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He's not sure why he does it. He's lonely, perhaps. Feeling sorry for himself, definitely.
He always gets needy when he really gets into a good pity party.
He warned Sam about that when he asked Sam to help him stay strong and not take Kurt back.
(Sam had responded about the same as everyone when Kurt first spread the news that Blaine had dumped him - but then he'd heard why. And while sympathy for Blaine had more or less soothed any offense against them all eventually, Sam was the first of the New Directions to take Blaine’s side out loud. Blaine agreed to start helping Sam with his homework if he'd bring Blaine’s schoolwork home for him while he's out, and they've been “best bros”, as Sam calls them, ever since.)
Sam checks Blaine’s phone now, daily. Per Blaine’s request.
Blaine didn't warn him to check Blaine’s outgoing mail.
So when his mother hands over the letter from his grandmother, and asks if Blaine has any mail he'd like her to send off for him, Blaine gets an idea.
An awful idea.
“Yeah, uh, actually… I want to send a Valentine. Do we still have any cards?”
Blaine didn’t personally write the cards for his grandmothers and aunts this year, the way he usually does, and his mother understood. She doesn't know much about what happened between him and Kurt, but she knows they've broken up and that Blaine’s been down about it.
“Really? That's great, honey. We should have some blank ones. Would that be okay?”
“Yeah. Yes, that's okay. Thank you.”
She brings him two cards to choose between and leaves Blaine to consider his options while not considering the consequences of his very bad decision.
One card depicts a traditional Valentine's Day heart, bright red and nestled among flowers, ribbons, and lace. Every inch of the card is etched with ornate swirls and leaves and formless whirls of script.
This card is soft to the touch, but when Blaine goes to rip the cover halfway down the middle, the paper is thicker than he thought. It bunches and creases in places he didn't expect. When Blaine holds the two sides of the half-torn cardfront together, afterwards, there's no missing the tear. It's a white, jagged line, and parts of the image it dissects don't line up just right even when Blaine tries to make them.
The other card is more modern. A white, symmetrical heart sits perfectly at the center of two panels of uninterrupted color - one a light, almost colorless gray and one a dark navy; a Dalton navy, Blaine thinks despite himself and smiles.
This card feels almost slick, and it tears too easy. Instead of only tearing through the heart, Blaine accidentally separates one half of the cover from the other. It's okay - after Blaine tapes it from inside, he can’t even see where the unwanted half of the tear is on the front - even the little, shiny pink hearts scattered across the join of the two colored panels look no different.
Blaine chooses the first card. He wants Kurt to see that jagged line. He likes that it's obvious how Blaine had to have torn the card on purpose.
Sebastian hurt him. God, how it hurt to lie on pavement, screaming, for a second time - to lie in a hospital bed again - because Blaine had liked a boy. It hurt to know that, this time, the boy Blaine had liked was the one to hurt him.
But that had been an accident. Blaine got caught in the crossfire, yes, but Sebastian hadn't put him in it.
Kurt got that confession out of Sebastian so he could use it, use Blaine, as fucking leverage against a rival in a singing competition. He'd planned it.
Sebastian accidentally made Blaine a casualty in this little, jealous feud with Kurt, but Kurt made Blaine a pawn on purpose. And after Trent’s visit… As well as everything else - all the little digs at Blaine for parts Kurt would have rather gotten himself, or at the outfits Blaine had chosen without strict adherence to Kurt's formula for the perfect look - and dozens of other minor slights that, lumped altogether, on second thought, make Blaine just feel so incredibly-
Small. And helpless. Hopeless. Because if Blaine can't get Kurt to love him enough to overlook Blaine’s flaws, no matter how hard he tries… Kurt, who is just full of dreams and fantasies (and specific requests - so specific…) about love-
Blaine's breath hitches. His bad eye burns worse, beneath the eye patch and the bandages, when he cries, so Blaine reins himself back in.
There isn't much to say to Kurt that Blaine hasn’t said already - this is so stupid, but if he's going to do it anyway, then Blaine has to write something, doesn't he?
So, inside the blank card, Blaine writes: ‘It sucks that we're going to be spending this Valentine's Day single. I wish I could believe that if we weren't we wouldn't find ourselves here eventually, with me telling you how I’m feeling and you insisting that I don’t just because you think I shouldn’t be.’
Then, seeing the words in ink, Blaine finds that he actually does have more to say. Words that have been festering since Blaine began the conversation that led to his and Kurt's breakup, and Kurt's response was not regret or even an attempt at understanding - just confusion that only turned to anger the more that Blaine explained. Anger and accusations that Blaine felt had come out of nowhere but now realizes must have been festering, themselves, for a while now, for Kurt to spit them as quickly and passionately as he did.
