Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Todoroki Shouto is exactly 8 months, 3 weeks and 2 days younger than Bakugou Katsuki and 6 months and 5 days younger than Midoriya Izuku.

At the beginning of their highschool career at U.A., there’s no reason for Shouto to count the days, it doesn’t matter who’s older or younger and he’s not interested in it. Until the sports festival in their first year, he doesn’t socialize with the rest of the class more than necessary, his mind hyper focused on getting revenge on his father. He knows his quirk is strong, even without the fire of his left side, but only with Izuku’s insistence - and also Katsuki’s, but the greenette plays a bigger role back then - is he able to realize that both sides of his quirk are his and only his.

After that, he gradually starts opening up - to Izuku and a very reluctant Katsuki first, before he finds himself spending time with the rest of the class too. The closer they all get, the more he tries to remember every birthday, so it’s only natural that he memorizes Izuku’s and Katsuki’s at one point too.

It doesn’t matter until they all turn eighteen and they’re in their last year at U.A. It doesn’t matter until Izuku’s and Katsuki’s soulmark appears on their birthdays, months before his own.

Everything matters when the two of them have a match.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It’s a day before the end of their winter break when Shouto turns eighteen.

For the first time in years, he spent Christmas and New Year’s with his family. Their relationship is still strained, Natsuo still putting up the most fight in reconciling with their father, but he’s trying, just like Endeavour is. After everything that happened in the Paranormal Liberation War and afterwards, they all moved back into their house. Not that Fuyumi and Shouto ever moved out, but with his sister’s full-time job and his own full-time living in the school dorms, they’re both not home very often.

To the surprise of their whole family, it’s Shouto’s mother that proposes the idea of them all living together again. While his father still can’t quite believe the level of forgiveness his wife and children are granting him, his mother is determined to finally give her children the family they didn’t have growing up. Todoroki Rei and Todoroki Enji will probably never have the relationship other parents have, but Shouto has the impression that they’re both hoping for a friendship someday.

The eighteenth birthday is a special event in everyone’s lives. Some prefer to make a party out of it, some prefer to spend it only in the presence of their closest friends and family. And then there are the few that intentionally spend it alone, like Shouto.

His room is only dimly lit by the small lamp on his bedside table, providing just enough light that he can make out where his forearms are lying on his thighs. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, barely able to make out the time on his digital alarm clock in his peripheral vision. It’s only a few minutes until midnight, only a few minutes until he’s turning eighteen and the symbol that will match him to his soulmate will burn itself onto his skin.

He rubs his wrists, trying to imagine what his mark will look like and where it will appear. A symbol on the right wrist signals a platonic soulmate bond, one on the left wrist a romantic soulmate bond. It’s not unusual for people to have both, but a mark on only one wrist is more common.

A quick glance at his alarm clock shows him there’s only a minute left until midnight and he feels a ball of nerves sink into the pit of his stomach. His heart is pounding in his chest and he turns his arms around nervously. He’ll feel the burn of the mark anyway, he doesn't need to see it appear.

Turning his head, Shouto stares at the bright digits of his alarm clock. There can only be seconds left now and he feels his world slow down as the clock strikes midnight. For a few long moments, there’s nothing. The house is completely still, his parents and siblings having gone to bed already hours ago, and he holds his breath.

Just when he thinks something must be wrong, there’s a light burn on his left wrist, feeling almost like when he’s using the left side of his quirk for too long and the flames start affecting his body. The sting of it increases with every second until it mounts into one strong burn, as if someone is extinguishing a burning cigarette on his skin. Then, the pain is suddenly gone as fast as it came, leaving only a slight ache and tender skin behind.

Shouto likes to pretend he doesn’t know why he’s so anxious about his soulmark, but he knows the reason very well. He should be excited to see what symbol now sits on his wrist, but he can’t quite manage to when he only wants one mark on his skin. The only one he can’t have.

Taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart, he closes his eyes and turns his wrist. He almost tries to feel it first with his right hand, before he remembers the things they learned in health class about risk of infection and inflammation when a soulmark just appeared.

Trying to remind himself he stopped being a coward the day his mother splashed scalding hot water on his face, creating a different kind of mark on his face, Shouto blinks his eyes open and looks at his wrist. His heart just managed to calm down a little when he feels it sink to his stomach and skip a beat simultaneously.

It’s exactly the symbol he secretly wished for and at the same time prayed not to get.

A beautiful trident sits on half of his forearm, its three forks pointing to his palm. The skin around it is still a little red, contrasting with the brilliant gold of his soulmark. It almost looks like he could rub his skin and real golden dust would fall to the ground.

For a very long moment, Shouto just sits in his dimly lit room and stares at the mark on his wrist. He’s already familiar with it, having seen it almost daily for the last few months and catching himself staring at it more than he’s proud of. The ball of nerves in his stomach is slowly turning into a big lump of dread and with growing panic, he remembers that he has to go to school tomorrow. His eyes land on the packed bag by the door, ready to be taken back to U.A. and he suddenly feels very, very nauseous.

Shouto knows he should put some cream and a bandage on the tender skin of his wrist, but deciding that he really can’t be bothered at the moment, he gets under his covers and stares at his arm until the burn of his eyes changes from exhaustion to tears. When his vision gets too blurry to make out his soulmark, he closes his eyes and presses his wrist close to his chest.

There’s an ache where his heart should be and he thinks it’s fitting. After all, he gave his heart to Izuku and Katsuki a long time ago and it feels like someone stabbed and ripped it out with the trident on his wrist he now shares with both of them.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Shouto is fifteen and so full of rage and pain and disappointment, it feels like a festering wound under his skin, right where his heart should be.

He hasn’t seen his mother in years, wishes he wouldn’t have to see his father for years to come and doesn’t know anymore what the fire of his left side even feels like anymore. It’s almost fitting, how he feels as cold with rage as the only side of his quirk he swore himself to ever use.

Shouto is fifteen and makes it to U.A. as a recommended student when he wishes he could just take the entrance exam like 99% of the other teenagers. It puts him in the spotlight right from the start when all he wants is to vanish in between the other outstanding students.

