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It’s been five days since Itsuki started staying with Fuyu and her daughter, Tsuki. While Tsuki did at times wonder where her papa has gone, the undeniable fact is that breakfasts and dinners taste much better, and her mama sticks around a lot more. In fact, Tsuki can’t remember the last time her mama showed such a relaxed face to anyone other than to herself, and for the longest time, she even believed that it was a face Mama never showed to adults, not even to her papa.
But Itsuki-chan has proven her wrong. Mama tries hard to bite down her lips from forming a smile when Tsuki caught Itsuki-chan for the fifth time in a row tonight during their game of hide and seek, meaning that not only has she won a piggyback ride up to her room; she also gets a whopping twenty pages of story reading before bed!
Itsuki-chan is so weak at hide and seek! Tsuki smiles to herself happily as she takes a glance at Mama, who must be thinking the same thing. Mama may be able to suppress a smile, but the usually furrowed eyebrows now form a doting curve that betrays the poker face she is trying to maintain.
Mama is so beautiful, Tsuki nods to herself. That’s why Itsuki-chan loves Mama so much, just like Tsuki.
“Tsuki-chan, don’t give Itsuki too much trouble and get settled for bed soon, okay? She has work tomorrow too.” Mama gently chides Tsuki, who only answers with a ‘yes’ casually as her mind is fully occupied already with climbing up Itsuki’s back.
“It’s okay.” Itsuki answers as Tsuki feels herself rise up, up and away. She reaches her tiny hand out and figures out she can finally touch the crystal-like decoration of the ceiling lamp in front of her, which appears so high up and mysterious normally. “Tsuki-chan is such a good girl.” She feels herself bounce slightly as Itsuki-chan adjusts her position. “Besides, can’t you remember that I carried you often, even up and down hills, when you were obviously much larger than Tsuki-chan th…”
Itsuki-chan’s voice trails off like she’s revealed a secret she shouldn't tell, but Tsuki has no care for the atmosphere that might have cooled between the adults.
“Itsuki-chan gives Mama piggyback rides as well?” She gasps in wonder and asks delightfully. “Hey hey, I want to see it too! I want to see Mama ride Itsuki-chan!”
“Itsuki…!” Mama looks accusingly at Itsuki-chan with her loud hush, but Tsuki has seen enough to know she is not truly angry. Instead her mama’s cheeks are flushed in red as she starts playing with her hair, a little habit that Tsuki discovers Mama does a lot more of lately.
She can’t quite see Itsuki-chan’s face, but she bets her round eyes are now wide and darting around haplessly.
“Ne…Itsuki-chan?” Tsuki tries again by nudging the shoulders of her new best friend.
With a slight pause, Itsuki-chan starts walking towards the stairs quickly. Ha!~~ Itsuki-chan chooses to escape!
“Only if Tsuki-chan behaves really really well, and makes many many friends at school—then I will show you.” She answers quickly as she speeds up, ignoring the complaining calls from Mama as they both ascend to the safety of her room upstairs. Itsuki-chan lets out a loud ‘phew’ as she plops Tsuki down into her bed, causing the little girl to giggle at her big friend’s wimpiness.
Itsuki-chan may be scared of Mama, but she has her ways! Really, Itsuki-chan is Tsuki’s favorite!
—----------------------------------------------
Itsuki is too gentle for her own good. Fuyu sighs as she closes the lid of her laptop, finally done with the weekly report to Vincent as the clock ticks towards midnight.
Tsuki-chan is probably fast asleep, linking hands with Itsuki by her side…she wonders as she rubs her eyes. Her girl has completely fallen in love with Itsuki. She’s never seen Tsuki-chan take a liking to someone so quickly, and maybe, that’s a testament of how nice of a person Itsuki always has been.
Or, simply, that Tsuki-chan is Hayashi Fuyu’s daughter, and both of their weaknesses are Harumoto Itsuki.
After a bit of cleanup and changing, Fuyu went into their bedroom and found not just Tsuki-chan under the covers, but Itsuki also asleep beside her, still wearing her lounge clothes. That idiot is going to catch a cold! Fuyu thought as she went to retrieve a blanket from the drawer to drape on top of the woman that she hasn’t shared a roof, let alone a bed with, for the past five years.
And here she is, sneakily wading her way back into her life.
She knows that these few days, or rather, the time since they met again, has not been easy on Itsuki. She’s just very good at making a calm face, despite all the unreasonable things Fuyu has put her through at work. Her petty brand of revenge… Fuyu smiled sadly to herself, recalling how much worse she felt when she saw Itsuki’s despaired face whenever she had a chance to belittle or humiliate her. Added on to that, she’s thrown Itsuki into a situation she did not anticipate—that of Kouu’s sudden disappearance and the chaos to the household this brought.
Yet this has somehow led the supposedly treacherous Itsuki into the life she wasn’t meant to be part of, to smile brightly as she cleaned up her house and prepared bentos for the child her ex has with another person. What is going on in her mind? How could her heart take all this? She looks at the faint dark circles forming under her ex’s eyes even as she makes the most innocent face in her sleep. Sitting beside her as quietly as possible, she brushes the locks away from her cheek and studies her face. Itsuki is tired.
