Chapter Text
“You’re on in fifteen!” A voice calls out from the slightly-open door of her trailer.
“Okay!”
Jackie sits up from the couch and dog-ears the page of her old copy of The Catcher In The Rye. It’s her third time reading it which is weird because she remembers not really caring for it when she read it back in school. It was just there, right in front of her when she was hastily packing her things that night, so she just mindlessly put it in.
She walks to the mirror, and stares at her face as she takes off her gold heart necklace. A deep breath escapes her chest whenever she looks back at her dull reflection. How the fuck did she end up here?
The golden necklace is tucked neatly inside a tiny velvet bag and she puts it in the pocket of her jacket that’s hanging inside the small closet for safe keeping.
She grabs her script and goes over her lines that she meticulously highlighted, anything under the character name Heather is hers. When she realizes which scene they’re filming today, she rolls her eyes so hard, they nearly go backwards.
Rosie, Heather’s best friend, convinces her to sneak out from her window to go to a party knowing that her parents said no.
Rosie
You’re my best friend. I love you. There’s no way I’m gonna get you in trouble
It’s all a bit masochistic, really. The show isn’t even that good; just a low-budget family-friendly sitcom that plays on network tv. It’s basically a low grade Full House. Silly, slapstick comedies where the conflict is resolved within twenty minutes. If only real life works like this.
She looks down at the paper, but the only thing her brain can muster is a collection of memories she’s been trying hard to bury really deep.
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” Shauna tells Jackie. She threads her fingers in Jackie’s hair and kisses her lips so deeply that she leans back into the pillow.
“I think I’m in love with you,” Jackie admits when they pull apart. It’s sudden, but it’s true. She’s in a dream, literally floating. This is much better than their drunk make out session that started a while ago.
“I’m in love with you too,” Shauna says back with a smile so sincere, so real that there’s a glint in her eyes. They’re tangled up under the sheet, and Shauna holds her tighter, their hot bodies closer than they’ve ever been and she whispers in her ears, “are you sure about this?”
“Yeah,” Jackie nods, and goes to kiss her. They’ve both never done it before, it feels like a holy ceremony that they’re doing it for the first time together. There’s no way it would’ve been any other way.
Some fucking dream, Jackie thinks. She shuts the script because she knows her lines, no need to revisit unwanted corners.
She leaves her trailer and is immediately greeted by the Georgia summer sun, she has to put her script book over her eyebrows to cover her eyes as she walks to the studio.
It’s all pretty routine, she’s used to the ins and outs of it all. Doing the second season of this godforsaken show isn’t all that different from the first. But if she’s being honest, she didn’t think that it’s come back for a second one.
She gets in position, gets some makeup on her face for touch ups, and she sees the chaotic movement of everyone surrounding her.
And then, it happens again.
A minute before the director yells action, Jackie’s eyes find the boom operator, a girl with bleach blonde hair, and she looks back at her.
Their gaze would linger, paused in the air. Almost a look of recognition, and she’d always nod at her with a small smile that says ‘you got this.’ Jackie nods back today.
It’s been one of the few good things about coming back to film. She only showed up for this season, and Jackie hadn’t even caught her name yet.
Maybe she should say hi, and make friends…crazy idea.
Her work day ends at about 5 pm, the sun isn’t set yet but the air is cooler, definitely better than the stale and dry studio atmosphere. She drops her necklace into her palm and she can literally hear her mother’s voice echo in her head.
“You ought to stop wearing that necklace. It’s been years,” her mother nagged her, “people will think we don’t buy you anything.”
She holds the clasp in her fingers, and mimics with mockery, “people will think we don’t buy you anything,” as she puts it back on. What does her mother even know about sentimental value? She discarded Jackie like she wasn’t her own flesh and blood. A necklace won’t move her.
“It was a gift from grandma,” she’d always say.
She walks around every corridor and in between the trailer caravans hoping to find the ever-so-intriguing boom operator just to say hello and introduce herself.
Call her crazy, call her pathetic but it’s been nice getting attention from a pretty girl when the reason she’s all alone in Georgia is because she had been disowned for liking girls almost a year ago. Call her desperate, or even lonely but it feels like some balm to the wound
Alas, she does not find her anywhere. Jackie scoffs, and makes her way back to her apartment hoping for a better tomorrow.
“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.” Natalie’s rushing through the crowd of people trying to find Kevyn in this hall, “excuse me.”
“Are you trying to get me fired or something, Scatorccio?” Kevyn slams the camera into her for her to grab.
“Sorry, man. Work took too long,” she apologetically says, trying to catch her breath from running, “hope I’m not too late.”
“Nah, you’re okay. The guests are just starting to show up” he says as he’s sorting the video camera. “Also,” he smirks at her, “was work running late or were you staring at the Taylor girl?”
“Shut up,” she gives him a shove, “I’m never telling you anything again.”
“Well, what was it…work or her?”
“Work,” she confirms. She takes a sigh when she looks around the wedding hall, “but, you shoulda seen her,” she mutters to herself.
She doesn’t know much about her personality, but she does want to. Nat’s only working with her looks and mannerisms; her big eyes, her honey-brown hair, how she's always scribbling things in the scripts, how she always finds her sitting in her trailer’s steps early in the morning.
