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The forest never ended. Some believed that was a given, but Levi believed, regardless of religion, that the absence of anything other than trees and mud and bugs beyond the Walls had to be some kind of betrayal. All the fighting, all the death, all the pain, just to end up in an maze as confining as the Walls? Levi couldn't decide if the outcome was a cruel joke or a shameful anticlimax. Either way, it was a tragedy.
His entire life, he assumed that freedom from the Walls would feel only right. Instead, everything about his situation felt wrong—and not just where he was, which couldn't be described more accurately than very far beyond anywhere anyone had ever been.
Levi was not dead, which was wrong. He should have died while the young brats full of life and vitality lived to continue humanity's legacy; that was how history was supposed to go. Levi had no delusions he was in any kind of story, but for the sake of all the people who doubtlessly were delusional about their place in reality, he considered the uncertain and messy result of the war and the Walls particularly unjust.
Erwin was not dead either, which was also wrong. Levi was relieved not to be the only human left living, but Erwin Smith was Commander of Survey Corps, and self-sacrifice was most likely in the job description—if not synonymous with the job. Erwin knew that, of course, and Levi knew it wasn't for lack of trying that left Erwin’s final duty unfulfilled save for a missing forearm. Not that his title as Commander meant anything now.
Least expected and most wrong of all was Levi and Erwin ending up side by side in the end.
And if the endless forest was any indication, this was definitely the end.
*
It was too wet for a fire again. Levi didn't give a damn, and he felt a twinge of satisfaction when Erwin didn’t attempt to make one either. Perhaps hopeless despair was finally setting in for Erwin, but Levi doubted it. Why Erwin had kept up a strong-willed attitude for so long was a mystery.
As the sun set, Erwin made no attempt at setting up any kind of camp, either. But he did suggest they sleep up in the trees, even though there was hardly any point in hiding anymore; they hadn't seen a titan in weeks.
"Why?" Levi asked.
Erwin’s expression was unreadable, as usual. “I have a bad feeling."
Levi questioned Erwin no further and used his gear to find a decent branch to trust for the night. Erwin followed, and before long they were perched high in the canopy of trees. They watched the sky’s final glow fade beneath the horizon.
It wasn't fair, how the two most capable members of the scouting legion ended up together, leaving anyone else who may still be alive to fend for themselves—or so Erwin seemed to think. Levi disagreed. The unfairness began and ended with their lives and others' deaths. Everything else was details.
But some details were more important than others, Levi did not add aloud.
He wasn’t surprised when they encountered a titan that night. Erwin got things right more often than most people. Too bad “more often than most” still hadn’t been enough. But who, if not Erwin, could have predicted the ambush that hit them only ten days after abandoning the Walls?
The moon was nearly full, and the outline of the bald titan's huge, ugly body was clearly visible. It lumbered by them, grunting and breathing loudly. Levi decided to leave it alone, too tired and hungry to kill anything larger than a beetle. Even Erwin pretended like he wasn’t interested, but Levi wasn’t holding his breath for that final act of hopelessness. Sure enough, as Levi feigned sleep, Erwin slipped away. The titan had wandered far enough away that the noise of its death wasn't louder than a human’s moan.
Maybe it was seeing a titan, maybe it was killing it, but Erwin was even quieter than usual the next day. The day after that, they didn't speak at all. There was no need to—for years Levi had come to appreciate the clear and effective channel of communication between them. Although now, Levi was beginning to wonder if it their channel had any benefit anymore. If the only thing that passed between them was pain.
"How do you know we aren't going in circles?" Levi asked, just for the sake of hearing someone speak. A light rain began to fall.
"We've been going north. I've oriented us every morning."
Levi knew that. Levi knew that Erwin knew Levi knew that. Conversation was as hopeless as everything else when there was nothing to talk about except food and their lack of it.
They only came out of the ambush with one terrified horse, and she'd been put to sleep before she could starve to death. She fed them for a while, and they used their gear to travel instead. Eventually they learned to use their gear without gas once they ran out, just as Erwin learned to use his gear with one arm. Hours and hours on end everyday, moving further and further into the forest…
…until they both realized they were only going nowhere faster.
"There," Erwin said suddenly, crouching behind a tree.
Levi saw the deer instantly and climbed high into the trees, using his gear as quietly as possible, until the deer was positioned between him and Erwin. Then he dived down, blade wielded. He heard the sickening thud over the wind in his ears. Erwin disposed with the head before Levi could land.
As they examined the bleeding carcass, Levi felt smaller than usual.
The rain petered out by mid-morning, and it took the entire afternoon for Erwin to harvest the meat one-handed while Levi tried to start a fire. Everything was damp, making his job was nearly impossible, but the promise of cooked meat was incentive enough. They had done this time and time again since the beginning of the end. He should be used to the difficulties by now, he thought.
