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Soap collapses back against the pillow and tries to remember how to breathe. His body is actually trembling in places, especially his arms handcuffed to the bedpost. His fingers curl and uncurl as he comes down from the high, anchored by the solid weight of Ghost’s hand resting on his chest.
“How was that?”
“I don’t think I can feel my legs, LT.” Soap chuckles, dragging in a deep breath and focusing on Ghost as the other man lays on the bed beside him, hand still on the younger man’s chest. “That was…yeah…”
Unmasked, Ghost returns the smile, leaning forward and kissing him deeply for what feels like hours before sitting up and undoing the handcuffs.
“You were perfect, Johnny.” Ghost checks the wrists for bruises, before lowering each hand in turn to rest on the mattress. “Stay there. I need to clean you up.”
Soap nods, moving the last thing on his mind as he closes his eyes, turning his head to the side and breathing in the scents of Ghost’s bed. It smells of them right now. The time together that they’ve just shared.
“Just remembered.” He says as Ghost comes back into the room. “There’s something I wanted to ask you.”
“If it was an orgasm that jogged your memory, then I’m not sure I want to hear it.”
Soap laughs, eyes going from Ghost to the ceiling as the older man begins cleaning him.
“What’s on your mind, Johnny?”
“We have each other, right Simon?”
“Always and forever.” Ghost says, still concentrating on his aftercare routine.
“And Alejandro and Rudy have each other. And Price has Laswell and Mrs Laswell.”
“Her name’s Sarah.”
“Yeah yeah but…” He sits up slightly, propped by his elbows. “Who does Gaz have?”
Ghost eyes narrow as he sits down next to Soap, pulling a blanket up over his naked body. “You want to talk about Gaz’s love life? Right now?”
“I’m just worried about him.”
“Why?”
“We made…” Soap trails off, looking around the room for a moment and then spotting his target, his discarded trousers on the floor beside the bed. He reaches down with his foot, hooking around a fold and pulling the clothing up to where he can grab it, looking through the pockets and pulling out a piece of paper.
“What’s this?” Ghost says as he takes the offered note. It’s a grid. Three columns. R. A. G.
“Four of us got wasted in that club near the base. Made lists and shared them.” Soap chuckles. “You should have seen Alejandro’s.” He lets out a long whistle.
“And this is Gaz?” Ghost says slowly as he reads down the lists. “Kinky bastard.”
“Who knew, huh?” Soap sits forward. “But he doesn’t have anyone in the team. No one on the base or off that I know of. Which leaves him with a pretty twisted section in the Yellow Pages. Sort of a section that risks leaving you bleeding and sub dropping alone in a back alley while it’s pishin doon.”
“That’s a big assumption.” Ghost looks up to find Soap staring straight into his eyes, and sighs. “I think I see where this is going.”
“He’d be safe with us .” The younger man says, sincerely. “We can give him nights, do some things from the green column, gently explore the amber stuff if he’s feeling brave.”
Ghost blinks, and looks back down at the list.
“I don’t like the thought of him doing that with a stranger.” Soap says. “Someone that doesn’t know how to read Gaz might go too far. I want to know he’s going to be looked after.” He leans against Ghost’s chest. “Like you look after me.”
Ghost folds up the paper, before nodding slowly. “Session 0 first. I’m not going into a shopping list like this without a chat.”
“And that’s why I love the Ghost.” Soap says, kissing him.
They invite Gaz for a drink, hoping that the familiarity of their favourite booth at the base bar will keep the atmosphere comfortable.
Soap buys the first round, swiping his debit card over the reader and then putting it between his teeth while he carries the tray over.
“Just us three?” Gaz asks as he takes his pint.
“Yeah.” Soap can’t help the excited grin as he sits down, putting the card away. “Actually, Ghost and me have something to ask you.”
“Soap has something to ask you.” Ghost corrects, earning an eye roll from the scotsman.
