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Jeonghan looks across the room, where Joshua is sat next to Junhui, listening to him talk with a giddy smile on his face. Joshua looks older in the soft light floating through the room from the candles, but he also looks happy. There's a pinch in Jeonghan's heart and he turns back to his drink.
Joshua walks towards him, cheeks slightly tinted red and sits next to Jeonghan.
„Hi.“ he says and Jeonghan nods back.
„Hi.“
Joshua just kinda leans towards Jeonghan, resting his head on Jeonghan's shoulder. It’s a familiar weight and Jeonghan sighs into it. He just wants to stay like this, Joshua leaning onto him forever. He knows he could give Joshua exactly what Junhui dies, but he missed his chance years ago. It‘s a pity, really, and one Jeonghan tries to not think about even though it eats away at him.
Before Joshua can start any conversation about what Jeonghan’s been dreading, he spots Minghao across the room and leaps at the chance.
„Sorry, I had something to ask Myungho.“
He gets up and Joshua falls against the couch with a little oompf .
He blinks slowly up at Jeonghan. „Okay, I‘ll wait for you.“
Jeonghan knows it’s applied to the situation but he wishes he could relate it to them in general. Jeonghan wishes Joshua would wait for him in general. Wait until Jeonghan has a life of his own until he moves out.
Minghao sees him and smiles. Jeonghan takes one look at the ripped jeans and the half unbuttoned silk shirt Minghao is wearing and knows exactly where he wants this night to end.
„So you did decide to show up.“ he says and leans against the counter facing Minghao.
„Junnie texted me Soonyoung was doing a keg stand and I just had to see for myself.
Jun. Of course. Jeonghan knows he's a terrible person but every time he thinks about Junhui he gets a sour taste in his mouth. It's just like Jeonghan to recoil at his best friend experiencing happiness. He hates himself. He hates Jun. He hates Joshua. He hates himself.
He tries to seem normal and bounce back with a joke.
„Oh you just missed that. Now you‘ll have to settle for my lowly company.“ Jeonghan laughs and Minghao grants him one of those giggles that makes his heart jump.
„I can definitely settle for that.“
Conversation between them flows easily and the deeper Jeonghan gets into his drink the more he feels confident he might get to go home with Minghao.
Minghao is moving closer to Jeonghan and Jeonghan notices the red tint on his cheeks mixed with delicate highlighter.
„Say Myungho,“ he starts,
„what would you do if I were to go outside for a smoke and ask you to take me home?“
It's bold, even for him, but he finds he doesn't care. Not with the way he can still see Joshua and Junhui all over each other on the couch, Junhui now sitting in the spot Jeonghan left earlier.
Minghao quirks an eyebrow and takes a slow sip before answering.
„I would ask you for a lighter and then get a cab.“
Jeonghan grabs his coat and follows Minghao outside without saying goodbye to Joshua.
Jeonghan gets out two cigarettes when they’re outside and hands one to Minghao. He lights his first, taking a big drag and closing his eyes, feeling the numb burn in his lungs. He's never been a big smoker but sometimes it‘s just something he needs to distract himself.
He watches Minghao put the cigarette between his lips and look at Jeonghan with eager eyes.
He holds out the lighter in front of Minghao, watching the light reflect in his Irises when the flame touches the cigarette. Minghao‘s eyes flutter shut and he inhales. He must clearly do this more often than Jeonghan.
Jeonghan tries to identify the silence between them but he can't quite figure it out. It's not uncomfortable per se but he still feels uneasy. He doesn't want to chalk it up to insecurities, he slept with more people than he could count but for some reason he‘s anxious about it this time.
He ignores it as he moves closer to Minghao and crowds him against the brick wall of the building they just left.
Minghao has to slightly look down on Jeonghan. It's really only a little bit but enough to make Jeonghan feel slightly threatened. Enough to make him want to prove himself.
Minghao seems to notice this even if he doesn't tease him about it, because he lets himself be moved around easily enough, lets Jeonghan cradle his shoulders and move in to kiss him.
They're both probably too tipsy but neither seem to mind. Jeonghan moves his hands to Minghaos hips and squeezes a bit and Minghao whines into his mouth, almost making him choke.
„I think it‘s time to call a cab or I‘m gonna suck your dick in this alley“ Jeonghan sighs, too out of breath to seem steady with his words and Minghao laughs.
„That's not the threat you think it is.“ He still gets his phone out of his pocket and calls a taxi.
Jeonghan hides that remark away in his mind for later as he tries to keep his hands to himself while they wait.
They sit in silence in the taxi, street lights passing by and temporarily flooding the car.
