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The running joke in the dorm says that if Shinwon hadn't succeeded as an idol, he would be your friendly neighborhood unemployed uncle.
Shinwon laughs it off every time, more than once from the spot on the couch that’s been dubbed his, all long limbs sprawled out and head tilted back. "At least this slob bagged the hottest people of the group."
"Who, again?" Wooseok asks, eyebrows raised, a smirk spreading across his lips. "Because Yanan's been in China for a while and Yuto’s in Japan, and let's face it: Changgu hyung is way out of your league."
Not so unexpected, the most outraged is Hwitaek. "Hey, hey, what about me?"
"Hyung is talented."
Hwitaek chokes on his spit, brows furrowed and proud simper. A fit of roaring laughter vibrates against Shinwon’s shoulder as Hyunggu points out the conflicted expression of their group leader–the mellow howling sounds and the warm puffs of air as comforting as the blanket Hongseok keeps trying to wrap them up in. Shinwon can’t help but wiggle a little, spreading his legs wider, thighs touching his companions’.
"You're wrong, my young penjelbe," Shinwons says, "because Hyunggu and Hongseok hyung are also way, way out of my league and I still fuck them at least twice a week."
Wooseok scrunches his nose and gags, loudly asking for him to please, please shut up . Jinho just shakes his head and stands up ready to flee, while Hwitaek cracks up at their maknae's reaction.
His boyfriends seem torn between facepalming themselves or acting smug about it, with Hyunggu shying away behind his back and Hongseok shoving his knee, a dark blush painting the honey skin of his cheeks. The tender sensation of smooth lips with sticky cherry scented lipstick grazes his shoulder.
"What should we do with you?" Hyunggu hisses.
"I have some ideas."
"Save them for later. After shower." And Shinwon wiggles his eyebrows while pointing out that they’ll need to shower twice then, so why wait?
Hongseok shoves his knee again and murmurs: “Slob.”
The joke never reaches out of the dorm as more than a radio acnedote, a funny story that Shinwon himself retells on camera to the thousands of fans and casual listeners out there as anything but what really is: a small thorn.
A small growing thorn punctuating his mind, his heart, his made-up armor of confidence, his whole self.
Hyunggu squirms under Hongseok's body and the sight is outstandingly beautiful. Overwhelming. An idyllic come true. Painters and cinemagropers would envy the way the golden skin of Hongseok becomes a stark contrast to Hyunggu's pearly white fingers, scratching his tanned back, yet it becomes a perfect blend in the middle, where their hips touch, souls converging in the dim light.
"This tattoo is new," Hongseok says before he licks his collarbones vehemently. At every single trace of the ivy.
“Hyung, hyung, the new tattoo isn't there. It’s on the back of my arm," Hyunggu giggles, quite an endearing great feat given his heady, ragged breathing.
Hongseok smirks and moves his hips in a different angle, increasing the pressure between their shafts, succeeding at messing Hyunggu up. The other guy lets himself drift away by the waves of pleasure, eyes shut and loud moans escaping his lips. Shinwon's cock throbs—cravings and desires being a large, subtly managed part of his nature.
"I know. It's just– I love this one. You know I love nature and I love you and your collarbones and—it drives me fucking crazy."
Hyunggu flutters his eyes open and bites his inner lip as he traces the muscles of Hongseok's abs with his nimble fingers. "I know. And you know why I got them, right?" he mumbles between whimpers with each slide of Hongseok's cock against his, looking up at Hongseok through his eyelashes. "And why did I get two ivies, right?" His gaze flickers at Shinwon, something pure and warm shimmering through the lust daze.
Hongseok stills for a second, a groan caught in his throat. "Holy fuck, you're perfect," is the only thing he mutters before starting to move his hips again with vigor. "Isn't our Hyunggu perfect, babe?"
Shinwon bites his lips and nods, entrailed.
He could watch them forever—rubbing, holding hands, making love. There's enjoyment in watching the whole scene develop, from Hongseok losing his cool and caging Hyunggu against the door, to Hyunggu turning into a mewling mess, small tears hanging from his eyelashes and his usual wit forgone.
