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It's kind of obvious, I think. The way I am around him. Viggo once put it like this: "When he's around, we get to see Dominic Monaghan. When he's not, we get to see something that's left."
Maybe that's stressing it a little, but then, that's Viggo. Poetic.
Elijah was the first to call me on it. Few months into filming, we were huddled together one afternoon trying not to freeze to death waiting to be taken to the next set when he turned to me and said, "You like Billy, don't you?"
"Well, yeah," I replied. "Who doesn't like Billy? You'd need to be made of stone not to like Billy."
Elijah smiled. "True. But I mean … you like Billy, right?"
And, well. I kinda blinked, at that. Hadn't realised I'd been so obvious. But then, that's my way. I'm obvious about things. Not so good at the whole 'subtle' business. Never saw the point in it, really; why be subtle when you can live, just plunge yourself into every facet of feeling, like a hot bath, and soak in it?
So, yeah. I like Billy. I'd go so far as to say I love Billy. And Billy, he loves me, and he's told me so, and when we're curled up on the sofa together at three o'clock in the morning because we've fallen asleep in front of the telly, then yeah, I like to snuggle closer. But then so does he.
We're affectionate people, by nature. Always hugging, often just touching shoulders or knees or some other joint, y'know? That's just how we are with each other. We're like that with others, too, but. Maybe, with him, I do it a little more. Not so that anyone would notice (although, they do anyway. Like I said, subtle and Monaghan have not crossed paths in years), but maybe I'd lean in a little further or flirt a little harder or grin a little wider.
I always knew Billy was straight. I'm, well, not sure, to be honest. And, really? I don't think it matters. I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm not bi, I'm just Dom. And yeah, sometimes Billy kisses other men. He likes to kiss people. I like that about him, give him enough opportunity and someone he likes well enough, and he'll kiss 'em, one day. He's one of the nice ones, the soft-hearted types inclined to think the best of people and like them at the drop of a hat.
Like me, really.
And he'd never kissed me. Well, he'd kissed me on the cheek a few times, just, when we're cuddling and I say something and he gets this look in his eyes like he doesn't know whether it's the funniest thing he's ever heard, or the cutest. So he laughs a bit, and kisses my cheek, and damn if he doesn't wrinkle his nose and make me want to kiss it. So I do. Glorious nose he has there, Mr Boyd.
He laughs a little more when I kiss his nose, and sighs "Ah, Dom" at me. So I always snuggle up to him a little more and sigh contentedly, and maybe on someone else this'd be awkward or too much, but it's just not, with us.
There comes a day, though, when you have to say something. Could have been the dreams I'd been having. Could have been the emails he'd been sending me, since Rings ended, and I'd been stuck here getting … well. Anyway.
Think I knew, when he invited me down to Mexico to stay with him, that I wanted to tell him. I told Elijah, and he said, "Go for it." Well, okay, his actual words were "What the fucking hell took you so long, idiot?"
Yeah, I felt the love too. So much of it for me, that wee one.
Git.
We had this plan all worked out. He was coming to stay too, so it'd be a joint attack on the Billy-senses, all fronts covered.
Alright, fine, I was fucking scared and wanted someone to hold my hand, alright? Thing is, Billy was really the one I wanted to hold my hand.
Billy's always the one I want to hold my hand when I'm scared. To hold me.
And I. Was going to tell him that.
It's not easy, pouring your heart out. I thought about lots of ways I could do it, over the years. Phone call. Letter. Email. Though I'm not the best typer in the world. I'd try, though. I'd try just about anything for him. Within reason, of course. I wouldn't … er … well, I'll think of something, maybe.
So we got to Mexico. Seeing Billy again was like lighting up from the inside. Besides, I got to surf, and spent time just hanging out with Billy and Elijah, who are, let's face it, two of my favourite people on the face of the earth.
But. To business. Third night there, Elijah buggered off early with this meaningful look in his eye, and I nearly chickened out and clung to him so he'd stay. But then. Then I looked at Billy, and I thought, well, this is Billy, it'll all be okay, because, how could it not be? This is Billy.
This is Billy.
So I swallowed a few times. And he knew something was up, but he didn't say anything. He'll do that, when he thinks you've something weighing on your mind, he'll wait for you to say it, but it's almost like his whole body is transmitting via blinking, You don't have to say a word. If you want, I'll just hug you. But I'm here. I'll listen. And I love you.
So. I took a deep breath. And I told him.
Talked for a long time, in the end. Laid it all out, cards on the table, heart on the sleeve, and so on. And he listened, and I don't know if he was looking at me. I was staring at the floor, but I think I would've felt it if he had been looking. He was quiet, when I finished, and when I looked up at him, I saw he was. Well, the only word for it, really, was stunned.
I bit my lip. I waited. I held down my dinner. I messed my lips up some more, worrying them with my fingers a bit. Do that when I'm nervous sometimes.
After what seemed like a day and a half, he started talking.
He gave me the most fucking beautiful Yes I have ever heard. The details of it, what he said, what he … he laid out … well. That's mine, y'know? All mine. Like he is.
Finally got to kiss him, then. Touch him. Like I'd wanted for so long.
"I don't know how this is going to work," he whispered.
"Me neither," I whispered back. "Be fun to find out though, yeah?"
He looked at me, and he nodded. "Aye. It will."