Chapter Text
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"See you later, Eren.”
Those were the last words that he heard before slowly drifting off to a peaceful slumber, with the faint touch of her lips, giving him the last bit of warmth from his home.
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As Eren slowly gained consciousness, the first thing that greeted his eyes was the beautiful sight of the starry night sky. He looked around: only to find himself in front of a blinding white light which takes shape of a humungous tree where green, blue, indigo and violet streaks can be seen coming out from it; and dunes of sand that stretches on and on again, never-ending. The silent breeze blows in his direction, sending quiet shivers down Eren’s spine as he crossed his arms.
Eren can’t help but be left awestruck by its beauty. But then, everything swiftly came clear to him, his memories began flooding back. He started freaking out, for he knew where he was.
The Paths Realm…
Born out of a simple desire from a girl who became a slave and had no will of her own, but wished to be connected with her Subjects and longed to experience what true love is.
And so, she waited for 2000 years, for someone…
Ymir Fritz, the Founder waited for them: Eren Jaeger, the person who first gave her the strength to fight and choose; Armin Arlert, the person who showed her meaning and hope in life; and finally, Mikasa Ackerman, the woman who showed her the beauty in this cruel world and portrayed what true and pure love is. Hence, ending the Curse of Ymir and Titan domination itself.
Eren gladly welcomed death as a friend; and expected that the moment he opened his eyes he’d be greeted with the hellish flames at the entrance of the underworld, waiting for Death to take him away, and give him his lifelong retribution.
But this is not what he was expecting to say the least.
Eren thought to himself, “Shouldn’t the Paths Realm be destroyed?”
But then again, he barely knew how the Paths realm even works, it’s not like he was given a guidebook by the Founder Ymir about the mechanics of this world and most of his knowledge stems from Zeke’s own account and his observations from staying in this place for far too long.
Eren slowly stood up, still slightly disoriented, and he looked around and saw the never-ending vastness of the place. The first time he entered the Paths with Zeke, he wasn’t able to fully appreciate its beauty considering that the stakes were all too high, and their plan nearly failed because of that damn brat who killed Sasha, blowing his head off. It was fortunate enough that Zeke Jaeger was able to make contact with him before he completely passed on. Thus, he was able to initiate the Rumbling but also betray Zeke in the process.
To be frank, Eren was sorry that he manipulated Zeke and made him think that he was on his side from the get-go, only for him to take advantage of Zeke’s affections for him and betray him in the long run. Hence, the dream of Zeke Yeager and Mr. Tom Ksaver, Zeke’s father-figure, collapsed. There was no way that Eren would ever go along with a plan that messed up.
Eren felt pity for his brother because Zeke, who longed to find familial love from his half-brother; never once doubted Eren’s intentions and motives. Even when Eren initially betrayed him, Zeke swore to Eren that he wouldn’t abandon him, and that when he saves the world, it’ll be with Eren. Zeke wanted to save Eren; and he still believed that Eren was being brainwashed and fed by Grisha’s nationalistic ideologies, only for Zeke to realize that he was wrong and that Grisha loved and raised his second son freely – a huge difference from Zeke’s own childhood and upbringing.
He thought that Zeke would come to resent him considering that Grisha had a second family and raised him differently. However, even during their first-time meeting each other after the battle in Shiganshina District, the words that Zeke first muttered to him were, “Please believe me, I understand what you’ve been through. We are both victims of that man. You’ve been brainwashed by your father.” and “Eren, I’ll be back to save you someday.”
Zeke never held any jealousy and hatred towards him; and Eren thought that maybe in another lifetime, they could’ve gotten along well with each other, wherein they could’ve been normal brothers, without the need of betraying each other for the sake of their own mission and goals.
As Eren started to walk and feel the soft crunch of sand beneath his feet, he realized that something was starkly amiss. Before, he could recall that there used to be faint echoes of voices, but now, everything’s dead quiet. Eren thought that this could be the outcome of Mikasa’s choice for killing him. Mikasa freed Ymir and the rest of the Eldians, no longer are they tethered to the Paths realm.
And all that was left was him.
Is this punishment? Eren shivered at the thought.
With that being said, he deserved every punishment set forth upon him after the unforgivable crimes that he did. Eren welcomed death as a friend, and expected that the moment he opened his eyes he’d be greeted with the hellish flames at the entrance of the underworld, waiting for Death to take him away, and give him his lifelong retribution.
Death was both a blessing and a curse for Eren. He never wanted to die but he also wanted to live for Mikasa… and for the others. However, he knew that this selfish wish of his can never be fulfilled. It would be far too cruel to live a life of happiness and peace after trampling the lives of billions who never asked to be trampled upon.
Mikasa Ackerman is his savior and the living embodiment of freedom. Mikasa’s choice by killing him was, in fact, an act of mercy itself because if he managed to live through even after the Rumbling, he would be consumed with all of the guilt and burden of his sins. Mikasa gave him an easy way out. Eren never viewed death as freedom. However, it is only through his death that he was able to be unchained and set free from his predetermined fate.
Eren scoffed at the tragic irony that the person Mikasa swore to protect throughout all of her life became all for naught because Eren, himself carries death within his body, and Mikasa was also the one who dealt the killing blow to his life.
He saved her life when they were just nine-year-olds but after a decade, there was nothing that Mikasa Ackerman could do to save his.
It was supposed to be us against the world but in the end, it was me against you. Maybe in another life, we could’ve made the right choices… where we could freely love one another without fate interfering with our love, and where we don’t find ourselves at opposing sides.
Love consumed Eren tremendously wherein the profound ending that he chose for himself was that he entrusted his life at the mercy of Mikasa’s hands, and perished in his beloved’s warm embrace. He always wanted to become a hero. After all, what’s more heroic than dying for someone you love?
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“Please don’t forget about me, the truth about me.”
This was Eren’s simple wish above all else. He didn’t care if the rest of the world will forever remember his name as the one who became the Devil and slaughtered 80% of humanity. No, Eren wished that the people closest to his heart will cherish and remember him for who he truly is: the boy who swore to kill every single titan; the cadet who sparked inspiration to his fellow cadets in training; a friend who got called as a suicidal blockhead; the soldier who decided to dedicate his heart for humanity’s sake; and the boy who could turn into a titan and was the Hope and Savior for the people inside the Walls.
He knew that this was too much to ask from his precious friends but Eren clung to the possibility that his friends might honor and keep his memory. “Surely, they would still remember me, right?” Eren asked himself, his voice laced with insecurity. Regardless, Eren believed that he is unworthy to deserve friends like them after all the mess that he has made. He is irredeemable and that even a thousand lifetimes of atonement wouldn’t be enough to make up for what he did.
“I want for them to live long, happy lives.”
Eren recalled the words that he forever kept close to his heart. He meant every single word of it as he said it to them while riding the train with his friends after successfully building the railroad. They were one of the most important people in his life. He would do everything in his power, with what little time that he has left, to see through it all, even if it meant the end of Ymir’s curse and of Titan domination; even if he sacrifices everything including his very life, Eren will protect her.
As Eren thought of his friends, he felt as if he did not deserve to worry over their welfare because of how contradictory his words were. He wanted them to live long happy lives and yet, he was the same person who put them headfirst into danger. He specifically called Mikasa into the battlefield, and he had Armin transform as the Colossal Titan in order to wipe out all of Marley’s military ports so that Marley couldn’t launch an immediate counter-attack on the island.
"If you win, you live. If you lose, you die. If you don’t fight, you can’t win. Fight! Fight!”
A mantra that Eren kept saying throughout all his life. He fought tooth and nail to achieve freedom but freedom wasn’t something you can easily acquire. Eren was a slave just like anyone else, he was drunk on his concept of freedom and clung to it until they reached the ocean for the first time, which shattered his and Armin’s dreams.