Shouto is fifteen and a little egoistical, a trait he’s not proud of but doesn’t much care about when all he wants to do is show his father that he can become a better hero than him with only the power of his mother.

He doesn’t interact with the rest of their class more than necessary, but Midoriya Izuku and Bakugou Katsuki are still able to catch his interest from their very first lesson in hero training. When Aizawa-sensei makes them all compete in several disciplines and Bakugou is more than just a little competitive with him and Midoriya, Shouto is amused, even against his will. There aren't many kids his age he had the chance to interact with during his childhood, so it’s the first time he can really compete with someone else.

After that, the first few weeks come and go and Shouto is still standing at a distance to his class when it’s their turn to compete in the annual sports festival. When he’s lying in bed in the evening and stares at the ceiling of his room in the dark, he can even admit that he’s excited to take part in a competition he watched on TV ever since he was a little boy.

That excitement instantly vanishes when his father suddenly appears in the gymnasium where the event takes place and acts like his usual asshole-self. Suddenly Shouto is more livid than anything else and competes in the individual challenges in a trance-like state. His only goal is to win this whole thing and show his father that he can do anything without the fire he inherited from him.

He’s so deeply buried in his rage that there’s no real competition for him in the tournament event of the sports festival.

Until the semi-final. Until Midoriya Izuku.

Midoriya is determination personified and early into their battle, Shouto knows only his ice won’t be enough to defeat him. He doesn’t admit it though, still sure that with enough willpower, he’ll be able to win with just his ice, even when he feels his quirk reaching his limit. Usually, he would need to counteract the ice of his right side with the fire of his left, but even that he refuses to do.

Not knowing Midoriya that well, not knowing him at all really, he doesn’t expect him to pick up on his internal struggles. After the boy already busted both hands and an arm, Shouto is sure he’s winning. When he lets Midoriya know as much and thanks him sincerely for giving him the chance to prove that he doesn’t need the left side of his quirk and certainly not his father, the greenette completely surprises him by defending himself from his next attack by almost blowing one of his already broken fingers off.

“Where are you looking?!”, he screams and Shouto almost flinches at his harsh tone, his fucked up brain turning it into the voice of his father. When he looks up though, and locks eyes with Midoriya’s furious ones, Shouto feels a sense of calm settle over him that he hasn’t felt in a long time.

“It’s your power, isn’t it?!”

Almost immediately and without his consent, his left arm lights on fire, as if reacting to Midoriya’s words, and he sees his mother’s soft features in front of his eyes. There was a time where all he wanted was to be a hero and he’s suddenly strongly reminded of it as he sees Midoriya’s arm light up with red stripes and the other boy starts running towards him.

“I…want to be a hero, too.”, Shouto says quietly, for only his own ears and he’s sure he would have started crying right then and there if he wasn’t still so aware of the huge crowd around them.

Just when Shouto starts charging towards Midoriya, Cementoss-sensei activates a safety protocol and five huge slabs of stone push out of the ground between them. Neither he nor Midoriya seem to really notice them though as they both launch their attacks and blow the stones to bits and pieces.

Only when the dust settles and Shouto pants for breath does he really realize what just happened. Midoriya is unconscious and out of bounds and as he sees the other boy slumped against the wall of the gymnasium, Shouto feels guilty for hurting him this much. Before he can check on him, the medical staff is already looking after him and Present Mic announces his advancement to the next round.

It’s only a long time later, in the safety of a toilet stall, that Shouto realizes his heart might have skipped a beat when Midoriya looked at him with those blazing green eyes.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Shouto sleeps fitfully and with his new mark pressed tightly against his chest. Maybe if his wish for it is strong enough, he’ll wake up and the mark sits on his other wrist. This is not a platonic soulmark, Shouto knows that deep in his soul, but he’s gotten good at pretending he’s not in love with them.

When he wakes up the next morning though, the trident is still sitting on his left forearm, its golden colour shimmering in the pale winter sun. His eyes are sore from crying and as he trudges to the bathroom and looks in the mirror, his pale reflection stares at him with dark circles on his skin. He doesn’t look like someone who just got his soulmark a few hours ago.

The house is as quiet as the night before, his father and siblings probably already out for work and university. Sluggishly, Shouto washes his face, using his quirk to make the water as cold as possible without freezing it. The icy temperature reduces the swelling around his red rimmed eyes and wakes him up a little more. With utmost care, he puts some cream on the red skin around his mark, before bandaging it tightly. To hopefully avoid at least a few questions, he bandages his unmarked right wrist too.

He never really thought much about the date of his birthday, but now he’s glad it’s in the middle of winter and he can wear his long-sleeved school uniform. Finally fully dressed and with at least a few layers covering his mark, Shouto can breathe a little easier. On his way downstairs he even thinks that he might be able to live like this.

His mother is standing with her back to him at the sink when he enters the kitchen. There’s a steaming cup of tea waiting on the counter for him and he freezes in the doorway. The longer he stares at his mother, the more he feels his carefully gathered composure slipping through his fingers. She turns to the door and halts in her movements when she sees him. Her mouth is slightly open, as if she was about to call his name, but instead her eyes soften impossibly and she grabs a towel to dry her hands.

“Mom.”, he whispers and his voice cracks in the middle of the word. Immediately, the smile on his mother’s face turns to worry and she gathers him in her arms. Shouto is almost a head taller than her, but as she tightens her embrace around him, he feels like the little boy again that he was when she had to leave their house.

Rei doesn’t ask any questions, she just holds him until he’s able to compose himself, her hands rubbing soothing circles on his back.

“Happy birthday, Shouto.”, she says as she presses a kiss to his cheek. She doesn’t ask for his soulmark once or even mentions the topic, but when she accompanies him to their front door to see him off, she takes his left wrist gently into her hands and lets her fingers glide over the rough material of the bandage. She still doesn’t say anything to it, only wishes him a good first day at school and tightens the scarf around his neck, but her eyes tell him everything is going to be alright.

Shouto leaves before he can start crying again and wonders if his overly emotional state is a side effect of getting a soulmark.

