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A Wolpertinger is a mythical creature from Bavarian folklore in Germany. It's often depicted as a taxidermied animal that combines the features of several different creatures, such as a rabbit with the wings of a bird, the antlers of a deer, and sometimes even fangs. Essentially, it's a whimsical and fantastical hybrid animal. In Bavarian culture, you might find "Wolpertinger" mounted as curiosities in inns and homes, often created as a humorous art piece or a practical joke. It represents a playful and imaginative aspect of regional folklore.
Hit hard by inflation, Edward, Alphonse, and Alfons lost their apartment and have since moved in with Alfons's parents. His parents were well-known hunters of München. The house was very old-fashioned and rustic.
"Edward, I have a great idea!" Alfons Heiderich beamed.
"Does it have anything to do with alchemy, science or rockets?" Edward asked, sceptically.
"No." Just a short answer came from Alfons.
"Then I'm nooooot interested in it." Edward said harshly.
"Edward... Please listen to your friend." Alphonse insisted.
"Alright I was just joking." Edward corrected himself.
"Let me present to you, the Wolpertinger!" Alfons showed them a framed photograph of a Wolpertinger. "Why does it look like a mix of all of those animals?" Alphonse asked. The young alchemist felt a bit scared, remembering the chimeras created by alchemy.
"Because a rabbit had gang bang party with a duck, a dear... And apparently with a vampire." Alfons explained calmly with a smile on his face.
"Wow that's messed up." Edward said. The tone of his voice sounded very unimpressed.
"So it's like a chimera from the other side, but instead it had a lotta snu snu instead of getting created by alchemy?" Edward asked, his inner alchemist was awakened. "Yeah kinda?" Alphonse added.
"Dear gentlemen, my goal is it to catch this majestic creature!" Alfons presented his wish. "Heeeiiiiderich we're not at university anymore..." Edward pointed out. "Sorry Ed, old habits die hard." Alfons apologized.
"It would be wonderful to catch a Wolpertinger. It's soooo cute! I'd like to keep it as my pet and cuddle with it and it's able to fly! Maybe I could play frisbee with it! Guys do you know how great it would be!?" The young brother gushed. The imagination consumed him: a Wolpertinger flew through the air, catching the frisbee. Joyfully his eyes sparkled.
"Nope, I wanna eat it." Edward drooled as he thought of the delicious and rare meat. "Same here!" Alfons yelled. "You're so cruel! That poor little creature!" Alphonse cried.
"You can only find the Wolpertinger on a full moon night. Only a beautiful, young, unmarried woman can see it, but she must be with a strong man." Alfons clarified. The Als stared at each other, next their gaze shifted towards Edward. "Hey wait!! I'm not a woman!" Edward complained, as his cheeks got red and hot. The older brother's fingers pointed at both of the Als.
You're the most feminine out of the three of us." Alfons said cheekily. "I have the same opinion!" Alphonse agreed. "Oh boy... Can't you just ask your mom?" Edward sighed.
"Müüüüütterchen!~" Loudly Alfons yelled, his voice kept a slight singing tone. "No!!" She yelled from the living room. This was the only and fast response of her. Obviously she doesn't have the nerve for Alfons's 'experiments' and his other nonsense.
"Hey, remember when we almost burned down your family's house trying out that new mini rocket in the garden?" Edward reminded him. "Yeah?" Alfons perplexed. "I think your mom's still angry from our bullshit." Edward monotonously commented.
"Oh Edwaaaard~, seems like you'll be our woman!" Alfons cheered. Both Als dragged Edward into the bedroom of Alfons's mother. The Als undressed Ed and put him in a Dirndl. The color scheme were dark brown, white and red. "Please I can't take it anymore..." Edward sobbed. The worst part was that the other men braided his hair into two pigtails.
"Next we need to take care of the utensils! We need some potatoes, a candle, a sack and a stick to catch the legendary creature. And some food for the journey." Alfons explained. The blonde men pack their essentials. After some packing, Alfons checked out the route to the forest, which the creature inhabitants. "Guys we might need a tend!" Alfons yelled. Edward growled from annoyance.
"Soooo" Alfons commented as he slapped his right leg and got up from the couch. "So what?" Edward perplexed. "Just so, nothing more." Alfons added. Edward felt more confused than before.
After sunset, the goofy trio left the rustic house and drove to the forest. Alfons was the driver. The other men didn't want Edward to drive, fearing he might cause another accident. They had enough bad experiences with his driving.
They reached their destination and started walking deeper into the forest. Alphonse and Alfons began snacking on wiener sausages. "Edward aren't you hungry?" The German asked him. "Yeah I'm kinda hungry." Edward said, feeling very exhausted from their walk. Without warning, Alphonse and Alfons force-fed him a barrage of wiener sausages.
"Wow Edward, a lot of sausages fit in your mouth!" Alphonse laughed. Edward munched fastly. "Next time, I'll stay at home!" Edward exploded. The small man almost choked from the multiple sausages.
Sunset faded into twilight. The goof balls opened the tend and set the trap for the Wolpertinger. It had a sack held open by a stick, with a candle and a pile of potatoes around the candle.
"Sooo Edward now you need to open your feminine eyes. Do you see the Wolpertinger?!" Alfons asked. "I see nothing." Grumpily Edward answered. "Hmm.. that doesn't work... Hey Edward pull the dress a bit up and show us your sexy ankles! This might attract the Wolpertinger." Alfons suggested. Edward snapped. A kick against his leg was enough to silence him.
"Aaaahhh!! I hate those pigtails!" Edward fumed and opened his hair. He shook his head aggressively, letting out cute and angry noises. The pigtails left his hair with a beautiful, wavy texture.
The full moon slowly rose into the night sky, it's light casting shadows on the trees and on nature. Patiently the men wait for the Wolpertinger to spawn (like a Pokémon).
They were sitting on a fallen tree. Alfons moved closer to Edward. Suddenly, Alphonse bumped his head between them, pushing them apart. He then sat down in the middle. Effectively he created a barrier between them.
"Thanks other-dimensional-me... Now I won't get laid tonight." The German wiener thought, smiling, but he swallowed his anger.
Hours passed and the Wolpertinger didn't appear. The men decided to go to sleep in their tent and soon after, they fell asleep. In the middle of the trio slept Edward. Tightly Alphonse and Alfons clinged onto Edward.
"AAAAAHHH the Irrlichter!!! Please I don't wanna die! Lost souls have mercy!!!" Alphonse shrieked. Mysteriously, some fireflies managed to sneak into the tent. The younger brother confused the fireflies with Irrlichter. "What the hell?! Al you gave us a fucking heart attack!!!" Edward yelled back. "Uh what?" The German wiener still needed to comprehend it. "Not you, I mean the other Al!" Edward explained.
"This is the last time I'm camping with you guys!!!!" Edward completely lost it.