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Derek’s voice was flat, lifeless.
“Isaac. Get out.”
“No. I can’t handle seeing you like this, Derek. Something is obviously wrong. Won’t you please let me help you?”
“It’s all my fault. Nobody can help.”
Isaac had only been back in town for a few days and hadn’t had a chance to catch up on gossip, but it took just one glance to see that something was seriously wrong with Derek. He was sitting on the kitchen floor, back against the corner cabinets, clutching his laptop like it was a life preserver. He was wearing only a tank top and a pair of boxers, even though there was no heat pumping through the vents on the floor. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen, his nose was red, and there was a mark on his right wrist that looked like – was that a bite mark?
Isaac changed his tactics. Instead of pressing for answers, he hurried into Derek’s room to find some more clothing, emerging with a sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks, and a soft fleece blanket. He dressed Derek, really starting to worry at how passive Derek was being as he allowed him to pull the sweats over his arms and legs and the socks over his feet. The only sign of life in him was the growl that slipped out when Isaac tried to take the laptop.
“Derek, I’m going to help you to the couch, okay? You need to rest for a while.”
Derek didn’t protest as Isaac pulled him up and slung an arm around his back to help him walk to the living room. When Isaac finally had him settled on the couch, he draped the blanket over Derek’s shoulders and sat down next to him.
“I know you’re not okay.”
Derek took a few shallow, ragged breaths before finally nodding.
“And you know that you’re my friend and that I want to help you, right?”
“Yes,” Derek whispered.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
Few things had ever surprised Isaac more than this: Derek starting to sob, one hand still clutching the laptop as the other hand and came up to his mouth. He sank his teeth into his wrist in an attempt to – to what? To stop himself from crying? To muffle the sound? To hurt himself?
“It’s, oh god, Isaac – it’s Stiles.”
Oh.
Isaac knew that Stiles and Derek’s relationship had not ended well, but that was all anybody knew. For years, Stiles had refused to even talk about Derek, and it wasn’t like Derek was the most talkative man around.
Derek’s sobs were loud enough to hurt Isaac’s ears. Isaac tried desperately to calm him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and using his other hand to stroke Derek’s hair, all the while whispering things that he wasn’t sure were true: everything would be all right, Isaac would fix things, Derek was going to be okay soon.
Nothing seemed to work, so Isaac pushed on.
“Did Stiles do something?”
Derek didn’t answer (how could he, in between the sobs shaking his whole body?), but he pushed his laptop at Isaac.
“Saved ‘em all,” he choked out. “Don’t listen to ‘em in here. I can’t hear him again.”
“You’ll be okay for a couple of minutes?”
Derek nodded and pulled away from Isaac, tucking himself into the couch corner and once again stifling the sound of his crying by gnawing on his wrist. Isaac wasn’t sure what to do other than head into the kitchen to listen to whatever Derek wanted him to hear.
When he opened the laptop, there was a playlist open, simply labeled Stiles’ Messages. Isaac clicked the play button and sat down to listen.
***
“Hi, Derek – it’s Stiles. Um, I guess you knew that because your phone probably says missed call from Stiles, huh? Yeah. Well. This is, um…I’m not really sure what to say here. I guess, thanks for saving my life? And Scott’s. You could have just let us die, you know. I think everybody else was going to. You’re a lot nicer than I’ve ever given you credit for. So, uh, thanks.”
“Watching me through my bedroom window all night is really creepy. You know that, right? Why don’t you just come in?”
“Derek, please don’t be mad that I ran away. I just freaked out. Guys like you…they don’t just kiss guys like me. You are so far out of my league that it’s scary. I just panicked. Please don’t be mad. I’m coming over to your house right now. Call me back if you don’t want me there.”
“You never answer your phone, do you? What if this were really important, like, ‘Help me Derek, I think Jackson and a Komodo Dragon mated and their baby is chasing me!’ I guess I’m going to have to settle for having a relationship with your voicemail, aren’t I? Anyway, nothing important. I just wanted to talk. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“I’m so sorry about tonight. But things are just moving too fast. I mean, yeah, I’m so attracted to you that it’s consumed my every waking thought since I saw you in the woods that day, and what man alive wouldn’t want you all up in his pants, but I – [long pause] – I guess it’s easier talking to your voicemail than to your face. Dude, I’m a virgin and you scared the hell out of me. I don’t want to stop…we just need to slow down. Like, way down.”
“You’re pretty great. You know that, right?”
