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It starts the same way every night. Niall curls up in his bunk or bed, depending on how far they need to travel to get to the next venue, and he curls up around his mobile, waiting for it to ring, waiting for the onslaught to occur.
If anyone were to ask, which they won’t because Niall would rather die than have anyone else know, Niall has no clue how this all started. It went from being so wonderful to be on tour with the boys and has turned into this system of events that Niall doesn’t even know how to handle.
The first time his dad calls him, Niall’s pressed against Louis, laughing with him about the glitch in a video game that they’re playing. He’s still laughing as he pulls away from Louis and climbs over Harry to answer his phone. “Hello, dad,” Niall says cheerfully and he’s met with a huff that instantly states that he needs to leave the room because whatever his dad has to say is not going to be pleasant.
He sneaks off to his bunk and sits down in his bunk as his dad starts screaming in his ear, cussing him out about their most recent interview. “I don’t give a shit if your friends are homo faggots but I will not have my son be one, Niall!” The first time his dad says this, Niall flinches but he doesn’t say anything because if he knows his father, and he knows his father, responding to his shouting in any way whatsoever will just destroy every last bit of their relationship and that’s not something Niall’s willing to risk. He just sits there and listens to his father, flinching and wincing at every curse that’s spat at him, at every derogatory statement that’s made about him or his mates but he doesn’t dare say a word. When his father’s finished, he hangs up the phone, tucks it beneath his pillow and goes back out to the boys, curling up against Louis again.
It keeps happening just like that for a week until Niall realises that it makes so much more sense to just stay in his bunk or bed and wait for the call rather than have to pull away from the boys every single day, so that’s what he does. Every night of tour now, he’s been pressed against a pillow, clinging to his mobile until it buzzes, and only then does he sit up and listen silently to his father scream at him about his behaviour, about how he’s not having any of this queer business and about how Niall needs to straighten himself out before he gets home or else.
It’s not that he starts pulling away, because if he did that then the others would be on him about it before he could even manage to do so, but Niall starts to break. He starts to feel sick to his stomach every time he’s pressed up against Liam or whenever Zayn hugs him because all he can think about is those words and how much a disappointment he must be to his family, to his father, because of who he is.
His father’s never been happy with the way that he’s chosen to go about life. Niall was never like Greg; he never managed to get any awards for footie and his grades weren’t the best, but he did try. His father just didn’t see that and in the end it really didn’t matter. Niall remembers that when he told his father he was going to try out for X Factor, he was responded with a, ‘you’d better not be turning into a fag on me boy.’ In general, his mum’s always been the one that relates to Niall, but it’s really never been a problem until now.
Now, the stress of these nightly phone calls has wound up inside of him and Niall feels like it’s just waiting for the chance to burst, to explode everywhere in the most destructive way it can. And Niall doesn’t want that. He’s not self-deprecating by any means and he’s never felt destructive like this, so these emotions are something he doesn’t handle, doesn’t process. He just buries them beneath his calm demeanor and focuses on pointless jokes about footie and games and food because that’s all he can do.
~
Everything starts to lose meaning after a while. They’re booked in a hotel for the night and everyone’s got their own room because management’s feeling particularly nice about the fact that they have a break and might just need some space away from each other. It isn’t so and they’re kind of glad that corporate’s yet to figure this out because it means more space to roam about and start pillow fights between. Liam’s even declared that this added nicety is going to leave Paul with a migraine by the end of the weekend.
Niall’s just ordered room service; everything that he possibly can manage because he likes to take advantage of the nights when they don’t have to get takeaway and the boys always end up stealing some of his food by the time it comes. He’s curled up on the bed, waiting for the phone call and the room service guy to show up, whichever comes first, and of course it’s his father.
Only this time the swears have meaning behind them and the curses have transformed. Not only is his father screaming about the way that they’ve acted in interviews and concerts, but taken his anger at this behaviour and transposed it over Niall’s entire life. If it wasn’t for the fact that every word is building a bigger and bigger boulder in Niall’s stomach he would laugh right now at the fact that his father has decided to take every moment of his eighteen years of life and shit on everything that he’s ever done wrong.
Niall hangs up just in time for his food to appear at the door. He tips the person and drags the cart inside, anything but hungry at this point. Still, the food’s fresh and hot and there’s enough for at least five people to engorge themselves on so Niall can’t let all of this go to waste. He sits on the bed and stares at the food for a moment before he just starts eating.
And he eats and eats until he physically cannot convince himself to take another bite of this delicious food. He’s emptied at least three full plates and his stomach is threatening to explode in a way that really, really isn’t comfortable, so Niall forces himself to get up off of the bed and wander over to the toilet, hoping that it doesn’t actually follow through with its threat.
