Chapter Text
Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers
And things are not what they seem.
Boom-boom, boom-boom...
There are so many things making that same sound around him as he comes to. The most urgent is the one that’s coming from inside himself to that exact beat.
Boom-boom, boom-boom...
Everything is blurry and there’s an extremely noticeable and persistent pain in his eyes from all the blood that’s spilled into them. He’d try to do something about that but his initial instinct to wipe at them with his hands it out of the question. There’s just as much blood on them and they have the added problem of being covered in earth and burnt debris.
The air smells like burning. It’s burning flesh, burning metal and smoke. He’s on an empty field… except it’s not actually empty. He’s just the only life in the short area that he can see. Still, he moves forward, hoping that there might be someone on the other side of this steep slope that he’s crawling up with his painfully raw forearms and elbows. He needs help and he’s not so sure he’s going to get it. He’s not sure there is anyone alive to give it to him. For all he can tell, he’s the only person alive. That is, if you consider this agonizing, caked-in-his-own-blood and hardly able to move state alive. Right now, he doesn’t.
“Hey!” he’s pretty sure that voice isn’t inside of his head, “Hey, I found one! A survivor! He needs- wow- I need some medi-gel now!”
A bunch of blurs come around him and something that’s a contradictory combination of painful and soothing starts hitting places where he can feel the booming feeling the hardest on his body. By the time a couple arms start looping around his limbs, it’s too much for him to take anymore. His body is urging him to scream but he can’t even get his broken shell to do that.
He passes out.
When he wakes up again, things are different. The pain is dull in comparison to what it was before but he can’t move; not much anyway. Even his neck is restrained. The stinging blood is out of his eyes and the acrid smell of burning is replaced with chemicals- most likely medicine. There’s still that dark brown taste in his mouth. It makes him wonder what the hell he’s had lately that could have festered enough to feel like something died in there.
“This one didn’t have his tags on when we found him.” A voice says. He can’t see who it is. They have him tied up like... like something he’s too tired to try and come up with an analogy for.
A face is in front of his. It’s disconcerting enough that he starts, causing his body to jump and instantly regret the movement. He groans and the feeling that responds in his throat is one he’d be happy never feeling again. “Sir, can you hear me? Can you understand, me?” He opens his mouth to respond but his vocal cords are so damn raw and his lungs hurt in so many different ways that he ends up going into a coughing fit that ends with him retching. His body hates him and, right now, he’s pretty damn sure he hates his body right back.
“Calm down, soldier. I’m going to take that as a yes on the hearing and comprehending.” The voice isn’t familiar but he knows a human voice when he hears it. That means the Alliance got him. That means there’s a good chance that there’s more than a handful of people alive other than him.
Thank God.
“I’m about to give you something for the pain. It also is going to knock you out for a bit. Don’t be alarmed when the drowsiness kicks in, do you copy?”
He nods this time, learning from the past mistake. There’s pressure in his arm and everything starts to go hazy again. This time it doesn’t feel like a bad thing. With nothing better to do, he rests and listens to the conversation happening not far from him.
“Someone want to tell me what the hell happened out there?”
“As far as we can tell, Commander Shepard did it. He actually beat the Reapers. He went into the Citadel, started up the Crucible and destroyed the synthetic bastards.”
“And the Commander? Where is he now?”
“We... we believe he didn’t make it, ma’am.”
“Do we have teams out there actually looking for him? That man saved our hides, the least we can do is make sure he’s not out there, hanging on by a thread, waiting for us.”
“Ma’am, we’ve been doing sweeps of the area, non-stop. If Commander Shepard was out there, we would’ve found him by now. These two are the last we’ve found in the last few hours of searching for any survivors.”
“And we haven’t ID’d either of them? Why not?”
“After that blast of energy from the Crucible, most of our devices were destroyed with the synthetics. The few engineers we have in the area had to struggle with the scrap to make the gear we’re using in this makeshift med facility. It’s like we’ve regressed almost two centuries.”
“More than two centuries.” Someone grunts.
“I used to have a VI that looked like the guy. This one definitely isn’t him. And this one’s too banged up in the face to be recognizable by his own family. Here’s hoping he’s out there somewhere, Serviceman. The galaxy owes that man a whole Hell of a lot and he deserves to be around to get it. Have we found out what happened to the Normandy, yet?”
“No ma’am. They were the only ship to try and reach the rendezvous point before it was severely damaged that failed report in. Considering how all of our ships are in horrible shape or are just floating borderline inoperational in orbit, it’s the general belief that Major Alenko, Flight Lieutenant Moreau and the crew aboard died in transit to the rendezvous point.”