It’s still early when he arrives at U.A. and the dorms are mostly quiet when he goes up to his room to put his stuff away. He knows that Izuku and Katsuki came back to school yesterday, so they’re already somewhere in the dorm and he wills his heart to stop pounding at the thought of meeting them. Again, he reminds himself that everything is just like it was before, the mark on his wrist won’t change anything.

Grabbing his school bag from his desk chair, Shouto makes his way back down to the common room. He doesn’t know what he looks like right now, if his face is still pale and his eyes bloodshot, but as he encounters Uraraka in their small kitchen, her brows furrow in obvious concern for a second, before she wishes him a happy birthday with a smile. Shouto pretends he doesn’t see her eyes flicker to his wrists, but she doesn’t say or ask anything.

One after the other, the rest of the class trickles into the common room, either through the front doors or from their rooms upstairs. When they all wish him a happy birthday but not even the nosier of his classmates ask about his soulmark, Shouto wonders if he really looks that bad or if they’re just trying to be considerate. He can’t quite believe the second option since they didn’t even have any reservations about asking Katsuki despite the risk of getting an explosion to the face. Maybe that was also because nobody believed his soulmate could be anyone but Izuku.

Lost in his thoughts, he doesn’t notice the concerned glances his classmates keep shooting him and only tunes back into the conversations around him at Kaminari’s sudden loud exclamation.

“Ah look, the lovebirds are finally gracing us with their presence.”

As Shouto looks up and sees Izuku and Katsuki coming down the stairs, lost in their own quiet conversation, there’s a sudden sharp ache in his chest, gone as fast as it came.

“Are you okay, Todoroki-kun?”, Uraraka asks him quietly as Katsuki starts chasing Kaminari around the common room to the obvious amusement of the rest of their class. Uraraka’s eyes are set on something on his chest and as he looks down, he notices only then that he has pressed his soulmark right to the spot above his heart. Quickly pulling his hand back down and sitting on it, Shouto gives Uraraka a smile that must look as fake as it feels.

“I’m fine.”, he says, just when Izuku comes up to them, with Katsuki only a few steps behind.

“Shouto!” Too focused on Izuku’s bright smile and Katsuki’s soft eyes, Shouto doesn’t even notice Uraraka standing up and giving them some space as the two of them sit down in the seats in front of him.

“Is everything alright, IcyHot?”, Katsuki suddenly asks before Izuku even has the chance to say anything else. At the blonde’s words, Izuku’s smile dims and his eyes sweep over Shouto in concern, probably taking in his pale skin and the dark bags under his eyes.

“Did something happen at home?”, the greenette asks in concern and Katsuki sits up straighter at the implication. They both know how his father was during his childhood, thanks to Dabi the whole world knows, and their worry is touching. Shaking his head no though, he tries to give them a smile and seems to fail at it when they look even more concerned than before.

“Or is it related to…?” Trailing off, Izuku looks meaningfully down at where his soulmark is sitting on his own wrist, the forks of the trident just so peeking out from where his sleeve rides up a little.

It’s silent for a long moment and even though the rest of their class is pretending to not listen in while they continue their own conversations and morning routines, Shouto knows they’ve probably heard every word. Taking a deep breath, he makes a decision.

“I didn’t get a mark.”, he lies and watches as Izuku’s and Katsuki’s eyes widen in surprise. Too distracted to notice anything else, he doesn’t see the flicker of disappointment crossing their faces as he rubs his thumb over his wrist under the table.

The next moment, Izuku steps around the table and hugs him to his chest in what feels like a silent apology for something he can’t do anything about. Shouto feels guilty about lying, but as Izuku squeezes him tightly and Katsuki reaches across the table to ruffle his hair, he can almost pretend for a second that his heart isn’t breaking in his chest.

The rest of their class is definitely pretending now that they don’t see a thing and as Shouto’s brain finally catches up with everything and he blushes in embarrassment, he gently pushes Izuku away and gives him a smile that feels a little more natural than before.

“I’m fine, really.”, he lies again and Izuku and Katsuki both nod after a moment of staring at him intently.

The rest of the day, they’re glued to his sides more than usual while Shouto pretends not to see the sorry looks the rest of the class is shooting him when they think he isn’t looking. Not all of them are eighteen yet but he’s the first one out of their class that hasn’t gotten a mark. Or so he lets them believe.

The next day, there’s a small package from his mother in the mail for him. He opens it in the evening in the safety of his dorm room and almost tears up again at the sight of two dark blue cuffs for his wrists, perfectly matched to his hero costume.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Shouto might not have won the sports festival in the end, but the final battle against Bakugou is as exhilarating as the one against Midoriya.

The blonde is hot-headed and aggressive and he’s good at pretending to hate Midoriya, but in their short encounter before the final match, Shouto could clearly see that he cares for the greenette in his own way, maybe even as much as he cares about his dream of becoming a hero.

The two of them have very different personalities but there are still some similarities they share. Like the determination and fire in their eyes and the dream of becoming the number one hero. Shouto wants to become a hero too, but he doesn’t care much about the ranking, not after his father wanted to use him to surpass All Might his whole life. Midoriya and Bakugou won’t settle for anything else than being the best though.

“Where are you looking?!”, the blonde demands to know when he wanders into the wrong waiting room and Shouto tries to ignore him. He’s instantly reminded of the battle against Midoriya and the exact same words the greenette screamed at him from the other side of the battlefield. Just like Midoriya’s, Bakugou’s eyes are blazing and Shouto ignores the skip of his heart as he watches the blonde’s retreating back.

After the battle, a trip to the infirmary and the award ceremony, Shouto packs his things and is about to make his way home when he meets Midoriya in front of the gymnasium. The school grounds are mostly empty by now and the greenette is talking to All Might of all people. They look familiar with each other and Shouto wonders why Midoriya knows the number one hero. He might be a teacher at U.A. now, but the man doesn’t have much contact with their class yet.

At the same time, he feels a kind of childlike excitement at seeing the man that has been his role model since he was a little kid. All Might is everything his father will never be and that’s exactly the reason Endeavour was never able to surpass the other man.

The two of them are standing in the middle of the path, so Shouto has to pass them even if he didn't want to. Upon seeing him walk closer, they stop their conversation and Shouto would’ve been suspicious if it was literally anyone else but All Might.

