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"I can choose who I want to send a message to?" Yuta asks.
No one answers, but he knows staff is listening.
"Mark." It's an easy decision. "I choose Mark."
No speakers crackle, meaning his choice is accepted. If it had been otherwise, the producers would have made themselves very clear.
To Us.
Yuta remembers they did something like this back in 2020, during Punch-era. Each member recorded a message to express their honest feelings to another member. Somehow, it became far more personal (and emotional) than any of them had expected.
The experience was precious, but also... difficult, at least for Yuta.
"I'm supposed to use this camera in the center, yeah? Do I just press record?"
No one answers.
Yuta tries to make himself comfortable on the wooden stool. It wobbles when he crosses his leg over his knee, but old habits die hard. He stares the camcorder down, watching the red light flicker on and off.
Recording.
"...Hi Mark."
He clears his throat. Filming this part was difficult in 2020, and it's still difficult now.
"Are you surprised I chose you?" He smiles. "Probably not. I hope not."
He imagines Mark's smile. At least, he hopes it'll make Mark smile.
"You do know why I chose you. Don't you?" Yuta leans backwards, feigning confidence. "You love me a lot, lately. You've wanted my attention a lot, this past year. Isn't that right? So..." He trails off aimlessly, confidence fading.
He hopes Mark won't be disappointed when he realizes his special message is not from Johnny, or Haechan, or someone cool like Jaehyun, but from Yuta. Yuta, who can hardly string words together, much less inspire him.
"Ahh... I... don't know what to say." Yuta fiddles with his hair, filling the silence with a nervous chuckle.
Ironically, although Yuta indulges in over-the-top declarations of love on a semi-regular basis, he tends to be a lot more reserved when it comes to his honest feelings.
After all, it's one thing to be obnoxiously cheesy on camera: dramatic flirting, weird love letters, all those things can be dismissed as jokes. But real, genuine emotions? Suddenly there are no jokes to hide behind: only vulnerabilities.
(And possibly rejection.)
"I feel shy," Yuta admits meekly, cheeks feeling warm. "You always tell me that I'm good at explaining my thoughts, but... right now, I can't think of anything worth saying."
Even after all their time spent together (and despite all of Mark's reassurances), Yuta still feels insecure. He always has. When did that start?
"We've known each other for a long time. How long has it been now?" Yuta twists in his seat to scan all the pictures displayed behind him, all their memories together. "Hmm… When did we join the company?" Yuta asks the wall of photos. "We both joined only a few weeks apart... Was it in 2013?"
Yuta pauses, blinks as he does the math. "Has it really been 10 years?"
He steps back and reevaluates the entire array of photographs, piecing together a journey of 10 years in the making.
Like magnets, his eyes instantly land on a photo of Mark. It's an old photo from their rookie days, back when Mark's baby cheeks were so round and cute and pokable. It feels like forever ago, yet it also feels like just yesterday.
Yuta remembers how Mark always sported a backwards baseball cap wherever they went, because (according to Mark's uncited sources) wearing it backwards was more 'swaggy'.
Yuta can't count how many times he flipped that cap off the kid's head, using his height to his pragmatic advantage by holding it up high where Mark couldn't reach.
That prank won't work anymore, though. Now Mark stands just as tall as Yuta does, face-to-face and eye-to-eye. Mark isn't a little kid anymore. Now they're on equal ground. When did that happen?
"We've spent ten years together..." The realization sinks in slowly. "Wow."
He doesn't know how to express the absurdity of what he's feeling; so instead, he resorts to humor.
"Isn't that half your lifetime?" he jokes.
Nobody laughs.
"Ahhh..." Yuta brushes his fingers through his hair, bitterly smiling through the frustration. "Sorry. I'm not good at talking about things like this. Maybe I should have prepared something before I started."
It's as if everyone but Yuta can understand the gravity of this moment. Everyone else seems to have the right words on the tip of their tongue, while Yuta is tongue-tied.
Yuta peeks up at the camera through his ruffled bangs. "We don't get this type of opportunity often, so I feel like I should use it to say things that I don't normally say."
But what can he say that hasn't already been said?
"You already know how I feel, yeah? So it would just be redundant if I repeat myself." In truth, he doubts Mark would actually mind; Yuta is the one who minds. "I won't do that, then," he mumbles, fiddling with his pockets instead of facing the camera.
He doesn't like taking ownership of his feelings, especially in a serious context like this. Especially when the cameras are rolling.
Yuta takes a deep breath, painfully aware of the ticking time.
"Mark," he finally says. We've been together for a long time, so we know each other well now."
(At least, Yuta would like to think they do.)