Why he was bothering to get used to anything, he didn’t know.
*
Erwin didn't compliment his successful fire in words, but tended it to it late into the night. He took first watch, too. Levi probably should have relieved him at some point—especially considering he couldn’t sleep anyhow—but he didn’t offer that night.
Levi and Erwin never complained about the struggle of sleep, even when he felt tired enough to lay in thorns. It was an unspoken fact that staying awake was almost always preferable. The nightmares were as endless and dark as the forest.
And that night, like most nights, he dreamt of the ambush.
An ungodly amount of titans upon opening his eyes, barely any light to see in the dead of night, too many screams to tell anyone apart. Hundreds had been evicted from the Walls, thousands more had left voluntarily.
But by morning, Levi was alone.
He wandered aimlessly amongst the corpses of human and titan for hours. For a while, he tried to put names to faces or at least commit faces to memory as some kind of apology. But there were so many that Levi quickly found it hard to look at faces at all.
There were some specific faces he couldn’t find, and Levi didn't know whether to feel anxious or relieved. He ultimately decided to consider everyone dead, since it was impossible for any of the brats to live on their own in the wild—assuming they weren’t already in the stomach of one of the titans around him.
No one hadn't been properly prepared. Levi had no idea how much of the provisions were destroyed by titans or saved by people who might have escaped, but even if some lucky soul managed to take something, it wouldn’t last long.
Levi found a flask of hard liquor and drank that as he continued to walk around the impromptu battleground. He didn't didn't know what he was looking for, but there was something. Levi knew there was something, but his dreaming mind was useless. He started to run methodically through the rows of bodies. He flew over the acres of massacre with his gear, increasingly desperate to find whatever it was he was looking for. He couldn't find it. And he couldn't find it. And he couldn't find—
Levi opened his eyes. Erwin knelt by him, hand on his shoulder. “Just a dream."
Erwin understood there was no solace in waking up to “just a nightmare” if the waking world was no less unpleasant. Dreams, at least, were never real. Or realized.
Sweat covered Levi head to foot, and for the first and last time, the cooling air was a good thing.
*
Soon enough, Erwin commented on the change in temperature.
"Think its time to skin animals for fur?"
Levi shrugged. Erwin stared at him, and Levi stared back. We'll die of the cold anyway, they knew.
Nevertheless, they scavenged and skinned furs for the next month and a half. They got by on rainwater stored in containers abandoned the day of the ambush and on their strictly rationed store of meat and berries. Their maneuver gear became less necessary as their hunting skills improved, but neither of them suggested abandoning it.
There were too many hours of light, and far too many hours of dark. Too many hours to think. Levi wondered if Erwin still held out hope for other survivors. Maybe he was trying to make up for his mistakes by resolving to keep Levi alive. Or maybe he was just punishing himself for living by continuing to live. Maybe they both were.
Too much time to speculate about what went on in Erwin's head all day. Self-pity and strategy, Levi guessed. Cynicism came more easily to him when they traveled in the rain.
He refused to fully acknowledge what their silent channel told him Erwin really thought about.
The moment they donned their crude fur cloaks was the same moment that cold turned very cold. Luckily they had found a small pond two days before and taken the opportunity to bathe. After all, they wouldn't be removing any kind of clothing again until Spring, if they lived to see it.
A large tree protected them from the wind that first freezing night. Erwin sat closer to Levi than usual, and Levi took it as the invitation it was. He moved as close to him as possible, tucking himself into Erwin's side and stealing a corner of his cloak to shield his face.
He slept better than he had in a while, without any dreams at all. At dawn, Levi detached himself from the arm wrapped around him. It was a clear day and the sun was bright.
Yet when he saw the blood dripping from Erwin's lips, Levi could have sworn the sky went black.
Without thinking, he brought two fingers up to Erwin’s neck. Levi’s eyes were painfully wide, as if he would be able to see the verdict. When he felt a pulse, he sat back on his heels and breathed in deep. Blood rushed in his head far too loudly.
All at once, Levi felt more exhausted than he had before he slept. Too tired even to feel stupid for panicking over a split lip.
Levi heard Erwin talking to him, but he closed his eyes and ignored him. Images of bloody, sleepy faces from the ambush’s aftermath filled his mind’s eye. His head ached with the blaring reminder that death could return any moment and leave him utterly alone.
When he opened his eyes again, there was a canister of water in his face, and Levi gathered himself enough to drink without choking. When his mind began to work again, he asked, “The water wasn’t even frozen?”
Erwin shook his head, and Levi realized they were in for a hell that was frozen over at the very least.
The blood on Erwin’s lips was gone.