It does, of course, and as Niall’s retching into the porcelain bowl, he feels like his stomach isn’t just purging itself of the food that he’s filled it to the brim with but also the words that his father’s spat at him, the feelings of uselessness and hopelessness and downright upset that have nestled their way into his body and stayed there until now. Niall feels a little bit better despite the fact that his fingers are gripping to the edges of the toilet, scrabbling for some sort of purchase against the smooth material.
By the time that his stomach’s called it quits, Niall’s already got a plan forming in his head that if he just inhales too much food and pukes it up sometimes no one’s going to really notice. No one will really care, and it’s an added stress reliever. Somehow the concept of displaying disordered eating habits has woven its way into his brain and while Niall knows it’s wrong, he can’t shake the feeling that this is something he wants to do. This is a way that he’s willing to handle everything so that it doesn’t explode in everyone’s faces.
Liam comes to find him, to ask why he hasn’t joined them yet for a film and Niall picks himself off of the floor, brushes his teeth and decides that he can tolerate being himself and being around his mates if he has this way to rid himself of all of the bad feelings, of all of the pain that his father willingly inflicts on him.
It’s not much, but it’s a start to relief, or to a self-destructive path that has no ending.
~
“Niall, mate, have you been feeling alright?” Niall looks up from the breakfast that he’s inhaling faster than lightning and he nods, smiling at Harry who’s staring at him like he’s worried, which he obviously is.
“Yeah,” he manages between bites of pancakes, sausage and eggs. “What’s up?”
Harry shrugs and he spears a piece of his waffle, not eating it yet but at least prepping to do so. “You’ve just been looking under the weather is all. And your voice sounds a little strained. They might end up putting you on vocal rest if it keeps getting worse and…” Niall knows this is about having to possibly cancel gigs which is something that Harry hates doing.
Niall slurps up the last of his orange juice and he grins at Harry. “I’m fine,” he promises even though he knows he’s not. “See? Even drinking my vitamin C.” He finishes off the meal and tries to ignore how the last few days of forcing himself to purge away the food and the feelings has left him feeling weaker than usual, less active and less motivated to keep going despite the slight bit of happiness that he’s added in. While it makes it easier to listen to his dad on the phone every night and easier to be around the boys without feeling absolutely worthless, it’s affecting him in ways that he didn’t expect.
He slips away from the breakfast table before Harry can say anything else on the matter and heads back to his room to finish packing. They’re leaving for their next venue once everyone’s done eating and is back on the bus, so Niall doesn’t have much time to befriend the toilet this morning, something that he’s sorely going to need.
It’s been hard, forcing himself to get rid of this food. Not even close to easy like Niall was hoping, and that’s a bit disappointing considering how easily the body disposes of food whenever it feels overwhelmed or sickened by it. Niall’s found, though, that he spends most of his time coughing, gagging and choking on his finger and the saliva that slithers down his throat as a precursor. It hurts, to force himself to regurgitate the barely-eaten food, and Niall’s starting to learn what hurts more to dispose of so that he can stay away from it.
This isn’t healthy, and Niall knows that, but it’s not like he’s prepared to change it now. No. Over the past few days that he’s done this he’s been happier overall. Tired, yes. Weaker, yes. But happier. And that’s what really matters to Niall in the end is his happiness with himself and his happiness for the boys and the fans. He could care less about anything else.
“Niall, let’s go!” The pounding on his door combined with Zayn and Louis both shouting at him is more than enough indication that he spent too much time in the bathroom and not enough packing, so he rushes to throw whatever he has left into his overnight bag and leaves the room without even checking to make sure that he’s got everything.
“Woah, mate, are you alright?” Niall hesitates as Louis stares at him, peering closer at him and it makes Niall uncomfortable. “Your eyes are all red. Have you been crying?”
“No,” Niall replies quickly and he curses himself for not checking to make sure that he looked somewhat-decent before leaving the room. “Got soap in my eyes while washing my face and now my eyes are irritated.” He shrugs a little bit as Louis stares at him and shrinks back against the door for a moment before Louis deems his story to be adequate enough and slings an arm around his shoulders, switching the topic to something that Niall has no clue about.
He zones out and thanks whatever put that lie into his brain and only then does he realise that this is officially a thing that’s started now. He’s now lying to his best friends and brothers and Niall’s really not sure how okay he is with that concept. His stomach turns in unease and the desire to dispose of these feelings in the toilet is overwhelming. Niall can feel the tremor of guilt start to spread throughout his body and he hopes that Louis doesn’t notice the fact that he’s started to slightly shake beneath his touch.
They all hand their hotel keys over to Paul, and bless Paul, Niall thinks, for putting up with the fact that Louis has somehow managed to punch holes into his keycard, and climb onto the bus without another thought. Liam instantly heads to the back to read or something like he always does, Zayn’s curled up in his bunk to get a few more hours of sleep and Harry and Louis are bouncing around like idiots they are all over the couch. Niall hesitates for a moment before he decides to retire to his bunk too, something that’s really unlike him since he tends to spend time with Liam or the married couple whenever he can.