Is she happy now? Fuyu allows herself to finally ask this question. In all the years she spent weeping herself to sleep, she could never let go of Itsuki’s pitying face as she stood by Aoyama’s side, mocking Fuyu’s inability to provide her with what she needed– a ‘normal’ life. That’s why she ‘wasn’t enough’. And so, she just asked herself repeatedly– how? How could she make her ex’s ‘normal’ life miserable?
But looking at this lonely, tiresome face, and remembering the forlorn looks that she’s given her these past weeks, Fuyu can’t help but feel that Itsuki is miserable enough even without Fuyu stepping into her life.
As if sensing Fuyu’s thoughts, Itsuki stirred a little in her sleep and furrowed her eyebrows, probably upset by something in her dreams. Fuyu traces her way up from Itsuki’s cheek to her eyebrows, hoping that this will smoothen the crease and brush her worries away. Looking around her and distracted by the dimmed night lamp, she wonders why this can’t be Itsuki and Fuyu’s bedroom, and why Tsuki can’t be Itsuki’s child…
Why, despite Fuyu goading her on about Itsuki’s betrayal, and her meticulous plan on one-upping Itsuki with her own perfect family and job, are they both still unhappy?
—-----------------------------------
The next morning, Ituski had to leave the house earlier so that Fuyu could take Tsuki-chan to nursery, while she could get a headstart to catch up on Tennyosekai’s project work. This way, she would also never be seen together with Fuyu during their commute, and her side stint as her boss’ housekeeper could be kept a secret.
It has worked quite well so far, and Fuyu has been considerably nicer to her at work ever since she “moved in”. No matter how short it will be until Fuyu’s husband’s return, she decides to savor each moment and catch up on time she’s lost ever since she made the decision to prioritize Fuyu’s future over their short-term happiness.
It has been so easy though, Ituski ponders as she lines up for an afternoon coffee after a series of meetings that ate through her usual lunch time. It’s been so easy to fall into the rhythm of family life, of cooking and shopping not just for yourself, but also for someone else’s favorite dish. Then, getting up each morning to find that there are people you love still in their dreams by your bedside, waiting for you to wake them up–a life that isn’t supposed to be within grasp of someone like Itsuki.
Yet she’s surprisingly good at it. She smiles bitterly as she reaches the counter.
“Oh, Hi, Itsuki-san!” It’s the coffee shop barista, Kira-chan. “It’s been a week! Did you go on a holiday?”
“Good afternoon, Kira-chan! No I didn’t, but something’s kept me from my usual morning coffee runs…” Itsuki bows her head slightly in unnecessary embarrassment, like her secret of living with Fuyu is about to be exposed. In truth, it’s because the coffee shop is no longer enroute to the office, since she rushes to work from the opposite direction, arriving from Fuyu’s place.
“Oh dear!” Her coffee shop friend leans over the counter and nearly cups her face in an overly friendly gesture. Itsuki is used to her quirky antics and just laughs as she leans back slightly so her hands just brushed off in a ghostly touch. “I swear you’ve gotten skinnier! Are you only ordering a small Latte? No–that’s not enough!! Let me make you a large one…”
“But…” Itsuki couldn’t even refuse and the barista had already zoomed in and out, giving her a small piece of cake.
“This is on the house.” She says with a wink as she rushes back to make Itsuki’s order, causing her to blink in surprise. “Thank you!” She shouted, hoping Kira-chan could hear her. People are really nice these days! She thinks happily as she takes the cake to a small standing table, eager to take the first bite. Suddenly she feels cold sweat seeping on her back…
With the cake halfway towards her mouth, she suppresses a feeling of dread as she turns around, and finds Fuyu staring at her with a death glare.
“Fu…Hayashi-san?” She inquired, not sure why it feels like she’s done something wrong, but her survival instincts tell her she had.
“I see that you are keeping yourself quite busy.” Fuyu stated.
“Yes, but don’t worry about me.” Itsuki smiles and finally takes her bite, humming satisfactorily at the first piece of food she had since seven today. Sometimes, a rush of sugar can embolden you to ignore traps and take you in a direction with a false sense of security… “There was a series of meetings to reset all the work tasks after we called for help from all the contractors we know, but it’s all good now, and it looks like we can even finish earlier.” She beams triumphantly.
Fuyu crosses her arms though, her stone cold stare still trained on Itsuki, or rather, the cake that’s in Itsuki’s hands.
“Do you…want some?” Itsuki tilts her head and asks in apprehension.
“Who’s that?”
“Who’s who?”
Luckily or unluckily, the answer presents itself as the friendly barista leaves the coffee counter with her freshly made drink to find Itsuki in a strange staring contest with another woman dressed in all black and sunshades, even though they are indoors.
“Your drink!” Kira announces happily and places that on the tabletop. “Is that…” her eyes gesture toward Fuyu a bit. “A colleague of yours?”
