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When memories invaded his mind, he would hum a song he had recently heard and immediately keep his hands busy. When the memories came back in social situations, he would shake his head and stamp his feet quickly, clean his nails and tilt his body from side to side. He did everything, and would do everything, to keep his mind and body away from those thoughts. But in cases like this it was inevitable, as much as he wanted to avoid the memories. Shuumei didn't deserve that, he knew it, and comparing him to that person would be totally crazy. Shuumei was soft, he was sweet, his kisses felt like breaths of fresh air and his touch like seeing a starry sky.
So why did everything he did remind him of those days?
"Senpai" He gasped, drowned in his own misery and pushing his boyfriend's shoulders. Immediately, and without hesitating, Sasaki moved away from him, giving him space to calm his heavy breathing and his pale face. He kept leaning back, his hands supporting his weight on the bed, intently watching the ball of nerves that was his partner.
"Sorry, I should have known you weren't comfortable with this" He began, after a few seconds, to bring his hand to his shoulder, stroking it with such care that Miyano wanted to cry. From the nape of his neck to his back, everything Sasaki's hand touched began to bloom on his trembling skin. It was gratifying, and it gave him the strength to look up at him, still ashamed of not being able to fill that part of his boyfriend's life in a normal way, because his soul lacked doubts, but his desire to surrender was attached to a body that preserved past terrors and evaded them by pure memory.
"I want this Shuumei-san, just as much as you, I've told you many times" Although is it okay if you just hug me for today? , but the words didn't come out, instead his hands took his lover's cheeks, like if they had a will of their own and surpassed his bodily sovereignty. It was always like that, because ever since he started touching Sasaki he could never get enough, and he felt terribly hypocritical for wanting to touch him more but not reciprocating the same treatment. But I do want him to touch me , it's just a bit scary, that happens to everyone the first time , he reminded himself, trying to ignore the part about it actually not being his first time. He sighed on his partner's breath, lowering his hands from smooth cheeks to broad shoulders, from broad shoulders to strong arms. And their lips met like magnets in an infinite space, where his dreamy bubble wavered with bursting the moment Miyano became aware of his memories.
God I really want him to touch me, but the moment his hands passed his waist everything replayed like a horror movie. And he was afraid that while they were doing it, while this wonderful boy would bare his being and his body, he would lose Sasaki in diffuse, fuzzy mists, that his image would be met with creepy memories, and suddenly his face would be replaced with that of a certain person he still saw at family gatherings.
"But you don't look like want it at all" Against all will Sasaki parted his lips, but even so his warmth didn't leave his body at all, and their faces were so close that Miyano could feel his boyfriend's hot breath tickling his skin. The mole that sported under dark long lashes was caressed by a gentle hand that cupped his flushed cheek, and then Shuumei looked directly into those doe hazel eyes, searching for the slightest trace of doubt in the face of the boy in front of him "Its okay if you don't want now, you know. I really don't mind waiting, or even if it never happens I swear it's fine"
He keeps him waiting all the time, through the cross-dressing contest, through the endless six months it took for his response, even through his current relationship, because he's just so indecisive that he couldn't make hard decisions even if his life depended on it.
Senpai doesn't deserve to be waiting for me just because I'm afraid to have sex , and here he was, making him wait making him waitas always, with a patience only dedicated to Miyano and a look of endessly care.
"I don't want to keep you waiting any longer" Miyano recited in an agitated voice, desperate, needing to show Sasaki that they could do it, that he didn't have to worry because his boyfriend was going to please him. Desperate to prove that his physique still held value "I don't want to keep you waiting never again. I want to do it with you, only with you"
"Mya, no, its okay—"
"I want it just like you do, believe me" He brought his hands to the black jacket that rested on the other's body, threatening to slide it off his shoulders until he left it on the floor of his room.
"Mya, you don't"
He tried, really tried, to look attractive for him.
"Miya"
He strove with all his will and strength to look ready to be taken, to look sure of everything he was doing.
"Miyano"
He strove, putting every ounce of his soul, to look desperate for it, to look like someone Sasaki would want with fervent desire. He tried, as painful as it might be, to become another man's prey again . Because men liked to hunt, they liked to take the life out of weak prey even more if they put up a fight. And he wanted to be desired, desired and taken by this man in front of him, the one that was as patient and considerate as anyone could ever be. He wanted it so bad that, out of habit, he made himself the prey of a man who didn't want to hunt him.
