Chapter Text
"What the fuck?"
Selina felt that those three words were enough to describe her whole relationship with Bruce Wayne. First as Batman, then as Bruce.
She had thought there may be something between them. Luckily it had passed, and in its place a weird friendship had developed. Which might make some people turn up their noses since she was a thief and he was a vigilante. But Bruce hasn't been so uptight lately and as long as Selina didn't kill and steal, they were fine.
Still, what the heck?
"Oh, Brucie is growing up," Harley said, all too pleased.
She was upright on the bed, while Pamela sat on the other side trimming her nails, seemingly ignoring the ongoing conversation.
Fuck house arrest for both of them. Why had she accepted? Oh yeah, they were friends.
Bruce hoped that with her, Pamela and Harley could direct their impulses towards more correct forms of fighting for their principles, without involving innocent people.
So far it had’t gone great, but at least Harley had dumped her clown ex, for good this time, so it was a win.
(Probably more thanks to Pamela than her, but details.)
"Let me get this straight…you, mister, I don't look anyone in the face and if you talk to me for more than five minutes I'll start crying, you want….I can't believe I'm about to say it…learn how to seduce a man."
"Exactly," Bruce replied, as he petted one of Selina's cats.
"Just…why?"
"Who cares?" Harley broke in.
"He finally wants to step outside his boundaries! You have my respect!"
"It's not about going outside my boundaries. It's about planetary security."
"Really?" Selina said, half joking.
"Superman is powerful enough to destroy the planet. I have to find how to stop him."
This knocked Harley over, and Pamela finally stopped pretending not to pay attention.
Selina didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or slap him on the head, "Do you want to seduce Superman?!"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"To discover his weaknesses and use them against him when his powers drive him insane."
"Wow, talking about trust issues," was Harley's comment.
"I like to be prepared," Bruce said.
"What did the boy scout do to make you fear that he might become world dictator at the slightest provocation?"
The man pouted adorable, and grumbled. Selina still wasn't an expert at translating each other's mumbling but she swore it was something like he smiles too much, and I don't trust him, he's got something to hide.
Harley said, "Isn't Superman having a relationship with that reporter? Lois Lane?"
"She is General Lane's daughter. A close relationship is not advisable."
"She seems to know him well. Why don't you ask her?"
"She wouldn't answer me, so as not to betray him. Everyone says he's a hero."
"And you obviously don't believe it," Selina suspected.
"No."
"What makes you think he might be interested in men?" Selina asked him.
Harley laughed, "Cupcake, no completely straight man would wear pants that tight."
"Same conclusion I came to."
Oh good. The fate of the world was entrusted to a pair of tight trousers.
"Besides, I've done some research on him, and I might be his type. At least physically. What I lack is the ability to seduce him to lower his defenses and believe me harmless."
"Ability you think we have?" Selina asked, not sure whether to feel offended or not.
"Gotham is very sexist," Bruce said.
"You did your best to manipulate men who thought they knew better."
Pamela smiled, "I'm liking this one."
“I told you Brucie's one of the good ones,” Harley genuinely smiled as she said it.
"And he's a weirdo, like us."
Selina wanted to moan. This is what happens when you make friends with strange vigilantes. She said, "So Superman has a thing for brunettes. Good to know. Have you thought about what to do in case your brilliant plan fails?"
"It won't fail," he said confidently.
"You don't know," she insisted, trying to give him some common sense. A futile undertaking, it was Bruce she was talking to.
"Superman is overconfident. He will fall into the net."
"Definitely not dressed like that honey," Harley commented, taking a long look to Bruce.
"What's wrong with the way I'm dressed?"
"You look like a creepy stalker," Selina said. Army jacket, hat, scarf to cover her face and mascara for her eyes. Bruce was a walking fashion insult. They're definitely going to have to fix his wardrobe, make him wear things that flatter his body and…
Oh god, she was totally on board with that plan, right?
“This vest will make his eyes pop.”
“He has to go to a gala, Harley. He can't go around half naked."
“Pam! I thought you were on my side!”
“I'm just saying we should go for something sober. Elegant and refined.”
“Boring. Look at this, it's pink!”
“The next thing you want to do is put a blonde wig on him and call him Barbie?”
