Chapter Text
If there is something Wen is aware of, it is that relationships aren't easy to keep. No matter how cute and lovely a couple might look on the outside, they'll always have conflicts on the inside. So of course his and Jim's relationship wouldn't be an exception, he wishes it was, but he knows to keep a relationship isn’t easy, it happened to him before. He knows Jim is aware of it too, no wonder he took so long to accept Wen as something more than a friend he flirt with, because he didn’t want to go on that path again.
It's been a year since Wen has been in an actual relationship with Jim. It wasn't easy at all because Jim's walls aren't just about his past. He needed to change his own perspective on same sex relationships and Wen has been patient about it. He was fine with Jim not making their relationship public to everyone, only close friends and family. He is fine with Jim not posting any picture of them in social media. Even when Jim got really jealous of Wen's coworker and it turned into their most serious fight so far, Wen understood that's his past traumas talking.
Even when Jim never said he loved, or even liked Wen, Wen accepted it. Because Wen knows with Jim everything has to be way more slow than usual, but still the other man needs a little push sometimes.
After his 5 year relationship with Alan, Wen promised himself he wouldn’t let things that bother him to rest in order to keep the other happy, because he knows he will just end up the way he did: the unhappy part with the other not getting why he "suddenly" doesn't love him anymore. He promised himself he would do different, but it’s easier said than done, because this time, he needs to respect the other’s timing too, or he will be too selfish. He can handle not being in public with Jim the way he wanted to, and that’s beyond something that would bother him until he’s unhappy, because Jim also gives him space and values his opinion.
,
Wen Knows Jim likes him. He always knew, but this time, he knows the man is in love with him. Nobody looks the way Jim look at him if they're not in love, nobody touches or cares the way Jim does if they're not in love. When Wen had a work trip for a few weeks Wen could see how Jim was sad to see him go, but still supported him. The time Wen fell sick, it was nothing serious, but Jim nagged him to take his meds and take care of himself, making Wen feel like a kid again. Once Wen was so tired he overslept and didn’t take his meds. Jim was so worried he dropped by his house in case Wen fell worse and needed to see go to hospital again. He stayed there and cooked a good meal for him.
Wen doesn't mind not being told he is loved, if Jim can show him in these ways that are so important, doesn't mind not having social media posts if Jim is embracing him to sleep.
But there's something he’s not really willing to let Jim take his time and won’t tolerate. If the other things aren’t as big to make Wen unhappy, this one actually could. Relationships are about understanding and sometimes giving up for the other, but it's also about respect and Wen is feeling very disrespected .
Wen knows the importance of Beam in Jim's life. He's not the biggest fan of the man, but he knows he was important. The day Jim took him to visit Beam's grave and said he wondered how it would be if Beam was still alive it stings, because he knows that man still held a place in Jim's heart Wen would probably never have. Wen encouraged him to look for answers so he can move on, so he can open up again, so he lives in a world that is not about his dead lover who was such an amazing boyfriend he was cheating on his girlfriend with a man he kept as a dirty secret to his parents .
Wen kind of hates Beam, sometimes.
It happens in a Sunday night, They hang around for a while and were back home early, so the rest of the night they just asked for delivery and were ready to bed when Liming texted Jim about one document of his he left there, so he could seen an information for documents he’s getting there at USA. That's when Wen found it. It was a box and it was filled with pictures of Jim and Beam. Many, countless couple pictures, happy moments around the house, smiling, hugging, kissing. It was somewhere with easy access too, where Jim could find it and look at it, Wen doesn’t like the feeling when he thinks of it actually happening.
Wen couldn't believe what was in front of his eyes. The Jim who only took pictures with Wen when Wen himself put them together to pose, smiling brightly with Beam in many pictures, he couldn’t help but compare, he swore he wouldn’t, but he’s still human after all, nobody is perfect. He didn’t want to see this. It’s different when you know it, but to see it is a whole feeling. Wen wish he didn’t have to see these happy couple pictures. Why would he keep so many pictures? Wen remembers how he doesn’t keep not even on picture of his and Alan’s and no matter how they turned out to be, they were happy once.
