Archive of Our Own

“So, it’s permeant?”

Gwyn tilted her head at Nesta, who was sat across the dining table. She and Emerie were over at the House of Wind for dinner, and they had just learned some fascinating news.

“No, no it lasts five years.” Nesta clarified over her class of wine. “But unlike the tonic you don’t have to take it every day. It’s just a one-time thing.”

Emerie whistled out a low note. “So glad I don’t have to worry about this. I would forget so often.”

Nesta grimaced. “Well, yes, that’s the problem. Cas and I are off on work for the Night Court so often it isn’t something we can reliably get a supply of, not one that’s convenient to carry around.”

Gwyn raised an eyebrow. “So, you let an experimental magic token get embedded in your lady regions instead?”

Nesta laughed. “I know, it sounds crazy, but I don’t want to have children yet. I know Feyre is happy and Nyx is adorable, but we have literal eternity stretching out ahead of us. Cas and I agreed we would rather not worry about it, and then each five years we can decide if we still feel the same.”

Gwyn sat back, cogs turning ad she considered the implications of this. “And it’s safe?”

Nesta smiled. “It does seem scary, but that’s because it’s so new, and Velaris doesn’t exactly move with the times, no one knew it existed until a couple of years ago. The Day Court have been using it a few decades now and no one has seen any major side effects.”

Emerie leant forward, putting a hand on the table. “Major? Please clarify.”

“I mean it sometimes causes libido to lower or heighten. But it also stops your cycle for most females. I am so excited to not have to deal with bleeding for five years.”

Movement caught Gwyn’s eye, and she gave Nesta a warning glance as Azriel walked into the dining room behind her.

“Oh, he already knows.” The Lady of Death waved a hand dismissively. “Spymaster and all that.”

A laugh rumbled out of Azriel, and he paused crossing the room to turn to Nesta. “It’s not like you or Cassian have been particularly subtle, loudly debating it in the sitting room for weeks.”

Emerie and Gwyn laughed at that, and Nesta simply tilted her head to the side in acquiescence. “Sure. Nothing to do with you being the nosiest bat in the joint.”

Azriel stepped up to the table now and Gwyn pulled out the chair beside her, gesturing to it. The Spymaster in question seemed to hover in indecision for a moment until the others nodded at him encouragingly and he yielded, sinking into it.

“So now you’re elucidating to the girls about the wonder of modern medicine, yes?” He shot across to Nesta.

“Well Gwyn was asking about it.” Nesta replied, which felt like an embarrassing admission for reasons she could not quite explain. Was it just that they were discussing something personal and sensitive? Or that they were doing it in front of a male she found very, very attractive.

Gwyn felt the brush rise to her cheeks as his amber gaze slid to hers. “Oh yeah, for all your rampant conquests?” he joked, one perfectly arches eyebrow raising.

She gave an exaggerated huff in response, playing the part, but it did warm her heart that he was laughing and joking with her now. He did not treat her like she was made of glass, he made sarcastic comments and made her feel normal.

Normal enough to express what she had only told the girls so far.

“If you must know, I have been on two whole dates.” She said, haughtily.

Azriel’s expression flickered a little, and his body turned towards her, attention undivided on her now. “Oh?”

She avoided his eye contact as she admitted “They weren’t good dates, but I still went on them.”

He seemed to relax back at her admission, and she caught eye contact with Emerie across the table, who was grinning. “Tell him about the second male. Oh, gods we were howling.”

Nesta smiled encouragingly at her too, so Gwyn opened her mouth and told the story. About how the male turned up late, confused her with the waitstaff, tried to recover and then tripped and fell on his face. Initially admitting it to Azriel felt awkward as hel, given he was so distractively attractive and smooth himself, but he smirked and shook his head at the stories of all the males’ mistakes and listened attentively as she elaborated.

By the climax of the story, she was in full swing. “And then, and then, after walking me most of the way home, he realizes we’re going to the library and freezes,” She paused for dramatic effect, enjoying the attention of her audience, “and he blurts out, ‘you’re a priestess? Didn’t think they could be hot’”.

A chorus of laughter met her statement, and Gwyn was not sure if the warmth in her heart was entirely from that, the wine she was drinking, or the effect this magnetic male seemed to have on her, but she did not hold back as she met Azriel’s smile with grin of her own.