Gaz looks nervous. “Am I going to need a solicitor, guys?”
Ghost huffs, his smile hidden by the mask, his eyes reading Gaz’s face as Soap pulls out a notebook and pen, opening it to the first page and taking out the piece of paper folded up within it.
“Now, you were pissed out of your mind, so you might not remember writing this.”
“I do.” Gaz swallows, his lips a thin line as he picks up the note, reading through the grid as if reading it for the first time and not as its author. His eyes widen in places. “I…um…why have you brought this?”
“Do you want to do some of this stuff? With us?”
“Or with just one of us.” Ghost interjects.
“Choose the Ghost.” Soap whispers, while winking.
Gaz takes a very large gulp of his drink. “That’s probably not a good idea, Soap.”
“Why?” Soap does seem to be genuinely upset even through the smile. “We won’t judge. Should see some of the kinky shit me and Ghost get up to.” He leans in to whisper. “While he’s wearing the mask.”
Ghost grabs the notebook. “No means no. And we’d respect that. But the worry is you’ve not got an outlet for these urges, Kyle.”
“Won’t affect me in missions.”
“Not worried about your abilities as a soldier.” Ghost stresses. “You prove those every day. But you as a person , I’m worried about that right now. Don’t want desperation or even just fucking curiosity making you reckless. Making you place yourself in a dangerous situation.”
“That won’t happen, Sir.”
“Okay.” Soap takes a sip of his drink. “So hypothetically …”
“Fucking hell.” Ghost curses under his breath.
“...say we were to do some of your list tonight. What would you want to do first?” He points at the list. “That one sounds fun.”
“Yeah.” Gaz takes another large gulp of his beer. “That might work.”
Ghost narrows his eyes.
“We’ll probably need props for that one.” Soap points again, while smiling, completely comfortable and calm, as if they are discussing what to sell in a car boot sale.
“Yeah?” Gaz is clearly the opposite, only just below trembling with nerves. “I mean…yeah.”
"B&Q trip it is."
“Soap.” Ghost leans forward. “Gaz has nearly finished his first drink. Buy him another.”
“I bought the first round?”
“This was your idea.”
He can see the second that the penny drops for Soap, the scotsman nodding and standing, patting Ghost’s shoulder as he walks by. “Need to visit the John anyway.”
Now alone at the table, Ghost turns back to Gaz. “Soap’s enthusiastic, but he won’t force you if the answer is no.”
“It’s not that, Sir.” Gaz says after a moment, eyes fixed on the table. “I trust Soap, and you.”
“But you don’t want to do this sort of stuff with us.”
“Not really, no.”
“Understand. It’s hard, being vulnerable around people who you respect. You want us to respect you back, and we do, Gaz. That’s why Soap wants you to do this. He wants to give you a safe space to explore.”
Gaz swallows, hands intertwining and fingers fidgeting nervously. “It’s not real, Sir.”
“Simon. Or Ghost. Not Sir.” He leans forward. “And what’s not real, Kyle?”
“I faked the list.” Gaz shakes his head. “I made it all up.”
Ghost gives him a knowing look. “Why?”
Gaz looks up, then breaks eye contact almost immediately, staring into his drink as if all his answers will form in the liquid. “I saw what the others were putting on theirs and…I didn’t want to be laughed at, Sir.”
“Simon. Or Ghost. Not Sir.” Ghost reaches round, hand resting gently on the back of Gaz’s neck and giving it a gentle squeeze. “So you actually prefer more vanilla stuff.”
“ Very vanilla, Sir...Ghost.”
Ghost nods. “Soap’s going to need a cold shower tonight then.”
Gaz chuckles, but it’s a nervous sound. “I’m sorry.”
“For letting insecurities get the better of you?” Ghost indicates his mask. “You’re talking to me, Kyle.”
Gaz gives him a small smile, and looks back down at the table.
