiet, and not just because it hurts too much to speak.
"Hey," Yifan says gently. "I'm really sorry for everything I've put you through. But you're strong, you've always been... I have idea, how about a language lesson?"
Hearing a noncommittal grunt on the other end, Yifan continues. "You have Luhan, Zitao, and Yixing to help you with Chinese, so how about we work on your English?"
He takes Joonmyun's silence as a sign to continue. The words Yifan says in English and repeats in Korean are basic tourist phrases that Joonmyun had learned long ago, but he closes his eyes and absorbs the gentle textures of Yifan's voice. They still keep in touch through late night phone calls and video chats, but they haven't seen or felt each other in person for months. And sometimes Joonmyun is just struck with how much he misses him.
"Joonmyunie? Are you still awake?"
"Mmm."
"Ah, this isn't very fun, is it? Not very interactive if I just talk at you. Is there anything you want me to teach you?"
"How do you say...this is my limit," Joonmyun whispers. He holds his breath when he hears Yifan's heavy silence.
"Joonmyun..." Yifan sighs sadly. "I'm so sorry... But I'm willing to bet you never let anybody else know when you're hurting, right?"
It's true, Joonmyun never tells anyone when he's tired or in pain. He's the one who must remain grounded in reality, comforting the others while reminding them of their jobs. He can't afford to give up, not when he's the integral pillar of support to their group.
"It's fine," Joonmyun says, with a prickle building behind his eyes. He's said "it's fine" so many times before, but it's not something he usually has to say to Yifan. And Yifan can tell that Joonmyun's not being completely honest.
"Please, Joonmyun. I know I promised you that I would always be there for you when you're not fine. But you have to let the others in, too. You're not being a burden to anybody."
For several minutes, a wordless flow of emotion is exchanged between them as they simply listen to each other breathe. Finally, Joonmyun breaks the silence.
"Can you sing to me, Yifan? Please?"
Yifan obliges, murmuring soft melodies in Chinese until Joonmyun's head lolls onto his shoulder and he drifts into unconsciousness.
Jongin finds Joonmyun the next morning shivering on the bathroom floor with his back against the wall and his phone in his hand. He's still asleep, small and pathetic looking with his body drawn in, trying to preserve warmth.
The only other person awake is Kyungsoo, and Jongin groggily pads over to the kitchen to consult him about the body in the bathroom.
"Hyung, Joonmyun's passed out on the bathroom floor, what should I do," he asks, and Kyungsoo's eyes grow even rounder than usual.
"Don't just leave him there!" he exclaims. "Go take him back to his bed!"
"Okay, hyung," Jongin grunts.
When he feels himself being lifted from the cold bathroom floor, Joonmyun automatically wraps his arms around the person carrying him.
"Yifan?" he mumbles half-consciously.
"No. Jongin."
"Oh. Sorry, Jongi-nnnffghh!" Joonmyun faceplants onto his pillow when Jongin dumps him onto the bed.
He covers Joonmyun with a blanket and then steals Sehun's blanket to cover him with that, too.
"What the fuck," Sehun complains, sleepily looking around for his blanket.
"Time to get up," Jongin says, shaking Sehun by the shoulder before he exits the room.
Nobody wakes Joonmyun from his rest, even after they've all eaten breakfast and the members of M have left for their schedules. Kyungsoo gives Chanyeol and Sehun a shopping list while he busies himself with house chores.
"Why can't I go shopping, too?" Jongin asks, trying not to whine.
"Because nobody trusts you to go shopping with Sehun anymore. All I need you to do is to stay with Joonmyun and take care of him if he wakes up. Check his temperature once in awhile."
Jongin returns to Joonmyun's room with resignation, carrying a tall glass of water that he places on the dresser. He sits down on a chair facing Joonmyun's bed and pulls out his phone to play a racing game. When he glances up, large dark eyes are peeking out of a blanket, watching him.
"Would you like some water, hyung?"
Joonmyun blinks and nods, his eyes following Jongin's form as he retrieves the glass. Joonmyun sits up, pulling the blankets even tighter around himself when he receives the water.
"Thanks, Jongin," he says, his voice rough and sandpapery.