When the laughter quieted down, she mused “So that clearly didn’t go anywhere, and I will not be seeing him again. But I do think if I meet someone I want to go further with, that I should be taking something. And I don’t like the idea of taking a tonic every day for months, maybe years, for an eventuality that may or may not happen, you know? At least with this I can get it in and not worry about it.”

“And then you’re not on any time pressure, right?” Emerie agreed. “You don’t have to think before every date ‘is this the time it happens?’ and worry about when to start taking it.”

“Exactly.” Gwyn acknowledged. “It’s one less variable. I have no idea how long it might take me to feel comfortable enough with someone to be, uh, physical with them, but I am sick of feeling damaged and scared of it all.”

She looked up from picking the label off the wine bottle on the table to two sets of encouraging, sympathetic eyes. She both loved and hated when her female friends got this expression, she was grateful to have people to talk to, to finally admit what she had been through, but it did not help her feeling like damaged goods when they gave her what she thought of as the sorrowful, puppy dog eyes.

Azriel’s eyes, in contrast, were thoughtful. He did not say anything either way, but it was clear the cogs were turning in there. She had been unsure how he would react, if at all, but it was clear he did have opinions, or something to say about her position. He was just too difficult to read to decipher them.

“There is a physical exam though, I need to warn you about that.” Nesta pulled her out of her musings.

 “What?” Gwyn looked at her in alarm.

“They need to, uh, stick their fingers up there to determine that you are the right shape inside to take the implant.”

Her stomach sank like a stone.

“A doctor?” she pressed.

“Or a nurse.” Nesta continued. “You can ask for it to be a female, but they might do it all at the initial consultation. And then, if you are happy to proceed, they can implant it there and then. And they can do clever things with nerve endings so that you don’t feel the pain, but that does involve their fingers inside you too.”

Gwyn’s jaw clenched as she sat back and thought about it. This was more than she bargained for, that might be beyond what she could tolerate. “It will be worth it though, right? To not have to worry about it?”

The Lady of Death shrugged. “Only you can make that decision. It did not bother me, but I’ve had plenty of people up there in the past.”

Emerie cackled, and even Azriel snorted in amusement. And Gwyn loved Nesta even more for not assuming what she could or could not handle.

Azriel shuffled on the chair beside her, and Gwyn turned to him. “What is it?”

He seemed surprised to be caught out, still clearly thinking behind his eyes. The Shadowsinger took a breath and asked evenly, “I was just wondering, if you don’t mind me asking, what is it about the situation that makes you so uncomfortable?”

The question felt like a slap. Gwyn clenched her jaw. “I don’t need to tell you what happened at Sangravah.”

His eyes widened, as he clearly realized that he had put a foot in it.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I should have phrased my question better.” He tried again. “I mean, this is a medical procedure in a professional setting, where you can request a chaperone. I want to see if there is something we can do to make it less intimidating for you. What is it specifically about the procedure which bothers you? The fact it might be a male?”

She retracted the claws in her mind. He was trying to help. Azriel was trying to make her more comfortable. He did not deserve her defensiveness.

“The fact it’s a stranger.” She elaborated. “Male or female I don’t care, but no one has touched me since… it happened, not, not there.”

Silence hung in the air thick and heavy for a moment, and then Nesta let out a large sigh across the table. “Azriel I’m going to kick your ass.”

“What?” he protested.

“Don’t bring the mood down with invasive questions.”

“No Nesta it’s fine,” Gwyn cut in, “I could see he was thinking, I did ask.”

Nesta sat back in her chair but narrowed her eyes at Azriel and made an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture with her hand.

“I think I should do it.” Gwyn continued after a moment, thinking out loud to the table. “It will be uncomfortable, and I probably won’t like it, but I am sick and tired of feeling so scared all the time, and like I am so behind everyone else.”

Azriel turned to her. “You know, I felt the same when I taught myself to fly. It was years after the others, and I felt so left behind. And it was difficult, and it hurt my pride as much as my body, but I was so proud of myself when I could finally keep up with the others, it was worth every second.”

That was more than he usually admitted about himself, more than she had ever heard him speak about his feelings. She offered him a small smile.

He seemed to be debating something again, and after a moment he surprised her by reaching across and taking her hand.

“And you know we are all here for you, right? I know Nesta and Emerie are your support, but I am here, and so is Cas, and the rest of the Inner Circle. They might look scary, but we’ve all had things we have had to overcome. And every one of us will understand.”

“Except maybe Amren.” Emerie shuddered.

