Chapter Text
You woke up with a big yawn and an hopeful disposition today, your 17th birthday. You wanted to say it was because another year had passed, or because you knew people would be giving you gifts and attention and all sorts of good food today, but if you were being honest with yourself, you knew it was because you got to see Neteyam again.
Neteyam was a great gift giver. He paid attention, and he listened and he cared, so every year, his present was always your favourite. Ever since around your tenth birthday, when he first gifted you an identical bracelet to his, he always managed to surprise you with a perfect gift that made your heart skip a beat - or several. You haven’t seen him since that day, in the clearing, when you sang him that song, and hoped he knew what it meant. You didn’t get to confess the way you wanted to, you cowered at the last minute, but you hoped your birthday courage would allow you to finally tell him the feelings that have plagued you for probably years now.
You were scared. You knew deep down you probably shouldn’t even do it - I mean what was the point? It’s not like you could ever be together anyway, not like he would sacrifice his title and his future mate, the future Tsahik of the Omatikaya for you, a human girl. He couldn’t, you wouldn’t allow him to, so why were you even confessing? At the least it would make everything awkward and at the most it would ruin the best thing that has ever existed in your life. You couldn’t even decide what would be worst - him not reciprocating or him reciprocating? Cause either way it’s hell inbound, and you had enough of that in your life.
Despite everything, though, every nagging thought telling you not to, you wanted to, needed to finally tell him. You would deal with the consequences as they come, but you couldn’t be a coward any longer. If you had to act like you didn’t have a heart attack every time he got close to you, every time he touched you, every time he looked at you in that way, the way that was reserved only for you, you would go crazy forever.
You were happy to see Kiri and Lo’ak, coming by, as they always did, with a big basket of fresh fruit and food, your birthday feast, and staying with you for the day, as they always did. When you were younger, much younger, you used to celebrate in the village, with Jake and Neytiri, but those days are long gone. Later in life, you celebrated in the forest, climbing and hiking, wild and free, but those days were long gone too. Nevertheless, no matter how much you have changed, the care they had for you never diminished, and neither did their desire to celebrate you in whatever form you felt you were able to withstand.
The oldest Sully’s presence did not go remiss in your mind, every moment without him accelerating your worries that something was wrong.
“Hey… where’s Neteyam?”
You saw the siblings exchange a quiet, strange look. Neither of them looked at you as Kiri talked.
“He’s with the hunting party today, he couldn’t get out of it.”
“Today?”
“Yes…”
“But he never has anything going on on my birthday, Jake always makes sure of it.”
“I don’t think it was fully up to dad, Angel… I’m sure he’ll be back later.”
You saw Kiri flash a look of anger towards her brother, and your heart sank a little at the interaction. This was weird, but you thought maybe he was preparing a present for you that would take extra time. It has happened before, but it was always worth it in the end.
The hours passed, and you mostly finished the basket full of food between the three of you, splayed careless on some blankets you brought in the hub as a big projector was playing some of your favourite films. Your mood soured a little throughout the day, regardless how many sweet fruits you have injested, regardless of the calmness of your surroundings and the friendly faces who were attentively watching the latest picture playing on the screen.
As it finished, the two siblings got up, and Lo’ak awkwardly scratched the hair on the side of his head.
“Angel, we have to go, it’s past curfew and we’re -“
“-going to get in trouble with Jake, I know.” You sighed deeply, walking with them to the entrance.
“Thank you for hanging out with me, guys. I had a good time. Thank Neytiri, Jake and Mo’at for the food, and thank you for the gifts, I already love my new bracelet!” You said, twisting your wrist so the beads on the beautiful thread sang when pushed together.
“You’re very welcome. Happy birthday, again, and we’ll see you in a couple of days.”
You didn’t know if you should push it, and, as they were almost out the door, you found your voice again.
“Hey… if you see Neteyam, tell him I’m still waiting. I’ll probably run some experiments, so I’ll be up for a while… in case he still wants to come.”
You didn’t want to see their expressions, too scared to read something that will hurt you on their faces, so you just shut the door and left.