When he returns to laying down on his side, he pulls the blanket back up to his eyes. For awhile, Jongin just continues to play games while Joonmyun watches. Usually, Joonmyun tries to make conversation when they're together, but he is currently in no condition to speak. It's a little bit of a relief for Jongin, who has always been a little uneasy being alone with Joonmyun. All he asks is for Jongin to bring him a few mangas to read and to occasionally refill his glass of water.
When Joonmyun's temperature peaks, Kyungsoo instructs Jongin to dab a cool, damp towel to his skin while Kyungsoo looks for ibuprofen.
"Stay with him," Kyungsoo says when Chanyeol and Sehun return. The three of them prepare soup in the kitchen while Jongin remains by Joonmyun's side.
The agitation in Joonmyun's expression eventually smoothes out as his fever subsides. His cheeks are still pink, but not worryingly so.
"Thank you, Jongin," Joonmyun says, smiling gratefully at him. "Thanks for taking care of me so well."
"You're welcome," Jongin replies. "But, hyung... I have a question..."
"Yes, Jongin?"
"Are you still talking to Kris? I mean, Yifan?"
"Y-yeah," Joonmyun admits uneasily. "We made a promise that we'd always be there for each other."
"Oh. I see." Jongin is quiet, pondering. "You know, you can always talk to us, too. We're always going to be here for you, hyung."
It's not often that the younger members reach out to him in this way, especially not Jongin, and it leaves Joonmyun almost speechless.
"That really means a lot to me," Joonmyun says eventually, his voice betrayingly shaky. "Thanks, Jongin."
"Aww, hyung, don't cry." Jongin grins and brushes his thumb along Joonmyun's waterline.
"I'm not crying!" Joonmyun protests. "It's just sweat!"
"Whatever you say. Hey, what's that book you're reading? You looked like you were really into it."
"What? This? Oh, um, it's a manga. Nothing you'd be interested in."
"Of course I am, since you seem to like it so much! I'm curious, can you tell me about it?"
Joonmyun's eyes light up in a way that Jongin rarely sees this up close. He explains the plot, provides thoughtful insight into the characters, and praises the detailed artwork. Joonmyun is absolutely bubbling with enthusiasm as he talks to Jongin, his words flowing out with nervous energy. Jongin listens attentively, absently smiling at Joonmyun's enthusiasm.
Suddenly, he stops himself. "Sorry, I got a little excited. That was probably really boring for you," Joonmyun apologizes self-consciously.
"No, no, don't worry about it, hyung. It's nice listening to you talk about something you really like."
"Really? That's...different. I'm so used to people telling me to shut up." Joonmyun chuckles ruefully, and Jongin's heart squeezes in sympathy.
"I mean it. You can talk to me about anything," Jongin promises, lacing his fingers through Joonmyun's.
Joonmyun doesn't say anything, just smiles gratefully at Jongin and soon dozes off, exhausted by the sudden exertion.
Even after insisting that he was getting better, Joonmyun is still obliged to rest for another day to fully recover. The rest of the group has another grueling day of rehearsal, but Joonmyun remains at the dorm to study Chinese in preparation for their upcoming variety show appearance. He finds it hard to concentrate, though, since learning from a textbook just isn't the same as having someone to talk to. Joonmyun itches to give Yifan another phone call, but he knows that the actor is most likely busy with his own schedules.
Restless and in need of fresh air, Joonmyun pulls on an old pair of sneakers and heads out on foot for his favorite place since his trainee days, the Han River. He brings with him a blanket and some snacks, and he discreetly stops by a comic book store to pick up the latest issues of Star Wars. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise that he has so much time alone, as he is content with spending an afternoon of quiet reading and introspection.
Before he knows it, dark ink has spilled across the sky, and it's too dim to make out the lines on the page. He glances at his phone and is accosted with an endless wall of texts from "My Jongin", "My Sehun", "My Kyungsoo", and "My Chanyeol".
"Uh-oh," Joonmyun whispers out loud. He had been too enraptured by the beauty of the river, gotten too lost in imagining himself swinging his lightsaber. He hadn't told the others where he was going, and he neglected to check his phone throughout the day. They were probably all angry at him for being so careless and irresponsible.
He packs away his belongings and embarks upon the long journey back home. Joonmyun starts to regret his decision to go by foot when his field of vision begins to diminish in the darkness.
"Hyung! Hyung!"