At the end of the day, Eren fought till the very bitter end and lost. Despite that, Eren knew that he was playing a losing game from the very beginning. He held the full power of the Founding Titan. He could’ve intervened with the Alliance from the very beginning and refrained them from harnessing the full power of the Titans. However, that was never his intention. Eren couldn’t take away their own freedom, so he gave them the freedom to fight and oppose him because his goal from the very beginning was to make the world see the Alliance as the saviors of mankind who will come to stop him.
Eren knew of the perils and dangers of what his friends were gonna face when they are met at opposing sides. He had no idea of how many of them will survive and be left unscathed after the battlefield. Everything that he did was to arrive at that result, and that is why he kept moving forward.
He guiltily thought of Hange-san, another consequence of his actions. He remembered that he completely lashed out and took all of his anger unto them, for not finding another solution that led to a path of peace for Paradis and the rest of the world. They didn’t even part ways on good terms which will forever continue to haunt Eren in every waking moment of his.
Sasha’s death was also a repercussion of his actions for going against the Survey Corps and for perpetrating a surprise attack in Liberio. Hence, putting all of the world’s rage into their tiny island, adding validity to Willy Tybur’s words and declaration of war that they were truly the devils meant to be feared and exterminated from the rest of the world.
Eren burst a maniacal laugh after Sasha’s death was announced and soon afterward, his laughter turned to a grimace and of utter heartbreak. This moment was hauntingly familiar for Eren, he had the same reaction when Hannes died at the hands of the Smiling Titan, who first devoured his mother, Carla. Eren was reminded once again of his uselessness and how the future couldn’t be changed at all.
Despite having access to the past, present, and future; and a presence that can be equated to a pedestal of a God-like being or of a Divine Omnipotence, Eren was still powerless and cannot control the outcome of his fate. Even his head had gotten all messed up because Ymir the Founder designed for the past, present and future to exist all at once.
There were times when a part of Eren still wonders and fails to understand why he was chosen of all people. Was he chosen because he was special? Or was he chosen out of pure and ill-fated coincidence? That was something that Eren Jaeger could not answer. Perhaps, the mystery can be solved through the Founder Ymir, but no one really knows…
Regardless, Eren Jaeger was robbed of a future for he had to carry the burden of having the power to change humanity’s fate while doing it all alone. He didn’t even get the chance to properly mature and enjoy his life with Armin and Mikasa because he was carrying responsibilities that no nineteen-year-old should carry in the first place. Hell, he wasn’t even able to completely live out his thirteen years.
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Eren reminisced of the time when he went rogue and stayed in Marley for a few months. It was then that he knew what loneliness truly was. He had never felt so alone and detached in his life. It also didn’t help that when Eren arrived in Liberio, his nightmares only seemed to worsen since his memories became more vividly clear. Whenever he walked around the streets of Liberio, he was traumatized by the memories of his future because oftentimes he is able to spot familiar faces within the crowds of people who will be dead in the near future.
‘No… I’m going to kill them.’ Eren grimly thought.
However, his stay in Marley made him reflect a great deal. It is true that Eren did see everything on the other side of the sea as his enemies. However, as he slept under the same roof as his enemies, and ate the same food as them. He came to an epiphany that over the sea, and inside the walls, they were all the same. Everyone was fighting their own battles and wars. It was hard to tell who was right from wrong, and good from bad.
Before, Eren couldn’t understand Reiner Braun and the rest of the Warriors for why they would commit such atrocious crimes. At first, he thought them to be psychotic murderers who’ve killed countless innocent people who never did anything wrong, and turned the world into a living hell. However, as Eren witnessed the livelihood of every single Eldian in the internment zone, and the harsh mistreatment that they have suffered every day, he came to empathize with them and he soon realized that it would be a fool’s mistake to not do so, considering that in a few weeks’ time, he’ll turn this interment zone into an ashen land of death and destruction. The victim who became the perpetrator.
The Eldians that lived in the internment zones were taught propaganda that everyone inside the walls was different from them, that they were demons; that inside those walls were filthy devils who threatened the Eldians who live in the continent, along with everyone else. They were ignorant children and all of that was beaten into them by ignorant adults. Eren couldn’t fault them. What could they have done to fight that? It was their environment and history.
It is true that the long history of the Eldian empire can never be forgiven, but what did the generation of Eldians in today’s time do anyway? Was it their fault that they were born as Subjects of Ymir, a filthy race of devils? His mother and the rest of his people never committed such atrocious and heinous crimes, does that mean they deserve death? Should they be blamed and be at fault for the sins of their ancestors?
Eren knew that if the Eldians ceased to exist from this world, the world will be ridden of the fear of Titans and the era of Titan domination would’ve ended; but he just can’t accept an end like that. Zeke believed that his plan might be a more peaceful and better solution compared to Eren’s plan of a full-scale Rumbling, but he just couldn’t agree with Zeke’s plan because it goes against what he has always believed in; for he himself had pride on being born and found purpose in living.
Eren knew that his concept of freedom was flawed because to gain freedom, you have to take away others’ – it’s a never-ending cycle. This is evident with the long history of the Eldian and Marleyan Empire. The Eldians were first the oppressors but soon became the oppressed, as a civil war erupted among the Eldians and Marley gained full control over Seven of the Nine Titans; and the cycle repeats itself, over and over again. Humanity never learned from its long history of mistakes.
He could even say that Eren Jaeger was a culmination of all the world’s hatred and resentment for all of the Subjects of Ymir. Hence, a monster was birthed which has now come to return the hatred over their very heads. And Eren hoped that humanity might learn a lesson from him, that they should never let hatred overrule them. But knowing the very nature of humans, Eren thought that maybe a few centuries from now – after Mikasa, Armin and the others secured temporary peace in their lifetime and soon after, passed on – war and conflict will continue on. The cycle of hatred and revenge is not something that could just be solved, as long as humans continue to exist.
Eren thought that even if he trampled the rest of the world, leaving only Paradis unscathed from the Rumbling’s onslaught, there already was conflict and infighting with the people of Paradis; some blamed him for the deaths and destruction when the Walls collapsed, while others defended his name saying that there was no such thing as victory without noble sacrifices. Regardless, sooner or later, the new Eldian Empire might cause another repeat of the Great Titan War.
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His nightmares often consisted of the Rumbling and some memories of the future, but there were those fleeting forlorn nightmares of his where he sees Mikasa’s lifeless body drenched in a pile of her own crimson-red blood, scratches and bruises littered across her body. The scene was grotesquely nauseating itself.
Sleep was a luxury before that Eren enjoys with satisfaction. However, in the light of current events, he willingly forsakes the act of sleeping in order to avoid such ghastly and horrifying sight. It doesn’t help quell Eren’s anxiety that he doesn’t know what is happening to Mikasa and his friends after he abandoned and left them behind. More so, he and Mikasa were a million miles away and an ocean separated them; and soon enough, he’ll be the one to slowly and savagely tear them apart. In the end, his death will serve as his separation from Mikasa.
Mikasa’s absence from his life left him with a burning, unconquerable ache. The ghost of her missing presence haunted him in the lunches that he ate alone with some of the patients in the hospital. Eren imagined Mikasa’s delicate fingers running through his messy disheveled hair and how she would’ve cut off his hair a long time ago considering that it was already reaching past his shoulders, and he was sporting a slight mustache and stubble on his chin, making him look twice his age.
There were times when he found himself walking around the streets of Liberio and thought he saw a woman with black hair. A flicker of hope surged within him, he finally thought that Mikasa came to him, to bring him back home.
He chased after Mikasa, and as he finally caught up to her, tugging the sleeve of her coat as Eren muttered her name while left breathless from the fast sprint. However, as the girl in question glanced towards him, Eren realized how it wasn’t his Mikasa. He hated how his mind played awful dirty tricks at him. Eren profusely apologized for mistaking the woman for someone else and left quickly. Nonetheless, this did not stop Eren from looking everywhere for Mikasa’s silhouette, he would take a longer glance whenever he saw a woman with raven hair.
