Work Text:
Alya was almost 4 years old now and Jemma couldn't believe how fast she was growing, it had felt like just a few days ago her and Fitz had made the decision to put their work on hold after finding out she was pregnant. Now they had a toddler running around curious as ever wanting to know anything and everything. Jemma didn’t mind her daughter’s curiosity at all, in fact she welcomed it. Jemma loved her parents and they did the best they could to settle and encourage her curiosity and love for science but there were just some things they just didn’t have the knowledge to answer for her but now she could answer any question her sweet girl could think of. However, lately some of her questions had been getting difficult and Jemma couldn’t answer them. Not science difficult, Jemma could handle any science question, no the questions that she was struggling to answer were about her and their past at S.H.I.E.L.D. Jemma had no problem answering all of Alya’s questions about her and Fitz and what they had been doing before the difficulty came after each time her or Fitz told Alya of a story of their past or explained something they had done to help S.H.I.E.L.D. Every mention of S.H.I.E.L.D. brought an ache of guilt to Jemma’s chest, lately she had been missing her friends more and more and she was starting to wonder how much longer she could stay in space even if it meant leaving their perfect, safe bubble.
As always as if he was in her mind Fitz had noticed that Jemma had spaced out. “Jem, you okay?”
Jemma snapped back to reality and looked up at her husband, a worried look across his face, “I’m just thinking.” He looked back at her with a look that she knew meant he didn’t believe her. She picked up her plate and walked across the table to take his and Alya’s as well.
“I promise we will talk about it later.” She said, placing a kiss on the top of his head. He looked up at her again, still not quite believing her. She looked him directly in his eyes and once again said “I promise Fitz.” and she smiled at him and saw most of his worry melt away. He smiled back at her and let out a quiet “Okay” before returning his attention to Alya.
Jemma gathered up the remaining dirty dishes and brought them to the sink to wash. As she washed the dishes Jemma’s mind had begun to wander to S.H.I.E.L.D and their friends back on earth, the guilt of knowing they needed them was starting to creep in again. Before she could spiral any further the sound of Fitz’ voice broke her out of it. She listened more closely and realized that he was telling Alya the story of how the two of them met the rest of the team, he referred to all of their friends as Alya’s aunts and uncles and the pain in Jemma’s chest grew even bigger, she really missed her friends. She wanted Alya to know everyone, wanted her to grow up surrounded by love and family but she also knew that here they were safe, there was no pressure, no threats and most importantly nothing trying to pull her and Fitz apart. Jemma didn’t know quite what she wanted to do if she wanted to help their friends and go back to their old life, or stay here in space safe with Fitz and their beautiful daughter who is all Jemma could’ve asked for and more. Jemma didn’t know what to do, both options made her uneasy for multiple different reasons, but both also had different reasons that appealed to her, it was all sort of overwhelming. She stopped herself from getting in her own head more, no this was something she had to talk out with Fitz, she couldn’t do this alone she had started to learn in the past few years that keeping her emotions bottled up didn’t do any good for either her or Fitz so they had both been making an effort to talk to each other. She finished up the last of the dishes and turned around and was met with the sight of Alya on Fitz lap some broken thing on the table and he was explaining what everything was to her and how they worked, she knew Alya barely understood half of what he was saying but she was so fascinated by Fitz’ every word that Jemma couldn’t help but let out a noise of excitement and satisfaction as she walked closer to them. As if snapping out of a trace Fitz looked up at her confused. She placed a kiss on Alya's head and then to his lips.
“Nothing, you two just look absolutely adorable.” She said, taking Alya off his lap.
Alya happily let Jemma take her from Fitz’ lap, which was a rarity recently, and instead turned to face Jemma. “Mama, Stars?” Alya asked.
