Archive of Our Own

It’s hard for Tina not to panic, when love is on the line. How could it not be? Love is the fabric of life. It’s what gives things meaning. If ever there’s a chance of finding it, then Tina is going to dig until her nail beds bleed.

“This is fine!” She says to her empty bedroom. “Falling in love with a friend is one of the oldest stories in the book. It’s good!”

Even filled with forced conviction, her words are fraught with worry. She sounds harrowed, like a woman returning from war.

“And you used to hate Zeke!” She reminds herself. “So, we’ve got the enemies-to-lovers angle, too. We’re nailing this!”

If only there weren’t so many problems with this situation. It’s senior year, almost time to graduate. Holding onto friendships is more important now than ever before. What if breaking the seal, crossing from friendship to something more means that everything she and Zeke have will be ruined?

When she thinks about him becoming her boyfriend, it almost feels like it’s worth the risk. Tina’s dated a lot in high school. She’s broken hearts and had hers broken. No one, not a single boy, has been as sweet to her as Zeke consistently is.

Shaking her head, she tries to rid herself of the tendency to rely on feelings over logic. Obviously,  Zeke is sweet. That isn’t the problem! She needs to decide if he’s boyfriend material. She tears open a diary she keeps in one of her desk drawers. 

It isn’t her most recent diary. She receives a new one for Christmas each year, and this tattered journal was one of her first. This is the diary, where she first began a very important list.

A list about love, of course. That essential thing she obsesses over. When she was just a little kid, still learning most things from storybooks, love is what made her start looking around. When she finally opened her eyes to the world, she began to see romance for what it really is.

Being in love is both hard and easy. It takes effort, but loving someone shouldn’t feel like a chore. Some couples, the long lasting ones, have become experts in the subject. And luckily for Tina, she’s really only ever had one real life couple to look up to.

Mom and Dad aren’t perfect. They would never claim to be. Still, they’ve taught Tina an awful lot about love. When she thinks about strong relationships, theirs is the first to come to mind. 

Her parents are a great team. They work together. Even after big fights, they always wind up back on the same side. They smile a lot around each other.

As a kid, still trying to figure this stuff out, observing her parents seemed to be Tina’s best bet for reaching any kind of understanding. That’s why she started her list: What a Partner Should Be. It once said husband, but she changed that in middle school for the sake of inclusivity. What if her list was published in a magazine some day? Below each bullet-pointed number is an anecdote, a Mom and Dad story that taught her something crucial. She still re-reads it, when her love life is feeling particularly destitute. Or confusing, like it is right now. 

Senior year is about big changes. People are moving out, moving on, and moving up in the world. Things are changing for Tina, too, even if her changes are smaller than average. Community college instead of a big university, finally getting a bump in her hourly wage at the restaurant.

Tina thinks there’s another change she’d like to make. If what her heart is telling her is accurate, she’s pretty sure she and Zeke should be making the leap to boyfriend-girlfriend status. It’s a terrifying decision to reach, and she needs to consult her sacred list before she does anything drastic. 

Even now, at seventeen, this list is important. It’s gospel. If, after checking it, Tina surmises that Zeke lives up to its standards, she’ll have to admit something. Something big. One hand on her forehead, a sigh already building in her throat, she looks at her list and begins to read.

A partner should be:

1. Someone you can rely on.                       

Tina’s always liked waking up a smidge earlier than her siblings, climbing out of bed before Mom comes to get her up. Being eight means she’s more advanced than the younger kids, and that means she requires less of her parents’ attention. But she still enjoys it, and that’s what’s so nice about getting up early. All parental attention is placed firmly on her.

“It’s fine, seriously.” Dad is saying one morning, when Tina arrives in the kitchen for breakfast.

He’s sitting at the kitchen table with one hand covering his face, an immediate sign that something is wrong. Mom always has to fight for the chance make breakfast. Tina knows Dad would rather spend his mornings making extravagant omelettes, but he’s content with normal scrambled eggs if that’s what everyone wants. Waffles, too, if Gene requests them.

“It doesn’t sound fine.” Mom says, making a face into her pan of eggs and then checking to see if Dad noticed. “Do we need to take you to the doctor?”

Tina’s heart drops into her stomach. Medical stuff freaks her out. Anything that puts her family in harm’s way is frightening, and ailments that require a trip to the doctor possess an added layer of mystery. She remembers going to urgent care as a toddler, inhaling the chemically scented waiting room as she waited for her high fever to be appraised. It was awful. 

“Is everything okay?” She asks, wrapping an arm around her own stomach in a phantom hug.

Snapping their attention towards her, both parents nod in unison.

“Your dad’s just bein’ stubborn, baby.” Mom says, and her tone is soothing even if Tina doesn’t quite recognize the word.

“No, Tina.” Dad cuts in. “Your mom thinks I need to stay home from work, and I don’t.”

Tina looks back and forth between them. She’s never known Dad to stay home, and staying home is something that only happens when someone is sick. Making her way over to him, she covers his forehead with her palm. He isn’t warm to the touch.

“It’s not a fever.” He explains, still looking at Mom. “You hear that, Lin? It’s not a fever. That means I can work.”

Mom rolls her eyes, poking at the eggs with a spatula.

“Your father has a migraine.” She says.

When Tina just looks at her, Dad steps in.

“Basically a really bad headache.” He says. “Well, not really bad. Manageable. Definitely manageable.”

Having caught him in an admission, Mom smirks.

“A very bad headache, baby.” She explains. “One that makes your tummy hurt and your eyes go all funny.”

Tina frowns. She doesn’t like the idea of her Dad’s stomach bothering him, and she doesn’t like thinking about what the noise of the restaurant would do to his already sensitive head.

“Sleeping helps me, when I feel sick.” She says.

It’s almost a relief, when her parents ignore her. This problem feels elevated beyond her level of expertise, and she’s happy to let the grown ups deal with it. She knows they’ll make the right choice.

“Bob, I’m serious.” Mom says, a firm gentleness replacing her irritation. “You just rest today, and I’ll take care of all the other stuff.”

Apparently, the fact that other stuff consists of both running a business and watching all three kids by herself isn’t daunting. At least, Mom doesn’t sound at all intimidated. She begins plating the eggs.

Tina waits to see what will happen. Because she trusts both of her parents implicitly, it can feel a little harrowing when they disagree. Whose side should she be on now? Dad sighs, closes his eyes, then covers them with his hand.

“My head really is killing me.” He says, his resolve already beginning to fade.

Eyes opening again, he waits for Mom to face away from the eggs. Like she knows that he’s waiting, she turns around to meet his eye. Tina watches. Mom’s eyebrows go up, and Dad’s furrow. They communicate in silence.

“Fine.” Dad relents. “I’ll go back to sleep. Just for a little bit, though. I’ll probably come downstairs later.”

“Like hell you will.” Mom says. “I’m putting you on bed rest for the day. Get your beauty sleep.”

Dad grunts. Whether Mom’s plan will work or not, Tina isn’t sure—keeping him out of the kitchen is always difficult. Mom blows a kiss as he heads off to bed, and Tina’s brief period of repose is soon chased away by new concerns.

“So, you’re making burgers by yourself today?” She clarifies.

Mom nods.

“Yep. Will you go get your brother and sister, sweetie? I don’t want their food getting cold.”

Tina’s anxious thoughts weigh out against her desire to be obedient.

“Are you sure you can do everything by yourself?” She asks worriedly. “You and Dad need each other!”

Mom waves an unconcerned hand in the air.

“What your Dad needs is a day off.” She asserts. “That’s the great thing about marriage, baby! If you aren’t feeling up to something, there’s always someone there to give you a hand.”

Tina is silent, chewing on that new piece of information. She turns it over a few times in her head.

“Like teamwork.” She says finally, thinking partly of gym class.

“Makes the dream work, baby! That’s right.”

Tina’s never heard that rhyme, so she thinks her mom must’ve invented it. Just, as it appears to her, like she and Dad invented partnership as a concept.

“Wow.” She says. “You guys kind of…match. Like the fish game.”

She’s referring to a deck of cards from when she was younger, where she would have to identify which two fish pictures were a pair. She wouldn’t pick Mom and Dad as a matching set just by looking at them, but it might just be that humans are more complicated than fish.

“Just like the fish game!” Mom agrees enthusiastically, pulling a carton of orange juice out of the fridge. “Now go get Gene and Louise, baby. It’s time for breakfast.”

Trotting off down the hallway, Tina makes a mental note: when she gets married, she should only marry someone who will take care of her restaurant when she’s sick. Someone dependable. Someone she can rely on.