Wait…
‘His Mikasa? No. She was never mine to begin with.’ Eren bitterly thought.
Mine, the word that comes at the forefront of his mind, loud and unbidden, the burning desire to finally know what they truly meant to each other, and stop dancing around their feelings. However, it was already too late to think about the ‘what ifs’ since the path was already laid out for him.
Were they friends? No, that would be too demeaning to label their relationship as of that. Family? Well, yes… but no. Eren detested that word out of all, whenever someone questioned his relationship with Mikasa. He had to say it all over and over again that he doesn’t see Mikasa as his mother or sister – they’re not even blood-related, and she wasn’t officially adopted by his family, only taken in after the tragedy that struck the Ackerman family.
Despite all of that, Mikasa was always at the forefront in Eren’s mind, lingering and never left astray. A maelstrom of memories of his and Mikasa’s time together came surging. When they were just nine, picking up wood to offer warmth during the coldest of nights and to cook their meals; and having picnics underneath the tree on that hill, just outside of Shiganshina District.
When they were twelve, he told her to cut off her hair in fear that it might get caught on by their ODM Gear Training. Well, he did it for two reasons, the latter was that he got jealous over that horse face. Could he blame himself? No, this was Mikasa Ackerman that he was talking about. He did not want her attention to drift off to someone else. He wants Mikasa all to himself – she was his and he was hers.
When they were seventeen, the first envoy came to arrive in Paradis – the Azumabito family or the Hizurians. He never once left her side on that day, joined at the hip, fearing that they would take his precious Mikasa away from him, or worse, set her up with an arranged marriage with a Hizurian noble considering that she was the last descendant of their shogunate. Mikasa was definitely capable of making decisions of her own and protecting herself if the Hizurians ever attempted such plan or decided to steal her away from him.
Nonetheless, if looks could kill, Eren probably killed most of the men that stole a glance towards Mikasa. The satisfaction etched upon Eren’s features when someone asked if he and Mikasa were together. Mikasa blushed furiously while he, on the other hand, just smirked and had a huge splitting grin on his face. Meanwhile, Armin and the others were anxious and terribly worried, considering that Eren can be unpredictable at times, and that he might be the downfall on why the said alliance between Hizuru and the Island of Paradis failed. They couldn’t afford any mistakes or failures since they needed all the help that they can get.
He and Mikasa were a team, where the other goes, the other follows. That’s just how it is. They didn’t need words nor touches to convey their feelings because they were just them – she was his Mikasa and he was her Eren. Both of them were a million miles away from each other and an ocean separated them, but the red string of fate bound them together. They were each other’s home and refuge; their souls forever intertwined, searching and destined to meet each other again, whether in this lifetime or the next one.
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A scream tore out of Eren’s throat. His eyes flew open and he was gasping while profusely sweating, as his eyes slowly adjusted to the dark. He was in his gray dimly lit bedroom in Trost District, a home that he shared with Mikasa and Armin. The covers were tangled around him, and his nightwear stuck at his back with sweat.
Eren sat up in his bed. Memories of the future still plagued his thoughts, never letting him enjoy an ounce of peace for once. He saw the Rumbling again: he was perched atop this huge titan made up of bones while high up in the clouds as he witnessed billions of people getting pulverized while hearing their desperate and anguished cries of help; and his skin felt as if it were burning, reminding him of the steam that the Wall Titans emitted.
He shuddered at the memory. Eren knew that he won’t be able to fall asleep again so he planned to go to their shared kitchen and brew a cup of tea. He remembered that Captain Levi once gifted every single member of his squad with packets of tea. Captain Levi, himself had trouble with sleeping, and chamomile tea was something that he recommended to his squad because it’s known to be calming, as well as an effective remedy for insomnia.
Eren stood up from his bed and put on his slippers as he went towards his door, the floorboards creaking while he made his way. As Eren opened the door and stepped outside his bedroom, he saw that there was light filtering out beneath Mikasa’s door. Eren headed towards it and stopped in front of Mikasa’s door, and thought if it was a good idea to bother her in the middle of the night when she could just be enjoying reading a book from Hizuru; a gift that she received from Lady Kiyomi so that Mikasa can immerse herself in her own culture and ancestry, and perhaps develop a connection with her own motherland.
But before he knew it, he already gave three gentle knocks on her door. Eren was fidgety as he waited patiently, until he suddenly heard the scurrying of footsteps going towards his direction.
Mikasa opened the door.
“Eren?” asked a bewildered Mikasa, as she yawned and tiredly rubbed her eyes while sporting a massive bed hair.
How cute, Eren said to himself.
Fuck
Eren's cheeks went red, and he wanted to smack himself in the head for having such inappropriate thoughts. He suddenly grew aware of how terribly awkward this encounter was.
“Is there something wrong, Eren? Do you need anything?” She hesitantly asked. Her face showed hints of worry for him.
“Umm…” Eren paused. “I’ve been having this nightmare… and I… couldn’t sleep,” he said the last word in a hushed tone. Eren wanted to further explain his current situation to Mikasa but… how could he? He couldn’t just tell Mikasa that he can somewhat see glimpses of the future where he would kill and trample millions of lives. Such burden was too heavy to place upon the shoulders of Mikasa and Armin. Eren was so lost in thought that he didn’t realize that Mikasa asked him a question again.
“Eren,” she gently whispered. “Do you… want to talk about it?”
He looked away from her gaze, providing Mikasa with an answer. Mikasa completely understood him as he did the same for her when she just moved into the Jaeger household and the events of her parent’s death plagued her mind.
Eren was kind. He told her all of the stories and legends from one of Armin’s books, and asked Mikasa to promise not to tell anyone about the outside world that lay inside the pages of Armin’s books, or else Armin will get angry with him considering that he had no permission from Armin. Moreover, Eren always held her hand till she fell asleep while gently caressing her knuckles, holding her very own demons at bay.
Mikasa grabbed Eren’s hand, palm-to-palm, her warm skin welcoming, and her touch consoling. A tender smile found its way to her mouth as she gently pulled him inside her room. Mikasa settled down back on her bed. Eren, however, was left standing for he didn’t know what to do. She looked expectantly at him, and gently patted the side of her bed, gesturing at him. Eren realizing what Mikasa was implying, he awkwardly rushed next to her side.
Once they were in bed together, silence enveloped between them. It was awkward, to say the least, and it has been a while since they’ve done this, the memory that Eren could recall best was when they were in the settlements after Wall Maria fell but only… Armin was with them, as they huddled together and wrapped each other in a huge blanket to fight off the cold.
But just the two of them? Alone? Just him and Mikasa? Well, it seems like forever since they last did this and honestly, Eren did not mind one bit. He always found Mikasa’s presence as if he were coming home from a restless day. Her mere presence was enough to evoke so much solace and comfort for him. Eren’s eyes would constantly seek out Mikasa’s silhouette within the hundreds of crowds whenever he felt distressed. She was his home and refuge, after all.
Eren knew that this is something that will rarely happen, and he thought that he might even be pushing himself too much with Mikasa, but he was utterly desperate. Eren was already on borrowed time, and it was not the time to think about what he should and shouldn’t do.
Hence, Eren took a leap of fate, and slowly laid his head against Mikasa’s shoulder. Mikasa slightly flinched from his sudden action, but her posture soon became relaxed; so little by little, Eren nuzzled his face unto the crooked of her neck, drawing her close, and he slowly took everything in. Eren could even smell the faint scent of currant and raspberry in her hair, the scent that he always associated Mikasa with.
Mikasa returned his gestures without any hesitation and leaned her head onto Eren’s while gently tangling and playing with Eren’s disheveled brunette hair. While her other hand was busy caressing and drawing circles on Eren’s hand. She breathed a content sigh, snuggling into him as their bodies became entangled in one another’s embrace.