You paced around the labs and hallways and your room for the rest of the night, terrified as you were that you were going to miss Neteyam’s soft knock. He always thought of everything, was always too scared to wake anyone up, or to let anyone know he was sneaking way past curfew to stay with you for the night, before he always had to sneak off again prior to his family getting up and figuring out he was gone. You didn’t want him to be outside, in the cold and dark, with apex predators lurking at every corner, waiting for an opportunity to feast on a particularly good-looking blue boy.
It was dawn when you made it back to your room, feeling emptiness envelop your being, like your soul had been washed out and taken to the cleaners. You sat in your bed, back against the headboard, and thought about the last month. You haven’t seen Neteyam in all that time, ever since that day in the clearing. He had a weird look about him after you sang him the song, but you thought that was just him processing what you were trying to say to him, you thought it was him scared, as you were, about the prospect of more, about the possibility of everything changing between you. You thought he felt the same way, you felt like you were both on the same page - it felt to you that you had both fallen for each other in time, your love blossoming from the friendship that you have always shared into more, much more. Now you realised it wasn’t that which gave him that look. It was most likely the opposite. He knew what you were saying, and didn’t feel the same way.
You haven’t seen Neteyam in all this time. You thought he was training, but he wasn’t. He just didn’t want to see you. He didn’t want to see you anymore.
The way your heart shattered at the thought took your breath out of you, like you got punched in the gut. You didn’t know what to do with this pain, that was so feral and so severe, you genuinely felt like you were going to die. You lay in your bed, gasping for air, grasping at your chest, trying to will your heart to slow down, to piece itself back together, but to no avail. Neteyam was gone. Neteyam left you, without even saying goodbye. Neteyam watched you confess, and decided he wanted nothing else to do with you anymore. You lost him, like you lost your mum and your dad, lost him after 17 years, and you were alone again.
You were alone again.
Neteyam felt throbbing in his head as he woke up that morning, that continued the whole entire day. He took the day off today, knowing he would be unable to focus on anything, knowing that today, you would definitely realise what he has done. It was your birthday, one of his favourite days in the world. It was a day to celebrate you, the light in his life, his Atan, of course he loved it. And now he had to live with knowing his present would be his absence, and that he would have to live with the consequences of ruining this day for you, and the consequences of breaking your heart. His has been long broken, since the second he walked out of that clearing knowing he would never return. After eclipse, he saw his siblings returning with an empty basket, and his heart hurt at the still open and unhealed wounds.
“Brother, are you sure about this?”
He sighed, not being able to look at his baby sister.
“Yes, sister, I am sure.”
“She asked for you.” Lo’ak said. “Multiple times.”
“She said she’ll still be waiting, in case you decide to drop by later.”
“For what is worth, I think this whole thing is stupid. We’re her only family, and now you’re gonna take another person away from her, bro?”
Neteyam winced at his brother’s words, that cut him like a dull knife, painful and rusted, that will never heal, but fester and linger, forever.
“I’m going for a walk.”
“Brother, it’s past curfew.”
“I don’t care, tell mother and father I’m taking Seze out.”
He left in a hurry, unable and unwilling to register the muffled words spoken to him in a blur. He found his ikran immediately and took flight, knowing exactly where he had to go. He made it to the lab in no time, knowing the ride like the back of his hand by now.
He quickly hurried towards the door, thinking he will abandon this whole endeavour and beg for your forgiveness. It would take a while, but you always forgave him. And he could finally tell you that he loved you, that he has been in love with you for so long he’s lost track, and he could kiss you, the way he’s wanted to for so long, and everything else you can just figure out as you go along.
But then, every step he took was a memory he would never be able to ever erase from his mind, every step a recollection of times he’s been here because you were hurt or pained or near death, all because of him. He swore he could still see your dried blood on the stairs leading up to your door from where you were 13 and you fell down his ikran. He could see your limp form in his arms when you collapsed after you found your dad. His hand reached as far as a couple inches from the door before he stopped, and with shard of glass protruding in his already broken heart and tear drops staining his cheeks, he dropped his hand and left. He didn’t go far, though, circling around the big enclosure until he found the window he knew was looking into your room and just sat there, collapsing on the floor with his back against the cold metal, listening to the sound of music coming out of your recorder.
And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends
I'd never walk Cornelia Street again
That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend
I'd never walk Cornelia Street again
He stayed there, on the cold hard ground, listening to the music playing until dawn, until his heart was empty, until his soul was spent. Until he knew he lost you - forever.