Of course, by doing this he earns looks from Harry and Louis and Liam ends up checking up on him a few minutes afterwards by quietly trying to coax him out to sit with him while he’s reading. Niall gives up on trying to fight against Liam’s wishes because it’s Liam and he’s like a puppy in the sense that you can’t crush his feelings. He ends up pressed into Liam’s side, his head on Liam’s shoulder and Liam’s arm circled gently around his waist as he reads his book and Niall dozes on his shoulder.
Niall doesn’t even realise that he ended up falling asleep until Liam’s nudging him awake by pressing his nose against Niall’s cheek. As he comes to, he thinks about the fact that Liam’s come so far with the touches since they started and the thought makes him smile slightly. “You fell asleep,” Liam comments as Niall stretches and turns to face him, his smile still in place. “It’s good to see you smiling. I’ve missed that smile.”
The reality of Liam’s declaration hits Niall and the smile falters slightly because he hasn’t been smiling much lately. He hasn’t found much reason to, but then he’s reminded about these simple things like Liam’s willingness to be touched and show affection and they’ve started to appear again. Niall can’t help but relate his ability to smile more again with the fact that he’s been able to make friends with the toilet in a way that he never has before. There’s another check mark for bad behaviours and Niall can’t help but wonder if everything’s just going to become completely normal again thanks to that ability to get rid of all of the bad feelings and the stress with his food.
“Sorry,” Niall admits as he places a hand on Liam’s knee and Liam almost instantly covers it with his own hand. “I’ve just been sort of distracted lately.”
“What by?” Liam asks and Niall hesitates for a moment before he shakes his head, mumbling something about how it’s not important and that he’s already figured it all out. “Niall,” Liam says in that tone that he can only pin down as ‘Responsible Liam’, “If anything’s ever bothering you you can come to me about it. You know that right?”
“Of course I do, Liam. You said it from the day we met. We’re in this together so there’s no reason to go through anything alone.”
Liam laughs and Niall doesn’t miss the way that Liam’s fingers curl around Niall’s, holding his hand gently. “I can’t believe that you still remember that. I didn’t even until you reminded me about it.”
Niall shrugs a bit before he smiles at Liam. “I’ve just got a knack for remembering, I guess.”
“I can tell.” Liam’s smiling brightly in return and he’s just completely squeezing Niall’s hand at this point. “At least you’re not losing your memory like I am apparently.”
Niall hesitates for a moment because he knows that what he says next can either prove his father to be completely right or just admit what he’s been feeling now for a while. “I just tend to try and remember what you say,” he admits finally and Liam’s expression softens in a way that warms Niall’s heart. Niall squeezes Liam’s hand back and somehow they manage to shift so that their hands are wrapped around each other’s and they’re holding on properly. “I’m glad you didn’t win X Factor in 2008, Liam.”
“You know what?” Liam looks at Niall and his eyes seem like they’re sparkling with something that Niall’s never seen before. “I’m glad I didn’t too.”
They don’t say anything else until they arrive at their destination. Instead they just sit there, curled up against each other, their hands intertwined and that’s enough for the both of them. In fact, Niall’s the happiest he’s been in a long time.
~
“You didn’t sound so well on your solos tonight,” Zayn comments as they climb back onto the bus and Niall hesitates to respond so that he can actually form a proper one.
“I think I might be coming down with something,” Niall replies before he shrugs a bit. “Hoping not, though. The last thing I want to do is disappoint the fans.”
“I know.” Zayn touches Niall’s back and he instantly leans into the touch, glad that Zayn’s trying to comfort him. “Go and get some rest, alright? I’ll make sure Louis doesn’t try to attack you in your sleep tonight and then maybe you’ll wake up and be feeling better again.”
“Alright.” Niall replies and he flashes a somewhat grateful smile at Zayn before he heads to his bunk, changes and crawls inside. At least having this excuses him from having to deal with the rest of them and their comments about his solos tonight. Now all he has to do is worry about what his father’s going to scream in his ear and then he can get a proper sleep because Niall’s been craving one like no other. Between the interviews and the performing, the rushing to and fro and having to dance around and act crazy and energetic, Niall’s been running out of steam. He knows that it has a lot to do with his recent change in eating but he’s not going to let that even be a thought because as long as he doesn’t think about what he’s doing he can at least pretend that he’s not being an unhealthy idiot.
The phone buzzes in his hand and Niall stares at it, reading the numbers even though he already knows who’s calling. There’s no one else who tries to get to ahold of him at this point of the night and Niall’s somewhat dreading hitting the accept button. He does so anyway and when he does he doesn’t even have to say hello before the regular stream of swears and curses is spit into his ear, weighing him down and slipping into this brain so that nightmares will most likely occur.
Niall listens and listens and only after a few minutes does he realise that his hand is trembling and holding the phone is getting more and more difficult. He shifts it to his other hand in hopes that that’ll make it better but it doesn’t and Niall can feel that he’s about to drop his mobile.