*
The weeks that followed were brutal. Levi finally understood the usefulness of a beard. Living as they had in the summer and autumn was a lost cause; the cold made them too tired to walk longer than a few hours at a time. Water was easier to come by with snow around, but that mercy was checked by the dramatically increased difficulty of hunting. The animals they came across were no less quick while Erwin and Levi were more sluggish by the day. The maneuver gear had to be used more often to keep it from freezing, and that worked counter to their energy to use it at all.
They eventually agreed to build a more substantial cover, but their late decision made lugging around logs and sticks and evergreen branches all the harder. Levi didn’t mention how they should have settled in for the winter sooner. They were both so accustomed to staying on the move that the idea of settling anywhere beyond the Walls hadn’t even entered their minds. But they had a new, tangible goal, and Levi felt giddy at the idea of being able to block the cutthroat wind.
As soon as they completed a stable lean-to, built against the side of the widest tree they’d seen in twenty miles, they collapsed inside and let out a collective sigh. There was barely enough room for the two of them, but they were finally protected from the worst of the wind.
They accepted it was all for not.
Levi was more tired, hungry, weak, and cold than he’d ever been in his life. Erwin was clearly in a similar state. The day had been colder than most of the preceding nights, which served as a sentencing for what that night would be like.
He cleared his throat and said, “Erwin Smith, you’ve traveled thousands of treacherous miles, hunted hundreds of dangerous animals, and now have built a palace in a forest in the dead of winter—all with one arm. I think it’s only fair that I bestow the honor of Humanity’s Second Strongest unto you. Congratulations.” He trusted Erwin to hear the pride behind the sarcasm.
Erwin laughed, and Levi couldn’t help but smile, too. It felt foreign, but good. Really good—or maybe the exhaustion was turning him neurotic. But since it was pitch black, he let himself smile wider than he ever could remember smiling.
A hand touched his neck, then his bearded cheek. It traced his lip, then disappeared again.
“I knew you were smiling,” Erwin said.
Levi was still for a moment before he adjusted himself to lay down again. He hesitated only a moment more before invading Erwin’s limited amount of personal space.
“I’m tired,” he said.
Erwin was slow to reply. “So am I.”
Levi’s hand touched the arm closest to him, a dull end. The knotted sleeve beneath it was worn and thin. The muscles were still thick, despite how much weight Erwin had lost. Levi ignored the part of himself that was all too aware of what he was doing. His hand continued up to Erwin’s neck, which was unexpectedly warm, and Levi kept it there.
There was a gust of violent wind, but instead of tensing, Erwin relaxed.
“What?” Levi asked.
“I have a good feeling.”
Levi frowned. They had been so close to making it—they had fur cloaks and extra food and a palace. And yet, their palace had no room for the fire they needed, and they didn’t have a drop of energy left to build one. They knew they wouldn’t need their hard-earned supplies by morning.
Months ago, he might have considered a peaceful end a good thing—a good feeling—but now…
“So what,” Levi muttered.
“So nothing.”
Erwin grunted as he turned over on his side. Levi took the opportunity to huddle closer. Erwin’s chin rested on top of his fur hood and his left arm wrapped around him tightly. Levi felt truly warm for the first time in ages.
Possibly for the first time in his life.
Levi let himself acknowledge the happiness and sorrow of the moment, the guilt of that happiness and the long-repressed agony of that sorrow. He understood that he would never feel this way again.
They would never have to feel anything again.
*
Smoking remains of titans and bloody remains of bodies were everywhere, blocking Levi’s way. Maybe he had become immune to blood and guts, but Levi hardly noticed any of it. At least he could see no faces.
He had the instinct to fly, but looking down at himself, he saw he had no gear. He didn’t even have on his uniform or straps. All he wore was his clothes from before.
There was a call to his left, and in the distance he could see a young girl’s fiery red hair. Next to her stood a lanky boy. Their names were on the tip of Levi’s tongue, and he tried not to touch the mess around him as he moved toward the pair. Just as he got close, they ran away with smiles on their faces.
Levi jogged after them, willing to play their game. Then he ran, then faster, getting better at navigating the obstacles. The kids’ names still wouldn’t come to him, but he remembered they were also from before.
At some point, maneuver gear materialized on him, and Levi immediately put it to use. He felt as if he were flying for the first time—twisting and swerving and swinging with abandon, relishing his unlocked capability and new sense of freedom. It took Levi no time at all to catch up and land in front of the two kids. They skidded to a halt and laughed, their eyes glittering with admiration. Levi almost smiled with them.
But then the sky grew dark. In a matter of moments, rain began to pour so hard he couldn’t see in front of himself. He looked around, squinting, but the boy and girl had vanished, along with every scrape of vibrance surrounding them. Levi yelled for them to return.