“Young Todoroki!”, the number one hero exclaims, a friendly smile on his face. “That was a great overall performance in the festival, my boy!”

“Thank you, All Might-sensei.” Bowing slightly, Shouto tries not to feel too embarrassed.

“Alright my boys, I’ll see you in school tomorrow! Have a safe trip home!” With that, the man turns around and runs from the school grounds at lightning speed. Shouto wonders if he’s the reason Midoriya and All Might have cut their conversation short, they didn’t seem to be finished yet.

“Todoroki-kun.”, Midoriya addresses him and Shouto looks back over to him. The other boy is smiling kindly at him and it’s such a stark contrast to his anger during the battle tournament that Shouto can’t believe it’s the same person standing in front of him right now.

“Thank you.”, Shouto says before he’ll lose his courage. “For what you did when we were fighting each other.”

Looking at the trees framing the path, Shouto watches the setting sun shine prettily through the leaves. It’s easier to say this without looking at the other boy.

“Endeavour and I…”, he starts, not really knowing how to put this in words. “You witnessed first hand that we don’t have the best relationship. We don’t have one at all, really.”

For a moment, Midoriya just looks at him and it’s a strange feeling to be the object of his undivided attention. His eyes are so expressive that they make you want to look closer and evade them at the same time.

“It’s really no problem.”, he says then, looking down at his shoes a little embarrassed. “You probably would’ve won against me with only your ice anyway. But just like I said, it’s your quirk, not your father’s and not anyone else’s.”

“Thank you.”, is the only thing Shouto can say to express his gratitude.

“Oh and congratulations on getting second place!”, Midoriya suddenly exclaims and beams at him as he says it. Shouto can’t do anything but smile back tentatively in the face of that brilliant smile.

“I placed first, how come you haven’t congratulated me yet, stupid nerd?”, another voice suddenly speaks up and as Shouto turns around, Bakugou is standing right behind them, his bag slung over one shoulder and his signature scowl in place.

“Kacchan!”, Midoriya exclaims nervously, just like he always seems to be whenever Bakugou is around. Shouto knows they’re childhood friends, but since they don’t act like such at all, he wonders what happened. There seems to be a lot of history between them.

“Congrats for placing first.”, Shouto says, feeling like he needs to somehow save Midoriya from dying of nervousness.

“Ah yes, congratulations Kacchan.”, Midoriya adds while fumbling with the straps of his backpack anxiously.

Bakugou grunts in response, giving the impression that he doesn’t really care in the end.

“And thanks to you, too.”, Shouto tells the blonde, assuming he heard his conversation with Midoriya. When he looks to the side in what’s supposed to look like indifference but is clearly embarrassment, Bakugou seems to know what he’s being thanked for and Shouto has to suppress a smile. The blonde is much kinder than most people give him credit for, but at least their class is slowly starting to see behind his permanently angry front.

“Whatever.”, is all Bakugou replies and steps around them without another word.

“I guess I’ll start making my way home too or my mom will start worrying.”, Midoriya says when Bakugou is out of sight. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Todoroki-kun!”

Call me Shouto, he almost blurts out and watches as Midoriya gives him another smile as he starts walking away too, waving once more at the gate before he’s out of sight. Shouto stares after them for another long moment, wondering what he’s gotten himself into now.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In February, more than a month after getting his soulmark, their whole class is already deep into studying for the final exams in March and Shouto is kind of miserable.

Between the heartache of seeing Izuku and Katsuki every day and keeping his mark hidden at all times, the added stress of studying makes Shouto feel like he’s only a step away from bursting into tears at the slightest inconvenience. He’s a good student, always has been, but these are probably the most important exams of his life, so it’s only natural that he feels anxious about them.

Shouto isn’t one for group studying, so he usually sits alone in his room or some tables away from the other groups of their class in the common room. He’s too impatient to teach and he’s better at memorizing on his own, but sometimes Izuku still manages to persuade him into at least sitting with him and Katsuki at the same table. The blonde is a surprisingly patient teacher and being one of the tops of their class too, he often helps Izuku or one of their other friends with studying or homework.

Today though, Shouto chose to sit alone. It’s a rainy Sunday, the weather not doing much to motivate them and Shouto catches himself staring more at the droplets of water running down the glass of the windows than at the open textbook in front of him. Lately, he’s easily distracted and he hates it.

Izuku and Katsuki are sitting a few tables away, talking quietly while comparing their notes. It’s only the two of them at their table, the rest of the class spread out around the common room in several small groups. They’re easily as distracting as the rain outside and Shouto catches himself staring at the two of them more than once.

He doesn’t know if it’s just his imagination or if it’s really a thing that can happen, but his mark throbs painfully everytime he looks at Izuku and Katsuki. The red skin around it has long since healed but it still feels like an open wound that won’t close.

Long since distracted from his textbook, Shouto watches as they both concentrate on their own work again, before Katsuki stands up a few moments later and cards a hand through Izuku’s green locks on his way to the kitchen. The greenette’s smile can only be described as utterly fond as he stares after his boyfriend for a moment, before turning back to his work.

Katsuki comes back a few minutes later with two steaming cups that he places down in front of Izuku and his own currently empty seat. Not sitting back down yet, Izuku catches the blonde’s hand before he can turn back to the kitchen and quickly pulls him down for a sweet kiss. Katsuki smiles against his lips, before pulling back. The tips of his ears have turned as red as Izuku’s cheeks and Shouto finally looks away, feeling like a creep for staring so long.

Trying to concentrate back on his textbook, the words of whatever he’s supposed to be reading start blurring together and he rubs his tired eyes. He’s not sleeping very well lately, all of his worries keeping him up at night.

The sudden noise of something being put down on the table right in front of him startles Shouto and he stops rubbing his eyes. There’s a fresh cup of tea where his textbook was lying just moments ago and as he looks up, Katsuki is standing right beside his table, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatpants.

When Shouto just stares at him dumbly for a moment, Katsuki sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “You need to stay hydrated, dumbass.” Lifting his hand from his own head to Shouto’s, Katsuki ruffles the red and white strands, before turning around and sitting back down in front of Izuku. The latter smiles at him softly and lifts his cup in a toast as Shouto looks over at them dumbfounded.