‘Maybe us dating was “exhausting” for both of us,’ Blaine writes. ‘But you know what, Kurt? I was willing to put in the work for you. It's really sad how you seem to resent any work you did for me. Especially since most of the things you apparently resent me for are things that I can't change or that shouldn't really be work for someone who actually cares about me. It was that hard watching me, a performer, who plans to major in performing arts when we go to in college, perform in front of you? Really?’
‘I hope you spend this Valentine's Day with people you can enjoy the day with without their not wanting everything exactly the same way you want it ruining it for you,’ Blaine writes - almost scratches it out - and then decides to leave it.
‘And I hope that by the time I'm back at school we can put this all, not just the breakup but all of it - everything else that we were to one another - aside and be friends again. If we ever were friends. What did you call us back then? ‘Blaine and a Pip’?
Perhaps… some of these words have been festering for longer than since the breakup.
Blaine lets the card sit just like that, unsealed, unsigned for hours. About thirty minutes before he knows his mom will be coming back around to get it, Blaine adds to the card: ‘Either way, I'll be fine. Maybe it's like all our choir teachers think, according to you. Maybe I'm just the better solo.’
Blaine signs it and seals the envelope before he can make any other changes.
•●•●•●•●•
Two days before Valentine's Day, Blaine gets the first of the text messages.
He gave Sam his own notification sound, so that he doesn't tense up every time Sam sends a confirmation that he's on his way over or an update that football practice will be going long, and would Blaine's mom maybe be okay letting Sam stay for dinner again if he still came over? (Blaine's mom is more than happy having Sam stay for dinner, whenever.)
Blaine's been anticipating / dreading a text from one of two numbers since he handed his mother the Valentine's Day cards he'd prepared in a pique of boredom and depression, never a good mix - especially when Blaine has a number he can call to seek out company in his misery. Or, in this case, an address. Or two.
It's equal odds, Blaine thinks for most of this time, what the blowback to his incredibly emo, probably borderline insane cry for attention will be - there are about six scenarios that Blaine considers possible.
Maybe Kurt will text him. Maybe he will show up at Blaine’s door, demanding that Blaine try saying the things he wrote on the card to Kurt’s face. Maybe he’ll call and scoff at Blaine for taking half of the things he’d said during their worst, and final, confrontation seriously - because of course Kurt was just upset when he said them. (Not that it matters if he meant what he said then, since Blaine is through playing the ‘did Kurt really mean it like that’ game. Except it would be nice if-)
Maybe they’ll both act like Blaine never sent anything.
‘Both’ because Blaine ended up sending that second card, as well.
The first of the text messages comes in, and Blaine briefly considers smothering himself with his pillow before he can even look to see whose it is.
Then he just grabs his phone and gets it over with.
It’s a text from Kurt.
And as Blaine opens his messenger, another comes in.
KURT: How appropriate. You tore up your Valentine the same way you broke your own heart. We're single because you wanted us to be, Blaine. No other reason.
KURT: You broke mine too by the way. But sure let’s just forget about that, since it wouldn’t fit so neatly into the sad version of events that gets everybody to feel sorry for you instead of worried about how crazy you’re acting.
It’s-
Probably exactly what Blaine should have anticipated.
That he hadn’t really does prove that he’s made the right decision, right? What Blaine expects of Kurt, what he wants from Kurt, and what he’s going to get from Kurt are just never going to be the same thing. Not even close. That’s what Blaine realized once he’d found out about the tape.
Maybe sending the stupid Valentine was the best thing Blaine could have done. Because it’s given him this opportunity to be reminded, before the stir crazy of his medical absence from school really sets in, why he’s spending it without a boyfriend to help him get through it.
Blaine’s ready to text Kurt as much, too… and then the next text comes in.
UNKNOWN NUMBER: i think maybe this is the first valentine i’ve gotten since, like, 4th grade when Ms. Ravelle forced us all to give everybody something
It’s too absurd to even be funny. Or shocking. The odds - the astronomical odds…
Well. It is four PM on a schoolday, after all. Right when everyone who went to school today, as opposed to staying home to continue recovering from a significant injury, should all be more or less getting home, seeing their mail… So maybe it’s not so astronomical that Kurt and Sebastian are both texting Blaine in response to his Valentine. Simultaneously.
Blaine types, ‘Sebastian? You changed your number?’
And Sebastian texts back, as if this is a perfectly okay thing to do nevermind admit to having done:
UNKNOWN NUMBER: new phone
UNKNOWN NUMBER: figured you’ve blocked the other one by now
UNKNOWN NUMBER: wanted to make sure i’d get through
KURT: Hello? Do I get a response to any of that? Or are you just thinking up more clever ways to try and throw my feelings back in my face?
Blaine takes a second to reassure himself that if he actually were really crazy, he’d be sitting here in his bed laughing hysterically, as opposed to sort of trying not to do that.