“Ah~! Yes, yes!” Itsuki is desperate to climb out of the hole she’s fallen into, not knowing that she is digging deeper instead. “Kira-chan…” As Itsuki gestures towards the barista, she fails to notice the frown deepening on Fuyu’s face. “This is Hayashi-san, my client and boss at work.”
Kira-chan’s smile broadens further. “Hi!! So nice to meet you, Itsuki-san comes here a lot and I am hugely, deeply in her care!” Itsuki chuckles as she remembers how Kira-chan made a mess by knocking over her coffee and a cake all over the freezer on her first day of work, and how, even as a customer herself, she was somehow more frantic than the part-timer when they both scrambled to clean up before the shop manager came back.
Her clumsiness reminds her of Fuyu, and any fragment of Fuyu she can see…she grasps on.
“Is that so?” Fuyu’s voice acts as a splash of cold water that wakes Itsuki from her daydream. Surprised that Fuyu abruptly turns and walks away without ordering, Itsuki gives Kira-chan a quick bow before grabbing her coffee and cake to chase after her boss.
“Fuy…Hayashi-san!” She calls as she catches up and overtakes the woman stomping moodily in her power heels. “Are you okay?”
“I see that you can finally take a break from me…why should I stay and stand in your way?” Fuyu crosses her arms as she finds her path blocked by the taller woman who is comically balancing the food and drink between her hands.
“A break from you?” Itsuki asks with confusion written all over her face. “I don’t…I don’t find it a chore staying with you and Tsuki-chan.” The hesitance in her voice comes from a worry that it is not in her place to replace the husband and the father, but clearly it has come across as something else for Fuyu.
“You look so happy and relaxed with your Kira-chan though?” She snaps and turns her back from Itsuki, starting to play with her curl ends.
My Ki…Kira-chan? What? …Is Fuyu…jealous? Itsuki finds a rush of warmth rising in her chest. Fuyu still cares about her that way… Idiot! Now is not the time to feel happy.
“It’s not like that.” Itsuki shrugs her excitement off and puts the food down on the bench beside them. She rests her arms on Fuyu’s shoulders to turn her around to face her.
“If it’s not like that, then why is she ‘deeply in your care’? Why is she giving you a treat?” Fuyu glared sideways at the cake with a slight huff through her nose. She’s so cute–does she notice her pout? How is she already twenty-seven? It feels like they were back in university, when Fuyu showed her childishly jealous side just like this.
“I happened to give her some…no, quite a bit of help on her first day of work– so that’s why we’ve been friendly to each other since, and that’s…that’s really all there is to it. Besides, she’s still at school, there’s no way there is anything going on between us!” Itsuki explains quickly, even as she tries to keep her excitement and nerves at bay as Fuyu’s cheeks puff further.
“You call her Kira-chan, and me Hayashi-san only…” Fuyu’s voice trails off as she knows she is not in the position to demand anything from an ex, but somehow, they have already fallen back into this familiar rhythm like the past. It is not that Fuyu enjoys being jealous, it is just that she loves seeing Itsuki being flustered because of her.
On the other hand, Itsuki’s mouth forms a knowing gape as she finally understands what is making Fuyu upset, a small smile forming on her face.
“Fuyu.” Itsuki calls out with a soft voice as she steps in closer. “You told me yourself that at work, our relationship is just client and agent, didn’t you?”
Before Fuyu could answer back as she senses anger rising through her deepening frown, Itsuki puts a stop by laying a finger on her lips. “But ‘Fuyu’--” her voice gets even mellower as she says her name again. “I’ve always wanted to call you just that. It takes me a lot of strength to hold back every day in front of other people. So, Fuyu, please don’t be mad at me?”
This time, Fuyu scratches her neck and lowers her head with lips smacked together before reluctantly nodding.
Seeing that her anger has subsided, Itsuki smiles brightly and leads them to sit down on the bench.
“Fuyu has had a long day too, right? You came to the cafe for something sweet, but walked away empty handed. Here… have some cake.” She passes it on with the fork and puts it on her lap.
“No.” Fuyu refuses but she is still eyeing it sideways.
“But it is strawberry shortcake, your favorite.” Itsuki nudges on, knowing Fuyu will bend soon. “That is why I always have it too.” Should she say that as someone who is merely an ex staying at her house as a co-worker helping out? Probably not, but she doesn’t want to destroy this moment as she sees Fuyu’s face melts into the kitty she is familiar with. Even if it’s just for a little bit, please let us live in the past.
“Hm..” Her beloved kitten simply takes the cake and starts nibbling on the cream with her fork. “Thank you.” That gratitude comes in a bashful whisper, but to Itsuki, it is a treat glazed in honey.
Itsuki sits down silently, sipping her latte as she watches Fuyu eat what is probably also her only food since breakfast. She needs to make bigger meals for both of them tonight and tomorrow morning! Itsuki is already planning ahead.
