Chapter Text
“All secrets become deep. All secrets become dark. That’s the nature of secrets.”
I lay awake in bed as the howling wind blows sleet, and snow against the rattling window pane. The door slowly opens. The harsh sound of partying intrudes into my sanctuary and ugly yellow light illuminates my room. I see him, silhouetted in that light before he closes the door, and flips the lock. His heavy footfalls shake the floor. He walks to my bed and stands, motionless and silent, towering over me. I don’t move. I hold my breath, hoping he'll leave me alone if he thinks I’m asleep.
But he never does.
He pulls his t-shirt over his head and tosses it aside. I get a whiff of his cologne, and the familiar sinking feeling returns. I know what’s coming. It’s pointless to struggle or fight. I can’t get away from him; even if I could, I’d have nowhere to go. I hear the clink of his belt buckle, then the snap, then the zipper. These are all sounds I know well. The mattress dips when he sits down to remove his boots and socks. I listen as he slides his jeans and underwear off, and then I feel hot breath against my ear.
“Make room,” he whispers.
I scoot over and he stretches out next to me. My heart begins to pound. I can hear its galloping rhythm in my ears. It rattles my skull. I close my eyes tightly. Sweat breaks out all over my body. I notice a metallic taste in my mouth.
There’s nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide.
And then it begins.
His hand comes to rest on my chest, fingers splaying out over my skin as he slides it down to my stomach. His lips brush against my neck. He tugs at the band of my boxer briefs.
“Take these off.”
I don’t want to, but I do. I always do what he tells me to. I slide my underwear down and kick them away. He kneels over my thighs, the tips of his fingers brushing around my nipples. A cold chill slithers up my spine and my body shudders. He chuckles.
“Quit acting like you don’t like it.”
I don’t like it. I will never like it.
He braces himself on his hands, panting as he ruts against me like a mindless animal. I feel sick. His teeth latch onto my earlobe.
“Come on. Don’t just lay there,” he whispers.
My hands shake and I wrap my arms around him, gripping his slim hips. I force myself to move, rocking my groin against his.
“Yeah,” he urges. “Like that.”
He’s drunk. I can smell alcohol on his breath and skin. He’s probably high too. He never does this to me when he’s sober. He suddenly stops moving. I freeze. He scoots off me and lays down beside me. He takes my hand and pulls it across his body, guiding it to his hard cock.
“Touch me.”
I shudder again with repulsion as I begin stroking him. His hand moves up my thigh and wraps around my cock. I can’t stop myself from getting hard. It just happens.
“See, you like it.”
I don’t like it. I will never like it.
We lay there in the darkness, side by side, crowded into my twin bed. His breath hitches and he moans. A pleasurable sensation rolls through my belly. I hate my body. I hate the way it reacts like this when it shouldn’t. My cock gets even harder, and he rakes his thumb through the precum leaking from the tip.
“Oh, yeah! You want it don’t you?”
I don’t want it. I will never want it.
I wish I was strong enough to throw him off. I wish I was brave enough to tell him to stop, but what the fuck would be the point? He’ll do whatever he wants. If only he would let me toss him off, but I know he won’t. It’s never that easy. He releases my cock and grabs a handful of my hair, yanking hard.
“Why don’t you get down here and suck me?”
I know I can’t do it.
I know I have to do it.
Trembling all over, I sit up next to him and scoot down in the bed. He opens his legs and guides me to kneel between them. Maybe if I’m good enough, I can bring him off this way. As much as the thought of a mouthful of his cum repulses me, it’s infinitely better than the alternative. I want to hide in my head. I want to slip out of my body and leave it there, working on autopilot but I can’t. I have to make it good for him. If I do, he might spare me the misery.
I hold the base of his cock and guide it into my mouth. I try to breathe through my nose, but the musky scent of male hormones sickens me. As his cock slides along my tongue, I close my lips around it and begin to suck. I can taste his precum, salty and slightly bitter. I fight against my body’s natural urge to vomit. He grips my head between his hands and holds me still while he fucks my mouth. This is awful. Tears spring into my eyes while I gag and fight for breath.
My jaw starts to ache. He moves faster, the head of his cock bumping against the back of my throat. I’m scared I’m going to vomit. That would piss him off. He’s moaning so loud that I hope his friends will hear him and come to see what’s going on. I always wish for that, but it never happens. I’m sure they all know, but they don’t say shit. They’re scared of him.
“Fuck!” he gasps. “Use your tongue!”
I flick my tongue against his cock, gliding it around and over the head. I know he likes that. He grips harder, his fingers tangling tightly in my hair. He’s getting close. That’s good. I suck harder, despite the pain in my jaw, the gagging sensation, and the near suffocation from lack of air, but it’s for nothing. He’s on to me. He knows what I’m trying to do, and he quickly pulls out of my mouth.
“Turn over.”
I sink into despair. There will be no getting out of it tonight. There never is. I don’t know why I always hope. I swallow the last lingering taste of him in my mouth and turn over, resigning myself to it. There’s nothing I can do. He gets out of bed and picks up his jeans. He’s getting a condom. Then the drawer of my bedside table opens, and he begins rummaging through it, looking for the bottle of lotion I use when I jerk off. I tried to hide it once, but he got mad and punched me. I won’t make that mistake again.
He grabs my pillow, rolls it up, then tugs on my hips. I lift for him and he shoves it beneath me. All I can do is lay there, listening to him ripping open the condom. He slicks it on. The next sound I hear is the cap popping on the lotion bottle. He drizzles it on my lower back, then tosses the bottle aside. His hands slide through the lotion, spreading it up over my back, then down across my ass cheeks. His thumbs come together and slide along the crack of my ass.