What he doesn’t expect is for it to fall out of his hand, hit off of his thumb and drop into the middle of the walkway as it switches to speakerphone. Niall shoots through the curtains and he reaches for it but Louis’s already holding the phone in his hand, listening as his father spouts off how ashamed he is of Niall and that he’d better not be a useless, queer son because if he does there’s no point in him returning home.
Niall snatches the phone from Louis and he flicks it off of speaker, completely ignoring the expression on Louis’s face as he disappears back into his bunk and listens to his father finish off the conversation with a, ‘Get your head on straight or don’t bother expecting a place at home anymore.’ Niall ends the call and he drops the phone onto his bed before sighing quietly and that’s when Louis decides that curtain or no curtain, he’s coming in anyway.
“Niall,” Louis announces as he slips into the bunk and settles down on the edge of the bed. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” Niall replies breezily as he shrugs. “Not your concern, is it, Louis?”
But Louis’s not taking that lie and Niall knew he wouldn’t. There’s a reason that Louis’s the most ridiculous and headstrong member of the band, excluding Liam because Liam never has been and most likely never will be ridiculous. “What was that, Niall?” he repeats and Niall just shakes his head in response. “The things he was saying to you, about you, that’s not right Ni.”
“It’s really nothing,” Niall responds before he shrugs. “He’s probably had too much to drink. That’s all.” This is definitely not something that Niall wants to discuss with any of them and it’s not something that he even wanted any of them to know about so the fact that Louis’s questioning it is making Niall even more closed off in terms of discussing it. “Really, Louis. It’s nothing.” He flashes a smile at him before crawling out of the bunk and disappearing to the bathroom before Louis can argue with him some more.
It’s only once Niall’s in the tiny, crowded bathroom that he’s glad that his phone has a passcode on it in case it gets lost or stolen. That way Louis can’t go into it, call his dad back and ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing by cutting down his son with these cruel words. Niall knows that that’d be something Louis would do and that’s not something that he’s willing to risk. Especially since he knows that if it were to happen that Niall would lose his father for good.
Niall’s not sure how it happens or why it even does but he finds himself pressed against the toilet, trying to be as quiet as possible as he attempts to purge the (nonexistent) food in his stomach as well as the feelings that are dwelling inside of him. He’s shaking and nothing’s coming up because he knows that nothing’s going to come up and yet he doesn’t stop trying because he needs to feel okay again. He needs to feel like his personal reality did not just crash into the reality of his life with the band, with the people that care about him more than he’s known for people to care about him. He’s gasping and coughing and the noises that he’s making while being unsuccessful just sound like he’s coming down with a cold rather than trying to manually dispose of his food.
He’s grateful that when he comes out of the bathroom Harry just quietly asks him if he’d like something to help him sleep rather than if he’d been puking because he really hadn’t been. Nothing had come out, after all. He’s also grateful that Louis hasn’t told the rest of the band about what he heard on the phone but Niall knows that that also means Louis is going to be paying more attention to when he disappears for those nightly phone calls. Louis’s now caught on to what Niall’s father’s doing and that makes Niall feel uncomfortable.
As Niall pushes all of that aside, he accepts Harry’s sleep medication and curls up beneath his covers for the night, trying to just focus on getting to sleep without nightmares.
His exhausted body does him one better and he ends up with a dreamless sleep.
~
Niall feels like he might just end up cracking under the pressure at this point. It’s not that he’s even that much more stressed, but the combination of the fact that they’re touring Ireland next week (which means his family might make their way out to see him) and that Louis’s been keeping track of him since he overheard the phone call is starting to drive Niall mad.
If anything, he’s been avoiding Louis as best as he can and the others have noticed. The first thing that Harry asked him the day after the incident was if he and Louis got into a fight and Niall genuinely didn’t know how to answer that because if he said no and Louis said yes that’d be confusing, and if he said yes and that got back to Louis and he ended up divulging the phone conversation, well…that’d just be more stress than Niall would be able to handle.
He’s been starting to physically shake in front of the others at random points and despite the fact that he may or may not be up to purging six times a day, he’s not feeling all that different. The happiness that he was clinging to a few weeks ago has completely disappeared and now all he’s managed to hold onto is a sense of barely-calm and unstressed whenever he disposes of a little bit more of his life in the toilet.
Paul wants to put him on vocal rest because his throat sounds so scratchy but Niall’s not having it. He’s fine and he’ll keep insisting it until Paul gives up on trying to argue with him about it, because the more that they argue the more Niall uses his voice and he’s really not using it much these days anyway so no one can figure out why he’s not getting better.