“Okay maybe not Amren.” Azriel admitted, making Gwyn giggle, “But the rest of us will support you with anything you need, I promise.”

Buoyed by the love and support of her friends, Gwyn looked round the table with determination shining in her eyes.

“You are right. I will feel proud of myself for this hurdle. I am going to go for it and book the appointment. I can do this.”

“I cannot do this.”

Gwyn paced around the kitchen in the House of Wind. Morning training was over, she had washed up and changed in a spare room, and now she was waiting for Azriel to fly her down to the clinic in the city.

He did not seem surprised to find her pacing when he appeared.

“Why did I think I could do this?” she implored at him, wringing her hands as she paced around the room.

“Because you can.” He said calmly, leaning against a door frame, watching her. “I’ve watched you get steadily more anxious and wound up about this all morning, but you shouldn’t. You are so strong and capable Gwyn, you can do this.”

His faith in her felt like a punch in the gut.

“I can’t.” she spiraled, on the verge of tears.

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her.

She had tried various holds with him in training, practiced breaking out of bear hugs and other ways someone might try and hold her down, but this was the first time he had held her outside of that. She felt her erratic heart flutter against the cool thump of his own in his chest as he pulled her in. Her stuttering breath hitched and he calmed her down by sheer force of shocking her into stopping.

“Hush.” He murmured into her hair and stroked one hand soothingly down her back. She melted into the contact and felt almost alarmed at how easily her body responded when he was trying to offer comfort.

She balled her hand into the front of his shirt and tried to get her breathing back under control.

He held her silently for a minute or so before leaning back and looking down at her. “Do you want me to come with you for the appointment?”

That was not what she was expecting. Gwyn liked the offer of company, but he was the Spymaster of the Night Court. Surely, he had more important things to do.

“You the Spymaster of the Night Court, surely, you have more important things to do?”

A smirk curled at the corner of his mouth. “I have two very long reports from informants to read today. I can read them in the waiting room if moral support would help you.”

She bit her lip. “If that’s not too much trouble?”

A flash of relief crossed his face. “No problem at all, let me just grab them and we can be on our way.”

And she wobbled with relief, trying not to think too hard about how the loss of his hug made her feel weak at the knees.

He had not taken in a single word from his new informant on the continent. It was important information she was sharing too, which gave some very key insights into what the Queens were planning now that things had changed in Hyburn.

No, his attention was entirely on the female on his left, picking at her nails, leg nervously bouncing.

He had met many people over the years trying to get over all different kinds of traumas. It was rare to meet someone who faced it as head on as Gwyn. She was clearly terrified, her breathing was shallow and quick, and she could not stop fidgeting, but she was so determined to see this through.

He was in awe of her determination and resilience.

She almost leapt from her chair when her name was called, and she cast a wild glance at him, as if to say what do I do. It was almost adorable.

He was about to say ‘follow the nurse’, but the nurse in question had seen the panicked look and didn’t wait for an answer. “Your boyfriend can come too if you want a chaperone. This way.”

And then she disappeared down the corridor.

Gwyn looked like she was about to spiral again at the assumption they were together, so he stood and took one of her hands. “Do you want me there, yes or no?”

Her eyes widened with panic, but she blurted “Yes.”

It was as simple as that, in his mind. He held her hand solidly and led her down the corridor behind the nurse, who took them up a floor and then to an office on the south side of the building.

“Your medic is in here. As you have a chaperone I will leave you to it.” She said curtly, before leaving.

Azriel gently ushered Gwyn into the room, his attention on her and how she was reacting. If someone did not know her that well, they might be able to see she was slightly nervous, the way she was moving. But he did know her pretty well now, and he realized she was completely terrified.

“General?”

His title snapped his gaze up just as he recognized the voice, and he almost laughed.

“Bodey, how are you?” he replied amicably, relief washing through him. Bodey was the perfect male for this.

The Illyrian was sitting at his desk, wings tucked behind him as he looked them up and down. “Pretty good, what brings you in here?”

“Offering moral support to a friend.” He replied, detaching his hand from Gwyn’s and guiding her to sit in the chair. He remembered then that Gwyn had no idea what was going on and caught her eye as he explained. “Bodey and I were stationed at Windhaven together for two hundred years. He is a very good medic, and I can vouch for him.”

He saw the tension ease a little in her shoulders. She sat back and brought her hands into her lap, wringing them together.