“It could make things fun.”
Selina put away that horrible glitter vest Harley had gotten, for the sake of everyone's eyes and good taste.
There was no one in the boutique except them, and she had a well-founded suspicion that it was because Bruce had bribed the owner to let them be alone and avoid prying eyes.
They will have to work on this: it was unthinkable to plan to seduce someone when you hated the very idea of being looked at.
She was going to undermine the very basis of seduction.
She looked around for Bruce, who was standing next to a mannequin, looking very focused, as if he were facing an enemy.
Yeah, no. It wasn't good.
She left the two lovebirds discussing the merits of the color pink and walked over to Bruce. She walked up behind him, “You know, all of this becomes useless if you don't listen to us.”
Bruce had the decency to look embarrassed, “They seemed so happy. I didn't want to ruin their fun.”
“Ruin their fun?”
“I don't understand much about these things.”
She smiled at him, “That's why we're here. To teach you. Or, at least, to give you the right tips to get you the man.”
“I don't understand why there's so much pressure for clothes.”
“Darling, you know how that fancy costume you wore at night is an armor? “
He nodded, Selina continued, “Think clothes are a weapon too. It's how you wear them that makes the difference. “
“Like you did at the club.”
Selina nodded. It wasn't an entirely hopeless case. She said, “You have to make a hell of a first impression. As soon as they see you, everyone will have to say wow, that's why Wayne was hiding. You understand?"
“No, but I'll try.”
It was a good start.
Selina gently took his arm and Bruce let her guide him. She took him to see some very tight black waists. Bruce grimaced and she giggled, “Don't make that face. You can't go naked, but we still have to show off your skills."
“My skills?”
She gave him a significant look. Of course, dressed as he was now, Bruce looked like a disturbing homeless person, but despite this, you could see that under the rubbish he insisted on wearing, there was the body of a Greek god.
“All that training didn't just make you a weapon, dear. "
“You're sexy, and the high society ladies will all want a piece of you. Maybe not just the ladies.”
She had to suppress a laugh at the look of pure terror on Bruce's face. Fighting against serial killers and crazy clowns? No problem.
Being a socialite? God save him.
“I don't want…ladies I mean…”
Selina reassured him, “You only have eyes for the super boy scout, I get it. Their loss.”
“I don't have eyes for him. I…"
She interrupted, “You don't trust him, you think he's a future dictator, blah blah blah. Already heard it. Now undress and put this on.”
"Why?"
“To see how it looks on you, and maybe teach you how to move.”
She didn't wait for an answer, and she put everything she had gotten for him into his arms. Bruce had now resigned himself to his fate, and went to the dressing room.
He emerged less than five minutes later, the same creased trousers but with a black turtleneck that he clutched around his forearms.
Selina looked at him with satisfaction. Black wasn't an original choice, but it was Bruce's color. She asked him, “How are you feeling?”
"Strange. I don't like the fabric.”
"What do you want to say?"
“It tingles.”
Selina had checked, and was sure it didn't sting. However she didn't want Bruce to feel uncomfortable, she wouldn't be good for her plan.
She sighed, “Go change.”
She would like to say that it was easier afterwards. That would be a lie. Bruce wasn't one for shopping, he found fault with everything he wore, and he kept scoffing, as if he were a high school student on his first day of school.
The I'm weak and pathetic, protect me strategy worked sometimes, especially with those with the savior complex, and Superman definitely seemed like someone with the savior complex.
She had to take that into consideration.
But what's the point? There was no point in thinking about seduction strategies when they were still stuck on the dresses for the gala.
Even Bruce was starting to get impatient, “Nothing's good. How can I look normal if I want to get out of my skin?”
“Do you want to look for something else?”
“You already know that I will choose the things that are most…comfortable for me. “
“Darling, clothes have to be comfortable too,” Selina reminded him.
“If you don't feel comfortable, everyone will see it. Superman will see it. And we don't want that."
The man ran a hand through his hair (he'll need a new cut, his bangs covered his eyes, which was a real shame), "I'm sorry, I'm no help."
“We can try again.”
