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The cooking lesson had gone off without a hitch. Plates had been cleared, conversation was pleasant, and the majority of the BAU members migrated from the kitchen to the outdoor patio to chat around a blazing fire pit - all except for two members. Reid had abandoned his glass of wine that he’d toasted with shortly after his late arrival to the function and was instead, in the midst of making himself an espresso. JJ sauntered in, hoping to get a second alone with the colleague who’d been the most hurt by her and Hotch’s joint deceit regarding Emily’s wellbeing. She noted the full wine glass neglected on the kitchen island next the navy jacket he had shed and commented,
“Not going to drink your wine?” Reid looked up at her, she noted how tired his eyes looked, “better not let Rossi find out - I think that might be the most egregious form of disrespect for an Italian,” the younger agent half-smiled before reciting something he’d read in a medical journal a few years prior. At the same time, Hotch entered from the patio and made his way past the kitchen to the foyer to take a phone call,
“You know that old adage that wine promotes heart health and prevents coronary artery disease?” JJ nodded along, “turns out that’s been debunked and doctors can’t actually correlate any cause and effect between the two.” His espresso had finished dripping and, though Rossi would cringe at the mear notion, he adds the tiniest bit of sweetener to the small beverage. JJ smiles at his irony,
“I’ve never known you to be overly analytical of the health benefits of your food and drink choices, mister 2-cups-of-sugar-in-his-coffee,” the doctor, letting out a short laugh, sat his drink on the counter and casts a gaze at the stemmed glass.
“Yeah, well I’m, uh, just trying to be careful right now,” he utters in a low voice - the circles under his haunted eyes seem to darken along with the mood. All sense of playfulness evaporates as JJ understands the implication. She’s been trying to push the memory of the argument they’d had in the Durant, Oklahoma police station to the back of her mind to no avail. Reid contemplates whether or not he wants to broach the subject. Ultimately, he does, “you never answered my question, by the way.” The blonde’s concerned eyes show confusion,
“What question?” Spencer knew he couldn’t backtrack now. He continued, referencing their heated conversation the day before,
“If I had started using again, would you have let me? Or would you have told me about Emily at that point?”
“Spence,” she stopped because she’d noticed Hotch return from his finished phone call and was in earshot of their conversation. Reid did not,
“I’m asking because this whole time, I kept telling myself that relapsing wouldn’t bring her back, but as it turns out it might’ve, so I guess I’m just curious to know if my hypothesis ever had any validity,” Hotch approaches the two, having overheard their last few exchanges. Reid senses his presence, turning to acknowledge him, embarrassment causes him to angle his head towards his shoes. The unit chief speaks up,
“If you had started taking Dilaudid again, we would have done anything we could to help you get better,” despite a surge of shame that made his cheeks flush, the anger he’d emoted 24 hours prior snuck it’s way back into his system as well,
“Like you helped last time?” The younger agent said with a sarcastic bite as he glared at the man in front of him. Neither Hotch nor JJ had a retort. It was just then that Hotch noticed how much older Reid seemed compared to the 24-year-old idea of him that still took up space in his brain. Reid presses his initial question again, looking at JJ, “So you still wouldn’t have told me?” she opens her mouth to respond, but Hotch beats her to it,
“Doyle had an entire network of mercenaries at his disposal to go after anyone he thought had any information about Emily’s whereabouts. But I know you know that,” Hotch left on a beat that implied the mere lie of Emily’s status wasn’t where this anger originated form - at least not entirely. Reid looked with weary eyes out the French doors that separated them from the rest of the group laughing and telling stories around the fire. Hotch continued, “My guess is you’ve been dealing with these thoughts and urges a lot longer than we think. Maybe even before Emily’s run-in with Doyle,” Reid’s head shot up to look at his boss, looking like he had just been accused of some great sin,
“I don’t need you to profile me,” the bitterness returned, only slightly softened by JJ,
“Spence, where is this coming from?” JJ asked, trying to gently coax some information from the man who was clearly not in a good place. Reid tried to deflect,
“I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’ll drop it, okay? You aren’t supposed to know about any of that anyway, so…” he said, knowing full and well that his teammates weren’t about to let that slide. JJ argued,
“But we do know. And you’re right, we weren’t there for you like we should have been after Hankel,” Reid’s jaw clenched at the mention of the name, “but we’re here now and we want to help you.” Reid shook his head, not persuaded. He surprised himself with how long he could hold onto a grudge. Truth be told, he has always had the tiniest bit of resentment towards his team members who were present for the Hankel case, and everything that transpired afterwards, that didn’t intervene.