“Have you thought of saying hello?”
“No,” she shakes her head, “I dunno. Maybe.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t think she likes talking to anyone there,” Nat says but it almost sounds like a question.
“What, is she like a bitch?” He looks at her.
“Don’t call her that,” she shoves him again, “and no, I just— I don’t think she looks comfortable…like at all.”
Kevyn hums, and he’s on work-mode now, “family said they wanted candids of guests before the ceremony. Only close family and friends though.”
“How am I supposed to tell who’s who?”
“Dunno,” he shrugs, “figure it out.”
When Jackie looks around her small studio apartment, the only thing that makes her feel better is knowing that it’s all temporary. It’s always been the plan; she’s not planning to stay here, or continue to be an actress, she doesn’t even like it. She’s been saving money to leave when it gets better for her. Go somewhere far where she could breathe.
It’s not too bad here though.
She’s been very lucky, she knows that; getting a shitty waitressing job in North Carolina with nothing to show for it, and the acting gig without any prior experience, not even school plays.
A pretty face. She's got a pretty face.
That’s what both the diner manager and producer in the panel said when she came around. She’ll swallow and take the compliment with grace, except it tastes bitter now.
Why would you do this? Her mother cried when she found out about Jackie’s inclination. You’re such a pretty girl.
She never really knew what that was supposed to mean so she shakes the thought away, and lays in her bed. The rerun of the first season should be playing now, so she keeps her Motorola flip phone in the pillow as she puts her head down.
“Maybe tonight,” she whispers to herself. But her phone doesn’t ring, and she falls asleep waiting.
She changed her number, but she mailed it to them. She never got a response, and yet she waits every night. Maybe they’ll see her and they’ll miss her again. Even Shauna.
Call her pitiful, but she still has the door open.
——
“Cut!” Michael, the director, yells at everyone and suddenly interrupts everyone’s flow, “Jackie!”
She looks at him knowing very well that she's been the one screwing up the scene. It’s their fifth take.
“Yeah?” She looks at him, not a lot of expression on her face.
“Get your fucking shit together,” he pointedly says to her. He reminds her of coach Bill, she’s not really fazed by it anymore.
“Yeah,” she nods, “sorry.”
“It’s like your heart’s not in it,” he tries to guide her.
It’s really not.
“Just give me a second,” Jackie attempts to sound adamant, “I’ll try my best.”
“God, I hope so,” he sighs out. His vein popped out in his forehead and his thin black hair looks a mess. She lived her whole life performing, but when she started getting paid for it, she’s got nothing to give.
Girl sneaks out with her best friend. Girl gets caught doing something she’s not supposed to. Dad takes her home. Dad scolds her in a fatherly manner. Dad doesn’t forget to tell her that he loves her no matter what.
But Jackie is no actress, and this did not happen in her reality.
“I’m done with the kids around 6,” Jackie says quietly into her phone, “just pick me up then.”
“What about your parents?” Shauna asks. Very valid question.
“They think tutoring is done at 7:30,” she huffs out a little laugh. It’s all so exciting, her heart’s never fluttered quite like this.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Even if they catch on, I’ll just say I was with Jeff.”
Shauna sighs but she resigns and says, “okay,” she can hear her smile, “okay, I’ll see you later.”
“Can’t wait,” Jackie says, pressing her fingers into her lips to suppress the smile.
She’s back from her thoughts and on set inside the hot studio. They’re about to start rolling again, and she shakes her shoulder to get rid of the rigidity.
Without control over herself, she spots the boom operator. It happens as it always does; the little moments of eye contact. “Come on,” she mouths wordlessly to Jackie with an encouraging tight-lipped smile, “one more time.”
And maybe that’s all what Jackie needed, she wears half a smile to her and nods.
Heather
I love you too, dad.
She finally says it without sounding like an inexpressive robot. The hot yellow lights that burn her skin by the shoulders are finally turned off. It’s the last scene of the day, today’s done.
Jackie finally spots her after work. She’s leaning on the wall by herself smoking a cigarette, she spots the box of American Spirit in her hands and almost laughs, because yeah, of course. She approaches her until they’re a few feet apart.
“You know, I never got your name,” Jackie feels brazen over initiating this very standard introduction.
She drops what remains of her cigarette, and presses the toe of her worn converse on it. She walks forward to Jackie and says, “Nat,” she starts, “Natalie Scatorccio. Nat or Natalie. Whatever you like.”
“Natalie,” she repeats to test it out. Finally, a name to the face. “I’m Jackie Taylor,” she extends her hand to shake.
A smile creeps on her face and she breathes out a laugh, “I know who you are,” she says as she shakes back her hand.
“Right,” Jackie walks a step back. She’s awkwardly balancing her feet on the edge of the curb.
“Aren’t you too hot in that?” Nat points at Jackie’s denim jacket. She’s only wearing a short sleeved white shirt.
“I’m okay.”
“Headed home?”
“Uh— yeah,” She nods, “you?”
“Hmmm,” Nat looks around with a twisted mouth, then she cheekily says in a whisper, “I’m kinda hungry. I don’t wanna go back.”
“I’m hungry too,” Jackie replies very quickly. She’s also very tired and sleepy but she won’t say that.
“Wanna do something about that?” Nat’s already walking, waiting and hoping for Jackie to follow.