"Yoshikazu" The hands that Miyano kept on the black jacket were jerked away, his wrists held tightly. Shuumei's cracked voice came out loud and somewhat gruff, almost like a scolding, matching well with his furrowed brow. Sasaki gasped at his actions, drawing back as if he'd touched something boiling, shocked at mindlessly repeating past mistakes. He looked down at the sheets clenched by his white fingers, and Miyano thought, supposed, that this was as far as they could come. Maybe not in their relationship, he didn't think they would break up because of this, but any possibility of having intimacy in the future, of giving himself a new opportunity to prove his damaged soul that the experience could be nice with the right person, all of that no longer existed.
He lowered his head and squeezed his lips and chest, never willing for Shuumei to hear him cry, especially since this was his fault. He clenched his fists against his thighs and took a deep breath, sniffling pathetically and squeezing his eyes shut. He should have done it sooner, even if he wasn't ready, he should have done it when Shuumei wanted it, then at least it would have been worth it.
"Waiting for your partner is the right thing to do" Sasaki suddenly said, still looking down and with that palpable pain in his low, trembling voice. "And that I respect your decision when you don't feel ready isn't something you should feel guilty about, it's the least you deserve" Miyano whimpered, lifting his head up only to meet Sasaki's gaze still fixed on the bed, reluctant to look at him "And yes of course I want us to do it, how could I not if it's you? But I also want you to like it and above all that you feel good about it, I want you to enjoy it as much as I would because that's what you deserve, Yoshikazu. You deserve to be waited on, you deserve to be respected, and your boundaries too. I just—" Sasaki took his hand slowly, bringing his knuckles to his lips and sighing heavily. Miyano felt the torso of his hand wet, realizing perhaps too late that Sasaki was crying "I just want to stop making you feel pressured. I want you to feel comfortable with me"
How difficult it was to keep from crying, how difficult, how hard it was to resist spilling the tears of his damaged heart's when Shuumei was being so sweet even though everything about him was so unpleasant. Even though his used body no longer represented anything special. Despite the fact that he made him wait so long for so little, for kisses that tasted of fear and caresses full of insecure touch.
Shuumei was so patient, so gentle, so good, too good for him. How did he get someone like that to love him so much?
He wanted to feel worthy of that care.
"But I do feel comfortable with you" Trying to compose himself, he rubbed his hands against his face to dry the tears that ran down his cheeks. When he took Shuumei's hands they felt cold in his own, and he brought them carefully to his face in an attempt to make them go into their usual warmth "I want you to make love to me, just there are things that I must solve with myself before"
Sasaki sighed, slipping his fingers from Miyano's hands to cradle them between his own this time. He looked up with puffy eyes and red cheeks, a frown and trembling lips "Then let me help you, with whatever you need. If you're scared of something specific or don't feel good about something, whatever your concern, please just share it with me and let me help you solve it"
His watery eyes were like spilled silver, his reddened, tear-stained face contorted in a frown of frustration. Yoshikazu sighed then, because that afternoon had been very complicated, because he was tired, because he was relieved, because he was happy and because he was afraid. Sighs were wind-concentrated feelings that an overwhelmed body lets out for its comfort, and that day Miyano hoped that his body would manage to sigh his memories out of his being. Let him help you heal , someday he'd have to tell him, not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Because he knew that with Sasaki maybe it would be okay.
"I'll tell you, I promise"
He truly does.
•••
"Okay, first of all, promise me you won't freak out" Sasaki raises his right hand in an exaggerated way as if he were a sailor taking an oath of honor. They both laugh and that helps lighten the mood, at least until Miyano remembers that he's really about to tell him about this. He looks down and clears his throat, firmly taking Shuumei's hands, who is sitting cross-legged in front of him, too. "Also, please don't think differently of me with what I'm about to tell you. If you start to treat me differently I will feel bad"
Sasaki frowned in confusion, apparently not understanding why he would treat Miyano differently, if they were just going to talk about how to improve their intimacy. He'll get an idea later , Miyano sighed trying to gather strength, Sasaki on the other hand simply nodded, leaving the whole word to him.