“Fuck, Derek, tonight was fantastic. I know we’re all manly men here who don’t talk about our feelings, but…thank you for waiting to go any farther until I was ready. It made tonight so much more special for me. I just really – yeah, okay, I’m gonna go before I actually turn into a girl.”
“Um, I wasn’t really able to find out a lot about unicorns, except for the whole them liking virgins thing. So I guess you’re safe. But, well, I’m still not. Just saying.”
“Oh, god, I just realized what I said. I was totally not suggesting that we have sex just so that some kind of pointy-headed magical creature won’t kill me. It’s just – I’ve been thinking that I am. Ready. So, you know – whenever.”
[whispered] “I’m hiding in the bathroom right now just so that I can tell you, once again, how much I wish you had unlimited texting. Because it’s so hard to sit through econ without my brain flashing back to just how fucking fantastic last night was. All I want to do is sext you. God, Derek, I had no idea how totally incredible it would be. Your ass is so fantastic. I want to write poems about it. And bite it. Bite it a lot. I want to – fuck, I have to go. See you tonight!”
"I love you! Sorry, I just can't stop saying it. Never thought anybody like you would be saying it to me. I love you!"
“Hey! We had to meet with this guy today to talk about the college admission process, and he thinks that I could get into a lot of really good schools! I know Scott’s probably going to end up at the community college, but it looks like I’m gonna have a lot of options. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised – I am a genius, after all.”
“So, um, are you mad at me? ‘Cause it seems like you’re avoiding me. C’mon, Derek, just talk to me. Tell me what I did wrong and I’ll fix it, I swear.”
“You’re acting really weird lately. Dude, are you mad about all the applications? Dad is making me apply to all those schools on the East Coast – it’s not like I want to go that far away. I want to stay here. With you. Anyway, I have months before I have to make any kind of decisions. We’ll figure this out, okay?”
“Did we just have makeup sex? Everyone says it’s supposed to be pretty great, and don’t get me wrong, it was great, but does this mean that things are okay between us? I missed you, Derek.”
“Dude, I wish it was my birthday every day. The whipped cream? So freaking awesome.”
“We’re leaving for Connecticut on Friday morning at 6:00 and we should be home before dinner on Monday. I wish I was going with you instead of Dad. I’m going to miss you so much. Don’t forget to eat at least a few vegetables while I’m gone.”
“Don’t laugh, okay? I know this is kind of a long shot, but will you go to prom with me? C’mon – a guy only gets one senior prom. Please?”
“I made an appointment for tux fittings for Friday at 3:00. Want to pick me up after school? We can go together.”
“Listen, please don’t be mad! Yeah, so I got a great scholarship – that doesn’t mean I’m going to go to Connecticut! I know you need to stick around and keep an eye on Beacon Hills and I – I don’t want to leave you. Derek, you’re the most important thing in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Maybe I’m imagining things. Please tell me I am. But it feels like you’re pushing me away? You don’t come over at night, you make excuses when we were supposed to go out, you don’t call me back – Derek, I can’t…when things aren’t right between us, I don’t feel like myself. Please don’t shut me out.”
[crying] “Did you just break up with me?”
“Derek. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m totally breaking down. It’s finals week and I know I should be working hard – I had a chance to be valedictorian, you fucker! – but all I can think about is how I don’t understand why you did what you did. You destroyed me, you bastard. You’ve ruined my life. And I know how melodramatic and teenager-y that sounds, but you ruined everything. I hope you’re happy. Because I’m not. You’re the one who convinced me to go to Yale! You told everybody how proud you were of me and my huge brain. How could you do this to me? [long pause] I love you. Please don’t do this.”
“What does “one more try” mean? Are you going to come visit me in Connecticut? How can you? I’m only going to be home for holidays – is that going to be enough for you or are you going to cut me loose again when you realize that I can’t be here with you all the time?”
“Just once, I wish you would answer your phone when I call you. I know voicemail is easier than talking face-to-face, but I need to talk to you. Please come over tonight.”
“This is supposed to be one of the greatest nights of my life. I’m the fucking salutatorian, I gave a kick-ass speech, and you weren’t even there! What the fuck is wrong with you, Derek? How could you hurt me again?”
[sobbing] "Derek?"
“I got your note. How can you even begin to think that I would be okay with this plan? You know I’m “not going to come back here” and I’m “meant for bigger and better things?” That’s complete shit. Don’t I get a say in this? I want to be with you. That’s all. That’s all I care about.”
“Look, I get the whole “everybody I love leaves me” thing, but it’s bullshit, Derek. You’re the one choosing to let me go. I know we can make this work. Please don’t throw us away. I still – I still love you so much.”