Eren had no idea on how he should react and struggled to find the right words. But instead, he reveled in Mikasa’s touch. Her touch was everything to him. He didn’t think that one’s simple human touch can open up so many emotions for him. His mind has gone utterly blank, and the right words wouldn’t come to him – but at the same time, he felt calm and at peace, and everything just feels right all of a sudden. It’s a strange mix of emotions really, Eren thought.
I’m gonna miss this, he muttered to himself. Eren was thankful that he got to experience rare and precious moments as such before he would be robbed off of it too soon. However, he can’t help but feel resentful and furious because the time will come when his predetermined fate will come back to haunt him and how he has to slowly separate himself from Mikasa and Armin. Eventually, Eren will only go somewhere far away from them, the two most important people in his life that he considers as his family.
His memories of the Rumbling came rushing back at him, and Eren tried his goddamn best to push all of those ugly thoughts away, for once and for all. He just wanted to stay in Mikasa’s arms.
Eren’s heart started beating rapidly, and he felt like he was having a heart attack. He felt as though his heart would explode. He couldn’t think of anything else, only that his chest might get crushed any minute and his heart might burst open. Breathing was hard… really hard, it was as if he’d just done the morning drills for the Survey Corps.
His vision was hazy and obscured as if he were looking through foggy-tinted windows. Eren’s breathing was labored, and gut-wrenching sobs tore through his chest. He could even feel his chest growing tight as time slowly passes by and suddenly, bile rose in his throat as he remembered the remains of what the Rumbling left in its wake, rotten corpses as crows started feasting upon the flesh of the dead.
Eren’s hands were trembling as he roughly dug his nails and clutched a fistful of Mikasa’s shirt. He held unto her as if his life depended on it; and that if he were to truly let go of her, Eren feared that he will catastrophically plummet down to rock-bottom.
Please… Eren whispered.
Please let me prolong and cherish this moment with her. I don’t ever plan of letting go of Mikasa… so please… please…
Please… don’t take me somewhere far away from her… some place where I couldn’t reach her. He said defeatedly.
I’m sorry… I’m sorry…
I’m so sorry…
He muttered on and on again.
Eren’s eyes were filled to the brim with tears; he poured out everything and wore his heart on a sleeve. His heart cried out to Mikasa for how he’ll call her a slave and say how he always hated her ever since they were kids; when the truth was incredibly far from that, in fact, Eren loves her with every fiber of his soul.
His soul cried out to Armin for how he will call him useless and that he is the one being controlled by the enemy, using Armin’s affections for Annie Leonhart to add credence and validity to his claims. Eren hated saying this to Armin because he was never free to begin with, and he never once doubted Armin’s intelligence.
Lastly, his heart and soul cried out to all of the innocent people that he will kill that has never done a wrong thing to him and his people, but only got wrapped up in this mess of his. Eren hated himself for being useless and unable to control the outcome of his fate despite having the Founder’s full power which is equal to that of a god-like being, and yet here he is, powerless to change anything at all.
It has been a long time since Eren was at his most vulnerable state, and he has lost care if Mikasa were to witness him at such state. She was the only one that he could trust to lay bare all of his fears and worries to.
Mikasa, on the other hand, was left speechless. She didn’t know what to do. Mikasa hasn’t seen Eren cry so hard and become openly vulnerable ever since the truth of the basement was revealed, and when they reached the ocean for the first time. Eren laid bare his soul to her and she knew that he always put up a front and tried his best to mask his emotions away but for the first time, he was willing to be openly-vulnerable in Mikasa’s presence.
She noticed Eren’s deteriorating mental state since the success of retaking Shiganshina District and Wall Maria. She observed that this wasn’t the same Eren who was once passionate, strong-willed, and had so much fire in his soul because nowadays, Eren seemed like an empty shell of himself. He was like a walking corpse, he rarely smiled and Eren did not even engage in petty fights with Jean anymore. However, Mikasa couldn’t blame him. After knowing that both Armin and Eren will be taken away from her after thirteen years, it felt like someone ripped out her heart from her chest and brutally crushed it. She did everything in her power and strength to protect Eren and Armin away from danger and harm. Mikasa lost her Mom and Dad when she was nine, and a year after that she and Eren lost Auntie Carla; and yet once again, the world continued to take away her only family, her home.
Mikasa grimly thought of how painful it was to see Eren in such state. All that she could do was embrace him and let the torrent of his tears soak through her shirt. Mikasa could feel him clench his fists, and she could hear him silently screaming, suffocating with each breath that he took. Mikasa wanted to tell Eren that it’ll be alright but… it would be a futile attempt on her part because those are not the words that Eren was seeking out. No words were enough to soothe the emotional turmoil and anguish that Eren was feeling at the moment.
Hence, Mikasa did what she thought was best; she silently hummed a melody that she knew all too well, she heard it from Auntie Carla whenever she and Eren woke up from their nightmares or whenever they were having a bad day. She ran her fingers through his long-disheveled hair, while her other hand was busy caressing and drawing circles on his hands, time and time again, in an attempt to calm the silent war that continued to torment within Eren’s mind.
Minutes passed by, while the faint sound of a clock ticking can be heard reverberating throughout Mikasa’s room. It was not long after that that Eren started calming down, his breathing started to normalize and his sobs slowly hushed. However, Eren’s eyes were rimmed red and his face was wet with his tears. Mikasa could still notice the remnants of sadness gathered in the corner of Eren’s eyes. So, she wiped them away and gazed at those green orbs of his that she came to love and adore. Looking at Eren’s face never failed to give her heart somersaults.
After Eren had exhausted himself from his incessant crying, he finally drifted off to a peaceful slumber. Soon afterward, Mikasa followed too and fell asleep with Eren while he was being cuddled and embraced by her loving arms.
In the quiet hours of the night, as the pale crescent moon shone like a silvery claw in the night sky, and the rays of the moon slowly peeked inside the girl’s room, and the occasional howls of faraway wolves broke the silence of the night.
Two lovers were wrapped in a loving and warm embrace. They held each other as if they feared the world would slowly… and savagely rip them apart. A faint and calm smile can be seen etched upon the boy’s handsome face; for he, himself found tranquility and solace within the warm and loving embrace of Mikasa Ackerman.
He was home.
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Ever since that night, Eren started visiting Mikasa during the quiet hours of the night and eventually became a normal occurrence. Mikasa soon stopped asking Eren on why he was standing outside her door. She even stopped locking her door and told Eren that he can come to her bed any time. She started to sleep on the right side of her bed, in order to give Eren some space – it was a good thing that Mikasa’s bed was a standard queen-sized mattress because they wouldn’t be able to fit in the bed. Mikasa was a light sleeper and oftentimes, pretended that she is sleeping until she noticed the bed dip as Eren slowly crawled his way towards the left side of her bed. She appreciated that Eren tried his best to remain quiet and not cause too much movement but it was useless when Mikasa is fully attuned with her Ackerman abilities.
Mikasa tried her best to get Eren to open up to her but it was proven to be fruitless for he wouldn’t budge at all, and will continue to say that he was just witnessing memories from Grisha, his father. She knew that he was lying because she could recall Auntie Carla berating Eren for lying when she found out that Eren’s ears were turning red. Mikasa wanted to push him but she thought that it would be inconsiderate of Eren’s feelings, hoping that sooner or later, Eren will slowly open up on either to Armin and her.
Eren appreciated Mikasa for not prying any longer and pushing himself to talk about it. However, he knew that Mikasa wanted to know what was going on inside this messed-up head of his. He had no plans on telling her anything, even to Armin, because he did not want them to carry his burdens.
There are some things better left unsaid, Eren grimly thought.