Joonmyun looks up, and there's a small patch of light barreling towards him, accompanied by a deep, familiar voice calling out his name.
It's Chanyeol, steering his bicycle one-handedly and carrying a lantern aloft with his other hand. He screeches to a halt next to Joonmyun, a little too close for comfort.
"Hyung!" he pants with a grin. "We've all been looking for you!"
Joonmyun's stomach sinks with guilt. "Sorry. I just lost track of time. I should have told you guys where I was going."
Chanyeol climbs off his bike and lifts Joonmyun in a giant bear hug, whooping in triumph.
"Don't worry, hyung. All that matters is that you're safe and that I found you. The others didn't believe me, but I just knew that you were going to be here. And I was right!"
"Thanks, Chanyeol," Joonmyun chuckles nervously.
"Where's your bike, hyung?"
"Um, I walked..."
"Oh. That's okay, we can figure something out."
They try various ways of sharing the bicycle seat, but there is no configuration that is comfortable for them both. Chanyeol winds up pulling Joonmyun into his lap, which works, but Joonmyun refuses.
"I can't ride you like this in public, Chanyeol."
"Are you sure, hyung?" Chanyeol asks, cocking an eyebrow. "Because I kinda like the sound of that, myself."
“Chanyeol!” Joonmyun coughs in embarrassment, and Chanyeol laughs, tipping his head back.
“Remember when that one time a fan wrote a story about you being a virgin prude? You sound like that, but in real life.”
Joonmyun tries to subdue his shock, but Chanyeol laughs at his face nevertheless.
“Ah, maybe not, then. It was really funny though, I’ll have to show it to you sometime. You should read the stuff that the fans write about you and me...”
“That’s it, I’m walking.”
Joonmyun hops off the bike, and Chanyeol apologizes, insisting that Joonmyun should ride the bike. Chanyeol ends up walking beside him with a hand on the small of his back as Joonmyun pedals back to the dorm at a snail’s pace.
“What took you so long?” Jongdae asks accusingly when they finally reach the dorm. They’re gathered in the living room, half empty pizza boxes and bottles of soda littered across the floor. Most of the boys are sitting on the sofa or the carpet, but Minseok lingers by the side of the room with an expression of faint disgust. Luhan is next to him, gently petting his head.
“Yeah, sorry about that. We had to walk back,” Chanyeol apologizes. “But this means that I win, right?”
“Win?” Joonmyun asks. He doesn’t know if he likes what that word might imply.
"Yeah, we set up a little contest. Whoever could figure out where you were could kick Sehun out of his room for the night," Chanyeol explains gleefully.
"That's not even a prize," Joonmyun says doubtfully, not quite having a full grasp on the situation.
"Why weren't you at the library? I was sure you were going to be at the library!" Jongdae complains. "You weren't as nerdy as I thought you were going to be, how is that even possible?"
Joonmyun opens his mouth, but he's too exhausted to formulate a comeback.
"Sorry to disappoint you."
"Hyung..." Jongdae's voice drops, low and tender.
Chanyeol scoffs and escorts Joonmyun to his bedroom. He's always been told to stand up taller with his back straighter, but Joonmyun has suddenly lost the will to hold himself with that kind of poise. His feet drag along the carpet, and his spine slumps into an arch decidedly terrible for his posture.
"We're almost there, hyung," Chanyeol murmurs with his hand spanning the small of Joonmyun's back.
"Don't look." Joonmyun changes into a tank top and shorts to sleep in with his last scraps of energy and motivation. "I thought I told you not to look."
"I've seen you change thousands of times," Chanyeol chuckles. "What makes this time any different?"
It's very different, Joonmyun thinks, but he makes no further protest when his head hits the pillow and Chanyeol's arm snakes around his waist. He tries to stay awake so he can enjoy the warmth radiating from Chanyeol's body as it's pressed to his. Joonmyun keeps one hand wrapped around Chanyeol's forearm, fondling the soft skin and tracing the skinny bones in Chanyeol's wrist with his thumb.
Joonmyun loves touching and being touched. He craves simple, physical affection, and nothing makes him happier than when someone reciprocates his affection. Luckily,
Chanyeol has picked up on this, so he cuddles him, planting kisses up and down his neck until they doze off.
When Joonmyun wakes up, Chanyeol is still deep in slumber. He smiles and presses soft pecks to the gently curved apples of Chanyeol's cheeks.
