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Regulus opens his eyes as if it was the last thing he expected to do. And it is, for some reason, but he cannot quite put his finger on it. He is not supposed to be opening his eyes. The light from above should be blinding after the darkness but he takes no time to adjust. At the very least, he would find this suspicious at any other time. Not now though, he is more concerned about the fact that he is sitting upright and that is most definitely not how people normally wake up. Especially when they are not supposed to wake up. He scrunches his nose as if there is some penetrating stench in the air but in truth, he cannot smell anything.
He turns his head to the right and then slowly to the left. His vision is blurry and his thoughts are running loose, he cannot contain them. He knows he ought to do something but that is as far as he gets in the thought process.
He looks down at his hand and it appears as if he has multiple on both arms for a moment but then it comes into focus and he is just watching himself stretch his fingers and then curl them against his cold palm. Fingers, he thinks, and a chill runs up his spine, following the path of some long-forgotten, long-lost fingers.
‘Dying with my name on your lips is quite flattering, not going to lie, Reg.’
He freezes, the voice so familiar, yet so strange. He is afraid to look but when he finally does, he is unable to locate the source. Everything is white and everything is one with each other and Regulus knows this is not how it is supposed to be. His head feels clear for a fleeting second and he is looking to find something he can anchor himself to. A tree, a bench, a smell, a feeling, but there is nothing.
‘Oh,’ he says finally. He was never the type to laugh in dire circumstances but he decides this one calls for a chuckle.
He is, obviously, dead. And everything is so damn bright. He was desperately hoping the afterlife would be dark and gloomy. If he is entirely honest, he was desperately hoping there was no afterlife at all. What is he expected to do here?
‘Leave or stay, I suppose,” says the voice and Regulus can feel his stomach lurch uncontrollably. His dream of a quiet, dark end with no chance to reconsider his choices and life was shattered and that is reason enough for him to be upset but he finds it truly horrifying that the one narrating his demise is James Potter.
He does not reply because James Potter is not really there.
‘I actually am here. Or will be. Or was. It gets confusing. I was waiting for you. Or you were waiting for me. I am not sure.’
James laughs and this is not real so Regulus closes his eyes and smiles.
‘What happened?’ asks James finally and Regulus stiffens as he feels a shoulder press to his. As long as his eyes are closed, James is here. Really here.
‘I don’t know,’ he replies, biting his lip, ‘I think I am a shit wizard. Or was. Was a shit wizard.’
‘Lose a duel, did you?’ Regulus shakes his head but does not elaborate.
‘What happened to you? I was sure you and Lily were untouchable. Dumbledore seemed to be trying his best,’ Regulus cannot stop himself from pronouncing Lily’s name with a slight edge but he makes peace with that.
‘Betrayed,’ James says and Regulus can feel his body go limp next to his, ‘It is my fault. I was stupid and now… now Lily is dead.’
‘So are you,’ points out Regulus, who cares about this part much more.
‘So am I. We had a son, he survived,’ adds James, and Regulus hates his mind for torturing him even now. Why couldn’t he be stuck somewhere where James does not have a damn son with that damn woman?
‘I am glad,’ he lies.
‘You are not,’ James laughs and Regulus is glad he is not offended. The last thing he wants to do is fight.
‘Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get off of babies dying… I just…’
‘I know, Reg, I know,’ interrupts James and he takes Regulus’ hand into his own. ‘I have to leave soon. Lily is waiting. And you have to leave soon too.’
‘Can I come with you?’ asks Regulus, the words barely getting through the lump in his throat.
‘I am sorry, Reg… I do not think there is anything beyond this,’ says James, and links their fingers.
‘I missed you, I missed you every moment, even when I was asleep. I am sorry, James. I am so sorry. I wish… I wish…’ he chokes on the last words, desperate to get everything out.
‘Open your eyes and look at me, Reg,’ demands James, and Reg shakes his head.
‘You are not here. If I do that…’
‘Reg, I am here, I promise. Did I ever lie to you?’ James asks softly and runs his fingers along Regulus’ hand.
Regulus cannot help himself and opens his eyes, he cannot refuse James when he says his name so tenderly. He can barely see through his tears but James is there, he can see his silhouette and he can still feel his hand in his own.
‘Now, what did I say?’ James says and gently wipes the tears off Regulus’ face.
Regulus can see that he is smiling.
‘I am the one who needs to apologize… I should have known, I should have helped you. I should have saved you,’ James says, his eyes wandering off into the distance and his brows furrowed.
‘No, James, no. I did not want to be saved. All I wanted is…’
‘Love and care,’ James blurts out, not giving him a chance to finish the sentence.
Regulus looks at him speechless, his mouth left hanging open, still giving the impression that he might say something.
‘It was my fault. When I saw your Dark Mark I went crazy, and I regretted it every night.’