“I don’t need your help, I’m fine,” Reid assured, Hotch rebutted forcefully,
“No, you're not. And I’m not convinced you haven't relapsed.” JJ’s head shot up to look at the unit chief in shock. Reid huffed in amusement at what he considered to be a preposterous notion,
“And what makes you say that?” JJ tried to stop this back-and-forth before it began,
“Aaron, that’s totally uncalled for,” Hotch persisted,
“Your behavior since Prentiss returned. You’ve been hostile and avoidant. You disappear for varying periods of time on cases, your fingers twitch. You aren’t drinking, possibly because you don’t want the alcohol to react poorly with something else in your system. Your eyes are bloodshot, you look like you haven’t slept in weeks–”
“Months.” Reid corrected. Hotch could see his subordinate seething with anger as he listed what he perceived to be symptoms of opioid abuse. Reid went on to dispel every single one of them, “I haven’t slept in months because when I do I have nightmares. When I’m awake I have headaches. Between the physical pain, emotional duress, and exhaustion, I have been struggling with thoughts of using again, hence the twitchiness. I disappear to attend meetings or talk to my sponsor. I’m not drinking because I don’t take anything that could lower my inhibitions and lead me to relapse when I’m feeling like this,” JJ interrupted in an attempt to calm the situation that was heating up,
“Spence, stop. You don’t need to–” Reid ignored her and took a step closer to Hotch, all but shouting,
“I’m hostile and avoidant of the team because I don’t want to be here! I didn’t ask to be reinstated back into the unit, but Morgan and Garcia convinced me to stay,” Reid’s raised voice attracted the attention of the remaining four team members that sat outside. The group turned to look through the windowed doors. Morgan stood to get a better view of the scene inside. Reid didn’t pay the crowd any attention, “obviously that was a mistake,” he finishes his rant as he put his jacket back on, making it clear he isn’t going to stay and be accused by people he thought were his friends. Morgan excused himself and made his way inside upon understanding that Reid’s intention was to storm out. He quickly closed the French door behind him,
“What the hell is going on in here?” he said broadly, though his eyes landed on the blonde. JJ tried to downplay the situation,
“It’s fine, Derek, please just go back outside,” Morgan overhears Hotch and Reid continue their conversation near the front door. Hotch asked,
“You’re still having headaches?” Reid laughed, gathering his keys as well,
“That’s what you took from all of that? I basically just told you I quit,” Derek went wide-eyed, moving towards the pair in the foyer,
“Whoa, whoa, kid. What do you mean you quit?” Spencer refused to look at the man who’d always acted like an older brother to him.
Hotch ignored him as he explained his question,
“You first mentioned having a headache on the Walker case in Miami at the beginning of the year. You’ve been suffering with this for 9 months with no pain relief?” Hotch asked, a little incredulous. Morgan’s not sure what he thought their disagreement had been about, but this sure wasn’t it. Reid is baffled by his boss’s focus on the migraine aspect of their confrontation and his seemingly complete ignoration of anything else he’d said that followed that point,
“No, were you even listening to me? I’m a recovering drug addict, I can’t take pain meds,” there’s a silent beat that only lasts a moment. The team had never really acknowledged the severity of Spencer’s problem until now, “You know, you didn’t seem to care this much when I was actually using, so why now, hm? If I had to guess I’d say its your guilt manifesting into misdirected anger,” Reid had always stood an inch or two taller than Hotch, but had never acted like it until now. Hotch was quick with a comeback. Just then, the rest of the team had followed Morgan inside, bearing witness to the fallout,
“Guilt about what? My failure to report an agents’ obvious drug abuse to the bureau in an attempt to salvage the career he was squandering?”