"You did so well, hyung. No reason to be disappointed in yourself."
"Thanks, Yixing."
"I mean it!" Yixing, normally laid back during their moments of repose, is alive with vigor. "Everybody loved your dance. Zhou Mi said he couldn't believe you weren't the maknae, because you were the cutest."
"That was so embarrassing, though," Joonmyun groans.
"Nonsense." Yixing grins and swings an arm around Joonmyun's shoulders. "We both know that you have no sense of shame."
Joonmyun scoffs, but his hand automatically strays to Yixing's bare arm, thicker and more muscled than his own.
"I wanted to speak more, though," Joonmyun admits. "I've been studying Chinese, but it's still not natural for me."
"Aiya, why didn't you say that was what's bothering you? I could help you with speaking, if you want."
"Really?"
"Of course.
Navigating the foreign tones is less intimidating with Yixing's gentle guidance. Joonmyun normally perseveres on his own, pushing himself to understand and improve through sheer discipline and willpower. But with Yixing, it doesn’t feel like he’s forcing himself to learn.
“Ah, not quite like that, hyung. You have to be careful or people think you’re saying something completely different.”
Joonmyun blushes, remembering occasions in which slight mispronunciations resulted in disastrous effects.
“What to I have to do, Yixing?”
“You have to curl your tongue, kind of like this.” The pink dart of Yixing’s tongue edges out, and the sides of his tongue curl up to his upper molars.
Joonmyun's tongue flops around in his mouth, until he gives up, closing his mouth. The corners of his lips tug downwards unhappily.
"Can't do it."
"Of course you can. Let me help."
Yixing parts Joonmyun's lips, gently pressing the swell of his lower lip with his thumb. He tilts his head to slot their mouths together and slips his tongue past Joonmyun's teeth. Joonmyun's jaw goes slack, and he tips his head back at Yixing's gentle tug. Yixing's dexterous tongue curls around his for a heart-racing few seconds.
"Did that help?"
Joonmyun is rendered too dizzy to answer, his heart pounding in his ribcage. He leans in close again to fill the crevice of Yixing's dimple with the tip of his tongue, to the amusement of the Chinese man.
"I don't think that was much of a language lesson..." he finally says.
"Maybe not," Yixing admits, grinning mischievously.
"You're a good kisser," Joonmyun muses. "But I think I'm better."
"Really now. Then maybe you should be the one teaching, hyung."
"I think so, too," Joonmyun agrees.
The frenzied mob pushes in from all sides, leaving the idols little room to breathe, let alone move. There is so much life crammed into one space that it's suffocating, and the airport terminal seems infinitely far away. Joonmyun suddenly feels claustrophobic and agoraphobic, all at once.
He braves the crowd with a smile, knowing the lengths that these fans have gone just to be here to see them off. Please be safe, he prays internally, knowing that some fans are so desperate that they'll do anything to be close to their idols. They take illegal taxis, driven by men eager to take advantage of their desperation. Sometimes they don't make it back home.
Sehun is visibly agitated by how some fans (are they even fans?) are so insistent, so intrusive. It's their vacation, after all, a rare opportunity to breathe easy for a day.
"Don't worry, Sehunnie, we're almost there," Joonmyun reassures him.
The anxiety of the airport is a distant nightmare by the time they're ankle deep in the water.
"When was the last time we went to the beach, gege?" Zitao asks. "I feel like it's been so long."
Joonmyun vividly remembers the last occasion, their New Year's visit to the Winter Sea. It seems like lifetimes ago, a much simpler age.
Sehun blasts a song that Joonmyun vaguely understands, something about being on a boat. He recognizes certain English expletives and frowns, asking Sehun to turn the music down.
"Why, hyung?" he asks, confused.
"It has bad words in it."
"But nobody can understand them since they're in English," Zitao points out. "Wait, how do you know those words?"
"I..." Joonmyun has no good answer, or at least one that he's willing to admit.
Sehun and Zitao share a laugh at their leader's sake, and Joonmyun blinks solemnly.
"Your legs are so pretty, gege," Zitao coos after Joonmyun has climbed onto the boat. "They're so smooth and soft. Like a girl's."