“Yeah,” she nods, “let’s go eat. I’ll get some takeout.”
And she jogs towards Natalie and they walk next to each other.
“Do you live close by?” Nat asks, hands in her pocket.
“Yeah,” Jackie nods, “I don’t drive so I thought it’d be better if I was near.”
“Alone?”
“Yeah. What about you?”
“I don’t have a car and I live with Kevyn,” Nat explains, “we kinda grew up together so it’s not like a sleazy roommate situation with some random guy.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” Jackie says, “I used to plan about living with my best friend after graduation.”
“What happened to those plans?”
“You don’t get to dangle Jeff in my face like that and pretend like it’s nothing,” Shauna exclaims with tears, “it’s not fair!”
“Well, life’s not fucking fair, Shauna,” Jackie yells back, “what the fuck do you want me to do?”
Jackie’s always had a touch of cruelty.
“Oh, you know—“ she easily waves it away, “you plan something when you’re eight, and it doesn’t happen when you’re eighteen. Shocker.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“You weren’t with us earlier this year,” Jackie points out.
“Yeah, I got this gig around two months ago…June?” She says, “my friend helped me out”
“That’s cool.”
“What about you?” Nat asks with fond interest, swaying closer to her, “what’s a girl doing alone in the sets of Georgia so far from home?”
Jackie smirks and looks at her, “what do you know about home?” She hardly talks about her personal life at work. She never mentioned her hometown before.
“Where are you from?” Nat suspiciously looks at her.
“North Carolina.”
“No, you’re not,” Nat says in a friendly manner, slightly surprised, “no way.”
“Why not?”
“Because I hear it,” she makes the shape of headphones with her hands and gestures to her head. “The accent slips out sometimes, and I’m definitely not crazy.”
Oh. The boom operator. Duh.
“What’s my tell?” Jackie wonders with a curious grin. She realizes that it’s been long since she's had this lighthearted conversation with someone.
“Well, I distinctly remember the way you said ‘Daughter’ that one time, and I was like a hundred percent sure then.”
“You’re no daughter of mine,” her father drawls firmly to end the conversation. It’s the end. He doesn’t say anything else.
“Busted,” Jackie sings.
“A New Jersey girl claiming she’s from North Carolina,” Nat laughs lightly, “you tried.”
“How’d you know?”
“I’m from Jersey, too.”
“Shit, really?” Jackie responds with surprise, “yeah, I couldn’t have fooled you.”
“What, you couldn’t tell?”
“I guess I wasn’t thinking about it.”
“Which part of the city did you grow up in?”
“This small town, Wiskayok.”
She’s never mentioned this to anyone else.
“Oh! Wiskayok!” Nat says, and Jackie turns because no one responds to fuckass Wiskayok like that. “I have some friends from there.”
“Were you close by?”
“Yeah,” Nat quickly nods, “just out of Eatontown. Not too far from you guys.”
“Huh,” Jackie ponders for a few seconds, “wonder if we ran into each other before.”
“Maybe,” Natalie shrugs.
After some tussle, it’s Nat who pays for their food and Jackie isn’t all that pleased.
“You know, you didn’t have to do that,” Jackie scoffs while holding her takeout bag. They’re walking away side by side.
“Come on, Taylor,” Nat laughs, “you’re embarrassing me. It was barely fifteen bucks for the both of us.”
“Still,” she looks at the pavement while walking. Their shadows are interweaving in and out of each other as they sway side to side.
They pause at a stop sign by the crossroads. Natalie looks at Jackie and asks jokingly, “are you really that torn up about the 7 dollars I spent on your burger and fries?”
“Yes,” Jackie firmly says but there’s a small smile on her face.
“Then, you treat me next time.”
“Next time?”
“Yeah,” she nods and looks at the street, “I was thinking tomorrow, actually.”
“Okay,” Jackie happily nods, genuinely smiling, “you know where to find me.”
Nat bites her plastic straw when she grins back at Jackie, the sun on her eyes has her squinting and scrunching her nose.
Very cute, Jackie thinks to herself.
and she says, “I’m going over here,” she points to the left.
“I’m going there,” Jackie points in the opposite direction.
“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye,” Jackie waves.
“Bye, Jackie,” Nat waves back with her takeout bag.
When she walks away, she finds herself turning her head every few seconds to look at Natalie’s back, growing smaller and smaller until she disappears.
——
Jackie finished way earlier than everyone else today. She had the opportunity to just ditch and leave, but here she is, sitting on the steps of her trailer, playing with her necklace, waiting for Natalie to check out since she’s said she’d treat her today.
Just her luck, Nat’s running late. When the first hour passes she wonders how stupid she may be looking right now; their plan from yesterday wasn’t even solid, she doesn’t have Nat’s phone number, and she might’ve been joking about eating together after work.
She drops her head into her palms out of embarrassment. Why can’t I be normal about these things? Jackie thinks.
But it’s already been an hour, she might as well commit to the whole bit. It’s not like her phone is blasting with calls and messages asking where she is.
She goes back to reading The Catcher in the Rye, and she reaches the part where Holden is asking about the ducks in the lake. She traces her finger at the underline she drew on the text; it touched her, it made her cry the last time she read it.
Where do the ducks go when the lakes freeze?