‘There was no reason for your regret, it was my choice,’ says Regulus and glances down at his arm. And the Dark Mark… is not there. He looks at his other arm because maybe he has them confused, this place is confusing. But his other arm is pale and white where the mark should be and he can feel a burden lift from his chest like no other, ‘Where is it?’ he breathes, barely audible.
‘It is not a part of you, it never was,’ says James and reaches out with his hand to lift Regulus’ head by his chin. Their eyes meet and Regulus has never been happier in his life than in that moment. He does not have the capacity to wish for it to last forever, he is too consumed by the air flowing freely in his lungs once again and grins.
‘It never was,’ he agrees quietly and James grins back at him, ‘Will Sirius come too?’ he asks suddenly.
‘Maybe. Probably. Maybe he was here already.’
‘Do you think he would not wait for us?’ Regulus asks, the worry imminent in his voice.
‘I don’t know. It was not easy waiting for you either. Or catching up to you. Still not sure,’ laughs James.
‘You… tried to find me here?’
‘I think so, yes. How else would I be here?’
Regulus does not have an answer to that, he just holds James’ gaze. Now he wishes this moment would last forever. There is so much to be said but James has to leave. James has to go to Lily. And Regulus… Regulus does not know what he has to do. Leave or stay, I suppose.
‘I love you, Reg. I always loved you and Sirius did too. We all should have made better choices,’ says James and pulls his hand away. Regulus wants to scream but he remains quiet and watches James stand up.
‘I love you too,’ he manages finally and holds back the sobbing that is about to escape him. He can do it when James is gone.
‘Say hi to Sirius for me if you see him,’ says James finally and flashes him a smile. Regulus is unable to return the favour, he merely nods and then… James is gone.
And there is no more reason to hold back the sobs so he does not. In any other case, he would be disgusted by himself, but he indulges himself in the sound of his own weeping here. He is dead, after all. He can at least have this. Oh, how he wishes for another life, another chance…
‘You always cried like a baby,’ says Sirius and sits down where James sat a minute ago. Or a lifetime ago. Regulus immediately goes quiet and looks up to a much older Sirius than he remembers. He can’t help but smile at the thought of Sirius making it longer than him, ‘Don’t be so glad, I spent most of my life in Azkaban.’
‘You did… what?’
‘Rather stupid of me, really.’
‘That sounds like you,’ agrees Regulus without thinking.
‘Watch your mouth.’
Silence settles between them and Regulus wants to tell Sirius everything, every regret, every thought he ever had, but he knows Sirius knows them because Sirius is here. Sirius came to find him.
‘James says hi,’ says Regulus at the end when he finally remembers.
‘The bastard did not wait? I could not find him,’ scoffs Sirius and it stings that Sirius did not look for him first but he is not stupid, he knows it should not hurt. But oh, it does.
‘He had to go with Lily,’ clarifies Regulus, sounding defensive.
‘I don’t blame him,’ says Sirius, ‘He came to see you?’
Regulus nods as a reply.
‘He always cared for you, you know. Cried himself to sleep a couple of times. Or more than a couple. I was so glad when they finally got together with Lily but of course, he could not have anything good for long,’ Sirius laughs bitterly and Regulus sees the knuckles getting white on Sirius’ fist, ‘Anyway, how did you end up dying? Got cold feet?’
‘I tried to kill him,’ says Regulus, shrugging.
‘Him?’ asks Sirius, his eyebrows running up his forehead.
‘Voldemort,’ replies Regulus nonchalantly.
‘You are way stupider than I am,’ states Sirius matter-of-factly, and a quiet laugh escapes Regulus, ‘Why in Merlin’s name did you not come to us?’
Regulus opens his mouth and then closes it. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts.
‘I was not worthy of you. I wanted to prove I was worthy. I wanted…’ he trails off, looking at his arm and mindlessly caressing the spot where the dark mark should be.
‘Oh, Reggie,’ says Sirius, ‘We failed you, didn’t we?’ Regulus wants to protest but Sirius interrupts him, ‘I am sorry, you are my little bother and I left you behind.’
‘You were just a kid. I was not your responsibility.’
‘You were also just a kid.’
‘I suppose I cannot argue with that.’
‘I would change it, you know. If I could. I would drag you away, no matter how much you cried after mother. I would show you you are worthy.’
‘I think one has to come to that realization by themselves,’ points out Regulus.
‘Your realization worked out just perfectly,’ says Sirius jokingly, and Regulus smiles. At his own death. Oh, when has he become so unserious?
They sit next to each other for a while and Sirius holds his hand. He is not sure when that happened, but he does not mind. On the contrary.
‘You ready?’ Sirius asks finally.
‘I am not sure I ever will be,’ admits Regulus.
‘Let’s go together. How we always should have.’
Regulus cannot argue with that and they both stand. He is for once not afraid as Sirius squeezes his hand. He does not remember how he got here or where he is going and he is happy. He smiles as he becomes one with everything around him.