Blaine texts Kurt, ‘I was just reminding you that I have feelings, too, Kurt. I don’t know why you think that your insecurities were something I did to you instead of something we should have talked about. Maybe we could have figured out some way to handle them besides me feeling like I had to apologize for being good at something I work really hard to be good at.’
Blaine waits at least as long as he’d failed to text Kurt back before Kurt took offense, but another text from Sebastian doesn’t come.
Blaine texts “unknown number”, ‘Didn’t think I needed to. Seemed like you were done talking to me. You haven’t texted or called once since the accident, so I guess I was right.’
Then Blaine makes himself throw the phone down on his bed and get out of it, walk downstairs and get himself a glass of water. He just exists separate of the drama he’s created for himself, until he can’t stand to stay away and he’s just standing in his kitchen, staring at food in the fridge that he has no interest in eating anyway.
When he gets back to his bedroom, several texts are waiting for him. Blaine sits in his desk chair to read them.
KURT: We all work really hard to be good at what we do, Blaine. But not all of us are so lucky as to have our hard work recognized.
KURT: And maybe I shouldn’t be coming to you with that. That’s a Schue conversation. I can see that now. At Dalton, the Warblers really were just mindlessly determined to keep you hoisted up on their shoulders for none else to reach, so there was no helping things there. (Not that you have to make fun of me now for having tried, but okay.)
KURT: But it isn’t really like that at McKinley. I have a voice, and I shouldn’t just use it when my boyfriend is breaking up with me, so. I’m sorry I just dumped all of that on you instead.
UNKNOWN NUMBER: not really the kind of thing you can say sorry for over a phone
UNKNOWN NUMBER: what i did i mean
Blaine texts Sebastian back, ‘Did you even read my card? Trent told me it was their idea to get back at Kurt for “stealing” me. I know they talked you into it.’
To Kurt, Blaine texts, ‘Oh. THAT you’re sorry for.’
Then he saves Sebastian’s new number.
SEBASTIAN: oh i read it
SEBASTIAN: fucking trent
SEBASTIAN: no one was meant to get hurt, Blaine. Especially not you. But i did agree to help them so. I figured what difference would it make whose idea it was
After a whirlwind three months of maybe-friendship, and two weeks of complete silence, it should maybe be scary to Blaine how plainly he can see Sebastian’s thoughts behind the typed words.
But the scarier thing is that if Trent hadn’t contacted Blaine, overwhelmed by guilt - because of the tape, the slushy, everything - Blaine might never have made sense of what he’s seeing. He might have missed it altogether.
Blaine types, ‘You mean you figured I was going to hate you either way, so what difference would it make if you let me, right? Because if you let me think it was just you, I wouldn’t know that the Warblers were so hurt that I'd “abandoned” them that they were willing to attack Kurt to get back at me.’
Letting himself acknowledge that understanding, that has been growing since Trent called on Blaine, makes Blaine’s hands shake, but he keeps typing til all the words are out.
‘Well, I don’t hate you, Sebastian. But I am so, so done with people deciding what I should know and how I should feel. I don’t hate the Warblers either, by the way, even though it was fucked up what they did, even if all they wanted to do was mess up his clothes.’
‘But you’ve been acting like it’s no big deal if we just never even talk again, so I couldn’t tell you that. And even if it wasn’t your idea, you DID hurt me, and you didn’t say you’re sorry. And I liked you, okay? A lot more than I should have.’
‘Was I right? Did you laugh when you read my card? Because I do hate THAT. I hate thinking it was easy for you to try and make me hate you, even if you thought you were doing it for a good reason.’
Blaine’s breathing heavily by the time he’s done, eye stinging, in the quiet of his empty bedroom.
KURT: I didn’t invite that reprobate into your life, Blaine! Or talk your precious Warblers into committing a literal crime for him, HE did that. Okay, yes, I could have told you we were trying to get a confession, but every time I tried to talk about what happened, you got so upset! And you didn’t even want to tell the police that night that the Warblers were there when it happened, so I knew you wouldn’t actually use that tape!
The texts come back to back to back.
SEBASTIAN: hearing how bad you got hurt and thinking you blamed it all on me was the opposite of easy, Blaine
SEBASTIAN: fuck
SEBASTIAN: i didn’t even mean to “take the fall” or whatever. Everyone just assumed and it felt like i might as well let it happen. If you hated me then i didn’t really give a shit what happened
SEBASTIAN: but then nobody did anything but talk
SEBASTIAN: so i kept talking back
SEBASTIAN: if focusing on me meant the guys got a second chance to be better friends to you then great
SEBASTIAN: you need every friend you can get, Killer, especially if you’re just gonna take Hummel back as soon as he’s figured out a new reason you shouldn’t talk to me
SEBASTIAN: and if i can’t say it to you in person, i’ll say it now, i AM sorry, Blaine. I can’t even tell you how much
SEBASTIAN: i get it if it doesn’t change anything, but i am. And of course i didn’t laugh.