As the story comes to a close, Tina taps her fingers on the wood of her desk.

Someone you can rely on. Someone you can rely on. She taps again, harder, growing impatient.

She can rely on Zeke. There’s no denying that. If that’s the first criteria he needs to meet, then he does so with ease. Tina groans. Is this really what she wants? If Zeke lives up to her list, that means she’ll have to talk to him about this—face rejection. It’s almost more calming to wish for failure.

She skims the diary entry again, half-hoping to find a flaw that she missed before. Something Mom did for Dad that Zeke would never do, or something he’s incapable of. It’s no use.

He’s just too good of a guy. If they owned a business together, she doesn’t doubt that he would hold down the fort for her if she was sick. No, she can’t argue this one.

She’s been able to rely on Zeke for years now, even before they were friends. Even back when she was fourteen, and they were barely anything at all.

Summers on Ocean Avenue are uniquely whimsical. With business booming at the wharf, the street is full of rambunctious kids eating cotton candy under the burning sun. There’s lots of laughter, excitement, and sugar. If Tina didn’t have to pass out these stupid fliers, maybe she could actually enjoy it.

It’s not that she doesn’t understand the importance of learning responsibility. It’s just…she thinks she’s basically got the hang of that by now, and it’s annoying to have chores delegated to her on such a nice day. It’s her final summer before high school, and she’s barely gotten the chance to savor it.

“If you come to Bob’s Burgers today, all meals are half off.” She informs a woman passing by. 

The woman wrinkles her nose, like Tina is a piece of gum stuck to her shoe. Her hand forms a fist as she walks away, already crumpling the flier in her grip.

“You’re missing out!” Tina calls, knowing the woman doesn’t care.

Somewhere at the end of the street, she can her sister’s sharp laugh. It’s obvious she and Gene have forgotten about their assigned task all together. Tina blows upward, pushing her bangs out of her eyes.

Man, it’s hot out today. Sweat trickles down her back, making it sticky, and she wades into a fantasy of taking a cold shower at home.

The day goes by without much success. Offer a flier. Get rejected. Offer a flier. Man says he’ll stop in but doesn’t mean it. Tina’s afternoon is an utter failure, until someone she recognizes shows up.

“T-bird, hey!” She hears the familiar voice call from across the street. “I thought that was you!”

Being that she’s already in a bad mood, Zeke is not very high up on the list of people she wants to see. Nevertheless, he races across the street like they’re old friends.

“Hi Zeke.” She says flatly.

“Watcha got there?” He asks. “Passin’ out coupons or something?”

Tina’s grip on her stack of paper tightens.

“Just fliers.” She corrects. “My dad thinks they’ll drum up business, but it’s not really working.”

This is one of those moments, where she almost wishes her parents had more conventional jobs. If Dad was an astronaut or something, she wouldn’t be out on the street practically begging for hand outs.

“Hey, I respect it!” Zeke says. “Gotta make a livin’ somehow. Can I have one?”

Tina blinks. Zeke isn’t usually the type to make fun of her. Any time he has said something insensitive, it’s been only out of obliviousness. Never malice. It’s only when he doesn’t laugh in her face that Tina realizes he isn’t joking.

“You want one?” She asks. “A flier for my family’s restaurant?”

“Of course!” Zeke says. “I can throw back a burger like nobody’s business. And if I’m helping you out, then I think we’ve got ourselves a win-win!”

Tina’s hand hovers in midair, the stack of fliers practically begging to be given away. She blinks, still trying to decode a second meaning in his words. When she doesn’t find one, she relents.

“Here you go.” She says. “My dad’s burgers are good, by the way. And I’m not just saying that, because I have to.”

Zeke reads the flier he’s holding, and Tina has the strangest urge to brag that she’s the one who designed it.

“Your dad sure does know his way around the kitchen!” He says. “I’ll stop over there now.”

Tina nods, happy her afternoon is showing signs of improvement. She managed to wrangle in one customer. At least that’s something.

“That would be great, Zeke.” She says honestly. “I…I appreciate that. Thank you.”

He shrugs.

“No sweat!” He assures her. “You know I’m always down to help you out, girl.”

“…I guess I know that now. Um, I’ll see you around.”

For an instant, she wants to ask him to stand with her longer. He’d probably be good company.

“See ya, T-bird! Good luck with your fliers!”

Zeke strolls past her, ready to go grab his lunch, and Tina can’t help watching his retreating figure. He didn’t have to help her like that. As much as she hates to admit it, she might be developing a soft spot for him. One that seems to get softer every day.

When she’s sure that Zeke has satisfied her first requirement, Tina moves onto the next. 
This one, written when she was ten, is slightly more serious. It alludes to the imperfections of love, to those times that require serious commitment.

2. Someone who loves you at your worst .

Tina smiles. Even at their worst, Mom and Dad are pretty great, but neither of them are strangers to a bad mood. As soon as she starts reading the next section, she remembers the day she had written about.

A family road trip, one of many, where her Mom had been particularly cranky.

“Are we there yet?” Louise asks, grinning as she predicts the response her question will provoke.

Gene asked first, over an hour ago, out of sincere curiosity. Every subsequent time that Louise has asked has been because she enjoys being a nuisance.

“Louise!” Mom snaps. “Didn’t we say we’d tell you, when we were there?”

Contorting her face into something resembling innocence, Louise shrugs.

“Sorry, Mom. I just can’t wait to see Grandpa and Gram Gram!”

Mom grumbles. Tina is momentarily impressed by her sister’s positive attitude, until she realizes she’s being entirely sarcastic. Seeing their grandparents always makes Mom tense, and that tension tends to settle over the rest of the family like a dark cloud.

“Same here.” Dad says with contrived personality. “Lin, aren’t you excited? Florida? Pools? Those things are…fun.”

Another grumble, and Tina tries to give her sister a warning glance. It’s obvious that Mom is in no mood to be annoyed.

“Yep. Love it. Can’t wait.” She says shortly.

Mom is usually the one doing what Dad is doing now, speaking in a loud, upbeat voice to entice everyone else into cheer. She’d gotten into an argument with Gram Gram on the phone the night before, and whatever disagreement occurred between them is clearly weighing heavily on her mind. Dad sighs, when his attempts at changing the mood fail to work.

“We should stop to get gas.” He says.

“I think I have enough to go around!” Gene pipes up, and Mom doesn’t even smile.

“Gene.” Dad scolds, as he turns into a gas station.

Once they’ve pulled up to a pump, Tina expects her Dad to unbuckle his seatbelt, rise from his seat, and begin pumping gas. He completes the first two steps, then peeks back through the door car before beginning the third.

“Hey, Lin?” He asks. “Think you can fill the tank? I want to go inside for a second.”

There’s a pregnant pause in the car, as Mom stares back at him. As much pleasure as she takes in chaos, even Louise looks perturbed at Dad’s willingness to poke the dragon. Now, more than ever, is a time when he should resign himself to letting Mom relax.

“Yeah.” Mom says, though her eyes turn to daggers. “You go have a nice little adventure, Bob. I’ll pump the gas.”

Pretending not to notice her annoyance, Dad nods.

“Thanks. I’ll be right back. Louise, stay in the car.”

Once both parents are out of earshot, Tina widens her eyes with urgency.

“You guys should stop being so…loud.” She suggests. “Mom’s already in a bad mood.”

Staring out of her window, likely looking for ways to cause trouble, Louise shrugs.

“Dad’s the one who just landed himself in the doghouse.” She says. “I’m just waiting on that sweet, sweet Florida sunshine.”

“Me too!” Gene says. “A nice, auburn tan will look amazing with my eyes!”

Tina doesn’t say anything else. She envies her siblings’ ability to be so out of touch with the storm of emotions raging around them. Mom is upset, and that means Tina is stuck dwelling on the how and why. Gene and Louise don’t seem bothered.

Personally, she can’t imagine being anything but thrilled on the way to visit her parents. Then again, her own Mom isn’t overly critical. Gram Gram can be downright mean sometimes. Mom finishes with the tank just as Dad is coming out of the store, and everyone is surprised to see a plastic bag in his hand when he joins them in the car.

“Is that for me?” Gene asks, bracing himself on Dad’s seat as he leans forward. “Is it chocolate?”

He gasps.

“Is it Chunky Blast-Offs?”

Dad shakes his head, not taking his eyes off of Mom.

“You kids have had way too much sugar today.” He says, referencing the milkshakes they had with lunch. “Here you go, Lin.”