There was no response. The blood of the bodies around him began to stream, dying the ground a deep red. Underneath Levi’s feet, the ground turned black and collapsed.
Levi managed to grip the edge of the jagged hole with his hands, the rest of him dangling into darkness. He tried to use his gear, but it refused to work. The more he struggled, the heavier it became until he was laden with solid iron. His straps hardened into taut chains. Rain kept getting into his eyes and his hands were too wet, but he was desperate to hold on.
Suddenly his whole body burned as if being ripped apart, and when he looked down on himself, he saw a large gash cutting open his abdomen, bleeding out and dripping into the darkness.
Levi was confused. He hadn’t been hurt, but he could swear the wound was familiar…that he knew it from somewhere…
He remembered who he was supposed to be looking for.
Then he slipped and fell with the rain.
*
Levi’s eyes opened to blackness, save for a tiny sliver of light beside him, and he thought of the palace. The lean-to. Winter. He tried to sit up, but something held him in place. Feeling around, he found an arm, a hand. A warm hand.
Levi felt a surge of uncontrollable, unnameable emotion. It was so strong, tears immediately began to run down the sides of his face and into his hair. He lay like that for a minute, unable to move, think straight, do anything but feel.
When he recovered some control, he tried to recall his dream, but it was already fading. His mind, unfocused as it was, couldn’t grasp onto any part of it besides one thing: Before.
Levi moved the arm, opened the makeshift entrance, and crawled out into the open.
The fresh layer of snow was beautiful. Twice as beautiful as snow ever was within the Walls. It was still falling.
He was alive, and it didn’t feel wrong.
“Does it feel less cold to you?”
Levi turned to see Erwin walking towards him.
“It’s too cold to feel anything,” he replied. “Can you check the temperature with a stick, too?”
Erwin grinned. “I’m afraid not.”
They stood and watched the snow float down in silence. Not a hint of wind.
“I think I’m in shock. That we’re alive,” Levi said.
“The wind may have stopped early in the night. Maybe the air was warmer than we thought.”
“We were literally drop dead exhausted.”
“You aren’t now?”
Levi was taken aback at the intensity of Erwin’s eyes as they reflected the blanket of snow. After enduring the bitterest night of his life, Levi wondered how he ever could have described those eyes as cold.
“No,” he said.
Erwin lifted his gaze to the cloudy sky. For the first time in over a week, the sun was visible.
One of Erwin’s straps caught Levi’s eye. “Erwin.”
Erwin glanced back down in his direction.
“I think we should get rid of the gear.”
Another silence reigned, and Levi stared out into the whiteness. So much white. So very clean.
There was a shuffling sound. Erwin was taking off his straps right then and there. Levi expected a snide comment to come to mind, but something else did instead. He trudged over to Erwin to hold his arm still. “Wait.”
He avoided eye contact as he said, “I want to say thank you. For just…whatever. You know.”
Erwin took Levi’s hand in his own. “I’ve never given up on you, Levi. And I never will, even if you want me to.”
Levi gazed at their feet, sunken in snow. “I know,” he whispered.
The dividing line between before and now was only one man.
*
They didn’t get rid of the gear, after all. They repurposed it. The wire and straps became their rope and the blades became their everything else: weapons, cutting knives, fire-starters.
Erwin and Levi agreed that when the cold weather ended they would begin to travel again, no matter if the forest ended in one mile or ten thousand. Or never. Their routine became quicker and more efficient, leaving more time for them to explore, to hunt, and—to both of their relief, Levi learned—to talk. The more he opened up, the more Levi realized he actually had a lot to say, to tell, to retell to someone he knew for certain would truly listen. Erwin opened up some too, and Levi sensed he was just as eager and nervous.
The weather eventually got warm enough for the blades to serve one more purpose.
“I thought you would look younger without a beard, but I was wrong,” Levi said, smirking.
Erwin tilted his head as he observed. “Well, you do. In fact, you look downright childish.”
Levi punched him in the arm and Erwin laughed—a sight to see.
They were at the edge of a particularly large, calm river. Spring had been nice for all of two weeks before getting hot, but Levi was grateful for any temperature above zero. Since their old clothes were hardly more than rags, Erwin didn’t wear a shirt half the time. Levi considered this development to be somewhere between irritating and distracting.
The same distraction made him mumble, “It’s not even summer and you’re freakishly tan.”
“I think I read a theory once that said the further north one went, the stronger the sun.”
The river water was still cold, though. Levi he slid a dirty blade into the water and began to clean it. “There are seasons, is that not enough? Is that the same book that told you about sticks and shadows? Your heretic books are shit.” Erwin laughed again.
“Your hair’s getting long. I should chop that off, too,” Levi said. He needed an excuse to keep staring.
“Hmm.”
