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Derek Morgan was sitting in the back of the jet, alone with his headphones blaring in his ears. Rock music, impersonal and powerful and healing blared through his speakers, pounding away the painful betrayal of having his deepest and darkest secrets told.
He could feel heavy eyes watching him: his oldest lover. He could feel compassionate and sympathetic eyes begging him to just speak about it: his youngest lover. He couldn't help but wonder what it meant for him to pursue relationships with both men, especially when they were so drastically different and demanded completely different things from him.
He didn't want to talk about what they'd learned. He didn't want to talk about his frustration and embarrassment. About the abuse he'd suffered at Buford's hands. About his inability to be strong and protect himself and those who came after him.
He bowed his head, not even worried about hiding his overly abused emotions. It was hard on the heart to live through the emotional abuse that came with pedophilic manipulation so suddenly and quickly. He hadn't counted on visiting his family and telling his coworkers about his childhood experiences in the same week.
Dark hands traced his distraught face, smoothing away the imperfections his heightened emotional state had put on display. He needed to be strong. He needed to protect the boy and the man he was so intimately involved with. He needed to show them especially that he didn't care that he'd been hurt so long ago, that it didn't matter, and that he was still the same as he ever was.
Derek didn't know how he would sleep with them, with either of them, much less both, tonight.
Spencer Reid watches the dark man in the back of the plane. His beautiful dark lover, his tormented and abused lover. There is so much he still doesn't know about Derek, so much that he wants to know. And one day, he will know everything about him- about both men, without the many tricks he has in profiling.
He wants to help him. He wants to save Derek from his pain and his fears, but it is nigh impossible. The black man is fiercely protective of his privacy, as everyone is. This is something Spencer should have been privy to, something Derek should have trusted him enough to divulge. And if not Spencer, than at least to Jason.
But that doesn't matter anymore, not really. He has to focus on the now, on the fact that Derek feels painfully exposed and dangerously open. And Spencer needs to let Derek know that no matter what, it is okay. He won't judge his darker lover.
He nods his shaggy head and pulls his cell out. Derek is suffering, and Spencer wants to help him, but there will be nothing if they don't broach the fluorescent elephant in the room. Quickly, with practiced ease, he texts: 'I don't want to discuss what happened or how we found out. I just want to be there when my lover needs me.'
Derek nearly jumped when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled the slender razor free and flipped it open. A single message from Spencer and as Derek read it, he couldn't stop the grin that broke the melancholic aura.
His youngest lover was offering him exactly what he needed to hear, what he needed. Jason would not be understanding or open to letting Derek work these things out on his own. And Spencer's assertion, his promise that he would just 'be there' was all he needed.
Derek nodded slowly, letting his young and beautiful lover know that he had gotten it, that he appreciated the gesture. He would spend the night in Spencer's bed, praying the nightmares didn't return.
His phone vibrated once more and Derek flipped it open curiously. 'No matter what happened, Derek, I still love you more than anything or anyone else in the world.'
''Spencer,'' Derek calls confusedly.
''What is it?'' the slender man asks as he pokes his head out of the adjoining bathroom.
''Thank you,'' Derek murmurs softly, slurring as he slides further, sleepily, into the bed. Spencer knows he should feel bad about drugging his lover, but he can't find it in himself to care. It is what his lover needed in that moment of weakness, before they go to bed. Drugged, Derek won't have to fight for sleep knowing that the nightmares will assault him.
Spencer smiles as he watches his dark skinned lover relax in the arms of sleep. It will probably be a long night for Spencer, while he mulls over what he's learned. Derek is a braver, stronger, and much more admirable person than he would have ever thought or dreamed. It doesn't inspire pity or regret; it doesn't inspire fear that he might hurt the dark man. In fact, the only thing that Spencer feels differently is a deep desire to understand, and to stand just as strongly beside his lover.
''Hey,'' Jason spoke softly, considerate of Spencer sleeping in the bedroom. Derek smiled slightly at the older man and ran his hands over his face. ''Spence sleeping?'' he asked uselessly.
''Yeah. He slipped me something, but stayed up to think.''
''Let's talk, you and I,'' Gideon invited. ''Let's talk about Chicago and let's talk about us. And us three.''
''Let's just talk about us,'' Derek whispered, even though he knew it would be useless. Far too much had happened to just let it be ignored.
''There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, you know that Derek. I love you, and I hate that your secrets were exposed like this. But it points to a lot of really important things we need to talk about. 'Derek, can I hold you?'' Jason asked in a voice that was both considerate and thoughtful.
It took him a long minute to process the question, to accept the weight of what that would mean. Of the physical contact with the older man, the first since he'd exposed himself so painfully, so unwillingly. The hesitation was all Jason needed.