“I didn’t realise you were back in Valeris.” Azriel confessed, trying to keep the mood light as he sat down on the chair next to her.

“My knee got the better of me, it never was right after those raids in the Northern Territories.” Bodey shrugged. “And if back in general healing I would much rather be in Velaris than Windhaven.”

While they spoke, Azriel was surprised to find Gwyn’s hand shoot out and take his again for reassurance. He squeezed it back while he made light conversation with an old friend, hoping that if they talked a while, he would show his amicable character enough for Gwyn to trust him.

When a lull did fall in the conversation, his old colleague turned to the Priestess with a smile.

“So, Gwyneth.” Bodey started. “I hear you are interested in the implant?”

She nodded, curtly.

Bodey launched into an easy, rehearsed explanation, and Azriel watched her stay stock still and take in the information as he ran through different contraceptive methods and their side effects. When he discussed the implant, the side effects, and the fact she might be sore for a couple of days afterwards, she replied ‘yes’ that she wanted to proceed, voice calm and determined despite the slight shake he could feel in her hand.

“Please can you explain the examination procedure, in detail?” Azriel prodded when a gap fell in the conversation, wanting to give Gwyn as much information as possible about what was about to happen.

Bodey had worked with him for a long time, and the slight tilt of his head told Azriel that he understood. This was a nervous patient, and she needed to understand what was coming.

“The examination informs us whether the placement of the cervix is ideal for the implant. In some females where it sits at a differing angle the implant can have difficulty taking hold and embedding, and if so, the procedure might not be possible today. It would have to be done differently and take longer. When you are ready, I will ease two fingers in and check the positioning, it should only take a few seconds. Once that is done, if we are good to proceed, I will press my fingers to the cervix, say an incantation to numb the nerve endings in the surrounding area, and then insert one of these.”

He held up a tiny, tiny black lump, the size of a grain of rice.

“That’s it?” Gwyn blurted.

“Yes, that’s it.” Bodey offered her the most reassuring smile he could. “Look, I’m loading it in the mechanism ready to go. If you would like to come this way…”

Bodey stood and pulled back the curtain in his office, revealing the examination table. It was an ordinary, slightly soulless examination table. But Azriel felt Gwyn’s heartrate skyrocket, and her hands started to shake more.

He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, but it was not doing anything against the rising tide of her hyperventilation this time. Azriel felt helpless. What could he do to calm her down? To prove to her that this was okay? To reassure her that it was all her choice and nothing would happen if she did not want it to?

“Gwyn?” he prompted, trying to get her attention. It did not work.

If nothing else, he caught eye contact with Bodey and gave him a ‘slow down’ gesture. Maybe the medic would be able to pull on years of bedside manner and know what to say to calm her.

Bodey came back across the office and brought his chair to sit right opposite Gwyn, leaning forwards and resting his elbows on his knees, calmly waiting for her attention.

She pulled her gaze up to meet him. Bodey spoke with a calm, measured tone as he explained “It is natural to be nervous, but these procedures happen all the time. I can assure you, this is a simple procedure. It’s the third one I have done today.”

“It’s not that.” Gwyn gasped, and Azriel realized with alarm there were tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “Oh, this is embarrassing but I don’t – I don’t think I can do this.”

Azriel shot Bodey a look and then brought Gwyn’s hand up to kiss the back of it. Her pulse was fluttering in her wrist as he held it up and her skin was so soft against his lips. “Gwyn, look at me.”

Her terrified teal eyes found his.

“I know you had sound, logical reasons for wanting this procedure, but if you are not ready, you are not ready. And that is okay.”

She burst into tears properly now. “It’s not. It’s not, I shouldn’t get in this much of a state at the thought of a stranger touching me.” She admitted, then seemed to realize with a start Bodey was still there. “No offence, I am sure you are good at your job.”

Azriel laughed and wrapped an arm around her, and Bodey’s face crinkled with amusement too.

“But it’s embarrassing, being this much of a wreck, I am making a complete fool of myself.” She cried.

“It’s fine. And no one will know, I won’t tell them. And Bodey won’t either, will you?” Azriel added sternly.

“No General.” The doctor replied, before miming zipping his mouth up, locking it, and throwing away the key.

“Exactly.” Azriel reassured, before looking across at Bodey. “Are we under any time pressure?”

