Chapter Text
He had never thought much about the afterlife, even after growing up in a pretty religious household. What was there to imagine after dying? Other than absolutely nothing as your brain shuts down and every nerve ending that defines a person just fizzles away into thin air.
Sure, his family believed that people's souls move onto the next plane of existence after the physical body's death but that's something he could never completely wrap his mind around. So, he never did. Simple as that.
Well, until now apparently.
"Seriously? Twilight?"
He could have sworn that the searing white ball of light above him shrugged. Don't ask him how, it just did.
"Not that I'm complaining, but this seems to fly in the face of almost everything we know about the afterlife."
And now it felt like the ball of light was calling him stupid, along with the rest of humanity as a whole. Which is not WRONG, per say, but it still felt like he should be offended on the behalf of his species.
"Rude."
Another shrug.
"Though, not wrong."
A nod this time.
It kind of freaked him out how expressive a glowing ball of light could be without actually moving or talking, but rather communicating completely in VIBES.
"Thanks for not dropping me into some fucked up post-apocalyptic world, I really appreciate it. At least I can live a normal life in the Twilight universe."
No.
"Huh? What do you mean no?"
Plot.
"Fuck you mean plot? I'm staying the fuck away from Washington between the years of 2005 and 2008."
PLOT.
"FUCK THE PLOT IM NOT EVEN BELLA."
Beau.
"The fuck is a bo. The staff?"
Name.
"What kind of dumbass name is Bo?"
B. E. A. U.
"Beau? That's even worse. Who has the name Beau now a days, it’s the 21st century."
Yours.
"MINE?"
Twin.
"Seriously?"
A nod.
"I'm going to strangle whoever wrote this crappy, zero braincell fanfiction storyline."
Me.
"Dude."
Deal with it.
"Do you even have a neck for me strangle?"
Goodbye.
"WAIT! Before you chuck me into the sparkly cesspool that is Twilight. Do I at least get some kind of cool powers to help me survive?"
Something like that.
"Can it at least be something like Bella's shield? I really don't want a hundred-year-old virgin snooping around my mind."
Sure.
"Thank god for small mercies."
Before he could say anything else, the ground opened up beneath him and sent him spiralling through an inky black space. He could have sworn that he heard maniacal cackling coming from the room he was in but then again, how would a ball of light talk?
The one thing he knew for sure was that he would avoid the Cullens like the plague, no matter what a dumbass sister thought about a douchebag edgelord. Let her fall in love with Creepward who stands outside people's windows at night like a weirdo, just don't involve him in their shenanigans. He'll carry around a lighter at all times if he had to.
With zero warning, he was back standing in the blinding white room.
"AH! MY EYES! IT BURNS!"
Mate.
"HUH?!"
Vampire.
"WHAT?"
Good luck.
Then he was back to falling at terminal velocity through the pitch black but with extra burns in his eyes and even more questions in his mind as his previous plans to avoid the vampire world crumbled away do to the machinations of a cruel and shit god.
"FUCK YOU BEING X!"
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"Are you actually driving all the way to Forks?"
Beaufort Swan looked out the driver side window at his twin sister who looked slightly aggravated. He didn't blame her; it was a three-hour flight in a cramped space with the possibility of crying kids and babies. Now, doing that alone? Honestly, that sounded like hell given form in the real world.
Was hell even real? He would have to ask Being X next time, if he remembered to.
"Yeah? How else am I going to take all my stuff?"
"Can't you just ship it over?" Bella huffed.
Yikes, now she looked fully annoyed. That usually wasn't a good sign for Beau's general mental and physical safety with how short a fuse she has, especially with him.
Now, did he dig that grave himself from years of trolling her as children?
Yes.
Did he regret doing it?
Hell no. Shit was funny as fuck.
"Bella, my sweet sister who is the fairest of them all, there's no chance my swords and instruments are making it through the US postal service without being confiscated or broken somehow. Have you SEEN how our FedEx guy handles those packages? No finesse, I swear."
The beauty comment seemed to fly straight past Bella's face as she let out about annoyed huff.
Beau tsked, anyone else saying that to her would have left her in a stuttering awkward mess but it would seem she was getting used to his bail out tactics.
"Anyways, it's only a 25-hour drive. It'll be fine. You're welcome to join me you know."
It's true, he had offered the passenger seat to his sister multiple times ever since they decided to move in with their dad in Forks a few weeks ago.
"Thanks, but I'll take a three-hour flight over a twenty-five-hour drive," she answered with a slight grimace, but soon enough it pulled itself into a resigned smile, "Please drive safe."
"You know I always do," Beau responded, reaching out for a fist bump.
Bella rolled her eyes and bumped his fist, "Whatever. I'll see you there."
"See you later, Bellygater!" Beau exclaimed with a smirk as he peeled his 2000 Honda Civic away from the curb where his twin sister was yelling something at him with middle fingers in the air.
He knew that Bella would get her revenge for reviving THAT hilarious nickname, but it was totally worth it.
After all, Beau wouldn't be able to troll his totally wonderful and not a hot-head sister for the next 25 hours. It just wouldn't be fair to himself if he didn't make fun of her one more time before driving away.
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“So, riddle me this Batman. How the fuck are you in my car? I know I locked it.”