Jim saw it when Wen found his box, he also stopped looking for the document, Wen didn't have time to study his expression, he just wanted answers.
"What does this mean?" That's the only thing Wen could say, looking up at Jim, who had an unreadable expression on his face. Jim is a rock when he wants it, maybe it’s years of practice, but he can easily let no emotion show "why do you keep all of this?"
Jim said nothing, and it's better than lying, but it's worse than letting Wen in the dark even when he just found it. Wen also can’t stand to listen to him at this moment.
"Forget it, I'm going home" Wen threw the picture in his hand inside the box unceremoniously, it made a noise and it fell messy on the box, on top of the other pictures. Wen is not worried about being civil to Jim's feelings about Beam right now, he's pissed off and he's thinking more of himself and what a fool he feels like.
"Wen" Jim spoke for the first time. "Wen let me explain" Wen breathe deep and motioned him to continue "I just didn't have the heart to throw it away, Wen-"
"Enough" Wen's voice was louder than he expected, Jim was surprised too, by the tone, he never heard Wen scream before, not even when they fought before, Wen never spoke like this. "If that's what you have to say, I'm leaving, because I can't stand listening to this bullshit so late at night."
This time Jim let his emotion show at least a little, the older man opened his mouth slightly, his eyes wet with unshed tears. Wen knows he has to leave, or he'll end up saying something harsher, Alan knows well what Wen is capable of when he's angry, truly angry.
Wen grabbed his things and was already close to the gate, ready to open it, his phone in hand, trying to get in contact with Gong when Jim stopped him.
"It's too late, don't go” Jim said, touching Wen’s shoulder to stop him, and taking it away when Wen turned around to look at him, “it's so dangerous out there, please Wen don't risk yourself like this, stay the night and tomorrow we'll talk"
Wen considered for a moment. It's past midnight, things have been getting shady these days, people are getting afraid of being outside too late and even one murder occurred a few weeks back. Also, he doesn't want to bother Gong, who's probably sick of his shit already. The best choice indeed is to stay the night.
Wen slept on the couch in the living room. Jim got him a blanket and said good night, Wen replied without looking up at him. He wonders if Jim is sleeping well or if he's awake, if he is restless like Wen feels, or if he's just recalling his moments with Beam while Wen longs for him.
He remembers how long it took for him to claim that bed again, from a one night stand, to someone who sleeps on Jim's floor to a boyfriend who sleeps beside him. How long it took til he became the boyfriend, not the friend, how long it took Jim let Wen enter his heart. Sometimes Wen doubted Jim would ever like him. The older man have been nice to him even when he was just a stranger. Instead of letting his drunk ass, he took him to his own home and the next day he didn’t kick him out.
Sometimes it felt like Jim was just too nice to tell Wen off, but when Alan appeared and made a scene in his restaurant, Wen was sure he wasn’t being delusional.
00:43
What the hell
Came Gong's replies to his texts from before before
00:43
Are you ok? You don't talk to me at this hour unless you fought with your man, bitch
00:44
Shut your ass hole bitch I'm fine. Sleeping on the sofa Tonight
00:44
Oh shit Wen
00:44
It was him who fuck up I'll talk to you tomorrow you'll know I'm right
00:44
I highly doubt it
: 00:44
Shut up
00:45
Bye bitch
The next day Wen woke up early and didn't wait for Jim to wake up. He just put some ration for Jimbo and left. He knows he's being an asshole, he knows this might be the most childish he’ve ever been, but this time Wen feels really conflicted and he wants to make a point there are things he doesn't tolerate.
Gong was sipping his coffee while he listened to Wen about what happened the night before, always patient about Wen's "dick problem" like he likes to call it. Wen tried to keep his voice down because they’re in public, but anyone from a far could see how stressed he was.
"I was so angry, I didn't want to stay there and listen, what kind of explanation can he even have about keeping those memories with him? I would even get if it was one picture, not their whole life together and how happy they were." Wen rants, sipping his own bitter coffee to wet his throat and keep going. "How long will it take for him to realize that man fucked him up? Why does he keeps holding on? Is it because he died? Because if that's the reason its because he still feels like that man is a saint when he kept him like a secret to his whole family while planning marriage with some girl." Wen sighs, messing his hair with his hands annoyed. "I'm tired, Gong. I just felt like a big idiot who's never gonna win against a dead man."