 “None at all, you’re my last patient today, I’m only working mornings here.” Bodey relaxed back in his chair, his glance darting between Azriel and the female currently curled into his side, trying to get her breathing back under control. “You can cancel if you want, I won’t be offended. Or reschedule to try again another day. Or…”

He trailed off, and Azriel recognized the look on Bodey’s face. He had had an idea but he was not sure if he should share it.

“Or?” he prompted.

“Or Azriel can do the procedure.” The doctor explained.

Both Azriel and Gwyn’s faces shot to him, wide eyed and confused.

“Explain.” Azriel said, bringing a note of command into his tone. What the hell was Bodey playing at, making that suggestion?

“I mean it.” Bodey said simply. “You did the anatomy and physiology training with me back in the day, and you are a fantastic healer in your own right. You certainly know the way around the body.”

“I don’t usually use those skills for healing.” Azriel pointed out.

“No, but you are perfectly capable of doing so. And this isn’t a complex procedure, just check the uterus isn’t retroverted first. I know you can numb nerves, I have seen you do it. And then it’s just this.” He held up a long, thin tube, only a few millimeters wide, with a mechanism on the end. “Load the implant into this and then push the end, it will shoot the implant out and embed it into the squamous cells on the ectocervix.”

He understood the explanation, and reasoned it probably was a relatively simple procedure, but Gwyn could not have an amateur experiment on her. The female still curled into his side, crying, trying to get her breathing under control needed a medical professional who knew what they were doing in case something went wrong and he would never forgive himself if he fucked something up and hurt her. Azriel gave him an unimpressed look. “I’ve never done anything like this, and you know it.”

Bodey smirked. “No, you’ve done much more complex work in much harder conditions. And don’t you dare try and claim your lack of knowledge of female anatomy.”

To Azriel’s chagrin, Gwyn chose that moment to perk up. “What do you mean by that?” she asked Bodey.

Azriel felt the embarrassment rise in his cheeks. “Don’t you dare.” He murmured, but Bodey laughed.

“Oh no if she’s uncomfortable you can be too.” He teased, and Azriel started plotting his bloody murder as he launched into the story. “Most of the lectures we had on anatomy were followed by working on field injuries, giving us some experience in the area. But there were no females in the Illyrian army. Shortly after our lectures on the female reproductive system and how to examine if we ever needed to, we got drunk one night, and both confessed to trying to work out the angle of the cervix during recent conquests of ours.

Gwyn’s eyes were wide with surprise. Azriel hurried to cover himself. “We were young back then- “

“…and then,” the traitor continued, “We found some females to take home that night who were willing to, uh, share. And then the next day we discussed our findings of their anatomy over breakfast.”

Azriel was prepared for Gwyn to never speak to him again. Not only had Bodey confessed that they had treated their conquests so callously in the past, but he also revealed that they were total losers. Azriel thought he would never live down the mortification, but his heart loosened when he realized Gwyn was giggling.

“You know, I think I would do that too.” She admitted. “I love to learn.”

The small smile on her face was a relief, and Azriel gave her a reassuring squeeze with the arm which was still round her. If she still trusted him after hearing that god-awful story, maybe she would be able to relax enough for this to work.

Bodey looked at them. “So, I know damn well he is capable. And I give you my full blessing to carry this out.”

Azriel’s heart was in his throat at that moment. He felt so responsible for Gwyn. For her safety. He wanted her to be comfortable and if she was comfortable with him then that was a good thing, right?

He was able to do something to help a vulnerable friend in need. The fact she was gorgeous was something he tried not to dwell on. Until dinner the other night he had assumed she had no interest in romantic involvement with anyone. If she was starting to date then- no. He would not go there. He would not get his hopes up. It was not the time for that.

But he could do this for her now.

“Gwyn,” he brushed her hair back off her face, tucking the long copper strands behind one ear, “This is completely your choice. Do you want this?”

She hesitated for a moment, jaw working as she thought about it.

“I do.” She said simply, and Azriel was still staring into her eyes, lanced through by the weight of the trust in them, as Bodey clapped his hands together.

“Wonderful. In that case. I am going to get lunch and eat it on the bench outside the room. Should you need me,” he glanced at Azriel, “yell or use our old signal, whichever.”

And then he swept out of the room.

Conscious of Gwyn’s beating heart, and before her heartrate could skyrocket again, Azriel moved to pull her into his lap. It took little effort to sweep an arm under her legs and pull them across his lap, hand coming to rest on top of her thigh, drawing reassuring little circles with his fingers.

