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“Henry, help us! Please, Henry!” Ma’s voice was clear as a bell.
“I’m trying!” The dreams. The godawful dreams again. Visions of his parents being slaughtered and Skalitz burning, torturing and plaguing him yet again.
“It’s your fault, son. It’s your fault!” Pa this time.
“No, stop!” Henry’s voice was weak and strained, shouting into the void.
“Why did you leave us, Hal? Coward!”
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” He was walking somewhere, he didn’t know where to but his feet kept stumbling forward in the dark.
“We’re dead because of you! Coward!”
“Please, stop…I love you…” He cried out, hands reaching out towards the vision of his father.
“Liar!”
“Please…” When Henry finally gained consciousness he felt tears streaming down his cheeks, the sound of his own sobbing snapping him back to reality.
“Liar.” A faint echo in his head.
He was soaked in sweat, hands trembling and it took him a while to process where he was. He saw a familiar dimly lit corridor, a dark wooden door in front of him with sombre iron hinges. He blinked a few times, his eyes trying to adjust to his newly awoken state. He was still in Rattay Castle at least, that was a relief, but when he studied his surroundings and saw the silver swirls on the door he realized exactly where he was. His eyes widened, not knowing whether it was in shock or fear - probably both. He was outside young Lord Capon’s room.
Henry stood there for a while, frozen, confused about what to do with himself at this moment. What was he doing here? Something in the back of his mind must have subconsciously brought him here, but why? When he looked down at his body he realized he must have fallen asleep unexpectedly since he was still fully clothed.
He tried to turn around but his feet weren’t moving, something stopped him. Maybe the same thing that made him come here in the first place? Without thinking, his hand reached out towards the door and knocked on it gently. His heart raced as he became aware of what he had just done. Run, go now! He heard a voice in his brain shout at him but he still couldn’t seem to move.
I’m never running away again.
“Ugh, what now?!” Someone replied from inside the room. Hans had woken up, hardly a surprise since he was quite a light sleeper. Great, what was the poor blacksmith’s boy to do now? He swallowed hard but his throat was dry as dirt, his cheeks were burning up. Words tried to exit his mouth but all that came out was a faint stutter. “Oh for fuck’s sake…” He heard a bed creak and he started to panic but he still wasn’t moving.
Hans was getting up. Shit, fuck, kurva, no! Okay, he’d just have to tell him that he was sleepwalking and accidentally knocked, then he’d leave as soon as possible. Simple. Surly Hans wouldn’t suspect anything. Suspect what exactly? Henry had no idea why he was there to begin with… Or did he? Hans opened the door, his gorgeous blonde hair messy from sleep, his linen undershirt and his braies all wrinkled up, making some of his stomach and thighs visible, and his eyes groggy at first… Until they spotted the awkward peasant boy in front of him and the young lord looked as if he’d seen a ghost.
“Henry!? What are you doing here in the middle of the night?” Hans hissed, trying really hard not to yell at him and accidentally wake up the rest of the castle occupants.
“I… I don’t… I had a nightmare, I think…” Henry said, still not quite aware of his own actions.
“And what the hell am I supposed to do about that?” Hans replied, clearly upset with his page for disturbing his ‘beauty sleep’.
“I-… Skalitz… my parents… I left them…” When Henry spoke, his voice was shaky and his deep blue eyes blinked away tears, Hans’ face slowly changed from annoyed to worried. “Why did I leave? I ran away… I’m a coward…”
“Hal, no,” His lord reassured, his voice had softened. “You’re not a coward.” Hans gripped the sleeve of Henry’s green shirt, lightly pulling him into his room.
Henry’s legs finally started to move forward as Hans led him to his bed to sit him down, closing (and locking) the door behind them. Henry felt the warm sheets, heated up by Hans’ body, underneath his hands as he tried to steady his trembling. Hans sat down next to him, not taking his eyes off him for even just a second. He studied Henry’s face, the wet streaks across his cheeks, his jaw clenched tightly, his long eyelashes dampened by his tears, fluttered as his eyes flickered between his feet, the door and Hans.
“Are… are you alright?” Hans’ voice was soft, barely a whisper. Of course he's not alright, what a stupid question, Hans thought. He mindlessly reached for one of Henry’s hands, gently letting his fingers fold around it. Hans wasn’t sure what he was doing, he just knew he wanted to console his friend in some way. Henry turned to look at him, feeling the soft hand envelope his own. He could see that Hans’ face had turned red, just like his own, and the sight made his heart skip a beat for a reason he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around at this point. “Henry?”
“I… feel better now,” Henry mumbled while still focusing on Hans’ face, unable to pull his gaze away from the stunning man. He’s just… very pleasant to look at… he thought, pushing away every other description of Hans he could think of from his brain.
