Archive of Our Own

you don’t hear me even though i’m calling you,

with every day i’m losing hope,

you probably won’t show up,

i’m soaking in the rain of my own tears,

i don’t think i ever knew you,

another day passes when you’re not here,

how long must i wait before i see you again?

(jula - kolejny)

i wish i was indifferent to the mistakes you make,

i keep thinking about what’s yet to come,

i wish i could live forever in a dream,

where you’ll always be my prince, leading me by the hand,

you’ll always protect my heart, so it’ll feel safe,

maybe then we’ll feel happiness,

when fate kneels before us

(jula - za każdym razem)

. . .

Wu Suo Wei watched as Chi Cheng stormed off, Wang Shuo close behind him, clutching Er Bao close to his chest. He didn’t hesitate, just left Wang Zhen at the basketball court to run after them. 

Why are you with him? 

Why is Er Bao in his arms, not yours? 

Why does he keep holding on to you, like a child clutching its mother’s skirt?

Why are you letting him?

Suo Wei watched as Chi Cheng got in his car, how Wang Shuo got in with him, how Chi Cheng drove off with him. Why did he drive off with him? Why did Chi Cheng let Wang Shuo come with him? 

His feet felt glued to the ground, watching as the car drove away at a high speed. His heart sinking further and further the greater the distance became. 

Are you still in love with him?

Does your heart ache and long for him like mine does for you?

Are you not able to let go?

Am I not enough?

Am I just a play thing while you get back what you’ve lost?

Why are you holding on to me when he’s right there for the taking? 

Is it all a game to you?

Suo Wei didn’t know how he made it back to the bench, or how long he’d been sitting on it. His thoughts were running too fast for him to catch them all. He didn’t understand what Chi Cheng was doing, why he was letting Wang Shuo stay close to him. Why not just break up with him if Wang Shuo was the one he wanted? Chi Cheng had said he didn’t want Wang Shuo, but why did he keep going back to him? Was that just their fate? Were they so entangled in each other’s destinies that they’ll always be in each other’s life? 

Or was there another possibility? Was Chi Cheng really in love with Guo Cheng Yu? Was he using both Suo Wei and Wang Shuo to get him? Is that why he was keeping them both so close? Why was he, when it was pretty clear Cheng Yu was besotted with Xiao Shaui? But why had Cheng Yu stayed close all these years even when Chi Cheng supposedly hated him? 

Suo Wei felt his head aching, almost rivaling that of his heart. Who knew what Chi Cheng was doing and for what gain. Suo Wei certainly didn’t. All he knew was that he’d seen Chi Cheng and Wang Shuo getting closer and closer these past few days, while he and Chi Cheng seemed to drift further and further apart. 

Maybe it was for the better.

After all, did he really have any right to feel what he was feeling right now? Did he have any right to feel betrayed, to feel cast aside, to feel lied to? 

Wasn’t he doing the same thing? 

He still hadn’t told Chi Cheng about the real reason for approaching him. He still hadn’t told him about his past with Yue Yue. About all the scheming he’d done with Xiao Shuai, how he had pretended and lied. How he had betrayed Chi Cheng’s trust right from the start. 

Their relationship was built on the shaky foundation of lies, maybe that’s why it was all crumbling down around them now. 

Did he have any right to sit here, heartbroken? 

Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. 

All he knew was that it felt like his heart had caved in and shattered in a thousand pieces, piercing his lungs, making it harder to breathe. Every inhale and exhale made the shards in his chest scratch against all sides, tearing up his insides and making him bleed. 

When the pouring rain came down on him, he barely felt it. He was numb to everything, his soul felt like it was outside of his body. He should feel cold, he should be freezing from the icy rain, he should shiver and run into the clinic for cover but he couldn’t move. 

Maybe if he stayed here he could escape from everything? 

He’d let the rain drown him, let the drops seep so far into his skin he’d turn into a puddle of rainwater. Maybe he would pass out, maybe he could escape this reality he’d found himself in, maybe he could go back to the earlier days, before Wang Shuo came back. Before everything turned into this mess. 

Maybe the rain would turn him so sick, Chi Cheng would care about him again? 

Fuck , all he wanted was for Chi Cheng to care about him. 

He’d tried to make him jealous, pulled all the tricks he knew would trigger Chi Cheng into action. But nothing worked. It was like Chi Cheng wasn’t really there with him. Physically he was there, but mentally… it was like he was somewhere else, with someone else . The appeal of Suo Wei being there in the flesh couldn’t compare to the person in Chi Cheng’s mind. 

How had he lost him so spectacularly? 

Suo Wei felt hot tears mixing with the cold raindrops falling down his cheeks. He never knew he could cry this much. Before Chi Cheng he didn’t know love could feel so overwhelming, so fulfilling, so wholesome. He also didn’t know there were dark sides to love; insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, distrust. But he was helpless against it all. If it were anyone else, if it were Yue Yue, he would have left the minute he felt Chi Cheng slipping through his fingers at Wang Shuo’s return. 

But it wasn’t anyone else. 

And he couldn’t leave, no matter how much he wanted. 

His heart and soul belonged to Chi Cheng. Somehow his red string of fate was wrapped around the man. Even if Chi Cheng lied to him, hid things from him, cheated on him. He would stay. He would stay until Chi Cheng had finally had enough of him and dumped him. Until he threw him out like the garbage he was. He would stay until the very last second. He would stay if it meant he could keep a small part of Chi Cheng to himself. He would greedily keep it locked into a box and hold it close to his chest. Even if Chi Cheng only liked him while Suo Wei loved him, he would keep that part of Chi Cheng close to him. After all, it was better to have some part of him than none at all.  

All because he loved him, foolishly so. 

He didn’t blame Chi Cheng for only liking him while Suo Wei loved him. After all, what was there to love about Wu Suo Wei? He might be cute, but he wasn’t handsome. He was skinny and lanky but he wasn’t fit. He was weak while others were strong. Maybe at first Chi Cheng had liked that he could overpower him - Suo Wei liked being manhandled by Chi Cheng after all - but maybe it got boring after a while. Suo Wei couldn’t give as good as he got, there was no real resistment, something for Chi Cheng to fight against and truly overcome. The chase only becoming easier and easier the less Suo Wei resisted and fought back. 

Furthermore, he wasn’t as tall as others, more on the shorter side, he couldn’t even dunk a stupid basketball . He was truly and utterly pathetic . No wonder Chi Cheng only liked him. He was like a pet dog, something cute and fun at the beginning that only became a nuisance the more it clung to its owner. 

Chi Cheng liked animals that were strong. Cunning and vicious. Pets that didn’t need protection but could kill with a single bite. Not soft, helpless things like Wu Suo Wei. 

More tears fell from his eyes as his breath hitched. Why was he a puppy when he needed to be a snake? If he was a snake, Chi Cheng would love him. He would get jealous and possessive that he was around a chameleon, he wouldn’t call him clueless. He would be here with him instead of with Wang Shuo doing who the fuck knows what . He wouldn’t lie to him. He wouldn’t be nice and accommodating . He would nitpick, he would argue, he would fight for Suo Wei. He would love him.

Why can’t Chi Cheng just love him?

Even if Wu Suo Wei isn’t something special. Does that mean he’s undeserving of love? He’s given his all for Chi Cheng and their relationship. For once, could the fates allow him to be loved back? To get as good as he gave? Or was he destined, just as his birth name indicated, for nothing , to live forevermore in poverty of all kinds? Poverty in financials, in relationships, in love, in life… 

Forever deprived of something meaningful.

Maybe he was destined to be alone. Maybe that would be better for all. He was worthless to everyone anyway. 

For most of their relationship he hadn’t been able to take care of Yue Yue. Wasn’t able to let go of his frugality to give her a good experience, to give her what she wanted . He had let himself go and instead of her having something to show off and be proud of, he’d become an embarrassment for her. 

He hadn’t known about Xiao Shuai’s past hurts, was he not trustworthy enough to know or had he simply been too ignorant and missed the signs? Did Xiao Shuai not see him as his best friend the way Suo Wei did? Did he only feel responsible for him after he helped him heal from his attack and for how he had pushed Suo Wei to get Yue Yue back?

Then, for most of his life he hadn’t been able to take care of his mom after his dad died. She was still working instead of relaxing in her older age. Her body was already fragile and he was doing nothing to aid her and lessening the burden. His company was making enough money, why didn’t he give his mother enough to finally be able to rest after the harsh life she had had? Not to mention, he didn’t visit her enough. Even Chi Cheng had visited her more than he had these past couple of months. 

In the end, he was a lousy son, a lousy friend and a lousy boyfriend. 

Plain and simple. 

Useless.

Wu Qi Qiong. 

Maybe he should change his name back, after all he was feeling pretty powerless right now. He was of no importance to anyone, just whatever . 

Just Wu Suo Wei. 

Suddenly, a shadow came over him and he frowned, looking up. There stood Wang Zhen, holding an umbrella. He really didn’t want to deal with the Wang brother right now, he wished they both could just disappear to where they had come. All he wanted was for things to go back to how they were before . When he still believed he held an important place in Chi Cheng’s heart. 

Now? He wasn’t sure if he even had a place inside it anymore. 

“Why do you have to get soaked in the rain?” Wang Zhen asked. 

“I’ve been sitting here the whole time,” he replied, looking at the raindrops falling down onto the pavement. “The rain chose to fall on its own, don’t blame me.”

“Then why aren’t you leaving?” 

“It’s raining everywhere, where should I have gone?” he replied. Flashes of Chi Cheng leaving with Wang Shuo came to his mind. They were probably safe from the rain, cozied up in Chi Cheng’s car. With Er Bao between them. Er Bao who-

“You little brother took my Er Bao away,” he said, practically spitting out the words little brother . Not enough that Wang Shuo had to come and take Chi Cheng, he had to take Er Bao as well. What was next? Was he going to take Xiao Shuai? His mother ? 

“I’ll help you get him back,” said Wang Zhen and suddenly he wrapped a hand around his arm - the wrong hand. 

Suo Wei’s watch glistened in the rain and it was yet another painful reminder of everything. The sales lady had said that even being at the world’s ends they could still keep up with their beloved through the watches. Suo Wei and Chi Cheng were in the same city but it felt like they were worlds apart. 

Wang Zhen dragged him and he numbly let himself be dragged away. It would be good, Chi Cheng would see him with him and maybe then he would dump him, finally setting them free from this prison. Even if it would kill him. Suo Wei would be like one of those animals who had been taken into a sanctuary and then let out into the wilderness not knowing how to survive. 

Instantly dead. 

But if that’s what made Chi Cheng happy, then maybe it was worth it. 

He could feel the cold rain pouring down on him as he was dragged behind Wang Zhen. His eyes were unfocused, he had no idea where they were going or even how Wang Zhen knew where Wang Shuo was. But at the moment he didn’t care, his heart was still shattered inside his chest, his lungs barely working. His whole body felt like it weighed a ton, like a rock sinking to the bottom of the ocean. What was he even going to see when they found Wang Shuo? Did he even want to see whatever it was? 

Suo Wei didn’t get a second to think about his answer as Wang Zhen stopped, making him crash into the man’s back. 

“There he is! C’mon!” Wang Zhen said, and started to walk faster, dragging Suo Wei behind him. 