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Eren chuckled at the memory when he remembered the shocked expression planted on Armin’s face when the morning came, and he first saw Eren come out of Mikasa’s bedroom, followed by Mikasa; having huge bags under her eyes and sporting a somewhat tired expression on her face after sleeping very late. Mikasa didn’t seem fazed with the whole situation and proceeded to make breakfast as if it were normal.
Armin arched an eyebrow at them, and sent a dirty look towards Eren when they settled down at the dining table, took their respective seats, and waited for Mikasa as she was cooking and preparing their breakfast – the trio already agreed that each of them will be assigned on a particular day to prepare and cook their food. Nevertheless, it was Mikasa’s schedule today and they were fortunate because Mikasa is a splendid cook.
“Care to explain why I found you coming out of Mikasa’s room, Eren Jaeger?” Armin accusingly asked.
“Why are you looking at me like that, Armin? You’re acting as if I killed my Mom or something?!” Eren exasperated.
While Armin still gave him a dirty look, Eren continued on and said, “I had trouble sleeping so I knocked on Mikasa’s door in the middle of the night, and asked if I could stay with her for a while, but I got too sleepy so we slept through the entire night.”
This isn’t exactly true, Eren quietly thought but he didn’t care to further explain it to Armin. Regardless, Eren thought that Armin was already suspicious of his actions, so why bother explaining?
Armin crossed his arms over his chest, a furrow formed between his eyebrows. “Do you take me as someone who’s stupid?” he pointed out.
No, I never did.
Armin was still not hearing out on what Eren previously explained as Armin continued giving him a piercing stare.
“WHAT? We’ve done that since we were kids, Armin. It’s normal.” Eren rebutted.
“NO, IT’S NOT.” He paused. “We’re not kids anymore, Eren.” Armin said as he vaguely gestured towards Mikasa’s direction.
“How could I know what exactly happened behind closed doors, Eren? I thought that you two finally stopped dancing around your feelings and confessed already, I would’ve highly appreciated it. Just witnessing both of you act so dense and stupid is already giving me a huge headache, it would’ve saved me from so much stress.”
Armin exhaled a breath, and looked at his friend seriously, ocean blue eyes meeting Eren’s dull, teal ones. “Honestly Eren, what are you waiting for exactly? I know we’re running on borrowed time but… I wouldn’t want you to live and carry your regrets to the grave.” Armin said empathetically.
Eren’s eyes were downcast and he avoided Armin’s somber gaze, his jaw was clenched and he had a forlorn look etched on his face. Armin thought that one glance from one of those viridian green eyes of Eren’s told a lifetime of emotional turmoil and agony that could never be put into words.
He paused for a while, Armin knew that this was something that he and Eren can only ever understand, the burden of inheriting one of the powers of the Nine Titans, meant to perish and die after thirteen years and expect someone else to inherit their powers by consuming them. He only had ten years left from himself, while Eren, on the other hand, had only 5 years left. A terrible price to pay for a power that was great as theirs.
Armin hoped that both Eren and Mikasa would be able to sort out their feelings towards each other before things got out of their control. He understood why Eren wouldn’t take the risk to be with Mikasa, since they’ll perish in a few years’ time. However, if Armin was in Eren’s place, he would take the chance to be with a certain blonde-haired girl – still stuck in her crystal encasement – if even if it is selfish (if Annie would give him the chance, of course). Armin only had only a few years and he’d rather spend it with no regrets at all. But then again, he isn’t Eren Jaeger and Eren Jaeger isn’t Armin Arlert. However, it won’t be long until Marley finishes off fighting with other world nations and redirects their focus back to their tiny island. He hoped that with the little time that Eren has left, he’d be able to carve out a bit of happiness in the world with Mikasa.
Nonetheless, Armin felt terribly guilty and thought that this probably wasn’t the ideal type of conversation to start off the day since he already dampened Eren’s mood. So, Armin did his best, how do you make Eren Jaeger’s mood change? Simple, tease him endlessly about Mikasa Ackerman.
Armin made a coughing noise to get Eren’s attention. Eren in turn glanced towards Armin with puzzlement, and he saw a flash of wicked amusement glinting in Armin’s electric blue eyes. However, it was gone in an instant and he wasn’t sure if he saw that right.
“Lastly Eren, if you guys decide to do it, please make sure that I’m not home. I wouldn’t mind at all if you guys tell me to go to sleep back at the Survey Corp’s headquarters. I’d rather not hear either of you screaming and moaning out your names. It would leave me scarred for life, as much as I love you two.” Armin said, as he lifted his shoulder in a half shrug.
Eren stood up from his seat, heat rising to his cheeks; and he slammed his hands down on the table with such a force that the sound reverberated across the room. “ARMIN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING AB– “
“Ahem,”
Eren was interrupted mid-sentence before he could pick up something (such as a spoon) and throw it towards Armin. The two boys hesitantly looked towards the direction of where the voice was coming from.
“Isn’t it too early to argue?” Mikasa said in her monotonous voice, as she enters the fray, and gently placed their breakfast at the table.
SHIT
Did she… hear what they were talking about… just a second ago? Mikasa did not seem to, Eren thought, considering that Mikasa seemed nonchalant about the conversation unless she was merely masking her reaction at the very moment. Knowing Mikasa, she would’ve already blushed right now, but she didn’t, so she probably didn’t hear it. Eren let out a sigh of relief.
Eren thought that maybe picking a fight with Armin early in the morning wasn’t a good idea considering that Mikasa hated it when they make a ruckus. He avoided Mikasa’s gaze, and slowly sat back in his seat, as Eren let out a ‘tsk’ and rubbed his nape irritatingly. Eren threw daggers towards Armin’s direction but he saw Armin slyly smirk at him.
That bastard.
He knew that Armin was trying to gauge a reaction out from him, and get him all riled up. Eren would always go beet red whenever the topic of the conversion was about Mikasa. Although Eren appreciated Armin’s gesture for drifting off to a different topic but still… does it always have to be about Mikasa? Every once in a while, Eren can’t help but question his friendship with Armin for the times that Armin doesn’t even defend and take his side. What a great friend he is, Eren mockingly joked to himself.
If only Annie Leonhart could get out of her damn crystal encasement, then maybe he could tell Annie all of the embarrassing things that Armin did when he and Mikasa were just kids. He might even tell Annie that one time when they were playing a game of hide-and-seek and Armin was caught only because he laughed since he was so nervous, and maybe when Armin got incredibly frightened that he peed in his pants.
Ahh, that would have been a great payback for all the times that Armin teased him about Mikasa, Eren grinned wickedly.
“Eren?” Mikasa muttered. “Are you okay?”. She asked out of concern as Mikasa poured Eren’s bowl with cream of mushroom soup; a Jaeger family recipe – Eren’s absolute favorite dish – that his mother, Carla, once taught to Mikasa. Eren highly-appreciated Mikasa’s effort in cooking this dish because he loved having a taste of something that reminded him of his home in Shiganshina, a reminder of the once simpler times in his life; and he misses his Mom’s cooking too. In addition, Eren never learned how to make it, and he’s not that much of a good cook himself compared to Mikasa, but he does try his best.
“Uhm… nothing…” Eren said as he nervously chuckled and accepted Mikasa’s serving for him.
“Still Eren, I don’t think any sane person would just grin like that from out of nowhere, that’s creepy.” Armin pointed out as he threw his arms in defeat.
“Yeah” Mikasa agreed.
Eren was about to stuff some bread and soup into his mouth but he lowered it. “Is this Eren Slander Day?” Eren said as he pouted and raised an eyebrow at them.
“YES.” answered both Armin and Mikasa in unison.
“I can’t believe it! My two best friends betrayed me, what a horrible day to live!” Eren dramatically said while lowering his head and clutched his heart, as if he were in agony.