Joonmyun sighs. As if he hasn't heard that one before. Sehun seems to pick up on his exasperation, because he offers, "Come lay with me, hyung."
"I said lay with me, not lay on top of me!" Sehun adds a few moments later.
"That's so cute!" Zitao exclaims. He takes his phone out for a snapshot to commemorate the moment.
While the younger two engage in more adventurous activities, Joonmyun is content with being their photographer and just relaxing on the boat.
But Joonmyun gets his own adventure when he's in the shower later that night. He rinses off the sticky sunscreen residue and lathers shampoo into his hair, singing the K version of Growl. He is just about to reach the rap break when he hears the click of a doorknob.
"What do you need," he calls out, mildly irritated.
"Gege," Zitao's distinctively husky voice greets him.
"Make it quick, and close the door so the cold doesn't get in."
The soft rustle of clothes dropping onto the bathroom floor is muffled by the stream of water beating down on Joonmyun. Suddenly, there's a rush of cold air as the stall door slides open. Joonmyun is blinded by suds and doesn't realize what's going on until he feels two pairs of hands on his chest, back, and waist.
He spasms in shock and jerks around, skidding face-first into a smooth, sculpted chest. He hears Zitao's girlish snickers and Sehun's pubescent, croaky laughter as he wipes his eyes.
"What are you two doing here?"
"It sounded like you were having fun, hyung," Sehun chuckles. "We wanted to join in."
"It's been awhile since we've showered together, gege," Zitao adds.
"Fine," Joonmyun sighs. "Just don't look at me that way. I'm shy."
"Who's been spotting for you?" Zitao asks, ignoring Joonmyun's plea and continuing to ogle his chest.
“Does it matter?” Joonmyun self-consciously tries to shield his pectorals with his hands.
“Your chest has been looking really good lately,” Sehun murmurs appreciatively, taking the bottle of shampoo out of Zitao’s hands. “I didn’t notice until you wore that shirt to the airport. Who have you been working out with?”
“Donghae,” Joonmyun admits. Now that he’s started spending more time with his friends outside his group, he’s reminded of just how much he loves being social.
“No wonder you haven’t been around the dorm so much...I hope you still find time for us, hyung.”
“Don’t be ungrateful, Sehunnie, of course he cares about us. He came here with us, remember?” Zitao scolds.
Joonmyun had originally intended on using his vacation day to visit his family, but the maknaes had been so excited about inviting him. They were elated when he reluctantly agreed, and in the end, the vacation was even better than he could have hoped for.
He towels off while the two younger men are still in the shower. After changing into pajamas, he pulls a sheet and a comforter from one of the beds, as well as a couple pillows. When Sehun and Zitao step out of the bathroom, they find Joonmyun curled up on the floor on his makeshift bed.
"There's no way you're sleeping on the floor, hyung," Sehun announces, nudging Joonmyun with his big toe. "Come on, get up."
"You and Zitao are so big, you need your space," Joonmyun objects.
"We'll be fine," he assures him. When Joonmyun doesn't move, Sehun raises his eyebrows and casts a significant glance towards Zitao.
They wrap the comforter around Joonmyun like a papoose and haul him onto one of the beds, laughing at his indignant groans. Joonmyun rolls over onto his face, his arms still bound by his sides.
"Our hyung is so cute," Sehun notes with delight.
"The cutest," Zitao agrees.
Despite the thick comforter cocooning him in feathery warmth, the AC chill still permeates the down, leaving Joonmyun a shivery bundle under his covers. Finally, he can't take it. He rolls out of bed clutching the comforter around him and blindly shuffles to find the thermostat.
"Fuck," he hisses when a sharp pain shoots up his toe.
"Hyung... Are you alright?" Sehun's voice is sleepy, but concerned.
"Trying to change the temperature... It's way too cold in here."
"Just come here and sleep with us, hyung. We'll keep you warm."
"No, it's fine! You need your space, three people is way too much for one bed."
"Don't make us carry you again," Zitao threatens him.
Joonmyun winds up sandwiched between the two maknaes. There's no way for him to be cold with the way that he's pressed up against Zitao's chest and Sehun is curled around his back. Sehun rests his chin on Joonmyun's shoulder, hooking a leg around the older's waist and slipping it between Joonmyun's thighs. Joonmyun places a hand on Sehun's leg in warning, but Sehun pays no heed. He shifts his leg, rubbing his calf into Joonmyun's crotch.