He blinked his eyes to get rid of the water in them and looked up. Ahead of them was Wang Shuo, on the curb of the road, alone in the rain. 

Where was Chi Cheng? 

“Wang Shuo!” Wang Zhen shouted as they got closer, making the other man startle and look up. He looked like a drowned rat and Suo Wei couldn’t help but find satisfaction at his wretched appearance. 

“What are you two doing here?” Wang Shuo said, his face twisting into a grimace as he held something in his arms closer to his chest. 

“Er Bao!” Suo Wei shouted, ripping his arm out of Wang Zhen’s grip to get closer to Wang Shuo.

Wang Shuo took a step back holding the snake closer to him. “Get away, he’s not yours, he’s mine !” he shouted and Suo Wei saw red . He could feel his hands turning into fists as his blood boiled. 

“Er Bao is not yours!” he shouted back, shaking with anger. 

“He is! He’s mine and Chi Cheng’s son , and you have no right to him!” Wang Shuo shouted. 

Suo Wei froze. The words hurt , he knew that before him there had been Wang Shuo. Wang Shuo who had hatched the snake and gifted it to Chi Cheng in the first place. But to say that Suo Wei had no right to him? Wang Shuo hadn’t been a part of Er Bao’s life for the last seven years . If Suo Wei had no right to him, Wang Shuo had even less of a right to him than he did. 

But before he could shout his thoughts at Wang Shuo the other man let out a scream as he dropped Er Bao. 

“Er Bao!” Suo Wei shouted, ignoring how Wang Shuo was clutching his bleeding hand as he kneeled down to pick up the snake. Clutching it protectively to his chest as he looked over the snake. “What the fuck were you thinking! He could have gotten hurt!” he shouted at Wang Shuo. 

“You’ve turned him against me!” Wang Shuo shouted as he clutched his injured hand. “I’ll fucking get you for that, Wu. Suo. Wei ,” he spat. 

“You’re fucking crazy,” Suo Wei muttered, turning and ignoring the brothers as he left them, Er Bao the only thing on his mind. 

Suo Wei would get back at Wang Shuo for carelessly treating and hurting Er Bao. Fuck whatever the man was to Chi Cheng, he wouldn’t let this slide. 

. . .

A few hours later Suo Wei was finally back at his and Chi Cheng’s place. He’d gone to a vet and paid for an emergency check up to make sure nothing was wrong with Er Bao. He didn’t have any scratches or wounds on the outside, but Suo Wei knew that sometimes there were wounds on the inside that you just couldn’t see on the outside. Luckily, nothing was wrong with Er Bao and Suo Wei could let out a breath of relief that at least something was going his way today. 

He gently prepared a bowl with lukewarm water to bathe Er Bao in and to get rid of the dirt on him. He left his hands inside the bowl, just in case, as he let the snake soak on his own. 

As the snake soaked, Suo Wei occasionally stroked along Er Bao’s back. “I’m sorry you had to be with him. I’m sorry he hurt you. I don’t know what Chi Cheng was thinking, leaving him with you,” he said with a sigh. 

The action was so foreign. Chi Cheng cared about Er Bao more than anything. Always having the snake on his arm or in his car if he wasn’t at home. To leave Er Bao, even with the person that had hatched the snake, was unimaginable. Suo Wei couldn’t imagine what had been more important than Er Bao for Chi Cheng to leave him at the side of the road like that. 

“But don’t worry, I’ll give your dad a right scolding once he comes back. I have your back,” Suo Wei said, softly stroking the snake’s head. “Thank you for having mine. I know I’m not yet worthy of you and Chi Cheng, but I’m trying,” he said softly, his eyes filling up with tears. He didn’t want to lose this. 

Please let me get to keep them. 

PleasePleasePleasePleasePlease-

His breath hitched and he had to take out his hands from the bowl as he pushed his wet palms into his eyes harshly, so harshly all he could see was static. 

He was so tired of the crying. Of feeling so helpless and pathetic. 

He kept asking why Chi Cheng, or anyone for that matter, didn’t love him, but he was just giving himself the answer. Who would want someone like him ?

Swallowing down a sob, he scrubbed his hands over his face as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He put one hand on his damp shirt as he clutched at his chest, willing his heart to stop aching so much. 

He sniffed, throwing his head back as he looked up at the ceiling, giving himself a minute before plastering on a weak fake smile. 

“I’m pathetic, aren’t I?” he turned his head to the snake.

All he got in reply was a soft hiss as Er Bao slithered out of the bowl and into Suo Wei’s lap. He couldn’t help but let his fake smile turn into something more real as the snake coiled around his waist and went further up his chest until he reached his shoulder and butted his head against Suo Wei’s cheek, making him let out a small laugh. 

“At least you like me,” he said softly, petting the snake’s head. 

Er Bao, seemingly disappointed with his reply, coiled around his neck, gently squeezing and hissing at him. 

Suo Wei frowned as the snake watched him. “You don’t like me?” he asked.

Er Bao butted his head against Suo Wei’s cheek again, hissing softly. 

“You do?” Suo Wei asked again, growing more confused. 

All Er Bao did was hiss in reply before he uncoiled from Suo Wei’s throat as he slithered down Suo Wei’s chest and butted his head against his chest. Right over his heart. 

“What?” Suo Wei said. 

Er Bao repeated the action and hissed softly. 

Why was he butting his head against Suo Wei’s heart and hissing? Was he saying he had a weak heart? But they’ve been talking about how pathetic Suo Wei was and how Er Bao seemed to like him regardless of the fact, why- 

Oh.

Oh. 

“You love me, Er Bao?” Suo Wei said softly, his heart squeezing in his chest. 

Er Bao hissed softly again. It almost looked like the snake nodded before he slithered up until he was coiled around Suo Wei’s shoulder, with his head resting in the pocket of his collarbone. 

Suo Wei opened and closed his mouth as he took in what had just happened. 

He should have Xiao Shuai admit him to a mental hospital because here he was having a full conversation with a snake . Maybe everything that has been happening these past few days had finally gone to his head and he was heading into insanity. 

But, he couldn’t help but feel a warmth spread out from his heart to the rest of his body. Er Bao loved him. Maybe his dad didn’t, but at least he did. No matter how pathetic Suo Wei was, there was someone that loved him in this world. 

“Thank you,” he said softly as he stroked the snake’s head, a smile gracing his lips. “I love you too.”

Suo Wei didn’t know how long he sat there with the snake nesting on his shoulder. Time seemed to stand still and his mind was finally blissfully empty. He wasn’t thinking about where Chi Cheng was or whatever lie he would tell him once he was back. He wasn’t thinking about the Wang brothers or whatever the fuck their deal was. All that was on his mind was the breaths coming from Er Bao and the surprising warmth from the snake’s body. 

After some time he realized that the snake had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Suo Wei was loath to interrupt the snake’s sleep but it would do it no good sleeping on his shoulder. He carefully got up so as to not unsettle the snake too much before walking to the enclosure. He carefully uncoiled the snake from his shoulder as looked around for a good sleeping spot. 

Er Bao hissed quietly at him for moving him. “I know, I know, but you’ll be more comfortable sleeping here than on me,” he said as he lifted the snake off him and put him down in the enclosure. 

Suo Wei watched as Er Bao coiled itself into a spiral and cuddled into the moss. He couldn’t help but smile at how cute the snake was acting. He didn’t know how long he stood there, watching Er Bao become stiller and stiller as he fell into a deep sleep. 

Seeing the snake be so soft and warm made Suo Wei realize how cold he was. He was still in his damp clothes that were leeching away the little body heat he still had left. He wrapped his arms around himself and rubbed his arms with his hands to get some warmth back into his body. 

He didn’t know what he should do. Should he stay here? Should he go back to the clinic and stay there? Should he go to the office? Did he want to see Chi Cheng? Or would that just make his heart ache more? Being close to him yet so far away at the same time. Together physically but mentally worlds apart. 

He sighed, tightening his arms around himself as he watched Er Bao sleep peacefully. Maybe in his next life, he could be reborn as a snake. It seemed to be a pretty good life. They didn’t have to deal with lying boyfriends and crazy exes. 

The opening of the door brought him out of his musings and he felt himself tense up. In what state would he find Chi Cheng? 

Before he could make up his mind on how to act, warm arms wrapped around his middle making his eyes sting. 

Chi Cheng’s arms tightened around him. “Wei Wei, why are you cold and wet? What happened to you?” Chi Cheng asked, his voice sounding concerned. But was he really? 

Suo Wei looked at Er Bao for a second and all the rage and hurt he had felt earlier came slamming back. How fucking dare Chi Cheng just drive off with Wang Shuo and then leave Er Bao with that vile piece of shit on the side of the road?!

He grabbed Chi Cheng’s arms and threw them off him as he stepped to the side so he could look at the other man. 

Chi Cheng looked worn out, a bit pale and eyes red, his hair a bit disheveled. The sight made something painful squeeze within him. He wanted to ask what was wrong, why he looked so worn out, but would Chi Cheng tell him the truth? Or would he just make up another lie about a fictional client? He used to think Chi Cheng was so honest with him, but now…

“What happened to me ? What? You suddenly care about me ?!” He shouted, his voice breaking at the end, as he glared at Chi Cheng. He could feel tears stinging his eyes but he tried to focus on the anger in his veins instead of the hurt tied around his heart. “What the hell happened to you is a better question!” he continued, not letting Chi Cheng get a word in. “I saw you leave with Wang Shuo, and then I found out you left Er Bao with him on the side of the road! What the hell is going on with you! What could possibly be so important that you would leave Er Bao with him ?” Suo Wei shouted, the that you would leave me left unsaid. 

“I-” Chi Cheng started, before he cut himself off, his eyes leaving Suo Wei’s face. Chi Cheng’s jaw was tense, as if he was holding himself back from saying something, his eyes never stilling as he seemed to work out what to say. 

“What? You didn’t come up with a lie before you came back home?” Suo Wei scoffed. 

“Wei Wei, it’s not like that,” Chi Cheng said, his watery eyes coming back to look at Suo Wei. 

“Then what is it like?” he shouted, throwing his hands out at his side. “You tell me to talk to you but you don’t do the same! Just tell me! Whatever it is! If it’s not Wang Shuo, is it Guo Cheng Yu?”

“What?” Chi Cheng said, his gaze hardening. “This has nothing to do with those two. I told you that countless times, why do you always drag one or the other into our conversations?” he shouted. 

“Well, what is it about then? I’m not a mind reader! If you don’t tell me, how am I supposed to know! I’m just left here guessing!” Suo Wei shouted back, eyes stinging with more tears. He was so sick of all of this. So sick of going nowhere, of going in circles, of never hearing something concrete . 

“I can’t tell you,” Chi Cheng said, his voice straining. “But please believe me when I say it has nothing to do with them,” he said.

“How am I supposed to believe that when all I see is you with Wang Shuo?” Suo Wei said, a tear spilling down his cheek that he quickly wiped away. “All you do lately is lie and hide things from me! You weren’t like this until he came back!” 

“Wei Wei, please . I promise you-”

“What? What can you promise me?!” he shouted, the dam breaking causing the tears to flow freely. 

“Wei Wei,” Chi Cheng said, his hands coming up to wipe the tears away but Suo Wei didn’t let him. He slapped Chi Cheng’s hands away from his face and stepped away from him. 