"How long? The gala is in four days. And I'm… me,” he said, almost mumbling as he rubbed his sleeves. The shirt may be a mess, but it didn't matter. If that was to make Bruce feel at ease, so be it.
“Being yourself is a problem,” Selina admitted.
“However, even weaknesses can become strengths.”
She nodded to him as if asking for permission, and he agreed. She touched his arm, comfortingly, “We can do this. If we don't find anything here, we can have a custom made suit for you. With all the money you have, they'll make you one in the blink of an eye.”
Bruce grimaced, “I'd rather not have any strangers touch me.”
"Honey…"
“Selina, my scars. Someone might notice them. And ask questions.”
They both knew that there was no need to undress to take measurements, and that he was using every excuse he could think of.
Of course, a tailor-made suit would have solved many problems, but it would have given too much of the impression that he wanted to say I'm better than you, I'm a rich guy and I'm capricious.
If Lois Lane was Big Blue's type, they needed to carefully curate Bruce's image.
At that moment, Harley arrived with something in her arms, “Hey! Look what Pam and I chose!”
Thank God, there was nothing pink in there. The first thing Bruce did was touch. He looked satisfied, “It's soft. “
“This shouldn't cause you any triggers,” Harley smiled at him.
“Come on, Brucie. Try it on and show us how it fits."
Bruce did, and when he came out, he was wearing long black silk pants, a white shirt (maybe a little too sheer, but with the jacket no one would have noticed), and jacket made of the same material as the pants.
Pamela nodded with satisfaction, "He's fine."
“Um…wait a minute though…”
Harley walked over to Bruce, and unbuttoned his top three buttons, leaving his shirt open to see a generous slice of his chest.
"It is necessary?"
“Brucie, your tittles are a national treasure! It would be a crime not to show at least a little of it!”
“Still, it's a charity gala… won't I be a little too exposed?”
Selina laughed, “My dear, that's exactly the point. You are the honey, and he is the bee that he wants a piece of you."
Bruce's contrite expression made her laugh, but one thing was done. Maybe that wet cat will be able to seduce more than one person at the gala.
“You still haven't told us why this gala is important.”
“Superman will be there.”
“Will he be a guest?”
“No, he will be there for work.”
"Work?"
“Yes, he is a journalist.”
“Do you know Superman's secret identity?!”
“Yes, didn't I tell you?”
"No!"
"My bad."
"Okay, girls. Computers?"
"Ready!"
"Earphones?"
"Turn on!"
Selina smiled and stood in front of the screen, with Pamela and Harley behind her.
This part was almost funny, it almost felt like a spy movie.
It was the most logical solution. Bruce was good at pretending to be a functioning human being for a few hours.
What he couldn't do was flirt. Oh, there was potential, she admitted to herself. But he was too direct, too rude.
Years of isolation had rusted what little social skills he had, and Selina didn't feel like throwing him into the middle of the jungle without at least her guidance. That's why they had set up all that, as if they were secret agents.
Pamela was just there for show.
"Okay, Bruce. Be natural and gentle."
"Which one? I can't do both."
Harley chuckled, "Go straight to the target. Don't bother with these old bears."
"It'll be a miracle if they don't try to surround him," Pamela commented.
"We sent a peony among climbing plants."
"Excuse me? Peony? Brucie here is much more beautiful than an ordinary peony."
"Then he'll have more parasites on him," the redhead said.
From experience, Selina knew she was right. Harley said, "What do we know about Big Blue anyway? What are his powers?"
"He is powerful enough to destroy the world with a sneeze," Selina replied, while Bruce stiffly returned the mayor's salute.
"Honey, we talked about it. You have to be more relaxed. Try being friendly to someone else…someone who isn't married and…no, Mrs. Drake isn't exactly free, she's a harpy, get away from her…"
Harley distracted her, "I know that. But what if he also has super hearing or something?"
Selina opened her mouth to respond, but she quickly closed it again. That was a very good question, actually.
"There's no risk," Bruce replied.
"The signal emits short waves that are difficult for any device to pick up. If your hearing works like this, you will only hear garbled bits and won't understand much."
"Bruce, focus. Don't talk about this around the other guests," Selina reprimanded him.
“They don't pay attention to me.”
Pamela scoffed, "Somehow, I doubt it."