“Are you sure?” The young lord squeezed his page’s hand lightly while he spoke. Again, he didn’t really understand why but it just felt right somehow.
“Aye. Thank you,” Henry bit his lower lip, trying to keep it from shaking too much. Has Hans always been this beautiful? He didn’t just realize that now, he’d always known it to be true but… Something about the way his eyes twinkled, his brows furrowed and his mouth stayed open just a little bit in between moments of speaking and quiet, looked enchanting to Henry. “I should go…” Henry muttered hesitantly, a voice in his head once again telling him to run - he wasn’t sure what would happen if he stayed and he certainly wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out either.
“Please stay,” The words that left Hans’ lips shocked both himself and Henry. It was as if something had possessed him, compelling him to keep Henry there. “So I can make sure you’re not going to have another nightmare, of course…” He added, as if that would somehow make it sound any better or save him from embarrassment.
“I’ve bothered you enough, sir.” Henry answered, his voice slightly breaking. Despite him saying he should leave, he just sat there. Move! He thought. He then felt his hand being squeezed harder.
“I command you to stay.” Hans said, trying to keep himself composed but cringed since the sentence sounded more like a desperate plea than an order.
Henry didn’t even know what to say to that. The boys were still staring at each other, blushing, holding hands. Why did Hans take his hand? And why did Henry want to intertwine their fingers? Why did Henry want to stay?
“I’ll sleep on the floor… or the other bed.” Henry’s voice was shaky, even more so than before and he cursed himself for sounding so pathetic. Hans shook his head and Henry jolted, almost choking on his own saliva.
“No. You’ll sleep next to me,” Hans blinked frantically as he realized what he had just said. “So I can keep my eye on you properly, I mean. We don’t want you running around the castle again.” Nice save there, Hans , he thought to himself, of course in irony.
Henry didn’t feel like arguing with his lord, he knew there was no way he’d win any way. When Hans had made his mind up about something there was little to do but agree or keep quiet. Although a part of him didn’t want to object either… More than once he had imagined this moment, confused as to why but not ready to admit the reason to himself. He wasn’t even sure if he knew the reason. All he knew was that he felt safe and sound when picturing himself in Hans’ arms… Silky skin against his, a warm breath on the back of his neck, hands caressing his hair .
Henry had pictured himself with boys before. But that didn’t necessarily mean anything, right? He just appreciated their charm, admired their strong muscles and their broad frame. He could see that some men were clearly attractive and he wondered what it would be like to touch them. Surely that wasn’t so bad? But the part of Henry, hidden behind his pride and stubbornness, knew that he was different, knew that the things he felt weren’t…right. They were sinful. But he hadn’t done anything inappropriate (yet) so he had nothing to worry about. He could just bury it deep inside him, lock it away and never bring it up. He’d done it for so long, it couldn’t be that hard to keep doing it. But when Hans’ eyes met his, their skin touching ever so lightly, he wasn’t so sure anymore.
“But you’ll need to get out of those nasty clothes first,” Hans broke the silence with a snarky remark as if somehow trying to go back to their normal ways, cleared his throat and let go of Henry’s hand.
Henry’s heart sank, both because of the hand leaving his and the thought of having to undress in front of Hans. Yes, he’d done that before but this time it felt… different. The fact that Hans threw his undershirt away wasn’t making him feel any less stressed either. He’s just hot, that’s all , Henry thought. And indeed, hot he was - in more ways than one.
Henry started to slowly undress himself, trying his best to pretend not to be as nervous as he was. When he had nothing left but his undershirt and his braies Hans gestured for him to come over. Henry laid down and pressed himself against the wall as much as possible. He held up the blanket so that Hans could crawl underneath it too. Hans had his back turned towards Henry as if to avoid looking at him. Henry was sure Hans could hear his heart pounding in his chest, or at least feel it since there wasn’t much space on the bed for both of them. Henry’s eyes wandered over Hans’ shoulders, his waist, lingering on the dimples at the bottom of his spine. He hadn’t realized earlier how many freckles Hans had on his body and he couldn’t hold back the fact that he thought they looked breathtaking, like stars in the night sky. Without thinking, Henry’s fingers started tracing patterns on his friend’s back, causing Hans to shiver and gasp.
“I-I’m sorry, sir.” Henry quickly apologized, feeling incredibly stupid and removed his hand immediately. He had definitely crossed a line and Hans would most likely not appreciate that at all. It took a while before he got a response and when it came, it wasn’t at all what Henry had expected.
“It’s… fine.” The young lord said, almost too quietly for Henry to hear it.