Her breath hitched a little, but she let him maneuver her into the position as she got herself under control and asked, “What signal?”

He huffed out an amused breath, “Back in the camps I used to summon my informants with a shadow that twisted round their ankle and literally pulled their leg, just a little tug, but it was something not visible to most others.”

Gwyn smiled. “I can’t believe you took conquests home to test out your anatomy lessons.”

He made a show of huffing in response but was glad that she was smiling, “Hey, those anatomy lessons benefited those females greatly. They had a good time.”

Gwyn giggled at that and relaxed into his hold a bit more.

His hand, which had been drawing circles on the top of her thigh, now started to slowly move towards the inside of her thigh a little more with each circle.

“You tell me if you are uncomfortable, yes?” he murmured into her ear.

She breathed hard through her nose, exasperated. “That won’t work, everything about this makes me uncomfortable.”

“Okay, but you know-,” he paused his ministrations and pulled back to look her in the eye. “You know that I will stop at any point if you ask, yes?”

“I do, I trust you.” She shuddered. His heart, which he had assumed long dead at this point, clenched at the raw trust she was placing in him.

“Good.” He said. And even pressed a kiss against the side of her temple for good measure.

Once his fingers started moving again, he inched them gently up her inner thigh until he brought a hand to cup over her through her robes. It was a gentle touch, just holding a cupped position, but she tensed and had to visibly work to calm her breathing.

Once her breaths were long and even again, he took the hand away and slipped it up under her robes to rest on her knee. Her skin was so soft to the touch, and he winced internally thinking about how the bumpy texture of his scars must feel to her. But she just shuddered and buried her head into his shoulder.

With no direct protest, he began slowly circling up her bare thigh now.

Her breathing was ragged into his shoulder under her curtain of copper hair, and he could sense a fair amount of fear and anxiety still rolling off her. But right there, underneath it, he caught a small flutter of arousal.

Yes. He thought triumphantly. Part of him, despite his age and experience, still preened at the idea that a female found his touch arousing. But he also recognized that if she was aroused, she would relax and this would be much more comfortable for her.

As he brushed the back of his knuckle against her underwear a small noise escaped from her throat, high pitched and keening. It was damp.

His own heart started racing as he contemplated his triumph, and the balance he was about to try and strike between turning her on enough to get her to relax and keeping it professional, or not taking advantage.

“Can I continue?” he murmured low into her ear, finger brushing along the edge of her underwear.

She seemed to hesitate a moment, but nodded, and gave a muffled “yes” into his shoulder.

In response, he pulled her underwear aside and ran featherlight fingers up and down the silken soft skin, getting her used to being touched intimately. She trembled in his arms, her hand forming a fistful of his shirt. He had been with many, many women over the years, but none that had ever been as nervous to be touched as this. And he knew her history, he had been there. So, he relaxed and let his fingers explore at a leisurely pace, featherlight and relaxed as if they had all the time in the world.

When the tension in her body had dropped again, he brought one finger down to circle her entrance. She gasped and shifted her hips, and he was hit with the stronger scent of her arousal now.

“Azriel,” She gasped his name, and he was still wrapped up in realizing it was the hottest thing he had ever heard before he registered the rest of her sentence.

“You are not supposed to be trying to get me off.” She stuttered, trying to sound joking.

She was trying to make jokes. That was a good sign. And if she was comfortable making jokes, so could he. “I’m not. If I was trying to get you off, I’d be here.” He grinned, and just to illustrate the point he moved his knuckle up to briefly brush her clit.

She bucked her hips involuntarily and let out a low moan. He felt the sound go straight between his own legs but brought his finger back down to circle her entrance. Keep it professional.

“But if you are wet, if will make this more comfortable.” He admitted, before easing a finger inside her.

She froze then, body locking up, and he stilled in response, single digit halfway inside her. She was tight.

“Is this too much?” he asked.

“Give me a minute.” She gasped, and he stayed there while she got her breathing back under control. She was shaking a little, the fear back.

“I can stop if you want.” He reminded her but had hardly finished speaking before she was shaking her head.

“No.” she insisted. “I can do this.”

So, he rested his chin on the top of her head and waited for long moments while she tried to breathe deeply and relax.

“Go.” She said, and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head before continuing. He slid the finger further in, moved it around a little, then slid out and brough a second finger to her entrance. She tensed against the contact, the nerves battling her arousal.

“This will be easier if you can relax around my fingers, don’t try to clench.” He explained and felt her trying to do as he said.

