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It wasn't a matter of principle for him. It wasn't taking the moral high ground, or repression of unwanted desires and feelings. It wasn't denial.
It wasn't an active decision, or even a conscious one. It wasn't a choice.
It wasn't weakness. It wasn't a lack of impetus. It wasn't acceptance of impending doom. It wasn't compliance.
It wasn't petty, or shallow. It wasn't fleeting, and it wasn't a "phase." It wasn't something that would ever change.
It wasn't something he ever wanted to change. It wasn't ugly or twisted. It wasn't hurtful, and it wasn't the same.
It wasn't like before.
It was love. It was beautiful and healthy and so very precious. It was what he'd been waiting for his whole existence.
It was Lex.
He'd thought it'd be gentle, hesitant hands and repeated questions about his own willingness to do this. He'd pictured it so many times as being something hidden, and then slowly unfolding. He'd been under the impression he'd have to coax Lex into it. He'd mistakenly believed. . .
It was Lex who made the first move. Lin sent out all the signals, but Lex was the one who leaned over and grabbed Colin's face in his hands. He was the one who kissed Lin, that first time. . . not the other way around.
He was the one who took Lin by the hand and towed him upstairs. He was the one who stuck a hand in Lin's hair and pulled him close by it, and he was the one who bit and sucked, and touched every part of Colin's mouth with his tongue.
It was Lex, not Lionel, who made Lin smile and laugh at having to step in and help undo Lex's belt. It was Lex who ran smooth, perfect hands across Lin's chest. It was Lex who whispered in his ear.
It was Lex, and he was beautiful, and he was right, and he was love. He was light and he was breath and he was life, and there would never be anyone else. There had never been anyone else. Lin had waited his whole life for this. He'd waited for Lex.
He'd waited for that silver tongue to twine around his. He'd waited for those pale hands to run up his thighs, and for just those eyes to make him breathless. He'd counted the hours, and marked the days, the weeks, the years it'd taken to get to this moment.
Lex made him call out his name by moving faster. Lex made him cry by whispering in his ear. Lex made him groan and moan and rip the sheets.
But Lex did it because Lin moved first. Lex did it by whispering, "I love you" repeatedly, with his own tears smearing across Lin's cheek. Lex did that, and Lin finally knew how it was supposed to feel.
It was Lex. That's what life was. It was love and pleasure and fulfillment and wanting, wanting, wanting. It was finding sexual release and for the first time not wanting to kill himself afterward. It was looking at the face of the person above him, in him, around him, on him, and feeling like his heart was going to explode for loving him so goddamned much.
Life was touching the person he'd always loved, and having him touch him right back the same way. It was knowing there was still more, that this was only the beginning.
There was Lex, and there was death, and if Lin had any say in it. . . the two would never meet.
Lex would be with him forever.
That's all there was.