They see the signs but they can’t put it all together and the fact that it’s staring them in the face and yet they can’t pin it down and fix it is bothering the boys, bothering Paul and even bothering the fans. It’s like everyone can see that Niall’s breaking but they can’t put a name to the type of broken that he is so they can’t do anything about it. Niall still insists that he might be getting a cold or already has a cold or is just getting over his cold, some variation of the three, so it’s not like anyone can really dispute that. Unless you’re a doctor you can’t really tell someone else what they’re feeling and even then it’s a tricky business.
Liam keeps hinting to Paul that they should take Niall to a doctor but Paul’s hesitant. He’d rather wait until their next day off so that they don’t waste tour time and Niall’s good with this plan because he has no plans on seeing a doctor and is more than willing to wait until he has an easier chance to ditch security and lie about going. It’s funny how in a few weeks his entire life has gone from ‘I can’t lie to these people’ to ‘all I do is lie to these people.’ It’s funny that Niall’s become a person he’s never planned on being. It’s fucking hilarious that he’s turned into a person he hates.
And yet there’s nothing to do to fix it.
Zayn cornered Niall after the interview that they had and now they’re curled up together in a ball in the back lounge. Zayn’s got his arms securely wrapped around Niall and he’s pressed his face into Niall’s hair and Niall’s kind of wondering if Zayn’s trying to disappear into Niall or dissolve Niall into him. Either way it’s kind of weird but sweet at the same time so Niall’s not really complaining.
He places his hands over Zayn’s and squeezes gently, reassuringly. He wants to make Zayn feel better because it’s obvious that something’s off with him and that’s probably his fault. Niall hesitates to speak because he knows that if he does it’s going to kind of break this comfortable situation that they’ve got going on here but he needs to say something about it. So he tries.
“Zayn-“
“Niall are you going to tell us what’s wrong?” The tone of Zayn’s voice throws Niall off and he pulls away from Zayn, wrapping his arms around himself in a defensive way that he’s never done before. He’s closed himself off from Zayn now and out of all the things that Niall’s done over the past few weeks to distance himself from the rest of the boys, this is the one that hurts the most and he knows that. “Niall…” Zayn’s voice sounds broken, defeated, and Niall doesn’t know what the fuck to do anymore.
“Nothing’s wrong,” he eventually stutters out. “I’m fine. Why does everyone think there’s a problem?” He doesn’t mean for it to come out somewhat harsh but it does and he notices the way that Zayn’s kind of backed away from him in a way that proves just how broken he is.
The silence that’s nestled uncomfortably between them is enough to make Niall slowly loosen his grip on himself. It’s not much but it’s a sign that he really, really doesn’t want to lose Zayn in all of this. He doesn’t want to lose any of them and while he doesn’t think that anything’s really changed, it just might have because of how they’ve all been treating him lately. “I’m sorry, Zayn,” he whispers and Zayn just grabs onto his hands and holds them as tightly as he possibly can. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“You didn’t,” Zayn responds and Niall can’t tell if he’s just trying to move past it or if he genuinely believes that Niall didn’t snap at him. Niall doesn’t really know how to respond so he just squeezes Zayn’s hands tightly and Zayn squeezes back. “We’re just worried about you, Niall. I don’t know what’s going on with you and Louis, but…” Zayn hesitates and Niall can tell that he’s trying to frame his words in a way that won’t start anything else.
“Louis and I got into a disagreement,” Niall replies before he shrugs. “It’s nothing that won’t be dealt with soon. Don’t worry, Zayn. We’re all fine, okay? I’m fine.” He squeezes Zayn’s hands again and smiles gently. “Promise.” It’s an empty promise and Niall knows that what he’s saying right now is absolutely horrible but the relief on Zayn’s face is enough to keep him from taking the lie back. “We’re all good.”
Zayn looks at Niall for a moment before he lets go of Niall’s hands and chooses to instead wrap his arms around the boy, holding him close, tighter than usual. “You’ve lost some weight, haven’t you?” he comments after a little bit and Niall just shrugs before he curls up against Zayn’s chest. “Have you been eating your veggies, Nialler?”
Niall laughs softly before he nuzzles his face into the crook between Zayn’s neck and shoulder. “Maybe Liam’s rubbing off on me,” he teases gently and Zayn chuckles before he begins to rub Niall’s back and everything just kind of feels okay again. Niall snuggles up closer to Zayn and he relaxes in his grip, wondering if the rest of his life can be this nice.
~
The day that they catch him comes far too soon in Niall’s opinion. They’re in a hotel again, the last one that they’ll have before they end up in Ireland, and Harry and Louis have cornered him and demanded that he stop what he’s doing and watch a movie with them.
But Niall’s just eaten and that’s…not something that he wants to do right now. He tried to get out of it but Harry’s persistent and Louis’s got quite a grip on him so there’s no way that Niall can get away from them. Instead, he’s pressed between the two of them, their arms intertwined together around him, and the movie’s playing. It’s some random action thriller that won an award or something; Niall doesn’t care. He’s never been one to sit around and watch movies but the absolute idiots that have kidnapped him love them and won’t let him escape.