“I can’t live like this, Chi Cheng,” he said, voice scratching harshly as he said the words. “I want to believe you but I’m not sure I can.”

“ Wei Wei ,” Chi Cheng said brokenly. “Please, just give me some time, I swear I will tell you everything, just-” Chi Cheng pleaded but Suo Wei just turned his back on him. He didn’t want to hear any more excuses. He was exhausted . He was cold and damp and all he wanted was a warm shower and to sleep for days. 

“I’m going to the clinic, please don’t come after me,” he said quietly as he walked away. 

A hand wrapped around his wrist - the right hand, but at the wrong time - Chi Cheng’s hand was warm, a little rough with calluses. It fit perfectly around his wrist and the sight made more tears escape from his eyes and he couldn’t help but let out a sob. 

“Wei Wei, please , just stay here. I promise I will leave you alone, I’ll sleep on the couch, I’ll-”

“No,” he said, tearing his arm away from Chi Cheng’s grip as he walked to the door. 

As he grabbed the door handle he couldn’t help but stop for a second and turn around. Chi Cheng was looking at him with a crestfallen expression, his eyes filled with tears and his arm still hung loosely in the air. 

Fuck, he loved this man so much . But he couldn’t be around him, at least not right now. 

“Make sure to take care of Er Bao and don’t leave him with just anybody again,” he said before quickly opening the door and running away. 

He didn’t know if what he’d done had been a good thing or if he had just made everything a thousand times worse and given Chi Cheng the final push into Wang Shuo’s arms. But he had to get away, he had to get away from everything. 

Even if it made the space between them grow. Even if it meant that the broken pieces of his heart dug themselves deeper into his organs and tore him to shreds from the inside out. Even if it ended with him bleeding out from all the wounds inside his heart. He had to get away. Even if he wouldn’t survive this decision, he couldn’t stay. Even if it was killing him to run away. He had to. He was at a dead end, at a loss at what to do, at a loss of how to survive, at a loss of how anything would work out. It was like he was standing on the edge of his own demise, and it was no one else’s fault but his own. 

So he ran. 

. . .

someday we’ll find each other again,

i don’t know how to explain this,

it’s bad to be with each other in anger,

believe me, it’ll be better this way,

there’s no hope left for us today,

i don’t want you with me now,

maybe someday there’ll be a day,

where what’s bad won’t come back. 

(jula - kiedyś odnajdziemy siebie)

. . .

Chi Cheng didn’t know how long he stood there, frozen as Suo Wei’s hurt expression and tears flashed in his mind. His own tears falling down his face as his heart was tying itself in knots over what to do. 

He knew he’d been hurting Suo Wei these past few days. He knew Suo Wei knew he was hiding something and lying. He knew Suo Wei thought he was cheating and he was certain that Suo Wei had seen Wang Shuo kiss him that night. 

He knew all of that. He knew he was the cause of it all. Even though it was making his heart tear itself apart at being the cause of that pain, he knew it would be nothing compared to when Suo Wei found out about his mother. 

He had thought he could do it, that he could be the villain in Suo Wei’s eyes if it kept him from a greater pain. He thought he could handle the pain he would go through and the pain he would put Suo Wei through. He thought it would only be temporary, that he would be able to convince Suo Wei’s mom to tell him the truth. He thought the secret wouldn’t do as much damage as it already had. He didn’t think everything would crash and burn like this. 

He had been so sure. 

But now?

He wasn’t so sure anymore. 

A scream tore through his throat as he kicked the coffee table - making it fall backwards and the vase on it shatter. A sudden rage hit him, lightening his veins on fire as he started stomping on the table, letting the wood smash under his slippers as he let it all out. 

All the despair at the fucked up situation. All the resentment at Wang Shuo for choosing now to come back. All the hatred against the fates for making Suo Wei’s mother ill. All the hurt at having to be the one to throw daggers into the heart of the man he loved. All the spite at having to hold back when all he wanted was to crush Wang Zhen’s skull for even thinking he could come near what was his . All the fatigue at having to keep it all buried inside of him when all he wanted to do was explode. 

He wanted to shout everything out. He wanted to tell Wang Shuo to stop with his games if he wasn’t going to open up about the situation. He wanted to hiss at Wang Zhen for daring to touch what belonged to Chi Cheng. He wanted to scream at Suo Wei’s mother to just tell him the truth. But most importantly, he wanted to hold Wu Suo Wei in his arms as he told him everything . 

How all he had wanted from Wang Shuo was an explanation , some closure, since he never understood how it had gotten so fucked up. How it had cost him his best friend, the brother he grew up with. How he’d never sought out Wang Shuo after that first meeting, how that vermin had followed him around everywhere. How it had been Wang Shuo that had kissed him and how much it had disgusted him and how he had pushed him away as soon as he could. 

How his heart was only Suo Wei’s and no one else’s. 

How watching Suo Wei intentionally try and make him jealous was actually making him feel. How it felt like there was a volcano inside him that was waiting to explode the minute Suo Wei mentioned another man. How he wanted to do more than just block Wang Zhen in Suo Wei’s phone and carry him away from his lessons. How he had to hold himself back because he knew he would get questions in return. Questions he couldn’t answer without breaking his promise to Suo Wei’s mother. How that restraint was tearing him apart and making him helpless as he watched how Suo Wei slipped further and further away from him. 

How all he wanted was to clutch onto Suo Wei and show how much he loved him. How all of him belonged to Suo Wei and no one else . Never in his life had he felt like this about anyone. Never had he wanted to claim another person like he did Suo Wei and never had he wanted to be so thoroughly claimed in return. He wanted to spend his entire life with Suo Wei, and all the lives after this one and then eternity in the afterlife with him. 

He wanted to explain how he’d been taking care of Suo Wei’s mother. He wanted to tell Suo Wei how sick his mother was, he wanted to be there with him as they both took care of her. He wanted to help him through the pain and protect him from it all at the same time. He wanted to do more than just casually suggest that Suo Wei visit his mother. He wanted to beg Suo Wei for his forgiveness for keeping all of this from him. 

All he wanted was to love Wu Suo Wei and be loved by him in return. 

Was it truly such a big ask? Were the heavens so against Chi Cheng and his happiness? Had his dice been cast at birth and was there truly no way to turn the fates in his favour? 

Was he set to lose everything and everyone that had ever meant anything to him? 

Maybe Chi Cheng was cursed. Maybe the devil had marked him for eternal suffering. 

MaybeMaybeMaybe-

He walked to the kitchen and brought out a bottle of whisky, drowning the contents in big gulps. The liquor burned as he flowed down his throat. The burn added to the pain already in his heart and the anguish in his soul. 

Chi Cheng had tried to be better for Suo Wei. Had tried to love him the way he deserved. But it had all backfired on him and now he didn’t even know if he still had a claim on Suo Wei. 

The thought made howl rip out from his lungs as he threw the empty bottle against the wall as he slumped against the counter. 

He couldn’t lose Suo Wei, just the thought made his heart seize up and stop beating for a moment. It came with a pain that made every nerve in his body seize up - almost paralyzing him - even worse than when he’d been in his early twenties and gotten bitten by a taipan snake, leaving him with severe scar tissue on his heart. 

Maybe that’s why he had such rotten luck in the matters of the heart. He had a defective and malfunctioning heart, he couldn’t love the proper way and thus was cursed to lose his loved ones. Even his own sister hated him, his parents not too far away as well. Those were people that were supposed to love him unconditionally , but they had the most conditions out of everyone that Chi Cheng had gotten close to. 

And then there was Wu Suo Wei. 

Suo Wei that never had any conditions for loving him. 

His little loser that kept him on his toes, that was the biggest brat that Chi Cheng had ever encountered. That was clueless but so determined to do right by Chi Cheng and give him what he wanted, even if it scared him, even if he had no experience to rely on. His little loser that was fearless and powerful, whose smile could light up the entire world, whose eyes shone like stars in the night sky. 

His little loser that sneaked candy and other sweets into his pockets to brighten Chi Cheng’s mind. His little loser that blew him sugar figurines of all his snakes just because he wanted and not because he expected anything in return. His little loser that had a multitude of talents but still didn’t see his own worth. 

Wu Suo Wei. 

Wu Suo Wei that Chi Cheng considered his and only his. 

Wu Suo Wei that Chi Cheng tried so hard to give his whole heart to in the right way. 

Wu Suo Wei that Chi Cheng was currently failing. 

That he had pushed away, that he had hurt, that he had deceived, that he had pushed into the arms of another man. 

A whimper left his lips as his knuckles gripped the edge of the counter as hard as he could. 

Had he done the right thing by keeping Suo Wei in the dark? 

He hadn’t been able to defend himself against Suo Wei’s accusations, silently damning himself instead. How long until Suo Wei grew tired of all the things he didn’t say? How long until he fell into Wang Zhen’s trap and Chi Cheng lost him? 

Would he be able to forgive himself for it? 

Would Suo Wei hate him for it? 

Would his mother hate him for how he would destroy her son? 

Would it be worth it in the end? All of these secrets that were destroying himself and Suo Wei from the inside out? 

If he told Suo Wei the truth, would that be the last straw? Would he kick Chi Cheng to the curb? Forever casting him out of his life? Would he hate Chi Cheng for keeping his mother’s illness from him? 

Was it better for Suo Wei to hate him for something he hadn’t done or for something he had done? 

Should he accept the role as cheater and liar from Suo Wei or should he tell the truth?

Chi Cheng had always prided himself on being honest and truthful. No matter what he planned and did, he was honest. He wasn’t in the business of spreading lies and playing tricks dripping with deceit. If he did something he did it honestly, no matter how fucked up the action was. If he wanted something done, be it winning a fight or getting revenge he was honest in his actions. Why lie when sometimes the truth was that much more poisonous? 

If he was fated to lose Wu Suo Wei should he lose him for something he hadn’t even done? Wasn’t it better to lose him with the truth? Even if losing him would be the end of Chi Cheng’s reason to live, even if it would hurt more than the venom of a viper, even if Chi Cheng would willingly fling himself into a viper’s nest and let them tear him to shreds afterwards. Wasn’t it better if he died because of the truth? 

Was he truly going to let Wang Shuo fuck him over and destroy his life for a second time? 

Chi Cheng wasn’t a man that just laid down and let himself be walked all over and be used and abused. He was the one that used people, that hurt others and gave them the poison they deserved. 

Chi Cheng took a shaky breath as he loosened his hold on the kitchen counter. He straightened himself up and looked over at Er Bao in the enclosure Suo Wei had done. The enclosure he had worked on for several nights, had read several books to research how best to build it, had tried to keep a secret so bad because he wanted to surprise Chi Cheng. The enclosure that like so many other things showcased Suo Wei’s devotion to Chi Cheng. 

He hadn’t been as good at showing his devotion in return. The turmoil inside him since he found out about Suo Wei’s mother clouding all judgement and logic inside his brain. He knew how much of a brat his boyfriend could be and how much he craved certain responses from him but he hadn’t even been in the right state of mind to give him those. 

In his pursuit to protect Suo Wei from a devastating pain, he had neglected him and hurt him. Made it seem like he wasn’t as dedicated to their relationship as Suo Wei was. That he didn’t care for Suo Wei just as much as the man cared for him. 