“Yes, sweet girl, we are gonna go look at the stars.” Lately Alya had been really interested in the stars and had instead they go out and look at them every night. Jemma and Fitz happily obliged every time, there wasn’t much for them to do here, not in the ways either one of them dreamed of raising their daughter, but at least they could teach her the stars and for Jemma it reminded her of her father and when he would show her the stars. There was that pain in her chest again, she wanted Alya to meet her parents, she wanted her to know her grandparents and have memories of them, Jemma didn’t want to go back to earth and find out it had been too late and Alya wouldn’t get to know her parents properly. Jemma knew that was a grimm thought but she couldn’t help it but she pushed it down for the time being, once Alya was in bed she would talk to Fitz and together they would figure out just what to do.
~
Usually Alya went down easy at night but as if she could sense Jemma’s need to have a conversation with Fitz she was being fussy and did not want to go to bed. After a few hours of trying to get her to sleep Alya finally succumbed to her sleep. Jemma threw herself down on their bed and Fitz followed right after her.
“Who knew having a kid was so exhausting.”
Jemma responded with a light chuckle. They laid in silence together for a moment just enjoying each other's presence. Jemma knew she couldn’t hold off anymore and turned to face Fitz.
“Fitz, we need to talk.” she said, her voice shaking. Fitz turned to face her, a knowing look on his face.
“Is this about what had you so spaced out during dinner today.” He asked not a single hint of judgement in his voice.
“Yeah, it is.”
She looked away from his eyes, scared to look into them. He scooted closer to her and wrapped an arm around her. He didn’t say anything, he just held her and waited for her to speak when she was waiting. Everytime Jemma thought she couldn’t fall in love with him anymore he always went to prove her wrong and made her fall for him even more. She sat up in their bed motioning for him to do the same and followed suit, Jemma pressed their knees together needing the comfort of his touch, while also keeping her hands free to fidget nervously.
“Fitz, lately I’ve been thinking about our family and friends back on earth” her hands started to shake nervously and she entangeled her hands with Fitz’ bringing them to rest on top of her knee. “I’ve been thinking about our friends and family a lot lately because I’m watching Alya get bigger and watching her hit all these milestones and I’m realizing that I want everyone to be here. I want her to know your mum and my parents and I want all of our friends to meet her, I want her to know both our blood family and our chosen one. And I just miss them all so much Fitz. It's been too long since we saw them.”
She dropped her head onto his shoulder trying to hold back tears. “We’ve made such a good life for us here but I miss everything back on earth so much more than I thought I did.” Fitz ran his fingers through her hair and traced circles on her back with his fingers.
“I’m so sorry Jemma, I didn’t know you felt like this.”
“No, don't apologize, Fitz, I didn’t realize how much I missed everything until right now. And I love that we don't have anything to worry about here, nothing that could threaten to pull us away from each other but,” she paused, pulling away to look up and meet his now glassy blue eyes. “But I think I’m ready to go back now.”
Jemma held her breath as she waited for Fitz’ response. She knew he loved her more than anything but she was still anxious to his response because she knew that he was especially taking well to being in space. Fitz had been the one to initially suggest the idea of them staying in space to live a bit and have time to themselves but as they’ve spent the past 3 years in space she realized that he was happier and more relaxed than he had been in the entire time they had known each other. After what felt like ages but was probably only seconds Fitz spoke up.
“Jem, I miss everyone too and it wasn’t until you said something that I realized just how much I missed everyone, my mum, your parents, the team. I kinda miss the chaos of being on the base if I’m being honest. I wanna go back, I think it’s time we continue working on the jump drive.”
Jemma let out a deep sigh, “I was so worried you weren’t ready to leave quite yet and I didn’t want to pressure you because I’ve seen how happy and relaxed you are here and I didn’t want to take that away from you because it really might be the happiest I’ve seen you ever.”
“Oh Jemma.” Fitz responded, placing a kiss to her forehead. “Being here is not what's making me so happy, it's you and Alya. The two of you make me happier than I’ve ever been, as long as I have you two I would be happy anywhere.” He punctuated his sentence by kissing her softly and tenderly pouring as much of his love and affection he had for her into it. “I love you Jemma, nothing makes me happier than you.”