Beau thumbed the steering wheel of his beloved car, ironically named Nikola because by no means was this vehicle all electric nor was it fuel efficient.
“Hey! I’m not Batman, he’s so not cute. If anything, I’m more like Catwoman or Batwoman. Deadly AND sexy.”
“Doesn’t really answer my question.”
He looked over at the not-so-stranger, stranger sitting cross legged in his passenger seat with the back rest laid completely flat, looking very comfortable and smug about it.
Beau had always imagined Alice Cullen to look more like a much shorter grown-up-ish Ruby Rose from the internet series RWBY, around season eight if he was being specific. Slightly innocent looking with choppy hair but could totally kick your ass from Monday to Sunday without breaking a sweat.
A total head canon fan theory that disproved itself right before his eyes.
“Really Beau? In my over one-hundred-years of none-living, do you think I never learned how to pick a lock?”
The questioning look on her face with the little head tilt was criminal and it took everything Beau had to not reach over and ruffle her hair a little.
“Don’t you dare touch my head or you will live the rest of your life without that hand,” Alice hissed, leaning as far away from him as possible in his car, “It takes AGES to get this look, and you will NOT ruin it.”
This got a chuckle out of him, and he opted to just start up his car and drive off from the gas station instead of questioning the legality of her breaking into his car.
There wasn’t much distance left until he… they reached Forks and if the future seeing vampirette burglar wanted to join him on the ride, who was he to say no.
Seriously, what sane and arguably straight guy would say no to a road trip with a cute girl?
No one.
Bella might say otherwise since she still thought that he was secretly gay and was waiting for him to come out.
So what if he kissed a guy at a party?
They were playing king’s cup, that’s all the explanation needed.
“Are you narrating in your own head again?”
Beau glanced over at the not-Ruby Rose looking girl still sitting towards him and not the front of the car.
“Can you sit properly? I don’t want to get pulled over, dealing with cops is a pain, and yes, I was narrating in my head.”
At this point Beau didn’t question what Alice knew and did know.
While Edward may be the mind reader of the Cullen family, Alice probably knew more about the various people they interact with frequently just because of the infinite possible conversations she could have with those people in the future.
Truly, future-sight is a broken ability.
But was it worth the headaches? Not too sure.
Actually, with how subjective Alice’s ability was, she probably didn’t know as much as Beau gave her credit for.
“Fine, fine, spoilsport,” Alice pouted as she fixed the seat and grumbled, “Not like I don’t know that there won’t be any cops between here and your home. Also, stop talking in your head, I’m not Edward, and I want to have a conversation with you, you know.”
“You sure? I tend to jump topics pretty fast,” Beau raised an eyebrow.
Alice just scoffed, “I think I can manage.”
Beau hummed and took another glance at the girl, now sitting faced forward, and took note of two things.
“Seatbelt please.”
The passenger seatbelt clicked softly after a silent pause.
“What are you, a law-abiding citizen?”
That was one thing. The other? Beau would keep that to himself.
“Eh, in broad daylight, sure.”
The lack of a marriage ring on her ring finger felt wrong somehow to Beau, but it wasn’t his place to question such things. The butterfly effect was a chaotic force after all.
“Oh? That implies that during nighttime you aren’t such a goody two shoes.”
“What are you, fifty? Who even says goody two shoes anymore?”
“Excuse you?! I am not FIFTY, I’m at the young age of nineteen. Still in my youthful prime and not OLD.”
“Dude, you’ve been nineteen for like three hundred years.”
“ONE!”
Alice shoved a hand in Beau’s cheek.
“ONE HUNDRED YEARS!”
“HEY I’M DRIVING!”
“ONE HUNDRED!”
“DRIVING!”
“ONE!”
“FINE! ONE HUNDRED! YOUNG AND SPRY, TOTALLY NOT OLD AND DECREPIT.”
This finally got the cold hand off of his face.
“Thank you! You’re too kind Beau.”
“Uh, huh. That totally wasn’t a driving hazard or anything.”
“Hmm… are you saying I’m so young and beautiful that I distract you from driving?”
“Hah?”
“Are you coming onto me? I’m flattered truly but-.”
“YOU PUT YOUR HAND IN MY FACE WHILE I WAS DRIVING!”
“AND?”
“HUMAN! NORMAL, ZERO FUTURE SEEING POWER, HUMAN! I can’t drive with a hand on my face!”
“Sounds like a skill issue.”
Beau glared at Alice who had the biggest shit eating grin he had ever seen.
“I’m going to strangle you.”
“Kinky.”
“Oh my god, please have mercy on my soul.”
“Silly Beau, you’re not Christian. Why would God care about your soul?”
The silence that fell between them was almost palpable. If there was a third person sitting in the backseat of Nikola, they could probably see the gears rolling in Beau’s head with how hard he was thinking.
And then, after SECONDS of high-level thinking that rivalled Albert Einstein, Beau responded.
“Hag.”
Now, the silence was definitely palpable, thick even.
“I’LL KILL YOU!”
“TRY ME FUCK FACE! AH! GET YOUR DIRTY ASS HANDS OFF OF MY FACE!”
“MY HANDS AREN’T DIRTY YOU BITCH!”
That was how the rest of the drive to Fork went, peacefully and definitely not swerving all over the narrow road of the US 101-North.