Lifting the mask slightly, Ghost sips his drink. “I like to think I know Rodolfo well enough to guess his green list.” Cupping the back of the younger man’s neck seems to be having a calming effect, so Ghost goes back to doing that. “Guy probably likes flowers by the bed and bringing his partner coffee in the morning.”
“He did put some sweet stuff, Sir.” Gaz chuckles.
“And did the others laugh?”
“Alejandro called him an ‘ama de casa’, but no. It wasn’t cruel. Rudy was laughing too.”
“But you thought they’d make fun of you being vanilla?”
“Or tell me I’m broken?” Gaz seems to realise what he is saying too late, and he squeezes his eyes shut.
“Why do you think you’re broken, Kyle?” Ghost gives his neck another gentle squeeze. It coincides with Soap returning to the table with a new drink for Gaz and some peanuts.
“Okay, he’s looking peaky…did you propose or something, LT?”
“Gaz is going to make a new list, Soap.”
Gaz’s eyeline flies from the table to Ghost’s face.
“Okay.” Soap nods, ever the master of adapting to new situations even when information is short. He sits down and picks up the pen, drawing three columns on the notebook page and labelling them. R. A. G. “Who wants the pen?”
Ghost indicates Gaz with a sideways nod. “Put three things in the red column. And be honest this time, Kyle.”
Gaz’s teeth worry his bottom lip as he looks from Ghost to Soap, flinches, and then looks down at the grid.
Ghost points at the grid. “If something is wrong with you then Soap and me can help, but not if we’re blind.”
Soap widens his eyes slightly, but says nothing. Just sits back and sips his drink.
Gaz hovers the pen over the R column.
“Three things, Kyle.” Ghost repeats. “Don’t think about it too much, just first thing that comes to you.”
The pen lowers to the paper.
Hand/blow jobs
He pauses, clearly waiting for Ghost and Soap’s reaction. What he gets back is a calm nod from both.
“No problems so far.” Ghost encourages. “Second thing.”
Fingering
“Ah.” Ghost says. “Soap’s favourite.”
“Go fuck yourself.” The Scotsman laughs.
“I’m in a public place, Johnny.” Ghost’s hand moves from Gaz’s neck to his back and rubs a circle there. “Okay, third thing?”
Gaz takes a breath, looking at Ghost with pleading eyes.
“One more thing, Kyle. Or draw a line if there isn’t anything.”
The younger man closes his eyes, which makes the handwriting shaky as he writes.
Sex
He drops the pen, eyes still closed as he sits back in the chair and crosses his arms defensively.
But no laughter comes. None of the ridicule he is clearly expecting because who puts Sex in the hard no column?
Instead, Soap is taking another sip of the drink.
Instead, Ghost is patting his back. “Now, what am I putting in the amber column, Gaz? Just one thing for now.”
Gaz’s eyes remain closed. “Nudity, Sir.”
Ghost nods, and writes.
Nudity
Soap is quiet, his face calm as he reaches out to place a hand against Gaz’s arm. “Open your eyes, Gaz. It’s alright.”
Gaz does so, eyes fixed on the pen as Ghost holds it out.
“And now put three things in green.” Ghost’s voice is level, his hand still rubbing a circle on the sergeant's back. “Do you want to tell me what to write, or write yourself? Which is easier?”
Gaz quietly takes the pen, and writes.
Hugging
Kissing/touching on skin
Sleeping together
Ghost rubs his back, Soap rubs his arm, and Gaz keeps writing.
Kissing on mouth in the amber column
Hair stroking in the green column
Pain in the red column
Bathing / Being washed in the amber column
Bondage written in amber, but with the B crossing into the red.
Tickling written in the green, but with the T crossing into Amber.
Feet tickling in the amber column
Dropping the pen, Gaz falls forward, forehead resting on his arms against the table, hiding his face. And how has Ghost never noticed before how fucking lonely and touch starved the younger man is?
“What about being held?” The Lieutenant says, picking up the pen as he looks at Soap. “Not full hugging, just being held while you rest?”