“I actually came because I heard from Sakamoto-san that you are here.” Fuyu said as she stowed the finished cake back into the plastic bag. “Wanted to ask for your favor to pick Tsuki-chan up after work today, as there is a video call my boss scheduled with Vincent HQ.”
“I see…” Itsuki nods. “Yes, of course I can do that.”
“I should be back at home by around seven tonight though.”
“No problem, please leave that to me.” Itsuki grins eagerly at Fuyu. If anything, she’s happy to play any role that can ease Fuyu’s burden. Even if it results in nothing, this feeling is getting stronger and stronger every day…
“Thank you, Itsuki.” Fuyu breaks a small smile shyly too.
She really wishes this could last forever.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------
“Tsuki-chan!” The teacher at the nursery calls out. “Your guardian has come to pick you up!”
Tsuki’s teeth flashes brighter as she rushes towards the doorway, finding Itsuki crouching to receive her in a hug.
“Itsuki-chan! It’s you today!!” Both didn’t notice the relief on the teacher’s face seeing that the stranger Hayashi-san called in to register as guardian this morning is a legitimate person that Tsuki-chan recognises.
“Where are your things?” Itsuki asked.
“Ah!” The girl was clearly so happy that she forgot to pack her bag. “Wait here! I have someone to show you too!” The baby footsteps stomp away and Itsuki stands up once again, giving a slight nod to the teacher.
“Is Tsuki-chan good today?” She tries to broker casual conversation.
“Yes, she is doing really well! We did some gardening work and drawing of the sprouting leaves today for them to take back to…” The teacher’s smile dims as a thought comes up. “Harumoto-san, right?”
Itsuki nods.
“Usually it’s Tsuki-chan’s father picking her up, but this week, it has been her mother. I heard from Tsuki-chan that you are staying with them too… It is so nice of you to take care of your sister like that. I hope Hayashi-san gets well soon and he can return in full health.”
“Sister?” Itsuki’s eyebrows rose quizzically.
“Oh..I’m just assuming, or are you a relative on the father’s side? Harumoto is your husband’s last name, I guess? Anyway, why would you be staying with them, with Hayashi-san so readily registering you as guardian? We’ve had some cases like that over the years, you know? We’re very accommodating to families here, even extended ones. So don’t worry, please entrust Tsuki-chan with us!” The teacher continues to ramble knowingly as if she is doing her a big favor.
Her imaginations are wild… who told her Fuyu’s husband is sick, and how did she just decide that Itsuki is not a friend, but Fuyu’s sister? She wanted to correct her, but Fuyu probably didn’t think about it much when she registered Itsuki today, that it is uncommon for friends to pick up other peoples’ kids here. If the nursery knew who she really was, would they even allow her to do it in the future? Itsuki can only sigh internally as she watches Tsuki-chan zip up her bag from afar.
“Itsuki-chan!” The little girl returns with another girl hand-in-hand. “This is Akane-chan, a new friend I made today!”
Taking Tsuki-chan’s backpack and water bottle, Itsuki greets Akane-chan with a big smile.
“Wow! It’s true, Tsuki-chan! Itsuki-chan is so pretty!” The girl with twin-tails gave Tsuki-chan an awed look, before beaming at Itsuki and showing her a drawing. “This is Mr. Potatoes!”
“Heh? Thank you, Akane-chan! You too, you are very pretty, and your drawing looks great too!” Itsuki pats on the girl’s head.
“Itsuki-chan is now my favorite!” Akane-chan declares, patting her chest proudly. She’ll probably forget about her by tonight… Itsuki chuckles at this cute display. She’s glad Tsuki is surrounded by nice kids.
“Right back at you too.” She returns the feelings courteously. Turning her attention back towards Tsuki, she continues. “Tsuki-chan? Time to say goodbye to Akane-chan. Are you ready?”
Somehow, the smile from Tsuki’s face has already vanished and she simply waves at her friend and teacher grumpily before walking out.
“Oi, Tsuki-chan, wait up!” Itsuki quickly greets the others goodbye and catches up, linking Tsuki-chan’s hand so they can walk back home together.
But Tsuki-chan is oddly silent as they walk on, her head hanging low.
“Tsuki-chan, did you have fun today?” Itsuki tries to break the silence. Maybe the kid is feeling tired after a full day of activity.
To her surprise, the girl gives her a “Hmph!” and turns her head away.
“What’s wrong?” Itsuki stops worriedly as she crouches down to check if something is upsetting Tsuki-chan.
“If I knew she would become your favorite…I wouldn’t let her meet you…” Tsuki-chan complains, looking at Itsuki with puffed cheeks.
Itsuki gapes as Fuyu’s image overlaps completely with the face Itsuki’s making in front of her. Like mother, like daughter…
“I only wanted Itsuki-chan to see that I've made many friends, so you can give Mama piggyback rides and make her laugh too!” The girl flings her hand off Itsuki’s loose grip and crosses her arms like a mini-Hayashi Fuyu.
“Tsuki-chan.” Itsuki pats her head and rests her arms on the tiny girl’s shoulders, just like what she did to her mama earlier today. “I only said this because they are Tsuki-chan’s most precious friends. Since Tsuki-chan is cute and friendly, all the friends you make must also be cute too, am I right?”