She smiled into the kiss and kissed him back with just as much affection and tenderness he just showed her, “I love you Fitz, more than anything.”
They spent the rest of the night tangled in each other and murmuring I love yous in between throwing out ideas for what they could do for the jump drive and drafting out their plan for how to help their friends, defeat the chronicoms and stop the end of the world. That night neither one of them got good sleep but when they woke up they both felt rested and ready to move forward.
~
The past few months flew by, with Jemma, Fitz and Enoch spending most of their days figuring out the last steps to get the jump drive working and able to track the chronicoms. They were only a couple weeks away from being done and getting ready for the mission however today as they were tracking the time stream and they had come to the conclusion that as much as they didn’t want to Fitz and Simmons had to separate for the mission, One of them was to help lead the team with Enoch’s help and the other was going to stay to establish the connection between the current timeline and the one they would be jumping to. In the middle of the arguing the three of them had remembered back at the lighthouse that the chronicoms had known S.H.I.E.L.D protocols because they had scans of their brains and had a machine to get into their heads at any given opportunity. After a while they had come to the conclusion they would have to create a device that would block the memory of whoever went on the mission so they couldn’t know, wouldn’t know, where the other was. Once the memory blocker had come into play it had been no debate that Jemma would be the one to go on the mission while Fitz would stay behind.
That night as they laid in their bed Jemma pressed as close as she could to Fitz and let herself take in everything about him, his scent, his body heat, the feel of him pressed against her, the sound of his breath, the feel of his finger in her hair, everything. As they had figured out the memory blocker they had established that they had to install a failsafe, a break in case of emergencies, a just to be safe, just in case the chronicoms somehow managed to get Jemma into the machine and went looking for where Fitz was. In the event that the chronicoms found the team and successfully got Jemma into the memory machine it would slowly push Fitz out until she had no memory of him.
“Fitz.” She broke the silence in the room. “I- I don’t know if I can do this. Leave you and Alya with the possibility I could forget you, I don’t think I’m strong enough to be away from you not anymore.” She broke down into sobs unable to control herself at the thought of being away from her daughter and something happening to her or to Alya and not being able to deal with it or help.
“Jemma you are the strongest person I know, I believe you can do this, you have to do it for us.” He pulled her in tight and held her as she sobbed. “It’s going to be tough but you will be back with us in no time.” Jemma wanted to argue and wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that she wasn’t strong at all but she couldn’t, all words died in her throat. Instead all the crying had taken a toll on her and she felt sleep pulling her under, she tried to fight it but with the feel of Fitz all around her she couldn’t, she let her exhaustion take over and drifted off to sleep.
~
They were now a week away from the mission start and Jemma had already been getting more anxious and was on edge but Enoch had come to the realization that for Fitz and Alya’s safety Jemma was going to need to forget Alya, not just forget her and Fitz’ location, she had to forget Alya. Jemma was in shock, she was already having trouble with the thought of having to be away from Fitz and Alya for an unknown amount of time, but having to forget her daughter and live her life as if she didn’t exist, it was just too much. The room seemed to be caving in on Jemma and she couldn’t take it so she ran out tears streaming down her face. Fitz ran out after her.
“Jem are you okay?”
Her breath short and heaving she bit back “It was supposed to forget your location that's all”
“I know, but that was before we knew.” He responded trying to comfort her
“Not this.” Her breath was shaky. Everything about the new plan terrified her. “Never this.”
“You have to be strong, okay?And if you remember, you won't be able to be strong to do what you have to do.” Fitz looked at her apologetically, his heart broke for her but he knew that this had to be done for Alya’s safety.
“You can't ask me to do this! Saying goodbye is hard enough!” There was a silent I can’t live without you again that Jemma hoped Fitz understood.