When Izuku finally looks away, Shouto raises his own tea to his lips and takes a sip. It tastes exactly as he likes to drink his tea, not too sweet and not too bitter and he suddenly feels warm inside from not just the hot beverage in his hands. Feeling a little more energized, he finds that he can read the text in his book and even understand what it's talking about. Finally able to concentrate on studying, Shouto pulls some paper and his textbook closer and starts taking notes.

Hours later, Shouto wakes up in the now empty common room, not remembering when he even fell asleep. It’s dark outside now and as he sits up properly, something warm and soft slips from his shoulders and to the ground. Turning around in his seat, he picks up a cardigan and wonders who laid it over his shoulders while he was asleep.

Rubbing the soft material between his fingers, he lifts it closer to his face and takes in the familiar smells of Izuku and Katsuki. He can’t tell who the cardigan originally belonged to, but just the thought of one of them putting it over his shoulders while he slept brings warmth to his face.

Smiling like an idiot at such a simple gesture, Shouto gathers his things and walks up to his room, the cardigan still hanging over one of his arms. At least he’ll sleep a little bit easier tonight.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

During the whole disaster that is their summer training camp Shouto doesn’t really know what he’s feeling.

There’s a whole lot of desperation as the League of Villains attacks them, again, and pumps some kind of narcotic gas into the forest surrounding them and his heart pounds with fear as they realize Aizawa-sensei and the Wild, Wild Pussycats are unable to help them.

When they find Midoriya with his body already half destroyed from a fight nobody witnessed, they try to make their way back to camp and Shouto finds he can’t look away from his injured form tied to Shoji’s back. He doesn’t really understand why it worries him so much, but as he lets his gaze wander over the rest of their small group and his eyes get stuck on Bakugou’s scowling face, he realizes that he’s not the only one.

Midoriya’s and Bakugou’s relationship seems to be complicated and filled with many things and feelings unsaid, but it’s still clear to see that they care a great deal about each other. Even if they’re both good at pretending otherwise.

Desperation is not big enough of a word for the things Shouto is feeling when they’re not even strong enough to save their friends. His heart is racing in his chest, the adrenaline in his veins enough to make him nauseous. He feels his legs about to give out when he runs after the retreating League of Villains and the strange blue marbles Bakugou and Fumikage are locked away in. Shoji and Midoriya are right beside him, just as desperate, and it’s a miracle the greenette is still able to stay on his feet, let alone move around and run as much as he does.

It’s only thanks to Aoyama that there’s even a chance of rescuing their classmates and as Shouto sees the marbles fall from Mister Compress’ mouth, he stretches his hand out, feeling momentary relief as he thinks he’s going to make it. Just as his fingertips grace the cold blue glass, the guy with the scorching blue flames snatches the marble up and Shouto can only stare in dread at the empty space in front of his face.

He was so close, so close, and still didn’t make it. Colliding with the hard ground, Shouto only stops tumbling when his body crashes into the hard trunk of a tree. There’s a sharp pain in his ribs as he scrambles up and around, ready to try again, but all he can do is watch as Bakugou and Fumikage are turned back and the blonde’s stunned face stares at them as he gets pulled into the portal one of the villains opened for them to escape through.

Shouto’s legs are glued to the ground and even as he desperately wills them to move, he just keeps standing as the blood rushes in his ears and he only vaguely notices that Shoji was at least able to save Fumikage. It takes a moment for his brain to register that the marble he was trying to reach was the one with Bakugou in it, but as it finally does, it feels like his heart is beating all the way up in his throat.

Despite everything they tried, despite this great quirk everybody tells him he has, Shouto is not even enough of a hero to save his friend from getting kidnapped. He feels so utterly helpless, so completely lost that he can’t even react when Midoriya puts his last strength into running after Bakugou.

It’s too late though, and Shouto won’t ever forget Midoriya’s and Bakugou’s faces as they both realize that the greenette won’t make it in time.

“Kacchan!”, he screams desperately, his voice completely hoarse.

“Deku!”, the blonde calls back, his red eyes as desperate as Midoriya’s voice. “Stay away!”

With that, the portal closes and they’re left staring at the empty space the villain’s have been standing in just moments before. Shouto sags in disappointment and guilt, his heart still pounding from the leftover adrenaline. As he finds that he can finally move his legs again, his body moves of its own accord as Midoriya’s legs finally give out.

Shouto catches him before he can hit the ground and lowers them gently to their knees. Midoriya is shaking from head to toe, his eyes still wide in panic as he stares at the empty space in front of them.

“Midoriya.”, Shouto starts and almost startles as the greenette suddenly grabs his arm with surprisingly strong fingers.

“Todoroki-kun.”, Midoriya interrupts him before he can say anything else and turns his head to look at him with tears brimming in his terrified eyes. “He’s gone. Kacchan is gone.”

Something sharp pulls at his heart at those words and the reality of what just happened sets in with a sudden intensity that would have brought Shouto to his knees if he hadn’t already been kneeling. Midoriya is fully crying now, the tears streaming down his face and dripping down his chin since he can’t lift his mangled arms to wipe them away.

“Midoriya.”, Shouto repeats, just able to react in time to catch the greenette in his arms as he finally passes out from a combination of pain and exhaustion. Seeing him like this brings tears to his own eyes and Shouto looks up at the dark sky and the blue flames still roaring in the forest surrounding them.

“We’re going to get him back.”, he swears and tightens his arms around Midoriya. “I promise.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Shouto.” Izuku’s voice pulls his attention from gathering his pens and books to the greenette standing beside his desk. The rest of the class is already filing out of the classroom as Izuku kneads his hands nervously.

“Do you have a minute?”, Izuku goes on and glances back over at where Katsuki is waiting at the door. “Kacchan and I would like to talk to you about something.”

Shouto can’t prevent the skip of his heart as his hands stop packing his bag. His soulmark throbs painfully on his skin as he reminds himself that this doesn’t mean anything. They just want to talk to him, like friends do.

“Sure.”, he replies and tries to sound nonchalant as he turns his face away. “What’s up?”