"So, I don't know how to properly talk about this. Until now I've only told my parents, the only people who know about this are them and now you" That's not counting the other involved in the matter, but then they could talk about that "When I was a child I lived next to my aunt's house- Well, my mom's cousin, but they were raised as sisters so, you know. The point is: Thanks to that I spent a lot of time in that house with my older cousins, and they also came to my house a lot"
Miyano took a deep breath before continuing, Sasaki still looked like he didn't have a clue where all this was going, Yoshikazu feared that telling him would affect him more than he thought.
"In my aunt's house lived her mother, her daughter, one of my cousins, and her son, my cousin Usotsuki. He and I got along very well and I had a lot of confidence in him, so much so that once I jumped out of a fence just because he told me it would be okay" Miyano started to laugh, almost forgetting the bad things, weakly clinging to the nice memory he had of the one who at that time hadn't hurt him yet. Sasaki had no idea, Miyano knew the face they put on when they began to assume it, the horror and denial of their gestures, Sasaki had none of that "Obviously, I hurt myself, but that didn't stop me from continuing to believe him, you know, to trust him"
Now for the ugly part, he reminded himself to breathe properly, and Sasaki seemed to notice that he was having a hard time, because he gave his hands a gentle squeeze and a small but reassuring smile. He smiled back at him, fighting the urge to bite his nails in anxiety.
"One day we were having lunch at his house, I remember it was miso soup and I wasn't finished yet when he told me he would show me something cool if I followed him. Those houses had dead ends dividing the properties, we called them alleys and we normally used the narrow walls to ride on the roofs of the houses. He told me he had something to show me, so we went to the alley of his house-" Ah, there it is. The rapid pulse, the paleness of his face, the horror and denial in each of his ill-concealed gestures. Miyano looked down, at least it wouldn't take him that much by surprise "He dropped his pants and asked me to touch him. Then he-" He sighed, his chest aching from his pounding heart "Then he raped me"
He felt Sasaki's hands release their hold on his, as if his body lost any strength it once had. He looked up, fearing to see disgust in his eyes, and perhaps Sasaki noticed it, because it didn't take him long to squeeze his hands again, this time with a little more force.
"Sorry, continue" His voice came out almost choked, but Miyano considered that he could at least finish this quickly"
"Well, after that he kept doing it for a while, I can't tell you exactly how much or when he stopped, I don't remember. I didn't understand why he did those things, but I kept going to his house because he was my cousin and I wanted to play with him, he was one of the few friends I had. When I grew up a little more I realized that it wasn't normal for them to do that to you, and at first I thought it was my fault for continuing to go to their house. Eventually I told my parents, anyway we had moved, they couldn't do much more, but they were... Understanding, they had a hard time believing that Usotsuki would have seriously done that, but they paid me a psychologist that I ended up leaving. Then you and I became boyfriends and all the topic of sexual intercourse came, so I think I ended up remembering those ugly things..."
Sasaki sighed slowly, and Miyano wondered what he was thinking with his head down and his hands shaking.
He realized, with great excitement, that it had actually been easier than he thought. He felt a bit proud, thinking that he was getting the better of him every time, Sasaki on the other hand was acting weird.
"I told you not to treat me any differently after I told you" he complained in a low tone, and Sasaki's hands intertwined with his almost hesitantly.
"Yes, I'm sorry, it's just... A lot" Sasaki looked up and Miyano was familiar with the sight of his watery eyes "Can I hug you?"
He smiled, without hesitation, without stopping to think for a second, more sure of that than of anything in his life "By all means"
It was funny, how the last time he told his parents they ended up comforting the twelve year old Miyano with his flood of tears. This time, the seventeen year old Miyano consoled the flood of tears that was his boyfriend, stroking his hair and promising that he would be fine, that they would be fine.
After telling him, after Sasaki apologized perhaps many times for any sexual contact he could ever offer him, and after they lay down on the bed to snuggle and do nothing in particular, Miyano felt much lighter. The damage wouldn't go away that easily, and it would take a while for them to get where they wanted to go.
But Miyano felt light, and Sasaki had promised to help him heal.
They would be just fine.