After an incident with one of his hookups Jeonghan made it his mission to never bother a driver again so he purposefully avoids touching Minghao until they’re at his place.
Minghao leads him up to the apartment and pushes Jeonghan against the door after taking his shoes off.
Jeonghan runs his hands up Minghao‘s sides and unbuttons the silk shirt so he can touch his skin.
Minghao sighs in his ear when Jeonghan's fingers dance over his ribs, drawing circles and bringing them closer together.
„You‘re so pretty“, Minghao murmurs and tightens his fingers in Jeonghans hair.
If it was anyone else Jeonghan would‘ve felt insecure about being called pretty while soneone looked at his chin length hair, but for some reason he knows Minghao doesn't mean it that way. He gets the feeling Minghao would call him pretty even if he was super buff and had a buzzcut.
But he doesn't let himself think about it too much and focuses more on Minghao, who's so so beautiful and real in front of him. Much more real than those thoughts.
They move to the bedroom, Minghao shoving him onto the bed, making him bounce when his back hits the mattress.
„Didn't think you‘d be so rough.“ He notes and Minghao draws back a bit.
„Is it okay? Or do you not like it?“ his hands have stopped at the seam of Jeonghan's pants, gripping the fabric there and now shaking a little which would be lost to Jeonghan if he wasn’t so attentive.
„No no I do, I'm just a bit surprised.“ He answers and Minghao visibly relaxes.
They continue like this, tangled between the sheets, Minghao flipping them around at some point so Jeonghan is cradling his lap, riding against him.
Until—
„Actually I lied. A bit.“ Minghao pants, his breath fanning across Jeonghan's lips. Jeonghan's hair is so long it frames Minghaos face.
„I didn't come to the party because Jun told me about Soonyoung.“
That makes Jeonghan stiffen up a bit. Why are they talking about Junhui now?
„He told me you were there.“
Jeonghan knows it's meant to be sweet. He knows he should think kindly of this sentence, he knows neither Minghao nor Junhui meant anything more by it but still, he freezes.
„Why did Junhui—“, he can't even get the sentence out but Minghaos eyes dart between Jeonghan and the wall. He looks shocked. Jeonghan wishes he didn't, but he can't help causing a scene.
„Oh did Joshua tell him? Is he trying to set me up?“
„What? he didn't—“, Minghao tries but Jeonghan is already sitting up, hands crossed over his chest because he suddenly feels too naked and exposed.
„Is Joshua telling everyone how lonely and sad I am so he can finally leave too?“
The words sting but Jeonghan can't stop them.
His eyes sting too but he‘s ignoring that.
„Jeonghan, no that's not—„
Minghao puts a hand on his shoulders to soothe him but he flinches away.
„Jun was just mentioning you two were coming to the party, no one said anything about you being lonely I‘m sorry.“ Minghao is rambling, wringing his hands frantically and great , now Jeonghan made Minghao feel like shit, the one person who really has nothing to do with this.
He buries his head in his hands and grabs his hair so tight it hurts.
„Ah Myungho I‘m sorry I shouldn‘t have acted out, I‘m stupid I‘m sorry.“ He doesn't even dare to look at Minghao.
There’s silence and then he feels gentle hands pry his own away from his face.
„Shh it's okay. I‘m sorry I didn't know this was a topic for you, I shouldn't have brought it up.“
„No it’s alright, I shouldn't have dumped this on you.“
He tries to really make his words mean sonething.
The mood has shifted so drastically in the room he feels he needs to leave immediately.
„I‘m sorry Myungho, I should leave, I promise I‘ll make it up to you.“ He already moves to get out of the bed but Minghao grabs his wrist.
„You really don't have you. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.“
Jeonghan hates how honest Minghao is. His words make him feel stripped bare and layed out into the sun, shriveling into himself.
It is something he should be embarrassed about. And he is. He can’t believe Minghao would think otherwise.
„Still, I really want to go home. I'm sorry.“ he says and pretends he can't see hurt flash over Minghaos face. He knows he‘s spitting apologies like cherry pits and they’re slowly piling around Minghao but he pretends he doesn’t notice that either.
„Are you sure you‘re alright?“ Minghao just asks, still loosely hanging onto his wrist.
„Yeah of course.“ He coughs out behind clenched teeth that are meant to look like a smile. They don't feel like it.
„I swear I'll make it up to you. I‘ll give you the blowjob of your life.“
He forces out a smile and Minghao forces out a laugh and then he's out the door and on the subway home and in his own bathroom. He doesn't bother to clean his face and doesn‘t care he's not being quiet, he figures Joshua is sleeping at Junhui‘s place anyways.