"What are you doing," Joonmyun wheezes, pressing his thighs together, which only ends up increasing the pressure.
"Getting you hot," Sehun replies. Joonmyun has to admit that it's effective.
"No wonder you were cold," Zitao comments, running his hand across Joonmyun's bare chest. "You need to wear clothes to stay warm, gege."
Joonmyun is unable to respond. Sehun has removed his leg from Joonmyun's crotch region, but he slips his hand into Joonmyun's boxers in its place.
"You smell so good, hyung," Sehun murmurs into neck. His lips graze along Joonmyun's skin as he palms the leader’s cock.
Before, Joonmyun had been too cold, but now he has the opposite problem. His body flashes hot at Sehun’s touch, and he feels heat rising in his cheeks and his chest.
Sehun continues to stroke Joonmyun's hardening length, and Zitao muffles Joonmyun's groan with his mouth.
Feeling a building throb beneath his palm, Sehun trails his fingers through his pubic hair and out of his boxers.
"Just hold on a little bit, okay?"
The sudden loss of stimulation makes Joonmyun want to cry out in frustration. But soon, his need to be touched is satisfied when Sehun repositions himself between Joonmyun's legs under the sheets. His cock is enveloped in a tight, slick warmth when Sehun takes him in until Joonmyun nudges the back of his throat.
"Fuck," Joonmyun growls, on the edge of orgasm. Without thinking, he grabs fistfuls of Sehun's hair, who moans with Joonmyun's cock still in his mouth. He swallows every drop of Joonmyun's cum and continues to mouth at his cock until Joonmyun is too oversensitive to tolerate any more stimulation.
"I'm so sorry," Joonmyun whispers, massaging Sehun's scalp with his fingertips as he resurfaces from under the sheets.
"What are you talking about, hyung." Sehun yawns, shifting into a more comfortable position.
"I didn't mean to pull your hair...did it hurt? I hope I didn't hurt you."
"Go to sleep, gege," Zitao commands. "Sehun will be okay."
Sehun reaches across Joonmyun to pinch Zitao's neck.
"Don't worry about it, hyung," Sehun assures him. With his lips close enough to brush Joonmyun's ear, he adds, "It actually felt really good."
Everybody seems to eye Joonmyun suspiciously when he and the maknaes return from vacation.
"Maybe it was the way you were hanging from Sehun's back at the airport," Minseok suggests after Joonmyun asks him why the other members have been welcoming him back with underlying passive-aggressiveness.
"But...we had a really great time together."
"It seems like you did." Minseok smiles and claps Joonmyun on the shoulder.
Still, Joonmyun is somewhat dissatisfied. They couldn't simply be jealous, could they?
"Remember when you told all of us that we should visit our families whenever we have a chance, since family is ultimately more important than anything?" Luhan asks, raising an eyebrow. "What kind of message do you think it sends when you tell everyone they should spend more time with their families, but then you allow those two to plan their own vacation and bring you along."
"Sehunnie and Zitao are like family to me." It's a half-hearted defense, but Joonmyun understands now. Hypocrisy wouldn't sit well with him either.
"What about the rest of us? What if we wanted to spend vacation with you, too?" Minseok questions.
This has Joonmyun chuckling. "I think most of the group was glad to have a break from seeing me, if only for a day."
Minseok and Luhan exchange glances. Luhan nods at him, and Minseok turns back to Joonmyun.
"Lu-ge and I were going to go out this afternoon, do you want to join us?"
Joonmyun's eyes light up at the invitation, and he nods eagerly.
Luhan smiles broadly and ruffles Joonmyun's hair. "You went on vacation with the maknaes, but sometimes the hyungs want your attention, too."
But Joonmyun feels like he's the one being paid attention to when Luhan and Minseok spoil him with mocha bread and an Americano from his favorite cafe during their date that afternoon.
Days after the concerts in Bangkok,
Joonmyun is still reeling from when Jongdae had unexpectedly tried to make out with him onstage. The plan was for Jongdae to take Luhan's place for the "kiss", but Jongdae had gone rogue and tried to pursue Joonmyun instead. Staggering away, Joonmyun had pressed his hand to his mouth in disbelief. Had Jongdae's lips actually touched his in public, in front of so many onlookers?