Where does Jackie go when she’s all alone?
“I’ll always be here for you,” they promised each other, but neither of them held their end of the bargain.
“Jackie?” She hears Nat’s voice from a short distance.
“Oh, hey,” she stands up, and dusts her pants. Immediately sucked back to reality, away from her memories.
“What the hell are you still doing here?” She asks fondly.
Jackie confusedly looks around to avoid Nat’s gaze, but she quietly says, “I’m treating you today.”
“You didn’t have to wait for me,” Nat’s grinning ear to ear because she’s kind of baffled.
“I owe you a meal.”
“No, you don’t,” Nat shakes her head, “I just wanted to hang out.”
Jackie smirks and shrugs her shoulders, “then, let’s hang out.”
“Okay,” Nat agrees, “but don’t do that again. Just go home next time.”
Jackie doesn’t say anything to that.
“Whadya mean you can’t drink?” Jackie widens her eyes in surprise.
“I just meant legally,” Nat says discreetly, “and I don’t have my fake ID on me right now.”
“How old are you?”
“Turned nineteen this year.”
“Me, too.”
“Hey, would you look at that,” Nat says, “same age.”
They’re in a bar not far from set, and Jackie looks at their order where they are sharing nachos and chicken fingers with two cans of sprite, and yeah, it checks out; they are kids.
There’s not a lot of people here, she only recognizes a couple of crew members but they pretend to not know each other. The radio is blaring commentary on some football game, and a good number of the lights are burnt out.
Real cozy.
“Do you think we know some of the same people?” Jackie asks her, “from back home.”
Nat creases her brows and leans back with folded arms to think about it. After a few moments, she leans forward and says, “actually,” she perks up, “my friend who helped me with this job went to Wiskayok.”
“Oh my god, who?” Jackie asks with intrigued.
“Van.”
“Van?” She bobs her head closer, “Van Palmer?”
“Yeah,” Nat excitedly agrees, “Van Palmer.”
“Holy shit. You know Van?” Jackie’s eyes look massive. Nat has never seen her this excited or expressive.
“Yeah, we’re good friends actually.”
“We played on the same soccer team for four years,” Jackie puts four fingers up, “god, I had a picture but it’s not with me anymore.”
“Oh, yeah,” Nat snaps her fingers trying to remember, “honeybees or some shit?”
Jackie lets out a hearty laugh, and Natalie feels her ears going red; she didn’t know how Jackie’s laugh genuinely sounded, she’s got to do it more often.
“It’s the Yellowjackets,” she corrects happily.
“Right, of course. That’s cooler than honeybees.”
Jackie huffs out a laugh and shakes her head, “I haven’t seen her in a while.”
“Guess you can do that if you go home for thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever.”
“No,” Jackie denies, a bit stiff, “no. I don’t— I haven’t been back since last July.”
“Oh, shit. How come?”
“It’s a long story,” Jackie says quietly, but she doesn’t sound all that upset.
“I’ve got time,” She shrugs.
“Nat,” she sighs, “it’s not a good one.”
They look at each other before speaking again, Nat can tell that something big must’ve happened; girls like Jackie don’t just leave everything behind.
Their legs are dangling from the bar stools, sometimes they’d lightly bump into one another until Nat just planted her feet under Jackie’s chair.
“Whatever you want,” Nat easily says, “it’s cool.”
“Do you ever visit?”
“Nah,” she shakes her head, “there’s nothing for me there.”
“Family?”
“Only child. My dad’s buried there, and my mom,” she looks up and inhales in a bit of annoyance, “my mom is— I dunno. It’s hard to explain. I don’t think they were supposed to be parents.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be,” she dismisses rather casually, “we’re all better for it.”
“I don’t think my parents were supposed to be parents either,” Jackie admits out loud, finding it easy to build some trust with Natalie; unfortunate kindred spirits, maybe.
“Sucks, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
Where do the ducks go when the lakes freeze in the winter? Where does Jackie go when she’s no longer wanted?
Jackie arrives at her apartment later than usual. She goes to crank open a window to let some air in since it feels stuffy. She can hear the movement of the cars, the invisible chirping cicadas, and the faraway loud mumbles of people.
She’s proud of herself for making this thing work for this long. Yes, this place is smaller than her own bedroom back home, but she’s been keeping it neat and tidy, there’s no clutter or unnecessary objects. Yes, she purposely avoided making any profound relationships for the past year, but Nat’s her friend now, right?
After her shower, she winds down by watching Sex and The City, keeping her phone right next to her like clockwork. As she starts dozing off, she hears a ring that startles her to sit up right. Her heart starts hammering into her ears as she waits for a moment to check who it might be.
What if…
But when she sees the screen, it’s a text message from Natalie that reads ‘thx 4 dinner. c u tmrw.’
Right, they exchanged numbers today.
Jackie wants to laugh seeing how Nat’s decided that she’ll see her everyday because she knows that she’s not only referring to seeing her inside the set. They’ll definitely find each other after work.
She touches the screen with her thumb, hovering over the words, and looks at the message for a while before she texts back ‘c u tmrw. gn.’
Natalie texts back ‘goodnight’ just a few minutes later.
She doesn’t really wait that night. Jackie falls asleep with her phone on the nightstand, but she doesn’t wait.