He falls asleep in a cold bed and counts his missed opportunities like sheep before he drifts off.
—-
He wakes up and Joshua is still not there, a „I‘m having breakfast with Junnie, sorry!“ message lighting up his screen.
Jeonghan doesn't want to think about it but Joshua might already be living at Junhui‘s place anyways.
He gets out his depressed sulking cereal and makes some coffee along with it, trying to not think bitter thoughts.
Jeonghan knows that Joshua and Jun are getting awfully close in their relationship. Start a life together close, but where does that leave Jeonghan? He's been living together with Joshua for 4 years at this point, been best friends for even longer.
He knows Joshua is gonna want to move out soon, knows that Joshua has been wanting to ask for weeks now but doesn't know how to. Jeonghan has been able to read the air shifting around Joshua for forever.
He also knows there's nothing else to expect but doesn't want to have that true. One part of him thinks that they were best friends, inseparable, the strongest bond in the world.. While the other, smaller part of him has been watching Joshua slip from his fingers for a long time now.
And really, it has nothing to do with Junhui either. Probably has more to do with Jeonghan, he thinks. He's too .. Jeonghan , too a weird mix of clingy and distant, never knowing how to express his feelings so they end up jumbled and make him be mean and immature. He knows Joshua is frustrated. He doesn't want it to be true.
It's just… convenient, having Joshua be his friend for this long. He doesn't want a new best friend. He doesn‘t want someone else to have to learn about everything, doesn‘t want someone to trace every edge and cut themselves when Joshua always just smoothed them over.
And even if they did, it still wouldn‘t be the same. There would always be pieces missing. They wouldn't know the exact way he used to like his iced tea when he was 14. He wouldn't get to experience first trip abroad first night in a club first time smoking again.
There‘s just so much history between them, Jeonghan realizes with numb horror. Memories stacked in the spaces between them while they move through the motions.
Joshua knows why Jeonghan‘s favourite sweater is his favourite, Joshua knows exactly what playlist he wants to listen to when the first sun starts to come out in march.
Holding onto this best friendship is convenient, it‘s the right thing to do.
When he locks away the true feelings in his heart he can convince himself of this.
When he doesn't manage to do this, he knows there's more.
He's scared that if there isn't the bond of convenience, of old patterns and it's easier to just hang out with you, no one would even try to get close to him. They would take one look at him, and leave when he showed one of his moods. He is scared he would just always be in between other friendships, a placeholder no one really dares to move but doesn't really want around either. So he clings onto Joshua, tries to reel him back in even though he's drifted away already.
He’d rather live with this slowly fading illusion than try to look for something better.
He's washing the dishes and sees Joshua linger in the doorframe, like a second thought catching between his teeth.
Jeonghan can feel Joshua trying to find the right words and he can't help but selfishly cut through the silence.
“Do you want some tea?”, he asks, already reaching for the cups.
“Oh yeah, thank you.” Joshua replies, soft eyes flitting over Jeonghan's face. “Thank you.”
Again, Jeonghan ignores the pang in his chest
„So how was yesterday?“ Joshua asks, carefully as always.
Jeonghan pretends to play dumb. He‘s been getting really good at it lately.
„Huh?“
„I saw you leave with Minghao.“
„Oh yeah. I did.“ he wants Joshua to poke further but also doesn't really want to talk about it. He feels his face heat up and hopes Joshua doesn't notice. Of course he does.
„Everything alright? Did you not—“
„No. Just because I go home with a guy doesn’t mean I wanna fuck him.“
Joshua quirks an eyebrow.
„C‘mon, have you seen Minghao? Are you feeling alright?“ there's amusement in his voice but Jeonghan doesn't appreciate the joke.
„Very funny.“ He snaps and gets up to take his cup to the sink.
„Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't think you were serious.“ Joshua says.
„Well, I am.“ He crosses his arms over his chest.
„I'm sorry.“ Joshua says again and doesn't look at Jeonghan. He looks uncomfortable and that makes some sick part in Jeonghan's brain incredibly satisfied.
„Well, the mood is already ruined so I might as well talk about it now.“ Joshua says and Jeonghan feels his stomach drop so fast he thinks he might throw up for a second.
„Talk about what?“ he presses out, mouth dry as chalk.
„C‘mon you know this was coming.“
„What was coming?“
Jeonghan knows he‘s being like a little kid who covers his ears going lalala but he doesn't feel like being mature today.
„Me. Moving out. Jun asked me a few weeks ago.“
Jeonghan really feels like throwing up now.
„Weeks? Why didn't you talk about it sooner then?“
Jeonghan is aware that he's the reason Joshua has been dancing around it but he doesn‘t want to admit that.