Levi blinked and realized he wasn’t the only one staring. He busied himself with cleaning the blade again. “What?” he asked.
Erwin said nothing, but Levi could still feel his eyes on him. Over and over he stirred the blade in the water. “What?” he asked again.
“It’s clean.” The blade was snatched from his hand, and Levi looked up.
Erwin had always been too handsome for his own good—and hell if he didn’t know it. Hell if Levi couldn’t stop noticing.
He decided he couldn’t take the skirting around anymore. The tension between them had been building for weeks. Or perhaps much, much longer.
“Is my pasty, sunburned skin so interesting?” Levi asked. “Or is downright childish face so strange you can’t look away?” His innocent tone was so spot on he had a hard time maintaining his frown.
Erwin’s eyes seemed to glaze over and sharpen simultaneously. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m not.” Levi stood and knelt down by the water. He dunked his head and wiped his hair back as he surfaced, entirely aware of what he must look like in Erwin’s eyes. “Fuck, it’s so hot. Does summer come sooner here, wherever the hell we are? I can’t cool down.” He sat back down on the rock next to Erwin’s, still dripping.
“Some do say seasons work differently in different places. The authors of my heretic books weren’t the brightest bulbs, but it isn’t as if they got any more funding than the Survey Corps did.”
Erwin was sitting too still.
Levi smirked again, having far more fun than he probably should. “A strategist and a smart-ass, but you can’t make sense the seasons.” He leaned back on his palms with the appearance of taking in the heat. “Huh. That almost sounded poetic, Erwin. Maybe poetry can be my new unsurpassable skill.”
“I doubt that,” Erwin said stiffly.
Levi lolled his head around. “You’re an asshole.”
It was extremely difficult not to laugh at Erwin’s reddening face.
“What are you doing?” Erwin asked.
“What do you mean?” Levi’s innocent tone was quickly devolving into something baser. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes you do.”
There was a barely noticeable amount of uncertainty in Erwin’s words that made Levi double-take. “Yes,” he said, more seriously. “I do.”
Levi stood and moved to stand between Erwin’s legs, looking down at him for a change. “For someone so fearless, you can be a pretty pathetic coward.”
Their lips met and that was all the permission Erwin needed.
*
Another week passed, with little progress across the thinning forest.
One sunny morning found Erwin and Levi both laying by the same river, only several dozen miles upstream. It had become deep enough for them to bathe together for once. Levi was quickly becoming a strong swimmer, while Erwin swam like he’d swum all his life.
The water was crystal clear, tadpoles and tiny fish darting downstream. Levi’s eyes were wide open as he swam, and he took a moment to admire the body sprawled meditatively on the riverbed. Levi swam lower and brought his face right up to Erwin’s.
Erwin’s expression didn’t change; his eyes were closed, and all that moved was his hair in the weak current. Levi was impressed by how long Erwin could hold his breath. A fucking one-armed fish, he thought.
For a moment, light glittered over Erwin’s skin, his hair, and the shifting sand just so, making him look otherworldly. Like he hadn’t been born and raised within the old, grungy Walls, like he didn’t have the burden of countless deaths weighing on him, like he hadn’t suffered for an eternity in the forest, sometimes not eating for days at a time.
Levi should have known from the first day they met that Erwin was exceptional. Extraordinary.
A whoosh in the current pulled Levi back a little. He kicked forward to take Erwin’s head in his hands and kiss him. Erwin jerked, then relaxed. Hands settled around Levi’s waist and he felt himself rise to the surface. He hardly gasped for air before he leaned in again. The water nearly came up to Erwin’s shoulders, and Levi had to wrap his arms and legs around him to keep from sinking.
The warmth of the sun on the back of his neck was pleasant, but it was nothing compared to the warmth in front of him. Erwin was as good a kisser as he was a strategist—which, in Levi’s opinion, was fairly good.
They were almost always on the same page, but this time Erwin was kissing him like he was…
Levi wasn’t sure, but it was with a different kind of fire he didn’t understand. He feared it and loved it in equal measure.
But right then, frustration eclipsed both emotions. With a loud splash, Levi pulled Erwin underwater, biting and licking where he could until Erwin manhandled him back upright in a less forgiving grip.
Levi’s smile turned smug. “Are you a prude or what?”
Erwin proved he was not.
*
That evening, the sky was as clear as the water. A spread of stars glowed above them. The trees finally weren’t blocking most of the view—not that Levi or Erwin were being all that appreciative. The soft grass and dirt combined with the furs nearly felt like a mattress.
Levi was as close to heaven as he knew he would ever get. Erwin’s fingers brushed through his hair as they talked about the new weapons they had been designing in their heads to hunt more easily. When Erwin said he vaguely remembered reading about some idea of smooth sticks with pointed ends, Levi grinned.