For a moment the room was silent: seconds passed by, and the room soon erupted into fits of laughter and giggles. Armin laughed and laughed as he crossed his arms over his stomach in an attempt to catch his breath. Mikasa, on the other hand, covered her mouth but a small chuckle escaped Mikasa before she could suppress it, and a carefree smile graced her lovely face.
A rare sight to behold, Eren thought. Mikasa is beautiful whenever she smiled. A smile that had always, even on Eren’s darkest days, eased his mind and heart. If only she smiled more, if only he could make her happy and make her laugh all the time. It meant the world to him just to see Mikasa smile and laugh with them.
“I think that’s enough with the dramatics, Eren.” Armin breathlessly said as he tried calming himself from his bouts of laughter. “We wouldn’t want to anger Mikasa since the food might get cold, and I’m starving”
“Yeahh, yeah… Sorry, Mikasa.” Eren apologetically said.
“It’s no problem, Eren.” Mikasa said, a soft smile formed in the corners of her mouth. The two stared at each other’s eyes, molten-gray eyes looking at his own dull green ones. Neither of them glanced away, both spoke of a secret language that only he and Mikasa could ever understand.
“OKAY,” exclaimed Armin, as he broke off the silence and their intense staring competition, “Let’s continue eating, shall we?” Mikasa and Eren broke eye contact, their faces flushed red as they proceeded to eat their breakfast.
One day, their stupidity will become the death of me, Armin remarked as he took note of their interaction. Well, it’s only a long time coming before either of these two decided to confess on a whim. Regardless, Armin would bet on his money along with the rest of the Levi Squad which also includes Commander Hange and Captain Levi, that Eren will be the one to have the guts to confess and ask Mikasa on what they are to each other considering that Mikasa was content to simply be at Eren’s side, no matter what, it is what she simply desires.
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The earth was bathed in sunlight; the sound of birds singing as the wind carries it through the fields and rivers. The just-risen sun shone softly on the district streets of Trost, flooded with early-morning activity from the townspeople as they went their busy ways such as shopkeepers opening up their bakeries and shops, and people buying produce from the market.
At the middle of Trost district, the morning light seeped through the windows of the home of Eren, Mikasa, and Armin’s; signaling the start of another day, brimming with new hopes and aspirations.
The three best friends ate their breakfast, as they would exchange playful banters among themselves from time to time, and a chorus of laughter would surround the room. Minutes passed by and they finally finished eating and set aside their plates. Everyone headed towards the kitchen as they put all of their plates and utensils into the kitchen sink. The raven-haired girl and blonde-haired boy bickered; they two were laughing while arguing back-and-forth on who should be the one in charge with the dishes.
The boy observed his friends’ interactions, he turned his back away from them, as a tight frown tugged at the corners of boy’s mouth as he desperately kept the tears at bay– he did not want to cry nor burden them with any of his problems. He longed to experience more precious memories like this: the simplicity, peace, and euphoria of it all; before he would soon be stripped off of moments like this.
These are the simple times, indeed. I’m gonna miss this…
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If Eren were to be asked what the worst day of his life was, his initial answer would’ve been the day when the gate of Shiganshina District fell along with Wall Maria’s inner gate, and his mother got eaten right in front of his eyes. However, his viewpoint has changed because at this moment in time, his answer would be the day of the Awarding Ceremony for triumphantly reclaiming Shiganshina District and Wall Maria back.
Eren wouldn’t exactly call it a victory with all of the lives that were taken including Commander Erwin Smith’s and the one hundred ninety-nine unnamed soldiers. The final blow was that only nine members of the Survey Corps were left alive, making Squad Leader Hange Zoe as the 14th Commander of the Survey Corps.
The Survey Corps thought that after finding the truth of what lay inside the basement, it was possible that they would be given momentary peace and freedom, but they were awfully wrong. Everyone thought that titans were the biggest enemies of humanity but the truth was far from that, when in totality, humanity still existed beyond the Walls and that the rest of the world – outside their tiny island – continuing to prosper and live flourishingly.
As Eldians – also known as the Subjects of Ymir, they were treated as devils and considered to be the lowest of the lows, a race meant to be exterminated for its long history of war-mongering and ethnic cleansing.
Eren’s hands drifted towards his neck, and touched the basement key that his father, Grisha, gave to him on the night where he passed on his two Titan powers – The Attack Titan and Founding Titan. Thus, everything was set into motion. He thought that freedom was also finding the truth with what lay inside the basement, finally able to learn the secrets of the world… but why did it feel like it only further chained and cemented him of an impossible fate? Was that really freedom inside the basement?
No... Eren thought.
Before, he had plans that if they survived and successfully reclaimed Shiganshina District and Wall Maria, he would officially court Mikasa and put an end to all of this nonsense considering how they’re just dancing around their feelings. He dreamt of living happily and peacefully with Mikasa in a cabin far-deep within the mountains – like the one she used to live in, before she was taken in by his family – and maybe have a mini garden of their own; a place where it’s just them, they can be who they want to be, without people ruining their little paradise and bubble of happiness. Surely, after all the years of fighting, they deserve to experience an ounce of tranquility and happiness, right?
Eren thought that he could’ve indulged in that fantasy of having Mikasa as forever his and him being forever hers. Maybe not have kids, considering that he was fated to die at the age of 23, his life was slowly dwindling and he was running out of time; he ruminated and endlessly thought if risking to be with Mikasa would be the right choice.
She shouldn’t love a monster like him, Eren thought. He wanted to spare Mikasa of the pain, she deserved so much more but regardless, he knew that one way or another, any decision that they could’ve made would still end up hurting both of them. They’ll only be able to buy and experience temporary happiness, and if they do get married, Mikasa would end up being widowed at a young age. Eren couldn’t imagine a world where he leaves behind Mikasa… and their children. They’ve been together for so long that he couldn’t fathom the thought of either one of them leaving each other’s side – but even then, he did leave her side.
Everything up to this moment was him trying to end this war. He couldn’t think of anything else. He just wanted to fulfill his mission of ridding the world free of titans, driven by his need to achieve freedom, that he forgot to treasure the memories and people around him, and only when he realized this, he was already running on borrowed time.
Eren did not truly understand the extent of Mikasa’s feelings for him. He was clueless about everything in regards to love, it’s not like he was given a talk with either his Mother and Father. It was confusing, to say the least. A random person would ask Mikasa what he was to her, and she’ll reply with, “He’s family.” However, do you blush at someone whom you consider as ‘family’? He also remembered when Mikasa confessed her true feelings for him when they were on the brink of death but after that, things went back to normal… It was like she didn’t drop a fricking bomb on him, and it somewhat pissed Eren off because he didn’t have the time to corner Mikasa again and ask her what she truly meant, considering that they were being chased around by the King of the Walls and the MPs, and he got himself kidnapped, again. Then even after that whole fiasco with the Reiss family and the government, he was too busy conducting crystal hardening experiments with Squad Leader Hange Zoe and they had to prepare themselves with the next battle which is the retaking of Shiganshina District and Wall Maria. They never really had any moment of rest.
Eren thought to himself, what were they really to each other? Were they friends? No, that would be too demeaning to label their relationship as of that. Were they family? Well, yes… but Eren hoped that whenever Mikasa thought of him as family, she might possibly be referring to them as husband and wife.
Maybe that was a bit of a stretch, Eren thought. But, what he and Mikasa shared is already past the boundaries of a normal friendship. Hell, they even look and act like a married couple. Even a lot of people were left stunned and dumbfounded whenever they had to explain that they weren’t in a relationship considering that Eren and Mikasa’s actions toward each other speak volumes that what they have can’t just be labeled as a “friendship”. What he and Mikasa shared wasn’t something that mere bystanders could even understand.
The constant hand-holding and lingering touches. Eren’s hands possessively snaking around Mikasa’s waist. Mikasa and him always seeking out each other’s presence, where the other goes, the other follows. The snickers that they get from their friends and comrades, and the death glares on Eren’s receiving end – though Captain Levi knows that Mikasa is capable of handling herself, that however, never stopped their Captain from showing his care and protectiveness towards his distant relative and only living family member from their clan.