He had asked Suo Wei to stop playing games and just talk with him, in a plain way so they would both be on the same side. But Suo Wei was right, he demanded that of him but Chi Cheng hadn’t communicated in return. Chi Cheng wasn’t used to using words to get his thoughts and feelings across but thinking back to how things had been with Suo Wei lately, how the other man was tense, how he didn’t smile as often, didn’t try to be a brat as much, continuously kept asking about Wang Shuo and Guo Cheng Yu. Kept talking about Chi Cheng’s compatibility with other men . 

Was it possible that in his neglect of Suo Wei, the man had grown insecure? Not sure of his worth? 

Chi Cheng walked closer to the enclosure his boyfriend had built and reflected on that moment. At the time he’d been so hung up in his own fears and insecurities. That someone would see Suo Wei and try to take what was his, that the same betrayal that burnt him nearly a decade ago would engulf him in flames once again. But what was it Suo Wei had said?

Chi Cheng watched the spiral that was Er Bao sleeping as the words came back to him. 

I’m not used to a same-gender relationship yet. But I’m smart, I’m sure that in no time I’ll be a top 10 boyfriend. 

At every turn Suo Wei had underlined his inexperience in a gay relationship but also highlighted his determination to be good. To be worthy . The actions had made Chi Cheng fall deeper and deeper for the man. No one else had ever done so much to showcase their devotion to Chi Cheng. They always expected things from Chi Cheng, mostly his money and his influence. But Suo Wei never did, when Chi Cheng gave him his money and influence he always looked shocked and unsure what to do with it. 

In the end all Suo Wei had wanted was Chi Cheng’s attention and devotion. 

Something he’d been failing to give him these past few days. 

Something Suo Wei thought was because Chi Cheng had lost interest in him. Because he was interested in Wang Shuo or Guo Cheng Yu . He grimaced at the thought, as if they could ever compare to Suo Wei. 

Chi Cheng had fucked up. 

He had fucked up and nearly lost Suo Wei. 

Or had he already lost him? No. 

Chi Cheng couldn’t let the thought fester and make a place in his mind. His mind was already brittle and his restraint to go after Suo Wei was frail at best. If he let the thought fester and grow he would lose his mind. He’d destroy everything he could get his hands on to make sure he didn’t go after Suo Wei. He was sure that instead of listening to him Suo Wei would only shout at him and shut him out if he was to show up at the clinic right now. 

Chi Cheng would respect his wish, at least for tonight. Tomorrow he would go to the clinic and tell Suo Wei the entire truth. What he’d been doing, why he had been lying about meeting with clients. How he had only met up with Wang Shuo once and all the other times it had been against his will. He would tell Suo Wei that Wang Shuo had kissed him but all the action did was disgust him. He would profess his love to Suo Wei in as many words and actions as he could. 

He would give Suo Wei his heart. His mangled, dysfunctional heart. He would lay himself entirely bare for the love of his life and let him decide what would be left of Chi Cheng. 

He just hoped - prayed - that it wasn’t too late. That he hadn’t lost Suo Wei yet. That he still had a chance to fix what he broke. 

That Suo Wei loved him just as much as Chi Cheng loved him. 

After all, there was only Suo Wei for Chi Cheng, and if he wouldn’t have him, there was no reason for Chi Cheng to go on. 

. . .

Chi Cheng woke up, his body stiff and aching. He had fallen asleep sitting up on the couch and now he was paying the price for it. He scrubbed his hand over his face as he sighed and looked around the living room. The mess of the coffee table and the shards of glass littering the space before him seemed larger in the sunlight than it did last night and he should clean it up but the impatience and urgency to go to the clinic and talk to Suo Wei was overpowering. How could he waste time cleaning this shit up when he could get back Suo Wei? When he could clear the air between them? 

Mind made up he jumped over the couch and walked into the bedroom, a quick shower and a change of clothes and he’d be on his way. 

As he got ready he begged whatever deity that was out there for support. To please let everything go alright, to please help him keep Suo Wei and not let their relationship crumble right in front of his eyes. 

He hoped, he prayed, he begged. 

Chi Cheng would do anything to keep Suo Wei. He just hoped the feeling was mutual. 

Once he was ready he quickly made his way to his car and sped off towards the clinic. A glance on the dashboard showed the time being 06:53. Hopefully Suo Wei was still at the clinic and he hadn’t gone anywhere, it was still early enough that he should be still there. But the anxiety that was dancing along his nerves was making it hard to calm himself down. Imagining all kinds of scenarios that he would stumble upon. The next worse than the previous one, and the unknowing of it all made him press the gas pedal further down. He didn’t care if he was speeding and endangering the lives of others, he needed to get to the clinic as fast as possible, needed to get to Suo Wei before it was too late. He would take whatever penalty he deserved later, but for right now, what he needed was Wu Suo Wei. 

He arrived at the clinic in record time, his watch showing 07:17. He had broken a dozen laws in the process but it had gotten him here, hopefully in time. 

The clinic was mostly empty when Chi Cheng entered, there was an old couple talking to the nurses and Xiao Shuai was sitting typing on his computer. Chi Cheng ignored them all and made his way to the backroom, his heart nearly beating out of his chest at being this close to finally seeing Suo Wei again. 

“Hey! He’s not in there!” Xiao Shuai’s voice stopped him. 

“What the fuck do you mean he’s not here? He was going to spend the night here,” Chi Cheng said harshly, turning a furious glare at the doctor. 

“And he did,” Xiao Shuai said, his fingers twitching on top of the keyboard. “But he left early this morning, said he’d be back later.” 

“Where did he go?” Chi Cheng asked, his hands shaking by his sides. He had missed him? 

“I don’t know, he didn’t say,” Xiao Shuai answered. 

“Call him right now and ask him then!” Chi Cheng shouted, walking up to the desk and slamming his palm on top of it, making Xiao Shuai startle as the old grandma on the other side of the room let out a shriek. 

“Why can’t you?” Xiao Shuai asked, his voice shaking a tiny bit. 

Good, be afraid. 

“You know why he wouldn’t take my calls right now, he tells you everything, doesn’t he?” Chi Cheng said, almost spat. He couldn’t help but be jealous of the friendship between Suo Wei and Xiao Shuai. 

Xiao Shuai nodded, making Chi Cheng want to wring his neck. Here was a man that knew more about Suo Wei than he did and it made ugly dark emotions twist inside his soul. He wanted to quash the smaller man and make him pay for it. He had no right to know all the things Chi Cheng didn’t know. 

“I’ll call him,” Xiao Shuai said, shakingly getting his phone out of his pocket. He leaned as much as he could against the chair in order to get some space between them but Chi Cheng wouldn’t let up. He wanted Xiao Shuai to be uncomfortable, to know that Chi Cheng would destroy him if he didn’t do as he asked. 

Xiao Shuai cleared his throat as the phone rang, his eyes roaming around anything that was Chi Cheng. He could almost smell the fear and unease on the other man and it made him smirk. 

“Da Wei,” Xiao Shuai said softly before clearing his throat. “I, I was just wondering, how long will you be gone from the clinic?” he asked, his eyes going to and from Chi Cheng, too scared to settle on his face. “Why? Um…” Xiao Shuai trailed off, eyes growing wide as he looked at Chi Cheng. 

Chi Cheng slowly shook his head. If Suo Wei found out that Chi Cheng was at the clinic he wouldn’t come back, in fact he would probably stay out later than he first planned just to piss Chi Cheng off. 

“Well, I, I could use some help with unpacking some supplies,” Xiao Shuai said. “A shipment came earlier than expected so…” Xiao Shuai trailed off again, looking up at Chi Cheng as if seeking his approval. 

Chi Cheng smirked and nodded. The action caused Xiao Shuai to let out an inaudible sigh as he closed his eyes, slumping into the chair. 

“An hour? Okay, that’s great! Thank you Da Wei!” Xiao Shuai almost shouted, his relief palatable. He looked up at Chi Cheng again. “He’ll be here in an hour, um, you can wait for him in the back room?” he said, but it came out sounding more like a question. 

“No telling him I’m there when he comes, do you hear me?” he said, squeezing Xiao Shuai’s left shoulder. 

“L-Loud and clear!” 

“Good,” he said, patting Xiao Shuai’s shoulder before straightening up and walking straight into the backroom. 

The backroom looked exactly as it had the last time Chi Cheng had been here. Books were piled on the desk, there were boxes by the door and a bunch of medical supplies on the top bunk of the bed. 

Chi Cheng’s nerves were still distraught. The morning was going nothing like how he’d planned it. He thought he would come to the clinic and see Suo Wei still asleep, thigh high up as he cuddled the duvet and pillow close to him. His Da Bao looked so cute in his sleep, sometimes after Suo Wei had fallen asleep he would spend minutes, even hours just looking at him. At his soft features, all relaxed. He would catalog every mole, every small imperfection, every detail, to memory. He would carefully trace his fingertips like a feather as he drew patterns on Suo Wei’s face. 

He thought he would get the chance to do it now as well, that he would take a moment just to breathe the same air as Suo Wei and let his heart relax after the taxing night. He hadn’t planned out how exactly he would confess everything, but he thought the words would just come as he watched Suo Wei. 

Maybe it was foolish of him to think that everything would easily work out, that he wouldn’t have to work for forgiveness. But he thought that Suo Wei would be here at least, even if it meant he had to grovel and beg on his knees. 

But Suo Wei wasn’t here, and Chi Cheng didn’t have any idea of where he might be. What if he was getting himself into trouble? Getting hurt? What if something happened and Chi Cheng hadn’t been there with him? 

Or what if he was with Wang Zhen? Wang Zhen who was a master manipulator, who preyed on the innocent and loved to tear them to shreds for his own amusement and pleasure. What if Suo Wei was stuck in one of his traps? What if he wouldn’t return to him? 

The images his mind was conjuring played across his eyelids and the rage and fear shot through his veins and right into his bloodstream and he couldn’t help but kick the boxes by the door. Trying to expel the emotions and images. 

He pressed his palms to his eyelids, pressing them so harshly it felt like he was going to pop his eyesockets. The pain helped with the nerves and expelled the conjured images. Suo Wei would be fine, he would soon be here and then Chi Cheng could explain everything and all would be well again. 

Chi Cheng took a deep breath.

In. 

Out. 

Inhale. 

Exhale. 

And repeat. 

After a couple of deep breaths he felt more settled. His heart didn’t feel like it was going to jump out of his chest at any given second and his skin didn’t feel like plastic wrapped tightly around him. 

He dropped his hands and took a final breath as he opened his eyes. Spots danced across his vision and he blinked repeatedly to get rid of them. 

After a while the spots finally disappeared and he took in the mess on the floor. The box he’d kicked had seemed to contain a bunch of photographs and notes. 

Chi Cheng sighed and kneeled down to gather them up. The last thing he needed was for Suo Wei to come back to a mess and berate him even more. He was here to make up, not make things worse. 

But as Chi Cheng actually looked at the items scattered across the floor he paused, frowning down at what he was seeing. There were a bunch of pictures of Suo Wei with… Yue Yue? 

He quickly picked up a few and took a closer look at them. Some were innocent enough, just the two of them standing beside each other. But others made it clear what their relationship was. There were pictures of their arms around each other, pictures where they gave each other kisses, on the cheek and on the lips. 

What the fuck was this? 

Suo Wei had dated Yue Yue? 