His stomach is aching. There’s a lot of food settled in there and Niall’s not feeling comfortable, not even close. He wants it gone because there’s food inside of him. He’s grown to hate food over these past few weeks. Except for the fact that he still loves it. He hates that he loves it and hates that something that he’s loved for most of his life has become something that he’s using like a drug to help him stay sane. He hates having it him and he absolutely despises the fact that he can’t escape to get rid of it.
They’re a few minutes into the movie and Niall finally manages to convince Harry to let him go so that he can run to the restroom and he escapes, the movie still playing in the background.
Niall’s quick, or so he things, but he’s apparently not quiet enough nor quick enough for Louis who’s impatient and is insistent that Niall sees every last second of the movie that they’re watching. Also in Niall’s hurry, he’s apparently forgotten to lock the door…
So Louis barges in a few minutes later with a cheerful, “You’ve had long enough you wanker get back-“ And he doesn’t finish his sentence because, really, who can when they find one of their best and closest friends pressed against the toilet with their finger shoved up their throat and vomit slipping down it?
Niall barely has a moment to react before he’s being pushed away from the toilet, rather roughly, and pinned against the wall. “What are you doing?” Louis asks, his tone something that Niall can’t even determine because the look in his eyes is so angry and hurt that Niall can’t register anything other than that. His hand’s being grabbed and shoved under the sink to rinse off the vomit and Niall’s lost in a daze. The only thing he can realise right now is how calm Louis is as he scrubs the vomit from Niall’s fingers and flushes the toilet as if nothing’s ever happened.
It’s only when he’s done that Louis turns to him and just stares at Niall with a look of such disappointment that Niall can’t even try and look away. He just stands there, silent and shaking until Louis reaches out and he slaps him across the face. The pain doesn’t even register until the actual sound of the slap does, the hollow noise that sounds like Louis’s hand is just slapping bone and air and then, all at once, his entire cheek is stinging, burning and enflamed with a tinge of bright red.
“What the hell are you doing, Niall?” and Niall can hear Harry approaching as Louis shakes Niall, his grip tight enough that he’s digging his fingernails into Niall’s skin. “What are you even thinking?”
“Lou, you’re hurting him,” Harry comments from the doorway and Niall knows that he’s hesitating to come in because Louis’s angry and he only gets this way when something has really upset him. Niall is pretty sure that Louis’s fingernails are causing him to bleed but he doesn’t dare say a word about it because he knows that if he does then all hell is about to be unleashed.
“I had better be,” Louis spits back before he pushes Niall away from him and Niall notices that Louis’s hands are shaking as he turns to face Harry. “I found him in here trying to make himself puke, Harry,” he spits out and the rage in his voice is unbearable. Niall can’t help but assume that it’s because Louis has four younger sisters and he knows that eating disorders are more common among the female population. Maybe he’s just hit a sore spot with Louis’s feelings in that sense. It doesn’t even occur to him that the reason Louis’s so upset about this is because Niall’s his friend, Niall’s someone that he loves and doesn’t want to see hurt. That thought never even crosses Niall’s mind.
Harry steps around Louis and he says nothing. He just comes over to Niall and touches his arm gently. Niall flinches away from the touch and Harry gives him a moment before touching him again. This time, Niall lets him leave his fingers rest on his forearm and Harry expresses more in that slight touch than Louis has with all of his anger and painful touches.
The disappointment that Harry’s not displaying hits Niall harder than all of the anger that Louis’s been displaying. It makes Niall just want to run away and curl up in a ball and cry, but he just stands there, silent.
“You’ve cut him, Louis,” Harry states and he looks back at Louis who just states something and then leaves the bathroom to let Harry handle the situation and hopefully let his anger diffuse. Niall flinches as Harry brushes his fingers over the barely bleeding cuts and Harry just tuts softly. “Louis did a number on you. You’re shaking.”
Niall waits for the prelude to finish, for Harry to get the point where he asks why Niall’s done this, what he things he’s achieving from destroying himself from the inside out, but Harry doesn’t continue on with the unspoken words. They’re there, though; in his actions, in his thoughts, in the way that he speaks. But he never says them aloud. Harry just cleans up the wounds and he gently touches Niall’s cheek to make sure that it’s not going to leave too much damage. Not a word is mentioned of Niall’s disordered eating or his newfound friendliness with the toilet.
Harry pulls Niall back together and he’s almost stopped shaking by the time that they leave the bathroom and are met with a calm, expressionless Louis. Niall hesitates for a moment before he steps forward and Louis wraps his arms around him, holding him close. “I’m sorry, Ni,” he whispers and Niall doesn’t find the need to speak as he clings to Louis and presses his face into Louis’s shoulder, still shaking. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just…you’re scaring me. Please, please don’t do this to yourself. Please…”
There are no words to say to this because Niall doesn’t plan on stopping. It’s not in his plans to quit the thing that helps him stay sane and keep those words that are being spat into his ear on a nightly basis away from him. He just can’t tell Louis that he’s going to ignore his wishes and keep on tearing himself apart. That’s not something that Louis would ever forgive him for.