„Everytime I tried you kinda ditched the topic as if you were avoiding it without really knowing what's it about.“
„That’s ridiculous“ Jeonghan barks, feeling himself grow frantic
„You know it’s not.“ Joshua says with his stupid calm voice and Jeonghan really wants to break something.
“I don‘t even know what that means” he laughs and starts to scrub his teacup so hard he wonders if its gonna leave scratches.
“I just–”, Joshua runs a hand through his hair, breathing out and clearly growing frustrated.
Good. the ugly part of Jeonghans brain thinks.
“You know you’re my best friend.”, he starts again and Jeonghan tries to suppress a sarcastic laugh. It comes out as a wince instead.
“No, I mean it. You are. But I’m really in love with Jun. And we’re actually adults now so I really want to move in with him. And he does too. Of course I wouldnt move out until you found a new place or new flatmate because neither of us can afford two rents a month and I’d try to stay close so we could still do our tuesday night cooking and I–”,
Joshua starts rambling away and in a split second heartbreaking realization Jeonghan has to come to terms with the fact that this is really happening. He knows Joshua, so he also knows when he’s serious about something. And he seems to be really serious about this.
Then he feels a shame so profound and burning he almost flinches away. What an awful rotten person he is for even being envious about this for a second. This is his best friend and he‘s here sulking like an 8 year old just because he can‘t face being alone or meeting new people. He feels awful and pathetic.
“I’m sorry. Of course you should move in with Junhui.” He tries to muster up a smile and Joshua seems to see it for what it is. He’s always been able to read Jeonghan like a book, as much as he didn‘t want to be seen at all, trying to close himself off and hide in the dust.
“I really don‘t want to leave you.” Joshua admits, not even looking at Jeonghan.
“And I really don‘t want you to leave.” Jeonghan tries to say so quietly it would go unnoticed but obviously Joshua catches it.
“I guess this is how it is then.” Joshua says and then laughs.
“Ahh this feels so weird I’m sorry for making it weird.”
Jeonghan shakes his head.
“No, I made it weird. I’m sorry.”
—-
From then it seems like a weird half fast forward kind of movie reel, that Jeonghan can just sit and watch in silent horror.
Joshua cleaning out hus closet.
Junhui and Joshua browsing for flats for rent, looking at cheap second hand furniture with bright eyes.
Jeonghan panicking because he still hasn't even tried to find a new roommate. Part of him wants to lie to Joshua about having found one and then overwork himself everyday to pay for two people so he doesn‘t have to think about being abandoned.
—-
It's a wednesday early evening when Jeonghan goes to a bar close to the uni campus.
He couldn't stand the muffled voice calls of Joshua and Junhui debating where they would put Junhui's giant monstera plant.
The dread of having to live alone, of losing so much time in the future with Joshua is eating away at him, so he figures getting absolutely wasted in the middle of the week would make him forget a bit of it.
It‘s funny really. He never thought of himself as lonely, because he was always surrounded by friends and most importantly, by Joshua. And now that he's slowly leaving he's realizing how much of his comfort space he built around him.
And it scares him. He doesn‘t want to be alone but he also doesn‘t want to find another friend to live with.
It's too much to even think about putting out an ad searching for a new roommate, so he goes drinking instead.
One of his course mates, Kim Mingyu works as a bartender and Jeonghan knows he only has to let his hair fall around his face prettily and listen to what Mingyu has to say to get free drinks or an extra shot slipped in here and there. By the way Mingyu keeps eyeing Jeonghan he‘s very aware it wouldn‘t take much to let Mingyu take him home and probably fuck him until he forgot about the situation he‘s in, he doesn‘t really feel like it.
And then Xu Minghao walks in, and –hm isn't that something.
Minghao spots him across the bar and sits down next to him.
“What brings you here?”, he says instead of a greeting.
“I could ask you the same thing.” Jeonghan counters and Minghao smiles.
“Fair. Let me buy you a drink?”
“If you insist.”
Minghao gets them two somaek and they kind of just drink in relative silence until Minghao tries again.
“Sorry, I don‘t mean to be nosy but are you alright? You look really sad.” Minghao says a while later and Jeonghan has to remind himself not to be too cruel because Minghao doesn‘t even know him like that, doesn‘t know all his sarcastic mean quirks.
“If you ignore that my best friend who I think actually hates me is moving in with his boyfriend leaving me alone and not even knowing how much that sucks for me because I‘m too much of a stupid fuck up to actually be open about that, I‘m great. Peachy even.” Minghao raises an eyebrow but composes himself quickly enough at Jeonghan's outburst.