When?

Surely it had to be before he started he started dating Chi Cheng-

Suddenly, Suo Wei’s mother’s words echoed in his mind. 

Da Qiong just came out of a three year long relationship with this girl. 

They even talked of getting married. 

Was Yue Yue that girl? 

The air inside of Chi Cheng’s lungs stuttered, making him gasp for air and crush the photographs in his hands. 

What the fuck did this mean? 

He looked around the floor, looking at everything else scattered.

There were pictures of him, his parents, his snakes . 

Pictures of Guo Cheng Yu, of Wang Shuo. 

He kneewalked closer to the box and contents that hadn’t spilled out entirely. There were lists and other notes as well. A list of books he’d read during university. A list of things he liked. A list of things he disliked. A list of all the snake species that he owned. A list of places he frequented before he met Suo Wei. There were notes on snake care, notes of attributes of different snake species. 

Chi Cheng threw the lists and notes behind him and looked over the floor, his thoughts racing a million miles a minute, too fast for him to comprehend anything. 

A bright pink note caught his eye and he reached out to grab it. At the very top, in Suo Wei’s handwriting, it said Perfect Revenge Plan . Chi Cheng felt a bit sick, but he couldn’t help but continue reading. Below was a numbered check list detailing how Suo Wei would get revenge on Yue Yue for breaking up with him. It listed ways in how Suo Wei would gain Chi Cheng’s attention and which tricks he would use in order to seduce him and make him fall for him to the extent he would break up with Yue Yue. 

His eyes strayed to the bottom of the page where Suo Wei had written a note.

Once she sees me with him
she’ll regret ever breaking up with me
and it will haunt her for the rest of her life!!! 

Oh…

Had it all been a farce? 

Was none of this real? Was everything they’ve shared a lie ? Had Wu Suo Wei used Chi Cheng as some toy to get back at his wench of an ex? 

He crumbled the paper as his whole body shook, tears falling numbly from his eyes. 

Here he was. On his knees, where he had been ready to beg Wu Suo Wei for forgiveness. To lay down every card and come clean about everything . About the past with Wang Shuo and Guo Cheng Yu, about his mother’s illness, about his feelings - his love for Wu Suo Wei. 

Chi Cheng had been tormenting himself over keeping his mother’s illness from Wu Suo Wei. Had beaten himself into submission so he wouldn’t act out the possessiveness he wanted to show whenever Wu Suo Wei was around Wang Zhen. His heart had twisted itself into a thousand knots because of the guilt he felt at hiding things from his boyfriend. It had twisted itself over the fear that all of his efforts to protect Wu Suo Wei would be the very thing that would make him lose him. He had laid awake worrying and trying to figure out a way to keep Wu Suo Wei without betraying his mother’s confidence. 

He had fallen deeper and deeper in love with Wu Suo Wei for all these months. He’d spent the months being amazed that here was this guy, this guy that wanted nothing in return for his sweet gestures. That simply only wanted Chi Cheng and not everything else that came with him. 

But it had all been a lie, hadn’t it?

For why should anyone love Chi Cheng for himself? 

A humorless laugh left his lips. 

Of course Wu Suo Wei didn’t love him. 

The thought felt like a piercing dagger shooting straight into his heart. The pain from it was so harsh it made him bend over, his hands clutching the floor as more tears spilled from his eyes. 

Chi Cheng had thought he had found the love of his life. 

But it seemed that for Wu Suo Wei he was just a tool for revenge. 

Is that why Wu Suo Wei had continued to ask about Wang Shuo? About Guo Cheng Yu? Why he kept on commenting on their compatibility? Did he want Chi Cheng to dump him? Why didn’t he just do it himself? Was he scared Chi Cheng was going to hurt him? 

A sob tore itself from his throat and he curled into himself further. 

What did even Wu Suo Wei think of him? 

Did he even like him? 

Had it all truly been fake? 

Chi Cheng didn’t know you could fake feelings as well as that. But maybe Wu Suo Wei was just such a good actor. All those sweet moments, all those times Chi Cheng thought Wu Suo Wei gave himself away willingly, all those times he thought Wu Suo Wei trusted him. All those times where Wu Suo Wei claimed him. 

Were they all fake? 

Was none of it real? 

Chi Cheng didn’t know how long he spent curled up on the floor of the backroom, sobbing his heart out. He’d never felt a pain like this in his heart. He hadn’t felt this betrayed when Wang Shuo had cheated on him. He hadn’t felt this kind of despair when he’d lost Guo Cheng Yu as his best friend. He hadn’t even felt like his entire world had crashed down all around him when he lay dying from the taipan venom. 

The man he loved, the man he thought he had finally figured out. Did he even know him? 

Was the Wu Suo Wei he had fallen in love with - his little loser - even the real Wu Suo Wei? Were the attributes he thought he had seen even when Wu Suo Wei wanted to keep them hidden part of the real him? Or were they just another layer of deceit? Another fake version created in order to attract and seduce Chi Cheng further? 

What was Wu Suo Wei’s end plan? 

He had broken up with Yue Yue ages ago. Why were they still together? What more did Wu Suo Wei want from him? Hadn’t he taken enough from Chi Cheng? 

His breath hitched as he sat up and rubbed the tears away from his face. Fuck, he wanted a drink and a smoke so badly . But he wasn’t going to leave, Chi Cheng may be many things but he wasn’t a coward that ran away. 

Chi Cheng stood up on shaky legs and walked to the door and opened it. He walked out on the small porch and dragged a chair closer to the door’s opening. He pulled out his packet of cigarettes and his lighter as he sat down and lit up a cigarette. He didn’t have any alcohol but for now this would do. 

He slumped back in the chair as he inhaled a puff of smoke, trapping it in his lungs, letting the smoke burn his lungs as he closed his eyes and tried to gather his thoughts. 

A small part of him wanted to hurt Wu Suo Wei. To wound him and cut him open as a reflection of what he himself was feeling. He wanted to see Wu Suo Wei in such deep despair that he would barely be able to stand from the pain of it all. He wanted Wu Suo Wei to crumble onto the ground and for his will to live to evaporate. 

But the larger part of him - the part that still loved Wu Suo Wei with every single fiber and atom in his body - didn’t want to hurt him at all. That part just wanted an explanation. Just wanted to know if everything they’ve been through these past months had been fake. He wanted to know if even for a single second, Suo Wei had had any genuine emotions towards him. 

Chi Cheng was aware enough of his feelings that he knew, if Suo Wei felt even a tenth of what he felt, he would forgive him in a heartbeat. He would try to be the best boyfriend the world had ever seen if it meant he would get to keep Suo Wei and the man would love him in return. 

He lit up another cigarette, squashing the butt of the old one under his shoe. 

Chi Cheng should feel pathetic. Here he was after finding out the love of his life had betrayed him, had played him, had never reciprocated his feelings at all. And he was thinking of ways of how he could keep him. Of how he could make Suo Wei love him. 

He was utterly and brokenly pathetic . 

Time moved as slowly as molasses and as fast as the wind. Chi Cheng had smoked all the cigarettes in his pack and he was now playing with his lighter. He watched as his fingers moved through the flame, the small pain in his fingertips incomparable to the pain in his heart. His head was empty, too exhausted to think, too exhausted to feel anything but misery. 

He didn’t notice that someone had entered the room until he heard a sharp gasp, making him drop the lighter and turn around. 

There he was. 

Wu Suo Wei.

The love of Chi Cheng’s life.

And the bane of his existence. 

Suo Wei’s eyes were on the floor, eyes moving quickly as he took in all the photos and lists scattered about. 

Chi Cheng stood up, his knees shaking and his heart conflicted if he should scream at Suo Wei to go or to hold him. 

Suo Wei looked up from the floor, his eyes filled with despair and panic and a small part of Chi Cheng couldn’t help but bask in it, happy that he wasn’t the only one in misery. Happy that Suo Wei had realized he had fucked up majorly as well. 

“Chi Cheng,” Suo Wei rasped. “I, I can explain, it’s not what you think it is,” he said, his eyes fitting between Chi Cheng’s face and the floor. 

“So, you didn’t seduce me to get back at Yue Yue?” he asked, his voice cold and detached, slightly scratchy from all the smoking. 

“I,” Suo Wei started, his breath hitching. He was fidgeting with his fingers, hands shaking. “It started like that, she broke up with me and started dating others. And then, and then,” he stuttered, eyes filling with more panic. “I kept bumping into you, and I couldn’t understand why, and, and then I, I saw you with Yue Yue and I thought you were messing with me on purpose. So, so I thought I would get back at you both, but mostly her!” Suo Wei said rapidly, nearly shouting in the end. 

Chi Cheng crossed his arms across his chest, keeping quiet. He couldn’t lie and say he didn’t enjoy watching Suo Wei squirm. 

“So, I made up a plan on how to seduce you and get back at her for breaking up with me. And I a-admit that in the start that was all this was to me, just a way to get revenge,” he said, the only sound in the room the click of Suo Wei’s throat. “After all, I was straight, or, at least that’s what I thought,” he said, running a hand through his hair. 

“I, I don’t know exactly what I am,” Suo Wei said, his eyes filling with tears as he fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “I don’t know if I’m straight or gay or whatever, all I know is that I, I love you,” he said softly, a few tears falling down his cheeks and Chi Cheng’s breath stuttered inside his chest, the confession nearly making him fall where he stood. 

Suo Wei loved him? 

“It stopped being about revenge for me a long time ago. Even when I finally got revenge on Yue Yue, it didn’t matter, because all I could think about was how much I didn’t want to lose you,” Suo Wei continued, tears falling freely down his face. “I wanted to tell you the truth so much, I tried so many times as well but, but I never managed because I was afraid, so afraid , that if I confessed I would lose you,” Suo Wei sobbed. 

Chi Cheng felt frozen, all the anger, hurt and betrayal he had felt earlier washed away from his body. Suo Wei loved him. He wanted him and was just as afraid as Chi Cheng to lose their relationship. 

“I, I,” Suo Wei sobbed, but couldn’t go on before he clutched his chest and bent down, his sobs turning into high pitch wails. 

Chi Cheng finally managed to unfreeze himself from his spot and rushed to scoop up Suo Wei in his arms, holding him tight against his chest as his tears fell from his eyes down to Suo Wei’s hair. 

“I’m so sorry,” Suo Wei hiccuped, his hands clutching the back of Chi Cheng’s shirt, pulling himself closer to him. 

Chi Cheng shook his head on top of Suo Wei’s, exhaling shakily as more tears fell from his eyes. “No, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for the past few days, I’ll explain everything to you right now, I promise,” he said, his fingers digging into the parts of Suo Wei he was holding, a sob breaking through his lips as he buried his face into Suo Wei’s hair. 

His words just made Suo Wei sob harder and Chi Cheng had no idea how long they stood there, bodies shaking as sobs and tears spilled from them. Chi Cheng knew he would have bruises from where Suo Wei was clutching him and that he’d leave the same marks on Suo Wei. 

His heart ached with every sob coming from Suo Wei. Each one was like an individual stab of the knife straight into his heart. “Please, Wei Wei, please don’t cry anymore,” he pleaded, placing kisses on the top of Suo Wei’s head. They still had so much to talk about, difficult things, and he knew it was far from the last tears either of them would shed. 