“I just realized. You don’t check anymore.”
“What?”
“With a stick. If we’re going north.”
There was a pause. “Oh,” Erwin said. “No. But it doesn’t matter.”
Levi settled onto Erwin’s chest, chin on his hands. “No?”
Erwin shrugged. “Why should we assume anything is north? What if the forest ends in some other direction?”
“You were the one who said going in one direction was the best strategy,” Levi said, lifting an eyebrow. “Have you abandoned that method for a different one or are you just a careless bum now?”
“We’re still going in one general direction. I’m just saying there’s no point in being strict about it. And I do all the cooking and make most of the fires these days; you’re the bum around here.”
They were both smiling. “No, the squirrels are,” Levi disagreed. “All they do is bother us and steal our shit. They remind me of the brats.”
Erwin said nothing in reply, but his expression turned slightly somber. Levi frowned and sat up. As he picked at the grass, his mind tried to find a way to save the mood. But the faces of those they’d lost were already overwhelming his mind’s eye. After a while, Levi asked, “You think any of them are still out there?”
“Why not think so?”
“Maybe Mikasa kept them alive somehow.”
“That would be the most likely possibility.”
Levi looked over to him, but it was hard to see despite glowing sky. “What would you have done if I hadn’t found you?”
Erwin met his gaze, eyes as sharp as ever. “But still lived?” Levi waited, and Erwin sighed. “I probably would have searched for the living for a while. Once I accepted everyone was either dead or gone, I would hunt titans until I was dead and gone, too.”
“You wouldn’t have gone back to the Walls?”
Erwin scoffed. “We were cast out with strict orders never to return. I promised I wouldn’t, and I had every intention of upholding that promise. Besides, there would be nothing to back to.”
“I still can’t decide whether the people who came with us were the smartest or the stupidest,” Levi said.
The buzz of bugs filled the silence.
“What would you have done, Levi?”
“If I couldn’t revive your sorry ass? Or if I didn’t find you at all?”
Erwin didn’t specify.
“Well,” Levi began, but words wouldn’t come. He thought harder, envisioned what he would have done if he hadn’t found even one other living soul in the aftermath; what he would have done if he found Erwin already dead; what he would have done if he failed to save him from bleeding out. Levi decided his mental block against those visions wasn’t worth breaking down. Or maybe there simply were no words at all.
“There was booze lying around. I probably would have drunk it all and let whatever happened happen.”
“That doesn’t seem like you.”
“I probably wouldn’t have been me anymore,” Levi said, hardly above a whisper.
Erwin sat up next to him. “Did I ever thank you—”
“—only five hundred times—”
“—for letting me live?”
Levi froze.
“What?” He did mean healing him after the ambush, didn’t he?
“I stopped everyone when we should have kept moving forward…” Erwin began. Levi exhaled in relief. Yes, the ambush.
Erwin had never once spoken of it from a personal point of view.
“I was afraid and tired, and wanted to be alone, so I scouted ahead when I should have stayed with everyone else. I got caught up with a titan, not even a particularly dangerous one, and was so focused on what I was doing that I ended up leaving hundreds for dead.”
Levi narrowed his eyes and pulled at the grass harder. “The titans were going to kill everyone anyway, Erwin. No matter what you did or didn’t do could have changed that.”
When Erwin opened his mouth to reply, Levi spoke over him. “Their lives were never in your hands! They knew what was outside the Walls. “His arms were tight around his knees as he stared forward, refusing to make eye contact. “It’s pointless to keep thinking about.”
“I know,” Erwin sighed. “But I made an unforgivable mistake. The most unforgivable, that is.”
Levi rolled his eyes. “So what? You think I would have avenged everyone by killing the only other living person on the planet I give a damn about?”
“Still,” Erwin said. “Did I ever thank you for letting me live?”
This time, Levi was sure of what Erwin meant. He felt as if invisible Walls were closing in on him.
“That…” he said, struggling to neutralize his tone, “was before. That was before, Erwin.”
But all he could see was himself fulfilling a promise from a lifetime ago. Levi tried to focus on his breathing, but he felt strangely out of control.
How could Erwin doubt for a second that Levi wouldn’t turn his back on him?
How could he not?
It took several moments for Levi to notice that Erwin had come up from behind and wrapped his arm around Levi’s chest, holding him in place.
His head pressed against Levi’s. His voice was soft. “I’ve never held that against you, you know.”
“You’ve never a lot of things,” Levi mumbled.
“That’s true. I’ve never seen the end of this forest. I’ve never married.”
“I hear you’re really missing out.”
Erwin smiled into Levi’s hair. “Am I?” Then much quieter: “There are things I’ve never told you.”
Levi fidgeted. “Still keeping secrets from me after all this time, huh?”