As Gene and Louise explode into diatribes about unfairness and the ethics of starving your children, Dad places a candy bar in Mom’s hand. For the first time since they passed through Maryland, some of the tension on her face dissolves. It turns to mild surprise. 

“For me?” She asks.

Dad nods.

“Your favorite, right? It…seemed like you might need a pick-me-up.”

He gives her a pointed look, and it’s clear that he knows what her fight with Grandma was about. Because it’s an enigmatic adult thing that Tina isn’t in on, she’s grateful Dad is savvy enough to come up with this solution on his own.

Mom actually smiles now, and Tina is pretty sure she’s forgotten that anyone other than Dad is in the car with her.

“Aw, Bobby.” She says. “You got me this even though I’ve been a sourpuss the whole drive?”

“Kind of…because of that.” Dad says apologetically. “I know chocolate always makes you feel better.”

Mom kisses him, and even the tiny peck creates a chorus of disgusted sounds from the backseat.

“Aww.” Tina says amidst the noise.

Mom twists in her seat to address the kids.

“Mommy’s sorry she’s been in such a grumpy mood today.” She says. “I’m gonna buck up now, alright?”

Gene and Louise cheer at this, mostly because they like to take every opportunity the universe gives them to be as loud as possible. Still smiling in Mom’s direction, Dad doesn’t even remind them about inside voices.

“Florida time, my babies!” Mom says, injecting a newfound sense of optimism into her voice.

She starts eating her conciliatory chocolate almost as soon as they’re back on the road, and the atmosphere in the car is considerably lighter. Tina thinks it must be nice to know that the person who loves you will keep loving you even on your bad days. That he’ll put up with your grouching and not even ask you to take over the wheel. 

“Kids, your mom is sleeping.” Dad announces soon, and it sounds like a warning.

Sure enough, Mom’s slumped down in her seat when Tina looks up. The chocolate really did relax her. For the rest of the ride, every time someone gets too loud, Dad shushes them.

Upon finishing the road trip story, Tina’s face pinches. Has Zeke seen me at my worst? She thinks. To take things further, she considers what exactly her worst might look like.

Some people might say it’s when she’s throwing herself at something wholeheartedly, not caring how embarrassing it is, but Tina disagrees. That willingness to be herself just means she’s courageous.

Really, the side of her no one expects is the one that does the most damage. 

People are always surprised, when they find out about Tina’s temper. She’s supposed to be the quiet one, after all. It’s an unfortunate truth that even nice girls like Tina can only take so much, before they become vengeful. That’s when things get ugly.

Rage: that’s what leads to her most regrettable moments. Zeke’s seen her angry, sure. He’s put up with her bad moods, and he’s been around to see her reach a boiling point.

While she thinks about anger, one face passes through Tina’s head. It’s as dark and foreboding as a flame, and the image alone makes her roll her eyes. Yes, there is one person with the capacity to bring out the absolute worst side of her. Zeke’s certainly seen the fury that she can drag out of Tina.

Still envisioning her greatest frenemy, she suppresses a growl. Ugh. Tammy freaking Larsen.

“Whatever, Tina. Do you think you’re, like, better than us or something? Just because you got a good grade on some stupid paper?”

Tammy’s voice must be the single most grating sound ever to come out of a person’s mouth. When she draws her words out in that forced, valley girl inflection, it requires a lot of self restraint for Tina not to get violent.

“I don’t know, Tammy. Do you think you’re better than us, because your face is a different shade than your neck?”

She wouldn’t normally comment on another girl’s make up, but Tammy is asking for it. All week, she’s been making every snide comment she can to get under her skin. Tammy shrieks, sounding more animalistic than human.

“God, Tina! Go put your boobs in a blender!”

The nonsensical comeback is the last straw for Tina, who hears an unfamiliar growling sound come from the back of her own throat.

“No, Tammy!” She shoots back viciously. “You put your boobs in a blender! And put your essay there while you’re at it, because it was really bad!”

There. It’s out in the open. Tammy’s final screech is overpowered by the lunch bell, and Tina turns out of their English classroom before anyone can counter her last remark. As fast as she storms down the hallway, she can’t escape the whispers.

“Tina’s like, psycho.” A girl named Jen mutters. “Like, psycho-psycho.”

She clenches her fists at her sides. Never mind that Tammy had started this whole fight to begin with. Tina would never say a mean word about someone who didn’t deserve it.

Standing in the hot lunch line, she gets the sense that everyone is staring at her. Whether or not it’s true, she convinces herself that news of her outburst has spread to every corner of Huxley High.

She actually thought Tammy would be different in high school. In fact, they’ve made it to November of their freshman year without any wild disagreements breaking out between the two of them.

They even sit at the same lunch table. Tina watches Tammy now, whispering to Jocelyn and glancing overtly over at Tina. They join Jimmy Jr at their usual table, the one that Tina typical sits at with them. 

This whole situation would feel vastly different, if she still went to Wagstaff. When she went to school with her siblings, she always had a lunch table to sit at. Always. Feeling tears beginning to burn her eyes, she picks at the fries on her tray.

She isn’t crazy to be angry, right? Until Tammy started bitching about it, she’d been so proud of her essay. She’d poured her heart and soul into the prompt: When do you feel the happiest?

That was easy. Sitting in the living room, her entire family surrounding her, the buttery scent of popcorn filling the air. She’d tried to incorporate all five senses, and she was proud of the end product. When she’d actually received a good grade, she was even prouder.

Tammy always has to ruin things. Whatever she sinks her obnoxious fake nails into, she destroys. Tina shoves a fry into her mouth, imagining that it’s Tammy she’s digging her teeth into.

Halfway through lunch, when she’s oscillated between anger and hurt more than a few times, she sees Zeke approaching from the other end of the room. She’s proactively annoyed with him, too.

Like everyone else seems to be, she’s sure he’s taking Tammy’s side. Why wouldn’t he? Just because they’ve been mingling with the same friends lately, doesn’t mean he has any real loyalty to her.

“Hey, Tina.” He says casually, not at all like she’s a bomb about to detonate. 

“Hi.” She says shortly. “Everyone else is sitting in the back.”

On the first day of school, Tammy told all of their friends that the back of the lunch room was where cool kids sat. It was something she’d heard from a cousin of hers.

“I know where everybody else is.” Zeke says. “I wanted to check on you, girl! You seemed kinda upset earlier.”

She glares. Yes, she was upset. She’s still upset. She isn’t in the mood for a lecture about being the bigger person. She is always the bigger person. It’s demoralizing.

Seeing her frustration, Zeke raises his hands in surrender.

“Hey, I’m not judgin’!” He clarifies. “Tammy’s a handful. It was nice to see you put her in her place.”

Tina’s mouth hangs open. So, he gets it. He gets it! Finally, someone understands how being relentlessly picked on can drive a person to rage.

“It was nice doing it.” She says. “I hate being mean, but…”

Zeke chuckles, and it draws a smile from Tina, too.

“But some people make bein’ nice real hard.” He says. “You know she’s just jealous, right?”

That suggestion isn’t new to her. It’s something her mom says sometimes. Before hearing someone else say it, Tina assumed it was just a lie that all moms had to tell.

“That’s what I figured.” She says. “Because I’m a good person, and Tammy’s…terrible. No offense.”

Her bluntness wins another laugh from Zeke.

“You’ve got her there. I can’t blame you for gettin’ all worked up. Did it help you feel any better?”

She takes a breath. Before she told Tammy off, her stomach had been in knots. Her body droops now, exhausted, but she’s also relieved.  It feels good to defend herself. It feels even better to know that Zeke sees the situation for how it is, and he doesn’t think she’s crazy.

“I do feel better.” She confesses. “Thanks for sitting with me, Zeke. And…for understanding.”

He pushes his own lunch tray closer to her, offering up his pale chicken nuggets.

“Don’t mention it.” He says. “That’s what friends are for.”

Not wanting to waste any more brain power on Tammy memories, Tina just draws a check mark next to Someone who loves you at your worst. Zeke’s seen her at her lowest and not gone anywhere. 

Because she’s an acquired taste, the next section of the list is of the utmost importance to her.

3. Someone you can be yourself around.

That sentence fragment alone has been a pillar of her entire life. The importance of being true to yourself, bizarre habits and all, is a piece of knowledge her parents have hammered home since Tina can remember.

It only makes sense. Odd parents make odd kids, and you end up with a whole house full of people who aren’t exactly ordinary.

Dear Diary,

The next entry begins, written neatly in pink ink.

I think I have the weirdest parents ever.