Hyunggu holds on to Hongseok with one arm around his strong shoulders and with his free hand he commands Shinwon to come closer, to join them, to take part in driving Hongseok up his walls.
After all, that's what they had agreed to earlier. To make up for all the time Hongseok was away in the military. To pamper their boyfriend whenever the dorm is empty.
And truth be told, even if Shinwon likes to watch, Hongseok's perk ass has fascinated him since debut days. So round, so firm, so enticing. Shinwon drops to his knees as if he were about to pray and strokes up the muscular thighs, groping to his heart's content before leaning down his head and nosing down the groovy line between the buttocks. He places an open-mouthed kiss on each asscheek as a silent question.
The guttural moan and the way Hongseok arches his back, bringing his ass closer to Shinwon's face are all the answers he needs. Besides, Hongseok has shifted his angle to accommodate better for Shinwon, drawing another moan from Hyunggu.
Wasting no more time, Shinwon spreads his cheeks apart and licks a long strip against Hongseok's hole. He feels Hongseok's knees buckle just for that, so he blows some warm air and alternates it with small kitty laps to tease him. It's when he realizes how ragged Hongseok's breathing is that Shinwon decides to go all out and fuck him with his tongue.
Shinwon runs out of shampoo one Sunday night. It's not like it takes him off guard; he's been adding water to the bottle for a couple of weeks then, hoping to dilute the content. He once tried to use the green tea and white blossoms scented shampoo that Hyunggu bought, but while it smells absolutely fantastic and alluring on his boyfriend, on him it makes him nauseous. The smell is too strong and flowery, so out of place on him. Besides, he's well aware that the bottle is obnoxiously expensive and he has shared a room with Hyunggu for too long not to know he's better off not tempting his wrath.
He could steal any of the other members' shampoo, but their scents would feel even more misshaped, foreign, not his . They would feel weird. And Hongseok put his toiletries in his luggage when he packed for the weekend away at his parents’ house after they had joked around about tinting his hair with purple dye. (Shinwon firmly believes that purple would look amazing on him.)
So he opts to throw the empty bottle away and just sticks to water.
Monday and Tuesday he honestly forgets about buying a new one during his trips to the convenience store for snacks.
Wednesday, he turns to Hyunggu and asks him to lend him a beanie.
"Yeah, take anything from my closet," he says, barely looking up from the notes of his latest composition. "Except the red and black one. That's Seungyounie's."
"Why do you have Seungyoun's stuff?"
"I'm running a scientific experiment." Shinwon snickers. His boyfriend is arts and aesthetics and romance, nothing near to a calculative scientific mind. "I'm testing how much a friendship can endure before it breaks in the name of capitalism."
"You're kidding."
"Yes, I am. Hansolie and I are just messing with and misplacing his stuff, testing how long his oblivious ass can go without realizing it. We're in week 5 and just yesterday he sent a message to the group chat saying he thinks there's a goblin in his house." He laughs. It's contagious. "I brought that beanie home by mistake."
"You are a goblin," Shinwon says, quite impressed, and kisses his temple. Hyunggu smiles, smug, and flutters his eyes closed as he taps on his lips, demanding a kiss there. Shinwon happily obliges.
So, in hindsight, it was Hyunggu's idea.
Despite the slightly convincing speech that Hongseok spilled on him about hitting the gym together, Shinwon waved his hand back and forth and shook his head for emphasis. He has some schedules to work in and in his free time he would appreciate sticking to his routine of lazing around instead of suffering. He has joined his boyfriend before a few times and the only silver lining it has is watching Hongseok’s muscular body in sweaty, slim fitting sportswear.
But Shinwon could just sweet talk his boyfriend into wearing his birthday suit in their bedroom later. And then he could rejoice in those large biceps, maddening abs and round, firm butt without making an ounce of physical work.
Apparently, Hyunggu has a weaker resolve in some topics, because he easily agrees and sneaks a bunch of gym trips in his packed schedule, between the art show filming and the studio practice. When Shinwon comments on it, Hyunggu chuckles and assures him he actually wants to work out.