Only tonight.
——
It becomes a habit; finding each other in between the corridors, meeting up by Jackie’s trailer, Nat handing her strawberry-flavored suckers in between scenes for a bit of sugar rush.
Jackie’s a creature of habit, she still needs Nat’s tiny display of encouragement before she starts filming. They never mention it though, Nat probably doesn’t think much of it but it means the world to Jackie.
Today, both of them are sitting on the steps…well, Jackie’s sitting with her elbows propped on the higher step, and Nat’s laying on her back, staring at the sky. With dark sunglasses on and enjoying popsicles that Nat brought them, they just sit to take in the last sliver of summer.
“It’s gonna rain today,” Nat announces, seemingly out of nowhere.
Jackie lowers the sunglasses down the bridge of her nose and looks up. There’s clouds, but they look so sparse and high; not the type to bring rain in.
“No, it won’t.”
Nat smirks at her, “I really hope you brought an umbrella.”
“It’s not gonna rain.” Jackie really doesn’t want it to rain.
“We’ll see,” Nat challenges her. She turns her head back to look up, and Jackie can’t keep her eyes off of her.
They’re absolutely drenched. They went from loitering around the blocks, to feeling some raindrops on their palms, to absolutely being drenched in a matter of minutes.
“What the hell, Nat?” Jackie raises her voice a bit so she's heard through the rain, “are you psychic?”
They’re hiding under a window canopy of a closed clothing store, and Nat’s blonde hair looks darker as it’s wet and stuck on her face.
“No, Jackie,” she finds herself laughing, “it was on the news. I kinda wanted to play hero and save the day but I don’t have an umbrella.”
Jackie snorts, “and you were so sure that I wouldn’t watch the weather report?”
“I was kinda betting on it to work, Taylor,” she says, all fondness and delight.
“Well, did it?” She sarcastically asks, seeing the situation they’re in now.
“You’re still here, so I guess so,” Nat looks away when shrugs.
“Some hero you are,” Jackie shakes her head, but she looks in the other direction; she’s definitely blushing now.
“I tried,” she shrugs, seemingly unbothered by the distressing (and cold) situation they’re in. Jackie finds Nat’s demeanor rather calming and reassuring.
“Where do you live?” Jackie asks her, “far from here?”
“It’s gonna be a long walk,” Nat shakes her head, “not worth it.”
“My place is just a few blocks away. Come,” Jackie offers, “just wait it out with me.”
“You sure?”
“Totally.” Jackie takes off her denim jacket to use as cover, and she extends her arm for Nat and ushers her to come closer, “think it’s a good idea to run under the rain?”
“There’s been worse ideas out there.”
“Bet on me again?”
“Easy,” Nat says, full sincerity.
Water drops are falling from Nat’s eyelashes, Jackie looks at them and she feels something in her chest, and says, “okay, let’s go.”
Jackie doubts their neighbors heard any of the screaming and shouting that occurred in their household this evening. The rain drowned it all out, even the moment her dad flung the glass cup a few feet away from her that shards were all over the floor by her toes.
If it made no sound, it didn’t happen. Right?
She ran to her bedroom and locked the door behind her. She was waiting to cry but it didn’t happen. All she did was wonder why stayed a week after everything happened, why she thought it would just fizzle away.
It all happened so fast, then slow, and then she left.
Shauna. Jeff. Missed calls. Fights. Brutal words. Tears. Confessions to the wrong people.
Maybe they thought she was cowardly. Maybe that’s why they never checked her bedroom that night. Jackie’s never been brave.
But she quickly packed a bag, got all her cash from tutoring the O’Malley kids, and called the one person no one would think to contact if they were looking for Jackie; Misty Quigley, whose loyalty to the Yellowjackets was unabashed, who would drive under the rain at night to pick Jackie up, and would house her for a short weekend without asking too many question because Jackie said so.
There is some humor to remember that Misty is the first person she formally came out to. Of course, she spared her the details, but she swore her to secrecy.
She’d hadn’t seen her since that day but they still exchange letters every once in a while. Misty wrote to her that no one’s asked her if she ever came around.
Jackie doesn’t know if she’s thankful or angry by it.
She sent her first letter to her parents a week later when she was far enough from Wiskayok. She never heard back, and she finally cried.
Where does Jackie go—
“Which building is it?” Nat says into her ears, effectively taking her out of her trance.
“Right over there,” she points out.
“Come on,” Nat puts her arms around Jackie’s shoulders and they both enter the building. Before they go up the stairs, they try to swipe the water away from their arms, and wring their hair dry. “Which floor?”
“Second,” Jackie looks at the lights, “no elevator.”
“That’s fine.”
She unlocks the door and enters the studio apartment with Natalie behind her, their shoes make water trail prints as they walk in.
“I’ll get you some clothes,” Jackie tells her.
“Thanks,” she reposted, keeping her eyes on Jackie’s movement. She notices the collection of Ralph Lauren sweaters folded in the closet shelf, such a contrast from the old and chipped wooden closet that’s missing a handle.
Where did you come from?
She hands her a t-shirt and shorts, and Nat goes to change in the bathroom. Jackie checks the cabinets in her kitchenette, and finds a couple packs of instant noodles which look appetizing right now.