“You “just wanted to see how I’m doing?” How I’m doing? I’m all alone on a college campus three thousand miles from home and the only person I want to see seems to be intent on torturing me by randomly calling me “just to check in?””
“Fuck you, Derek. Don’t call me again.”
“Derek, I miss you! I miss you and I still love you and [background noise] no, I’m not calling Derek. I am not drunk! You’re drunk! Shh! This is important. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before you broke my stupid heart and – ”
“I saw in my call log that I left you a message last night when I was very drunk. I’m sorry. Please disregard whatever I said.”
“You have to stop calling me. It’s not good for either of us. This was your decision, remember?”
“The worst part is that I know you still love me. I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me, doing this to yourself. What did I ever do to deserve this? Just call me, I’ll come back, I’ll do anything, Derek, I will. I can’t live without you.”
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I finished the first semester with a 4.0. It just feels like you’re the first person I should tell. You’re always the first person I want to tell about everything. [sigh] God, I miss you.”
“Hey, I know it’s been a while, but sometimes I feel like I just have to talk to you – well, we’re not really talking, but you know what I mean. I just need you to know that I’m still out here, working really hard, hoping that one day you’ll see that we can stop all this shit and just…just be together again.”
“I’m sorry. I should have told you that I was coming home. I never thought I’d run into you at the grocery store. But, Jesus, it wasn’t like I was going to fucking molest you in the freezer section! You could have at least talked to me. Derek, why are you making this so hard?”
“I don’t think I can do this anymore. Just answer one question for me and I’ll never bother you about this again. Derek, do you still love me?”
“Okay, so I lied. I’m calling again. Because you lied! Derek, if you don’t love me, why won’t you leave me alone? You keep calling back. How am I supposed to feel when you can’t look at me, but you can’t stop calling? You’re such a liar, Derek, you’re lying to yourself and if there’s no way I can make you see it, then I guess this is the end. We’re done. I’m going to stop hoping that one day we’ll get this right. Goodbye, Derek. Love you.”
“Hey, it was a surprise to see you at Scott’s wedding. I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since we talked last. You look good, Derek.”
“I guess we’re only going to see each other at weddings now. Erica looked really beautiful, didn’t she? Hey, I wanted to let you know that I got a job! It’s not at a huge firm, but it’s a start. Dude, I’m a real lawyer now!”
“Just wanted to say hi. I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. I’m trying to sort things out. I’m still a little messed up, but I think things are getting better.”
“I know you probably heard, but I wanted to tell you myself. I’m…fuck, I’m getting married, Derek. Her name is Sarah and we’ve been together for almost two years. She…I don’t know…I guess…I guess I’m happy. I hope that you are, too.”
***
Isaac finished listening to the messages, his eyes prickling with tears. He closed the laptop and dropped his head onto the table.
“When he called. I wouldn’t answer. Liked having his voice to listen to later.”
Derek had wandered into the kitchen at some point. Isaac hadn’t even noticed him.
“God, Isaac, I screwed up. Was so scared that he was going to leave me forever that I think I pushed him away.”
Isaac stood and pulled him into a bruising hug, his lips pressed against Derek’s forehead.
“I don’t know if we can fix this, Derek. But you have to try. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t.”
Derek went stiff in Isaac’s arms.
“What do I do?”
Isaac dropped his arms from Derek’s shoulders to reach into his pocket, pull out his phone, and hand it to Derek.
“Call him. Leave a message. Tell him the truth.”
Derek winced.
“What if it’s too late?”
“You have to try, Derek.”
He patted Derek on the shoulder and headed for the door, wanting to get far enough away to give him some privacy.
“Stiles? It’s Derek. I’m sorry. You were right…you were always right. I want to be with you. I don’t care about the territory – I’ll follow you anywhere. Just…just don’t get married. Please. I’m begging you. I need you, Stiles. I’m nothing without you. I love you. Always have. Please call me back.”
The phone rang almost instantly. Derek was temporarily paralyzed, completely unable to answer. He let it go to voicemail as he had dozens of times before.
The message was just two words long: “Prove it.”
Derek called back, and this time Stiles picked up.
“How do I know you’re not going to change your mind tomorrow? You destroyed me, Derek. I want to believe you. So bad.” His voice broke. “Make me believe you. Please!”
“Stiles, I – God, I can’t believe I’m talking to you.”
“Derek? Please! You can’t do this to me again. You can’t just call and – ”
“Stiles, will you marry me?”