“Nothing you’d want to hear, Levi. I assure you.”
“Yeah? How do you know?”
“You really want to hear it?”
The night was calm. Peaceful. But.
“No.” Levi hoped Erwin bought into his dismissive tone.
“That’s what I thought,” Erwin said just as casually.
“Then why did you even say that?”
“Just making conversation.”
Levi broke himself away from Erwin’s grip and forced him to the ground. “Enough conversation.” He lowered his hand on Erwin, who gave the slightest shiver.
*
The trees were sparser than ever, which was promising, but other than that, not much was different from the previous day. Levi scowled at Erwin’s back during the first few excruciating hours of walking. At least he got some satisfaction from Erwin’s inability to move with perfect ease either. Levi wanted to call him a wimp, but he was wary of whatever comeback Erwin was probably rehearsing in his stupid head.
Despite the distracting pain, his mind kept returning to their conversation. Levi was pissed that Erwin still held onto any useless shame, but then again, he was guilty of the same fault.
And he was angry at himself for thinking incessantly about what Erwin hadn’t told him. He knew what it was, didn’t he? Levi had always known Erwin was more sentimental then he let on. Yet it was also possible Erwin meant something completely different.
It was as if their channel of communication was malfunctioning on purpose, just to keep Levi guessing. Going around in circles was a strain to his mind.
Maybe Erwin had a dark secret that Levi would hate him for. But that didn’t seem right, considering Erwin had been half aroused at that point in the conversation. Maybe the dark secret was some sort of kink—but Erwin would have known Levi would want to hear about that.
The first few hours were indeed excruciating, and to a similar extent, the rest of the day. Maybe it was the conversation, or maybe it was Levi’s surliness, but Erwin made few attempts at talking, and Levi made exactly none.
That evening was even more awkward, and Levi didn’t like knowing he was the cause. He expected Erwin to ask why he was acting strangely, but Erwin asked nothing. Levi wouldn’t have had an answer anyway.
He slept fitfully that night under the full moon. He woke once next to Erwin and fell asleep again. He woke a second time—alone.
Levi jumped up on instinct. He was sweating in seconds, and when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. He wondered if this was a dream, but he felt far too alert. Yet his voice wasn’t working, his body felt too heavy, and there was no moon to accompany the stars.
He groped around in the dark, already beginning to forget what he was doing. He was confused and frightened, and hyperventilation kicked in when he lost all feeling in his hands, then his arms, his legs. His beating heart was the only thing to be heard.
One by one, the stars blinked out.
Then there was water.
Levi sucked in a loud, ragged breath. His head was dripping wet, but it was better than sweat. His body was so weak it wouldn’t stand on its own, but someone was holding him up. There was a canister in front of him, and someone saying “drink” over and over. So he did, and he felt his body thank him.
“Levi?”
The full moon was blinding after the darkness.
“Can you hear me?”
Levi blinked and saw Erwin. He wanted to say something, but it took too much effort to speak.
“I said I need you to drink more.”
The canister was in front of him again. The rush of the river came into Levi’s awareness.
“Drink, Levi. You’re dehydrated.”
Levi ignored him, overcome with the memory of whatever waking dream he’d experienced. He began to breath harder again.
“No,” Erwin commanded, looking straight at him. “Pay attention.” The tone of his voice reminded Levi of the Walls. The canister was shoved into his hands. “Drink,” Erwin said.
But Levi was so tired.
“That’s an order, Levi.”
Levi’s eyes found his Commander’s. He focused on lifting the canister to his lips.
A few minutes later, Levi felt a little more than half-alive again. Erwin explained how he was dehydrated, and how he shouldn’t have to remind Levi to do something as simple as drink water, and that there was a river twenty feet from them, and how Levi was an idiot.
“You’re the idiot, idiot,” was the first thing Levi managed to say since the day before. Erwin just sighed and told him to get more sleep.
Suddenly, Levi felt childishly fearful of sticking around a moment longer. “No! No, I don’t want to.” He felt like he was too close to a black hole waiting to open up beneath him.
Erwin only argued some, but when Levi began walking akin to a drunken man into the forest, he conceded. Erwin packed up their things, and they continued along the riverside by the light of the moon. He used Erwin’s left arm to stay upright and rest his head. He knew he was far too old for this, but he also felt far too weak to walk on his own. So he ditched his pride and focused on the living body against him, on the solid ground beneath his feet, and let everything else fall away.
He came came into full awareness again when Erwin stopped walking.
“Wha…”
“The river,” Erwin said.
Levi’s eyes were drawn to the moon reflected in the water. “What about it,” he muttered.
“It turns around. Almost completely.”
“So?”
“We’d be going back the way we came if we continue following it.”
“Oh.”
“Is that what you want to do? We’ll be by a constant source of water.”