“Hey,” Jackie knocks on the bathroom door, “I got some noodles. Want some?”
“Yeah, sure,” she hears back. When the water boils, Jackie quickly changes into a shirt and sweatpants and puts her wet clothes near the window to dry. She’ll deal with it tomorrow.
Nat comes out of the bathroom wearing Jackie’s clothes. Stuck in the moment, Jackie tries not to put any idealism into this picture in front of her. She sees her looking around the place and she kneels by the nightstand where there’s a few miscellaneous items. She lifts an unframed picture of a little girl propped up by the table clock, “is that you?” Nat asks with amused curiosity.
Jackie turns from the pot and says, “oh, yeah. I like keeping it around.”
“Very cute,” Natalie turns the photo to look at it.
“Thanks,” Jackie rolls her eyes with affection.
“Lemme show you something,” Nat goes to grab her wet jeans and takes out her wallet from the pocket. She opens it and turns it to face Jackie, “I got a picture of little me too.”
Kindred spirits.
She takes a few steps closer to get a better look, and she softly smiles before saying, “you always had those cute dimples.” And she turns back to the stove to avoid Nat’s reaction, it could be awkward if Jackie was reading their flirtatious interactions all wrong.
“You think my dimples are cute?” Nat cheekily asks, there’s a bit of a sneaky dare in it.
Okay, she might not be all wrong.
“Yeah,” she honestly says, her back still to Nat. “I like them.”
“I think you smile pretty as well.”
Their empty bowls are on the side coffee table and they’re sitting next to each other on the small couch where they ate.
“How long have you been living here in this place?” Nat asks.
It’s still raining, and Jackie goes to light a candle.
“Last November.”
“Didn’t wanna upgrade?” Nat knows that Jackie gets paid enough to at least get a decent apartment.
“Not really,” Jackie says, and she sits back down, “I’m not staying here for long. I’m saving up for later.”
Nat’s not sure why this catches her by surprise, it’s not like she’s planting roots here too. Maybe, she’s just a bit flustered by Jackie’s slippery disposition.
“What about the show?”
“They’ll find someone else,” she casually says, “I’m signing a seasonal contract. So technically, they know I could leave anytime.”
“I guess,” Natalie nods, “but where would you go?”
Jackie hums and pauses for a few seconds, and then says, “somewhere pretty.”
“Georgia not pretty enough for you?” She smirks with raised brows and Jackie just gives her a light nudge for it.
“What about you?” Jackie looks at her, “I know you’re not staying here long term.“
“What makes you so sure?” Nat smiles at that. So Jackie does kinda think about her, huh?
“Dunno,” she shrugs. The pattering sound of the raindrops distracts Jackie momentarily, she leans to look towards the window.
“I don’t have any plans, but yeah,” she nods, “this is just a pit stop you could say.”
“For your roommate too? Kevyn?”
“Probably.”
Natalie looks at her surroundings; the TV with some glitched cracked lines, the yellow night light, the old wallpaper that’s peeling from the top, Jackie’s makeup pouch, perfume, and body lotion neatly arranged on the other side table.
It’s all pretty homey here.
“It’s not too bad, really,” Jackie says as she’s taking in her own space, “I like it.”
It should be a bigger deal that Nat’s here, regardless of context. All of Jackie’s late night escapades with women she meets in bars ended in their places, never hers, and she would leave at the crack of dawn before she’d even know their last names.
Nat’s her first ever guest.
“Yeah,” Nat turns to look at Jackie’s side profile, “I like it too.”
——
Afterwards, they start spending time together even on their days off. Natalie introduced Jackie to Kevyn and he kept eyeing her the whole time with a ‘can’t believe you actually made friends with her!’ face.
So, it’s not an awkward meeting when Nat calls Jackie to hang out at a bar where this local band wanted Kevyn to film their performances with his camera, and he recruited Nat to take the pictures.
The band members bought a bunch of beer, and no one really bothered to ID them. Jackie’s sitting by the bar, watching Kevyn standing behind his video camera and Natalie’s going left and right taking pictures. She doesn’t really like the taste of beer but she’s not complaining.
Natalie approaches her but she stands still a few feet away, “are you tired of cameras, or can I take a picture of you?”
“You’ll take a picture of me?” She repeats the question with a cocky face.
“Yeah,” Nat excitedly nods.
“Okay,” and she tidies her top before fixing her hair and posture and looking at the lens. But Nat switches cameras and she does it with the Polaroid one. The flash catches her by surprise that it almost looks like a candid.
When the film comes out, Nat fans it a little bit. Jackie extends her hand towards her, “can I have it?”
“No,” Nat teases, sneaking the picture behind her.
“Uhm, why?” Jackie raises an eyebrow, “it’s my face.”
“It’s my picture,” Nat raises her hand up so Jackie can’t reach.
“Give it,” she laughs as she grabs on to Natalie to force her arm down. It turns into a miniature wrestling match.
“But it’s mine,” Nat pouts when Jackie manages to drag her down into a chair, “I’d like to have a picture of you.”
Jackie stares her down, wondering how long they’ll be doing this to each other. But she doesn’t change anything, she follows along and says, “only if I have a picture of you.”
Because two can play at this game. And truthfully, Jackie can’t offer more than this right now.
“Deal,” Nat quietly says with a playful smile.