From the corner of his eye, he sees Izuku looking at Katsuki anxiously as the blonde nods in encouragement and walks over to them. The classroom is empty by now, even Aizawa-sensei is already gone, and Shouto tries not to feel nervous.

“Okay, so, Kacchan and I have been talking about this for some time now and weighed the pros and cons if it’s really a good idea, but we’re set on it now, so we wanted you to be the first one to know, not even our parents or All Might know about it yet and-”

“Nerd.”, Katsuki interrupts Izuku patiently. “You’re rambling again.”

“Is everything alright?” Shouto is now more than a little concerned. Izuku only rambles like this if he’s really anxious about something.

“Yes!”, Izuku replies immediately, his eyes wide. “Yes, everything is fine. We just wanted to tell you that- that-”

“Deku and I are going to the US after graduation.”, Katsuki interrupts again, looking a little fed up with Izuku’s inability to just say it.

For a moment, Shouto just looks at them, wondering why they needed to tell him about a vacation in such a serious setting. As he takes in their nervous expressions and the anxiety that is still clearly radiating off of Izuku, he feels like he’s missing something very big and very important.

“That sounds like fun?”, Shouto replies, unsure of what to say, and pulls the zipper of his bag closed. “Are your parents coming with you? I mean, they are probably interested in a vacation like that too, right?”

As he turns back around, his bag slung over one shoulder, Izuku and Katsuki look at each other for a second in silent communication and Shouto now really feels like they’re having two different conversations.

“Shouto.”, Izuku says again, his brows slightly furrowed. He doesn’t look as anxious anymore, but he’s still kneading his hands nervously. “We’ll be going there for work.”

Shouto’s mind screeches to a halt, his heart suddenly beating twice as fast. He wonders when they started planning this and why they only tell him when everything is already decided. They might not know that he’s their soulmate, but if nothing else he’s at least their best friend. Or so he thought.

“That sounds cool.” Trying really hard to sound excited for them, Shouto isn’t sure he pulls it off. Izuku looks relieved though, and he can see Katsuki’s shoulders relax. “Are you planning on doing an internship?”

“Yeah, something like that.”, Izuku replies and exchanges another look with Katsuki. Their weird behaviour does nothing to lessen the sudden dread curling in Shouto’s stomach.

“We’ve got an offer to work as sidekicks at a famous American hero agency.”, Katsuki tells him, his fingers flexing where he’s holding onto his backpack with one hand.

Sidekicks, that…sounds honestly amazing and exciting but for some reason Shouto can’t muster the happiness he’s supposed to be feeling for them. Being sidekicks is an actual job, not just an internship that’s going to be over after a few weeks or months. Does that mean they’re going to stay longer than that in the US?

“That’s amazing!”, Shouto tells them and hopes his voice doesn’t sound as fake as his smile feels. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you.” Izuku smiles warmly at him for a moment, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Katsuki snakes an arm around the greenette’s waist, looking down at him with a soft smile. Shouto feels guilty and out of place when it makes his heart skip a beat.

“The thing is, though…”, Izuku says then and Katsuki’s arm tightens around his waist in silent support. “We’re going to stay there for at least 18 months. That’s how long our contracts are going to be.”

Shouto doesn’t know what he thought how long they’re going to be out of Japan, of course they’re not just going to the US for a few short weeks when they got a job offer to be sidekicks, but he didn’t think it would be several years. One and a half years sounds like an incredibly long time when they lived from week to week during their whole highschool career, just trying to survive day by day with everything that happened.

“That’s…”, Shouto tries to formulate an answer but comes up short. What do you say when your soulmates tell you they’re going to another continent for 18 months? Shouto should be happy for them, and he really is, but at the same time his heart is breaking a little in his chest. Not that that’s anyone’s fault but his own.

“That’s amazing.”, he repeats and his smile feels a little more genuine this time. “That’s a really great opportunity.”

The relief is visible on their faces now and Shouto tries not to question why they were so nervous in the first place. It’s not like he can tell them to stay and even if he could, it’s not like he would.

Before either Izuku or Katsuki can say anything, Shouto’s phone starts ringing in the front pocket of his backpack and he suddenly remembers that his mom told him she’ll call him after class so they could chat and catch up. It feels a little like she’s saving him, from what, he doesn’t know.

Scrambling to get his phone out of his bag, he looks at Izuku and Katsuki apologetically. “It’s my mom.”

“It’s okay, take it!”, Izuku says immediately. “We can talk later.”

With a thankful smile, Shouto grabs his bag and rushes out of the classroom, taking the call when he’s out in the hallway. Phones are usually not allowed in the school building, but the halls are empty and he’s on his way to their dorm in less than a minute.

“Mom?”, he greets her as he takes the call and walks to a silent corner of the school grounds outside.

“Shouto.”, she greets back, her voice warm and affectionate and Shouto suddenly feels tears stinging his eyes.

“Mom.”, he repeats, his voice now even miserable to his own ears, and he’ll be forever thankful that she doesn’t say anything, doesn’t ask any questions, and just lets him cry.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The absolute terror Shouto feels when they’re hiding behind a thin wall, All For One just mere metres away from them, is something he hasn’t felt before and can’t compare to anything. Not even his father has ever awoken such strong fear in him when he was a child and as he glances at his friends beside him, he sees them shaking just as much as him, their eyes wide in silent panic.

Even if he wanted to, Shouto can’t move a muscle, his limbs paralyzed with fear. When they suddenly hear Bakugou’s voice beside the ones of the pro-heroes, his eyes snap to the side and meet Midoriya’s wide ones. Immediately, Shouto’s brain supplies him with several possibilities of a rescue attempt and he sees in Midoriya’s eyes that he’s thinking the same.

Before they can even move a finger, Iida grabs them both by their shirts to keep them in place, but his eyes look just as desperate to do something. All Might rushes to Bakugou’s rescue, though, before they can do anything, but it’s soon clear that he won’t be able to fight the League and save the blonde at the same time.

Shouto understands that Iida doesn’t want them to break the rules and use their quirks in a fight when they’re not allowed to, but he’s still itching to help Bakugou somehow.