Shinwon sometimes marvels at how whimsical and frisky life can be. He had never envisioned anything particular for himself, yet it surely wasn’t loving two people who actually enjoy exercising. At least, if Hyunggu’s tiny satisfied smile is anything to go by.
"I know I've said it before, but never expected someone to look so hot on a bench press? All sweaty?" Shinwon knows that look. It's filled with lust and satisfaction and smugness. It’s quite specific. It's the look Hyunggu always has after been fucked out of his mind.
Shinwon groans, grieving for the missed moment. Hyunggu's face is so pretty when he comes hard.
"Was it on the bench?"
Hyunggu scrunches his nose. "What are we? Animals?" Then, after a moment: "The shower."
Shinwon groans again. The only thing better than Hongseok in all his muscular sweaty glory is Hongseok in his muscular naked glory surrounded by a steam of hot water, with droplets falling from his hair down to his pectoralis as he takes the reins of the situation with his calloused hands.
The smirk in Hyunggu’s lips accentuates. "You should shower with him later. He has more stamina and drive today than usual. I came untouched."
Shinwon stutters, warm coiling in his pelvis. Sweet talking his boyfriend sounds like an amazing plan.
However, he doesn't act on it. Hongseok had already showered and he must be quite exhausted after vocal lessons given the tired greeting he throws before sprawling down the couch. Shinwon doesn't want to bother him. He brews him a cup of ginger and honey tea, and kisses him tenderly even when Hongseok jokingly swats him away.
Later, he jerks off to the memories of their last time.
It’s hard not to fall deeply in love whenever Hyunggu laughs, boisterous and mellow, charming. It’s even harder when Hyunggu pulls him closer and whispers “drink with me?” Even if they uncork a wine bottle and pour just one glass while Shinwon sips his soda, because it actually means be with me . Talk to me until the wee hours about everything and nothing, anything, give me inputs in melodies and lyrics, kiss me and make me laugh. And Shinwon obliges, obliges, obliges. He stupidly obliges every time because Hyunggu’s laughter is precious and the pit he’s sliding down into is bottomless.
Someone, maybe Changgu, might have warned him once about tripping from high places. Bruises are the least he would get.
A part of him says this is not the same . The other part believes in worse outcomes.
Hyunggu basks and thrives in the warmth of attention and isn’t scared to ask for it, unlike Shinwon that makes grabby hands at his boyfriend and quickly dismisses it as a joke when Hyunggu lifts an eyebrow and scrunches his nose.
“So greasy,” Hyunggu comments, looking at something above Shinwon’s eyes. Almost unconsciously, he pulls down his beanie.
A sweet, gentle chuckle answers from the doorstep. Shinwon’s heart does a summersault way before his eyes land on Hongseok’s figure. He’s dressed in pristine white and smelling of spice and seabreeze, while holding a paper bag with the Burger King logo and dark grease stains. No dream could be dreamier.
“I knew you’d drag Shinwon to our wine night and I wanted him to have something to enjoy.”
"I thought he could enjoy me ."
Another chuckle comes out from Hongseok's mouth as he hands Shinwon the paper bag and pulls a chair in the space between them. “Well, well. Aren’t your shorts too short?” Hongseok says and slides a hand in between Hyunggu’s thighs. Pointedly, Hyunggu crosses his legs, the fabric rolling higher and exposing more of the smooth white skin.
“I like messing with hyung.” Hyunggu whispers, slowly, deliberately dragging the last syllable. The intonation is the most sensual spell that Shinwon’s ever heard, so it’s quite relatable the way Hongseok’s eyes darken, fixated on the full lips.
Wasting no time, Hongseok leans forward, locking their lips with nothing akin to demure. Soon, he's toppling over, deepening the kiss and squeezing Hyunggu between the chair and his body. Hand still placed on the hem of the other boy's shorts, fingertips not so subtly tracing patterns along the cloth line of the crotch. Hyunggu moans again and again, fully aware of the effect it has on the others.
