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The first time Toga met Ochako the two of them were in a bar drowning out their sorrows. Toga complained about her ex, Selene, who’d broken up with her over text. She didn’t cry or miss Selene, it’s just the small paragraph dedicated to her had bad grammar and a shitty excuse to break up bothered her so much.
“Like,” Toga told Ochako, “Just say you found someone else and leave it at that. Not like we liked each other that much.” Ochako just nodded along with her, swaying back and forth. “And who confuses ‘there’ with ‘their’? How is she even a teacher?”
Ochako had let out this playful giggle that made Toga pause and look at the brunette in awe. She was beautiful. Toga forced herself to listen to Ochako’s rant about her recent breakup. As she talked about her ex, this Jesse or Jean- whatever- the only thing Toga got from that was that Ochako was single.
“Hey, Ochako.” Toga held her phone out to Ochako. “Give me your Instagram.”
Ochako tucked a strand of her short hair behind her ear. Toga took a peek at her galaxy themed earrings. Cute.
“How about my number, instead?” Ochako asked.
Toga smiled.
It had been months since that encounter, and the two were inseparable. Best friends, the two declared, but Toga hoped for more than that. She had been sure Ochako wanted more, too.
Surely, Ochako liked her, too.
“Hey, Toga!” Ochako greeted Toga at the door. “Thank you for coming here on such short notice.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. Anything for you.” Toga looked around at the mess in her apartment. It looked like a tornado passed by and flipped her closet out. “So, what’s up?”
Ochako’s face shone brightly, her cheeks grew pink, and her smile- God, that smile- everything about Ochako made Toga’s heart flutter.
“I have a date!” Ochako giggles, shaking Toga’s shoulders as she vibrates with excitement.
Toga’s heart drops. “I…” What is she supposed to say? “Congrats?” She lets out a painfully awkward laugh. “I…uh- with- with who?” Please let this be a joke, Toga thought, please.
“Remember Jesse?”
“You’re getting back with your ex?” Toga shakes her head. “Didn’t you say Jesse broke up with you because of some other girl?” Maybe, just maybe, she can talk her out of going on that date.
“Well, it’s not a date. But…” Toga’s heart quickens. “He said he wanted to meet up at a café and talk. That’s a date, isn’t it?”
He.
He.
Jesse is a guy. Jesse is a guy and Ochako was going out with him. This whole time- Toga thought this whole time that Ochako was like her.
That day was the last day Toga saw Ochako. She’d spent the whole week crying into her pillow and watching “Jennifer’s Body” on her laptop. It was too much. How could she be so stupid? She had been so sure Ochako was gay. She’s more knowledgeable in queer culture than Toga! Ochako had taught Toga carabiner code- how was she supposed to know that Ochako was straight? Jesse’s name is too feminine!
Bi people exist; she considered. Does she even like women? I don’t think she’s ever mentioned that. She mentioned Jesse once, and I assumed he was a girl. But that’s it.
“Screw Jesse,” Toga sobs. “Reagan deserves better.”
I thought I deserved her.
Toga scrolls through the photo album full of pictures of them on her phone. They had taken so many pictures together. She sobs harder when she comes across a picture of Ochako kissing Toga’s cheek. That night had been the best night of Toga’s life. It was also their first sleepover.
That’s the night Ochako drunkenly clung to Toga as she took the brunette in her dorm. At the time, she had been in her university’s campus dorms and never imagined that she’d have her crush stay over. They tried to contain their laughs as they stumbled in and dropped their things. Then, they showered together. Toga tried not to look too much at her. Ochako didn’t seem to mind.
Then they cuddled up in the small twin bed. Ochako turned to face Toga and gave her another kiss. That kiss, however, had been a little too close to her lips. And that made Toga flush.
She thought it had been mutual. That Ochako was waiting for Toga to make the first move. She was always one to make the first moves, so Toga waited for the right time to confess.
Maybe it was good that she’d waited so long. Ochako, being the ball of sunshine that is, would have rejected her and possibly distanced herself from her. Then that would have been the end of their friendship. The end of whatever Toga thought they had.
Toga sits up from her bed. Ochako had tucked her head in the crook of Toga’s neck, and she must have felt nothing from that. Ochako probably kissed her and didn’t think much of it. She was drunk, after all. Everything she did Toga thought it to be a sign. A hint. But they meant nothing.
Nothing.
If that is how things were, then maybe it’s best for things to stay as they were.
I’d rather stay friends, than to lose her. She can stay with Jesse if she wants. He’ll disappoint her again, and I will be there for her. I will be there to dry her tears. She will stay over once a week like she always does, and we’ll shower together and cuddle. I’d rather my feelings stay hidden than lose her. I’d rather…
The next morning, Toga gets a message from Ochako:
“Are you still mad?”
“Jesse and I went to the café and talked. Turns out he’s getting married and wanted to properly make up with me. He’s a dick.”
“I swear I learned my lesson.”
“So, can I stay over tonight and talk?”
Toga smiles.
I’d rather stay friends, because then you’ll always come back to me.