“Guys, I have an idea…”, Midoriya suddenly speaks up, lifting his hands placatingly at Iida’s glare. “One where we don’t have to use our quirks to fight.”

Only a few minutes later, they discard Midoriya’s initial idea of hurling Kirishima into the air and instead catapult him with Shouto above the battleground and right into Bakugou’s line of sight. The blonde’s usually so composed demeanor, beside his permanent annoyance, cracks for a moment as he looks directly at Midoriya and Shouto can see the relief in his eyes.

“Kacchan!”, Midoriya screams down and stretches an arm out towards him. Bakugou stares at them for another second, before he averts his gaze and lets off one of the biggest explosions Shouto has ever seen from him. The force of it careens him straight towards them and as he latches onto Midoriya’s hand, the blast of the explosion is so strong that Shouto reaches out too and Bakugou grabs his hand without hesitation.

As they're flying through the air, Shouto looks at Midoriya and Bakugou, at their entwined hands and the short smile they're sharing, their rocky relationship forgotten for a moment. He feels his heart skip a beat at the same time the relief of having pulled off this crazy rescue sets in.

As they land a safe distance away, Shouto can't help but keep staring at Midoriya and Bakugou. His heart is racing in his chest now as he looks at them and takes in Midoriya's relieved smile. He has the sudden urge to walk over and hug him and he feels himself blush at the thought. Bakugou is back to his usual annoyance, but as they reunite with Kirishima and Momo, Shouto sees him stealing glances at Midoriya, his face impassive but his eyes unbearably soft.

Shouto looks at them and thinks Oh shit, as he realizes that he’s far past a simple crush.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When Shouto can’t sleep, and that’s quite often the case since he got his soulmark, he stares at the ceiling of his dorm room and tries to recognize shapes in the weird colours swirling in front of his eyes from looking too long into the complete darkness around him.

It’s a little like counting sheep and if he’s lucky, he falls asleep while identifying one shape and searching for the next. It’s also distracting, since his brain likes to start worrying when all he wants is to sleep, but instead he’s thinking about exams and Izuku and Katsuki and his parents and Izuku and Katsuki and his soulmark and Izuku and Katsuki.

It’s gotten bad after the night of his eighteenth birthday and it’s gotten even worse after they told him they’re going to the US after graduation. Before his birthday, before the mark, loving Izuku and Katsuki was always bittersweet, but Shouto could at least pretend to be okay, pretend to feel nothing more than friendship for them. Now, the longing is like a festering wound, permanently hurting but getting worse whenever he sees them. So he tries to avoid them whenever he can.

It’s only a few weeks until their graduation, the last of their exams are done in only a few days, so his behaviour is not completely strange yet. He likes to study alone and everybody knows that, but now, instead of at least sitting somewhere near the class, Shouto tends to spend his time in his room. He talks to Izuku and Katsuki like he usually would when he can’t avoid it, but he doesn’t seek them out or spend what little free time they have with them.

Of course they’ve noticed it, even the rest of the class has looked at him in concern a few times already, but nobody has said anything yet. It’s almost like he’s gone back to his behaviour from their first year, before the sports festival, and he knows it worries his friends, but it’s not like he’s going to explain himself if nobody is asking for an explanation. And even then he’ll just lie his way out of it.

Glancing at his alarm clock, he notices that it’s not that late yet. At 11pm everybody is usually back in their rooms and Shouto decides the risk of meeting anyone downstairs is rather small, so he sits up and pushes his covers back. He’s thirsty and can’t sleep anyways, so a trip to the kitchen to get some water will hopefully help somehow.

The hallways are quiet when he closes his door behind him and shuffles down the stairs barefoot. It’s only on the last step that he realizes the lights in the common room are still on and as he’s just about to turn around and go back to his room, Mina trudges sluggishly past him, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

“Good night, Todoroki.”, she says, half asleep already, and drags herself up the stairs. Shouto stares after her for another minute, making sure she won’t stumble down the stairs, before he continues his way to the kitchen, not thinking much about how she left the lights on. She was probably too tired to notice.

When he rounds the corner though, Uraraka and Kirishima are just gathering their pens and books. It looks like they’ve been studying until now and as he hopes to walk past them quietly, Uraraka gathers some used glasses and turns around to bring them to their kitchen.

“Todoroki-kun.”, she says in surprise and Kirishima looks up at her exclamation.

“Why are you up so late?”, she asks as she joins him on his way to the kitchen, Kirishima not far behind them with a bottle of orange juice in his hand.

“I could ask you the same.”, he replies teasingly, making her smile good-naturedly.

“Mina, Kirishima-kun and I went over some topics for the math exam that we don’t understand.”

Nodding silently, Shouto opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of water as Kirishima uses that chance to slip the half-empty bottle of orange juice back in. Gesturing to the water, Shouto takes a sip before explaining himself.

“I couldn’t sleep and got thirsty.”

Taking another sip, he sees Uraraka and Kirishima exchange a glance when they think he isn’t looking. Wondering if he said something weird, Shouto tries to ignore it, putting the cap back onto his bottle to take it back to his room with him.

“Todoroki-kun, we were wondering…”, Uraraka suddenly starts as she deposits their used glasses in the sink. “Is everything alright?”

Looking at her in confusion, Shouto nods slowly. “Yes. Why shouldn’t it be?”

“It’s just…”, Kirishima speaks up now and hesitates. “We are worried.”

Of course they are, Shouto knows that already, can see it in every look they think he isn’t seeing, and it’s nice, really, to finally have friends that care so much, but he can’t tell any of them what’s really going on. It’s already a miracle that Izuku and Katsuki haven’t cornered him yet.

“Did something happen?”, Uraraka asks, her eyes so earnestly concerned that Shouto feels a heavy lump of guilt settle in the pit of his stomach. “You’re behaving strangely, ever since your birthday…” Her voice trails off quietly, obviously not wanting to make him uncomfortable. It’s an open secret that he didn’t get a mark on his birthday.

Unconsciously gripping the bandage over his soulmark - he still wears those under the cuffs his mother gifted him - Shouto forces himself to let go of his arm when he notices both Uraraka and Kirishima glancing down at it. It’s suddenly itching and at this point, Shouto doesn’t know anymore if his body is really reacting or if he’s imagining all of it.