“You two will be the death of me,” Shinwon says. He shifts awkwardly in his seat, looking for some kind of pressure on his half-hard dick. If he weren’t holding his burger, he would be stroking himself for sure. “My autopsy will be kind of hilarious. Cause of death: blue balls.”
“Better us than those fries.”
“Is this some kind of intervention? Because we all know there are very few things I’m not willing to give up for sex and my daily burger is not one of those.”
Hongseok laughs and shakes his head. “No intervention, not yet. Eat. We'll wait for you." And Shinwon trusts wholeheartedly that Hongseok is enchanting not in his words, but in his actions. In that calm sea tide demeanor, reaching and backing and reaching again a bit more, further, a lot further until you are surrounded, embraced, by it, by him. Quite possibly, drowning in.
And yet, despite the words spoken, as Shinwon pops a fry into his mouth, Hongseok steals Hyunggu's glass, a flirty smirk on his plush lips. The tip of his fingers are still grazing the other's shorts.
The moment Shinwon steps out of the bathroom, Jinho is there. Staring at him. Kind of scrutinizing him.
"It's just that your boyfriend mentioned that…” he says upon seeing Shinwon’s rapid blinking and trails off, biting the inside of his cheek. “Nevermind. You showered."
Shinwon raises his eyebrows, amused at the obvious statement. He has nothing on him except a towel around his hips. "I did. Oh, you want the bathroom? I didn't clean up, give me a sec--"
"Nah, I'm not as picky as your boyfriends. Besides, I just need to pee."
Stepping aside, Shinwon let’s Jinho go in.
Honestly, Shinwon isn't really sure of what he was talking about. Or if he was referring to Hongseok or to Hyunggu—their oldest being really close to both of them. Thankfully, Shinwon knows he's not the jealous type. Otherwise, he guesses he’d have never agreed on opening his relationship and welcoming Hyunggu as their new partner when Hongseok used to babble about how cute the youngest was—and he'd done it a lot, being roommates and working together, essentially spending every living second sharing air. But, sometimes, the stray thought of Jinho seeming Hyunggu and Hongseok's partner more than Shinwon himself pops up in his mind.
Those times, his boyfriends’ hands are his only lifeline. Shinwon holds them and never explains why.
"Take this off, hyung. Take it all off."
Sometimes, when Hyunggu asks, commands him to strip, Shinwon wonders if he should do it down to his bone-deep insecurities or if he should stick to just stripping down to his dermis.
These are his boyfriends. They deserve his honesty.
But then again, these are his boyfriends—and they haven’t caught up on his paper-thin skin.
Just because it isn’t bruised, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
That sole thought nestles in the deep of his mind, next to the long lived thorn.
Always the hot-tempered and oversensitive one, Hyunggu is the first one to stop touching his face. His hands roam his body, tracing nonsensical artistic patterns down his biceps, and his lips kiss his nipples, but that’s all. Not a single mention of the reasons, just a candid hug and a hummed song.
The logic side of his mind acknowledges this as Hyunggu being nice and considered, something akin to an unspoken, undisputed truce. This is Hyunggu, restraining himself one step away from unleashing his strong snarky opinions. This is Hyunggu, trying not to upset him. This is Hyunggu , his boyfriend, trying to be his kindest self to him.
This is Hyunggu, his boyfriend, stepping out of character. Hyunggu, boxing himself into a persona different from the scrawny kid Shinwon spent the best years of his youth with. And for what?
The battered, scarred part of his mind just screams talk with me! Don’t be a stranger. Why, why, why.
Hongseok comes up to him then, scurrying into his arms with the litheness of a weasel–quite impressive for a big buff guy. His eyes resemble the ocean under the moonlight, dark and enchanting, and Shinwon swears he could spend a lifetime drifting into them. Tidal waves and calm streams, equally.
Hongseok’s plush lips graze his cheek, nose and eyes. It’s against his temple that he whispers: “You know you can tell us anything, don’t you?”