One of the guests approached: he was a man old enough to see his gray temples, and not even the facelift he had had could save him from the signs of aging.
The man smiled, "Ah, the famous Bruce Wayne. What a wonderful surprise. It's delightful apparition."
Harley pretended to vomit as Selina suggested, “Try what we told you on him. Let's see if you a seducer."
“Were you an actor?” Bruce said first.
"What, sorry?" the man asked, confused.
"You remind me of Paul Newman. Were you by any chance his stunt double?"
Selina ran her hand over her face, while Harley laughed.
"Oh my God! Brucie just told him he's old!"
The man gave a small smile, "I was too young when Newman made his films."
"And yet, the physical structure is similar. You wouldn't have noticed the difference."
Harley couldn't stop laughing, Pamela was smiling, which for her was equivalent to bursting out laughing. Selina wanted to change the channel and escape that train wreck.
"Ah, but I've never been an actor," the old man said."
"I was a producer, yes, in fact I asked your mother to act for me. I almost saw Martha when you walked in..."
Bruce didn't stay to listen any further than he had to say, and moved away. Selina immediately told him, "You can't just leave a conversation! At least make him finish talking."
"He's here," Bruce replied, walking towards a group consisting of Mayor Reál, Mr. Drake, and two reporters.
One of them was Lois Lane, very petite but combative in her white suit. Next to her was a mountain of a boy with square glasses and a tweed suit so ugly it made her eyes bleed.
He was tall, and hunched over to appear less threatening.
It didn't look like much but Bruce was aiming for him.
"Wait...is he Superman?!" Selina was incredulous. Shouldn't Superman be more...well, notable?
"Reporters from the Daily Planet, I presume. I'm Bruce Wayne," Bruce introduced himself, not once looking at Lois Lane but only at the one with her.
"I own your newspaper."
"Nice way to break the ice," Pamela commented.
"Let them know that you are their boss and that you can fire them. They will definitely love you."
The sarcasm went over Bruce's head, and he continued ,"I hope the Planet sent only the best."
Selina bet that Mayor Reál and Mr. Drake were experiencing second-hand embarrassment like her.
Miss Lane said piqued, "Of course Perry sent the best. The occasion was important."
What a liar. The Gotham-Metropolis Friendship Gala was just another social event, far beneath the articles Lane usually wrote. It was clear that she would have preferred to tear her hair out rather than write about the latest dress bought by this Metropolis star or how Lex Luthor had faked an illness again so as not to come, but sent his secretary as a proof of good will.
All useless things for someone who wanted to denounce the corruption of large companies and the relations between the police and the mafia. Given the type, it was no surprise that Superman always found himself having to save her.
"Lois Lane and Clark Kent," Bruce said, as if he were reading a note.
"Top of the class. Your latest article got a lot of buzz, Mr. Kent."
Kent was blushing, "I…ah…that wasn't even my best article."
"You got straight to the point without beating around the bush. It was very clear and well developed."
"Mhm, yeah, your using of the English language is sexy, mr. Kent," Harley joked.
Selina had very little desire to joke. She said, "What are you doing? The guy's good, but you look like a creepy fan! Make up for it by saying something flirty. Let him know you're interested without saying it directly."
"Ask him if he's good at using his tongue for other things, too," Harley suggested.
It wasn't a bad idea, if she had been there instead of Bruce. Selina didn't have time to stop him, before Bruce said, "It must be sad to use your linguistic skills just for this."
"Um…I don't understand, Mr. Wayne."
"Bruce, don't say what Harley said. If you do, you'll just be creepy!"
"Hey! That was a great idea! Brucie can do it!"
Selina scoffed, "What would you think if Bruce suddenly spoke to you like that?"
"Duh, it's Bruce Wayne. He's rich, a molestation charge or two if he can afford it."
Bruce wasn't doing or saying anything though. He was panicking.
Selina couldn't see anything else but she would bet that at that moment Bruce looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
They had given him too much input all at once.
Shit, shit, shit!
Harley was the first to say, "Hey, Brucie. It's okay. You're doing great. Unfortunately, you can't escape to a quieter place. Just listen to my voice, okay?"