“You don’t have to tell us.”, Kirishima says placatingly. “It’s just… You’re not even talking to Midoriya and Bakugou that much anymore. Did something happen between you? Did you fight?”

“They’re worried too, you know.”, Uraraka lets him know when Shouto just stubbornly stays quiet. Suddenly feeling cornered, Shouto frowns in annoyance. He’s tired and exhausted from the little sleep he’s getting lately and he really doesn’t have the patience to be dealing with this at half past eleven in the evening.

“It doesn’t matter.”, he says and tries to squeeze past Kirishima in the doorway in a rush to get away. “They’re leaving anyway.” He adds it quietly, more to himself than anyone else, but as he forcefully shoulders past Kirishima, the redhead catches his arm, his hand closing right above his soulmark.

“Whoa, Todoroki, it’s okay, I’m sorry. We didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Pulling at his arm forcefully, he rips it out of Kirishima’s hold and registers only a moment later that the bandage is still in the redhead’s hand. Suddenly feeling a lump of panic lodged in his throat, Shouto looks down at his arm at the same time Uraraka and Kirishima do and sees his soulmark exposed in all its beautiful glory.

Panicking for real now, Shouto grabs his arm and tries to cover it with his hand, ripping the bandage out of Kirishima’s hand when the other is just staring at him in what could be shock or surprise or just utter disbelief. The water bottle has long since tumbled out of his hand and hit the ground with a thud.

“Shouto.” Looking at him like he’s a startled animal about to flee, Uraraka walks slowly towards him, her hands lifted placatingly. Shouto scrambles back, still gripping his arm tightly, and stumbles over his own feet in his haste to get away. He lands hard on his ass, only barely catching himself on his hands to soften the fall at least a little.

“Todoroki!”, Kirishima exclaims in surprise and falls to his knees beside him, Uraraka doing the same on his other side a second later. “Are you okay?”

Ignoring them and staying silent, Shouto curls over the mark on his arm, his other hand coming up to cover the sudden stinging in his eyes. The bandage slips from his fingers and is lying somewhere to the side now.

“Shouto.”, Uraraka says again and the second time she’s saying his first name is enough to make him look up.

“Oh Shouto.”, she repeats emotionally and gathers him in her arms a second later. Kirishima puts a comforting hand on his shoulder in silent support and Shouto feels a sob force its way out of his throat as he clings to Uraraka.

It takes a few minutes to compose himself and when he finally somewhat does, Kirishima leaves his side for a moment to grab the water bottle he let fall earlier. Taking a few sips, the cool water slips soothingly down his throat and he already feels a bit better when Uraraka hands him a tissue.

They sit in silence for a long moment as Shouto wipes his face clean and takes the occasional sip of water. When the bottle is empty and his face is dry, Uraraka takes his hand, the one where his soulmark sits right under his wrist, and turns it around to look at the mark. Shouto lets her, she has already seen it anyway.

“Is this why you’ve been so distant lately?”, Kirishima asks quietly, looking down at the golden trident on his left forearm. Izuku and Bakugou don’t show theirs off on purpose, but they don’t hide it either, so the whole class knows what it looks like.

Shouto nods quietly, looking anywhere but at his mark. He doesn’t look at it very often, the cuffs and bandages around both sides of his arms usually only coming off when he’s showering. Because they already know the truth, Shouto pulls the bandage from his right arm too, the skin under it paler than the rest of the limb.

“They don’t know the truth, right?”, Uraraka asks and it’s more of a rhetorical question because the answer is quite obvious, but Shouto nods anyway.

“And they’re never going to find out.”, he adds when both of his friends look a second away from trying to convince him to confess his undying love. They’re silent now instead and when Shouto doesn’t say anything else, Uraraka smiles at him carefully.

“That’s okay.”, she says and squeezes his hand between both of her own. “Can I ask why, though?”

Shouto hesitates, every reason he ever thought about for justifying not telling his soulmates about their shared mark on the tip of his tongue. Instead of telling her every single one, he settles for the two he thinks about the most.

“They’re already so happy together, I don’t want to ruin that. Everyone expected them to be soulmates, even before they got their marks, and now that there’s a third one in the equation, wouldn’t that mess everything up?”

Looking down at where his hand is still being held by Uraraka, Shouto grabs the bottle of water in his other hand tighter. His shoulders sagging, he feels the exhaustion from the last few months roll over him like a big wave, threatening to drown him.

“They’re gone in a few weeks anyway, there’s nothing good that can come from me telling them.”

“That’s alright.”, Uraraka says after a moment of silence. “It’s your decision.”

Nodding in agreement, Kirishima squeezes his shoulder. “You need to do what will make you happy, not what others expect from you.”

Shouto can’t see a near future where either telling them or not telling them will make him happy, but he doesn’t say that outloud. He settled for feeling okay with keeping his love for Izuku and Katsuki hidden a long time ago and with some time, he’s sure he’ll feel the same about his shared soulmark with them.

“Thank you.”, Shouto tells them and Uraraka nods and smiles at him gently as she picks up the bandages from the floor and starts wrapping both of his arms again. When she’s done, she stands up and pulls him with her, Kirishima straightening up too.

“We won’t tell anyone, of course.”, Uraraka assures him and Kirishima claps him on the back in agreement.

“Yeah man, your secret’s safe with us!”

“Just…” Uraraka visibly hesitates with her next words, looking like she’s contemplating if she should say them. “Be sure this is really what you want. I’m not telling you to tell them, but if you ever want to in a few weeks, months or years, the consequences could be much greater.”

Taking her words in, Shouto nods. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Squeezing his hand once more, Uraraka finally lets go and gives him another reassuring smile. “You should go to bed now. You look dead on your feet.”

With quiet wishes of a good night, Shouto walks back to the stairs, stopping before he rounds the corner.

“Uraraka, Kirishima.”, he calls them quietly and waits until they turn to him once more. “Thank you.”

Before they can answer, Shouto rounds the corner and walks quickly up the stairs to his room. The weight on his shoulders isn’t lighter per se, but it doesn’t feel so heavy anymore now that he shared it with someone.