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Eren ruminated of the moment when he kissed Historia’s hand, if he only knew that her touch would evoke such immense horror and fear from him, then he would rather avoid touching Historia at all costs. She showed him his worst nightmares, that he couldn’t even come to fathom that he would do all of those atrocities in the near future.
Ever since that day, Eren has never been the same since then. He was already carrying a heavy burden, Eren mockingly thought that he, who was once known as “Humanity’s Hope and Savior” inside the Walls became the Devil who turned the world into an ashen and flattened land, leaving only carrions and dead carcasses in its wake.
How the mighty hero has fallen, Eren thought.
A foreboding thought settled within him, wasn’t he always a monster? Even when they were ignorant of how the world works; when the thought of a human transforming into a titan was unimaginable. Eren heard it; whispers from the people that he passed by on the streets and in the market, and most of all, he even heard it too, from himself…
Devil. Monster. Worthless. Failure. Loser. Pathetic. Useless. Unloved. Crybaby. Pathetic. Loser. Failure. Worthless Monster. Devil. Crybaby. Unloved. Useless. Pathetic. Loser. Failure. Worthless Monster. Devil. Crybaby. Unloved. Useless. Pathetic. Loser. Failure. Worthless Monster. Devil. Crybaby. Unloved. Useless. Pathetic. Loser. Failure. Worthless Monster. Devil. Crybaby. Unloved. Useless. Pathetic. Loser. Failure. Worthless Monster. Devil.
CRYBABY. UNLOVED. USELESS. PATHETIC. LOSER. FAILURE. WORTHLESS MONSTER. DEVIL.
However, there was someone there, waiting for him at the very edge of the tunnel, pulling him away from his dark and depressive episodes. He was so lost and in despair, searching for a way out, an escape from his unescapable and predetermined fate – a reason to abandon the greater cause and this mission of his; a reason to believe that this grim future can be avoided at all costs; and a reason to stay human and not abandon his very own humanity, succumbing to the monster that he always knew he was.
Mikasa Ackerman was Eren’s flicker of hope in this very grim life of his. The woman who grounded him and never lost hope in him, she saw his humanity. Even when others called him a monster, she never once viewed him that way – she loved him that much, in spite of everything. To Mikasa, Eren was Eren and that was enough. Mikasa is the only one who continued to remind him of the beauty of this cruel world, that Eren already seemed to have forgotten, drowned in his despondent thoughts and memories of the future.
This world is cruel, but I still love you.
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Eren had dark thoughts before, but he never once succumbed to it, as tempting as it may sound like. He cannot stomach the thought of being useless and doing nothing at all, so he and the rest of the Survey Corps scoured for every possible solution that led to a path of peace. However, the world couldn’t give them that chance, no matter how noble their intentions were, they will forever be regarded as the race of filthy island devils who could turn into giant man-eating humanoids.
It was only after that that Eren resorted to alcohol consumption, after everything that he witnessed from the past and the small glimpses from his future memories. It was one of the few reasons why he didn’t get drunk during their first-time visiting the continent of Marley because of his high alcohol tolerance. Eren tried drowning out the pain, to make himself feel numb because it was all too much for him.
Eren remembered that one night, he woke up from agitated dreams and found himself flushed and breathless, as though he’d been fleeing from something monstrous. The linens of his bed were thrown off. He stood and paced around his bedchamber for quite some time, unable to fall asleep again, and then he grabbed his shirt and put it on, as he headed towards the Survey Corp’s storage room.
This was the night when Captain Levi caught him stealing alcohol in the storage room in the Survey Corp’s HQ. No one dared to use the supplies from the storage room lest they experience the wrath of an Ackerman. But of course, being one of the last remaining veterans and being part of the elite group of the Survey Corps, it does have its own perks.
Captain Levi told that him that he misses his fiery personality and said that he couldn’t blame him for resorting to alcohol after all the shit that they’ve learned from the basement. Soon afterwards, he was told that he and Commander Hange can be trusted, because his Captain knew that he hasn’t been completely honest with them lately.
But how do you make a lie believable? Mix it with a little bit of truth.
Eren got a warning from Captain Levi that he shouldn’t drink too much and if he was ever caught by him again, he would bring it up and notify Commander Hange. However, as Captain Levi gave him a fixed stare, there was a hint of softness in his gaze. It reminded Eren of his father, Grisha; whenever he got himself into trouble and his father would reprimand him, that was the sort of look that Captain Levi gave to his fellow subordinates. He can see it on Captain Levi’s face that behind all of the aloofness that he showcases, he cares for the welfare of his soldiers especially to the Levi Squad who somewhat became his family too. It was nice to know that even though Captain Levi was just a captain to them, they could think of him as someone who can be a father figure to the rest of the Levi Squad – considering that out of all the six members in their squad, four of them have already lost their families.
Soon after that, Eren made sure that he won’t act carelessly and be caught by Captain Levi again. He would sneak in some alcohol bottles and put it at the very back of his closet; and lock his own room whenever he leaves – just for safekeeping, of course.
Before Captain Levi’s clean up investigations, which took place twice every single week; Eren threw away and dispose all of the bottles immediately. To be fair, Eren did not get that much attention when it comes to cleaning considering that out of all the members of the Levi Squad, he was the best when it comes to Captain Levi’s standards in cleaning. Mikasa, however, comes close to a second from him; but then again, she has always been that good, perfect in every other aspect.
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“Mikasa Ackerman, she’s mastered every single difficult subject perfectly. Her talent is historically unprecedented, making her the most valuable of them all.”
The Great Hall buzzed with life that night: cheers and yells were heard throughout the Hall as they celebrated the results of their status reports; and drinks were laid out – all thanks to Reiner for convincing Commander Shadis.
However, most of the 104th quietly thought that Commander Shadis was being merciful for he was proud of this batch of cadets – as he can be seen subtly smiling when handing out their reports. Commander Shadis may come off as uncaring and harsh towards the cadets but deep down, he genuinely cares about the welfare of his cadets. Nonetheless, they were still grateful to Reiner, for no one really had the guts to stupidly approach the Commander without receiving a head butt.
In the farthest corner of the hall, the cadets swarmed towards Eren, Armin, and Mikasa’s table. They continuously praised Mikasa for how this is such an incredible feat for a cadet and how she is eligible to join the Military Police Brigade.
Eren was annoyed, not because he was jealous of Mikasa getting compliments. But rather, he wouldn’t want to be separated from Mikasa… and Armin. They came so far with their training and he had no idea what he would do without those two. Through Mikasa’s interventions, he became a better fighter and improved his battle prowess. Meanwhile, Armin helped him whenever he needed further explanation on some of the lessons and concepts that were taught in class that he simply couldn’t grasped during the first time that it was introduced.
Mikasa didn’t heed the cadets any mind, but she decided to speak up, and end the entire fiasco, and said, “I have no intentions of joining the MPs.” She paused, “My strength and power will only go to waste as I lazily sit back and enjoy the comforts of the Interior. I was given such power and I’d rather protect the weak and powerless, and defend humanity from the Titans.”
Eren admired Mikasa for all of her strength and beauty; this eventually led him to become jealous and treat Mikasa harshly. He was ashamed of his past actions because he strived to become an amazing soldier but he didn’t excel well despite doing everything at his power. While Mikasa, on the other hand, did not even need to work hard for she perfected everything in her path.
Looking back, he couldn’t fault Mikasa for getting overprotective of him considering that he recklessly heads straight into danger and acts impulsively. Her protective nature for him was warranted and understandable. Hell, even when he promised her that he wouldn’t die during the Titan invasion on Trost District; an hour after that, he lost a leg, got himself knocked onto the roof, and got swallowed by the Santa Claus Titan. If he wasn’t a Titan shifter, he would’ve been six feet below the ground way sooner than he expected.