“Good girl.” He murmured, and she let out a whimper in reply. That sound did something to him, and Gods, was she instantly wetter after that praise? That was certainly something he could work with.

“I’m going to feel for your cervix now,” he said in a low voice, “be good and open your legs a little wider for me, that’s it. Well done.”

Her breathing was ragged now as she followed his command, giving him better access. He felt around, her cervix was surprisingly deep, and he had to push his long fingers in almost as far as they would go to feel it, making her breathing hitch. He was drawing the tiniest of noises out of her now, but they were changing. This was not just fear anymore, she was getting wetter and wetter.

Trying to keep his mind on the task at hand he found what he was looking for, the slight frown on his own forehead as he concentrated. Yes, aside from having quite a deep cervix she felt totally average, no retroversion. And he could, yes, he could feel where he needed to insert the implant. Bodey had been right in the estimation of his skills.

“Feels good to me.” He said, “I can feel where to do the implant. Do you want me to carry on?”

She let out a little moan into his shoulder, and he thought he felt her nod. But that was not consent enough here.

“Gwyn? Words please.”

“Yes.” She confirmed.

He concentrated then on summoning the small magics which would allow him to numb the nerve endings for a few moments. He murmured the incantation and felt Gwyn clench at the sensation and then relax around him.

“Good.” He murmured into her ear. “Sit up now, can you reach across to the desk and grab me the mechanism with the implant – yes, thank you.”

She had reached clumsily for the desk and brought it shaking to him. He held it in the arm wrapped around her and studied it for a moment, making sure he understood where the implant would come out at the top and where he needed to press.

“We are going to need to change position a little so I can use both hands.” He murmured into her ear as he slipped his two fingers out of her. Did she realize that she let slip a small whine at the loss of sensation? She held onto his free hand with an iron grip as he guided her to straddle him and lay back onto the other chair he moved into position to take her weight.

Now, with Gwyn lying back, he was able to slide her robes up enough to see what he was doing rather than just by feeling. Immediately, he almost lost his professionalism and fought the urge to press a fist to his mouth. Gods, she was perfectly formed. If he had to imagine the perfect vulva, this would be it, to him.

Concentrate you degenerate. He touched her gently in warning before sliding his fingers back inside. She threw her head back and made a small, strangled noise, but the scent of her arousal was thick and heady, so he took it as a good sign.

He felt for that spot again, the placement Bodey had described, and placed a fingertip there. Then, he took the mechanism in the other hand and slid the very thin tube up inside alongside his fingers, bringing the tip of it to touch where his finger was.

“Hopefully your nerve endings are dulled enough, but this still might sting a little.” He warned. “One, two-“ and then he clicked the button.

She hissed a little as if in pain, but when he said a panicked “Gwyn?!” she shook her head.

“Just felt strange.” She hissed. “I could feel it punch in, oh that was weird.”

He eased the mechanism out, and then his fingers too. They were bloody.

“There is a little bleeding where the implant has gone in.” he said, keeping his voice calm and steady so she did not see any reason to panic. “I will do some minor healing; help it seal over.”

“Okay.” She agreed, voice distant.

Easing his fingers back inside her, he found the tender spot where the implant had gone in and murmured the incantation. He felt the magic spread from his fingertips, and the flesh knit together under his touch.

He was just wondering how he would see if it had worked, inside her, when she hissed out in pain, and clenched around him in response. He froze again.

“Gwyn?” he tried very hard not to sound alarmed, as he did not want her to panic. Even though he was panicking. Did he need to call Bodey in?

“I’m cramping badly.” She explained.

He realized what he had done. “Shit, I fixed your nerve endings that I’d numbed too.”

“Feels like my regular cycle, but more intense.” She explained.

He eased his fingers out of her, and she sat up to watch this time, eyes no longer glazed with fear and arousal. The pain of the cramps had, ironically, helped overwrite her fear and brought her head back into the room, alert and wary. Her eyes tracked his scarred fingers, slick with her moisture, easing out. Her gaze widened slightly in surprise at the sight of the blood on the fingertips.

“Sorry.” She blurted.

Azriel met her eyes incredulously. “You’re apologizing to me for bleeding during a medical procedure?”

Gwyn laughed, then. In fact, she slumped back onto the chair and her whole body shook with laughter bordering on hysterical. Azriel laughed too and took the opportunity to slide her underwear back into place and slide the robes back down over her, covering her body.