“Hey, did you know we’re all out of cornstarch?” Dad says, slipping out of the kitchen in the middle of a cooking frenzy.

Tina is sitting in front of the couch with Mom behind her, brushing her wet hair. One of the privileges of turning twelve is that she occasionally gets to go to bed an hour later than her siblings. The brush scratches her scalp placidly, the beginnings of sleep passing over her. The shampoo on sale this month was coconut scented, so that’s the smell that wafts through the room every time her hair is touched. While her parents talk, she closes her eyes.

“Cornstarch? The hell do you need cornstarch for?” Mom asks.

“For the breading, Lin!” Dad says exasperatedly. “I’m gonna run to the store before it closes.”

Dad’s newest obsession is making the perfect chicken tenders, desperate to prove Teddy wrong after he implied he wouldn’t be able to. His obsessive nature means he’s still in the kitchen at half past nine, fixated on his third batch of the day. Gene had happily scarfed down most of the first two, but that didn’t mean much. Gene wasn’t all that discerning.

“You go, Dad.” Tina says passively. “I believe in you.”

“Thank you, Tina. I should be back in twenty minutes. Maybe thirty.”

As he’s pulling on his coat, he’s mumbling to himself. He’s whispering something about what would happen if he added garlic to his recipe. When he starts down the staircase, Tina can hear him giggle with feverish excitement.

“You hear that?” Mom says, after he shuts the front door. “Such a friggin’ dork.”

Dork. It’s something Tina’s been called many times, but she’s never heard it said with so much love.

“A dork?”

She can’t see her mom, but she knows she’s nodding by the way the brush bounces.

“Oh yeah! Big one. Didn’t you hear him?”

Her voice has gone dreamy, remembering something. Probably getting nostalgic about memories that Tina wasn’t there for.

“He always does that.” Tina says. “You don’t think it’s weird?”

Mom’s laugh is sharp and incredulous, as she runs the brush down Tina’s dark hair.

“Weird? Of course it’s weird! Your dad’s always been weird, baby. He just likes to hide it sometimes.”

Tina takes that in, trying to nod even as the brush is stuck in her hair. Sometimes, when she thinks about her dream boy, she removes some of her own flaws. Fantasy Tina isn’t quite as awkward as the girl she’s based on.

“But it doesn’t bother you.” She states.

Mom kisses the top of her head, right where most of the coconut scent is localized.

“Doesn’t bother me a bit.” She says. “Who wants to be married to some boring guy anyway?”

Right then and there, Tina resigns herself to something: if she’s going to fantasize, the girl in her vision will be her. The real her. The boy she’s with will appreciate all of her weirdness.

“You’re right.” She agrees. “I guess that does sound kind of lame.”

“Very. Do you want this braided, sweetie?”

Tina is quiet, while they continue playing hair salon. She thought she’d be an expert by now, but she’s still learning every day. Romance doesn’t happen only when you tape down what makes you different. With the right person, the weird stuff will be embedded right inside.

Good to know.

The next day, Mom sings a song down in the restaurant. It’s about pickles, and she hums it even as she waltzes out of the kitchen to bring a customer their order.

Little green guys, all tall and long. I love you, so I wrote you this song.

“She’s so weird.” Tina comments from the grill, now aware of the affectionate definition that the word can take on. “Don’t you think, Dad?”

“Your mom? Uh…yes, Tina. Extremely.”

And when he shakes his head, his eyes rolling slightly, she knows exactly what the bemused smile on his lips is saying.

Reading that back, Tina can’t believe there was ever a time when she thought she would change herself for a boy. Zeke’s never made her feel that she has to. 

It wasn’t always obvious to her, but she can be herself around him. He sees friends everywhere he looks, and he embraces weird people like it’s a hobby. It’s Tina’s quirks that he appreciates most of all. 

Tina stays friends with Zeke for all of freshman year, but it isn’t until they’re sophomores that he comes over to the apartment for the first time. Scratch that. He’d been to their apartment before. In middle school, when her sister had insisted on screening that gory zombie movie. There was also the time that he, Tammy, and Jimmy Jr. crowded into her room and got fake drunk on margarita mix.

This time is different. He’s coming over by himself, not as one friend in a sea of others. It’s also different, because she’d really like to make a good an impression. She’s far more concerned about his opinions than she used to be.

This development happened slowly. Over time, Tina came to see that his better qualities more than made up for his annoying ones. It was hard to persist in disliking someone who was so unflinchingly nice to her, and Zeke is so nice. He’s such a good friend. Of all the rooms in the apartment, her own bedroom is the primary problem.

It hasn’t been updated in years, because Tina’s never believed it needed updating. She hasn’t given that a thought until now, when she’s going to be alone in her room with a boy. Briefly, she considers stripping her bedroom of all its Tina-centricities. If she put her horse figurines in boxes, and hid her unique posters under the bed, her room could probably look almost normal. Cool, even.

The thought is gone almost as soon as it comes. Her room is a reflection of her truest self, and anyone who doesn’t like it must not like her very much either. As she listens for the sound of knocking at the front door, she tries to see her bedroom the way an outsider would.

Wow. She assumes a stranger would think. This girl must really love horses. She’s probably really fun and gorgeous, too.

The sound she’s been waiting on pulls her away from the fantasy. She jumps at the knocking that sounds downstairs, so loud that it must be coming from someone with strong hands. Tina thinks about Zeke’s strong hands a lot. Thinks about them platonically, that is. She bolts downstairs, before anyone can beat her to the door.

“I’ll get it, I’ll get it, I’ll get it!” She calls out.

It’s a wonder she doesn’t trip in her haste, and beads of sweat are dripping down her back by the time she greets her guest.

“Excited to see me?” Zeke teases.

Tina isn’t great at banter.

“Yes.” She says honestly, the words rushing out of her mouth. “Let’s go upstairs.”

“Whatever you wanna do is fine with me, Tina girl.”

A preemptive blush crosses her face then, where she knows exactly what’s coming. When Zeke doesn’t make the first move, she initiates it herself.

“So…” She says awkwardly. “Are we going to…hug now?”

He gives her an easy smile. In her head, Tina assumes that hugging comes naturally to Zeke. He does it with everyone. Big, warm, embraces.

“You know I can’t say no to you, girl!” He jokes.

For Tina, non-family hugs are something she’s still getting acquainted with. She and Jimmy Jr hugged once, behind the gym after Freshman homecoming, seconds after they decided they were better off as friends. It was an isolated moment, not romantic at all.

Tina remains standing on the bottom step, which puts her at about Zeke’s height. She’s stiff at first, self conscious about wrapping her arms around his neck, but she gradually melts into his touch.

“Thanks for havin’ me.” He says in his best approximation of an inside voice.

Tina just mumbles, too lost in the bliss of hugging a boy to formulate a proper response. Having Zeke’s arms around her creates a dizzying fog in her brain, and it’s impossible not to pretend that something romantic is happening.

“Tina, baby?” Her mom’s voice calls from upstairs. “Didja get lost on the way up here?”

The two startle apart like they’re on fire.

“Coming, Mom!” Tina says, her head still spinning even as they begin to charge up the stairs.

“My mom says we can study in my room today.” She says over her shoulder.

Zeke isn’t a big complainer, so he wouldn’t have minded even if they had to sit at the kitchen table. Not that anything will happen in her room. It’ll just be easier to focus by themselves, not surrounded by the noise of her family.

“Sweet!” Zeke says. “This whole ‘fractions’ thing has got my brain hurtin’ like crazy! Really trips me out.”

Louise comes out of the living room, before he can be swiftly ushered down the hallway.

“Zeke!” She steps in front of them as they reach the top of the stairs. “How the hell are you, buddy? Any stories for me? Top ten detentions of the year, go!”

Tina holds onto Zeke’s arm only so she can steer him out of Louise’s war path. No other reason.

“Louise, we‘re kind of busy right now. With…high school stuff?”

The younger girl scowls, but the anger fades when Tina gives her a pleading look.

“Well…” Louise amends, addressing Zeke. “Maybe you can tell me later, after you Tina get done studying.”

She says you owe me, T by widening her eyes just so.

“I’ll catch you later, Louise!” Zeke assures her. “I think big sis called dibs on ol’ Zeke for the rest of the night.”

“Oh, she called dibs, did she?”

Tina hopes that Zeke doesn’t catch the way her sister is smirking. Louise, as a rule, doesn’t care about anything related to romance, but even she’s been wagging her eyebrows at Tina when the subject of her newest friend comes up. She enjoys the satisfaction of figuring something out before she’s told.