But he did hear it. Henry felt like his chest cavity was filled to the brim with a swarm of butterflies trying to break out. What is happening? Is this real? Is he dreaming again? As he reached out once again to touch Hans he knew it wasn’t a dream, no matter how surreal it felt. He traced a pair of freckles that made a zigzag pattern right between Hans’ shoulderblades and earned another shiver from him.
Hans didn’t dare to move for a while. If he turned around now, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from whatever force was luring him in towards Henry. The feeling of Henry’s fingertips grazing his bare skin was undoubtedly pleasant. More than pleasant. Lovely, in fact. Hans had already admitted to himself that he felt some sort of deeper connection to Henry, he wasn’t sure of the nature of it but it was different compared to anything he’d ever felt before. Henry’s smile was enough to make Hans’ day a thousand times better. His laughter made Hans’ heart flutter. And when Henry was upset and in pain, Hans’ heart broke into a million pieces. Lord Capon always hid behind his snarky attitude, his nobility and his charm but in moments like this, when he let his guard down, something entirely different appeared. A sensitivity that no one had seen before, because he’d never let anyone see. Except for Henry.
Hans turned around to face Henry, despite what his conscience told him. He was met with Henry’s dark blue eyes again, so enchanting and Hans felt as if he was going to drown in them. But he could also see a glimpse of the pain Henry was carrying. A deep permanent sorrow, following him everywhere, apparent in his gaze.
“Your nightmares… Are they always so filled with guilt?” Hans asked.
“Aye. Most of the time.” Henry replied, the sadness from his eyes washing over his entire face.
“Hal, it wasn’t your fault. You know that.” Henry had never heard Hans’ voice so soft and full of concern before yet he couldn’t seem to take his words to heart.
“I ran away. I should have stayed with them.” He whispered, tears welling up in his eyes again, one escaping and slowly running down the side of his face. Hans quickly wiped it away with his thumb, leaving his hand on Henry’s face.
“You would be dead now if you had stayed,” Hans whispered back, eyes glazed over too this time. “And then… we would never have met…” Hans caressed his friend’s cheek, he shifted forward a bit so that their faces were even closer.
Henry’s glance flickered again, this time from Hans’ eyes to his lips. Should he? Will he ruin everything and lose Hans forever? He couldn’t handle losing another loved one. Loved? Before Henry was even finished questioning whether or not to go for it, Hans had already leaned in and pressed their lips together. Henry was shocked at first, stayed completely still for a while, until he eventually wrapped his arms around his friend’s waist. Their lips fit perfectly together, as if they were made for each other. Hans’ mouth was unbelievably soft against Henry’s. The kiss was all the blacksmith’s boy could ever have hoped for and more. Magical. Wonderful. Spellbinding.
When they pulled away and looked at each other, a smile started to form on Hans’ face. Henry had never seen anyone so beautiful in his life before. If anyone had told him a few months ago that he would fall in love with Lord Capon he would’ve knocked their teeth out. In love? But there was no denying it now. He had feelings for him, but he wouldn’t dare to ask if Hans felt the same way.
Of course Hans did, although he would need some time to process it all. What does this mean? But he likes women, right? Apparently he can like men too? Is it possible to like both? He had heard a story about it before. Lancelot and Galehaut, fighting side by side, sleeping in the same tent, seducing court ladies together. But this was so new to him, he didn’t even know he was capable of falling for another man until now. If he had to be honest, he’d say he hadn’t felt this strongly about anyone before. No wench had ever come close to whatever this was. And Henry of all people? Henry, Sir Radzig’s bastard son, a peasant - or at least a half peasant. Henry with his long dark lashes, his sad doe eyes, his hair that glows golden in the sun… His playful laughter that Hans could never get enough of, his rough hands, his deep voice, so soothing… Hans could probably go on forever.
“I-I’m sorry,” Hans felt a sudden urge to apologise, which he did, even if he felt how much they both had enjoyed the kiss. If there was a small chance that he had ruined everything, he would want to save himself from the shame right now. “I don’t know why I did that… I don’t-... I’m not-”
“It’s fine.” Henry replied, cutting Hans off mid sentence. He didn’t want to hear him explain it all away. A small realization kicked in for both of them, understanding the severity of their actions, but none of them were strong enough to resist each other now that they had had a small taste of what it could be like.
“Thank you… for caring for me.” The blacksmith’s boy didn’t even know what he was saying yet words came out, trying to break down the intensity of the situation and steer the focus away from the kiss that just took place.
“Don’t mention it,” Hans tried to compose himself once again, feeling as if he had been floating on pink clouds in the sky and just got pulled down to the ground by his collar. “I can’t have you running around the castle like some madman,” Again, the usual snarky comments that Henry both hated and loved.
“Aye. That would be a disgrace and terribly embarrassing for his Lordship , wouldn’t it?” Henry answered and rolled his eyes. He was still painfully aware of the hand resting on his cheek and the other on his shoulder, his own arms still wrapped around Hans.