Jackie ends up keeping the picture in her nightstand. It might look like too much, too ‘love-struck’ but it’s not like she’s got any other place to put it.
And it’s not like Nat hadn’t taped her picture on the wall where puts all of her precious pictures, concert tickets, artwork, and posters.
It’s not like they both don’t take the biggest inhale of faraway hopes and dreams when they stare at the photos every day.
It’s fair game.
——
Jackie’s almost finished wiping off her makeup when Nat knocks on her door and enters the trailer. The weather is starting to get colder towards the evening which is why Nat opted to wear a pullover hoodie when the day ends. Jackie’s still sporting her denim jacket.
“Ready to go?” Nat drops on the couch. They’re not going anywhere, just walking home together until the crossroad separates them.
“Yeah,” she hastily walks around between the furniture, “just a minute.”
She opens the closet to get her jacket, first putting her hands inside the pockets to get her necklace out.
But it’s empty. Her golden heart necklace isn’t there.
“Huh?” She murmurs with a frown. She grabs on the jacket and pulls out the inner fabric of the pocket to double-check. Triple-check. Quadruple-check.
No. No. No.
This can’t happen.
She drops the jacket, and with it, she feels her heart sinking and palpitating. She opens both the closet doors and searches inside like a madman; her fingers tracing every corner for a sign.
“Everything okay?” Natalie stands behind her.
“My necklace,” Jackie’s voice cracks and she feels a lump, “I can’t find it.”
“Where do you usually put it?” Nat asks while looking around. She immediately clocks the shift in Jackie’s mood.
“I always take it off before I change, and put it inside my jacket,” she quickly explains, feeling a little breathless as she manically flips over the cushions.
“Alright,” Nat nods, and she helps in the search. “Alright.”
It’s getting really loud inside of Jackie’s head right now, she has no idea what Nat is doing behind her or if she’s saying anything to her at all. Jackie’s caught in the hurricane, and whatever is left of Jackie will actually break if she loses this one thing.
I can’t lose this. It’s not fair. It’s the last thing I have.
‘I love you,’ it echoes from the depth of her being. On her birthdays. Before her dad’s business trips. As Shauna holds her closer than anyone ever had.
It’s all in the necklace. That’s who she is.
Natalie’s scouring through Jackie’s trailer when she suddenly hears heaving and sniffles. She turns around and calls out, “Jackie?”
But she doesn’t respond. Nat goes to touch her shoulder to grab her attention, and it seems to alarm her since Jackie turns around so quickly.
“Did you find it?” She asks with a tremble of anxiety.
“No,” Nat mutters, she’s taken aback by Jackie’s red eyes, wobbly lips, and her chest is shaking. “Jackie, are you okay?”
“I can’t lose it,” she rasps out, tears already falling down her face.
She did all wrong. She loved Shauna all wrong; maybe she should’ve been more honest, she should’ve waited, she should’ve dumped Jeff’s ass a long time ago.
Shauna ruined it, but Jackie did it all wrong too.
Does Shauna even know what happened to her? Does she think that she’s in Rutgers? Jackie used to tell her everything, but who was she supposed to talk to when she was on a bus several states away.
“We’ll find it,” Natalie tries to comfort her, “I just need you to breathe, okay?”
“No—I need to find it right now,” Jackie’s cries, she tries to go back to searching back with her stiff fingers but Nat grabs her shoulders so they face each other.
“It’s here,” Nat says firmly. She’ll flip the whole studio upside down to find it for her, “please— just take a sec. You’re literally shaking.”
“I can’t lose it, Nat,” she starts to sob, “I don’t have anything else.”
‘I love you.’ Jackie tries to chase it, run after it. It goes further and further away from her. She can never catch it with her hands.
“Jackie,” Nat breathes it out like a whisper, “what’s going on?”
That’s when dams break. Jackie’s in the eye of the hurricane now, there’s no fighting it. She cries with hot tears and a shaking body.
“They don’t want me. I don’t have anything—I don’t have anyone anymore,” she admits as her heart is bursting through her chest, “I don’t know what to do—it’s only the necklace. The only thing.”
Nat wants to hold her but she looks an inch away from breaking; so fragile and brittle. She doesn’t have the words to say anything to her, she just puts a little bit more pressure into her grip on Jackie’s shoulders.
They don’t know each other well enough for it to hurt Nat like it does right now, but she’s wading the waist-high waters in this moment with her.
“Jackie, I—“
“My parents don’t want me,” she sniffles, “all because I like girls— I didn’t think they’d throw me away like that,” she tries to catch her breath, “they never tried to find me.”
“Shit, Jackie,” Natalie quietly says with a frown. She extends her fingers and presses her thumbs to Jackie’s collarbones and the other fingers are behind her neck, trying to put some pressure to calm the shaking.
“And now I don’t have her either,” she incoherently elaborates, “there’s no one— I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I tried so hard.”
Was it asking for too much? To be loved and held? Is she doomed to never find what she wants most in this world—
“Jack.” Nat’s calm voice springs her back to earth. “You’re okay,” she whispers, “you’re okay.”
Jack, no one’s called her that before.
Bloodshot eyes staring at dark blue eyes, suspended in time. Maybe the first moment of quiet in her head, even for a few seconds.
