Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Fish
"No Jim, we can't put other fish on the hook, that's cannibalism."
Jim Moriarty's lips formed a pout. "I don't see what's so bad about cannibalism, but I can use a swordfish if you're so opposed. They don't swim around in the Lake District do they?"
Two days ago Seb was trying (and failing) at distracting Jim from his experiment on whether underwater mammals could survive in blood, and consequently a number of dead goldfish, koi and tropical butterfly fish (all suspiciously tinged scarlet) ended up in their back garden. The neighbour's cat had a field day.
Jim let out an exasperated sigh. "Why can't you just shoot one? You're a sniper. Shouldn't you be good at it by now? God knows I've given you enough live target practice..."
"The chances of me shooting a healthy fresh-water fish is completely minuscule, this isn't Pirates of the Caribbean." A pause. "It's a film." Another pause. "This drunken pirate, named Jack Sparrow, supposedly stayed in the tropical waters for three days and three nights, and then…I'm getting off track aren't I." A slow mocking nod from Jim.
"Please Seb! Think of it as a present celebrating my birth into this world."
"Don't people usually have birthdays for that?"
"Well, I can be like the Queen, or Paddington Bear. Yes, I'll be one of three people in the world - two if you disregard the fictional talking bear from Peru - who have two birthdays. I'm special."
"You're sure special, Jim." Seb mumbled under his breath, but Jim only gave a scathing look in response before inquiring about supplies.
"Supplies? Well, I've brought with me some entertainment, food and drink - yes, I did bring the trifle you made, even with the dead pigeon layer between the jam and whipped cream - though why you thought to bring a taser I have no ide-!" The plastic device sank even as it discharged 8,000 volts into Bassenthwaite Lake. Ominous bubbles rose to the surface and popped before hundreds of unfortunate crustaceans, fish and mammals were bobbing on their sides.
Seb turned in disbelief before sighing in that special way that only John and him knew, the sound that showed the world their undying part-exasperation part-fondness.
"Well, the rangers'll have a grand day explaining this tomorrow."