Harry comes up from behind and he wraps his arms around the both of them. “We love you, Niall,” he whispers and Niall doesn’t know what to say because he loves them too, more than anything, but he’s forgotten how to say these words. He’s forgotten how to express the love that he feels for the best people he’s ever had the chance to know.
They’ll try to fix him, but Niall’s not broken. He’s found a way to beat the system and now he just has to make them see that this is okay, that he’s got himself under control.
Except he’s slipping further and further out of control each time he takes a bite of food, each time he hears a curse spat at him, each time he lets air into his lungs.
~
They all know now. Between the four of them, Niall’s not had a moment to himself and Paul’s been told so they’re making plans to get him help after they’re done with tour. Niall doesn’t want any of this, he doesn’t want help because they’ll just try to fix him and he’s not broken so he just wants to shrink away and hide so that they’ll all just leave him alone.
Out of the four of them, Liam was the most hurt by the news. While Louis spat at him and slapped him and clawed at him, Liam didn’t speak to him for two days afterwards and that was horrible for Niall because out of all of the people he needed to be there after all hell broke loose, Liam had abandoned him.
Zayn was…well, Niall isn’t quite sure how Zayn reacted. Somewhat of a mix of Louis and Harry’s reactions, really, but it was like someone had drained whatever of Zayn’s personality was left. The Zayn they know just kind of disappeared for a little while and Niall had no clue to fix it.
And on top of all of this, his father started calling with a new set of curses to throw at him, something that Niall now has to listen to on speaker with whoever else is in the room. They keep the phone away from him and he just sits their silently, stoically as his father shouts curse words and the rest listen. They ask him about it but Niall never says a word. He doesn’t want to because they won’t let him get rid of the feelings.
It’s embarrassing when Niall actually has to ask to use the restroom and he feels like he’s going to scream whenever he ends up being given permission and then is told that he has to be accompanied by one of the boys or the crew. That’s not okay with him because just because he needs to piss does not mean that he’s going to end up deciding to try and puke right in the middle of his pissing.
Well…Niall’s not so sure what he’d do right now, actually. It’s been days and all he wants to do is just get rid of all of these feelings. At this point he doesn’t even care if food is in his stomach or not. He wants to purge so that maybe he can have a chance to feel better.
They’re on their way to Ireland when Niall’s mum calls and informs him that she’s coming with his aunt and brother to see them perform that night and hopes that he’s doing well. Liam’s looking at him with his typical worried expression as Niall replies that he’s looking forward to see her and he’s doing wonderfully. It’s only when he hangs up that Liam actually opens his mouth and speaks.
“You know your mum’s going to take one look at you and know that something’s wrong, right?” he asks and Niall just lets out a sigh because he does not want to deal with this right now. Not in the slightest. Niall leans back against the sofa and he closes his eyes, not in the mood to answer Liam until Liam actually comes over to him and wraps an arm around Niall’s waist, pulling him close. “We’re all worried about you, Niall. I know you probably hate us all right now because of it, but…”
“I don’t hate you,” Niall responds in a soft voice, a tiny voice that doesn’t sound anything like him. Liam just pulls Niall closer and he holds him in his arms, trying to keep him as close as possible. “I could never hate you, Liam.” It’s not a lie even though Niall kind of wishes that it was. If it was then he could at least justify the fact that he’s pissed that everyone’s suddenly turned on him without even knowing the reason why he’s been doing this. After all, it’s not like he’d let them know if they actually did ask, and they did in their own sort of ‘we’re avoiding the subject but not really’ ways.
Liam is gently running his hand up and down Niall’s arm and it’s relaxing, comforting. It makes Niall feel like everything’s going to go well tonight and that he’s not going to freak out over the fact that his mum will be there and she’ll notice that something’s wrong. Everything’s going to be just fine.
And that feeling lasts until they actually show up at the venue. Only then do the nerves set in and cause Niall to feel like he’s going to fall apart at the very seams that poorly attempt to hold him together. Liam’s still got an arm around him as they climb off of the bus and Niall’s leaning into his touch more than usual because he’s kind of afraid that if he lets go he’s going to fall or something. It’s sad how scared Niall is to be home again, to have to see his family.
The second they end up in the venue, away from the screaming fans who are all determined to get their attention, someone mentions that Niall has a visitor and Niall pulls away from Liam to go and say hello to his mum. He walks slowly down the hallway, trying to think of what he can possibly say to make his mum not worry about the state that he’s in because he won’t be able to handle it if she starts crying or anything like that.
“Hey, mu-” Niall swallows thickly as he realises that it’s not his mother waiting for him. He expected something like this to happen but not here, not today. He genuinely didn’t expect his father to come to one of their concerts to display his disgust at his son.