“Damn. Doesn’t look like this one’s gonna get wrapped up with a happy little bow, does it?”
There’s a sigh.
“No, ma’am. No, it doesn’t.”
Things seem to go quiet after that point. Maybe it’s because of the meds in his system. It might just be the crushing pressure of grief on his chest at the loss of even more people he’s cared for. As he closes his eyes and gives in to the urge to sleep pulling at his skull, all he can think about is one thing:
This is like the colony disaster all over again... except worse.
~
You know what sucks?
A lot of stuff sucks right now, actually. Well, you know what sucks more than having huge ass robots tear apart all the advanced civilizations of the galaxy? And crash landing what might possibly the best ship in existence after the possibly most courageous man to ever exist sacrifices himself to save said galaxy? There aren’t many things on that list but Joker knows what one of them is.
It’s experiencing all that and losing your girlfriend in the process.
He’s trying to focus on getting a full damage report but it’s really goddamn hard to do for two big reasons. The first is that, whatever the Commander did, it fried practically every system the Normandy’s got. It’s taking a whole lot more than rerouting what reserve power they have to figure anything out. Joker might be better getting out and checking manually.
The second is, well, fighting every instinct to look over into co-pilot’s seat where the lifeless body of EDI is slumped forward. Yeah, he knows a lot of people would say a lifeless synthetic is redundant. Right now, if anyone said anything like that, they’d get a M-3 Predator shoved in their face and the pilot isn’t all that sure he could stop himself from pulling the trigger.
Good thing, with all systems down, the door to the cockpit is essentially locked. Major Alenko came knocking, saying he was going to knock the whole thing down with his biotics. Joker just told the Spectre to stand down and put his abilities to somewhere that needs them ‘cause he’s fine and busy. It’d also keep people from coming in and giving him the “are you okay?” question that he so does not want to deal with right now.
“Yanno,” Joker says out loud, “This would go a whole lot easier if you were helping.”
He knows his co-pilot isn’t going to respond. Still, he pauses and waits like there’s a small chance that EDI might just pop right back up and say something.
“Once we get back, I think I’ll finally give in and take those bullfighting lessons, whaddaya think?”
The same silence is the response as he finishes playing with the wires that (he hopes) will plug in the power from the back-up drives of the Tantalus core to the primary systems and give him a little more light and a lot more control. He does his best to not mind the quiet. He even tries to imagine what EDI would say on how he’s working to fix everything. Knowing her, she’d point out how he was doing it wrong while she puts the finishing touches on the way she finds to be the most efficient. Way to make a guy feel like he’s back in the year 2000. Gotta love that Enhanced Defense Intelligence AI.
Well, he does love her.
His thoughts get pulled away from a bad mental place to be when the SSV Normandy hums as it wakes up from its slumber. Just a few seconds later, the cockpit fills with amber light and the door behind him lights up, starting out with the red circle in the square that flickers before finally becoming the usual green. With a sigh of relief, he shoves the wires back into the space and closes the panel back up with the metal square that’s supposed to be there. After climbing back into his seat, he pulls up the comm and gives everyone onboard a quick briefing while he finally checks the state of the the ship.
“Uh, hey guys, gals and Lieutenant Vega. As you can tell, I’ve got us back online but we’re running on backup power that’s supposed to be for the engine. So... gonna need some help getting this bad girl back to flying shape before we run out of this and gotta do everything else. Completely in the dark. As of now...” just in time, his handy-dandy damage report pops up, “IES Stealth Systems are completely shot but, if the Reapers are really gone, I don’t think we need to worry about hiding from anyone; no big deal there. The FTL drives are functional but are gonna need some serious tweaking to get them back to where we need ‘em. The multi-core shielding is practically useless right now but I’m guessing Tali can do something about that since she’s the one who suggested us getting them in the first place.”
He sighs when he gets to the big stuff, “What needs the most attention- and is what’s gonna keep us from getting airborne right away is that, for some reason, the fusion plant isn’t transferring power to any of the systems, despite this scan saying that it’s running perfectly. There’s also, yanno, the huge breaches in the hull that are gonna be a little bit of a problem in the vacuum of space, if we ever get there. Major Alenko, if you wanna come up here, I can give you a more detailed report on what needs to be done to get us back on our feet. Considering you were the first Normandy’s Staff Lieutenant, you probably know better than I will who’d be best at doing what.”