It took a few minutes until Suo Wei, and subsequently Chi Cheng, calmed down. Slowly, Suo Wei lifted his head from Chi Cheng’s chest and looked up at him. His eyes were puffy and red, his cheeks were streaked with tearmarks. He should look ridiculous, but he was still the most beautiful thing Chi Cheng had seen. 

Shakingly, he moved his hands from Suo Wei’s waist and back and brought them up to his face. Carefully he cupped his cheeks and used his thumbs to wipe away the leftover tears and their tracks from Suo Wei’s face. The action made Suo Wei let out a shaky breath and close his eyes as a small tear fell down his cheek. Chi Cheng whipped that one away as well, before slowly leaning down and placing a kiss on Suo Wei’s forehead. 

Suo Wei let out a gasp and his hands came around onto Chi Cheng’s front where he clutched his shirt and pulled him towards him. Chi Cheng just continued placing small pecks on Suo Wei’s face; his eyelids, below his eyes, his cheeks, his nose, the corners of his lips, his chin and lastly his lips. The kiss was nothing more than a peck, something small to comfort his love with, before he pulled back to look at the man. 

“Wei Wei,” he said softly, hoping the man would open his eyes. 

Chi Cheng wasn’t disappointed, Suo Wei opened his beautiful big eyes and looked up at him. His eyes glittered like the ocean on a sunny day and they were filled with a storm of emotions that Chi Cheng didn’t even try to identify. 

“You don’t hate me?” Suo Wei whispered, his voice scratchy from all the crying. 

Chi Cheng let one of his hands slip to the back of Suo Wei’s neck, cupping it and stroking it up and down. “I should, but I don’t,” he said, shaking his head. 

Suo Wei took in a harsh breath at his words. “Are you going to break up with me?” he asked, voice wobbly. 

“Never,” Chi Cheng said, his voice taking on a harsh edge. “I love you too much to ever part with you,” he said, eyes never leaving Suo Wei’s. 

“You, you love me?” he asked, awe and disbelief coloring his voice. 

“Of course I love you, idiot,” he said, a small smile appearing on his lips. “I’ve loved you for a long time. You’re so important to me, Wei Wei,” he continued, leaning his forehead against Suo Wei’s but never breaking eye contact with him. “I can’t ever lose you,” he said, voice breaking. 

“You won’t,” Suo Wei said, his voice strong as he pulled his head back to look at Chi Cheng. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

Chi Cheng’s breath stuttered and he had to close his eyes at Suo Wei’s confession. Fuck , this was all he wanted. But would he be allowed to keep it? 

“Chi Cheng? What’s going on?” Suo Wei asked, a slight tremor in his voice. 

Chi Cheng opened his eyes and saw the fear in Suo Wei’s eyes. Fuck, he hoped against everything that he would be able to keep this man. “It’s about why I’ve been acting the way I have these past few days,” he said, and at his words Suo Wei immediately tensed up, biting his lips as his eyes lowered down to his own hands right above Chi Cheng’s heart. 

“I know,” Suo Wei whispered. 

“ What ?” Chi Cheng gasped, had his mother finally told him? 

“I saw you kiss him, the other night,” he whispered, his hands tightening their hold on Chi Cheng’s shirt. 

Oh… It wasn’t what Chi Cheng thought, but okay, he could start there. 

“You have to know I never wanted to kiss him, you have to know he kissed me . You saw me push him away as soon as it happened, didn’t you?” he said, eyes trying to catch Suo Wei’s lowered ones. 

Suo Wei shook his head. “I, I left as soon as it happened, I… I didn’t want to stay and see more,” he said softly, still talking to Chi Cheng’s chest. 

That’s it. 

He grabbed Suo Wei’s chin with one of his hands and tilted his head up, looking straight into his eyes. “Wang Shuo means nothing to me. I don’t carry a single shred of feelings towards him. I’ll admit I met with him once to get some sort of answer. When it was clear he would never give me one I didn’t seek him out, he came after me . I know I could have handled it all so much better, but I, I was distracted,” he said, trailing off as he swallowed. How do you go on to tell the love of your life that their mother is dying?

“Then why was he always around you? Why did you know even from some simple throw away comment that I was talking about him? What does Guo Cheng Yu have to do with all of this? Do you like him? Or did you?” Suo Wei said, words tumbling out of his mouth in a rush, like if he didn’t get it all out he was afraid he’d never get his answers. 

“Wang Shuo is a manipulative, cowardly son of a bitch. Our relationship was messy and filled with mind games masquerading as affection. There are some things he said to me that no one else did, I know his words when I hear them, even if you are the one saying them. I don’t know why he came back or what he plans to do and I’m sorry that I didn’t make it clear enough to him that he shouldn’t even try ,” he said, angry at himself for letting Wang Shuo get so entangled in his and Suo Wei’s relationship. 

“I do have a good reason for why I was so distracted, but I’ll answer your question about Guo Cheng Yu first. Cheng Yu was my best friend, I’ve known him since practically birth. I know from your notes,” he said, releasing his grip on Suo Wei’s chin when he flinched at the mention of his scheming and snooping, to cup his cheek. “That you know he slept with Wang Shuo while we were together. I don’t know why he did that and he’s never told me. Ever since then we stopped being best friends-”

“But you kissed him,” Suo Wei interrupted, wincing when the words escaped him against his will.

Chi Cheng frowned. “When did I kiss him?” he asked, confused. 

“I,” Suo Wei said before closing his eyes and groaning. “I saw the video on Wang Shuo’s computer,” he said, making Chi Cheng even more confused. 

“What video?” 

Suo Wei opened his eyes, looking back in equal confusion. “The video,” he started, frowning. “The video of Wang Shuo daring you to kiss Guo Cheng Yu,” he said slowly. 

Chi Cheng frowned. He doesn’t remember Wang Shuo filming them whenever they played any games, let alone when they did something as stupid as dares . “I don’t remember him ever filming something like that, but yes, he did dare me to kiss him and I did. It wasn’t a big deal,” he said. 

“But he was the most important person in your life, even more than Wang Shuo at the time,” Suo Wei continued. Chi Cheng frowned deeper. Whatever Wang Shuo had told him had rattled him all the way to his core, spreading doubts and insecurities about Chi Cheng’s actual feelings. 

“He was, he was my best friend,” Chi Cheng said slowly. “How do you know that?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at Suo Wei. He had never told anyone that, not even Cheng Yu himself. 

“Wang Shuo had filmed you when he asked you in your sleep,” Suo Wei said, voice careful as if he was talking to a wild animal he was trying not to spook. 

“Filmed me in my sleep,” he repeated carefully and Suo Wei nodded. “What else have you seen that he has filmed?” he asked, mind going through every single moment he spent with Wang Shuo that could be used against his and Suo Wei’s relationship. 

Suo Wei swallowed, his eyes filled with anxiety but never straying from Chi Cheng’s. “Some of it was harmless, just the three of you together, of the two of you being… lovely-dovely ,” Suo Wei said, spitting out the last word, his jealousy clear, making a warmth spread in Chi Cheng’s body. “Then there was the video of when you said Guo Cheng Yu was the most important person in your life. The video of you kissing him. Then there was a video of you and Wang Shuo arguing about Guo Cheng Yu and if you have any feelings for him…” Suo Wei said, trailing off in the end, looking embarrassed and insecure at the same time. 

Chi Cheng was going to murder Wang Shuo for dumping his baseless insecurities onto Suo Wei and trying to ruin their relationship. 

“There has never been anything between me and Cheng Yu. Nothing in the terms of feelings at least,” he said.

Suo Wei’s eyes immediately lit up, catching the meaning between the lines. “But besides feelings? What has there been between you?” he asked, insecurity clear in his voice and Chi Cheng held in his anger at Wang Shuo. It wasn’t fair to take that out on Suo Wei. 

“When we first realized that we were attracted to guys, me and Cheng Yu fooled around a lot. We wanted to practice with each other so when we finally saw someone we liked, we wouldn’t be bad at kissing and sex,” he said, internally cringing at how it all sounded and at the reaction he knew Suo Wei was going to have. 

Suo Wei pushed him away using the hands on his chest and pointed a finger at him. “You had sex with Guo Cheng Yu?!” he shouted. “Several times?!” he continued before he started to pace in front of the bunk bed. “And, and you want me to believe there’s nothing between you?!” he shouted, arms waving around in the air. His eyes were filled with jealousy and rage and any other time Chi Cheng would have loved to see this reaction, would have loved to exploit this reaction. But this wasn’t the time. 

“Wei Wei,” he started, trying to bring him back into Chi Cheng’s arms. 

“No! Don’t touch me with your filthy hands! Who the fuck haven’t you had sex with?!” he shouted. 

“It was over a decade ago!” he shouted back. 

“And yet you remained best friends! How can you say there’s nothing between you two!” Suo Wei continued, getting more and more agitated. 

“For fuck’s sake,” Chi Cheng muttered before grabbing one of Suo Wei’s arms and slamming him against his chest. He wrapped his arm around Suo Wei’s waist and placed the other under Suo Wei’s knees before picking him up and lifting him. Chi Cheng then threw him on the bed.

Suo Wei looked up at him with wide, shocked eyes but before he could say anything Chi Cheng got on top of him, pressing him down on the mattress. He took a hold of his wrists in one hand and used his other hand to wrap around Suo Wei’s throat, using his thumb to direct Suo Wei’s gaze onto himself. “Are you done?” he asked. 

Suo Wei was breathing harshly, his chest rising and falling rapidly. There was also a faint blush covering his cheeks and Chi Cheng could see the lust in his gaze. He had to rein in his own lust that came to the forefront at seeing Suo Wei’s reaction. The realization that it had been days since he’d had sex with Suo Wei came to his mind and he nearly wanted to say fuck it to it all and take Suo Wei right here and now. But he still had so much to say, he couldn’t get distracted now, even if Suo Wei’s bratty mouth was begging to be choked by his cock. 

“I’m done,” Suo Wei breathed out. 

“Good,” Chi Cheng said, and felt, more than saw, the shiver that went through Suo Wei’s body at the praise. He leaned in, letting his lips ghost along the sensitive ridge of Suo Wei’s ear, and whispered, “later, I’ll take care of you, is that alright?” 

Suo Wei groaned beneath him, throwing his head back. “ Fuck ,” he whimpered and Chi Cheng couldn’t help but smirk. Just because he was restraining himself didn’t mean he couldn’t have a little bit of fun. 

“Can you behave until then?” he asked Suo Wei, smirking down at the man. 

“ Yes , fuck, just-” 

“Just what?”

“Just continue talking!” he shouted, glaring at Chi Cheng. 

Chi Cheng nodded, moving his hand so it was wrapped around Suo Wei’s neck instead of his throat. “If I had any feelings for Guo Cheng Yu, I would have been with him. The fact that I was with Wang Shuo and now with you should clue you in on that fact, don’t you think?” he said, his tone going from playful to serious again. 

“But what if he didn’t want to be with you? Wouldn’t you just try to make him jealous?” Suo Wei said, his eyes evading Chi Cheng. 

The uncertainty and insecurity Chi Cheng could hear in Suo Wei’s voice and see in his body language was odd. Usually Suo Wei was much more confident, almost to a stubborn degree, to see him this anxious and almost defeated, broke Chi Cheng’s heart. He knew he couldn’t fully blame Wang Shuo for this new development, he knew he had played a part in making Suo Wei lose confidence in himself and their relationship and he vowed right there and then to make sure Suo Wei never felt like this again. 