Soap smiles.
Gaz shrugs. “Green.”
Being held
“And.” Ghost winks at Soap. “What about being brought coffee in the morning?”
It gets the desired effect, Gaz’s shoulders shaking as he laughs softly, looking up. “Definitely green, Sir.”
Coffee in morning
“So, sleeping together, underlined sleeping, and being held, hugging and kissing, but not on the mouth, and hair stroking. Tickling but check in first, and not on the feet. Coffee in the morning.” Ghost leans towards Gaz, his voice low as his hand slides up to stroke the other man’s curls. “Nothing about that is broken.”
“Agreed.” Soap says. “It all sounds nice, actually. A calm evening.”
Gaz nods, but without making eye contact.
“Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms, Kyle?” Ghost asks.
Gaz shakes his head.
“Do you want to know what that feels like?”
His eyes are watery as he nods.
“Then come back with us tonight.” He points at the notebook. “Green column stuff only. You’ve got my word.”
Soap moves closer to Gaz. “Yeah. We’ll just hold you, Mate. If that’s all you need, that’s all you’ll have to do.” In pure Soap fashion he backs up his statement with action, pulling the sergeant into a tight hug with the other man sobbing quietly into his shoulder. “It’s alright. You’re going to be safe.”
Ghost moves to stand between his sergeants and the rest of the bar. It’s a courtesy, because no one is staring. They all lead dangerous, sometimes harrowing lives, and a soldier breaking down in the base bar is not uncommon. Everyone knows that the best thing for Gaz is to look away and give him space, so they do.
Word will almost certainly get back to Price and Laswell via some well meaning chain of whispers, but that’s tomorrow Simon’s problem.
Soap keeps up the embrace until Gaz starts to pull away, rubbing at his eyes and clearly becoming exhausted as the tension and adrenaline from the conversation falls off of his shoulders in waves.
“Let’s finish our drinks.” Ghost says.
Stripped down to boxers and a t-shirt, Ghost lays on his back under the blankets, arms wrapped around the pyjama clad man dozing with his head on Ghost’s chest, listening to his heart.
Soap is sat crossed legged next to them, having discovered what is apparently his new favourite thing.
“Having fun, Sergeant?” Ghost asks.
Soap hums his affirmation, still concentrating on whatever invisible art piece it is that he is currently finger painting onto the skin of Gaz’s arm.
“Careful you don’t wake him.”
“Bloody tank couldn’t wake him right now, Simon.”
“Fight it if it tries.” Ghost says, closing his eyes.
“Wouldn’t be my first.” Soap chuckles. “Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He’s at the hospital waiting to be seen?”
“Bloody hell.” Ghost cracks a smile even as he shakes his head. “Why didn’t the skeleton join the army?”
“Don’t know, LT.”
“He didn’t have the guts.”
“Good one.”
Gaz shifts slightly, now as good as laying on Ghost, and the lieutenant’s back is probably going to be excruciating tomorrow but Ghost can’t bring himself to adjust his position. Not when it risks waking his charge.
Not when Gaz’s face is more peaceful and relaxed than Ghost has ever seen it before.
“Do you think he might be asexual?” Soap asks as he continues to draw shapes with his finger.
“Not for us to decide.”
“I know. Just…I don’t mind, if he is. Doubt Ale or Rudy would either. But he thought that not liking sex made him broken, so…has someone else told him that…in the past?”
“You feel like breaking some jaws, Johnny?”
“Only the jaws? Why are we being soft on the bastards?”
Ghost smiles under the mask, before removing it so that he is able to place a soft kiss on Gaz’s forehead. Soap is right, a bloody tank convoy with helo escort probably wouldn’t wake Kyle right now, but a small smile comes to the younger man’s face even in his sleep.
Having abandoned his art project, Soap lays down next to them, reaching up to cup the side of Gaz’s face. “He’s got us, Simon.”
“Always and forever.”