He looks over at EDI once again and sighs as he scrubs his hands over his scruffy face. “Yeah. That’s it for now. Get us back home and I’ll pay for the first round at the first bar we find.” The if there are any bars actually left in the galaxy right now gets left out on purpose, though he really wants to add it. He’s got morale to think about. Or something. He doesn’t know; it’s just hard to be funny at this point in time.
The door clicks and slides open. It’s Kaidan, as Joker expected. He doesn’t say anything right away so Joker turns to see what’s the hold up. He’s got that look on his face. That “I’m sorry for your loss and I really don’t know what to say about it” look. That goddamn look is the reason why Joker didn’t want anyone coming up to the cockpit in the first place. Everything is hard enough without that look.
Still, he allows it from Alenko and starts going in on what needs to be done like nothing’s even happening. He allows it because, considering what happened back on Earth with Shepard, he should be giving Kaidan the same look right back.
~
Kaidan trusts Joker, he really does, but the Spectre can’t help but think through all the possible outcomes and how there’s just as much probability that all their work isn’t enough- that they’ll be stuck here even longer. He needs to say something to the crew but saying what he’s thinking isn’t exactly going to be the best thing for morale.
You can’t just pull out a good, old fashioned, “it’ll be alright,” can you?
Kaidan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. This is not the time for Shepard’s words to get stuck in his head. Yeah, they’re relevant to what’s going on but... they still hurt. They hurt more than the last time he was in this position. He isn’t even sure how that’s possible- last time he wasn’t prepared for the Collector attack that led to him dying; this time Kaidan knew exactly what John was doing and that the chances of him returning were slim to none. It still hurt like a son of a bitch but he knew it.
“Uh... Major?”
Joker’s voice over the comm isn’t very alarming but it makes it hard to not notice how quiet everything is in the Captain’s Cabin. Kaidan sighs, “Go ahead, Joker.”
“In theory, we’re ready to shove off. You wanna get the crew up to speed on what we learned earlier before we try? I mean, if the Tantalus drive ends up going nuts and burning us all to death, at least they’ll know why and where we are, right?”
Kaidan shakes his head and gives the best laugh he could manage (which wasn’t much of one at all) as he leans forward, “Yeah, patch me in.”
There’s a small click and Joker speaks again, “Alright, ready whenever.”
The Spectre takes a deep breath and starts in, “For the last few hours, our helmsman and I have been working to gather intel on our current situation, now that we’ve repaired the ship enough to get things up and running. We’ve tried to do scans to find the nearest comm buoy and we can’t find anything. In fact, we did a scan with the highest parameters we could manage and couldn’t find a single comm buoy. This leads us to believe that we’re either in uncharted space with no relay for light years or, the more likely answer, whatever happened with the Crucible destroyed the Mass Relays.”
He shifts a little so that he’s resting on his elbows and continues, “Now, without that as a reference, we had to use old star charts and cross reference them against what we see over our heads. It wasn’t exactly easy work but we’ve come to believe we’re on a planet in the Alpha Centauri system. We’re not sure if it’s the same one as that ‘lost colony’ that you might’ve heard about but considering we haven’t seen hide nor hair of them, I don’t think all that matters.
“From the information we pulled from being stationary and running the systems over the last two days, we’ve learned that it’s been about five Earth-days since our initial crash. If this test we’re about to try goes well, we’ll be back in space and flying home shortly. This system is about four and a quarter light years away from the Sol system so we should be back to Earth within a day. I want to thank you all for your hard work on getting everything up and running again. And... here’s hoping everything goes as planned from this point on.”
And that there’s something left on Earth when they get there. Again, something he wants to say but knows better than to say. Alenko closes the channel and sits back in the chair, looking at all the ship replicas. Before, he found the collection amusing. It showed another side of John that few really got to see: sometimes, when the Commander had time to relax, he let his inner child take over. Hell, this whole cabin spoke volumes about Shepard’s personality: the way it stayed spotless despite how stressed the man was and how, even with the universe on the line, the man still had time to take care of his fish.
That train of thought reminded Kaidan that he’d forgotten to feed the damn things himself. As the engines warm up and the Normandy takes off, away from the planet, he quickly does. Then he lies back on the bed, staring up at the metal ceiling. The sheets still smelled like John and that was just enough comfort to get him to doze.
He’s not sure how long he managed to sleep but it’s enough time that, when he wakes up, he wants to hurry up and forget what he’d been dreaming about. It’s the sound of Joker’s voice that pulls him away from it all.