“Whoa, Hotch, come on, man,” Morgan was shocked by his boss’s harshness. No one on the team had ever faulted Reid with his addiction given the circumstances. Reid shook his head at Hotch’s misunderstanding of his point,
“You sent your two most inexperienced agents into a dangerous situation without looking into the witness that turned out to be the unsub. It took you over 48 hours to find me and only did so after I’d already eliminated the threat. You left me completely alone in the months following and when I tried to reach out for help you ignored me. You were so preoccupied with saving the career that gave me this problem in the first place that you didn’t even think about saving me . I was killing myself and the only one of you willing to confront me about it was the person who hadn’t even been on the team for more than a few weeks,” he said, referring to Emily, “Until now apparently, when its completely unwarranted, by the way, so why?”
Hotch had his reasons but he knew none of them would actually satisfy Spencer’s question so he remained silent.
“Right, okay. I’ll just assume its some feeble attempt to save your own ass when I inevitably do fall off the wagon,” his voice was low as he looked down at the keys in his hand for just a moment before looking back up to meet the eyes of every one of his team members, ultimately landing on the unit chief. He turned the doorknob, beginning his exit, “expect my letter of resignation on your desk Monday morning,” JJ called out to him as he disappeared behind the door,
“Spence, wait!” she followed down the stone steps that led to the old, blue Volvo that Reid had very rarely ever driven, making sure that the door closed behind her. Reid pretends he doesn’t hear her as he singles out the key he needs to unlock the driver-side door, “Spence, stop. Just wait,” She puts her hand on his shoulder to get him to turn around and he does, swiftly brushing her hand away,
“What, JJ?” he said, exasperated, “What else is there to say?”
“Hotch didn’t mean any of that, he was just trying to get you to-”
“Oh, did I misread his microexpressions again?” JJ shook her hands in frustration as she countered Reid’s defiance,
“Please, just stop! You keep overreacting.” Now it was JJ who was beginning to lose her temper,
“Are you serious?!” He’s in utter disbelief at her audacity, “You and Hotch tell us Emily is dead. Hotch forces us to go through psych evals where I pour my heart out about my dad leaving like a fucking idiot, he heads off to Afghanistan, you invite me over and let me cry over absolutely nothing evidently on your couch for 10 weeks–” from inside Rossi’s estate, Morgan is shouting at Hotch for his transgressions against Reid. Penelope is trying to regain her composure as Rossi tries to calm her down. Emily watches Reid and JJ through the window, seeing how Reid still appears to be fuming, gesturing aggressively up to the house, “–meanwhile I’ve got all these other issues going on with my mom not remembering she has a son and the doctors not being able to figure out my headaches, I’m tired and angry all the time, and the guy who’s supposed to be looking out for me thinks I’m a goddamn junkie, so you tell me how I’m meant to react!”
JJ couldn’t argue. She knew there would be no excusing Hotch’s statements, although she had a suspicion that he really didn’t believe any of the things he said and that his plan was to antagonize Reid in order to force out a response other than ‘I’m fine’. She also knew that Reid wouldn’t be responding well to any defense of Hotch tonight. A light went on at one of the neighbor’s houses, undoubtedly due to the shouting going on out in the normally quiet private drive. Reid tries to calm himself. He speaks in a low, worn out tone as he opens the door of his car,
“I’m done, JJ,” she has no response. With her arms crossed, one hand fidgeting with her necklace, her eyes dart searching for something, anything to say that will keep him in her sights, but she can’t come up with anything. Spencer starts up the car and pulls away from the curb, leaving the team even more unraveled than they were when they began their evening.