“But you said she is pretty, and she is your favorite… you never said that to me.”
“Aight!” Itsuki smiles as she picks her darling up into her arms, brushing her back as Tsuki-chan’s head rests on her shoulder, legs dangling on the sides of her waist, still throwing a little tantrum.
“Tsuki-chan is not only my favorite, but a person very special to me too.” She explains gently. “See? I saw your drawing just now, and every single one that you showed me at home. The seeds in the garden are finally sprouting, and Tsuki-chan is taking care of four of them, more than anyone else in the class, am I right? That is really awesome, Tsuki-chan, I’m so proud of you.”
“Yes!” Tsuki-chan brightens her tone, excited that Itsuki notices so much. “They are around three inches tall now, according to Teacher! One is for Mama, one is for Papa, one is for Itsuki-chan, and the final one is for me!”
“Really? Thank you, Tsuki-chan!” Itsuki’s joy is sincere. She is surprised by the place she has in Tsuki’s heart even though it has just been a few days.
“Itsuki-chan looks at me properly unlike the others, that’s why you are my favorite!” Tsuki-chan doesn’t elaborate further, but it does sow some thoughts in Itsuki’s mind about how life usually is like in Fuyu’s family. She already knows that Fuyu is as bad as a Showa Era dad, but what about Hayashi Kouu san? She’s afraid to take her thoughts any further, fearing that envy will consume her imagination.
“Tsuki-chan is also my favorite, my pretty little princess.” Itsuki hugs the girl tighter as they continue their trip back home, the sun on their left setting slowly to a deeper shade of orange that brings a sleep inducing warmth to Tsuki’s cheeks.
“Mama will be so happy…” Tsuki’s thoughts have already drifted away as she mumbles back in a half-asleep tone.
This girl has such a big heart just like her mother, Itsuki muses. And she is also prone to jealousy, just like her mother… Meanwhile, the setting winter sun, while carrying Tsuki away into her dreams, also creeps slowly into the heart Itsuki buried deep in the icy ocean, reminding her of the countless trips Fuyu and her take hand-in-hand back to their home in better days.
—-------------------------------------------------
7 years ago
Stepping into the second year of their university, and a month after they had moved in together, Itsuki and Fuyu had settled in a steady routine.
“Fuyu…Fuyu? It’s time to wake up.” Itsuki nudged her girlfriend, who just hid herself further under the covers, letting out a groan at the same time.
It’s not every morning that Itsuki got to wake her Fuyu up, since there were two days a week she had to leave early for morning practice, in addition to daily drills at the track and field club after school. Without fail, Fuyu would be able to go to classes each morning, so she knew that this banter was just an excuse for Itsuki to pamper her, but she welcomed that a lot and happily took up her part.
“Come on now, breakfast will get cold, and I made honey toast today…” Itsuki rubbed her girlfriend’s back, trying to coax her with food and touches.
“Itsu—ki—” Fuyu’s hoarse voice called out her name in a purr, sending chills down Itsuki’s spine. “Come here. Let’s skip school today.” She spread her arms and grabbed Itsuki towards her, causing half of her body to topple right back into bed under covers.
“That cannot do, Fuyu.” Itsuki resisted and swallowed a gulp down her throat as Fuyu found her burrow between Itsuki’s collarbones, causing a tantalizing itch as she nudged her head deeper in.
“We will be late…” Itsuki’s surprised by her own breathy comeback. Was she that weak against Fuyu?
“I don’t care~” Fuyu’s dragged her voice.
“Okay.” Itsuki took a deep breath as she summoned up her determination and pulled back, extracting them both from the covers.
“Cold!” The sleepyhead yelped and clutched onto her girlfriend again in all fours, like a koala hugging onto a tree trunk.
“Good, good Fuyu-chan~” Itsuki shook her head at Fuyu’s adorable gestures, standing and propping the girl up with her arms, rubbing her back like she’s entertaining a child. “If you go get ready in the next five minutes, I will take you to the cafe after practice for a parfait.”
Hearing that, her girlfriend pulled back and looked onto her doggy with a giddy smile. Brushing their noses together, she whispered, “Really?”
“Yes, really.” Itsuki scrunched her nose and pulled back with a chuckle, her heart ready to give Fuyu anything she would ask next.
“All right,” Fuyu conceded. “But one more thing.” She closed her eyes and tilted her chin up a bit.
Itsuki leaned in obediently and captured her lips with her own. Indulging herself in a few more kisses, hand roaming from Fuyu’s back to her nape, Fuyu let a moan escape as they both forgot about their mission to leave on time for class…
This resulted in Itsuki now pulling the smaller girl behind her as they rushed out of the station towards the lecture hall. Fuyu tried her best to keep up, hand clasping tight onto Itsuki’s as she guided them between the sleepy crowd of morning commuters. A goofy smile hung on her girlfriend’s face as Itsuki mumbled quietly to herself not to fall into Fuyu’s trap like this morning again. She knew it would be a futile attempt on her idiot’s part, and she was enjoying every moment of it.