''I threaten you. You know I'm not going to hurt you, but you're threatened by me anyhow,'' Jason stated simply.
Derek looked away, shamefully aware that his older lover was right. He couldn't explain it either. Chicago scared him. The memories of Chicago scared him. The pain of Chicago scared him. ''Jason,'' Derek whispered softly, wringing his hands together.
''Derek, I love you,'' Jason said simply. There was nothing else to say in the wake of the terrifying honesty. ''I won't hurt you. I won't betray you. I won't continue when you say no.''
''You... you aren't the problem,'' Derek murmured softly. ''I'm not scared of you. I'm scared of... I'm scared of what happened. Of what the pain was like. You aren't him. You're good to me. To Spencer. I'm just... alpha males.''
''Come to me,'' Jason ordered softly. He shifted slightly on the couch and opened his arms expectantly. ''Take your time, all the time you need, but come to me.''
Derek watched the older man warily. He let his dark eyes roam the aged and handsome face curiously. He searched the older man's face eagerly, seeking the truth, the honesty in his words. He was looking for the safety he'd felt with Jason for so long already.
He licked his lips hungrily and stood in a soft, fluid movement. It was two purposeful steps to Jason and he looked down at the older man. ''I'm scared, Jason,'' he admitted as he fell into the older man's arms.
The black man shivered before the tears started to fall earnestly. Jason's arms were strong when they wrapped completely around Derek, holding him as close as he could. Gentle kisses blessed Derek's face and neck, comforting and promising as the man cried.
Spencer is bothered by something. And for a long minute, he lays in bed and wonders about it before it comes to him. It's the lack of body heat beside him, his lover is awake, and somewhere else. He stretches languidly, enjoying the warm, comfortable bed for a minute longer before he forces himself up.
He takes a minute because he can hear the soft rumbling of voices in the other room. It's comforting because it means he's not alone and Derek isn't dealing with pain alone.
He doesn't say anything as he walks into the living room, smiling at the pair on the couch. Derek is curled into Jason's arms, shuddering as he cries. They're a complicated relationship, and where Spencer falls short in physical protection, Jason picks up the slack. Where Jason lacks emotional support, Spencer picks it up. They are a complicated mixture, but effective, and generally, very happy.
''Spence,'' Jason murmurs softly, gesturing the thin man forward. ''Come, he trusts us.''
Derek shivered when Jason moved his hand, comforted by the fact that it was Spencer, proof that he was safe. Spencer hadn't let Jason spend the night last night either because of the consideration he had for Derek's feelings, for the way the black man needed simply to process his lack of secrecy, his destroyed trust.
The slight weight of the thin man behind him made him sigh in contentment as he burrowed closer to Jason's steadily pounding heart. Spencer, for whatever reason it was, provided the perfect balance between the two decidedly alpha males.
Derek felt inexplicably relaxed between this men, knew there was nothing else. He was safe with Jason holding him, with Spencer supporting and encouraging him.
He wanted to move and he wanted to show his lovers that he would heal. That he would get stronger and be better. And all he could think about was how perfectly he felt between the two men.
Spencer hates watching Derek sleep sometimes. Especially on nights like this, when nightmares assault him, fears overwhelm him, and the powerful man who was usually protecting everyone else is in need of protection. Spencer is relieved to know that his experience with his mother has given him a lot of experience he can draw from.
Where he would have normally taken Derek into his arms, he knows better. What Derek needs is a sense of control. He needs to know that there will be somebody left in his life that he can protect. He needs to know that saying ‘no' is an option available to him. He doesn't have to take it, not anymore. He's stronger than that.
Spencer sighs as he curls himself around Derek's body, his head against Derek's chest, encouraging comfort as he relaxes. Encouraging Derek to breath easy. Nightmares are hard on everyone, but when they're visual replays of a past you're decidedly traumatized by, it's harder to forget.
He relaxes against Derek's chest. Lets his body heat and comforting presence be enough. He presses gentle, loving kisses to Derek's clothed collarbone. Derek hasn't slept naked since Chicago. It is a gift Spencer misses, but a reaction he understands.
He is starting to drift back to sleep against Derek's steadily moving chest when strong and calloused hands trace his slender hips. He's curious about how Derek would react to those strong hands- hands he used to relish losing himself in- tracing his body instead.
Spencer arches his body just enough to give Jason a little bit of free reign to his slender body. There is safety and comfort and love in this position between Derek and Jason. Spencer can't remember the last time he was comfortable and it's so easy to relax. He wants to give this to Derek, the shared feeling of complete and utter love available nowhere else.
But Derek is asleep so it won't happen tonight. Instead, he allows Jason to curl against his back, relishing the feel of both men, both of his lovers.
''Love you,'' Spencer whispers against Derek's chest. He shivers when the sentiment is returned against his naked shoulder.