There was a low grunt, and Harley took that as an affirmative response. She continued, "Clark has a tie. Do you see it?"
More grunting, and she said, "Focus on that. It's really ugly, isn't it? I hate it. You do too, don't you? Even if he is Superman, he really has shitty taste."
It seemed to be working. Harley was great.
Too bad Kent was about to ruin everything. He placed a hand on Bruce's arm, concerned, "Mr. Wayne, are you okay?"
The real surprise was that Bruce didn't chase him away, like he had done to Selina the first time she touched him without asking first. Instead, Bruce told him, "You're hot."
They were all speechless. Pamela asked, "Does this count as an attempt at flirtation or is he just saying that his hand is warm?"
"Well…it's pretty unclear."
It was still progress. Selina thought it would be worse. She was ready to give Bruce further directions when there was the sound of a gunshot and several men poured into the room.
Of all the times there could be a heist, did it have to be this one?
The worst thing was something else. The one who had raided with at least twenty men was Bane.
Fuck.
Bane was a new player on Gotham's crime scene. He was a monster of a man who, unfortunately, in addition to superhuman strength due to a drug, was also intelligent.
The smart ones were the worst, because they were the hardest to catch. Batman had miraculously survived their first fight and only because he had found a way to disconnect the tube that gave him the drug. Bane had had a fit and left.
Months had passed, and here he was, at the Gotham-Metropolis friendship gala, fully intending to do something memorable.
Bruce knew this, and anticipated it.
"Take me as a hostage, leave the others alone."
"You're an idiot."
There was no response, but that didn't make Selina give up, “Are you aware that you're the dumbest man I've ever met? And I worked in a bar where the men were slimy. You're a fucking idiot, Bruce Thomas Wayne."
On the screen, she saw where Bane had dragged her friend into to hold him hostage, waiting for WE to pay the ransom.
It was some kind of warehouse, but there was no detail that could help her figure out where he was.
Bane had been quick enough to put a bag on Bruce's head, so he had no idea how far they'd come.
He had been careful not to harm his precious hostage, one who could only be worth millions if returned in good condition.
Bane wouldn't hurt Bruce a hair, and it was this knowledge that didn't drive her mad. Harley wasn't taking it as well.
"Pam, come on..."
"I told you, my powers don't work like that."
“Are you telling me that with all the plants in Gotham…”
“Gotham has no plants,” the redhead corrected her.
“This city is a hellhole, nature is dying, plastic is everywhere, and you expect there to be enough plants to track it?”
After a moment of silence, Harley replied, "Duh, there are houseplants."
It was a sign of how much Pamela liked her that Harley was still alive after saying it.
Meanwhile, Selina continued to direct her righteous anger towards those who deserved it, “You always have to be a hero, don't you? Even when you're not wearing your stupid cowl."
“It's not that,” Bruce finally said, taking advantage of the momentary distraction of one of Bane's minions.
“I don't want to put myself in danger.”
“Then why are you in this situation?!”
“You told me that Superman has a savior complex. Men always fall for those they have to save."
Selina blinked, “That's why you did it?! Is that what you understood?”
“I appreciated your suggestion.”
“Bruce, you don't even know if Superman will come to save you!”
“He will,” he said confidently.
“If he wants to prentend to be a hero, he won't pass up the opportunity to save the famous billionaire Bruce Wayne. If he, on the other hand, is a good person who intends to help, he won't hesitate. Any way you look at it, I win.”
Except that wasn't the case. Except Bruce was a hostage of some shitty drug addict, locked up somewhere, and Harley was freaking out to get out of the house and go save him, house arrest be damned.
It was a crazy plan, probably crazier than trying to seduce the damn Superman.
“I'll be fine,” he tried to soothe her in his classic awkward way.
Selina snorted, “If Big Blue isn't there in an hour, to hell with everything. We will come."
"Remember the house arrest."
“Do you think Harley cares?”
"No."
She smiled faintly, "At least you have some sense left."
"An hour. That will be enough.”
It was madness. Superman didn't know Gotham. There was no way he could find out where Bruce was during that time.
Selina will curse Bruce for life for putting her in the position of worrying about him. The minion was within earshot again, and it was no longer safe for Bruce to speak.