"What exactly make you feel like an idiot?" Gong said, "to me it feels like you want him to think the guy is a bad guy, but to be honest, it wouldn't change a thing. If he hated him he would still keep him in his mind anyway, even if he burned the pictures he still wouldn't forget about him. It's not a competition, Wen. The man is dead and Jim is not, I think you should sort things out with him and ask him what he feels instead of assuming you're not important." Wen felt like a child being scolded by his mother, but that's exactly why he goes for Gong, because the man will pull his ear if needed. "But if you feel like you don't need this shit in your life and it’s too much, like he’s really staring at their beautiful moments together and imagining them grow old together, you can always break up with him, it's not your issue, he can live all his life chasing away people who like him because of that dead guy."
"Wow, and I thought I was being mean." Wen frowned at Gong. "I don't want to break up with him, I'm just angry. I didn't want to talk to him when I'm angry like this. I will end up saying something I'll regret later."
"Do you feel loved by him?" Gong asked, "Is he a good boyfriend?"
"He is very limited when it comes to public relationship, but he does show he likes me"
"So you don't think he loves you"
Wen said nothing.
Wen's phone buzzed on the table and Wen checked on the new message on the screen. It was Leng's
13:56
Anything happened between you and Lung? He's moping all day and when I asked he snapped at me >-<
"Is it him?" Gong asked.
"No, it's a mutual friend. I told him I'm coming later so we can talk, after that he didn't send me any message, giving me space, I guess.
Wen said and replied to Leng's texts.
13:58:
Leave him alone, Leng.
13:58
Now you too >-<
"Anyway, Gong. I'm leaving now. I'll see if I can talk to him before work."
"Just remember, Wen. Listen to him first… you've been telling me he got a lot on his back. I'm not telling you to tolerate bullshit, but you should at least be considerate, maybe you can talk him out of this."
"I'll try. Thank you, Bro"
"You're welcome, Bitch"
When Wen arrived at Jim’s place, Jim was sitting on the couch, manspreading as usual, but his back resting on the back of the couch like he’s very tired, Wen finds funny the way Jim sits, because he really reminds him of his father, Jim really is an old man even if he’s only forty years old, it’s about state of mind, he guesses.
Jim tapped the side of the couch to tell Wen to come and sit down, and Wen does it. Wen have been thinking about his attitude the other day and he feels bad for acting the way he did, even more now when he is looking at Jim’s face. “I’m sorry” That wasn’t the first thing he planned to say, but since he started like this he might as well keep going. “For how I acted, and for leaving this morning without saying anything” the older man just looked at him, studying him quietly. Wen got used to Jim’s slow way sometimes, when he just sits and stares like he’s still processing, when in reality he’s thinking deeply about that topic. Jim raised his hand and brushed Wen’s hair lightly, Wen knows he’s weak for the man, because he feels like seeking for more when his hand leaves his hair.
“Wen, I have been thinking about what happened and I think” Jim drags his hands through his pants, like he’s clearing his hand through the apron. “Those pictures… I’ve always had them, they were pictures Beam printed out. I had some framed around the house, but I took them out and kept them in the box…” Jim said, calm as summer afternoon. “Part of me forgot they existed, part of me just wanted them to stay there and forgetting was an excuse to keep them… so I don’t have to feel conflicted about throwing them away”
“An easy way out” Wen summarized it. Jim looked down and Wen knew he’s right.
“Remember when I found those old pictures of yours and Alan’s in your old Facebook account?” Jim asked, tilting his head slightly to the side, that’s how he knows Jim’s getting back at him, because he might still be bitter about that, just like Wen is now. “You told me you just forgot… didn’t it feel comfortable to forget them there?”