“Zeke!” Gene calls from out of sight. “Do you wanna hear my new song? It’s about ramen noodles! You’re a ramen guy, right?”

“Oh. Uh…definitely later, G-man! I swear!”

It’s visibly difficult for Zeke to resist getting pulled into a conversation, and Tina likes that he can fight off his extroverted tendencies for the sake of more alone time with her.

“Hi sweetie!” Her mom calls from the living room. “Bedroom door stays open tonight, understand? I was a teen once! I know how you are!”

“Lin, oh my God. Stop talking.” Dad says.

Zeke turns pink, as Tina releases his arm. She can’t help it, if she’s now picturing the two of them making out in her bedroom. It’s only natural!

“I’m really sorry about them.” She says, showing Zeke to her door.

“Don’t be! I like a family with a little personality. Keeps things interesting.”

If it’s personality he wants, then he’s come to the right place. Tina will make sure to include Gene and Louise in their post-studying snack session. That’s another good thing about Zeke: he doesn’t expect her to leave her siblings in the dust, when kids her own age are around.

Dad calls Louise back into the living room, and Tina takes a deep breath. The moment of truth is here. When she swings her door open, the living room falls suspiciously silent. As they’re prone to do, her family is eavesdropping.

“So…” Tina says, looking around at her own decor.

Everything feels new to her. The horses and the posters. The dorky Photo Booth strip of she and Gene at the mall. Oh, my God. She thinks. Why did I never realize how lame this place is?

All of the embarrassment she’s ever felt begins seeping into her body. She’s a kid again. A weird kid. Like a bad memory, splotchy redness overtakes her face and neck.

“It’s…” She tries to speak again.

She stops herself. It’s her bedroom. It’s all the things she loves compiled into one safe space. It’s Tina personified, and she won’t apologize for that.

“It’s just like how I remember!” Zeke says, his eyes scanning her desk like he’s recalling being here back in middle school. “This place is badass, T!”

That’s enough to stop her in her tracks. Unequivocally, her room should not be described as badass. Fun? Whimsical? Quirky? Any of those words might make more sense.

“Badass?” She asks, waiting on a punchline.

“Hell yeah!” Zeke says. “It’s like what you’d get, if your brain threw up everywhere. Pretty cool!”

Tina nods, slowly, like she understands what he’s saying and in fact thought of this description herself.

“Exactly. That’s…that’s what I was going for.”

Zeke studies a glass horse that sits on her dresser. By his body language, it’s obvious he’s taking great pains to move slowly. He doesn’t want to break anything.

“This little guy’s so cool.” He says, gazing at the horse in near reverence. “Kinda reminds me of you, actually.”

Tina’s glad that he’s facing away from her, so he doesn’t catch a glimpse of the confusion written across her face.

“Me?” She asks. “Why?”

He shrugs.

“I dunno. He looks sweet, but…tough, too. Like he doesn’t take shit from anyone.”

You’re making it so hard not to fall for you. The thought comes to Tina, before she can cast it away.

“That‘s a really nice thing to say.” She says out loud.

It’s nice when someone sees the real you, and they keep on liking you anyway.

“Okay, three in a row.” Tina says, wondering if her family is huddled outside her door and listening in on her meltdown. “So, he’s seen me for who I am and been really cool about it. That’s great.”

There’s no way the next part of the list will apply to Zeke. That just doesn’t make statistical sense, does it? Number four must be someone who hates to wrestle or someone who didn’t get really hot in high school. She looks down.

4. Someone who believes in you.

Tina tries growing her hair out for junior year, and it looks a little awkward at shoulder length. As she tries to write, it obscures her page.

“Tina, come on! When are you gonna cool it with the nerd stuff and help me dye Gene’s hair with ketchup?”

Tucking hair behind her ear for what seems like the one hundredth time, Tina leans backward in her barstool and cranes her neck. Her siblings are in the back booth, Louise’s hands a soapy mess as they drudge in and out of a large, unfamiliar bucket.

“Just give me a few more minutes.” She says.

Gross and immature as they may be, she’s not about to keep herself entirely separated from the antics of her brother and sister. She wants to peer into the bucket herself, knowing the concoction inside is almost certainly disgusting. Dad peeks his head out of the kitchen window.

“Kids?” He asks suspiciously. “Louise, what is that? What are you doing over there?”

Making no attempt to hide the mess she’s creating, Louise shoots him a slightly deranged grin.

“What? Us? We’re working, Dad. Nothing you need to worry about.”

Mom says something about aww, teamwork! And Dad just sighs. Maybe it’s because of the plans she has for later in the evening, but Tina feels a touch too sophisticated to be listening to this conversation right now.

It’ll fade. It always does. But for the moment, she’s a cool teenager. The kind of teenager she sees in movies.

“Tina, you’re seriously missing out over here!” Louise cajoles her.

Tina doesn’t know how to answer that, so she doesn’t. Louise heard what she said before. She can wait.

Looking through the glass of the restaurant’s front door, Tina doesn’t see her ride swooping in to pick her up. She shouldn’t be disappointed, because Zeke told her he wouldn’t be there until seven, but she still wishes he’d surprise her with an early arrival. The phone rings, and Dad picks up. Tina stares back down at her page, brainstorming.

Think, Tina. What’s romantic?

She’s written a thousand iterations of herself over the years. Mermaid-Tina, Popstar-Tina, Tina-who-can-talk-to-zombies. All of her favorite stories are wells that she’s now run dry. Dead ends.

“Oh..oh my God.” Dad is saying on the phone.

Letting her mind wander to the way Zeke’s hair looks when he first gets up in the morning, Tina’s face heats up as though anyone else could possibly know what she’s thinking about. She only saw his hair that way one time, when he showed up late to some hang-out he had planned with her brother. The fact that the soft, messy curls weren’t even for her just makes it all the more embarrassing when she dwells on them.

How will his hair look tonight? They’re going to see a movie together. It’s not a date thing. Well, it might be on a similar wavelength. Tina’s not quite sure. None of their other friends are going, and…he’ll probably put his arm around her? Her stomach buzzes with nervous energy, thinking of how affectionate he’s been lately. She always reciprocates, making any excuse she can to hug him or to brush a stray hair out of his eyes. 

“Right.” Dad says on the phone, growing more frantic. “Yes. I understand. I’ll…uh. I’ll see you at three, then. Thank you.”

Tina doesn’t look up when she hears the phone clank back onto the receiver, but she does snap to attention when Dad says: “Lin? Lin!”

“Ohhh boy.” Louise laughs. “He’s losing it.”

“Wha?” Mom asks, swinging the door hard on her way out of the kitchen. “What’s goin’ on? You okay?”

Dad puts two fingers on his right temple, like he’s trying to force out a bad headache.

“No.” He says gravely. “The guy that was calling owns a baseball team, and the caterer for their banquet just cancelled. He ordered seventy-five sliders to be ready at three! That’s in an hour, Lin!”

“An hour and six minutes, actually.” Tina cuts in. “Um…if that makes a difference.”

“…thank you, Tina. It doesn’t.”

She isn’t sure if all adults are as constantly stressed by their jobs as Dad always seems to be by his. Disaster is sewn into the seams of their family business, and he’s always one unexpected obstacle away from losing it completely.

“So?” Mom asks.

She tightens her apron, and the kids all hold their breath as they wait for her to do her thing. The thing only she can do, where she takes Dad’s anxiety levels down from full-on crisis mode to minor emergency.

“…so?” He repeats. “Linda, it’s an hour away! I don’t think we can handle this. I’m calling him back. I’m telling him we can’t do it.”

Mom nears him swiftly, hands on her hips, before reaching out to give his nose an aggressively affectionate poke.

“Hey!” She says sternly. “What have we said about that negative stuff? You can do this, Bobby! I know you can.”

Tina glances back down at her journal, aware that her brother and sister are too busy goofing off to pay any mind to the display unfolding in front of them.

“I don’t know.” Her dad mutters. “I wasn’t expecting this today.”

A beat of silence forces Tina to jerk her head up, tuned in to any minute body language that may be propelling the conversation forward. Far from subtle, her mom has brought both her hands up to cup Dad’s face.

“What difference does that make?” She demands. “You were made for this, baby! You start cooking, and I’ll start chopping onions. I believe in you!”

When he speaks, Dad’s voice is made silly by the way his cheeks are being pinched inward.

“…okay. Maybe you’re right. Thanks, Lin.”