Mikasa Ackerman protected Eren Jaeger throughout all of her life, and was willing to sacrifice her life if it meant keeping him away from danger. However, this was the same woman who put aside her selfish feelings of wanting to be with him, and prioritized the welfare of humanity. Hence, she dealt the killing blow of Eren Jaeger, as she slashed her own blade to her most beloved, the love of her life.
Everything was set in motion from the very beginning. He would come to save her, teach her how to live and fight, and continue to give her a reason to keep moving forward, even after his death.
Forever and ever. A promise that wasn’t fulfilled but will be, for the many lifetimes to come for Eren and Mikasa, because they are bound by the red string of fate. No matter where they were, they’ll always find their way back into each other’s warm and loving embrace.
In this lifetime, they weren’t meant to end up together, so maybe… just maybe… they can meet each other in a different world that isn’t so messed up like theirs. And in that world, they’ll finally be able to freely love each other in return, without fate interfering in their love. A world where Eren and Mikasa’s love didn’t become the ultimate sacrifice in order to save the world.
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Time works differently in Paths, as Zeke himself said.
Eren could not tell how long he had been staying in the Paths after wandering aimlessly. It felt like he’d been there for years but it also felt like it was over in an instant. Nonetheless, Eren was able to get a gist of how the Paths work, and he was able to control small animals to do his bidding.
The time will come when he’ll be able to go visit his friends and be reunited with them. Although Eren will only be the one to see them, watching his precious friends grow up and live peaceful lives.
Eren thought that this role of his that he is playing, reminds him of the legends of old from one of Armin’s books. A god who has two ravens – called Huginn and Muginn – that perches atop the God’s shoulders; as those ravens would fly all over the world, seeking news and bringing the God all the knowledge of things.
Out of all the animals that served Eren best, He chose birds considering that it reminds him of the insignia of the Survey Corps whom he has decided to dedicate his heart on; and birds has always represented freedom for him, the one thing that he was denied off from the very beginning.
“Eren… that is your name. Eren, you are free.”
What grand words that his father first said to him. It was a tragedy that he was never free from the moment he was born into this world; tied to an accursed fate of his, killed by the very blade of his own beloved. He didn’t know any better. If only he had known that this was the price of freedom, and the role that he would play would be that unthinkable, maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have paid for it.
Eren thought, how did things turn out this way? Ruined minds and bodies, people with no freedom left… people who even lost themselves. What kind of person would want to go to war, if they knew they were going to end up like this?
But… there was something there, all along... pushing them right into hell. For most of them, that something is not their own free will. They’re forced to by others, or by their environment… that’s why the people who push themselves into hell see a different hell from the rest of us. They also see something beyond that hell. Maybe it’s hope. Maybe it’s yet another hell. Eren did not know which it was but the only people who do know… are the ones who keep moving forward.
And so, he did. Eren kept moving forward even when he lost the will to live as he towered over his monstrous Founding Titan, giving him a front-row seat to the horror that he caused to the world, the devastating screams and anguished cries of the people getting trampled to their deaths.
Even till now, Eren did not know if it was either hope or just another hell that he witnessed. There was something there that pushed him all along and he did not truly know what it was but he just kept moving forward. It’s possible that it could be the Attack Titan’s desire for freedom or Ymir’s wish of being unshackled from the King but she never had the will to revolt against the King despite the great power that she holds.
There were so many internal and external factors that constituted to Eren enabling the Rumbling. He wanted to protect his people and precious friends while buying enough time that the world won’t launch an attack to the island and ensure that they’ll be able to live long happy lives after his passing. Eren also wanted to end the curse of Ymir and free all of the Subjects of Ymir.
However, Eren remembered that day, as he lay sprawled on the cobblestone floors, that was near the stairs to the river in Shiganshina; and transfixedly looked at the Walls that caged him from fully venturing the outside world and wondered what the mysteries that lay beyond their borders. It was then that Eren saw the silhouette of Armin at the corners of his eye; Armin came running towards his direction, as he tightly gripped that old leather-bound book while his eyes were shining as he told Eren about the beauty of the outside world.
Water on fire…
Land made of ice…
and snowy fields of sand.
Eren never thought of what lay beyond their Walls, it was only after Armin told him the contents of his book that it opened Eren’s eyes, and he realized how they weren’t free at all and the thought of it infuriated him; and whenever he looked at the Walls that surrounded his hometown, everything that Eren saw is himself being locked in a bird cage.
The dream that he had with Armin, where they would travel and explore the world beyond the Walls. However, that never came true, as he and the rest of the Survey Corps first arrived at the ocean and he asked that question. The world was infinitely large and it was nothing like the world he’d seen and imagined in Armin’s book.
This dream was something that he couldn’t just let go. Yes, it is selfish but he wanted that naive and childish dream of his to become a reality but it was far from that. The ocean was never freedom, the ocean was just another wall, and Eren never left the walls but he took it along with him, as he trampled the lives of millions and destroyed countless ecosystems.
He told Armin that he did it for his friends and the island, but he knows that isn’t exactly true. He stopped caring to explain on why he did the Rumbling because he couldn’t even put into words on why he did it. Well, he knows his reasons but will Armin ever come to understand that one of his convictions in enabling the Rumbling stemmed from his and Armin’s innocent dream of when they were just kids?
No. Armin wouldn’t be able to understand and he would be ashamed to outright say this to him. Most importantly, no matter what, the magnitude of his crimes can never be forgiven and justified. He was already irredeemable at that point, that even a thousand lifetimes of atonement wouldn’t be enough to make up for what he did.
Eren thought that despite the future being already laid out for him, he wanted it. There is nothing that he could do to change his mind on. He wanted to believe that he was the master of his own fate, but he was a slave just like anyone else is.
Sometimes, he thought, what if, what if during the ceremony of when he kissed Historia’s hand, and he wasn’t able to access and see glimpses of the future, what would have happened then? Would he have gone the same route from what he did on this timeline? Or would things have been that drastically different?
Eren thought that it was useless on dwelling with the ‘what ifs’ because this was the self-destructive march that he took. Eren did not have any regrets for what he did, but the pain did not make it any less; and he hated that he had to go through such great lengths in order to end the existence of the Titans, and let his friends experience a semblance of peace and solitude.
However, he thought that maybe in another lifetime, he could’ve been with his comrades advocating for peace talks to the rest of the world; the Island Devils negotiating that they have no intentions of enabling the Rumbling and that they solely seek peace and prosperity. And Eren will only enact the Rumbling if they were finally backed unto a corner and that was their only last option.
Eren truly missed Mikasa… Armin and the rest of his friends. He felt as if there was a gaping hole inside his chest. He never felt this intensely even when he was in Marley all alone. However, the difference from that is that he was still breathing and he would soon be reunited with them despite their possible reunion being in horrible circumstances. But at the moment, he was in a path where he can no longer follow his lover and friends, separated by death.
He did not deserve any ounce of forgiveness from them, but a part of him wished that his friends will honor and keep his memory as the boy who was once “the Hope and Savior of Humanity”, and not the man who made the world into a living hell and became the product of the world’s hatred and rage, a monster. Even if his friends would eventually come to hate him, he’ll reluctantly but eventually accept it with a heavy heart.
Being in the Paths realms was indeed a lonely existence. Nonetheless, Eren was grateful for the Founder Ymir’s gift wherein he could command the birds to do his own bidding, such as keeping a watchful eye on his friends as time slowly passes by. He thought that this was more than what he truly deserves. However, it won’t be long until it’ll be possible for him to come-and-go from the Paths realm and he’ll be able to see his friends live peacefully and have kids of their own, as they slowly grow old and weary. The one thing that the boy who sought for freedom couldn’t even experience because he will forever remain at the age of nineteen.