SEBASTIAN: i don’t know why you’d give me that, honestly. I’m not as good at fixing things as i am at fucking them up but i’d like to
SEBASTIAN: if there’s any way you don’t just block this number too i’d really like to
KURT: Jesus, Blaine, why even send me that weird, like, anti-Valentine’s Day card or whatever? I thought maybe you trying to start another fight meant maybe you’re regretting our breakup, even if that’s a really odd way of going about it. But you’re just really not ready to talk about this rationally, are you? Will you ever be?
Seeing their words side by side like this, instead of their faces - Sebastian’s smirk, Kurt’s watchful eyes; Sebastian carefully avoiding any touch after that first brush of their hands as he’d pulled Blaine into a Dalton sitting room to dance, Kurt firmly linking their arms - gives Blaine a sense of vertigo.
For long moments, Blaine can’t bring himself to do anything but stare at the words coming in and consider the tilt he’s experiencing.
When he came up with the idea to send his anti-Valentine Valentine’s Day cards, Blaine told himself that he didn’t know what he was doing. Not outside of wanting to get rid of the thoughts that have been here with him all this time that he’s spent alone in his room - to give them to the boys who had caused them and see if they could make any better sense out of them than Blaine could.
But of course Blaine knew. He always gets needy when he feels sorry for himself. And after Trent’s visit, Blaine realized that he’s been feeling sorry for himself for longer than he’d even realized. The way he felt, the first thoughts that crossed his mind when Trent confessed on behalf of all the Warblers, helped him do that.
Blaine’s been wanting something and going about getting it the wrong way since the beginning. He’s been making half-choices to avoid fully owning the wrong ones. And he’s been letting others own the consequences.
Blaine still has a choice to make, and he was trying to go about making it that same way.
No wonder neither Kurt nor Sebastian have been meeting Blaine’s expectations. He’s been using exactly the wrong criteria to establish them.
To be fair to himself, the criteria had seemed obvious enough in the beginning… But people just aren’t as simple as greeting cards. You can’t just go by what you see on the cardfront.
Blaine texts one number, ‘If you really want to talk about this, you should come over.’
He texts the other, ‘I don’t know what to tell you. Honestly, it’s not just about how you hurt me. Or how you didn’t say sorry until I asked for you to, and now I’m not even sure I believe it when you do. I sent you that card to work through some things, and I guess I just need to keep doing that.’
His phone has fallen silent by the time his doorbell rings, an hour later.
•●•●•●•●•
Inside the card Blaine sent Sebastian, he wrote, ‘You’ll probably roll your eyes when you get this. We were maybe friends for three months, if that’s what you think we were. I did. I didn’t hang out with you to make my boyfriend jealous or because I was working up the nerve to cheat on him or anything. I didn’t call and text you for months, no matter how crazy it made Kurt just to think about it, only because I liked you hitting on me.’
‘Yeah, I don’t have a boyfriend now, so I’m being honest for once - I liked you hitting on me. I liked how you made me feel wanted. Nothing like a trip to the operating room to make a boy feel that way, right?’
‘Seriously though, Sebastian, Trent told me about the tape. That’s why I don’t have a boyfriend now. And he told me how Nick overheard our conversation about the setlist - you didn’t decide to steal it. They did. He told me whose idea the slushy was. What the rock salt was really for. I already knew it was an accident. Friends or not, I don’t believe you would really hurt someone like that, especially not for just nothing. A few months is still long enough to tell me at least that.’
‘So I’m not mad at you about any of that. Not really. But afterwards? This silence? The mean things I’ve heard you’ve said about me? Those hurt, Sebastian. Maybe not my heart, not like if you were my boyfriend or something. But definitely more than just my feelings or my ego or whatever.’
‘So, yeah, actually let’s say it’s my heart. Let’s say you did help break it. Does that make you laugh? I don’t know why you took the fall for something all the Warblers, who I also thought were my friends, wanted to do. But didn’t it hurt your heart even a little bit to do it?’
‘I know you have one. You should have just hit on me for three months if you didn’t want me to figure that out. But I guess it doesn’t matter if you have a heart if you just want to pretend like you don’t have one, right?’
‘I just wish I didn’t I knew how, if you don’t even want your own heart, you ended up with enough of mine to break.’
•●•●•●•●•
When Blaine opens the door, Sebastian looks nervous in a way Blaine’s never seen him.
He won’t meet Blaine’s eye at first, but Blaine is patient throughout their conversation.
And when Sebastian finally really looks at him, for the first time, Blaine doesn’t try to pretend that he’s not looking back the same way.