As her parents get back to work, Tina is impressed by the hasty de-escalation. There’s a choreography to the way they work together, a fluidity to even the harder moments. She hears Mom plant a loud kiss on Dad’s cheek.

Flipping to a fresh page in her diary, Tina makes a note for later: something to add to that ever-growing list she keeps about good relationships.

4. She scribbles, knowing she’ll have to add it later to the original page. Your partner should be someone who believes in you.

Tina groans, almost ready to accept her fate: she’s screwed. So, so screwed.

Tina’s own writing has long been a source of conflict. On one hand, it makes her happy, but on the other, she’s pretty certain it doesn’t live up to anyone else’s standards.

She relies on cliches, because she likes them! They’re cliche for a reason. If her grammar isn’t perfect, it’s only because she was having too much fun to double-check it.

“You sure I can’t give it a read?” Zeke asks, scooting his chair closer as Tina’s eyes flit over her latest project.

Huxley got a creative writing club during their junior year, and she was the first to sign up. She’s still a little iffy about sharing her work with anyone outside of the group.

“I don’t know.” She says. “It’s not…good. At least not good in a traditional way.”

Zeke isn’t deterred.

“Well, Damn, T! Who likes tradition?”

That’s a perfect answer, which makes it harder for Tina to shake her head at him. They’re supposed to use the library for studying, and here Zeke is sticking his nose in her passion project.

“I don’t think so.” She says.

The public library is nicer than Tina ever realized growing up. The room they’re in is distinctly musky, but the smell is unique in an addicting way. Several times since they’ve gotten here, Tina has stopped to inhale it into her lungs.

“Ms. Cheadle called my writing ‘gory but in a grounded way’.” She continues, hoping that alone will be enough to drive away his interest.

She’s still into zombies, but the ones she writes have recently become a touch more violent. Still sexy, just bloody as well. Blame it on teenage hormones.

“I love me a little gore!” Zeke persists. “And I love everything you do, girl. I’ll be a great audience!”

Hearing him say love twice in such close proximity makes it even harder for Tina to deny him anything.

“I don’t know…” She says, trailing off to indicate that her walls are coming down.

“Please?” Zeke asks.

That sends her over the edge. What’s the worst that can happen? She’s seen the red marks on his own essays, so she doesn’t think there’s much chance that he’ll critique her work.

“Fine.” She obliges. “Just try to be nice, okay?”

Zeke whoops, causing Tina and a weary librarian to glare at him at the same time.

“That’s my bad, ladies!” He says, still too loud as he grabs hold of the manuscript. “I’m just excited!”

Reading Tina’s paper is what finally brings him to silence. Like magic, she can suddenly think of several writing choices she should’ve made differently. Zeke reads slowly, soaking in every word.

Is he at the part with the garden? Is he at the part with the swords? It’s almost unbearable to sit like this, waiting on her own execution. Unaware of her suffering, Zeke drinks in each line individually. When he’s finally finished, he announces as much by releasing a low whistle. Tina hopes that’s a good thing.

“Well?” She asks urgently.

The second Zeke looks up, she can tell he liked it. Any fears she had about him being any less than unbelievably nice about the whole thing disappear from her mind.

“What can I say?” He cries. “I love it! It’s the best damn thing about a zombie accountant that I’ve ever read, T.”

She grins, even though doing so makes her feel kind of arrogant for a second. No, not arrogant-just proud. Zeke isn’t complimentary in a just-to-be-polite way. If Tina didn’t know any better, she’d almost think that zombie erotica had always been his favorite genre.

When she goes in for a hug, he grunts in surprise. Most people don’t hug here, in this quiet space, but this is an exception. She rests her head on his shoulder. After years of writing that’s gone mostly unsung, his praise means more than he thinks.

“Oh, wow.” He says, rubbing a circle on her back. “You good, T-bird?”

She pulls back, releasing him from the hug. She leans in. She leans out. As small as it is, the gesture doesn’t go unnoticed. It’s too small and too much at the same time, and Tina averts her gaze from his. The air is sucked out of the room in a phenomenon so clear that she’s sure, if asked, the cranky librarian could describe the same feeling gripping at her chest.

“Uh…” Zeke fights to restore the ease they had before. “Is there anything you can’t do, Tina? This is amazing! Really.”

Following his lead, Tina doesn’t acknowledge her disastrous, failed kiss.

“I…thank you.” She stutters. “Thank you. I’m glad you liked it.”

Her words come out too formal, but Zeke doesn’t call her on it.

“You know, maybe I’ll give this another read!” He says. “Bet it’s even better the second time.”

Not trusting herself to say anything that makes sense, Tina nods. As supportive as Zeke clearly is, this second reading is nothing but a transparent attempt to avoid making eye contact.

“Go for it.” Tina says, when she regains the ability to speak English.

While he’s reading, she calculates various scenarios in her head. If she had kissed him, what would he have done?

That night, she leaves the library more inspired than ever—an abundance of love stories pouring onto her page.  

Up next, number five: 

Someone who’s your best friend

At this point, Tina is almost annoyed with her parents. Why’d they have to be such a good example? If they’d taught her about partnerships that were stale and unhappy, then maybe she wouldn’t be in this predicament right now. She wouldn’t be wracked with anxiety at the prospect of telling her best friend she likes him.

This final item on the list, she doesn’t even need to contemplate: Zeke is her best friend. Hands down, no questions asked.

Even though they haven’t been married for twenty-five years, Tina likes to think they at least have shades of the familiarity Mom and Dad do. As she starts to read the next portion of the journal, she finds damning evidence of her feelings.

The whole time she’s been reading, she’s been doodling little hearts in the margins.

Tina’s late night trip to the bathroom is interrupted by voices elsewhere in the apartment. It’s almost ten, so it’s really a wonder that her parents are still awake.

“Bobbyyyy.” She can hear mom whining. “What’s taking so long?”

If Tina’s perception of distance is right, then her voice is coming from the couch. Dad answers from the kitchen.

“Sorry. I was just looking at the ingredients in this bottle. Did you know this coconut moscato has actual coconut in it?”

Tina knows her mom well enough to hear the shrug in her voice.

“I dunno! I just grabbed the cheapest thing I saw on the shelf. Are you comin’ in here or what?”

Tina listens to Dad shuffle closer, the sound of his socks on the carpet naturally making her eyes a little heavier. This noise is as much a part of her nighttime routine as the sound of her brother tapping out lullabies on his keyboard, or the flick of her light switch after Mom kisses her goodnight.

“I’m here, Lin.” Dad says. “This stuff smells like candy. Are you sure it’s got alcohol in it?”

“Trust me, mister. You’ll feel it after one glass.”

The couch squeaks as Dad sinks into it, and Tina listens as they shift into more comfortable positions. Something compels her to stick her head around the corner, sneaking a peek even if it means she might be caught eavesdropping.

Mom is reclining across the length of the couch, her feet draped over Dad’s lap. His own feet are propped on the coffee table, suggesting that he’s more relaxed than he has been all day. Each of them is holding a glass of wine.

“Finally!” Mom says. “Am I crazy, or does it feel like I’ve hardly seen you all day?”

Dad hums, ostensibly noncommittal, but his head tilts. His mouth turns sideways in a slight, almost imperceptible smile. Tina is used to being looked at with fondness by her dad, but this charmed expression is reserved for her mom alone.

“Kind of.” He agrees. “Work was…not good.”

The mention of a shared memory pulls Tina back around the corner. She’d almost forgotten she was indeed visible and not some curious poltergeist with free reign of the apartment.

“Oh, I remember.” Mom jokes. “And don’t even get me started on the kids.”

The vague statement requires no elaboration, and it sends both of Tina’s parents into a fit of hushed snickering. She isn’t offended, both because she knows she isn’t one of the kids who was causing trouble, and because she’s too wrapped up in their laughter to care.

As much as she fantasizes about larger-than-life romance, Tina can dream about the smaller things, too. She’ll find someone one day who she can laugh with, who she’ll miss after long days. 

Or long nights. Her thoughts shift to Zeke, who’s been her first waking thought every day of senior year. She wants to see him as soon as her eyes open each morning, a collection of anecdotes to share instantly at the tip of her tongue.

“I have to tell you what Ginger told me today!” Mom exclaims. “It’s the freakiest story, Bob. You won’t believe it!”

“Oh, you mean what she was telling you while you were on the phone for twenty minutes? Not working?”

He’s miffed, but Tina also recognizes that he did nothing to stop her from chatting with Ginger for so long. And there’s an impatient edge to his voice, when he asks her to begin the story.