“Yeah, but you won't remember what you've forgotten. You won't know.” Fitz was trying to get her to see that it had to be this way that she would hurt while she was gone, but he didnt think Jemma was listening to him at this point she was too far into her guilt already.
“But I'll feel the guilt inside. The guilt for having left, a part of me being torn away… I don't want to forget! I don't want to forget! I don't want to forget! I don't want to forget!” Fitz wrapped his arms around her and she cried and begged him not to make her forget Alya.
He repeated “It’s going to okay, I promise” as he held her and kissed the top of her head. He did everything he could to reassure her anxieties of not just leaving him and Alya behind but having to forget Alya completely and possibly forget him. He stood there in their living area holding her, and pressing kisses to her head muttering reassurances to her.
“You are the smartest and strongest person I know, if anyone can do it is going to be you.” He felt that her sobs had started to lighten and he kissed her forehead.
“Jem you know we wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t our only option, I don’t want to do this either but we don’t have another way, I’m so sorry Jemma.”
He kissed the tear stains on her cheek, “And I hate to see you like this Jem, I do, if I could I would take your place in a heartbeat, but I can’t and it kills me so much.” He exhaled a shaky breath, scared to start crying when he was supposed to be the one comforting Jemma.
“Fitz.” she let out after her breath had steadied. “I love you” she placed a kiss on his lips, a small hint of desperation and fear in it. She pulled away from the kiss.
“Fitz, I- I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“Jem, everything is going to be okay, for Alya and I it will only be minutes until we see you again.” There was a quiet If everything goes to plan that Jemma chose to ignore in the moment.
“Not the mission Fitz. I’m going to have to push through that, but S.H.I.E.L.D. I don’t think I can be a part of S.H.I.E.L.D anymore.” She looked at him and saw a look of understanding on his face, but still she felt the need to explain herself further.
“S.H.I.E.L.D. has been my home since I was 16 and I am so grateful for all the opportunities it brought me and I’m especially grateful that it brought me to you, and eventually the team, but I don’t think I can be a part of it anymore, not when we have Alya now” she paused for a moment to catch her breath realizing she was rambling.
“I already lost you once, Fitz I can’t and don’t ever want to go through that again. And now that we have Alya I can’t bare the idea of something happening to either one of us on the field and her being left alone I can’t do that to her. And I know we talked about retiring once back at the lighthouse before any of this but I thought I could do this, I thought I could be away from her for a mission but I can't. I know we should’ve talked about it more but I am just not strong enough to ever be without Alya or you.”
Fitz kissed her, tangling his fingers in her hair making the kiss intimate, without asking for anything else. “Jem, I love you so much and I could never ask you to do something you didn’t want to do, especially when I think I’m ready to move on to.”
Jemma’s eyes lit up as she realized Fitz was thinking the things she was. “Really? You sure you aren't just saying this because it's what I want.”
“Yes Jemma, I’m sure this is what I want. I’ve known I wanted to leave S.H.I.E.L.D. for a while but with us trying to get everything together for the drive and to defeat the chronicoms I just felt like we didn’t have time to say anything.”
Jemma smiled for the first time that day. “As much as I love our friends I think I am done with that chapter of our lives.” She brought her hand to rest on his chest, the feel of his beating heart calming the last of her nerves.
Fitz rested his hand on top of hers. “Once this is all over and we are back at the lighthouse we can talk to Mack about retiring and get started on the paperwork.” Jemma placed a soft kiss on his lips.
“And we can finally get that cottage you dreamed of and settle back home.” There was no response from Jemma, she just hummed quietly against his chest and he smiled as he rested his chin on her head. For a moment as they stood in each other's arms they forgot about the end of the world and what was waiting for them in a week when the mission would start. Right now it was just them comforting each other and enjoying each other's presence with nothing to worry about and no end of the world looming over them, for now they were just existing as they had been for the past 3 years.