Shinwon stills for a fleeting moment. There’s nothing to say. Or maybe there’s a lot. But what bugs his mind is dumb and insignificant against the magnitude of Hongseok and Hyunggu.
“‘s nothing. Just tired. Drained.”
“Long schedule?”
“Long meeting. It felt like forever. I love radio hosting, but sometimes the discussion meetings are too much. If I could skip everything until the good part…” he sighs. Concern sinks in Hongseok’s moonlighted ocean eyes. So to ease the tension, Shinwon gropes his ass and wiggles his eyebrows.
It works. Hongseok laughs and swats his hand away.
“Then rest. I’ll tell the others not to bother you.”
“Nooo, come back. Give me kisses.”
Hongseok laughs again and dutifully pecks his lips. It feels like a silence spell.
When it’s finally brought up, Shinwon shouldn’t be surprised that it’s by Hwitaek. Beyond his giggly shit attention span act, Hwitaek is the most observant and perceptive person he’s ever met.
“What’s up with your hair, man? Do you hold a grudge against the shampoo industry?”
“I am a slob, aren’t I?” Shinwon laughs. It doesn’t sound forced to his own ears, so he trusts it’ll go unnoticed. “I’m trying to make this look trendy.”
Somehow, he forgets about Hwitaek’s producer trained ear. Suddenly, his mocking face morphs into a serious, leader-y like expression that’s been always present when the group faced harsh times. “Shinwon, should I worry?”
Hwitaek looks at him with eagle eyes, careful enough not to frighten him with the strength of his gaze but barely leaving any room for Shinwon to bullshit.
However, they’ve been best friends for years now. It’d be really moronic of him not to learn how to move around.
Biting his inner lip, Shinwon shakes his head. “Don’t, hyung. Please. It's just…. like an experiment.”
“An experiment?” Hwitaek snorts. Then he actually chuckles. “Aren’t you unique… You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, Won-ah. Remember that.”
Shinwon smiles. But also because he’s Shinwon, he blurts: “That’s not quite true in our line of work. You know it.”
And maybe that’s the final nail in the coffin.
Nevertheless, Shinwon puts on lots of perfume to mask it—what is it , he isn’t sure. Maybe the poor state of his hair, maybe the poor state of his confidence.
First, he sprays himself with his own musky perfume. A few days later, he ditches it in favor of Hongseok and Hyunggu’s. Seabreeze and plum blossoms. Warm and embracing.
There’s some sort of comfort in the perfume of others. The reminder of a place to go back to, a smell that soothes the spikes of his anxiety. An intangible caress, bringing some peace of mind.
He sneaks into their rooms and sprays them on him–his wrists, his neck, his hair. He does it for days .
“Hyunggu-yah… ah, sorry, hyung. I thought…” Changgu trails off upon realizing through bleary eyes that it’s Shinwon the only one in the kitchen. He scrunches his nose and sniffs the air again.
"Yah, show some respect for my height. At least call me Hongseok." It's a joke, a really dumb joke. Plain mock offense, because Shinwon gets it. A fragrance is a key part of someone's identity.
At some point during the ride to the radio station, Shinwon wonders if he’s really trying to mask something or if his brain just came up with a way to do a silent ruckus, to create loud overbearing noise without emitting a single word.
Working as a waiter during his trainee days gave Shinwon a lot of knowledge about bruises. Mainly, about the way skin bruises from constant small blows. In the chaos of work, of life, they might go unnoticed.
One day, he found a big giant purple mark in his hip and a coworker explained to him it was caused by the chairs—by the same things they always have to walk around and to work with, yet they always left a trace on them. And the color may fade away, yet the silent pain is there, both numbing and painful.
“When skin hurts to touch, it means your nerves are oversensitive. Or your brain is a little bitch overreacting to stimulus.”
Shinwon believes that the skin remembers what the brain struggles to forget. Just like it remembers the feeling of Hyunggu and Hongseok’s bodies beneath him.
How dreadful of the body to remember more clearly pain than pleasure.