“Well….” Mom says conspiratorially. “You’ve met Ginger’s sister, right? The blonde? So, she’s been seeing this guy, okay? And he—“

“Wait.” Dad says. “I should just get the rest of the bottle now, right? Because—“

The two of them burst into another peel of laughter, and it occurs to Tina that they likely share a thousand private jokes she’s never heard before.

“Probably.” Mom agrees, without the sentence needing to be completed. “It’s a long story, so we might finish it off.”

Tina thinks about what her version of a Ginger story would be—what she would clamor to tell a boy as they sat down for a relaxing evening. Probably a re-telling of a book she was reading, or maybe a riveting dream about zombies from the night before. The kind of stuff she shares with Zeke, when they wander off at parties and end up sitting somewhere by themselves. 

“I’m glad you’re not conked out yet.” She hears Mom say, her voice growing a little quieter. “It’s sorta sad, when we don’t get a chance to talk all day. Or when the only things we talk about are restaurant stuff.”

“I know.” Dad agrees. “Now you get why I hate it, when I come to bed after a shower and you’re already asleep.”

It’s weird for Tina to think of them having pillow talk, secret conversations that she’ll never be privy to, but she loves the idea of continuing that pattern on her own one day. Like finding her soulmate is her destiny, just like Mom and Dad found theirs, and she’ll reach a certain age and have all of the small, connected routines that they have with someone.

“This again?” Her mom asks. “Just start drinking, Bobby. Trust me, you’ll be sick of my voice by the time this story’s over.”

Dad chuckles knowingly, in a way that somehow says I’m sure you’re right and I could never be sick of you at the same time. She doesn’t risk another glance, but Tina imagines her parents are intertwining fingers, gazing adoringly at each other, or both.

So that’s it, then. Zeke’s a total catch, even when he’s being held up against her holy grail of relationships. Tina guesses she shouldn’t be so surprised.

There’d always been a theory, lurking somewhere in the back of her thoughts, that good friends would make the greatest boyfriends.

No sooner has Zeke finished with his wrestling match than Tina feels his arms around her waist, lifting her up into a hug.

“Oh.” She says, a little blankly at first, taken off guard by the rush of affection.

He’s picked her up like this before, and she likes it, but she always has a little bit of trouble deciding how she’s supposed to react. He smells like an athlete-hard work and sweat- and she decides the feeling is something well worth adjusting to.

“There’s my girl!” He says.

There was a time when Tina would’ve looked over her shoulder, concerned about Jimmy Jr. seeing them, but there’s no need for that any more. Seventeen feels so old, so incredibly mature, that both of them have shirked the whole jealousy thing. Besides, Jimmy Jr’s now dating a boy who comes from a family of dancers, and Tina couldn’t compete with that even if she wanted to.

“You were great, Zeke.” She says, when her feet are back on the linoleum floor of the gym. 

When he grins, the only thing she knows to liken him to is a large, friendly dog.

“Aw. You think?”

He’s being humble, because he absolutely dominated for most of the match, and Tina’s stomach flips when she realizes how attractive she finds that. Maybe she’s growing out of the whole bad boy thing, and sweet, cheerful, Golden Retriever-esque boys are now her style.

“I do think.” She says. “When you…uh. Pinned that one guy? That was…good, I think. Sorry. I don’t think I totally understand wrestling yet.”

Zeke laughs at her naivety while still somehow giving the impression that he’s laughing with her.

“I getcha! Stuff can be confusin’.”

At the same time that she appreciates him for saying it, Tina recognizes that Zeke does not actually find anything about the subject confusing. He just doesn’t want her to feel stupid.

“You were really amazing, though.” She says. “The parts I understood were like…wow. He’s really good.”

Watching Zeke’s matches has become a welcome addition to her routine. They’re on Saturdays, sometimes in the Huxley gym and sometimes at other schools. On occasion, Gene and Louise tag along. Jimmy Jr. comes when he isn’t preoccupied with dance stuff, and he sits beside her and does what he can to explain the minutia of the sport.

“So…like….that’s why that one guy got disqualified.” He’ll say cluelessly.

“Didn’t you…also wrestle?” Tina will retort, the ghost of a smile playing on her lips. “For two years?”

“Just…hush, Tina.” He’ll shoot back, flustered. “Just watch Zeke.”

And she can laugh good-naturedly at him now, because she sees him as a person, a friend, instead of an idealized model of a boy.

Secretly, Tina’s favorite Saturdays are the ones where she and she alone comes out to support Zeke. Purely for selfish reasons, she knows. On these days he’s doubly grateful, and all of his attention is hers.

You always have Zeke’s attention. She hears her sister’s teasing voice in her head. Even when the cheerleaders are performing.

“Did you see me lookin’ over atcha?” Zeke asks, proving Louise’s imaginary point. “I wanted to wave, but I don’t think Coach Leslie is a big fan of that.”

Tina nods, wishing he would lift her into his arms again. She’s more prepared now, ready to immerse herself fully in the floaty, weightless feeling.

“I saw.” She says.

A guy from Zeke’s team, a burly guy with sandy-colored hair, gives him a shoulder squeeze from behind. Tina’s brain supplies an image of all the boys in the wrestling team getting into a fight over her. It’s a big, vicious brawl, and Zeke comes out on top.

“Hey, man.” His friend says, not even looking at her. “You coming to Sherman’s place? He’s got a big screen TV and stuff. And beer, I think.”

Tina looks at the ground, pretending she’s too wrapped up in her own thoughts to notice that she’s being left out. Not that she really expects to be included in some boys-only wrestling party, but an acknowledgment of her existence would go a long way. She braces herself for Zeke to agree, then offer her a flimsy apology for why he has to bail on their original plans.

“Nah, man.” He says instead. “I’m busy tonight. Sorry.”

Only then does the other boy look at Tina, his face confused. It’s like he’s searching for a second personality, concealed under her first one, that might explain why Zeke would rather spend time with her than with his other friends. She returns his stare, even though it makes her heart race, daring him to say something.

“You sure?” The boy asks, eyes still trained on Tina even as he addresses Zeke.

“Positive. You guys have fun, though! Be safe and all. Sure you’ll have some stories for me on Monday.”

His friend finally takes his cue to leave, shaking his head in apparent disbelief. Zeke rolls his eyes so quickly that Tina’s willing to entertain she may have imagined it.

“Sorry about him. You’d think he’d never seen a TV before! Anyway, you hungry yet? You’re still gonna let me buy you one of those milkshakes you like, right?

Distantly aware that she should be smiling, Tina can’t quite force the muscles in her mouth to contract. Not used to being prioritized like this, she can’t help the sick, guilty feeling that creeps into her throat as Zeke’s social opportunity walks away.

“You didn’t tell me about a party!” She blurts out, when he’s far enough away. “I’m not gonna be mad, if you want to go spend time with your friends. You should! They…they seem fun. A little mean, but…fun!”

She waits for his face to break into appreciative relief, but it doesn’t. Instead he cocks his head to one side, bewildered,

“What?” He asks. “You’re my friend, T!”

Tina blinks. She doesn’t know why the remark fails to register. Friends. They’re friends. That should be obvious, but hearing it solidified has her taken aback. Outside of her family, she’s used to feeling mostly like an afterthought. Is she really friend material?

“You’re my best friend, probably.” He continues. “Cept for J-ju, but he’s kinda got his own thing goin’ on lately. The dancin’ and all? Gives you and me more time together, T-bird!”

Tina finally finds her smile, which is still just a mostly flat line on her mouth. She and Zeke have been spending more and more time together as of late. They talk at every chance they get, even when they’re supposed to be paying attention in class. Outside of her siblings, he kind of is her best friend.

“That has been really nice.” She admits. “But that doesn’t mean I want you missing out on fun stuff just to be with me! We can get milkshakes any time, Zeke. Really.”

Her eyes follow the rude, broad-shouldered boy from before. They land where he stands now, both arms wrapped around a couple of their other teammates. Zeke just shakes his head.

“Honestly…” He says, “if spendin’ time with you is on the table, I don’t see why anybody’d pick somethin’ different. Maybe that’s just me.”

Panic crosses his face, like he’s said too much, but Tina couldn’t be more flattered. She’s suddenly starving for a milkshake. Banana, peanut butter, cookie dough, and peach—the options race through her mind, each sounding more delicious than the last. It’s the sort of hunger that accompanies relief. 

“I get what you mean.” She agrees. “Being around you is fun. And…easy.”

The following silence, where Zeke just smiles fondly, feels so significant that Tina is startled. She’s compelled to make a joke, anything to disrupt the shift in the atmosphere.