“Major?”
Kaidan sits up and runs his hands through his hair, “Yeah, Joker, I’m up.”
“Good,” Joker responds with a little less solemnly that he’s been lately but he’s still not quite his normal self, “we’re just outside of Earth’s orbit. I tried contacting Vancouver and, when I finally got someone, they redirected me to London.”
Kaidan gets off the bed and starts trying to actually fix his hair and uniform, “And?”
“And...” the pilot extends the word for suspense in a way that would be annoying normally and is borderline infuriating right now. Specialist Traynor chooses that moment to chime in, making it clear that they’re both in this together. “I have Admiral Hackett on the line. He wants to speak with you in the Comm Room in the CIC.”
Kaidan is out the door and in the elevator faster than he’s ever been before. His hair is messed up in the back from sleeping but the Admiral will just have to excuse that bit of untidiness. He makes his way down to the Combat Information Center, through the War Room and up to the Vid Comm in record time. The Major lets go of the breath he wasn’t consciously aware he was holding when the holographic projection of Hackett forms in front of him.
The Admiral’s shoulders sag slightly- not enough to make it all seem informal but enough for anyone who has been front of the man many times before to notice. Apparently Kaidan isn’t the only one relieved here. “It’s good to see you’re in one piece, Major Alenko.”
Kaidan salutes with a small smile, “The same goes for you, sir. We’re pretty banged up but we’re operational. Tell us where we’re needed and we’ll head straight there.”
Hackett brings a hand up to his own chin and rubs the front of it with his thumb, “Mostly what we’re trying to do now is get in contact with all our bases here. After that, we need to check on the colonies, though we won’t be able to get to most right away with the Mass Relays down. Trying to get a headcount of the human race isn’t going to be easy until we figure out a way around that. Perhaps your Prothean crew member will be able to help with that.”
Kaidan shakes his head, “Javik is a soldier, not a scientist.”
The Admiral crosses his arms and sighs, “But he and Doctor T’Soni are still our best resources when it comes to all things Prothean. He might not be able to remake the work of the Conduit on Ilos but he can translate what things we’ve learned from Mars better than anyone else. We might’ve won but now the galaxy needs to see what we can do to recover. I need you to come here to London. Bring Javik, T’Soni and Lieutenant Vega to us. Drop off any crew you don’t need to run the ship as well. Having all hands on deck for the rebuilding effort is worth the Normandy operating with a skeleton crew. After that, I want you to check in with the Houston base. They’re the only ones who are still completely silent when we try to make contact.”
Kaidan nods and salutes, “Yes, Admiral.”
“Oh and Kaidan?”
Alenko tilts his head slightly, “Yes, Admiral?”
The man is smiling. It’s a definite change of pace. “For your work against the Reapers and managing to bring the Normandy and its crew home in one piece, I want to be the first to congratulate you on your promotion from Major to General and the Commanding Officer of the SSV Normandy SR-2.”
Kaidan’s mouth hangs open for longer than is socially acceptable before he finally finds something to say. “I-I... Admiral, really, I don’t deserve this. I’m not even qualified; most of what was done was Shep-”
“I know who did what, General Alenko,” Hackett interjects, “But, with current events, we need a face for what happened at the end of this war. While the late Commander Shepard’s sacrifice will be given the proper acknowledgement, we need someone to keep his legacy going. Considering how often he once told me he couldn’t have done any of this without you, I don’t see anyone more fitting to carry the torch. When everything is back in order and the Alliance is properly back on its feet, we’ll find you a suitable replacement as CO and get you back in charge of your Spec Ops team and probably a few others. Until then, it’s little more than a formality. I don’t think you’ll be fighting any more battles any time soon.”
The late Commander Shepard’s sacrifice.
Kaidan swears his heart stopped for a moment when he heard those words. It’s official, then. He’s gone. He’s dead.
General Alenko straightens up and salutes again, “Thank you, Admiral. I hope to...” his voice starts to waver so he stops and steels himself to start again, “I hope to do his memory proud, sir.”
Hackett nods and gives the same smile from before, “I’m sure that you will. Hackett out.”
As soon as the Admiral’s form blinks out, Kaidan grabs hold of the metal poles that line the area and puts all of his weight on them as he leans forward, dropping his head to look down at his boots. He needs a moment to collect himself. After that, he’ll put his game face back on and tell the crew the news.
How John ever managed to do this so easily, Kaidan may never know.