He prowls the internet for photos and fancams for confirmation, but the camera angles are ambiguous at best. With a mixture of conflicting feelings, Joonmyun stares at a high quality fansite photo that makes it look unambiguously like Jongdae is kissing him.
"Did that actually happen?" he mutters to himself.
"I was wondering the same thing myself."
Joonmyun startles, switching tabs in a panic. "Lu-ge! You scared me!"
A smile plays at his lips. "Don't worry, I've looked at fansites, too. Of Minseok, that is. No need to feel ashamed."
"Thanks," Joonmyun laughs weakly. "I feel so much better now."
"That's what hyungs are for."
Good morning, hyung! ^^
Joonmyun smiles before pressing "send". A few seconds later, he receives a reply.
Good morning to you, Joonmyunie! Ready to go?
Yes, see you in a few minutes!
At 5:22 am, Joonmyun meets Donghae outside of the SM Building. Donghae is already jogging in place, warming up his circulatory system.
"What took you so long? Turning into an old man already?" Donghae accuses jokingly.
Joonmyun bends over, pretending to wheeze, and Donghae laughs. But ten kilometers later, Donghae is the one staggering to a halt, with Joonmyun still jogging in circles around him.
"I think it's time to call it quits,” Donghae gasps. “I can smell you from over here, Joonmyunie.”
“Hyung!”
“Just kidding.” Donghae tickles his side fondly. “You’re my favorite dongsaeng, you know that?”
Joonmyun grins and ducks his head shyly. “Thank you.”
“Hey, just thank you? No ‘you’re my favorite hyung, too’?” Donghae asks with mock outrage.
“Ah…um...you’re my favorite, too, Donghae-hyung,” Joonmyun finally says quietly. “Just...don’t tell the others, please?”
“Of course I won’t, Joonmyunie. Let’s clean up and meet up again in the weight room, sound good?”
“Sounds great, hyung.”
It’s been awhile since they’ve had a chance to exercise together, which is why Joonmyun is especially grateful for the short break between concerts. He washes his face and changes into a thin long sleeve shirt that clings to his body. He swings a towel around his neck and meets Donghae by the Olympic bench.
“Do you want to go first, or do you want to spot for me?” Donghae asks.
"I'll go first," Joonmyun volunteers, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows and straddling the bench. He rolls his wrists and settles back onto the bench so that he's laying down, with Donghae looming over him.
"Wait, don't start just yet, let me check something first," Donghae says when Joonmyun grips the grooves on the weight bar.
Joonmyun watches curiously as Donghae reaches down to squeeze his flexed bicep.
"What was that for?"
"I just wanted to check to see if that was real muscle."
"...What?"
"Your arms have been so bulky lately, Joonmyunie, I wasn't sure if it was real or if you stuffed your sleeves with cotton," Donghae teases.
"Hyung! Why are you like this to me?!" Joonmyun protests, but he is secretly flattered.
"Since I've told you that you're my favorite dongsaeng and all, I think I have the right to make fun of you."
"You'd make fun of me either way!"
"I guess that's true," Donghae agrees with a laugh. "Ready? One...two...three, go!"
He gently guides Joonmyun with his hands on the weight bar and then lets go as Joonmyun lowers it to his chest. Joonmyun pushes himself through fifteen repetitions, telling himself that the kilograms of metal he's bench pressing are nothing compared to the weight of responsibility he carries with him every day. Halfway through his second set, his arms start shaking, and he feels the ache of his torn muscle fibers.
"Do you want to keep going?" Donghae asks, his hands hovering over the bar to catch it if needed.
"Yeah," Joonmyun grunts.
By the time he reaches his last repetition, Joonmyun's eyes are welling up from the exertion. He lowers the bar back onto the rack and continues to lie down on the bench, chest heaving.
"Come on, let's switch," Donghae suggests, poking him in the side. "Wait a second, are you crying, Joonmyunie?"
"It's just sweat!" he objects, wiping his eyes and trying to sit up again.
"Careful, watch your head. Or you might actually start crying."
"Will not," Joonmyun grumbles under his breath, swinging his legs over onto one side and standing up.
"What was that, Joonmyunie?" Donghae asks as he stacks more weight onto the bar before lowering himself onto the bench.