“It would,” Hans narrowed his eyes and tried to look irritated with his page but it was obvious he wasn’t really. “And what would Hanush say? And Sir Radzig, hm?”
“What would they say if they saw us right now?” Henry’s smile turned shy and his face was the colour of a strawberry. He was met by a snorting sound coming from the boy in front of him.
“It’s none of their bloody concern! We’re not doing anything,” Hans said. “Besides, it would be foolish of you to leave now that you have the privilege of sleeping next to a lord,” They stared at each other for a bit, trying to look as if they were annoyed with one another, before they started to giggle uncontrollably.
“Privilege my arse.” Henry chuckled then flinched as he received a slight pinch on his ear. Oh how Hans loved those cute pointy ears.
“Careful or you’ll sleep on the floor, blacksmith’s boy.” Hans smirked and pressed the tips of their noses together, causing Henry to gulp nervously.
“You ordered me to sleep here with you. I wouldn’t want to disobey orders, m’Lord.” Henry’s eyes longingly wandered down to Hans’ lips again and the smirk on them got even wider.
“I ordered you to stay. Nothing more, nothing less.” He snorted back before Henry took the opportunity to close the gap between them again, kissing him. He didn’t care about the consequences anymore, he needed to savor the moment. What if this was just a one time thing? What if it wouldn’t happen ever again? Hans made a pleased humming sound against his mouth and hugged him tighter, pushing their bodies so close that there was no room between them.
Henry was debating whether or not he should kiss Hans deeper. When Hans opened his mouth to let out a weak moan, the other boy decided it was now or never. He swiftly slid his tongue into Hans’ mouth and was met by a surprised high-pitched sound as well as a small jump. Eventually Hans responded to the kiss, letting their tongues swirl around each other. Hans felt like he was going to turn into a pile of mush and melt into the bed and Henry felt him soften in his embrace. None of them could ever have imagined that it would feel this good to kiss each other. Hans had wanted this since Henry saved him from the Cumans on their infamous boar hunting trip. Henry had wanted this since that time they got incredibly drunk and bathed together. Maybe even longer, he wasn’t sure at this point. They both knew that they wanted to kiss when Henry won the Rattay Tourney but none of them would’ve ever dared to try it. Henry only knew the fact that he’d been craving it for a while.
When they pulled away, both smiled brighter than ever before, eyes glittering. Henry had forgotten the last time he’d been this happy and he still struggled to believe that this was actually happening. He completely lost the ability to breathe when Hans wrapped a leg around him and nuzzled his neck, cuddling up to him. Lord Capon was swept around him, purring against his collarbone? God, he felt like the luckiest boy alive, he never wanted this to end. Although a deep desire to ask Hans how he really felt was burning inside him. He didn’t want to ruin this delightful moment but part of him needed to hear Hans tell him that he felt the same. He pushed the thought away for now, too scared of spoiling whatever they had going on at this point. Right now that wasn’t important - although if he only knew how the question of ‘does Hans reciprocate these feelings’ were going to burn like the flame of a thousand fires inside him for the foreseeable future, he would’ve asked.
“Can I go back to sleep now?” Hans asked, breaking the silence with a yawn before Henry could sense him smirking again. “Or will you toss and turn like a feral animal?”
“Aye, you can. I should be alright now.” Henry shuddered as his lord’s nose brushed his neck, his breath warm and humid against Henry’s skin, giving him goosebumps. “But I can’t promise anything.” He joked.
“I’m rather comfortable like this so you better keep still.”
“I’ll do my best, sir.”
After only a few minutes, Henry could hear that Hans was snoring very faintly and it filled his heart with an indescribable joy. Hans usually didn’t fall asleep so quickly but a combination of him being exhausted and feeling safe knocked him out like a lullaby. Henry moved one of hands up to Hans’ hair, running his fingers through the soft blonde strands, ever so lightly to avoid waking him up. The screams from Henry’s nightmares were drowned out by the sound of Hans’ breathing and the adorable little sounds he made. Nothing had been able to keep the voices away before but Hans made them go quiet. Henry yawned. He felt himself grow more and more tired with each second. His eyelids slowly started to close and, still in disbelief, the last thing he saw before he finally fell asleep was Sir Hans Capon, Lord of Pirkstein. He knew he would wake up feeling just as full of disbelief as the moment he drifted off - and just as happy.
He wished, no, he hoped that this could be his future. A future with Hans. His Hans. But it would take a long time for them to get there and even then, the road ahead was going to be rocky to say the least. A lack of communication between them, about their feelings towards one another, was evident, inescapable even. Eventually though, the time will come when they tell each other… Or at least express it.