“No, there wouldn’t be a point to that. Me and him know each other too well for tricks like that,” he said, using the hand on Suo Wei’s neck to make him look at him. “And you know that when there’s something I want, I’ll do everything and anything to get it. Why would it be any different if I wanted him?” he asked. 

Suo Wei tried to shrug, but with Chi Cheng still holding his wrists above his head, it looked a bit ridiculous. “He was important, you wouldn’t want to lose him, maybe you wouldn’t be forceful,” Suo Wei said quietly. His eyes were filled with apprehension, like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“Maybe,” Chi Cheng said, he truly didn’t know what he would do but he couldn’t imagine himself doing anything different in how he would pursue someone he wanted. “I don’t know what else to tell you to make you believe that the only person I want and love is you. But if you let me, I will spend the rest of our lives proving it to you.” 

“Yeah?” Suo Wei said quietly, a small smile gracing his lips. 

“Of course,” Chi Cheng replied. He couldn’t help but lean down and leave a soft kiss onto Suo Wei’s lips. Suo Wei moaned and tried to deepen the kiss but Chi Cheng quickly pulled away. He wasn’t done yet after all. 

“These past days,” he started, making Suo Wei blink away the arousal from his eyes as his eyes turned uneasy. His face also became more tense, like he was bracing himself for impact and the sight hurt Chi Cheng. How had he let it get so far? How had he hurt him so much and so deeply? 

“These past days when you’ve asked where I’ve been and I’ve said I’ve spent the days with clients, those were obvious lies. But it wasn’t like you thought, I wasn’t spending time with Wang Shuo, or Guo Cheng Yu or whoever the fuck other you’ve imagined I’ve been with. I was with your mother,” he said, his throat clicking as he swallowed. 

Suo Wei took advantage of his small pause. “My mom? Why?” he asked, frowning. 

“Remember the first day? When you called me early in the morning to ask where I was and then I came home drunk?” he asked, his heartbeat picking up. Fuck, he didn’t want to do this but he wasn’t going to let Suo Wei believe he was less worthy than fucking Wang Shuo. 

Suo Wei bit his lips, his eyes shining with hurt, probably replaying the memories in his head before he nodded. 

“Well, I went with your mother for her check up-”

“My mom had a check up? Wait, why did she tell you and not me?” Suo Wei asked, his eyes worried and hurt. 

“She didn’t tell me. I went to her to give her some gifts and she mentioned she had a check up and couldn’t invite me in for tea. So, I offered to take her there and I stayed with her through the entire thing,” he said, releasing a shaky breath. 

“Okay,” Suo Wei said, his throat clicking as he swallowed, looking nervous. “Why did you come home drunk? What happened?” he asked. 

Chi Cheng took a deep breath and resisted the urge to look away. The least Suo Wei deserved was for him to look him in the eyes as he told him about his mother’s illness. “When they called her number, I went in to talk with the doctor instead of her and,” he said, interrupting himself to take a deep breath. “And, he said she had pancreatic cancer and that I should prepare myself because she doesn’t have much time left,” he said quietly.

Because his eyes never left Suo Wei’s, he saw the moment the words registered in his mind. He saw the disbelief, the fear, the pain , as his eyes filled with tears. 

“What?” Suo Wei croaked. “What the fuck are you saying?” he said, tears falling down his cheeks as he shook his head frantically. “No, she- No, she can’t- She can’t, right? Right, Chi Cheng?” he sobbed and Chi Cheng cupped his face with both of his hands, releasing Suo Wei’s wrists, as he tried to whip the tears away. 

Chi Cheng’s own eyes filled with tears and he could feel his hands shaking. “I’m so sorry . I wanted to tell you from the beginning but she made me promise I wouldn’t tell you. She didn’t want you to worry, and I tried every day to convince her to tell you. Even now, when she’s admitted to the hospital so the doctors can see if there’s any treatments they can do, she still didn’t want to tell you. I kept pleading with her, but she was insistent that you didn’t know, she didn’t want to worry you-” 

“You had no right to keep it from me!” Suo Wei sobbed, his hands hitting Chi Cheng’s shoulders. 

“I know, I’m so sorry. I just wanted to protect you from the pain. I wanted you to be with your mother without having this horrible knowledge hanging over all your interactions. I truly only wanted what was best for you,” Chi Cheng sobbed back. His tears fell, mixing in with Suo Wei’s as they ran down his cheeks. 

Suo Wei just let out another sob, words getting stuck in his throat. He kept making choking sounds that sounded like a mix between sobs and wails. Chi Cheng fully believed he would throw him off him and onto the floor, but Suo Wei gripped his shoulders and pulled him tighter against him. Suo Wei wrapped his arms tightly around Chi Cheng as his sobs grew louder and louder. All Chi Cheng could do in that moment was to hold on to him and let his own tears, tears he hadn’t let himself acknowledge, fall. 

. . .

Chi Cheng sighed, his body felt warm and safe . His head was resting against something soft and there was something massaging his head. He felt so relaxed and so heavy. He knew he was in that limbo state, halfway asleep and halfway awake. His eyes felt too heavy to be opened, but he could hear some vague sounds. He could also feel the rumble of something against his cheek. Although everything in him just wanted to go back to sleep, to wrap himself fully into the safety and warmth, there was one small part that fought against the rest of his body. 

As Chi Cheng focused more and more on that small part, the sounds around him were starting to become more clear. 

“We both will be there,” came a voice through the sleepy haze Chi Cheng was caught in. “I know, I’m sorry too,” said the same voice again. Who was it talking to? There were no other sounds in the room. 

The sounds ceased for a moment and it was enough of a moment that Chi Cheng nearly fell back asleep until he heard it. 

A small, almost entirely silent, sniffle. 

Wu Suo Wei . 

Chi Cheng started awake, nearly bashing his head against the top bunk as he sat up. Suo Wei was sitting up, his back against the bedframe. His eyes were red and puffy, his face was blotchy and there were tear tracks on his cheeks. His hair was a mess and his skin was too pale, almost sickly. In his hands was his phone that he couldn’t help but fidget with. 

“Wei Wei,” he started but Suo Wei interrupted. 

“I was talking with my mom, told her I found out about her illness,” he started, voice scratchy. “Scolded her for keeping it from me and putting that burden on you. Then I told her I’ll come to take care of her,” he said, clearing his throat, a small pink blush appearing on his cheeks, almost invisible against the red blotches on his face. Suo Wei also averted his eyes, looking down at his hands that were fidgeting with his phone. “Well, I said we’ll both come but I don’t want to force you to come with me-”

“Of course I’ll come with you,” Chi Cheng interrupted, taking a hold of Suo Wei’s hands. He waited until Suo Wei’s eyes found his again before continuing. “Does this mean you forgive me for keeping it a secret from you? For putting you through a different pain as I tried to protect you from this one?” he asked, his hands unintentionally tightening their grip on Suo Wei’s. 

“I had a few moments to think after I woke up and you were still asleep. I thought back to these past few days, to your behaviour, to what I thought I knew and to what you told me. And I realized I had walked straight into Wang Shuo’s trap. I had gotten all these insecurities that I didn’t have before, I started to doubt you, I was doing things to intentionally provoke you and when I didn’t get the results I wanted I thought that confirmed everything Wang Shuo said. I didn’t know what you had on your mind, but I thought I did and I thought you didn’t love me. That you didn’t care about me to a high enough degree, that I could do anything, with anyone, and it wouldn’t bother you,” Suo Wei said, and Chi Cheng had to take a deep breath so he didn’t tighten his grip on Suo Wei’s hands and hurt him. “I know now that I was wrong.”

“Every time I saw you with Wang Zhen,” Chi Cheng started, taking another deep breath so he didn’t lose his composure. “Every time you looked up at him, with your shining eyes and your even brighter smile, I felt this rage inside me that I had never felt before. I wanted to rip his eyes out for even having the audacity to look at you,” he said, closing his eyes for a moment as flickers of that rage came back at the memories his words revived. 

“And then your boxing lessons ,” he continued, spitting out the last two words. Chi Cheng’s eyes were still closed, his body shaking with how tensely he held himself so he didn’t hurt Suo Wei with how badly he wanted to clutch his hands and pull him into a crushing embrace. “Seeing his filthy, disgusting hands all over you, like they had some sort of claim on you-” he cut himself off, biting his tongue as he opened his eyes. 

His eyes met Suo Wei’s. There he found awe, love and lust all wrapped into one. 

“I wanted to kill him for even thinking he could approach you, let alone touch you. Just the thought of you going there, to him . It tore me up inside, and I wanted to yell at you and threaten you if you ever dared to go back to his place. But I knew, if I kept making demands like that, while keeping things from you it would backfire on me, and I was determined to keep my promise to your mother, to protect you. So I swallowed it all down, even if it was killing me to do so, but I love you, and I-” 

Suo Wei’s lips crashed against his, swallowing up his remaining words as his tongue entered Chi Cheng’s mouth. Chi Cheng kept his eyes open for a moment just to look at his man before succumbing to the wet heat of Suo Wei’s mouth and tongue. His hands clutched Suo Wei’s waist as the man straddled his lap, pulling Chi Cheng’s head back in order to kiss him more deeply. 

Suo Wei initiating a kiss like this, taking control of it and claiming him lit up a fire in his stomach that spread downwards and he couldn’t help but buck his hips up against Suo Wei’s. He moaned as he felt Suo Wei’s hard length against his, fuck , it’s been so long and he could feel how desperate they both were. They wouldn’t last long and Chi Cheng didn’t know what he wanted to do. Do they keep rubbing against each other like they were doing right now? Did he get their cocks out to feel it skin-to-skin? Did he break the kiss to give Suo Wei a blowjob or a quick, rough fuck? 

Suo Wei broke the kiss with a strangled moan. “Want you, please , been too long, please fill me up Chi Cheng,” he moaned, hands moving down to lift up Chi Cheng’s shirt. 

“Anything you want, baby,” Chi Cheng said, lifting his arms and throwing his shirt off as he did the same to Suo Wei’s. 

Suo Wei’s lips attached themselves to Chi Cheng’s neck the minute both of their shirts were off. He nipped and sucked, while his fingers scratched down his back. “ Mine ,” Suo Wei moaned and Chi Cheng couldn’t help but let out a whine as he unbuttoned Suo Wei’s pants. 

“Yours, only yours, ” he groaned as he flipped Suo Wei onto his back and ripped his pants off his legs before standing up and getting rid of his own pants. 

Suo Wei whined as Chi Cheng stood up and he lost the skin-on-skin contact but Chi Cheng worked quickly and before Suo Wei had finished whining he was back on top of his boyfriend, lips swallowing the trails of his whines. 

Fuck , nothing tasted as good as Wu Suo Wei. He could spend hours kissing him, exploring his mouth and the rest of his body, no crease or patch of skin left untouched. 

“Please, Chi- ge ,” Suo Wei moaned, his nails digging in so severely Chi Cheng was sure he was going to have marks, possibly even scars, along his back after tonight. The thought sent another lick of arousal across his veins. He would be marked and claimed , as Wu Suo Wei’s.  