“So, you’re making an experiment?” Hongseok asks after lunch, while they are idly waiting for Hwitaek and Wooseok in the studio to record a demo. There’s more space between them on the couch that Shinwon would like, but he feels too drowsy, the afternoon too lethargic, to move. “Haven’t run out of clean beanies yet?”
“Yep. And nope.”
“What is it about? Can we help?”
Shinwon shrugs. Fluttering his eyes open, he tilts his head towards his boyfriend and takes a deep breath. “Can I blow you?”
Without waiting for a clear answer, he reaches for the door to lock it and crawls back to Hongseok. Wearing a little smug smile and his heart in his sleeve, Shinwon leans down towards Hongseok's crotch area with intention and looks up to his boyfriend, an eyebrow raised in a silent question. They've been together for many years, dutifully learning every like and dislike of each other, every cause and reaction, so the answer’s pretty clear even before Hongseok nods.
With quick, practiced movements, Shinwon unzips Hongseok’s jeans and tugs the fabric down a little, enough to let him mouth Hongseok’s clothed cock. The shiver and the sudden gasp are both the reaction Shinwon expected, so he’s more than pleased when he feels his boyfriend’s cock twitch under his lips. Soon, the white boxer has a large wet patch from his mouthing and licking and precum. It looks like a mess and must be a bit uncomfortable for Hongseok, but Shinwon prides on making Hongseok hard so fast.
Just as Shinwon hooks his finger in the waistband, Hongseok wiggles, eyes darkening with lust and something else. Something akin to a tidal wave, but tender.
"Shinwon. Shinwon, what's…?" he starts, but a moan cuts his sentence short as Shinwon licks his whole length, from head till base. Shinwon licks and licks, following the lines of his pulsating veins with the tip of his tongue, and spits a line of saliva on the head.
“I’ve missed you, hyung,” he whispers against the shaft, warm air sending shivers down Honseok’s spine, before dropping a kiss on his inner thigh. He also doesn’t give Hongseok time to formulate any sort of response.
Pinning Hongseok down with one hand on his hip, he wraps his lips around the tip and sucks. Sucks and licks and sucks again until all Hongseok can mutter is his name in between ragged breaths. With his other hand, Shinwon caresses his balls, massages them with effort, making his boyfriend tremble and squeeze his eyes shut. Hongseok’s perineum is very sensitive, so Shinwon always cares about it during sex, sneaking as many touches as possible when fingering his boyfriend open or eating him out.
After a particularly long moan, Shinwon decides to align himself better and slowly slides down, taking inch after inch until his mouth is full. Full of Hongseok’s big, throbbing cock. Hollowing his cheeks, Shinwon wobbles and sets a steady rhythm, trying to reach further each time.
Soon, Hongseok is trying hard not to buckle, hands fisted in the cushions.
“Won-ah…”
His voice sounds rough and shaken. From his angle, it’s hard for Shinwon to see him, but he can picture the perfect mess. Head tilted back, eyes closed, lips red and swollen from biting back his noises.
Come in my mouth, hyung , he hums.
Choking himself in someone’s cock is something Shinwon only does for Hongseok and Hyunggu, well aware of how the others love the tightness around the head when they touch the back of his throat. He’s not a fan of gagging, but the delight in his boyfriends’ faces when they orgasm makes it worth it.
Intimacy is nothing but a nurturance of trust and acceptance, after all.
That’s why, at some point, Shinwon wonders if he is being somehow unfair. In their own ways, they all break. Everyone has insecurities. He has helped his boyfriends to work in theirs plenty of times. They shouldn't have to figure it out.
Hongseok moans loudly when he comes down his throat. Never touches his hair.
“Shinwon oppa, you’re my favorite employed unemployed uncle,” Shinwon reads the comment popping out of the blue and laughs louder than he should do on the radio. His laughter is filled with sincerity , his glee is real and it baffles him for long moments.
It’s not the joke that bothers him, he discovers.
It’s the way that it’s finally writing him in history.
By enhancing a part of him. A part of him that could potentially set him apart from the rest, but also drift his lovers away.
Never thought being unique could feel this lonely.