Work Text:
bennett is tired. he is so, so tired.
he smiles. he laughs. he goes on about his day in the usual manner, as if nothing is amiss.
but the pounding pressure behind his eyes increases every waking moment, and the burning behind his eyes visits him too many times.
—
he remembers the people in his adventure team. he misses them so much, but they only seem disgusted at his presence. his mind replays their faces, their expressions until they are burned into his memory. he wishes he could forget.
he remembers the knights of favonius. their hesitance to talk to him, to be around him, and he.. he hates it. he wants to be someone normal .
but.. he know that’s not possible.
he thinks back to the looks, the jeers, the quips he gained today. his smile felt so, so heavy on his face.
sometimes he wishes he could bury himself into the dirt, halfway to liyue, far away from everyone and everything. if only to not inconvenience anyone any further.
—
he falls into bed every night. he dreams of the same faces.
he remembers barbara’s face when he went to get healed last week. he remembers the disappointment, the exasperation. he doesn’t want to make people feel like that. but he can’t help it. from then on, he healed himself with his own powers. the church never looked any colder than it did that day.
he remembers how fischl looked at him yesterday, and he oh so wishes to forget. the upturn of her lips, the narrowing of her eyes and the way she spoke. and maybe he’s reading too much into this but he doesn’t want to annoy anyone. so he keeps his distance.
he sees razors face in his dreams. he sees razor actions in his dreams. he hears razors words in his dreams. or are they truly dreams if he wakes up shaking, crying, unable to get out of bed for hours and he is so weak for that. he really doesn’t deserve what he has. wolvendom is somewhere he doesn’t want to visit anymore.
he hears kaeya's teasing lilt when he’s alone in the woods. he feels it echo in his ears, mocking him in ways he doesn’t understand and he just wants to be alone . he comes to dislike the color blue, avoiding the glimpses he gets in his rare strolls through the city. some days, he wishes he was never found and brought here, if he were to just make everyone’s lives harder.
he dreams of klee. he dreams of her happy smile, of her cheerful nature, of how she made him feel accepted -
( he tries not to dream of the words he heard her say, the warning she didn’t understand. he leaves, for her own good. for her own good. )
—
he.. doesn't want to dream anymore. he sleeps less, goes home less, talks less.
no one notices. no one cares. he spends his days and nights out in the wilderness, hunting, fighting, healing, barely surviving.
( some days he wonders if anyone noticed how he hasn’t stepped foot in the city for nearly three weeks, and some days he realizes that he’s not wanted . those are the days in which he finds the ground wet by his tears and breathing getting more difficult by the second. )
—
he fights for hours on end one day, not stopping to breath. he passed out in the middle of a field, dismissing the aching of his bones and the way his wounds scream for the soothing hydro of barbara’s healing.
( his healing is one part actual healing and two parts scorching painful burns. scrapes on his arm go untended, for he would rather suffer the blood and infection than mare his skin with more white, malformed scars. he’s already unsightly enough )
—
he’s nudged awake by a bright green person, nearly glowing in their beauty. the person says they saw him and grew concerned, and bennett wants to erase his existence from the surface of the earth. he makes up some excuse and forces his too-tired muscles to stumble away, ignoring the person's calls.
—
he’s spent so long away from mondstadt. he nearly wants to go back. he sets his sights on the mountain in the distance, desolate and ruthless to anyone who enters.
perfect , he thinks. alone. cold, whites blues and greens, solitary in its very essence. he wishes he could live there forever, not bothering anyone or anything.
( he knows he’s not going there to live, but he can dream in the moments he gets to breathe . )
he nearly regrets his choice of clothing, sheer light material with many, many openings. and then he realized it would be beneficial to his purpose. he nearly smiles, the feeling foreign on his face.
he remembers the people in mondstadt, the people he perhaps liked? loved? he doesn’t.. he doesn’t know how he feels anymore and he finds he doesn’t particularly care.
( his mind still plays the records of happier times before everything fell apart, and all he can do it wonder, what was it that he had done to ruin everything? )
the snow cuts into his skin, unforgiving and unyielding. he shudders in his clothing, pulling his googles over his eyes. he makes sure to enter in an area where no one else was stationed, set on avoiding everyone.
( he misses people, archons , he just wants to see everyone and hug them and apologize and make up and be happy - but he knows it’s only a fantasy. he lets three tears slip out of his eyes, freezing on his lashes before he wiped them away. he needs to pull himself together. )
he finds a spot in the mountain side, white with snow and nearly impossible to find. he settles into the smallest crevice he could find, hysterically comparing it to a cold, burning hug. he buries his face into his arms, curling into himself and smiles.
finally, no one will have to be bothered by me again.
—
he is found, days upon days later, by three people.
( fischl sobs into barbara’s shoulder as razor frantically tries to shake bennett awake. they find comfort in each other, shaking, crying in each other presence. the loss they share is debilitating. )
the people of mondstadt mourn. the boy stays dead. the green person is somewhere in the wilderness, cradling the poor soul in the arms of their wind. they hope he finds peace in the afterlife, if he couldn’t find one in this city, among these people.
( the bard is at a loss. for someone who preaches freedom, they wish the boy never had the freedom to do this . )
—
bennett watched from the clouds, even more alone but at the same time, he has never been so close to anyone in his life. he watches over the people he loved, until one by one, they joined him.
( tearful hellos and angry questions, but he has never felt so warm in his life. )
he knows he is loved, and he will stay loved, in this world where everyone is with him.
and for once, he allows himself to feel loved, and to give love back.
fin.