That was, until she felt her hand unceremoniously dropped from Itsuki’s all of a sudden. Looking up to find out what it was, she saw another girl waving excitedly at them.
“Good morning, Itsuki! Hayashi-san!” Ah, it’s a girl Fuyu recognized as one from the running team. She wasn’t too sure as Itsuki usually let Fuyu wait for her near the university entrance rather than meet directly at the training grounds. As to why that was the case, Fuyu had some guesses, but it was still a subject she is not ready to broach yet.
“Hey, Risa.” Itsuki greeted, her voice sounded a little tighter than usual. The way they are on first name basis sparked something unease in Fuyu’s stomach.
“What are you guys up to?”
“We both have class, which starts in…” Clearing her throat as she checked her watch, her tone resumed back to normal in an apologetic smile. “...five mins. So we gotta run. See you later, Risa.”
Itsuki rushed ahead as Fuyu gave Risa a slight bow and made small running steps to catch up, walking side by side once Itsuki slowed down a little to match Fuyu’s pace. Risa watched on with a curious smile, noticing that Itsuki kept her hands folded to herself, while the shorter girl took glances sideways every few steps, swinging her arms hesitantly as their backs disappeared into the crowd.
“Sorry about just now.” Itsuki’s pace had slowed down as they passed through the gates, knowing now that they would make it on time.
“Um-um, it’s okay.” Fuyu answered back quietly. “We should keep it low key, I understand that.”
“I..” Itsuki stopped and looked at Fuyu with a difficult look. “I know it is unfair to Fuyu. You are always so brave and strong in your beliefs. It probably makes sense for our friends to know, right?”
Circling her arm around Ituski’s, a gesture that she deemed more acceptable than holding hands, Fuyu pulled her back into a walking pace again.
“I love you, but I’m not naive enough to think everyone will accept us. We are not living in a yuri manga…I know that.” Fuyu laughed to herself as she comforted her girlfriend. “Take all the time you need, Itsuki.”
“Thank you.” Itsuki smiled back meekly, her heart still in a crumpled mess. If she couldn’t even tell her teammates, who else could she open up to? The only one in this world who knew about her being a lesbian was Aoyama-kun, and even that was because he found out on his own, and not by her own confession.
Why is she so scared about what others would think?
Since she couldn’t figure out the answer anyway, she put her focus back into class.
Practice came and went as the team did a series of intense drills on relays and baton passing. Just as luck would have it, Risa was her training partner that day, and she was definitely giving her looks that she hadn’t given in the past, always training her eyes on her whenever she thought she wasn’t looking. Risa had always been a friendly and straightforward person, and they had been through quite a few rough patches together through last year’s competitions, enough for them to confide in each other about their problems. If there was someone she could call a best mate in this school, it would be her. So, seeing the normally no-filter person holding back her tongue, Itsuki knew it wouldn’t take long for Risa to snap. Did she actually see her hold Fuyu’s hand this morning? Is this why she’s looking at me this way now?
“Stop staring…” Itsuki laughed drily and half-jokingly punched her friend as they moved from the tracks back into the shade for water and packing up, hoping that it would alleviate the awkward atmosphere between them. This just caused her friend to break into a laugh.
“I didn’t know you had it in you, Harumoto Itsuki…”
“What?” Ituski escaped Risa’s smirking look, her eyes staring into nothingness of the track field, like a deer in headlights.
“I secretly made a bet to myself that you may have a 50% chance of confessing if Hayashi-san is still around in year 3, but here you are, my little hound, already devouring your girl blissfully every night without telling me!”
“I…!” Itsuki couldn’t believe her ears as her mouth hung open in trepidation, eartips already heating up on the embarrassing exposé.
For a second, Itsuki couldn’t help but wonder–is she joking? Is she testing her? Does she think it’s disgusting? But no, Risa is not that type of person, is she?
“Is that why you don’t allow her to come near the track fields anymore? She used to watch you practice quite a bit last year.”
“You noticed?” Itsuki frowned at her observant friend as she counted the number of times Fuyu came when they were still just friends. It couldn’t be more than five times…
Brushing her counting fingers to the side as Risa wraps an arm around the shoulder of this easily teased girl, she snickered again.
“It’s fine to stop counting already! I always thought you were a wimp when it comes to love, but seeing Hayashi-san sucking the life essence out of you makes me very happy– you found a good one.”
“Risa! Fuyu and I…we are…but what nonsense are you talking about?” Itsuki felt like she could combust on the spot, her face turned tomato red in unimaginable embarrassment. How could she tell that they were living together—or doing those things–just by one look in the morning?! And thinking that they do it every night? Pfff… it was only like that for the first week! As her head gets buried mentally into the sand, the duo failed to notice a person approaching from afar.