Chi Cheng kissed down Suo Wei’s chest, choosing to omit his nipples. There would be another time where Chi Cheng could take his time, but right now the arousal in his veins burned with urgency. He evaded Suo Wei’s angry red and weeping cock and instead kissed lower. Chi Cheng got down on his stomach and raised Suo Wei’s hips so he had a better angle, before he licked over Sui Wei’s pink and puckered hole. 

The action caused Suo Wei to scream out, his hands immediately flying into Chi Cheng’s hair for purchase, tugging insistently and bringing Chi Cheng’s mouth impossibly closer to his hole. “ Please , please , gege, ” Suo Wei moaned. 

Chi Cheng gripped Suo Wei’s cheeks harshly, spreading them out even more before spearing his tongue into Suo Wei’s hole, starting a brutal rhythm that had the other man wailing and his thighs shaking. Chi Cheng didn’t stop there and added two fingers at once, giving Suo Wei no respite as he immediately scissored them as his tongue lapped at his hole. 

“I’m not, fuck, gege , I’m not, ah , I’m not gonna last,” Suo Wei cried, but Chi Cheng ignored him. If Suo Wei came as he was prepping his hole, he would simply come again on his cock later. 

As Chi Cheng inserted a third finger, Suo Wei’s body seized up and he let out a long drawn-out whine as he came. Ropes of cum coated his stomach as he clenched down on Chi Cheng’s fingers and tongue. Fuck , he looked so fucking stunning it nearly made Chi Cheng come completely untouched. 

He leaned over Suo Wei, looking down at him and taking in the cum coating his stomach and his pretty blush that reached from his cheeks down to his chest. “So pretty for me, and only me ,” he said, curling his fingers and pressing down on Suo Wei’s prostate, making the other man shudder. 

“Only you, no one else, never anyone else, gege ,” Suo Wei mumbled before crying out as Chi Cheng started rubbing his prostate in earnest. 

“ Mine ,” he said, pulling his fingers out as he gathered the cum on Suo Wei’s stomach and coated his cock with it together with the precum that was leaking steadily at the top. 

“ Yours , please fuck me, lao gong ,” Sui Wei begged and something snapped inside of Chi Cheng. 

He threw Suo Wei’s ankles on top of his shoulders before leaning forward, folding Suo Wei in half as he took hold of his cock and guiding it to his hole before slamming his hips, instantly bottoming out. Suo Wei let out a scream, his hands clutching at any part of Chi Cheng he could find as his eyes rolled into the back of his head in pleasure. 

Chi Cheng pistoned his hips hard and fast into Suo Wei, hitting his prostate with every thrust of his hips. Suo Wei was letting out loud and high pitched moans as his walls squeezed around Chi Cheng’s cock. 

Without losing his rhythm or pace, Chi Cheng lowered himself even more, testing Suo Wei’s endurance and flexibility as he bit his ear lobe. “Call me that again,” he moaned, taking a hold of both of Suo Wei’s hands, and interlacing their fingers together. 

“ Lao gong ,” Suo Wei cried out. 

“Again,” Chi Cheng groaned. He could feel Suo Wei’s cock hardening between their stomachs and couldn’t help but smirk. 

“ Lao gong,” Suo Wei moaned. 

“Again,” Chi Cheng moaned, lifting his head and looking Suo Wei right in the eyes. He didn’t know how he looked, but if he looked anything like he felt he bet he looked entirely euphoric. 

Suo Wei’s eyes didn’t leave his for a second. “ Lao gong, lao gong, lao gong,” he cried, each cry getting louder and louder the harder Chi Cheng fucked into him. Suo Wei tightened his grip on Chi Cheng’s hands and that was all it took as the warmth from his stomach spread out and exploded inside him. He cried out, biting down on Suo Wei’s shoulder as he came in wave after wave, his hips stuttering as his cum filled Suo Wei up. 

Distantly, he was aware of Suo Wei coming for a second time. His walls squeezing around Chi Cheng’s cock and milking him for every single drop of cum he had in him. 

Chi Cheng took a moment just to come down from his orgasm, to breathe in deep gulps of air, as he clutched Suo Wei closer to him as he collapsed on top of him.

Instead of uttering a single word of complaint, Suo Wei just let go of his hands to wrap his arms tightly around Chi Cheng. 

They gave each other a few moments to come down from their respective highs before the reality of their drying cum came crashing down on them. 

“Ugh, Chi- ge ,” Suo Wei whined, his hands limply pushing at Chi Cheng’s shoulders and making him chuckle. 

“Yes, lao gong ?” Chi Cheng said, looking down as Suo Wei let out another whine as his cheeks blushed bright at the term. 

“Clean me up, I don’t think I can move a single limb,” he said, keeping eye contact with Chi Cheng even though his blush got deeper and deeper the longer they looked at each other. 

“Whatever my lao gong wants, he shall have,” Chi Cheng said, before lifting himself up onto his arms and slowly pulling out of Suo Wei. He peppered Suo Wei’s face with kisses as the man whined at the empty sensation. “I know, baby, don’t worry, it’ll be better soon,” he said before placing a small kiss on Suo Wei’s lips before he carefully got out of the bunk bed. 

Before he turned to the bathroom, he couldn’t help but get his fill at how debauched Suo Wei looked. 

Suo Wei was starfished on the mattress, his hair was a mess, standing up in all directions, and he had a blush that went from his cheeks to the middle of his chest. He had several hickeys covering his throat and on the left side, where his neck and shoulder met, was a large, angry red, teeth imprint from when Chi Cheng had bitten him. Had claimed him. The sight made his cock start to harden again, added with the sight of Suo Wei’s open legs, where his cum was slowly dripping out of his gaping hole- 

“Stop looking at me like that!” Suo Wei yelled, pointing an angry finger at him. 

“Like what?” Chi Cheng said, leaning against the side of the bunk bed as he looked down at Suo Wei. 

“Like you wanna eat me,” Suo Wei grumbled. “No more tonight, Wu Suo Wei is closed for business,” he said, making Chi Cheng let out a small laugh. 

“You’re going to deny your lao gong ?” he asked, voice dropping an octave. 

Suo Wei huffed. “What lao gong , I don’t see a ring on any of these fingers,” he said, holding up his hands. 

A fire licked his veins as he looked down darkly at Suo Wei. A fire that screamed at him to show this brat who he belonged to, who had a claim on him. 

Chi Cheng grabbed Suo Wei’s right hand, kneeling on the bed as he took his ring finger into his mouth and sucked. 

Suo Wei moaned before blinking his eyes. “That’s the wrong hand, it should be-”

Chi Cheng bit down at the base of the finger, making Suo Wei whine and hiss. When he felt he had left a significant mark on the finger he ran his tongue soothingly around the ridges left by his teeth before letting the finger fall out of his mouth with a wet pop ! Suo Wei’s right ring finger bore a bright red mark at the base of it and the sight made something purr within Chi Cheng’s chest. 

“It’s not the wrong hand, are you not the head of our household?” Chi Cheng said and Suo Wei blushed, making him smirk. 

Chi Cheng interlaced their fingers together while he held up his left hand towards Suo Wei’s mouth. “Your turn, lao gong ,” he said, as he pushed his ring finger into Suo Wei’s mouth. 

Suo Wei’s eyelashes fluttered as he sucked on the finger before biting down, hard . So hard in fact Chi Cheng couldn’t help but let out a scream as he clutched Suo Wei’s right hand. 

“What the actual fuck-” 

Suo Wei spit out his finger and Chi Cheng looked down and saw a ring of blood covering his left ring finger. The bite would definitely leave a scar and as he looked up at Suo Wei’s face he saw the other man smirk, proud and pleased at his handywork. 

“Oh, so it’s like that, lao gong ?” he said, leaning down, covering Suo Wei’s body with his. 

Suo Wei kept smirking, looking up at the bunk bed, avoiding Chi Cheng’s eyes. “I only returned the favour, I don’t know what you’re on about,” he said and fuck, did he love his man. 

“I love you so fucking much,” he said, grabbing Suo Wei’s neck and bringing their lips together. He could taste the faint metallic taste of his own blood on Suo Wei’s tongue and he couldn’t help but let out a moan into the kiss. 

Suo Wei grabbed his neck in return, digging his nails into the nape as his other hand, his right hand, wrapped around Chi Cheng’s cock. Suo Wei gathered the precum at the head of his cock, before stroking Chi Cheng’s cock, the ridges of the bite mark rubbing against his cock, making him groan out at the sensation. 

Chi Cheng couldn’t help but imagine how it would feel with a different kind of ring, a golden ring. Would the metal be cold, or would it have warmed up by being wrapped around Suo Wei’s finger? 

“Wei Wei, faster ,” he mumbled in between kisses. 

All his senses felt heightened, like he would explode at any given second. Chi Cheng was so filled with love and understanding that the strength of his emotions had him nearly vibrating out of his skin. 

Suo Wei picked up the pace, moving his hand faster up and down the length of Chi Cheng’s cock. He made sure to squeeze on the way down, and twist his wrist at the top while digging his thumb on the underside of the head. 

Chi Cheng threw his head back, moaning, as he broke the kiss. He was so close . 

Suo Wei’s lips latched onto his throat, kissing down until he reached where his neck met his shoulder. “Chi- ge , lao gong , come for me,” he whispered before biting down on the skin, breaking it. 

That was all it took for Chi Cheng, the title, the bite, the claiming . 

He let out a choked moan as his whole body shook as he covered Suo Wei’s hand and their stomach in ropes of cum. He shook so much he couldn’t help but fall down onto Suo Wei, knocking the air out of him. 

“ Fuck ,” Suo Wei groaned. 

“Fuck indeed,” Chi Cheng mumbled, his eyes closing as the tingles left his body slowly. 

“Why do you have to be so heavy?” Suo Wei muttered, making Chi Cheng pinch his side and making him yelp. 

“Shh, don’t ruin the afterglow,” Chi Cheng mumbled into Suo Wei’s chest. His body became heavier and heavier and it was harder and harder to hold on to the world around him. 

Suo Wei laughed under him, making Chi Cheng’s head bounce. “I am ruining the afterglow, or else I’m taking back my certificate if you don’t clean me up, possessive bastard,” he said. 

“Takes one to know one,” Chi Cheng smirked, making Suo Wei snort. “Five minutes and I’ll clean you up,” he said, giving Suo Wei’s chest a small kiss. 

“Okay,” Suo Wei said, bringing his clean hand into Chi Cheng’s hair and stroking his fingers through it. “I love you,” he said softly and his voice was filled with so much love that Chi Cheng was helpless but to prop his chin up onto Suo Wei’s chest so he could look at the man. 

Suo Wei had a soft smile gracing his lips and his eyes shone with happiness and love and it was the most beautiful sight Chi Cheng had ever seen in his life. 

“I love you too.” 

. . .

because behind us there’s this love, that doesn’t exist without us,

it never wants to separate us, without it we can’t survive,

although, there’s a long road ahead of us, the love with help us overcome it,

i know, that we have so much strength within us, that we’ll never give up

(jula - za każdym razem)

to go for you, where no one has gone before,

to endure for you, what can’t be endured,

to be by you and follow you everywhere,

to be where you are,

my world is you, 

i already know who to live for, 

you fulfill my dreams as if you were their creator, 

all these days we’ve created for ourselves,

don’t change anything

(jula - tylko ty)