Niall doesn’t know what to say. He’s not even sure that he should speak at this point because anything that he says might just set his father off and he’s internally terrified of being screamed at in person. It’s just not something he thinks he can handle right now. Niall bites down on his lip and he keeps quiet, hoping that maybe this won’t be the verbal abuse that he’s been receiving this entire tour. Maybe his dad’s come to apologise for all of the things that he’s been saying to him.
And yet he knows that’s never happening.
It starts just as it always does, his father snapping at him about his homosexual displays of affection that are disgusting and how he won’t have his son be a faggot or a queer or whatever derogatory word he’s chosen this time. Niall says nothing because he knows that he can’t argue it. There’s no way to, but Niall can feel an anxiety building inside of him that he genuinely cannot handle right now, alone with his father.
The screaming starts, the screaming that definitely attracts the attention of the boys who have been waiting outside to make sure that everything goes well with Niall and his mum. When it gets to the point that they’re all piling into the room to stop Niall’s father, Niall cracks. Something inside of him just shatters and he lets out a scream that stops everyone in their tracks, one that even shuts his father’s mouth in a surprising turn of events.
“Just. Shut. Up.” It comes out wrong but then again there’s really no good way to tell someone to shut up. Niall’s shaking, trembling and he can feel Liam placing a hand on his shoulder to try and calm him down but it doesn’t work. “What the hell did I ever do to you to deserve this? What did I do, please tell me! Because I can’t possibly see why you need to call me every night and point out my every flaw why can’t I just be good enough for you? So what if I love my mates and like to show that? So what if I didn’t get amazing grades or football awards? So what! You’re my father and you’re supposed to love me no matter what I do so what does it matter if I’m gay or straight or whatever else there is? So what if I’m not perfect I’m your son!”
Niall’s shaking so badly that Louis’s holding onto him to keep him from falling down. It’s all just out in the open now, all of those feelings that he’s been holding back these past few weeks are finally breaking the surface and it’s overwhelming. “Do you have any idea what you’ve made me do?” he chokes out and Louis grips tighter to Niall as his voice cracks and he struggles to not start crying right then and there because that’s something that he feels is about to happen. “How you’ve made me feel?”
His father steps forward and there’s a moment where Niall is absolutely certain that he’s going to apologise for how he’s treated him, that he’s going to fix the mistakes that have started due to his reactions but Niall knows that that would never actually happen. They stare at each other, Niall shaking and his dad completely still and silent before his father reaches out and slaps him across the face as hard as he possibly can.
Louis and Liam pull Niall back from the man and there’s barely a second before Zayn’s got Niall’s father pressed against the wall and he’s punching him and there’s shouting and screaming and it’s all too overwhelming for Niall who’s trying to shrink away and hide in Louis’s hold, trembling so badly that he can barely keep himself standing.
“It’s okay, Niall,” Louis whispers to him as he holds him close and Liam’s protecting him from behind as Louis lets Niall press his face into his chest to hide away from the ruckus. “You’re safe with us okay. We’re not gonna let him hurt you anymore.”
Niall can hear security breaking up the fight that’s definitely now happening between Zayn, Harry and his father and in the frenzy he can hear Zayn tell them to get his father off the premises. Niall flinches as he hears a final shout of , “Faggot!” as his dad’s being dragged away and that’s the point that he breaks and starts to cry.
Liam rubs his back and they gently lead Niall over to the couch that he drops down onto and curls up into a tiny ball. There’s arms all around him and someone’s touching his cheek to check and see he’s okay. Another one is wiping away his tears and he can hear comforting words being whispered in his ear but can’t make out exactly what they are. Niall’s silent as he cries, sobs, breaks down into the ball of nothing that he feels like.
He’s not sure how long it takes for him to come out of it but when Niall’s finally done crying he can feel the atmosphere of the room completely change. The arms he’s in, Harry’s, he’s realised, pull him closer and the hand that’s nestled in his hair, which he thinks is Zayn’s, gently moves in a calming, reassuring way.
His voice is shaky as he tries to speak. “Is…is it over?” he barely gets out and the arms tighten around him. Niall feels overwhelmed by the touches and yet he feels safe, wrapped up in the arms of his best friends, the only people he wants to be around right now.
“It’s over.” Liam’s voice is soft and gentle, exactly what Niall needs right now.
“Yeah, Ni,” Louis chimes and Niall can feel a hand start to rub his back which he only assumes is Louis’s. “It’s done for good.”
Niall lets out a soft sigh and he rests his head on Harry’s shoulder trying to relax and calm down from the trembling feeling that’s still nestled inside of him. “Good,” he barely breathes. “Good.” He feels drained, exhausted, but there’s something inside of Niall that feels better than he has since all of this started. It’s like knowing that things aren’t better yet but they’re going to be. One step at a time.
And as long as Niall has his friends here by his side, he’ll always be okay.