“You don’t come out of a station together in the early morning, hands linked, and bzzzzztttt” Risa’s finger started pointing around, with Itsuki’s eyes following, like there was a fly. No, it was meant to be a mosquito, as Itsuki realized once Risa huddled closer, her finger landing right above the singlet on her collarbone as she licked her lips conspiratorially and made circles on her sensitive spot, causing Itsuki to shudder and cower. “With all these bite marks…don’t try to tell me that’s just an overnight study group!”
“We didn’t do anything last night…!” Itsuki shrugged her friend off and covered her collarbones defensively. “This was only in the morning!” Her hand quickly travelled up to cup her own clumsy mouth–what kind of stupid comeback was this?
Risa was now wiping tears off her face, laughing so hard that she was bent over with stitches. They both didn’t notice as the footsteps heading their way turned around and retreated.
“So you guys are already living together, right? How long has it been?”
“All right..fine…” She sighed in resignation. “We’ve been together for six months now, but we just moved in together recently before the new semester started.” Knowing that there was nothing to hide from her friend anymore, Itsuki offered up the details honestly this time round.
“Six month’s already? I see…” Risa calmed down considerably, and a seriousness had now settled on her face. “Itsuki, it may sound like a joke when I said you were a wimp, but you really are one, you know that, right?”
Itsuki understood what she meant. She looked down guilty, and slowly nodded with a hum.
“She wanted to hold your hand so desperately this morning, that even I, as a bystander, could feel her pain from far away.”
Offering Itsuki a towel so she could wipe the sweat and the pending teardrop about to fall from her eyes, Risa patted her back in encouragement.
“I know you made the right call, and not everyone, even just within this club, will be able to accept right away. However, there is a line you need to draw on the sand. At the end of the day, whose feelings do you treasure most? Just know that I will be here if you need me, and I think you are damn lucky to have Hayashi-san by your side. Now go, don’t make your girlfriend wait.”
Itsuki watched as Risa turned around and walked away with a towel swung on one side of her shoulder, giving her a wave from her back.
Just as expected, Fuyu was standing by the gates by the time Itsuki rushed from the changing rooms to meet her.
“Thanks for waiting, Fuyu!” She beamed as she once again took in the beauty of Fuyu’s silhouette against the long shadow cast by the late afternoon sun. She wanted to throw her arms around her, but Fuyu slipped past and refused her embrace.
“Sorry I’m late, I was chatting with my teammate for a little bit…” Itsuki apologized, thinking that Fuyu was upset because of this.
Fuyu didn’t answer anything and she just stomped away. The campus was quiet as most people had already headed home. Itsuki, baffled by the silent treatment, followed behind and rubbed her cheek in confusion, but quickly, she was reminded of Risa’s words, so she lunged forward and grabbed Fuyu’s hand.
“Shall we hold hands going home? Let’s go get the parfait now.” She said encouragingly, trying to cheer her girlfriend up, but Fuyu only got angrier as she shrugged her hand off.
“Fuyu…Fuyu!” She called out as Fuyu’s steps quickened. They had now reached a long stretch of walk beside the embankment, with the sun turning orange and silver sparkles reflecting off the calm spring river stream flowing through it.
“What’s wrong?” Itsuki once again caught up, shocked to find that Fuyu is wiping tears off her face.
“Now I know why you don’t want me to come see you.”
Itsuki frowned as Fuyu stopped on her steps and looked straight up at her in red eyes.
“You like somebody else, don’t you? That girl from the running team!”
“R…Risa?” Itsuki was bewildered by this thought. “No, of course not! Why would you think that?”
“I saw you just now… laying in her arms with red cheeks. You are having so much fun behind my back all this time..!”
Oh no! What a big understanding! Itsuki thought as she recalled how Risa’s teasing might look like. How could she explain all this without sounding like it’s an excuse?
“It’s…it’s not like that! She was just making fun of me for…” Itsuki bit her lips again in embarrassment. “She figured out we’re together, that’s why.”
Fuyu’s eyes were still glaring hard, but she tilted her head slightly and watched on suspiciously. Encouraged by the signs, Itsuki quickly moved closer. “See?” She pulled down her sweater’s collar and revealed the marks Fuyu left this morning eagerly. “We’re practicing baton passing so she saw it this whole time– all the evidence of Fuyu’s passion left on me– she couldn’t help but ask since she saw us this morning too!”
The puppy, being so earnest in proving her innocence, forgot how ridiculous she looked as she showed the reminders of their intimacy like she was pointing at a graph in a presentation, talking about it out loud with such a serious and straight face.
“Are you saying it’s my fault that you got caught?” Fuyu suddenly gave her a ‘hmph’, clearly not willing to swallow her pride that soon, now that the source of her jealousy had finally been addressed. She made an abrupt turn to the left and sped down a set of stairs into the embankment sidewalk.
“Fuyu…!” Itsuki followed quickly, seeing that Fuyu was fumbling down the stairs. “It’s dangerous, don’t go so quickly..!”
As she finished her sentence, the girl had already tripped on a small stone at the last step, slipping and letting out a cry as she tried to find her balance. Luckily, Itsuki athletic senses kicked it and leapt forward, catching her girlfriend around the waist as they tumbled gently to the ground, avoiding a disastrous fall into the river.