“You’re here, okay?” Nat tries again, “there’s me. There’s not ‘no one’. I’m here, okay?”
“I can’t,” Jackie shakes her head, “Nat, I didn’t know that it would be that bad,” she hiccups, “my dad tried to hurt—“ but the word is stuck on her throat, “and my mom— my mom didn’t even do anything. They don’t love me.”
Glass on the kitchen floor. Loud and jarring, even the thunder couldn’t compete. The two people in front of her are no longer her parents. They don’t even look the same anymore.
That’s when Nat’s face actually drops. She’s familiar with this, she unfortunately understands this part very well.
She bites her lips and looks at Jackie, then she asks with hesitation, “can I hug you?“
Despite it all, Jackie immediately throws her arms around Nat’s shoulders and buries her face into her neck. The crying and sobbing is mostly just shaking now, but Nat has a tight grip on her that it anchors her body.
“I’m sorry,” Nat sincerely says.
‘I love you,’ Jackie hears for an unreachable distance.
“I tried, you know,” Jackie says with a hoarse voice, “I sent letters, postcards, tried calling, and all. You know what they did?”
“What?” She sways them side by side.
“They changed the landline number,” she sniffles, “I auditioned for this stupid show— maybe they’d see me, or they’d miss me, and try to find me.”
Things are starting to fall into place. Nat can see the bigger picture, and it’s an ugly one.
“Jackie, I’m really fucking sorry,” Nat says with some anger on her behalf, “you shouldn’t be breaking your back just so they could love you.”
“It hurts.”
“I know, trust me,” Nat tells her.
“I don’t like it. I want it to stop.”
“It might take a while,” Nat remembers her own parents, her own childhood, “you’ll wish and pray for it. It happens for some people, but not all of ‘em.”
“What do I do?”
“You just gotta let it hurt,” Nat pulls away and they’re face to face. It’s silly to think this now, but even with Jackie's swollen and red face, she still looks very beautiful at this moment.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” Nat lets out a nervous laugh, “I kept the door open for so long, that I was the one who ended up leaving. I never looked back.”
Jackie does understand that Nat’s speaking out of experience. All the words point to that, and all she could think of is unfortunate kindred spirits.
“Do you miss them?” She vulnerably asks.
“Sometimes,” she nods, “but they’re not here anymore.”
“I still think that she’s here.”
Who is she? Nat wants to ask, but she’s worried it’ll open another can of worms.
“I was in love with her,” Jackie adds.
“Still?”
“I don’t know,” Jackie shakes her head, “I don’t think so.”
“Okay,” Nat takes it in, “you just gotta be nice to yourself about it. It’s not your fault.”
“It kinda was,” Jackie says with a bitter smile, “we weren’t good for each other.”
“Well, the rest of it wasn’t your fault.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know.”
“That easy?”
“Yeah,” she breathes out, “that easy.”
“I didn’t think my life would be this way,” she sighs, looking around the messy trailer.
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. And—“ she takes a strand of Jackie’s hair and tucks it behind her ear, “when you say that no one wants you, that’s like, objectively untrue. Okay?”
Jackie’s not sure if she believes her but maybe she’ll try.
“Okay,” she slowly nods, trying a small smile for her sake. The one who held her in all of this without selfishness to it.
‘I love you,’ Jackie holds out her hand to grasp.
‘I love you,’ she wants her to hear. It’s her eternal damnation, forever her undoing.
Nat ends up finding the necklace inside the accessory box. Jackie must’ve accidentally placed it there when she took it off. When Nat offers to walk her all the way to her apartment, Jackie sheepishly tells her that she has no desire to be there tonight.
They end up crashing on Nat’s bed, curled into themselves with some distance between them. They talk about nothing and everything, giving each other tidbits about their lives from before coming here. It’s nice; there’s fond memories, not all of it is terrible.
Jackie falls asleep before her, but when Nat wakes up, the other side of the bed is empty.
“Great,” Nat sighs lazily to herself, and she pulls herself out of bed. She should’ve known, maybe Jackie just needs space for herself.
She grabs her phone, and climbs out the window to the fire escape, and tips her head back with closed eyes to let the sunlight shower her for a moment.
After a few minutes of contemplation, she presses some buttons on her phone and takes a deep breath before dialing the number. It rings for a while until it goes into voicemail.
“Hey, Van,” she starts, “it’s me, Nat. How’s it going with you? I was just calling to—“ she interrupts herself to think about what to say. She should’ve planned this one out. “So, I met this girl. Says that she knows you, you were in the Yellowjackets thing together. Jackie Taylor, you know?” She says, “she’s okay, but I dunno—I don’t think she’s got a lot of people on her side, and maybe she’d be happy to see you, or hear from you,” she swallows nervously and picks at her thumb, “if you’re close to Georgia, or if you could drop by. I uhm—it would mean a lot to me. Thanks, Van. Take care.”
When she goes back inside, she finds a handwritten note on her shelf that says:
Sorry for running out like that.
Thanks for looking out for me. I appreciate it.
I’ll see you later :)
- Jack
Nat smiles and traces every letter in the paper. Any trace of her is lovely. When she averts her eyes, she sees Jackie’s denim jacket that she wears everywhere, neatly folded and tucked.
She purposely left it behind for Nat to find.