"Normally when you become close with a person, you begin to see other sides of them," Yuta muses. "And eventually, you're bound to meet a side that you don't like as much, that's normal. But..."
Yuta looks up at the camera. "It's strange. No matter how many sides I see of you, I don't dislike any of them. I don't think I can say that about anyone else."
He pauses, then smiles. "Even your angry face... I don't dislike it. You look cute when you're angry." He chuckles, imagining Mark's pout. "Sorry."
His voice fades back to silence.
Yuta doesn't know how much longer he's allowed to film. It feels like there are still so many words unsaid.
Yuta closes his eyes and tries to interpret his own feelings. What does he appreciate about Mark? Many, many things... but how does he put it all into words? Where does he even begin to convey all the layers of his affections?
It feels impossible to condense ten years of appreciation into one short monologue.
Yuta stares at the camera, silently mustering the courage.
"Mark," he says. "You have a really special energy." He fidgets with his ring, but doesn't break eye contact with the camera lens. "There are some days when we work especially hard, and everyone becomes tired and miserable. But even on days like that, all you have to do is smile, and suddenly everyone — the members, the staff... and even me..." He whispers that last part self-consciously.
Still, despite the blush on his face, he forces himself to keep looking at the camera. "When you smile, we feel like we can work a little harder."
He sits with that feeling. He feels a little embarrassed but also surprised by how much he means those words.
"I can tell when you're tired, you know. Maybe the others can't, but I know you well." He crosses his arms, feeling a bit cocky. "You always act cheerful, but I can see right through you."
For some reason it's really important for him to emphasize this. This is Yuta's way of showing that he pays attention, and that he understands Mark's mind better than anyone. (Probably.)
"Mark. You work hard, but you try your best not to show everyone how exhausted you are. I admire you a lot for that. I want to become a person that's more positive like you." He quietly adds, "You give us strength."
You give me strength.
"I... I wish I could also give you strength in return." Yuta's face falls. He stares down at his lap. "But, I know sometimes I can be too irritable or hot-headed or jealous..."
He contemplates this. "I'm sorry for not being the responsible and cool hyung that I should be for you. You're supposed to look up to me, but... I feel like I'm not a good role model at all."
He feels really self-conscious now. Vulnerable. Insecure. This is stuff he tries not to think about, because it always makes him miserable. Mark brings him so much joy, but Yuta probably can't even return half of it.
Every time he throws his arms around Mark's shoulders, a small part of Yuta always braces for Mark to push him away. Just in case.
…
Part of Yuta wants to turn the camera off now. He feels too vulnerable. It wasn't supposed to become like this. This video was supposed to be about Mark, but instead Yuta is making it all about himself, as usual.
Yuta clears his throat. "Anyway. Forget about that. I shouldn't talk about these things."
He closes his eyes. It's easier to think when the camera isn't threatening him.
"Mark Lee. I genuinely think that there's nobody else like you in the world." He feels shy admitting this. Yuta rarely takes ownership of his feelings like this. But this is for Mark; Mark is worth the discomfort.
"You are really unique, and you are so special. We've met thousands and thousands of people all over the world, but I still haven't met anyone like you. I... I've never felt so sure about this for anyone else."
Is that too much to say?
"Thank you for being here. Thank you for being my little brother, my loyal teammate, my best friend, and, uh..." Yuta ducks his head. "...And... everything else," he adds, trying and failing to suppress a smile. "You know what I mean."
He glances at one of the staff's cameras, hidden at another angle. He wonders if they'll edit this part out?
"Mark. I know how much you like me." He smiles, feeling both smitten and embarrassed. "I'm right, aren't I? Maybe you don't even know, but I said it before: I see right through you."
He could be wrong. Maybe this is all just wishful thinking. How embarrassing would that be? Rejection is terrifying, so he pretends to be overconfident, as if maybe it'll convince Mark to feel the same.
"We've had a lot of long talks together, you and I, especially this past year. Do you remember the talk we had last week?" He stares at the camera. "I wasn't joking about what I said."
He imagines Mark's face on the other side of the lens. "I lie a lot, but I wasn't lying that time. You know that, right?"
If he didn't before, he certainly does now.
What will Mark say to that?
"Alright." Yuta clears his throat, trying to act nonchalant now so the camera won't catch how nervous he feels. "I talked a lot already. I should probably save some film for the other members."
He stands and reaches for the camera. But before he presses the stop button, Yuta pauses.
"Hey, Mark. One last thing." He leans down so the lens can see the serious light in his face.
"Whenever you worry that you haven't achieved your goals, or that you're not enough — remember that you are Mark Lee. That on its own is an accomplishment."
He offers one last encouraging smile.
Recording has stopped.