Itsuki found herself on top of Fuyu, with one hand shielding her head behind her neck, and the other propping herself up right above Fuyu’s shoulder.
The setting sun reflected its grace on the glistening stream of tears that was still adorning Fuyu’s cheek, as their eyes locked in an intense gaze.
“You are so beautiful…” Itsuki said as she retrieved the hand behind Fuyu’s head slowly, and ran the back of her palm on Fuyu’s cheeks, wiping those tears away. “How could I have eyes for anybody else but you? It’s not humanly possible, Fuyu…”
She then leaned in and kissed the other side of Fuyu’s cheek, tasting the salt in the tears she tried to remove from this gorgeous face.
“I’m sorry I made you feel this way. It is because I’m a coward that Fuyu doesn’t feel safe with me. I couldn’t kiss you in public, I couldn’t tell anyone we are living together, and I couldn’t even hold hands with you in front of my good friend…”
“I already said it, Itsuki, it’s not your fault…” Fuyu’s crease between her eyebrows deepened, pained by the look she saw on Itsuki’s face. Her gentleness was making her hurt more than anyone else. Her consideration was indeed something Fuyu loved, but it was also something that made Fuyu’s heart broil with uncertainty and fear sometimes.
“But the result is that I cannot give you the security you deserve, is that right? Fuyu, I’m so sorry.”
“The truth is, I’m afraid. I lost both of my parents when I was young, and for a while, all the colors in life became washed out, like they had abandoned me. I felt alone and different from my friends, and I hated it. Luckily, Grandma took me in and put me back together. I learned to fit myself into a new life, a new family, and a new reality. Slowly, I noticed that the colors started coming back. I finally felt normal again, and I craved this so much that I was willing to compromise a part of me so that the colors won’t leave me again. I thought I could live life like this forever, until I found you…”
She leaned in this time and gave a long and tender kiss on her lips. The spring breeze was quiet and cool, making the smack of their lips parting loud and clear, and the flutter of Fuyu’s eyelashes even more stirring in Itsuki’s heart.
“You’ve made the colors of my life unimaginably vivid, and everyday, my heart feels saturated in happiness. So this is what ‘colorful’ truly means…I realize. I am still afraid…but Fuyu, I like you so much that it hurts to see you sad because of me. I promise that from now on,” She took Fuyu’s hand and brought it close to her chest. “I will never let it go.” Leaning down further, she crossed their fingers together in a clasp and kissed the back of her hand again. “Let them see me hold your hands. Let them find out if they want, but now, they will know that you are mine and mine alone.” Laying their linked hands down on Fuyu’s chest, Itsuki closed in on her with a deep kiss, this time prying her way through Fuyu’s lips with her tongue, repeatedly declaring her promise as she stoked the flames of passion deeper and deeper inside her, until the cat below her ran out of breath, and tapped on Itsuki’s shoulders to pull away.
“Itsuki… you idiot.” A smile finally spread on Fuyu’s swollen lips as her labored breaths grazed Itsuki’s cheeks, causing the other girl to giggle and pull her up into a sitting position so she could embrace her in a tight hug, readying herself to attack with another round of kisses.
What Fuyu swallowed though, was the rest of her sentence. Just like Itsuki, she has her own demons too. She is a bird with wings clipped when she tried to chase for her freedom and got shot down from the sky. She was not sorry about being different, but she was scared of getting hurt again. There’s no way back except to believe that ‘forever’ was real. So she would bury her words in her heart, until the day they came back to bite her.
Itsuki…you idiot. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
—----------------------------------------------
Back to the present
Looking back on their days together, Itsuki did keep her promise in always holding hands, even if acquaintances were around. But the world’s attention wasn't as focused on them as they thought, and not a lot of people gave too much attention about a Chinese student not understanding physical boundaries in Japan, thinking that Itsuki and Fuyu were just very good friends. Or if they did think there was something more, they kept it to themselves. A few friends knew and were supportive of their relationship, such as Risa.
But that was it. There was no big confrontation or reveal, no coming out of the closet. They still stole kisses with each other at the corner of the corridors, in deserted classrooms or empty restrooms, never doing things that other couples would do in broad daylight without batting an eyelid.
Maybe that was Itsuki’s downfall. She did not deliver on her promise, so that’s why she yielded so easily when Fuyu’s mum came, and that’s why Fuyu believed wholeheartedly when she told her “she wasn’t enough” in her laughingly clumsy breakup act.
It’s her fault.
She sighs again as she walks down the stairs, seeing that Fuyu has woken up in the middle of the night again, probably making herself a hot glass of milk.
Leaning beside the doorway, Itsuki watches as Fuyu takes a mug out of the microwave, this time without making a ruckus.
“Do you want some?” She asks.
Itsuki smiles and nods, thinking how lucky she is to get to see this domestic side of Fuyu again, after all these years. With such an endearing soul– even one that is prone to jealousy– how can Itsuki ever move on?