"Nothing, hyung." Joonmyun flashes him an innocent grin. "Ready? One...two...three, go!"
After they've completed a circuit through the weight room, Donghae swings his arm around Joonmyun's shoulders.
"Good job today, Joonmyunie. You've worked hard."
"Thanks, hyung." He beams back at Donghae and squeezes his hand.
"We should do this again, soon, if you have time."
"Maybe after we get back from Beijing," Joonmyun says apologetically.
"Ah, that's a long time to wait... You have to promise you'll have dinner with Siwon and me, too."
"Of course, hyung," Joonmyun giggles. "I'd love to."
"What? Is this true, Joonmyunie? You told Donghae that he's your favorite?"
Joonmyun stares straight across the table at Donghae with a melting look of accusation and betrayal.
"It’s true," Donghae snickers. "He told me at the gym the other day."
"I'm deeply hurt, Joonmyunie. I'm sorry to say this, but you are no longer allowed to be called the next Choi Siwon."
Joonmyun is caught between Donghae's smug grin and Siwon's affronted demeanor. Trying to rescue Siwon's esteem, Joonmyun offers, "But I sat with you, Siwon-hyung, didn't I?"
“That’s right.” Siwon puts a hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder, lifting his eyebrows pointedly at Donghae, who takes it as a challenge.
“But Joonmyunie and I have an entire exercise regimen together.”
“But I taught Joonmyunie how to dance.”
“I think there’s only one way to find out who his real favorite hyung is. Joonmyunie, why don’t you tell us yourself?” Donghae asks teasingly.
“Hyungs, why do you do this to me....” Joonmyun groans, and they laugh, watching him expectantly. He takes a moment to think and then decides, “Jonghyun-hyung.”
“Ah, we should have expected that,” Siwon sighs.
“Joonmyunie has so many friends, of course we can’t expect to be his favorites,” Donghae agrees. “You’re really living it up, little wolf, aren’t you?”
“I guess,” Joonmyun shrugs.
“Is there anyone you haven’t made friends with yet?” Siwon asks curiously.
“I’ve always wanted to meet Bangtan’s Seokjin,” Joonmyun admits. “I’ve heard we have some things in common.”
He leans back in his chair, sated and smiling, with an empty plate in front of him.
"I think our Joonmyunie has eaten himself silly," Donghae laughs, and Joonmyun just nods slowly, still smiling through his catatonic state.
"I don't understand how you're still so cute after all these years," Siwon says.
"You should have seen him when we first met in the weight room. He approached me and asked so politely if Donghae-sunbaenim could show him how to bench press. And he used to always carry a notebook with him to keep track of his exercise. What happened to that notebook, Joonmyunie?"
"I use my phone now," Joonmyun explains.
"Is that right? I was wondering what you even used that phone of yours for."
Joonmyun doesn't mention that most of his storage is occupied by his favorite anime episodes, as well as the original Star Wars trilogy to marathon during long flights.
“Thanks for inviting me, hyung-nims,” Joonmyun says as they’re about to part ways, bending over in a deep bow. He somehow manages to embarrass himself as he leaves, much to the amusement of the other two.
After their last concert in Osaku, the members gather for what will be their last few hours spent together for the year. It's been twelve long months of hardships, some of which were to be expected, others that could not possibly have been foreseen. There are fewer people gathered around Joonmyun than there were at this time exactly one year ago. But despite everything, Joonmyun feels nothing but appreciation for the individuals sitting around him.
He clears his throat, and the quiet chatter subsides.
"I just want to say, I'm so proud of all of you. Of us. I know that we have all been hurt and more tired than we could ever imagine. But we're like a family, and so must we stay strong for each other. And though I might not be a good group leader, probably even a terrible one, thank you for believing in me. I know that we'll take care of each other always."
He kneels on the floor before the others, bowing in a show of deep gratitude for his members, but he is quickly pulled backwards by the waist into someone's lap.
"Joonmyunie-hyung," Sehun hums with his chin on Joonmyun's shoulder. "You're the best. We love you."
The others murmur and nod in agreement, and Joonmyun ends up getting passed from member to member for each of them to demonstrate their affection for him.
When he ends up in Jongdae's lap, the younger vocalist whispers in his ear, "Even after people forget about EXO, we'll always remember how good you were to us, hyung."