Jeonghan orders another shot from Mingyu but Minghao puts his hand over the glass.
“Hey this is nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm glad you told me.”
He looks at Jeonghan with such kind eyes it makes him want to bolt out of the place. Much like that night a few weeks ago.
“Also this is probably my fault anyways. Jun is my roommate and I know how head over heels he is for Joshua, so I kinda encouraged him to finally ask him to move in together.
And now I'm also left looking for a new roommate.” He looks so sorry and Jeonghan tries to ignore the bile rising in his throat and focus more on Minghao being in the same situation as him.
He downs the shot and takes a leap he's way too scared to.
“I mean if we're both looking for roommates, why don‘t you move into my place and Joshua moves in at your place. Then we would all save ourselves the new leasing stuff. And we don‘t even have to be super close or anything. If you want to be left alone I can do that, we can just live in peace until either of us have found something new. That way Junhui and Joshua would also have it easier and you wouldn–”
Minghao put one of his hands above Jeonghans.
“I’m in.” Jeonghan stops.
“Really?”,
“Yeah. You and I get along well, we go to the same uni and basically have the same friends. So why not make it easier for everyone and just do this.”
Jeonghan doesn‘t really know what to do with all this information and everything at the moment but it seems so much better than having to search for something new so he agrees.
—
The days go by even faster now that they made the arrangements. By the end of next month, Joshua and Minghao would basically switch places, and Jeonghan would have to get used to a completely new routine.
—
Joshua is slowly coming in and packing more and more stuff, moving boxes and getting ready to leave. Jeonghan swallows the real meaning of it down.
Letting go of Joshua, risking to just destroy the friendship because he's convinced Joshua only spends time with him because they live together.
Everything seems like a blur and it feels like he only blinks a few times when Joshua's stuff is suddenly gone and Minghao‘s is there instead.
A few days later they get a housewarming party invitation in the mail.
Jeonghan throws it on the kitchen table and laughs.
“Should we do something like this too Myungho? A housewarming party?”, he tries to cover his sadness in spite but Minghao doesn‘t seem convinced.
“You know it's a different situation. But let's go anyways, I know you want to get drunk and make out with a pretty stranger.”
Jeonghan almost recoils at that. How would Minghao know him? But he kinda seems to actually do, because what he said is spot on.
“Yeah, lets go.” he says and continues unwrapping Minghaos abundance of nice teacups, putting them in the place where Joshuas used to be.
They arrive at the party already tipsy because Minghao insisted they try a new wine one of his friends gave him, and it was so good they shared the whole bottle.
Jeonghan immediately spots Mingyu across the room, tall and broad and pretty as ever, and thinks about how to take him home tonight. Then he sees Joshua and those thoughts vanish instantly.
They haven’t really talked that much since he moved out. Joshua videocalls Jeonghan a lot but Jeonghan keeps making up stupid excuses to ditch his calls. But now he's here, real, in front of him.
He grips his drink like armour and approaches Joshua.
„Hey.“ he smiles.
„Hi. I miss you.“
Joshua's words seem to punch him, because he hasn’t even really had time to think about how much he actually misses Joshua too, but now he realises.
„I miss you too. I didn’t know a different kind of quiet could be boring.“
Joshua chuckles and looks at the floor.
„I know I don’t act like it,“ he shakes his head,
„I know I act like the exact opposite of it, but I‘m happy you found Junhui. I‘m glad you moved in together. I‘m sorry I've been such an asshole.“
The apology burns like acid through his throat but he feels he just had to say it, no matter how much it‘d hurt his ego.
„Don‘t be, you haven’t been.“ Joshua tries but Jeonghan stops him.
„No. I have. But it’s just like that sometimes.“
Jeonghan takes every ounce of courage he has to say what he actually means to. Without all the vitriol, without the extra layers of spite he normally wraps himself up as protection.
„I know it’s stupid, but I was so scared of you completely forgetting about me and everything we‘ve been through together once you moved out. I kinda felt like that flat was the only thing that kept you close to me. But I hope that’s not the case.“
The next thing he‘s too scared to say, and he hopes Joshua understands like he always does.
He sees Joshua swallow once, then blink and stare at him so intensely as if to say exactly what Jeonghan needs to hear. And then he actually says it out loud.
„Jeonghannie I love you, you know that right? of course i wouldn’t forget about you. I‘m sorry you’ve been so worried about that.“
He looks genuinely sad about it and that’s enough for Jeonghan.
They're sitting on a couch, again, and this time, Jeonghan stays next to Joshua, leaning on his shoulder and drifting off into a peaceful nap.