“I did it.” She breathed between laughing.

“You did.” He met her gaze, and gave her the warmest, most encouraging smile he could. “Gwyn I’m so proud of you.”

She launched herself up to sitting then and took him by complete surprise by bringing her mouth to his in a brief, excited kiss.

“Thank you.” She said as she broke off, face still beaming. “Thank you thank you thank you. I could never have done it without you.”

The bubble in his chest felt dangerously close to bursting now, something inside him which had not stirred for a long time. He felt consumed by her, her smile, her scent, the memory of how it felt to have his fingers inside her and the sight of her perfect vulva. But more than any of that he felt such a precious pride in his chest at seeing the female trust him with one of her largest fears, of trusting him as someone she could be vulnerable with.

He hadn’t thought of himself as someone people wanted to be vulnerable with for a long time.

He was still trying to think of a reply when she shuffled in his lap. She froze as she rocked up against his steel hard length through his leathers.

“Ignore me.” He said quickly, worrying immediately that he was fucking this up by being a horny piece of shit. She was literally here to have a medical procedure. She did not need him to abuse her trust like that.

“I just,” she seemed confused more than anything else, “Was that, I mean, do you have a medical fetish or something?”

He laughed and she broke into mirroring giggles. “No, but usually when I’m between a female’s legs its leading somewhere else. Body reacted on instinct, didn’t get the memo this was something different.” He explained.

She relaxed again, the tension dropping from her shoulders.

“Oh.” She bit her lip in contemplation, and he wondered if she knew how hot that action was. “So, it wasn’t...”

She was trailing off, embarrassed, he realized. What could she be embarrassed about after all that? He frowned back at her. “Gwyn? What do you mean?”

She blushed ferociously and avoided his eye contact as she admitted “Sometimes I think you might find me attractive, but then I can’t tell. You’re really hard to read Azriel.”

His newly active heart hit his throat. Oh gods, she had been so uplifted by the triumph of doing this successfully that she was willing to plunge into the feelings of it all. He deflected. “Gwyn I’d be terrible at my job if I was easy to read.”

“Oh, you know what I mean.” She sighed. “Just tell me now if you do or don’t and put my out of my misery.”

His eyes shot into his hairline. He took the hand which had not been inside her and used it to tilt her nervous gaze up to his, thinking about what his friend said earlier. If she was uncomfortable, he could be too. He could confess his emotions like a grown adult. For her.

“Gwyneth Berdara, you are one of the most attractive people I have ever met. I kept my interest in you hidden because I did not think you were open to advances.”

Her heart thundered in her chest as she looked at him, beautiful teal eyes wide. “And if I was open to advances?”

A smirk crept onto his face. “Then I might ask if you want your third date to be with me.”

Joy raced across her face like wildfire. “Yes please.”

He sat straighter, and slowly, so that she had time to pull away if she wanted, he guided her face to his and kissed her slowly and deeply. She melted into the touch, responding with a keening noise in the back of her throat. After today, he was desperate to work out what other little noises he might be able to get out of her.

When they broke away, both breathless, they rested their foreheads together.

“Let’s get cleaned up.” Azriel murmured. “And I will fly you back home.”

Gwyn smiled and climbed off his lap on slightly shaky legs. Azriel’s eyes kept glancing back to her as he washed his hands and the mechanism he’d used for the implant in the sink, watching her arrange the layers of robes back over herself properly. She was clearly aware of his movements too, peripheral vision tracking him.

She bit her lip again and he almost told her to stop if she wanted his erection to go away before she spoke.

“What if I don’t want to go back?” she said slyly.

He raised one eyebrow as he dried his hands. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that I might be having terrible cramps for the next day or so as my body adjusts.” Gwyn reasoned. “And I took two days off from the library in case of any adverse effects. So maybe the best place for me is the House of Wind where my doting friends can all care for me.”

Azriel raised an eyebrow. “I see a flaw in your usually flawless logic. Nesta and Cassian don’t get back until tomorrow evening. It will just be me.”

The innocent little Priestess’s face curled into a sugary sweet smile. “You’ll just have to be extra doting then, won’t you?”

He saw it for what it was. An open door, an invitation. An opportunity to share his closely guarded emotions with her, in the way that she shared her closely guarded body with him.

“We better stop for pastries on the way home then, hadn’t we?” he replied.

And when she smiled like the sun at him in reply, his cold, fragile heart almost burst.