Levi said nothing. He felt Erwin sigh, “That might be for the best. Dehydration isn’t something to take lightly.”
“I’m sorry,” Levi whispered. What did he know about dehydration? He’d only dealt with hunger and violence and cold. He found the idea of Humanity’s Strongest being taken down by something so simple humorous.
Erwin met his eyes. “Tell me—follow the river or keep going in this direction?”
Levi was silent for a while, and he covered Erwin’s mouth with his hand before the man could ask again. It was hard to think when you only felt a little more than half-alive. Eventually he settled with the only thing his brain could come up with.
“North.”
They left the river behind. Erwin kept offering to stop and rest, and Levi kept saying no. Oddly, he felt better the longer he walked—moving, eyes closed more often than not, leaning against someone who would guide him right.
“Do you hear that?” Erwin asked quietly. Levi opened his eyes and looked up.
Erwin was stock-still. Levi grunted as he stretched, rolling his eyes at Erwin’s constipated expression. But then he heard. The sound reminded him of the rushing of blood in his ears, or maybe of the wind he used to feel flying with maneuver gear.
“What is that?” he asked. “Storm or something?” The sky was dawning, and there were few clouds to be seen. “Or not.”
“Let’s go,” Erwin said, and started forward again. Levi walk normally after him. He felt strangely invigorated—he almost wished he had his gear to go faster. Almost.
Levi hardly noticed when he passed the last tree. He was too stunned by what what dominated the landscape ahead. As they stared in silence, Levi felt surprisingly calm. The roar that enveloped the world around him was more sonorous than he thought one sound could be.
“I admit, I though it was a myth,” Erwin said.
They dug their feet into the sand, and Levi felt more awake than ever. Erwin, on the other hand, looked to be falling into a stupor. Levi stepped up to him and reached to take off the supplies Erwin had been carrying through the night. Erwin let him, hardly moving as he stared at the ocean. Then Levi took off his boots, helped Erwin with his, and guided him closer to the edge separating land and sea.
They waded up to their ankles. Levi leaned down to drink, but Erwin held him fast. “It’s not for drinking. I remember reading—”
“Damn your books,” Levi said without malice and sipped the water cupped in his hands. He coughed for nearly a minute. “Damn this water more.”
Erwin smiled a little, but he was still distracted. Levi looked up and he could see why. The sun was rising just behind the ocean’s horizon, lighting up the sky in vibrant colors. Levi couldn’t hold back the admiring sigh that broke through his lips. The sunrise was like a painting, awash with a hundred warm shades.
The fiery red was particularly stunning.
Eventually Erwin walked back to the dry sand and sat down slowly and carefully, as if he were suddenly thirty years older. Levi sat in the sand with him. He closed his eyes and took in the crashing of the waves. Erwin’s arm wrapped around him. Levi remembered thinking he would never get any closer to heaven, but he had managed it.
“Erwin.”
“Hmm?”
“About the things you said you never told me…”
“Hmm.”
“I changed my mind.”
Erwin was quiet for a moment. “You already know.”
It was true. The channel between them was clear again, as if the ocean air had cleansed it.
Levi shoved him. “Say it anyway.”
“Are you sure?” Erwin teased, and Levi’s eyes went wide in frustration.
“What the hell? I should really—”
Erwin let him say no more.
As they kissed, Levi felt a surge of emotion. It was one he vaguely remembered having before. His eyes screwed shut as he tried to contain it, but he couldn’t. Erwin seemed rather undone, too.
An insatiable drive to stay close and not let go took hold of Levi. He ended up half on top of Erwin as they embraced with an unprecedented fervor. Levi lost track of whose voice was whose and which hand was which. The rush of blood and the crash of waves mingled together.
A distinct roll of thunder interrupted them. Erwin pulled away, nearly gasping, and looked up. “Looks like you were right about a storm after all.”
Levi pulled Erwin’s head back down to his. “I love you, Erwin.”
Their faces barely touched. Levi closed his eyes and tried to steady his breath. He lowered his head against Erwin’s shoulder and fiddled with the knot on the right sleeve. He marveled at how anxious and exhausted one could get from just saying a few words. He schooled his expression in preparation for whatever was said in return.
“Levi, I’ve always loved you.”
But he found it was impossible not to smile just a little at that.
*
They walked along the wide, dry strip of sand until the thunder and encroaching clouds became too ominous to ignore.
“I’m sick of building shelters,” Levi grumbled, watching the sand spot with the first drops of rain. The next time he looked up, Erwin had an odd expression.
“What?” Levi asked.
Erwin stared at some point further down the beach. “Maybe this time you won’t have to.”
Levi followed his line of vision to see severals shacks nested just inside the tree-line. He saw figures going in and out. Bratty figures.
FIN