“At first, yes” Wen recalled when Jim told him he was going through his Facebook and found an old folder with pictures with Alan, but Wen had forgotten about them, he barely used Facebook and when he deleted the folder, he knew there wasn’t any feelings kept with those pictures “When I thought we could be together again, but as time passed by, it felt like we had no chance… but those pictures weren’t part of it, I truly forgot they existed.” Wen finishes. “I told Alan and I’m telling you too. When I liked Alan, I focused only on him, now that I like you, my only focus in on you.”
Wen didn’t want to sound snappy, but he feels like he needs to set this straight.
"I just thought you could understand." Jim said, knowing well that isn’t the entire truth.
"I don't understand, Jim ." Wen almost never call Jim by his name, it's always Lung , usually he would call him Jim when he's being clingy, but this time he's just feeling too serious, it’s obvious the name is being used to set a distance between them. "I don't understand at all why… I understand he's a big part of your life, but it doesn't feel right to keep so many memories like this, it's not even healthy. How was it to spend all of these years stuck in the past? I'm not telling you to forget all about him, I know you'll never see him as a cheater, but I don't understand why you need to keep him like a hero, either"
Jim was silent, Wen doesn't know if he's thinking of what to say or if he knows Wen is right and he can't win against his arguments, either Way he continues"I was so angry because it felt like no matter what I do, I will always be your second option.
Jim looked up, surprised by the words that just left Wen's mouth.
"I am the second option and the first queue will always be a dead man" Wen said coldly, seeing Jim's perplexed expression "how sweet do you think that feels? I might have appeared in your life with a complicated situation with Alan, but I did my best to clear that up until you trust me, but can I trust you?"
"You can trust me, Wen" Jim said firmly, "I wasn't aware that it would make you feel like this. Mourning for Beam have been something so normal in my head, I don't think I've ever had someone snap me out of that, I never really needed to move on. but I am getting there… " Jim looked at Wen, tenderly, a little shy "It was so much worse and I thought I wouldn't be able to have you. You have no idea what was going through my head, Wen. How I thought I would never be able to touch you the way I wanted so badly…" Wen frowned slightly, not getting completely what Jim meant, it’s like there’s something he wasn’t aware of while he was chasing Jim. "It's tiring, Wen… it's tiring to live like this and now I got you into this too"
"Hey, that's not like this. I want you to feel like we are together in this and we need to talk through." Wen explained, "I was snappy and angry, but I have to tell you, Lung . I know I wasn't the most considerate, but if I keep this in, it will become a burden, I will be just lying to keep our relationship alive while I'm burning inside"
“I don’t want you to do this” Jim looked like he was about to faint, he was really trying , Wen thought. This conversation is not easy for him either. “Always tell me when I mess up, you were considerate for both of us.”
"It's okay" and Jim hugged him and Wen melted in his embrace, hugging him back with everything he got, burying his nose on the crook of Jim's neck"
"I will get rid of them, Wen." Jim said while hugging Wen, his hand combing his hair, like he’s soothing a child from a bad nightmare. “Last night I was looking at them and I realized they don’t belong to my house anymore.” Jim breaks the hug to look at Wen’s eyes, trying to pass sincerity. “It hurt to lose my restaurant, but it was for the best, and it’s not a sacrifice to get rid of the pictures, because it’s for the best.”
Wen looked away, somehow it still doesn’t feel right. He knows Jim had a life before him and he knows he can’t fight against that or force him to lose that, but at the same time he’s glad Jim is trying. He’s trying for himself first, for his own peace of mind, but Wen knows he’s trying for Wen too, for them both.
“Hey come back to Earth” Jim’s amused tone brought Wen from his thoughts. He gave Jim a weak smile, but also a content one. When he looked down, Jim was holding a picture in his hand. “Oh, this. I found this too, look. It’s me from many, many , many years ago. I wanted to show you”
In the picture there was a teen Jim smiling widely. Jim was scrawny boy and Wen laughed a little. “Lung, always so handsome, you look like you broke one or two hearts back then”
Jim scoffed “Now that you saw my dark past, I want to see your pictures too.”
“I don’t have them here, I have back at home though…” Wen suddenly had an idea “Lung, come with me to my home one of these days? You already know my dad, meet my mother.”
Jim looked away and nodded his head slowly, like when he does when he’s considering it. “Ok, we’ll do that.”