I bite my tongue and hide my face in my crossed arms. I feel so humiliated and degraded. He circles a finger around my hole, and the other hand reaches up beneath me, pulling my cock down between my legs. He jerks me off as he teases me with that finger, putting just the tip inside me. Even though I know it’s coming, I still jump in shock when he suddenly shoves it in. He straddles one of my legs so he can rub off on my thigh. I try to think about something else, anything else. I pretend this isn’t happening and that it’s just a nightmare.
But it’s not.
“You like that finger up your ass?”
I don’t answer, trying to hold onto the last little bit of self-respect I have, but he won’t allow it. He lets go of my cock, and grabs my balls, squeezing relentlessly. I cry out in pain and clench my teeth.
“Answer me! Tell me you like my finger up your ass!”
My pride breaks. I give in, but it’s not a victory for him. He knows I will.
“Yes!” I gasp, squirming painfully beneath him.
“Say it. Tell me you like it!”
“I like your finger up my ass,” I reply, my voice muffled against the mattress.
“That’s better,” he mumbles as he shoves a second finger inside me. “Don’t piss me off.”
What’s new? He’s always pissed off. I know he wants me to ask him why, but I don’t want to talk to him. I want this misery to end. I want him to finish.
“You and Mum lay around on your dead asses while I work like a damn dog. She’s nothing but a fucking meth-head whore and you just wanna play video games and screw your Asian boyfriend. I should let you both sink!”
He pulls his fingers out of me and kneels between my legs. I bite down on my thumb and wait for the agony I know is coming. He picks up the bottle of lotion and slicks his cock with it, then throws it across the room. He braces himself over me on one arm, holding his cock as he gets into position. I try to relax my body, but my anxiety is making that impossible. I feel him penetrating me, and then the sharp jolt of pain hits. He never gives me time to adjust. I cry out again as he shoves his cock in, bottoming out.
I don’t want to do it. I try not to do it, but it always happens. I start crying, begging, and pleading with him to stop. His hand clamps over my mouth, and he puts his weight down on me. I feel his breath ghost over my neck, his chest, slick with sweat sliding against my back.
“Cry like the little girl you are.”
It doesn’t matter what he says. I’m used to the taunts and abuse. He puts his hands on my shoulder blades, shoving me flat against the mattress as he thrusts into me.
“Spoiled little brat! I give you everything! Why is this so much to ask?”
I’m not crying anymore. I’m not begging. I lay quietly and wait for it to be over. Just like I always do. But like always, he wants more. He wants satisfaction and he knows how to get it. He pulls out and grabs my hips, flipping me over onto my back.
“Don’t! Please!” I beg, trying to twist away from him.
He doesn’t like that, and I know better, but I can’t help it. My instinct for self-preservation is still too strong. He draws back and punches me, his fist connecting with my jaw. I see stars and nearly black out but that would have been a blessing and I’m not getting out of this.
“You don’t tell me no!”
He shoves my knees back against my chest and clamps his hand over my mouth again as he thrusts into me. I scream but it comes out muffled against his hand. The pain is so bad. I should just lay still and give in to it. Why do I always panic like this? It doesn’t help anything. He leans down and kisses my cheek.
“Stop fighting. You know what I want. Give it to me.”
He takes his hand away from my mouth and reaches for my hand, guiding it down over my stomach.
“Touch it.”
The rest of my pride dissolves and I do as he asks. I take myself in hand and began stroking. I close my eyes and concentrate on that sensation. He leans down over me again and brushes his lips against my neck, kissing his way up to my mouth. His tongue slides across my lower lip. I hate that even more than his cock inside me.
“Kiss me.”
I don’t want to.
But I do it anyway.
I open my mouth and let him fuck it with his tongue. He has all of me. I’m his and he knows it. He knocks my hand away, replacing it with his. He wants to own everything, but at this point I no longer care. There’s a little bit of light coming from beneath the crack in my bedroom door. I see him, looking down at me. I picture those big blue eyes staring at me in the darkness. He grips my cock tighter, squeezing the tip and rubbing his thumb firmly over the head. My hips jerk up and he thrusts deeper into me. It’s a paradox of pain and pleasure that confuses and confounds me. Damn my body! It’s going to give him what he wants. I can’t stop it. I curl up on myself as my orgasm hits. Wave after wave of exhilarating pleasure surges through me and I come hard.
“There it is. Fuck I can feel it. I can smell it!”
He thrusts especially hard into me, lifting my hips off the bed, and cries out. I feel his cock pulsing inside me. He collapses against me, and we lay here panting. I put my arms around him. My hands come to rest on his shoulders, and I hold him tightly.
I hate him.
I love him.
*****************************************************************************************
“Ben, are you gonna hit this with us?” James shouts, banging on my bedroom door.
“Yeah, give me a second.”
“The hell are you doing?” James asks.
“Talking to my brother, you nosy cunt! Fuck off!”
He sits up on the side of the bed, pulls the condom off, and tosses it into the trash can, then picks up his jeans and gets his cigarettes. There’s a flash of light as he flicks on his lighter and lights the cigarette. I smell tobacco smoke and wish he would offer me one, but he doesn’t. I lay here cold and naked as he gets dressed. He walks out of my room without saying a word and closes the door behind him.
I should be used to it by now. That’s how it always goes. I pull the blanket over me and turn over on my side, curling up and closing my eyes. I tell myself it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow we’ll both act like it never happened. Nothing will change. Nothing ever changes in our miserable lives. We are poor. We will always be poor. I will never get out of this town. I will never get out of this trailer park.
I will never get away from him.