Pamela told her, “People say Superman can fly.”
“And that he is invulnerable.”
“How strong is he, though?” Harley asked again the right question.
“It's not like we know much about him. Can he beat Bane?”
“Probably yes,” Selian said, hating the uncertainty.
Half an hour passed without anything happening. Harley was impatient, and so was Selina. Pamela remained calm, but her eyes were unnaturally green.
"Ok, I go."
“We don't know where he is,” Selina reminded her.
“I'll go to every damn warehouse in Gotham and…”
She was interrupted by the sounds of gunshots. Selina felt her blood run cold, terrible scenarios forming in her mind.
Bane freaked out.
One of his minions is a traitor.
There are leadership problems at the worst possible time.
She couldn't be blamed for immediately thinking the worst. She lived in Gotham, for heaven's sake. She had seen a lot of shit. There was no way things were going to go well.
But Superman burst into the room, dazzling in red and blue, and the idiot minions shot him. It had no effect and one punch was enough to knock him down.
When he saw Bruce, Superman immediately came to him, "Mr. Wayne, are you okay?"
“Now that you're here, yes.”
Selina groaned. Really, Bruce? Do you really want to try flirting now? This will give him the reputation of a playboy. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, now that she thought about it.
No one would have linked Bruce Wayne to Batman so easily if there was a clear separation between the two.
Unlike his civilian self, Superman didn't blush. He smiled hugely (maybe she understood why he had so many fans), and untied Bruce.
The silence wasn't awkward like at the gala. Bruce asked,”How did you find me? Where is Bane?”
To an outsider, they might have seemed like common hostage questions. But Selina knew what Bruce was really trying to know: she wanted to know if Superman could easily defeat Bane and by what means he found him.
Know your enemy, in short.
Superman pursed his lips, "Bane's not a problem."
“Where is he?”
“I took care of him.”
“He's definitely strong,” Selina thought.
Batman had problems against Bane because he was human. Superman was something else. Something potentially worse, if not held back and… fuck, she was starting to sound like Bruce now.
Selina was starting to understand though why he was so paranoid about Superman. If he'd had trouble with Bane, how could Bruce hope to stand a chance against a literal god?
"How did you find me?"
Superman looked embarrassed, and for a moment he looked like Clark Kent. He regained control, “Don't worry. You are safe now.”
“I would like to know how, to thank you adequately. Or…would you prefer another kind of thank you?”
“Smooth,” Harley commented.
“He learned something.”
Meanwhile Superman was saying, “No need to thank me, Mr. Wayne. Do you want me to take you home?”
“Shouldn't you wait for the police first?”
"It is not needed. I took care of everyone. Furthermore, there is plenty of evidence of their involvement at the gala. They won't get away with it."
Definitely not from Gotham. The optimistic mentality of Metropolis didn't make him see the risks of leaving minions and their boss unattended. Or maybe he was just too sure of his powers.
Well, the arrogant are always the first to fall.
Bruce wasn't taking kindly to having to leave Bane alone: he was hesitant to accept Superman's offer.
Somehow, Superman understood this, “You don't need to fret. He really is in control."
"I didn't say anything."
“It's just that your heart…” he trailed off, not continuing.
Selina found this interesting, “Bruce, insist on asking him this. It can be useful."
Bruce agreed, “What does my heart have to do with it?”
“I…I might have memorized your heartbeat.”
Wow. This was…something, definitely.
Superman was quick to say, “I swear, it happened by accident. I was trying to find you and…I recognized your heartbeat.”
“Does it sound different from the others?”
“Partly yes. You are a strange man, Mr. Wayne. I cannot understand you, but…"
Bane's scream shook everything. The drug was supposed to give him some regenerative power. Superman wasn't expecting this, which confirmed Selina's first opinion. Too much confidence in his power.
"Stay here. I'll take care of him."
He flew away, ready for round two.
Bruce asked, “Selina, do you think I managed to hook him?”
“Mhm…he knows your heartbeat, he finds you interesting, he doesn't understand you, and he finds something in you that attracts him…we can tell there's something cooking.”
“Good. And now?"
Selina smiled a smile that made her look like a cartoon cat, "Now the best begins."