“And don’t worry,” She says with a nervous laugh, “I won’t tell Jimmy Jr. that I’m your favorite now.”

When Zeke laughs with her, whatever moment there was is sent soaring far out of their reach.

“Thanks, girl.” He says with a wink. “You’ve always got my back.”

Best friend. The words echo in Tina’s head, as he places a hand on her back to guide them out of the crowded gym. She loves the title so much that any contradictory thoughts, any more-than-friends feelings, are stamped down immediately by her brain.

When Tina finally looks up from her diary, it’s dark outside. When had that happened? It seems strange that the rest of the world had kept on moving, while she was frozen in her seat.

“Is he a freaking psychic or something?” She whispers.

Zeke couldn’t have thrown her even one curveball? He really had to pass her test with flying colors? There’s no room for doubt now: this isn’t just one of her flights of fancy. Zeke has the kind of potential that exists outside of her head.

Slowly, her hand burning with a cramp from flipping pages, Tina shuts her diary. The fearful part of her had almost wanted him to fail. If he did, she’d have an excuse to force her feelings down until the end of time. Of all things, it’s a text from Zeke that brings her back to Earth.

think I’m hittin the hay soon. sweet dreams t!

If ever there was a sign from the universe, then this was it. How serendipitous that Zeke should text her now, when she’s agonizing over telling him how she feels. Before she can talk herself out of it, she texts back.

Wait

Don’t sleep

It’s not until he texts again that she considers how ominous she sounds.

?

u okay?

Knowing he’ll worry, she responds quickly:

Sorry yes

Meet me outside the library?

She doesn’t specify which branch, knowing they’ll have the same one in mind. The one they were at, when Zeke made her feel like a real writer. Where they almost kissed.

ur crazy

be there in ten

Tina bolts from her bedroom, a girl on a mission, and she doesn’t remember the convenient ladder in her room until she’s skidding right into her Mom. Of all the nights for her parents not to pass out at ten, they had to choose this one.

“Woah!” Mom says. “Where do you think you’re goin’, miss missy?  It’s practically midnight!”

This is an obstacle Tina hadn’t predicted. She needs to find a way to elucidate the urgency of her situation.

“Oh!” She says. “Mom, hi! Hi Dad. I’m…uh…”

Mom and Dad exchange raised eyebrows, and she decides that honesty is the best policy.

“I need to go see Zeke.” She says, hoping they’ll hear the severity in her tone and understand.

“Right now?” Dad asks doubtfully. “Tina, what you need to be doing is sleeping. Because you have to go to school tomorrow, and…we’re responsible parents.”

Tina sighs, struggling to keep her mounting agitation at bay.

“I don’t want to pull the whole “I’ll be eighteen in two weeks” card, but…”

Thirteen days, actually, and then this entire conversation would be pointless. Her parents look at each other. They both shrug. Mom looks back at her.

“Zeke, huh?” She asks knowingly. “If it’s okay with your father…”

Tina looks pleadingly at Dad, who sighs.

“Fine.” He says. “Take the car, please. It’s way too late to be walking. Be home…soon-ish. Don’t do anything stupid.”

Her parents are still putting up a front of reluctance, but Tina knows they’re secretly happy for her. She beams, already grabbing for the keys to the family car.

“Great!” She says. “Wish me luck.”

She pauses, then adds:

“And if it doesn’t work out, it’s kind of you guys’ fault. Haha!”

She wants her laugh to sound casual, but it comes out panicked and awkward.

“Nevermind.” She says quickly. “I’ll explain later. Thanks for the car, love you!”

She’s out of the room before her parents can ask any further questions, leaving them to send each other wary glances. Maybe one day she’ll understand what they’re feeling, and she and Zeke will be the ones staying up late to whisper about their teenage daughter.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. She admonishes.

Even as she avoids getting her hopes up, Tina can feel them building. This is different. This is not like other times, when she imagined her way into a broken heart. There are no signals here that she’s been misreading, and the only reason this didn’t happen sooner is because she wasn’t ready. Not because she’s been chasing someone who doesn’t want her.

The drive to the library is painful. Too slow, tortuously so, and then too fast. She isn’t ready. She should’ve had Zeke meet her elsewhere, somewhere hours away, where she could use the long drive to prepare for this weighty conversation.

“I was beginnin’ to think you’d bailed on me!” He says as she pulls up to the steps of the building, rolling down her window to announce her presence.

“Not really.” He clarifies, watching her step out of the car. “What’s on your mind girl? Just needed some fresh air?”

They’re outside, but Tina does feel as though she needs fresh air. She’s almost lightheaded.

“I wanted to see you.” She says. “I don’t think I could’ve waited for morning.”

She wishes she could just kiss him now.

“Me?” He asks. “Damn! I must be the luckiest guy in town then.”

Tina isn’t ready to talk yet, offering only a nervous swallow, so Zeke continues to fill the silence on his own.

“Woo!” He says, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s gettin’ a little cold out here!  Might have to put my boys in a hot bath after this.”

Tina just steps forward, enveloping him in a hug. Where this once felt so foreign, it’s now as natural as anything. She hopes it’ll give her some of the bravery she needs right now.

“Oh.” Zeke says. “Did ya bring me all the way out here just for a hug? Not that I mind! Feels nice.”

Tina just buries her face in his chest. Some of the anxiety from before is back, keeping the words stuck in her throat. If she can make this hug last as long as possible, she’ll never have to risk the best friendship she’s ever had. She can just stay in this moment forever, clutching at Zeke’s shirt like it’s a flotation device.

“…Tina?” He asks.

Her real name, not some goofy nickname, meaning he’s worried about her. She steels herself, pulls out of the hug, then says the most inane thing possible.

“Prom is coming up.”

Possibly the most unnecessary announcement ever made. They’re high school seniors. Prom is all anyone talks about. Tina’s grateful she didn’t fall for someone more judgmental, someone who would make fun of her for what she’s just said.

“Sure is!” Zeke says, surveying her the same way he might a child who was talking nonsense. “You excited?”

Tina overthinks. She has a bad habit of getting so caught up in her thoughts that she forgets to speak. When she does this now, Zeke just gives her his most patient smile.

“Uh…prom!” She repeats. “For couples. Pretty dresses, and…punch, I think. That part might just be a movie thing. I’m not sure.”

Zeke actually covers her forehead with his hand.

“You feelin’ okay?”

Tina wants to run but decides it might be better just to rip the bandaid off.

“Ithinkweshouldgotopromtogether.” She says, the words one breathless clump.

Taking in a soothing rush of air, she tries again.

“You’re a really good friend.” She says seriously, almost somber. “My best friend, actually. And…you believe in me, and—“

She shakes her head, flustered.

“There’s other stuff, too.” She says. “I can’t remember them right now, but—“

“You’re my best friend!” Zeke cuts her off, before she can work herself up further. “What’s that gotta do with prom?”

The question answers itself. His lips part in awe at the realization, and the spark of delight behind his eyes is what convinces Tina to speak.

More so than it ever has with a boy, her heart feels safe. Zeke cares about her. She knows he does. There’s nothing inside of him that wants to hurt her.

“I…I like you.” She says, surprised by how passionate she sounds. “A lot. I’m sorry I never said it before, but…I wanted to be sure.”

Zeke, for his part, looks like he’s just received a million dollar prize.

“Well, hell!” He grins. “You know I like you! I’m crazy about you, T. Everyone knows that!”

Tina is no longer nervous. If he’s right, that means that Zeke’s feelings for her have been obvious enough to create attention. That kind of love, the kind people take notice of, is something Tina wasn’t sure she’d ever have.

“I thought maybe you were.” She says, sheepish. “Why haven’t you said anything?”

Zeke is not embarrassed. Not at all. If he keeps grinning the way he is, Tina thinks his face will start to hurt.

“I thought you needed a little extra time to figure things out.” He admits. “‘Sides, I love bein’ your friend! I would’ve been happy, even if nothin’ changed.”

In an oxymoronic way, it’s the most romantic thing Tina’s ever heard. It’s her he likes—not the status symbol of a girlfriend. His hands find her waist, and she can’t believe how familiar it feels. Like this was how it was always supposed to be.

“This is better though, right?” She asks. “The more-than-friends part?”

Zeke’s face must be sore by now.

“Much better, T.” He agrees. “I think this feels perfect.”

They kiss then, right outside the library, and Tina likes him so much. For all the expectations he’s fulfilled, and all the new ones he’s brought to the table.

The things he’s given her that she never even knew she wanted.